Girls Night Out: dinner and a movie with my wife

[Jenniferathome]

OK, this is basically another boring report from going out dressed and interacting with the normals. Nothing happened.

Two people went to dinner and a movie (Bridge of Spies, really good by the way), one of whom happened be a man in a dress. My wife chose to wear slacks and a top. I didn't get one double take. Not one. I asked my wife at the end of the evening if she noticed anything, she did not. Now, I do not pass. Not a chance of that. When I checked in with the host for our dinner reservation, it was for and as Jennifer. No reaction. Drinks and dinner order, no reaction. At the movies, I was sitting right next to a normal. No reaction. I was just a person doing things that people do. I make eye contact, I hold my head high, I smile at others.

Now, the only interesting thing that stuck me all night was that I was far more concerned about causing any discomfort or embarrassment to my wife than when I am out with others. We talked about this over dinner and her answer was that my cross dressing is not a reflection on her. She's a person out with another person. She told me that I am not "obvious" when out and don't naturally cause additional scrutiny. Her opinion was that the normals who look, likely do not see me as a cross dresser but as a transexual or a possibly a bodybuilder-type "manish" woman. The point is that the normals do not really have "cross dresser" in their minds. It's easier to make the jump to "trans." I think I agree.

So, what is the moral to this story? The same story we see written here time and again: no one cares. Really. If you want to go out, go.

[Sophie Yang]

I didn't get one double take. Not one. I asked my wife at the end of the evening if she noticed anything, she did not. Now, I do not pass. Not a chance of that.

Under close scrutiny most of us will not likely pass, but just going out and about, it sounds like you passed last night. People get read most easily when they are out and about dressed outlandishly or appear nervous and draw attention to themselves. If one isn't drawing attention to themselves, most people are to preoccupied to pay much attention to one of us passing by.

[Kandi Robbins]

Thanks for preaching the gospel of getting out there. I also found it hard to believe how relatively easy it is once you do it, but now I get out 2 and 3 times a week and don't even give it a thought anymore. Best thing I've ever done, really makes me happy!

[Stephanie47]

Probably more educated people will see a masculine looking woman as a transsexual rather than a cross dresser IF her movements and decorum appears feminine. Maybe this is a Caitlyn Jenner effect. Many years ago I saw a very masculine appearing woman having a business luncheon with an associate (?) and nobody really cared. Your wife is very open minded to say your cross dressing is not a reflection upon herself. There are many many women who feel societal negativity, and, think society thinks less of her because she stays with a cross dresser. I guess if your wife and you ran into someone she knew she could also just indicate you are one of her transgender friends and leave it at that. After all, my best friend is my wife. In my situation it would work better if I was not ten inches plus taller than my wife.

[Karen RHT]

I hear you, believe you, and couldn't agree more Jennifer. Now if only my wife was willing to share your wife's outlook, life would just be that much more enjoyable.


Karen

[Allisa]

You speak the truth, nothing ventured ,nothing gained.

[DanaR]

Thanks for pointing this out Jennifer. I think if you do a good job putting yourself together and don't look out of place, most people don't notice or care. I used to go to a few TG conventions, where most of the GG didn't pass around the area, because most thought everyone was TG.

[Chriscrossed]

We talked about this over dinner and her answer was that my cross dressing is not a reflection on her. She's a person out with another person.

Brilliant, your wife is both clever and sweet. I love how your wife bounced the ball right back to you. If she was in any way self conscious herself and still managed to come up with this comment that must have put you at ease is VERY clever (give her props from me). The more comfortable you are the easier it will be for both of you and I guess that same is true the other way around. It's all about the attitude you carry that keeps the whole situation normal. It really does not matter if you pass or not, I suppose that if you are comfortable then everyone else with and around you will be comfortable and well behaved. ... And you looked great.

Chris Crossed.

[StacyCD]

My SO started out with don't ask don't tell but I'm now able to dress at home whenever I want to. So who knows someday she may be able to be seen in public with Stacy. Slow, but steady, progress is the goal.

[Krisi]

Provided you go to the right places and don't dress like a hooker, most folks will either not notice you or be too polite to stare or make comments. The real issue for those of us who wish to keep our "hobby" a secret is just walking out of the house and back in afterwards. Seeing your wife walking out of the house or back into the house with a strange woman of your size and build is going to out you. More so if you get into the driver's seat.

That said, I'm glad you enjoyed your time out in the real world and I wish I could convince my wife to do the same with Krisi.

BTW: You often say that you wouldn't pass, but in your photos, you look like a woman to me.

[tracigirl_tv]

.....

BTW: You often say that you wouldn't pass, but in your photos, you look like a woman to me.

Krisi, on this point I couldn't agree with you more. Jennifer, you look wonderful. Thanks for sharing this with us.

xxoo

Traci

[Beverley Sims]

Jennifer,
I think we are all too self conscious.

Yes hold your head up high and walk out with confidence but some do try too hard to say, "out and proud", that only draws attention to them.

Because of your shoulders and arms you look like a female Olympic swimmer to me and I think that is how others may see you.

[Teresa]

Jennifer,
I had this conversation with the seamstress who has altered some clothes for me, after showing her my pictures she was annoyed that I beat myself up over it, she told me to just go out and do it as the passable woman I looked like!

[PaulaQ]

Actually, I think you probably DO pass, Jennifer, at least judging from your photos. I never thought I'd pass either, yet I do.

"Trans" isn't on most people's radar, and most people don't pay that much attention. They likely see you as a big woman, at least until they hear your voice. (Although you may have learned how to feminize your voice.

[Jenniferathome]

... I suppose that if you are comfortable then everyone else with and around you will be comfortable...

THIS is really the take away. It's not about passing. My reason for the post in the first place is that there seems to be a bar set that none of us can get over: "passing." When I write that I don't pass, while I appreciate the kind remarks to the contrary, I am not beating myself up. I'm just pragmatic. I wish I could pass as a woman, but that's not reality. Set the bar lower: be comfortable. We all know that animals can smell fear. Well, the normals can "smell" something too. Comfort, counteracts that.

[Gwinnie]

I had a similar experience when I was out with my wife for dinner and a movie a few weeks ago. I got a few looks. And I overheard the hostess ask one of the other waitresses when halloween was while glancing at me. Whatever. Most of the time I was more worried about my wife than people looking at me.

Gwendolyn

[Dana44]

Jennifer, you look great and I think you passed. I have been out and in the first few time out I think i did not pass. But may have as nobody seemed to read me. It like nobody cares unless they look close. Today I pass for blending in and the assets of my hair and legs is what they most look at.

[Jenniferathome]

..."Trans" isn't on most people's radar, and most people don't pay that much attention. ...

Hi Paula, been a while. Actually, I think because of Caitlyn Jenner, "trans" is something the average normal knows or at least has a flavor of it. I think her history has been huge for trans people. On your second point, yes, people do not pay attention.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Jenn,
I agree with what you've been sayin'!
Just be yourself (unless your a cranky old S.O.B!)
The "need" to pass is a goal to strive for, but reality is when we need to interact
with people they quickly sense that something is wrong in muggleville!
A happy, polite, gracious, straight forward persona will kinda put most people at ease.
(Having your wonderful wife at your side might help a bit too!)
Much Love,
Kristyn

[cdsara]

Jenn, I think you look great and happy. I am glad you had fun and have such a great understanding wife.

[Eryn]

Jennifer, that sounds like a wonderful evening! We have also seen Bridge of Spies and found it to be an excellent movie!

Mimi and I go out quite often and we've gotten to the point where we focus more on what we are doing and who we are with than the fact that I am dressed.

Do I pass? I have no idea. I'm pretty sure that most people who merely see me don't pay much attention. I'm not a spring chicken so I am automatically off of most folk's radar.

Now, when I interact with people (and I like to do that!) I have learned that I am _very_ memorable. Nobody has ever said that they think I am TG, but at the same time people sometimes remember me from 2-minute encounters months before. Something is getting their attention and it isn't my beauty.

As long as people are civil I don't really mind. It's kind of fun to be the center of attention and my female persona gets a lot more attention than my male persona ever did.

I think that we now may have kind of a "Caitlyn Aura," where people are somewhat thrilled to meet a TG person. I had an encounter with a young woman (who had been somewhat overserved) who was lavish in her praise for my appearance and so happy for me to be out enjoying myself. She never said that she saw that I was TG, but I doubt that she would have said those things to someone she perceived as a ciswoman!

[PaulaQ]

Actually, I think because of Caitlyn Jenner, "trans" is something the average normal knows or at least has a flavor of it. I think her history has been huge for trans people.

Hi back, Jennifer! I agree Caitlyn has been a game-changer for the community. She's definitely made millions more people aware of us.

In any case, judging from your photos, your presentation is very, very good - you make a nice looking woman. (I know you don't identify that way - just saying you're pretty.) Whether that, or your size + "the Caitlyn effect" wins out in "pass / no pass" with the cis folks, we'll never really know I guess.

It'd be nice for the concept of passing to just go away, wouldn't it?

[CrossKimmy]

you pass for me hon

[Claire Cook]

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks so much for sharing this. What you say about the comfort zone, and being out with your wife really struck home for me. When Sue and I are out shopping and we are greeted with a "Good morning Ladies" it just feels so natural. When she is shopping for clothes, she'd rather have Claire with her -- I'm much more patient, I talk more and yes she values my take on what she is trying on (and vice versa!). Same goes for buying stuff for the house. "Passing" really is a state of mind, I think. When you are comfortable (and smile a lot!) others around you are as well. It's like they stop worrying about that 5 o'clock shadow and the funny voice and whethere or not that really is a guy -- and just accept you as you.

[Krisi]

I think for some of us, the goal is to be taken for a woman (pass), not to force society to deal with an odd person (obvious man in a dress). I know that is my goal.

It's difficult for us to know if we have met this goal unless we get cat calls and stares indicating that we have not. Of course it is much more difficult if we interact with people and stay in one place (such as a dinner table) where others can examine us. And of course, some of us try harder than others, practicing the walk and mannerisms and perfecting their female voices. Some will never pass because of our size or height. That's a shame but it's reality. Life is not fair.

[Judith96a]

Krisi, on this point I couldn't agree with you more. Jennifer, you look wonderful. Thanks for sharing this with us.

xxoo

Traci

Jennifer,
While I do understand what you mean about not passing, I also have to agree with Traci and Krisi. Obviously, a photo cannot convey anything about voice, mannerisms etc (the things that really do give us away) but, when I see your photos I see a woman (who is more feminine in appearance that some of the women that I encounter every day).
It's beginning to sink in that, if you dress appropriately and carry yourself with reasonable confidence then the normals either don't notice or don't care.
Oh, top marks to your wife! She's a good-un!

[Tina_gm]

While I agree, for a majority of today's society (here in the U..S.) most places you go, people may notice, probably will notice if their head is not in their phone, but not really care. May not care enough as to where you are as far as TG goes. There are some places, mostly rural that are probably not a good idea, and especially at night. (a really bad idea)

The problem is, for those of us who are not out to friends, family, co-workers, to go out, we have to go somewhere not recognized. It's not the general public whom we really need to be concerned with much these days, so long as we use some good discretion. But of areas in which we have life long friends and family and we are not out to them.

[Ally 2112]

No matter if you think you pass or not I see a classy woman dressed to blend in .I also think the comment made by your wife was great good for her ! :)

[Eryn]

I think for some of us, the goal is to be taken for a woman (pass), not to force society to deal with an odd person (obvious man in a dress). I know that is my goal.

Mine too, but I'm not so obsessed with it that I let it concern me. I'm 6'2" and there is no hiding that, but after a lot of experience I have developed a fair aura of confidence and that seems to carry me through. It's very empowering to be able let presentation fall into the background and concentrate on just having fun

[skirt_guy]

Great look, no reason why you should not continue with it!

[Jenniferathome]

...I have developed a fair aura of confidence and that seems to carry me through. It's very empowering to be able let presentation fall into the background and concentrate on just having fun

YES! Confident. Comfortable. Whatever you want to call it, when you stop caring about the world's view of you, everything just flows. If I were a betting man, I would bet this is why a transexual, manish looking or not, "passes" more easily than a cross dresser. A trans person is living their real life. I suspect most cross dressers are more like spies, worrying about being someone they are not and not wanting to slip up. Just BE and everything changes. OK, I know, sounds easier written than done but it really is that easy. It's kind of zen, actually.

And Ally, that was the least blend dress I have ever worn, I think and I never felt out of place. I was certainly not the only one in a dress! But while the dress kind of stood out a bit, I did not. Interesting.

[Ally 2112]

Happy to hear that Jennifer after looking at the picture of the dress again i get what your saying although i still like it :)