Is it hard for non-CDs to believe that CDs aren't attracted to their same sex?

[LelaK]

My GF and I aren't together now, as of a few weeks ago, but we were together for the past year, almost inseparably. But, unfortunately she's a very jealous type, and the whole time we were together, she kept watching me and always thinking that I was looking at guys, which she'd angrily accuse me of. I thought she'd eventually realize that I wasn't attracted to them, but she never did, or at least she kept accusing me. It may be that she thought I was BI, because she is kind of, although she didn't admit it till after we separated. So maybe she's a special case, but I'm wondering if other nonCDs may in general share such suspicion about us. I mean I can see the reasoning. "He dresses like a woman, so he must want to attract men." I guess I want to attract a Lesbian.

What hard evidence do you all have for your affirmative or contrary impressions?

[Robin414]

I completely agree, when I came our to my SO that was the first thing she asked...I'm not BTW but I vote yes to your question Lela!

[Tracii G]

Well its pretty obvious you started dating her and I assume you had sex many times so that should be proof enough.
Jealous acting people always seem to concoct reasons to cover their own shortcomings.
Kind of a throwing the blame on someone else.

[Sky]

Ah, the beauty of generalizations. What would we do without them?
Some cds are bi (I am one).
Some only like girls.
Some only like guys.
We don't conform to a single mold, and that's a great thing.

[Stephanie47]

I agree with Traci that people tend to concoct reasons to cover their own shortcomings and insecurities. I'd also throw in the idea that when a spouse or girl friend wants to break off a relationship rather than just admitting the relationship has cooled, some excuse is used. Blaming cross dressing is one of those easy excuses. It lays the blame on the other individual. I also believe many women break off a relationship with a cross dresser because others will think less of her: "What wrong with her? Why does she stay with a cross dresser?"

[Jenniferathome]

... "He dresses like a woman, so he must want to attract men." ....

While this initial rational seems logical, it falls apart when you consider that gay men tend to like men who look like men. So, a man dressing as a woman would be unlikely to attract a gay man. Even those gay cross dressers here have written that their SO's are not necessarily "happy" with the cross dressing. It's just a thing and no different for a gay men or a hetero women in that way.

[Danitgirl1]

There is a highly correlative but non causative relationship between biological sex and gender.
Gender, sex and sexuality are similarly conflated, in reality and in our minds.
People cannot understand that gender and sexuality (let alone biological sex) are different things.
Even those of us living the reality get confused.
It is tricky...
But they really ARE different.

[ChristinaK]

After having talked to several people about the subject, it's my estimation that most people do a assume we're gay. My wives have been a few of those.

I have been asked several times and even had a conversation with a gg 2 weeks ago about the subject. It was hard for her to wrap her mind around being feminine and not being attracted to men. She asked why I try to look pretty and feminine if I'm not trying to attract men.

I finally explained that I'm a lesbian and she understood that.

So, it's a natural conclusion for most. Sigh.

[AngelaYVR]

My wife once asked me if there was a sexual element to meeting up with other girls. All the usual explanations. Ironically, since then she has discovered that she enjoys the sexual side while I'm dressed.

[ChristinaK]

My fantasy! You're so lucky!

[Isabella Ross]

Short answer: yes. When I told my family, that was always their first reaction: "Does (my wife) know that you're gay?" On the other hand, they were also easy to educate that gender and sexuality are not the same things...

[Erica Marie]

You dont have to be a cd to like guys or even be bi. Im sure there are straight acting guys that look at other men with curiosity. Sounds like a jealous or insecure exgf. This may sound rude, but cut your loses and count your blessings. I had an ex like that about 4 yrs ago. It was hard to let go of someone you care about, but if they dont care enough about you it is not worth the heartache.

[Teresa]

Lelak,
I don't have that problem, I've explained to my wife through my counselling that no matter how I'm dressed I'm totally attracted to women.
I know now that I dress not only to please myself but to actually be attractive to women ! I know very few women can or will relate to that and my wife has pointed out she's not a lesbian but my reply now is I realise that but I partly am. She has now accepted that and openly commented on it and also knows that I have no interest in men at all sexually but socially don't have a problem with men or women.

[Meghan4now]

Lela,

Considering your previous post about this girl, I wouldn't give much thought to what she said. You need to expunge a great many things that happened from your daily thoughts and move on with your life. It's part of the healing and growth process.

Having said that, to answer your question, yes most people, which includes most women, do assume that CDS are gay. I have had some evidence recently that some people can accept the concept of a straight CD, but their first inclination is the gay assumption. I believe this has two pervading reasons. First as you mention it is easy to infer (incorrectly) that if one dresses like a woman, they must want to be a woman and thereby want to attract men. Second is that we have been socially conditioned to make this assumption. Social conditioning all the way from home life, school, church, sports, work, friends, and media. It is pervasive. Have you EVER seen a cd character, other than a ruse to get something, that was NOT portrayed as gay? I can't think of one.

Oh yeah, one other thought. The moniker LBGT certainly has lumped us in there. If CDS are counted in that umbrella, then it isn't surprising that assumptions will be made. Not that I really even care anymore, but I used to, and early on even wondered about myself.

[Krisi]

I suspect that most every one of us was asked if we are gay when we came out to whoever we came out to. The public thinks we are gay if we wear women's clothes. That doesn't make sense but that is their perception. As Jennifer posted, gay men are looking for other gay men, not men who look and act like women.

The next question is usually "Do you want to become a woman?" For most of us, the answer is "No."

[Devi SM]

May be I'm one of the ones that hardly believe that a crossdresser is not attracted to men. But let me explain how it works in me.
I'm an acting and looking business man. I'm not looking for men, im not attracted to men, but when I dress, that's completely different, especially if they are attracted to me. I love when they touch me and compliment me as a woman that I look.
The weird is, when I'm dressed as a woman, I keep liking women and if is another cd or ts, it's very exciting for me.

[AngelaYVR]

"No woman 'totally straight', study says" http://www.bbc.com/news/health-34744903
Then we have things like this. I think it is natural for women to question our sexuality because they know how wobbly their own is.

And Vanessa, as you said, that's how it works for you. While it sounds like it is a common fantasy here, it is by no means universal.

[franlee]

I have watched what I think are non-CDer's respond to this question over the years and have even had to play along to keep from drawing attention. The biggest thing is ignorance, they either don't have any concept of what CDing is or they confuse all the other labeled activities that are stereo typed in with Crossdressing. So we have to remember that CDing is just that but it has cast a giant shadow for other activities and lifestyles that just happen to include
crossdressing as a base activity. And next is the hypocrisy, I can't image any man that somewhere in his life has worn some fem attire, just as so many other things in life if you have done it once it is part of your life forever, and they just over react and dramatize CDing due to their own self guilt and attempt to create a cover so no one would ever question them.

I do wish there was a better understanding of CDing and what it is. With some way to put identities to each faction without grouping all in one, but that is the nature of anything we want to deny.

It is not hard for them to believe we are not gay because we CD, the biggest part knows better but it is their agenda to redirect at the expense of anyone not on their team. And I must admit I have stood by and allowed it to go without any attempt to call them out. So I have been a coward in this aspect due to self-protection. Laughing things off seem to be the PC way to hide. That's all they are doing when you boil it down.

[Brandy Mathews]

Even if you are married or date women, most people assume that you are gay if you crossdress. It is so ridiculous. So sorry about you and your girlfriend Lela. Maybe she will wake up and figure it out soon and want you back.
Hugs,
Bree :)

[IamWren]

"No woman 'totally straight', study says" http://www.bbc.com/news/health-34744903
Then we have things like this. I think it is natural for women to question our sexuality because they know how wobbly their own is.

That's a pretty fascinating study and I'd be interested in knowing the results of further studies. It reminds me of a scene from a Seinfeld episode where Elaine says dramatically, "well... the female body is a work of art." Then adds very dryly and matter of factly, "the male body is utilitarian. It's for gettin' around. It's like a jeep."

It's sort of a comedic interpretation of the results of that study.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9v8hcAezkk

[pamela7]

Surveys of this forum and the T spectrum revealed that the T has the same distribution as the CIS world, Lela. In other words 95% are hetero and the rest are LBG, apparently. I'm not so sure if it's quite right, but those are the numbers I've seen.

The best "hard" evidence is what you give her in the privacy of your home :-)

[Jacqueline StGermain]

Every straight person I've told automatically assumes we (I )do this to attract guys, it takes a bit of explaining to convince them otherwise
In the words of comedian Kip Addatta, " I'm a lesbian trapped in a mans body!"

[Allisa]

In my own occasional meetings with people one of the first questions is "are you gay?". I answer them only to appease the question, it is none of their business but the conversation would not be on going if I didn't. I dress to satisfy my expression of self ,not to attract any kind of attention, male, female or sexual after all isn't that one of our objectives to just blend in? If people believe I'm gay than so be it, I know the answer and if I cared what everybody thought of me I would never leave my house or open a curtain.

[Crissy Kay]

That would be my guess too. As it turns out, my late cd girlfriend was very straight, but over time she was more hands on with me then she was at the beginning of our friendship. I think like me, she was more on the by side then she was willing to admit, even to herself.

[theresa renee]

First as you mention it is easy to infer (incorrectly) that if one dresses like a woman, they must want to be a woman and thereby want to attract men.


The moniker LBGT certainly has lumped us in there. If CDS are counted in that umbrella, then it isn't surprising that assumptions will be made. Not that I really even care anymore, but I used to, and early on even wondered about myself.


I do wish there was a better understanding of CDing and what it is. With some way to put identities to each faction without grouping all in one, but that is the nature of anything we want to deny.

i read these quotes over and over, and i wanted to come up with something more thoughtful than what i will say.

people will label, categorize, interpret, or dissect as a means to understand, even if that understanding initially presents itself - to you or to themselves - as curiosity.

it's not just as as CDers, either; as a person of color whose features don't "neatly" fit into the notion of the "average" attributes of a person with my ethnic background, i am often asked, "what are you?". does it make a person racist? i'm not sure - i think it's just curiosity in most cases, an attempt to classify and therefore to understand. the question, "are you gay?" comes from a similar place, i think; yes, there are insecurities in the assumption your ex-girlfriend made regarding your sexual orientation, but like others have said, that's on her.

another member of this forum once quipped that dressing was the ultimate exercise in self-absorption, and asking our partners to accept this part of us is ultimately selfish. i don't fully agree with the statement they made, but i do believe that the right partner should accept you for who you are if you're accepting of them as well. sounds to me like this chick couldn't hang.

besides, you note her jealousy in your second sentence... do you really want a person like that?

[Sky]

another member of this forum once quipped that dressing was the ultimate exercise in self-absorption, and asking our partners to accept this part of us is ultimately selfish.

It wasn't me but I agree with that view.

Just "asking" to be accepted is not selfish per se. But demanding it, or giving it for granted, is. Our partners chose a certain person, and the package includes the way we look and present ourselves. If we change that -be it by wearing women's clothes or a Scream mask 24/7- why should they be expected to accept it automatically?

[Meghan4now]

Maybee, but does that mean I should feel justified to divorce my wife just because she has put on weight, has a lower libido, etc.? Pretty extreme view in my opinion.

[SHINY-J]

"Is it hard for non-CDs to believe that CDs aren't attracted to their same sex?"

Bottom line?.... For the most part, yes. End of story.

I wish it were different,... Maybe decades from now, it will be... But for now, it's petty much what I would say the vast majority of non-CDs think.

I would also say that it also depends on what the definition of "gay" is... Which is so subjective for everyone all over the world.

For example- I consider myself to be completely straight. I've never been with a man physically, romantically, flirting, etc. when I think of being in a romantic relationship, it's always with a woman.

To preface- my dressing is entirely about sexual gratification. i don't feel any desire to be a woman. Ive always been turned on by shiny fabrics and bombshell women that are larger than life. Big hair, big boobs, tiny waists, hourglass figure, platform boots, etc. Finding those women in real life isn't always easy, so I decided to try looking like that woman and it worked for me. Still, In the 90% of my life when I'm not dressing, I'm completely attracted to women only. However, when I dress, I have fantasized about being with other CD's, transsexuals, etc. I've also fantasized about having men dominate and use me. It's never a specific man like an actor, model, singer, celebrity, etc. ... it's just me getting aroused at envisioning myself being completely vulnerable and being used that way that I find exciting. In recent relationships with women, I've also fantasized about being a CD cuckold and dressing while watching her be with other men and me joining in. Once again- no man in particular and I never am out with them looking for other guys. To be honest, the fantasy doesn't ever even cross my mind when I am out with them. It only ever comes about when I'm aroused. To me, if I had to classify my dressing, it seems like it's mainly a mixture of fetishes- vinyl, leather, latex, satin, etc. and trashy clothes and shoes, mixed with the taboo of being a "Guy's guy" but having this secret and engaging in risky behavior, and lastly a turn on of being somewhat of a submissive who enjoys humiliation.

Now, the point I'm getting at is that I consider myself straight. There are some- both on and off this MB- that would say that I'm gay or at least bi because of my fantasies. Then again, there are some who might claim that if I've never acted on them and only had these fantasies in my head, that I'm a straight guy who just has some fantasies- nothing more. There are also people out there that also think that if two male actors kiss each other on screen that they are immediately gay.... That a man could dress up like a woman for Halloween and he's gay... That a guy who wears a pink shirt is gay... Then again, some people are really just really stupid.


My point is that it's all subjective. Yes, a significant amount of people out there who automatically assume that every CD is gay are just ignorant fools... However, I could also argue that there are many out there who aren't just blatantly ignorant and filled with hate that assume it simply because they've never experienced it before. I wouldn't necessarily hold it against them because if you've read through the threads and posts on this board for any significant length of time, you'll find that the dressing is about the only constant amongst all of us... In terms of everything else, we are all over the spectrum and we all seem to have a certain amount of difficulty understanding where exactly we fit in.

[Saikotsu]

Depends on the non CD individual. In general, there is a stereotype that all CDs are gay which we obviously know is false. Some certainly are, but not all, and I would wager most aren't.

[Nikki Elle Wife]

This is all new to me, so this is very fresh. I will admit that one of the thoughts I had after my husband shared that he loved to CD was about his sexual preference. Which was silly. I was really afraid that he was not going to like me as much. Yep, it was all about me and my place in all this. A 40 year old having teenage angst. After a few conversations I am no longer concerned. In fact, Nikki has brought us closer together.

In addition, I read an article early on which pointed out that women dress like men all the time and no one thinks a thing about it. Cross dressing is the flip of this. This made sense to me. Make-up, shoes, cute outfits, and hair-styling are fun. Why not let guys in on this if they are interested in it?

[Jamie390]

When I first came out to my wife, she feared that I wanted to be with men and wasn't attracted to her anymore. That was only about 6 months ago. She still isn't 100% comfortable with the CDing, but she knows that I am still completely in love and attracted to only her.

[theresa renee]

In fact, Nikki has brought us closer together.


this made me smile. thank you.

[PaulaQ]

I'm not a CD, and I have no problem believing most of you have zero attraction to men. Oh - you meant is it hard for cisgender people to believe that CDs aren't attracted to the same sex? Well sure, but that's because most cis-het people barely understand sexuality at all, and gender not at all. They just know they are men or women, and straight. Everything else is lumped into "other", and the word " gay" is slapped on it.

[Teresa]

Nikki,
The last part of your second paragraph is so goo to hear, especially from a GG, I wish more partners looked at it that way.
Sadly it's not as easy as that, with or without social pressures most guys know that the feelings go deeper, asking why and what is driving this need. Not all CDers wish to know and take it as it comes but I just had to know why from an early age, not only to answer myself but a partner who is not accepting. To them the act of dressing suggests they may lose their husband or wish to part with them because of the lies and deceit the simple enjoyable act of CDing has caused .

Again Paula hits the point on the head , she's seen it and lived through it all ! We are very lucky to have her input !