Same old story. ...wife gave me the ultimatum

[cdphose]

So recently, my wife said she can no longer be married to me if I crossdress. This comes after I caught her trying to have relations with our daughter's best friend's dad, also after months of her lying about her marijuana use. We've been in counseling, and things are better. ..for her. She's made her amends regarding the infidelity, and I think she's going through early menopause which explains some of the erratic behavior. I at this point don't want to stop dressing, but I also don't want to lose my family for crossdressing. She's embarrassed me, and described me as a novelty regarding our early relationship and her desire to be with me prior to marriage. She also told one of her friends about my dressing and the associated fetishes that surround it with me. She's now said she may be OK with occasional pantyhose or leggings (my favorites). I just cannot see ever wanting to do this in front of her again. I suspect she said no crossdressing just to hurt me, but now I feel disgusted and betrayed on so many levels! What kills me is I was really coming to terms with who I was as a man, a crossdresser and a husband. Help!

[Vala]

I can't give any advise since I'm currently in a divorce because of my dressing. But I do feel for you and wish you luck.

[suzanne]

Your marriage has more problems than your CDing, as your wife claims. She wants you to take the blame for her drug use and unfaithfulness. Hogwash. She does drugs and other men and blames you because she is a cheating, drug addled, bigoted piece of crap who has a convenient excuse to hang it on. Don't accept that. She is doing far more damage than you are. Maybe this marks the end of your marriage, but if she wants that much control over you, it's not a marriage after all.

My marriage may not be much different than yours, because my wife now admits there was a time when she would rather have seen me dead than in a dress. But she never gave me the ultimatum, and I never gave her a fight. I just did what I had to do, which was to put on my dress and act normally. Most people on this site will tell you that's wrong, and that I should have gone at her pace, and converse with her about it. But her pace and comfort level would have stayed at zero forever, so I proceeded to do my thing. Finally, she did some of her own research, which included some browsing of this site, and after some soul searching realized that she is better off together with me than apart. We are now rebuilding our relationship and she tells me that her attitude is more of a problem than my gender presentation.

What I want to say to you is that you are your own person and nobody knows where crossdressing comes from but it's an integral and inseparable part of who you are and she needs to find a way to respect that. I would like to add that many of the personality traits that she loves best about you likely come from your feminine side, as is the case with me.

[kittie60]

Ditto here. The only advice I can give iis keep trying to work it out. Sometimes it takes alot patience,love,understandind and sacrifices to keep what you want. I truely do know what your going through. I wish you the best of luck

[josrphine]

Hi CDphose, I am one of many that was in the boat you are now in. My wife cheated an made the same story. It was my fault. Well she divoriced me for the other guy. Pay back feels so good, as she got a S T D from him an tried to blame me. The test showed that I was clean an he left her. I am in my 10 yr. with a great wife that loves me just as much if not more as a women then a man. They are out there an remember listen to them what do they talk about most. There best girl friend. Yes I am now her best girl friend. Oh yes an man part for all the good stuff. JO

[Erica Marie]

I can kind of relate. I was in a three year relationship with an old high school flame after she got divorced. After about 2 1/2 years I told her about my dressing. She also used my dressing as an "excuse" to sleep around behind my back. Just remember kharma is real and in the end she will get her reality check. My advice is be the best person you can be, dont let your dressing over take your life at this point. Try your best to work out your problems. The very hardest thing to rememeber is that everything happens for a reason. I have been divorced and made it through with two kids that grew up to be awesome adults. Sometimes, you so have to do whats right for you.

[Stephj]

I have been divorced now for many years my ex also gave me the ultimatum quit wearing a bra since we have been divorced she has been married twice and is divorced again carma does strange things

[Eryn]

What you are doing is neither immoral or illegal. What she is doing is both. She has no leg to stand on in making ultimatums.

First you have to come to terms with yourself. After that, you get to decide whether the marriage is worth it. From your description, it is not terribly good and the main difficulties have nothing to do with you.

She's already outed you, so that dubious weapon is now useless. It seems that it is up to her to make up for her transgressions. You've done nothing wrong at all except perhaps in your own mind, which is why self-acceptance should be your primary goal.

[MelanieAnne]

Unless you are a glutton for punishment, I would suggest a divorce. You might want to cancel the credit cards and empty the bank account first! There isn't going to be a happy ending here.

[ChristinaK]

Your CDing is only a part of your problem. I recommend counseling for yourself and for your marriage.

Also, think real hard about what life would be like divorced. You would survive and you would find another woman, possibly much better. Been there too.

If she's going to leave you for CDing, how much love is there anyway? Just a thought.

Good luck and I hope it works out for you either way.

[Stephanie47]

The comment was made above that maybe you were moving at a pace faster than your wife could/would accommodate. That may well be the case for marriages that do not otherwise have issues. However, I suspect with many others cross dressing is not really the issue. More than fifty percent or marriages end in divorce. I don't think crossdressing is the reason for many of those divorces since there are so few of us. Drugs? Infidelity? I cannot assess the status of your relationship. But, I will offer this advice. Do not stay in a lousy marriage based on the premise that crossdressing is on par with drugs and infidelity. In order words, since she is defective and I am not what the world sees as a man, then I should suffer along with her. If the "Cat is out of the bag" and you have been outed that should eliminate that fear. And, she may be OK with occasional pantyhose or leggings? Is that an OK trade that will let her use a "little" amount of drugs or a "one night stand" instead of a long term dalliance.

My guess is she is trying to deflect any negativity from her on to you. Try counseling, but, don't sell out to her.

[Ally 2112]

Sometimes blame is the easiest way to not have to take responsibility for your own actions .No matter who you are or what you do .Just my opinion

[Jaylyn]

Just being an old retired guy that fell in love and have been married to the same love of my life now for the biggest part of my life and for 44 years I can truly weigh in on this. When my wife went thru menopause was the only time I ever thought we might not make it. I think our closeness to each other and our love was the only thing that pulled us thru. My wife and I had our sit down and talk heart to heart many times. All good marriages has to have an open line of communication and a forgiving heart. This has to come from both of you. When the change starts a guy sometimes just has to step aside and just count the days until she is thru with those years. This is when you have to be the one that takes the high road and over look some of the crazy things that some GG will go thru at this time. My wife became more nervous, also more flirty with other men, she also became very short with those she really loved the most. You are walking on egg shells during this time. Be patient with her, watch what you say, and help make the time in menopause easier for her. It's definitely not an easy time for either one of you. Good luck as I don't know your whole situation but menopause can be a marriage killer and sometimes both parties lose what they love the most.

[TrishaTX]

sounds like allot of non communication and some lying neither of which is good for marriage. If you cannot be honest , it probably wont work. Keep up the therapy.

[~Joanne~]

I personally wouldn't have been in the relationship one day past the infidelity, and certainly not after regarding you as a "novelty". She is saying that she has never taken the relationship seriously, nor will she ever. By handing you an ultimatum she is saying your going to change but is she? probably not. People that cheat are repeat offenders and My best advice is to leave her. Feeling betrayed is exactly how you should feel because that is all she has done to you. I don't like giving advice like this but your relationship is toxic at best and the worse is yet to come

[Tonya Rose]

Ditch The Bi#*h! JMO! Or you will be taking the blame for everything!!!!! And wasting time!!!!

[SHINY-J]

So recently, my wife said she can no longer be married to me if I crossdress. This comes after I caught her trying to have relations with our daughter's best friend's dad, also after months of her lying about her marijuana use. We've been in counseling, and things are better. ..for her. She's made her amends regarding the infidelity, and I think she's going through early menopause which explains some of the erratic behavior. I at this point don't want to stop dressing, but I also don't want to lose my family for crossdressing. She's embarrassed me, and described me as a novelty regarding our early relationship and her desire to be with me prior to marriage. She also told one of her friends about my dressing and the associated fetishes that surround it with me. She's now said she may be OK with occasional pantyhose or leggings (my favorites). I just cannot see ever wanting to do this in front of her again. I suspect she said no crossdressing just to hurt me, but now I feel disgusted and betrayed on so many levels! What kills me is I was really coming to terms with who I was as a man, a crossdresser and a husband. Help!

My advice is that I would honestly stop and have a long, hard, and HONEST think about this and determine if the dressing is truly a serious problem for the relationship, or if she's just using that as something against you to try to offset the damage that she inflicted on your marriage with her infidelity. If everyone on here is honest, in all of the divorce topics on this board, the dressing has ALWAYS been brought up as the main problem for the wife wanting to leave.

Honestly, I don't buy the menopause or marijuana explanation... I live in Colorado where pot is legal and of course, some may use it more than others, but for the most part, it's a pretty harmless drug. Less harmless than alcohol. Even if it's illegal in most places, it's still really no explanation for her straying from your marriage. As for the other- There are millions of women experiencing menopause as we speak where it doesn't affect their marriage to the point that they feel the need to cheat.

Now, ... Before I say this, please don't think that I intend to hurt you with this remark, but the dressing may have played a part in her straying from the marriage in that she lost respect for you as a man. I'm not saying that it's right or that I agree with her- just that it may be the case. I know that in the few times I've told women about my dressing, it's ALWAYS been the beginning of the end. The relationship forever changed from that point forward- and it wasn't because " they felt like I lied to them"... It was simply because they thought me dressing automatically equated to me being less of a man. Regardless of the fact that I climb mountains, ski and snowboard, play hockey, play football, lift weights, camp, fish, scuba dive, restore cars, watch all types of sports, have subscriptions to playboy, love women, etc... None of that mattered the minute I told them that I love wearing satin panties. I get it... It can come as a surprise, but I still don't think it negates anything I ever did and do that are manly. I also don't think it changes who I am. If anything, I thought it would make them feel more secure that our relationship was strong and that I was truly committed to them as I was entrusting them with my "secret"... So many women complaim that men cheat and cannot be trusted- I thought my telling them about my dressing would've made them feel more secure that it was a relationship I was committed to and wanted to last. Still, each and every one of them thought less of me as a man and it all fell apart from that point on. Once again... Not because they felt like I lied... Just because they felt like I was not an alpha male anymore... Looking back, I am POSITIVE this was the case. Truth is, they were all pretty shallow and helpless women who were only really in love with the idea of what I represented. With all of the times that it happened, they ALL lost some amount of respect for me and things just eroded from there.

Now, I'm not trying to toot my own horn here but, As men go.... I'm a catch. I usually have no difficulty getting women at all. My CD dressing is all about being trashy and looking like a cheap bimbo. As a guy, I'm stylish. I am tall, fit, successful, no kids, financially secure, charming, funny, kind, strong, etc. it's not a facade either... As far as personality goes, I'm just wired that way... With everything else, I work hard in the gym and at work to make sure I present well and age gracefully.

The point is the few women I've opened up to about my dressing immediately forgot all of that because not only were they shallow and superficial, but they were also so vain, self-absorbed, and cocky that they thought they could do better. They immediately equated my dressing to weakness and "possibly gay". Regardless of all of the "manly things" they'd seen me do time and time again, it didn't matter. They were looking for an alpha male - I no longer was one in their mind. Truth is, if anything, I'm more of an alpha male now because in each of those experiences, I got more fit, more successful, etc. and I dated women that are both younger and more attractive since them. Hell, I've been watching football nonstop for the past 8 hours! Lol Granted, I just put on wet look chaps with a wet look thong, a black lame' bustier with my M cup Brest forms, 6 inch platform heels, wet look opera gloves and a vinyl choke collar with an Elvira wig lol:daydreaming: but I'll satisfy my sexual desires, toss the clothes in the closet, jump in the shower, and then I'll be heading out as my regular ole self looking for women. :devil:

But I digress... The point I'm trying to get across is that the dressing may or not have set the wheels in motion... I don't know enough about your relationship with her before she knew to gauge whether or not that's the case. Truth is, you know her better than anyone else and as anyone who is married or has been married before can tell you, we all can/could tell when things start to go sour with our wives. Bottom line is that even if the dressing is the impetus, it doesn't justify her indiscretions or how she's treated you ever since. If it's a problem, then she should talk to you about it and not use it as an excuse to soil her oats and use it against you to justify her lousy behavior. I hope you find the right answers for YOU and the right solution and outcome for YOU. I know what it's like as my ex tried to use my dressing as leverage against me in the divorce and the other women I told tried to spread it around to friends just to be spiteful.

[MissTee]

Sorry to hear of your hardship and the ultimatum. All I can say is life is too short and too precious to be unhappy. Wish you all the best in whatever course you take.

[Tracii G]

She is the one that messed up so don't let her use you or blame you for her bad judgment and illegal behavior.
She has broken the law with drugs and committed adultery.
Get an attorney,get your ducks in a row and make her leave.
If it were me I would be a hard ass and send her packing.

[maggiepat]

Wow suzanne! Fantastic reply!!! Very wise. Okay, I have nothing to add except "ditto"!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Have you talked to a good Divorce Lawyer yet ??:hugs:

[Beverley Sims]

Orchid has the sage advice here, the cross dressing wedge is only in there to prop up her transgressions.

Saving the marriage means getting rid of those dubious drug activities also.

[OCCarly]

Get out of that marriage. You do not have a bright future with anyone who mistreats you like that and you never will, no matter how much therapy you attend. My ex wife cheated on me for two years, stole huge amounts of money from me and spent it on her boyfriend, and after she left me and he turned out to be the louse I always knew he was, (and after I met my wife and got engaged) my ex had the nerve to blame her cheating on my Asperger Syndrome (B.S., she also cheated on every other man she was with before me; I found that out during the divorce investigation), and she tried to claim that we could get back together if I got therapy.

(Hmm, tough choice, either get therapy and get back with someone who now has the power to always say I am not good enough for her, or marry a girl who totally accepts me as I am? What a choice!)

I patiently explained to her that there was no need for therapy since I was engaged to someone who totally accepted me as I am. My wife and I are about to celebrate our fifteenth anniversary.

You deserve to be happy. Staying married to that woman is never going to get you there.

[Tara Rushing]

I'm sorry to hear of your plight. I wish you the best.

[Amy Fakley]

Since you're new here, I don't have much to go on other than your post. I'm sure, as with everything, there's a lot more to the story.

Marijuana isn't really that bad, and it's completely legal in a lot of places. I'd further recommend that you try it together, with her, then talk to eachother "Smokeum peace pipe" as they used to say in bad westerns. I know I may get mod'd for this comment, but I'll post it anyhow, because what I'm saying is real: that approach has improved my marriage a thousand times over.

The stuff we deal with is a little unusual. It can provoke visceral, highly emotional reactions. Being able to dissociate yourself from an entrenched point of view (both of you) and truly examine all the aspects from different points of view ... while keeping the emotions in check ... that's difficult. It can be done with discipline. It can also be done without discipline, almost by accident, with a little help from mother nature. The Indians knew this. You can know it too :-)

It may or may not be for you guys, but if things are as bad as you say, can it really hurt?

[Judith96a]

The thought that comes to mind is that "people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones". It might be worth reminding her of that and suggesting that you'd quite like to meet her friend (with you en femme)! She's feeling guilty and trying to grab some spurious moral high ground. Don't stand for that nonsense. Call it out for what it is.

[MelanieAnne]

Your CDing is only a part of your problem. I recommend counseling for yourself and for your marriage.

In this particular case, counseling would be a waste of time and money, and just postpone the inevitable. Time to cut the losses and move on. The bus comes by every 15 minutes!

[docrobbysherry]

Taking u at your word, CD? I'd say your marriage is over. Maybe it has been for some time?

Do u still love her? If u don't and u r staying together for your "children or family", I believe u r making a big mistake!

[Sharon B.]

Chances are she will find somebody else to fool with while she wants you to forgive and forget and for you to stop your activities. Been there before, some can change some can't. Just saying.

[Vicky_Scot]

Tonya is spot on.