Maybe wrong forum? Out, but closeted.

[TracyDeluxe]

Maybe some of you can help me, or maybe I just need to share this.

I have been living and working in the female role since 1993, but except for the first few years, when I was still in therapy and learning the ropes, I never wear dresses out anymore. And I, like most of you here, love wearing dresses! Of course, for work it's not really an option (I drive a semi), and there I just wear jeans and tops, but always with makeup, jewelry, and a feminine wig. But when I am off, and could dress anyway I want, I wear the same type of clothing. :(

I know why, of course, it's that I am afraid to draw any more attention to myself than is absolutely necessary, and a pretty dress just says, "Look at me!". I can count on one hand the times, in the last 10 years or so, that I have worn a dress outside. And yet, in those times, the worst thing that has ever happened to me is someone said, "My that's a pretty dress!" And yet I still have this fear?

I did get read fairly often when I first started transitioning, and then I wore dresses or skirts almost all the time; it's kind of like I am now saying to the world, "OK, I HAVE to dress in woman's clothing, but I'll try not to be in your face about it." But that can't be it, either, because when wearing jeans, I often wear really girly tops, often ones that show more cleavage than probably absolutely necessary, and if that's not "in your face", I don't know what is! :eek:

What's wrong with me? :(

[JoAnnDallas]

Absolutely Nothing......

Your just being a female.

[Penny]

Actulally, it becomes easier, the older you get, to go out in public in a dress. However, only conservatively. Mini skirts or ultra short dresses usually don't look good on older women let alone Cd's. But with that said, you don't have to wear a dress at all. It's how you feel that really matters! So just truck on and see where the road takes you!

[Marie CD]

Nothing is wrong with you. it's all about what you feel comfortable in. If jeens and Tshirt is what makes you feel good then thats all that counts. When i buy clothes i buy what i like and what makes me feel good. just remember don't ever stop just being you

be well
marie

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Tracy,

I can relate to this: not wanting to draw attention to yourself while at the same time wanting people to acknowledge you for who you are. I am, as a rule, a shy person. And yet, I dress in a way which attracts attention to myself.

I find that, for me, it's about several different things:


One is about being honest with myself. I dress as I do because it resonates with how I perceive myself. It helps to make me feel right.

Related to the above is that presenting as I do say to the world "This is who I am!" Now and then, I'll overhear someone saying to their friend "Is that a guy or a girl?" And while the correct answer for me is 'Neither', the uncertainty of my presentation pretty accurately represents how I see myself - as being something apart from the constructs of 'man' and 'woman'.

Another part of this 'statement' is to show people that there is more than just 'men' and 'women'. Some get it - some don't - most don't even pay attention. But if enough people were really honest with themselves and were willing to be seen as they really are, I might not be such an oddity.


Maybe you see some of yourself in the above - maybe not. Another take on this, possible closer to your situation, is that it is all a bit of overcompensation on your part. We all go through it. In finding the right balance, we swing like a pendulum: Way over to one end, then back down through and over the other way. Neitzsche has an excellent observation on this:


One seldom commits only one rash act. In the first rash act
one always does too much. For just that reason one usually
commits a second - and then one does too little...

Back and forth we swing until we find our balance. The reason for doing too little is usually fear - probably unfounded - but fear nonetheless. In your case, I'll guess that it's the fear of being read as a 'guy in a dress'. And if you 'indulge' in wearing a dress while not working, it might make your desire to wear one while working only stronger. Not too unlike what many of us go through.

It is possible that you have some internalized 'transphobia' to work through - you're not quite as accepting of yourself as you'd like to think - and that's OK. We have a lifetime of socialization telling us what and how we ought to be and that's not an easy thing to overcome. No matter how 'right' it may all feel, the (perceived) weight of what everyone else thinks we should be can still drag us down and make us act in ways contrary to what we know is right for us.

As accepting as I am of myself, I have times where I look in the mirror and say "What the hell am I doing? Who am I fooling?" I don't see myself, but some characture of a 'man'. I suppose that I'll battle this one for a long time. The drive to conform is strong - but the drive to survive is stronger.

Ultimately Tracy - there's nothing wrong with you. Like everyone else - trans or not - you're looking for your place in the world. You seeing what works - and what doesn't - for you. Most people do this as they are growing up - we just grow up a little bit later. :)

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Christy]

Nothing " Wrong " with you !!! who have you hurt ? what laws are you breaking ? if being the women of your dreams/needs is wrong, then you are not alone !!! I for one refuse to accept that label or accusation BS :angry: !! none of us would ask for this need or desire to dress as a female but we have the need anyways and that desire is cruel many times, many of our sisters have divorces, alcoholism, and take there own lives, WHY because we are told we are bad, sick, or just Wrong ! that attitude to this CD is just crap:angry: you go and enjoy your dreams, don't break any laws, be kind and take care of yourself !!! :clap: because there is nothing " wrong " with you its the name callers and bigots that have alot to learn whats right and wrong !!!! You will be judged someday for your actions but don't worry about the labels on earth. I love this little saying: Never look down on anyone, unless you are trying to help them up !

Hugs

Christy

[Sam-antha]

Yup, it does become easier, but it is so sad that the minis are out when one is out. In public streets at least. Now, I am not a dress fan, preferring the changes allowed by skirts, pullis and other tops. I have never owned a dress, but it is about time I got something little and black, lacy top, sleeves etc.
Now then Penny what is this quote about ?

" you don't have to wear a dress at all. It's how you feel that really matters! So just truck on and see where the road takes you!

[TracyDeluxe]

Some may have missed the point of my post, but good comments anyway.

POINT is, I WANT to wear dresses out, but am afraid, I guess. I know that is stupid, but I pass wearing jeans and tops (maybe because 99% of all real women dress similarilly?), but wearing a dress and heels, I would stand out like a sore thumb. Heck, any time I see a woman wearing a dress, my eyes are instantly drawn to her, and while that may be partially due to the fact that I am interested in dresses, it is also because it is so unusual these days to see a woman in a dress, unless it is in an office setting, and even then it is rare!

Maybe that's the reason, it is unusual, and I don't want to be any more unusual than I already am! (But I still want to wear dresses out!)

I'm nuts, that's all there is to it, just plain nuts!

[kathy gg]

Hi tracy,

I hope you don't mind one gg opinin thrown in for good measure ;)

You are correct in that women wearing dresses/skirts ect do tend to get more eyes focused on them. It also depends what time of day, how fancy, and how "sexy" the item is. When things are too tight, too short, or too loud that is what gets attention.

If you find yourself in a urban {city} area dressing in a dress or skirt/top combo in the evening is not that unusual, think dinner or going to a movie or even to watch a live band play . If you are really hell bent through on wearing one in the daytime, I would say modesty be your guide.

If you decide to wear a mini-skirt to Wal-Mart, well that is gonna get attention. From men and women.

But if you wear a age appropriate dress that is not overtly sexual and it is seasonal and not too flashy chances are you will be fine.

I personally like to wear sun dresses and knee length skirts in the spring and summer and I am not alone. But right now where I live any woman wearing those things {unless the are ankle length or lined or wool} will look totally out of place. And that will cause attention.

I do hope you can find some comfort with dressing the way you want without feeling subconcoius. I have actually had two really good gg best friends who are just amazingly beautiful and both of them hate wearing dresses and skirts. One says her legs look like a chicken and she thinks people are looking at her like she is a freak. The other occasionally will break out in red rash and worries about that happening in a public setting. The few times I have seen either of them in a dress it was down to their ankles. Every woman has worries about how others will percieve them, and I can appreaciate your special concerns, for what it is worth though, you are not alone in worrying about to omuch attention of the wrong kind.

good luck

[TracyDeluxe]

Thank you, Kathy, it's nice to get an opinion from the "baseline", so to speak. :thumbsup:

Not growing up in the role, and not practicing or whatever with girlfriends in high school, anything real women can add is tremendously appreciated, at least by me.

Thanks again, it means a lot to read your comments.