Why worry if your net gets wider ?

[Teresa]

I can't believe in the short time I've been on the forum that I'd be writing something like this.

A incident happened the other day when I was in a local charity shop, I had a blouse tucked under my arm and a pair of heels in my hand when a voice I recognised behind me said hello ***** how are you ? I turned round to see a near neighbour of my son standing there, I didn't realise he was a voluntary SA in the shop.
So several ways out of this one :-
1) Drop everything and run red faced from the shop, (Not a pretty sight for sixty year old !)
2) Tell him to sod off and mind his own business ! ( I'd known him for years in fact I photographed his second marriage, so not a good option. )
2) Bluff my way out by saying I was checking things out for my wife .
4) Tell him the truth !

So I looked him square in the face and told him if he was wondering why I was looking through the ladies racks I was trying to find clothes for me, I paused and added I was born this way and it's the way I deal with it. He thought for a moment and just said that's fine, then he paused and smiled and said I play golf you know ! I smiled back at him and replied, there you go no one's perfect ! He stood back a couple of paces and gesture to the racks and said please feel free to look at anything. He may say something in passing to his wife but being up front takes all the innuendo out of the situation.

Basically people don't care, my wife works for the NHS in the Out of hours unit and most of the staff and doctors are on medication to deal with work related stress or domestic problems . In other words they all have their own problems, knowing about a CDER isn't important to most people, most of our fears are unfounded thoughts in our heads. As my previous counsellor kept saying stop living on assumptions !

I was so worried about shopping in charity shops , within a short while I've gone from furtively looking to jostling with GGs who eyed the same item, being the gentleman I always say it will look better on you ! I had one who actually held a skirt against herself then against me and admitted my hips would fit better !

I could go on with examples but the CDers fear of being found out , of losing a job , or the support of work mates etc. is not going to happen .

The more open I become the less logic I can see in our partners fearing the consequences , what is the worse that can happen ? People really aren't that interested, they have enough in their own lives to deal with, they may have uninformed views of a CDer, in that case just be open and honest.

[pamela7]

absolutely Teresa, fears falsely founded, floundering fluffily in flouncing fetish fulfilment xxx

[josrphine]

Hi Teresa, Ah Yes shoping, My Wife an I were shoping in the local Stin Mart. I was in drab, we had just gone into the blouse section. I had pick out a very nice one, an just then this women walks up to us an said to my wife " I would like to rent him jestering to me " We both looked at her , she then pointed to her husband sitting in front of the store looking at his watch. Every time I go shoping he sits there an fumes, still looking at her in disbelief she continue. I have watched you an your husband go thur almost all the different dept. He helps you, an both of u pick an chose different items of clothing. Why do you sometimes pick two of the same items??? I said to her that I was a cross dresser an we like to go out as twins. She paused for a scond or two an ask my wife were could she get a man like me. Well we talked a while an she left with a smile on her face. We saw her grab her husband an said lets go. He had that look on his face of What Did I Do Now. We finished shoping an left talking about how lucky our life was. GO Figur Jo

[Teresa]

Jorsrphine,
I was going to make the point that if my wife stood back from the situation she would see she's not that badly off with a CDing husband !
I will add something that happened this morning , she had to be at work for 8.00 am and the car was iced up, so I slipped out and and ran it for a few minutes. I took her tea back to bed and told her how cold it was and I'd warmed the car up for her , so she asked in your nightie ? I replied yes ! Then she replied that I'd get frostbite in places I wouldn't like !

[josrphine]

Ouch, I have done the same thing, only here in Florida I worry about if some snake has not had his or her evening meal. I all so love to dress early in the morning as this is the best time for me to try the new cloths I have bough. My wife goes to early morning meeting 8:00 or 8:30. being she 73 she ask me too drive her . I am 74. No problem I have the time an love going out as Josephine I find that it is normal for me , Joe

[Allison_CD]

Here in the frozen north the Red Cross Charity Shop everything yes is only £1.
The lady knows me and when I go in says "I have stuff here which will suit you" xx

[Katey888]

Good experience Teresa and well done you!

I imagine you are well on the way to the accolade of 'Village TV' or whatever honorific provincial villages would use... ;)

Just one thing to clarify:

I could go on with examples but the CDers fear of being found out , of losing a job , or the support of work mates etc. is not going to happen .


Presumably you mean this applying to you, because you no longer are bothered about being found out, and you no longer have a job or workmates, so these things can't possibly happen to you...? :)

Clearly, they can (and have) happened to others on this very forum... but retirement brings many freedoms... :thinking:

Katey x

[Teresa]

Allison,
I have a lovely lady in the RSPCA shop who keeps finding things for me, I asked if she had strapless bras, within two days she'd found me some in my size along with some heels suitable for a long evening gown .

Katey,
Yes I'm sure there are examples of work related problems or a certain amount of bullying , I stand corrected on that point because of course I was self employed for thirty years so never experienced the problem. Most still aren't that bothered.
I do recall from a previous job maintaining a radar system one of our supervisers was bisexual and sometimes would disappear for a few days to become schoolgirls with a friend ! The odd comment was made and one sneaky person would try and piece together some very private discarded letters and attempt to read them to us ! He was treated as sick rather than the other guy !

[Marcelle]

Hi Teresa,

It sounds like you have reached a comfortable place in your life and have come to the decision to be who you need to be. You are right, once you let go and more people know it does become a breath of fresh air . . . however here is the but . . . it comes with a price. The more people that know, the easier it is to loose positive control of that information and sometimes your net can grow wider than you like. If you are in a good place emotionally (like you seem to be) then you are correct "why worry?". However, if others are not, then I always caution that unless you are ready to be out to everyone in your circle of friends, family, colleagues . . . exercise caution because sometimes discovery can grow exponentially.

Anyway, glad to read things are going much better for you these days :)

Cheers

Marcelle

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Teresa, your increase in confidence over the year+ I've been reading your posts is impressive. You've been through the mill emotionally, but it all seems to have paid off.

Keep going!

[Teresa]

Marcelle,
Thanks for your comments I take on board what you say about it rebounding on others, as you've no doubt found even in your circumstances the unexpected does happen .

I do feel in a more comfortable place, since the possibility of my separation I was beginning to prepare myself for moving away and living a fuller dressed lifestyle. Thinking through how I would integrate it and interact with others. The conclusion is be upfront and truthful, people feed on intrigue and innuendo , being secretive attracts curiosity and misunderstanding . I guess it's the point of my thread, much of the fear is in our heads !
I know most of what I need to know about CDing and being TG and I'm not ashamed of it or what I need to do to live with and fulfill the needs , it's perfectly harmless !

[stacifox13]

Teresa I admirer your courage but you sense of humor about the golfing made me laugh talk about pressure I don't know you personally but I would want you on my team if the S hit fan your unflappable.

[Demi88]

5) Talk about weather and how's the wife and kids; as if clutching the golf clubs on sale.

[Teresa]

Staci,
I'm not a big guy but I don't have a little man syndrome! As I've said many times I was photographer for thirty years and you have to know when to stand your ground and when to be compliant and hopefully in an amiable way as possible. Behind the scenes a wedding can be like a battlefield when you take on vicars, chauffeurs, caterers and the rest and still come out smiling !
Whatever team you're forming count me in, I'm game for anything !

[Rogina B]

I believe that in "outing yourself" for anything harmless often brings on a good shift in life. "Friends that really weren't" drop away and you start to collect some new ones. Granted some people worry of employment issues,but that is a whole different subject. Over the last 11 yrs of socially transitioning,I have not made any new friends as Roger.Rogina's friends are genuine and "get it".

[Gabby6790]

I am certainly glad this is working out for you but I don't know that it is right for everybody. I wish it were.

Personally, I live in a small town, have a small circle of friends, work in a male dominated industry, and am active in local politics. I can guarantee that coming out to whomever whenever I want would have negative side effects for me and more importantly for my family. I wish it wouldn't but I really think that is true.

Like, I said, I am REALLY happy that you are in a place where this okay for you. I just don't think society is ready for this everywhere.

[Stephanie47]

Teresa, you have come along way from where you were not too long ago. I will agree with Gabby. Each person needs to self assess their unique situation. A reveal may not work for everyone. I think it is very evident from posts made by others on this forum over the years.

[Beverley Sims]

Teresa,
We are all agreeing with you but it is the inbreeding in us that comes out more often than not.

Fear of the unknown is the key, and we have to overcome it.

[Tracii G]

Well done.

[Allisa]

It seems that you and I seem to be in situations where the truth is always the best bet. We have a presence of being true to ourselves and as I've always said "if you own up to your CDing than no one can use it against you", the shame (that's not there) no longer motivates the fears that you listed. I can't relate to a SO as I've never been in that situation. All I know is that I'm so much more? happier since accepting myself for who I am and my mode of expression. It took us a long time to get to this point, I'm sure ,as I do ,you wish you would have gotten here sooner. Keep these life stories coming so others can learn and grow. We (the community) need positive examples of being out and about in the real, real world.

[Emeraude]

I agree with Marcelle's point:

"The more people that know, the easier it is to loose positive control of that information and sometimes your net can grow wider than you like. If you are in a good place emotionally (like you seem to be) then you are correct "why worry?". However, if others are not, then I always caution that unless you are ready to be out to everyone in your circle of friends, family, colleagues . . . exercise caution because sometimes discovery can grow exponentially."

For me, most of my family and closest friends know about my CD'ing (how that happened, I've talked about in my posts last year), so I've lost the fear of being found out. Being self-employed helps, since I don't have a boss and co-workers to worry about. However, my wife, while willing to live with it, still hates my crossdressing, and she lives in fear of my being ridiculed, or even attacked, in public. In deference to her feelings, as Marcelle pointed out, I exercise caution. There are still a lot of prejudiced and hateful people out there, and we can't let the "pink fog" make us forget that. Make no mistake, I'm not advocating living in fear, or hiding your true self. I think the way you handled it, Teresa, was terrific.

[flatlander_48]

T:

I think you have found, as I have, that the older you get, the less you care. That's a good thing because you have less and less investment in maintaining a facade that just isn't helpful. Personally, I'd much rather save my energies for something much more useful.

Also, I like simplicity. There is a quote that I find useful in this kind of situation. It is something that Rachel Maddow (a liberal US political personality and a lesbian) said several years ago:

"No one can insult you by telling you what you just told them."

Words to live by...

DeeAnn

[Brandy Mathews]

Sorry,
I don't agree with what you said about when someone finds out that a person is a crossdresser. People these days, especially with all these things like Facebook and Twitter, are hateful and just love to stick their nose in everyone elses business. I was outted years ago and see it pretty much every day with people. Talking under their breath, saying things to me that they say are jokes and I just have to tell them that it is not funny at all. I am not perfect in any way and will be the first one to tell you that, but these people act like they are perfect, and cannot understand anything. It is pretty pathetic how childish they are. But I do truly believe in Karma, what comes around goes around.
Hugs,
Bree :)

[Eryn]

One question: Do you owe anyone an explanation for what you do? Perhaps loved ones, but your son's neighbor?

[flatlander_48]

Sorry,
I don't agree with what you said about when someone finds out that a person is a crossdresser. People these days, especially with all these things like Facebook and Twitter, are hateful and just love to stick their nose in everyone elses business. I was outted years ago and see it pretty much every day with people. Talking under their breath, saying things to me that they say are jokes and I just have to tell them that it is not funny at all. I am not perfect in any way and will be the first one to tell you that, but these people act like they are perfect, and cannot understand anything. It is pretty pathetic how childish they are. But I do truly believe in Karma, what comes around goes around.
Hugs,
Bree :)

B:

Not sure who your comment was addressed to, but I think the circumstances are significant. If you tell someone consciously, you have defined, to them, how you feel about what you do. If you are outted by other means, there is the question of why this activity is a secret. Do you feel guilt and shame? It leaves a very different impression.

I another thread here, I described how I consciously outted myself to 200+ people last month. About 130 of those people actually saw me dressed. The rest saw a photo. I can't speak to a specific WHY, but it just seemed like the thing to do and an ideal situation in which to do it.

DeeAnn

[heatherdress]

One question: Do you owe anyone an explanation for what you do? Perhaps loved ones, but your son's neighbor?

I totally agree with Eryn's important point. You do not owe any SA an explanation why you are purchasing anything, or looking at anything. It almost seems like a guilty response that you were caught doing something that you should not have been doing and you therefore need to explain. I am not saying that you did anything wrong, but I believe there is so much more freedom in simply feeling and acting like you are doing something that is OK to do and that you don't have to explain or make up a cover story.

[Teresa]

Heatherdress and Eryn,
If you are referring to my initial thread , the SA was a voluntary worker , if I didn't know him I wouldn't have offered an explanation but the circumstances were different so I diffused the situation from the start. I don't feel it's a guilty act to shop anymore but without me facing him like I did perhaps he would have made more of it behind my back.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I was in drab shopping for Steffi once, and this woman was trying to find a necklace to a dress she was buying. The one she picked out was awful. So I got up my gumption and brought a couple over to her that I thought looked much better. And they were on sale. She thanked me profusely, and bought one for one dress and the other for another dress. I already owned the necklaces I showed her but in a different color.

[Eryn]

...People these days, especially with all these things like Facebook and Twitter, are hateful...

Perhaps true, but what would this person do? Post: "Hey, I saw my neighbor's father holding a pair of heels at the thrift store where I work!"? A man being seen holding items of women's clothing is not really all that juicy of a story!

[sometimes_miss]

I was going to make the point that if my wife stood back from the situation she would see she's not that badly off with a CDing husband!
We certainly understand that. Few women do, however. Sadly, most women would rather stick with a drunk, a drug addict, even a guy who beats her is more likely to have his wife stick with him. There really aren't a whole lot of women who see crossdressing as something acceptable in a husband; they're not comparing the potential downsides, they're responding with their feelings, their emotions, and both of those usually aren't positive when confronted with the idea of their mate as a girly guy.


The more open I become the less logic I can see in our partners fearing the consequences , what is the worse that can happen ?
See this is all it is. As long as you can accept the worst that can happen, then it's perfectly ok to out yourself. Just remember that just because 'the worst that can happen' hasn't happened yet, that doesn't mean that it will never occur. Of course not all of those who are 'out' have had any bad experiences. However if you ask the ones who HAVE had, well, some of them are dead, some are divorced, some have lost jobs, some have had family stop all contact, and to live in a pink fog where none of that ever happens would be to ignore the obvious.
Yes, things might work out for the best. Or they might not. As long as you stay aware of and are prepared for the worst possible outcome, well, full speed ahead, and if there turn out to be no bad consequences, you'll be pleasantly surprised as Teresa has been so far (how many days has it been since the chain of gossip has had a chance to get around?). And best of luck. We all need it.