That Went Well

[Zooey]

I've been holding off on posting one of these things, because I didn't want to have to keep updating it over the course of the last week.

On November 6th, I legally became Melissa, sat for 2 hours in the social security office, and got a new debit card.
On November 10th, I sat for 3 hours at the DMV, and watched them ALMOST screw up my paperwork**.
On November 12th, I told my entire studio at work and all of the remaining people in my life (people I don't see for years at a time, like old friends from high school) about my transition.
On November 13th, I had a perfectly normal day at work. As myself, with no bullshit.

Well, mostly normal. I received some lovely gifts and my desk was covered in flower arrangements, but otherwise normal.

As I explained to some coworkers who came over last night for food and drinks, about half of which had only found out about this on Thursday, "normal" is the best possible thing that anybody can dream of in a transition like this.

I am incredibly fortunate to have such a wonderful group of people in my life.

** If you're in California and haven't done your identification changes yet, I highly recommend this document. The information in there saved my butt at the DMV.
http://transgenderlawcenter.org/issues/id/id-please

[becky77]

'You go girl' lol.

Good for you Melissa, I hope it continues to be positive for you.

[Zooey]

Good for you Melissa, I hope it continues to be positive for you.

Me too. I looked around and didn't see any particularly big and/or burstable bubbles, but I'm always on the lookout... :)

[Michelle 78]

Fantastic Melissa, so great that things are going so good for you.:)

[AllieSF]

A big congratulations Melissa. You seem to have taken several congratulatory moments and rolled them into one post denying us the opportunity to celebrate each step with you. I really like your normal day at work with a desk cluttered with paper and flowers. Now that is really cool. May you have more "normal" days like that.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Melissa....

welcome to the official you. That's absolutely fabulous!!!!! I'm with you on keeping an even keel approach to all this; just news and move on with little drama but equally nice to know that your friends and colleagues are solid with it.

I can say the days forward only get better and better with normalization.

Good for you. Yes the administration of all this is a complete pain in the little toe. I'm still waiting for birth certificate to come through so I can close on my coveted passport.

Be true to yourself and live your life forward to its fullest as you've escaped from male purgatory.

Cheers... Jennifer

[dreamer_2.0]

Great news, Zooey!

[Badtranny]

That's my girl!

You need to come over and celebrate with guitars and tequila.

[AllieSF]

Great idea Melissa, I loved that jam session. I actually kept my mouth shut almost the whole night!

[kathtx]

Great news!

[flatlander_48]

Excellent, Good For You!!

DeeAnn

[Brooklyn]

Felicitations, Melissa! Now you've really done it; it's a monumental step.

[Badtranny]

Great idea Melissa, I loved that jam session. I actually kept my mouth shut almost the whole night!

LOL

I had to buy 'drummers gloves' after that little session. If you remember I stopped and went back outside while Johanna, Amanda and Zooey kept playing for awhile. I had to stop because my half drunk drumming gave me a bleeding blister on my thumb that lasted nearly a week.

There will definitely be another session if I can ever herd those broads into one room again.

[Zooey]

We will definitely make this happen. :)

[Marcelle]

Hi Melissa,

Congrats . . . Three hours at the DMV and I thought 30 minutes at our Canadian version was a long wait. Seriously though, I hope legally realizing your identity brings positive rewards.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Eringirl]

Hey Zooey: yippee.....good for you. Celebration time for sure!!! come on.....just a little happy dance !!! :dance:

[Leah Lynn]

Congratulations, Melissa!

Leah

[Nigella]

Welcome to your new life [-]Zooey[/-] Melissa :hugs:

[PretzelGirl]

Wow! A lot of high points in a short time. Congratulations Melissa! That is a great cloud to be riding. Flowers! :love:

[Rachel Smith]

I am glad all is going well for you. Continued success

[Suzanne F]

Sister we are so close in timing. I am so happy for you and wish you the best. I appreciate what a smart young woman you are. I expect you will continue to be a very successful woman.
Suzanne

[Persephone]

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Hugs,
Persephone.

[karenpayneoregon]

Great to hear all went well with the changes!!!

[Kate T]

Well done Melissa and congratulations!

I've been through a fairly similar process over the last month. I was literally about to post something myself about how it had all went as there is no guide book on how to do this!

Perhaps you could elaborate on how you did things, did you tell your studio in person, as a group or just go up to people individually, maybe via email? What about everyone else, how did you tell them? What "worked" well and what didn't? Your experiences could be helpful for others who are planning to take that big step of finally going full time.

[Zooey]

Perhaps you could elaborate on how you did things, did you tell your studio in person, as a group or just go up to people individually, maybe via email? What about everyone else, how did you tell them? What "worked" well and what didn't? Your experiences could be helpful for others who are planning to take that big step of finally going full time.

Happy to oblige, although I'm not sure how helpful it will be. One note - this is what worked for me, not what will work for everybody. I am "abnormal" (my therapist's word, not mine) in terms of how comfortable I am with talking to people about very difficult things, and I have a similarly "abnormal" ability to avoid letting things phase me. Thick skin, etc.

Coming out at work for me was, honestly, pretty easy. I started working with HR a few months ago on preparing resources and a communication plan, but this was not for my benefit. It was for everybody else's benefit. If anybody had questions or concerns, I wanted their managers to be prepared to at least direct them towards resources. That hasn't been an issue, but I'm glad I did it.

On Monday the 9th, I had a meeting with the senior leadership in my studio to discuss my transition. We talked through a few common questions, but mostly it was just to make sure we were all on the same page and give them resources to share with other people managers.

On Thursday the 12th, I went to work as my former ("male") self, and my schedule looked like this:

11:00 AM - In person meeting with my immediate team (8 people). I felt that the people I work with every hour of every day deserved an in-person discussion.
11:30 AM - HR and IT start the database updates with my new name/gender
11:45 AM - I send an email (previously prepared by me) to the entire studio. It was to the point, but also a bit light hearted.
12:00 PM - I went home, and worked from home the rest of the day, for 2 reasons...



I couldn't use my computer while IT was updating everything
I wanted to avoid getting mobbed



2:30 PM - I made a Facebook post on my old profile, letting literally everybody know and directing people to my current profile.
2:31 PM - Midnight - I respond to waaaaay too many supportive emails and Facebook messages, and approve lots and lots of friend requests.

On Friday the 13th, I showed up to the office as myself. I specifically arranged things so that I did not leave for a weekend before I came into the office after telling everybody. In my experience, people will build things up unnecessarily in their heads when given time to do so, and I didn't want that to happen. Anyway, I showed up, got a new badge, sat down at my desk, and went to work. Aside from a few gift baskets and flowers, it was a normal day. It's been normal ever since. No real issues. I honestly can't think of anything that did not go well for me in this process. I'm extremely fortunate in that regard.

Now, it's not like everything is absolutely "perfect". People slip up with name and/or pronouns 2-3 times a day, but they almost always catch themselves and apologize. When they don't catch themselves, I let them know they did it. So long as they are trying and are making progress, I appreciate their effort and don't get mad. I believe this has helped keep things positive for people.

The biggest change has been how I feel. Prior to full-time, I was always at least a bit concerned about who I might run into and where. Not because I was particularly concerned about anybody knowing, but just the ambient concerns of somebody living two lives simultaneously, coupled with a desire to control my own message. The instant I went full-time, all of that went away, and it has been a profound sense of relief thus far.

[Kate T]

Awesome Melissa!

Forgive me if I sound like some sort of interviewer and you are certainly right, "results may vary" but what I am hoping I guess is that people who are unsure how to take that full time step can read your story and others and gather ideas to help them on their journey.

So it sounds like you had a core group of people close to you who were supportive both at a personal level but also at a work level, who perhaps had some prior knowledge of your transition so they were ready to support and back you up so to speak and perhaps also provide an example / leadership model of acceptance? You also sound like you have a very firm handle on your own identity, emotional state and needs. Was this always the case or did you have to develop this self acceptance and maturity with the help of professional counselling?

BTW understand COMPLETELY about the sense of relief once it is all out there. Funny thing is it wasn't just me who felt this, but also my wife and kids as well as our staff at work.

[Zooey]

So it sounds like you had a core group of people close to you who were supportive both at a personal level but also at a work level, who perhaps had some prior knowledge of your transition so they were ready to support and back you up so to speak and perhaps also provide an example / leadership model of acceptance?

I don't know that I'd describe it that way. I DID have a group of friends who had known about me for a long time that I also work with, but none of those people were in that leadership meeting. I'm not particularly close to those people; that meeting was purely informational for them. It just so happens to be the case that our leadership team (and the vast majority - perhaps all - of the people in my studio) are very open-minded and willing to be supportive. Again, I'm exceedingly fortunate in that way.


You also sound like you have a very firm handle on your own identity, emotional state and needs. Was this always the case or did you have to develop this self acceptance and maturity with the help of professional counselling?

Thank you. I'd say it was always the case, or at least that i've always had an aptitude for that, and spent the last year full-time-except-for-work learning more and more about myself. Counseling certainly helped quite a lot, but mostly as a sounding board while I worked through issues. I tend to try to deal with things head on, and so I've done a lot of personal work tackling my insecurities. For example... When I noticed I was getting excessively self-conscious about my shoulders, I forced myself to wear tank tops out all weekend. This is not to say that I don't have insecurities; I have a list a mile long. I work hard not to let them dictate my behavior though. I think that constantly working on things like this also gives one a pretty good sense of how different situations and challenges can affect their emotional stress level. By the time I went full-time, I was very comfortable with my identity and the business of living my life. Work was the last remaining vestige of the old me, and once the legal changes went through I couldn't shed it fast enough.

Put another way... I went full-time at the point when doing it legitimately felt like it was going to simplify/improve my life in more ways than it was going to complicate/damage it. I believe I picked the right moment for me, but only time will tell.

[Krististeph]

Slam dunk, sister! Good for you! :Party2:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Put another way... I went full-time at the point when doing it legitimately felt like it was going to simplify/improve my life in more ways than it was going to complicate/damage it. I believe I picked the right moment for me, but only time will tell.

Transition is about quality of life..that's it.

I'm super happy that you did such a good job improving your quality of life and you were blessed to get the rewards.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Spot on Melissa. Well done.

[Nadya]

Congratulations! That's wonderful news!

[Eryn]

Congratulations!
I look forward to (and also dread) following your path.
Thanks for sharing your experience and the link to the "bible"!