Four in the Morning issues

[Samantha2015]

Well it's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep. I'm thinking about all kinds of stuff
but mostly about my fear of going out in public dressed as Samantha.
I love every one of you here who have commented on my pictures and said I was pretty and why on earth don't you get out in the world. It makes me feel good about myself and that I might be good at doing something.


The thing about going out dressed is to me it seems like it's a lie.
I know I'm not a woman, I'm never going to be a woman. I don't feel like a woman trapped in a mans body.
I like to dress up and try to look like a woman on occasion but it's not a 24/7 lifestyle for me. I wish I knew why I like to
do it and what triggered it at a young age. I find it a challenge and fun to be something I'm not. However when I'm dressed I don't feel finally at peace like I needed to get that disgusting guy out of my life. That's just not the case.


So i think when it comes to going out dressed it just doesn't feel like I'm presenting the real me. Maybe that's the issue that is a stumbling block for me. The real me is a goofy fun loving guy with a good sense of humor and some awesome friends & family who know nothing about my other side.
Samantha is a dream or fantasy that part of me wishes were real but I know it's not.
Maybe these are just some 4am rantings but i felt I had to write it out.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I'd love to hear some other's take on it.
Peace be with you.

~~~~~ I've been re-reading this many times and even debating posting it.
I don't want to bring anyone down, I'm just saying how I feel about my situation
and in no way is this a commentary on anyone else's journey in this world.

[Erica Marie]

Its all about your mind set. Sounds as if you are a little confused. Its alright to be. Make it what you want it to be, there are alot of cds that make very pretty women, but when the time is up they are content to go back to their male world. You said you are fun loving, so go out and do just that, have fun with it. Hit a club, do some dancing, hang out and have fun. There are no rules here that say if you wanna dress the part you must be a women. Honestly I kind of wish I had your problem. For me it is about gender id, kinda sucks.

[Anita Lynn]

I'm with you on the 4:00 am and cant sleep thing! mine is because of a weird work schedule (and up this early on a day off!).
Each one of us dresses for our own reason. what ever drives us to do it is different.
As for your own personal tastes... that's up to you.
I myself do not pass, will never pass (unless seen at a great distance by a blind person!) and have no intention of ever trying. oh well, that's life.
but weather in guy mode or as Anita I am still me.
I dress because to me it feels good to me.
I have been known to drive around and even walked around a little, it feels good to me.
I have been known to under dress, it feels good and I like it.
I love the "hug" feeling from wearing a bra, its wonderful, except here in the "Republic of Texas" in July, its too hot.
But I will say, Anita keeps me on an even keel so to speak. Helps me stay calm and even in a little better health watching my diet trying to look good in a dress (?!? I look like a short linebacker in a dress! nothing looks good about that!)
My point is, I love this side of me, it helps me be a more caring person and show compassion to others and a gentler person over all.
Anita rounds me out perfectly.

Embrace the reasons you enjoy dressing and focus on that, the rest will sort itself out.
And just be the best you you can be, in either mode.

OK, I'm done, think it was more fore me than anything else.

Anita Lynn

[Krisi]

I say don't worry about it and do what makes you feel good as long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else. I don't know why I do it either but I've stopped trying to figure out why.

As far as presenting the real you in public, while a man dressing as a woman is a bit extreme, people often don't present their real selves in public. Think padded or pushup bras, colored hair or wigs, girdles, shoe lifts, etc. Even wearing a suit and tie when in reality you are a plumber or electrician could be considered "fake".

[Sara Jessica]

If the thought of going out in public is that stressful to you, there is no need to bother. No one says you HAVE to do it. If you are happy at home, keep it that way.

OTOH, going out opens up an entire new world of possibilities including having the opportunity to be social. I don't think it makes any difference if you are being social "while presenting as a female" or "as a female", the difference being how you feel in your heart about how you define your trans-ness. The experience is simply wonderful...and utterly necessary for some.

I'm sure this reply doesn't help you a bit!!! :)

[Meghan4now]

Samantha,

Don't fret dear friend. You don't have to feel the tug of GID to enjoy going out. I am not a woman, or on my way to being one. I look at it like this, it's fun to get to play that role. I have a huge amount of empathy for people, and love to see things from their perspective. I practiced Chinese martial arts for years, and participated in Chinese cultural events as part of that. At those events, I dressed the part (of course I wasn't trying to Look Chinese or say I was). It was fun and I had an extended family from that. I've had circles of friends from many cultures, ethnicities and socioeconomic groups. I've shared in their culture and language where I could.

I love women, and like to share with them in many ways. I like to walk a mile in their shoes, both literally and figuratively. It's a lot of fun. Am I lying? I don't feel like I am. I feel like I am playing a role, and love to do a great job of getting into character.

[Heidi Stevens]

Samantha, sometimes it's stomach acid keeping you up. Take a Tums and get a big drink of water. JK. You are going thru what a lot of us do, worrying about every aspect of your dressing, should I take it farther and where is this going. As with most things we worry about, we're the only thing holding ourselves back. If you truly would like to go out into the real world, you have to find that kernel of courage and just do it. Expect to be clocked, expect to be snickered at, expect to have a wonderful time! Your photos tell me you'll do just fine stepping out that door, you just got to trust us and yourself and just do it. Just make sure its an appropriate outfit for the situation. If your still having questions and doubts about all of this even after you conquer going out, then a good gender therapist will help you arrive at an answer. I know it helped clear up a lot of my sleepless nights. Good luck, dear. I'm rooting for you!

[JustWendy]

Samantha - there's no rule that says you have to go out once you're dressed. The members who go out do so because they want to engage the world while dressed. They may hesitate because it can be a scary thing, but they want to cross the threshold. Or maybe they just grow tired of having to change their clothes just to go to the store for milk. If you want to go out, then don't get hung up on what's real or fake. Dressing is a part of you, so you are being the real you. If you're happy with the status quo, don't go out just because you think it's something you should do.

Wendy

[Gabby6790]

From your posts is sounds like you DO want to go out but just aren't sure if that is the right thing. My suggestion is to just try it and see what happens. I know for me it was a game changer. It turned what I considered a kink to "hey I need to find out why this feels so amazing and right". Head out for a drive at night and just stop in a mall parking lot and take little walk around.

Just try and make it a cool breezy night and make sure you shave your legs, wear pantyhose, and a flowing skirt!!! Oh and don't for get the heels.:thumbup:

[Kandi Robbins]

Sammy,

Listen my friend. You could have just as easily written this on my behalf as well.

I speak from experience here. When I go out, I am not necessarily presenting myself as anything other than me. I have been blessed to find this comfort zone that allows me to enjoy being dressed as a woman, and sometimes act like a woman, but be me through and through. This is part of me, so for me, it's not like it's a lie. This is part of you. We will never understand why we do this, there is simply no logical explanation to it as a crossdresser (TG is a different story). I have found that embracing it has made my life fun, and most importantly, it has brought internal happiness to me. I had this very same, exact struggle myself this time last year.

I know you are not going to believe me, but going out and making friends it simply the best medicine. You intellectually know you are not alone, but until you prove that to yourself, something inside of you won't allow you to believe it.

Your big sister,
Kandi

[Stephanie47]

My mother use to ask me when I was going to do something she felt was stupid , "If the person in front of you is going to jump off the bridge are you going to follow him?"

You do what you feel comfortable doing? If your outer/public self is that of a "fun loving guy with a good sense of humor," then to appear/emulate as a woman is a fraud upon yourself! You never do something without looking at the consequences of your actions. It's risk v reward.

There is a lot of advice on this site to just throw caution to the wind. What is good for one person may be the death of another. Don't believe everything you read on this site. Your pictures do suggest you are passable. However, if your mind is not into it, going out en femme really does not fulfill any purpose.

It took me a very long time to stop trying to figure out why I started wearing women's clothing. It still don't know the answer to "Why?" I just focus on what feelings I get when en femme, and, let Stephanie out of her shell when I need her.

[Beverley Sims]

A 4am rant can be a great leveller.

You often think of things that would not come up when the rest of the world is awake.

You are quite normal in my assumption. :-)

[Samantha2015]

WOW !! I don't know if I say it enough, what amazing folks are here on this forum !! Thank you all
so much for your advice. From the bottom of my heart I appreciate it so much !!!
I don't know what sparked my rant (friday 13th) ?? But I really needed to say something, anything
or I felt like I was going to bust or never get back to sleep.
The weird thing is there is still a spark of wanting to go out. But conquering the fear inside will take
some more work. I still love my girl side and if not for her I would have never found you all here.
Thank you again so much !!!
:bighug2:

[AngelaYVR]

Kandi's reply could well have been written by me. If you feel ready but are hung up on the whys, then just think of going out for the first time like your first dive off the high board. You can't reason it so you just run at it and do it - and then see how effortless and fun it was. The why becomes immaterial.

[SherriePall]

Samantha -- There's no rule saying that you can't be a fun-loving girl with an awesome sense of humor! And, eventually, you might even have a close circle of good friends, too.
You'll never know til you get out there. And, if the first time out doesn't do it, try again.

[Sarah.Jane]

Samantha, that's exactly how it is with me,

[marsha leanne]

Samantha,
You spoke for both of us. thank you!

i tried going out some time ago ( a long ago) and although it was fun and scary, i never did it again. Like you, i am content, know my boundrys and and am perfectly content to stay there. every word you wrote worked for me.
thanks again!

[IamWren]

Well it's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep. I'm thinking about all kinds of stuff
but mostly about my fear of going out in public dressed as Samantha.
Some of my best thoughts come to me in that half-awake, not-quite-asleep, is-this-a-dream state that is 4 in the morning but I didn't have the presence of mind to write them down. I'm SOOO very glad you wrote this post because....


The thing about going out dressed is to me it seems like it's a lie.
I know I'm not a woman, I'm never going to be a woman. I don't feel like a woman trapped in a mans body.
I like to dress up and try to look like a woman on occasion but it's not a 24/7 lifestyle for me. I find it a challenge and fun to be something I'm not. However when I'm dressed I don't feel finally at peace like I needed to get that disgusting guy out of my life.

THIS.... this could have been written by me... word for word. (Plus the comments have been so phenomenal) But I know exactly how you feel! I don't feel like a woman trapped in a man's body. This isn't some innate feeling. It isn't something deeply embedded in my soul. I don't find my guy side disgusting... ok, maybe a little, I mean really???... the hair everywhere, hard lines instead of curves, and the smells. Sorry TMI? :D
But seriously, I don't have that issue internal gender struggle. I just recently discovered I like to try and look pretty. And the couple of times I've done my makeup and strapped on boobs or even thought about it, I want it to do it better than before almost like a golf swing. And please don't think I'm trying downplay or disparage our 'sisters' here who do have that innate feeling to dress. Not my intent at all. I do realize that I am very lucky in this regard.


So i think when it comes to going out dressed it just doesn't feel like I'm presenting the real me. Maybe that's the issue that is a stumbling block for me. The real me is a goofy fun loving guy with a good sense of humor and some awesome friends & family who know nothing about my other side.
I have the same exact feeling about going out... because I don't feel like a woman trapped in a man's body, I wonder if going out would feel... fake.
yet paradoxically, there are times where I want to dress and appear female.
Oddly enough, in the handful of times I've dressed fully, makeup and all, I feel very feminine (whatever degree a man can feel feminine). And when I was dressed or when I think about dressing, I feel like I really want to go out but then I come back around to thinking that is silly... kinda fake. Maybe if I had somewhere to be like the bowling league that someone brought up in past thread or some sort of CD.com awards banquet/conference it would give me a reason for (and I love Krisi's way she says this) "strapping on boobs" and getting out.


I've been re-reading this many times and even debating posting it.
You and I are kindred spirits in this regard. I will do it with responding to a thread, when commenting on someone's photos... rereading my words so as not to offend or hurt someone's feelings. I've been a little snarky lately but not with the intention of trying to hurt anyone. I guess I'm like you Samantha... just a goofy, fun-loving guy who happens to like trying to look pretty sometimes.

[Rachael Leigh]

Samantha believe me Im with you, I too know Im not a women and will never be one but there has always been this desire to wear things pretty, I cant explain it and doubt I ever will. When I finally took it to the next level makeup and wig and finally going out I kept asking myself why am I doing this, but once I did it was like it seemed right for me. I know its not right for everyone here and even if you never set foot out that door you will be great and life in the CD world will go on. We all have reasons and some will never go out, honestly I sometimes wished I had never done it but now as they say the cat is out of the bag.
Leigh

[Taragirl427]

Samantha, just be true to yourself. If you don't want to go out and about dressed theres no reason you should feel you have to. Just enjoy this side of you how you see fit!

[marshalynn]

Samantha, not one person on this web site is a woman, but a part or all of our brains make us think we are. We just want to live our lives the way our brains think we should be living. Some can do just a little and be happy, some have to go all the way. I live my life 99 % fem now, after a very long time of wondering why, I go out daily with very long natural hair, ear rings, makeup, and dressed as a normal female. I still will hesitate to get out of my car at a new place for a few seconds. Why do I love to wear female clothes, I don't know, why do I love to go out dressed, I don't know. It just feels normal to me, but I do know if I am not in fem clothes, I don't feel wright. Do I pass, I don't know, I am a large person, have been going out a lot for the past 3 years, never had any negative reaction. I think you will go out when you get ready, you look very pretty and will have a great time after the first step. Marshalynn

[flatlander_48]

S:

Yes, strange things do happen at 4am, but my question is what did you have for dinner?!?!

Anyway, a couple of things...

Rest assured that you are not a different person when you dress. Different characteristics may bubble to the surface, but it isn't someone else. Just other facets of the same diamond.

The Why behind our dressing is a great concern for some. Personally I think it is a bit of a pointless pursuit, but wonder if worry over the future is the driver? In other words, if you find out your particular Why, will fixing or changing that mean that you will no longer feel the need to dress and there won't be a possibility that you could be a transsexual? Unfortunately there is some degree of unpredictability as we evolve.

DeeAnn

[AnnieMac]

You describing yourself, Samantha pretty much, described me too. So you're not weird or anything.

[Belle De Mer]

I totally get how you feel, Samantha. If I ever get the chance to dress up at home, I have way more fun than when I go out. All of our circumstances are a bit different, and mine dictate that dressing up at home is not an option. I think you are lucky in this way. I can also understand by looking at your pics, why you get so many comments telling you to get out and about.

[Pat]

If you don't want to go out, don't go out. If you do want to go out, go out. You owe nobody anything for being a crossdresser -- you're not shirking any responsibility; there are no "levels;" crossdressers who go out are in no way "better" than those who don't. Someday you may go out and by linguistic convention you'll say "I regret not doing it sooner" but in fact you should have no real regrets. Like Polonius said, "This above all: to thine own self be true / And it must follow, as the night the day / Thou canst not then be false to any man."

[AnnieMac]

Paul Simon will make you feel better, hun:

Four in the morning
Crapped out
Yawning
Longing my life away
I'll never worry
Why should I?
It's all gonna fade

Now I sit by my window
And I watch the cars
I fear I'll do some damage
One fine day
But I would not be convicted
By a jury of my peers
Still crazy
Still crazy
Still crazy after all these years

[Sheila11]

4 am and I'm wide awake. 1 hour later I'm showered, shaved, prettied up, wearing a dress and heels, and headed to Denny's. Cup of coffee or a value slam. Happens so often that I'm a regular. I don't pass. I'm not a lady. I'm not transgendered. I just love interaction as Sheila. The waitresses know me by name. I occasionally interact with other customers. I'm not lying or hiding. I'm a man in a stylish dress with great makeup.

Back home by 7am. Undressed and back to drab before my spouse's alarm at 7:30.

I'm sure this would not work for everyone, but I think it's a giggle.

[KristyE]

Sheilla11, your posting made me happy, great idea. And yes a little giggle.
Thank you, Love KristyE

[Helen_Highwater]

Samantha,
It's about one in the morning and I'm just about to go to sleep. I've just seen the thread below your's which relates to 40 years of out and about CD'ing.
I know what fear is. About a year ago I gained the confidence to dine alone in a restaurant, go to the cinema, again alone, shop. And trust me on this, you pass far better than I.
That was the last time I had the opportunity to go out en femme. In the coming days I will have the opportunity to once again step out into the wide world. I know that, to use a British phrase, I will be bricking it. Rabbit in headlights doesn't do it justice.
However, I will take those steps and it will be so liberating. First steps are likely to be a night time drive to the shops and a bit of window gazing. And it will be wonderful!!!
I don't want to transition. I'm a bloke and like it. It's just that being able to experience life from a different perspective even for a short time is something to be cherished.
Setting your fears to one side ask yourself is this something I will look back on hold as a cherished memory. I've said before and I'll repeat, lying on your deathbed wishing you'd taken the opportunity that was offered but didn't is perhaps one of the worst things I could imagine.
We pass this way but once. Don't miss out on living it to the full.

[Jenniferathome]

Samantha, I would describe myself much like you have. I'm a part timer. I dress because I feel a need to do so on occasion. I don't want be a woman. When I am out, I know that everyone who sees me KNOWS I am not a woman. The real me is a dude. But, I do go out, occasionally, because that is a PART of me. It's not a lie, I am a cross dresser. I'm not fooling anyone. I've often written that going out is like screaming from the rooftops that I am a cross dresser without making a sound. It's cathartic to show this. It's also impressive to see the reaction of the normals. People just take it in stride.

I enjoy the feeling of showing this side of me without shame. For too long, we all lived in shame. Going out, with head held high, is like stomping on the throat of shame.

Best wishes, Jen

[Ozark]

What I do when I wake up at 4 am.... I review every bad decision I made in my life. LOL!

[Pat]

If I had to review every bad decision I ever made, I'd need another lifetime. ;) (And the first decision I'd have to review would be the decision to review my previous decisions.)

[Robin414]

The thing about going out dressed is to me it seems like it's a lie.


I TOTALLY get that feeling Samantha! So much I usually take the 'androgynous' path but I'm beginning to get over it at the 1 yr mark!

BTW Has anyone seen Big Brother Canada a few seasons ago, they had a TG contestant on the show who was completely woman but with a full beard and made no apologies about it...no lying or pretending there!

[eire emma]

Hi. Can I just say,Samantha is real. She may not exist physically all the time but she's always present. She is a very important part of you,and why you're you. My Emma appears only now and again but she has her own personality and it continues to grow. Only down side to her is she refuses to wear only expensive shoes and if I tried to pawn off a cheap handbag on her I'd get it across the back of my head! Ya she's a B****h! But I love her. It doesn't matter if You don't go out, once Samantha gets her time to be that's whats important.

[ReineD]

The weird thing is there is still a spark of wanting to go out. But conquering the fear inside will take
some more work.

Take your time and do what feels comfortable. No one should think ill of you for honoring your own feelings and going at your own pace. You'll go out when you're ready to, ... or not. It's your life and whatever you decide is OK. Most people here have taken years and years to go out.

It's easy for some people to say in retrospect they should have gone out before, but if they weren't ready before (or if they didn't want to), then they would not have enjoyed it as much.

[CrossKimmy]

looking at your pictures, you are a woman in my eyes

you look stunning.. you have a great feminine shape

[heatherdress]

The thing about going out dressed is to me it seems like it's a lie.
... So i think when it comes to going out dressed it just doesn't feel like I'm presenting the real me.


Up early.

Guys wear hockey shirts, football jerseys and baseball uniform shirts of their teams. Are they presenting the "real me"? Is that a "lie"?
Guys in cities wear cowboy boots and jeans. The "real me"? Lie?

Fact is, both men and women dress in attire, style their hair and copy the looks of celebrities, teams, trends they want to, and feel good about it. Few might feel it is a lie, but most simply enjoy their appearance. They dress the way they want to for their own pleasure.

Crossdressing in women's clothing is different in several ways, but when we are dressed, are we still "the real me"? I feel I am. Is it a "lie"? I am not dressing for the purpose of deception and I don't care or think about what others might think if they notice me. I don't feel it is a "lie".

I think, Samantha, your feelings about presenting the real you and it being a lie are not simply the reasons for you not going out. They could be feelings you probably have about crossdressing in general, even in your own home, based upon guilt and upbringing. Maybe you can try to accept the fact that you enjoy crossdressing, without even trying to understand the reasons, and accept you are who you are, and that you are a pretty terrific person, regardless of what you like to wear. Maybe then, you can let yourself enjoy the pleasure, and freedom, and excitement and joy and fulfillment of going where you want to go dressed the way you want to dress without feeling it is a lie.

Yawn.

[Kate Simmons]

So why not just be a fun loving goofy girl with a sense of humor Hon? I never over think dressing but just have fun and enjoy it. Works for me. BTW the only thing that usually keeps me awake at 4 AM would be a toothache. :)

[Marcelle]

Hi Samantha,

I think you are experiencing what many who finally take the plunge and go out have experienced. You are at a point where you feel the need/draw to go out and question why you should. Are you being false, fake a lie? Nope, you are being you in whatever guise you wish to be. As you identify male who likes to dress as a woman, the fun loving guy with a great sense of humour is not gone . . . just packaged differently. Going out is not a race or a rite of TG passage, it is a personal choice and when you are ready you will know it. The hardest part is crossing that threshold but once it is breeched, you will find it gets easier and easier.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Ally 2112]

For a lot of us it is just normal (whatever our normal is ) to worry about things like this .Just don't over think about it ,never works for me .I am pretty sure you will be ok :)

[Samantha2015]

Thanks again everyone who replied. I'm amazed by the response this post has received.
So much advice and so much to think over. I really appreciate it. You've all been a great
help.
:love:

[Maria 60]

WOW! My exact thinking. Just an ordinary guy with a crazy wild side, that's how my wife labeled me when I told her. I don't think there's anything wrong with that tittle, what do you think? In my wife's words " everyone has a skeleton hanging in there closet"

[S. Lisa Smith]

I am much like you. I am not a woman trapped in a man's body, just a goofy guy who likes to appear as a woman. For me, I love to go out and shop and do lunch as Lisa. I enjoy the company of women as a woman (or at least presenting as a woman). There are no hard and fast rules for what we do. If you want to go out, go out. If you don't, then don't. I can tell you , however, it is a rush and I love doing it. I might suggest going to a CD convention like Keystone. It would be a great first step and a number of the girls on here have attended. I know one who had never really been out before and she loved getting out in "public".

[Pat]

The thing about going out dressed is to me it seems like it's a lie.

Maybe you're thinking of going out the wrong way. There's a lot of emphasis in this forum on trying to "pass." But that's not the only way. I never try to pass, since it's useless anyway. What I try to do is look like a (really pretty) transgender guy who is having a good time. And that's easy because that's what I am -- no lies.

I know that when I was trying hard to be a cisgender male I found relief in putting on women's clothing because it felt like I had stopped telling a lie to the world around me and more importantly to myself. To try and "pass" would just be telling the lie a different way. Where I found peace was coming to terms with who I am and now I generally do "mixed presentation" though I certainly skew to the male side (but that's who I am.) Doing that has smoothed a lot of the peaks and valleys of needing to crossdress / rejecting my need to crossdress.

Now when I doll up, I'm still that same person, I just have a more fun presentation and when I go out I'm happy and I try to share that happiness with the room. I've always looked at life in terms of story and a good story has many characters -- I'm one of them and I help make the story rich and interesting. I deserve my spot in the story. ;)

[BillieAnneJean]

Samantha,
Going OUT enfemme is not for everyone. It is not a "goal" for every CDer. It has nothing to do with your relative "femness". It is not a badge of honor. It is not an obligation. It is just another way to have sum fun and adventure.

So just enjoy yourself, IN or OUT.

It is all good.

[jenniferinsf]

samantha

first you look great and if you go out dressed to blend in, i think you might enjoy the experience immensely

like tara said tho....you gotta be yourself and like sara said....you don't have to go out to have fun

that being said...going out i found to be wonderfully rewarding and it has given me a whole new level of enjoyment and confidence in myself en femme. i think 90% of the time i go out dressed and feel wonderful

at this point in time i am not sure i can define who real me is but i know that i try to be real in the moment...i do not think i have lost any of my intrinsic nature or values...