32 years...

[Jennifer-GWN]

It's been at least 32 years since I last saw my first wife. I left on a business trip, kissed her goodbye, and flew off into the sunset like I'd done many times before.

This trip was different. On return (got back a bit early) I arrived home to an empty house and caught a glimpse of her driving out of the parking lot in a truck filled with furniture. I've not seen her since. Even through the divorce proceedings she was absent.

Over the years I've had dribs and drabs of little updates through the grapevine.

I've never really wanted to meet or seek her out in anyway over the years with the exception of a few curious googles and searches on Facebook from time to time.

Last night I got a friend request from a old workmates from "back in those days". As I generally do when requests come in (profile reasonably tight) take a look at their friends. No surprise she's a friend of this person as she was the one who originally introduced us.

I could easily accept request as I'm not sure how many people actually scan others profiles in detail and follow the spiderweb of connections but I do.

It did get me thinking last night is it time to reach out. My new life will not certainly come as any great shock to my ex given I've struggled with my gender all my life and there is no question I'm 110% comfortable in who I am today. It does appear she's married the guy she was seeing behind my back and they actually live not terribly far from me today (but likely no chance of crossing paths).

The thought has been rattling around for much of the morning. Maybe it's a need for a sense of unrecognized closure or making amends for past transgressions on both sides. Who knows.

Just thinking out loud.

Cheers... Jennifer

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

wow Jennifer that is some question sis.
if you want to look her up do so, it won't adversely affect either of your lives
and you might even get back a piece of furniture you miss(lol)
please let us know of your decision?

hugs

Giselle Reeves

[STACY B]

Different Place Different time in Life,, If it's was me,, I would not even look in that direction unless you will get some sort of personal gain,,lol

[Starling]

I would try to connect with her, Jennifer, but I'm terribly sentimental; it comes back to bite me sometimes. Be sure you know what you hope to get from trying, but don't expect too much. Thirty-two years is a very long time. Above all, make sure your mutual friend has prepared her. Best case, she might even be happy for you, finally living authentically after suffering so long.

Good luck if you decide to get in touch.

:) Lallie

[PretzelGirl]

My first ended terribly after her antics. She knows about me because we share two kids. But I am in Utah and she is in Washington and the kids are grown, so I haven't reached out. I also have rejected multiple Friend Requests. I am nice enough that I won't throw what went on in her face, but I really still draw the line at having anything to do with her unless we are with one of our kids at the same time. So I guess it depends how you feel about the way she treated you and if you might run into her since you live close. Otherwise, why peel the bandage off? BTW, I do share many friends with her. Somehow we manage to just not share comments.

[Robin414]

I had a GF about 25 yrs ago, long story but the last time I saw her she didn't say a word and stared right through me (that was 25 yrs ago), thought about her occasionally but persistently for 20 yrs afterward 😕 . Fast forward 20 yrs and looked her up on FB and chatted, for me that short conversation was VERY therapeutic, I guess it's called closure but haven't thought about her since! 😊

[becky77]

Hi Jenny

What will you gain from doing this?
Do you need closure after all this time?

It might be unpleasant for both of you, do you think she would want to hear from you?

Unless the need for closure is like an itch you can't shake, I would let sleeping dogs lie.

[VickyMI]

Delete the request.

[Bria]

I wouldn't pick up that brick, just let it lie.

Hugs, Bria

[I Am Paula]

Jennifer, When I was creating my female FB page I wondered if my first wife (who I have not seen in thirty years) had any need to know, or interest in my transition. Would she want to tell her grown kids that her ex is a woman now? Is this a part of HER history that has any pertinence now? I wasn't sure, and let it slide.
Ironically, these questions answered themselves when she sent me (my female page) a friend request. She congratulated me on my metamorphosis, and wished me the best. She also implied that transition was inevitable (how do people sense this?) We have stayed FB friends.
The big irony. She lives in Erin, and goes to the Tin Roof. I have not seen her, and will probably not invite her to coffee.

[Eringirl]

okay...wow.... Personally, I would let sleeping dogs lie, but if it provides some closure or a some peace for you, do it. Otherwise, sit back, have a glass of wine..."delete".....

[Inna]

do what your heart tells you to do!
Do not reason, for reason tries to merely interpret reality, yet your heart is reality!

[LydiaL]

My take is that you just might follow though with the contact. Myself, the X left about 35 years ago. Our life interests grew apart and she wanted out.

I discovered my alternate femme side after that and never was successful in any further relationships with the opposite sex.

We actually kept in touch... Xmas cards, meeting in person at funerals of her family members. and a couple/three lunches. She had two more failed marriages.

Just a few months ago she called and apologized for the hurt she caused me. Said that it was part of AA therapy to try to cleanse past failings.

She had lesbian relationships before (& perhaps during) our marriage. If she had known my future destiny as a committed CD, perhaps we still would be together!

[Nicole Erin]

Coming home to an empty house and then she never showed up for the divorce proceedings, sounds to me like you are not 100% sure why she left.

Now that something resurfaced, it would be easy to just delete the request but that is not going to make your curiosity just go away. Socially, this is a little more serious than a random friend request.

If two people have been in a marriage for more than a couple years, a divorce does not mean they are 100% out of your life or your mind. Maybe the govt is out of the picture but what can we do socially? Pretend it never existed?

Unless there is owed back support of any kind, I do not think any real bad would come from trying to contact your ex. It has been 32 years. Talk to the mutual friend to find out a bit more about your ex. After that, decide if you want to get ahold of her. Try not to forcefully drudge up "what happened" but as you know, the subject will come up.

Here I am saying all of this yet in my own case, I have a friend from 30 years ago (some teacher's aid I had a crush on when I was in 5th grade) that I wrote a letter to and gave my phone number but when she called, I was too chicken to pick up the phone.

I think we all get to a point in our lives when we need to reconnect with our past. But the reasons for that shall be left for another day.

[ReineD]

If you were not interested in closure, then I don't think it would have even occurred to you to post this thread. So I suggest following through.

Do accept your ex-workmate's friend request, and start posting regularly to their timeline. Your ex-wife will see your posts. Keep it that way for some months and give her a chance to see who you are today. If she posts something, then you could like or comment her posts. Anyway just keep it distant and casual and in a few months your spidy senses will tell you whether it is appropriate to contact your ex-wife or not.

[flatlander_48]

J:

If you really want to follow through with this, be clear about the result that you want. If it is just closure, that is not a long term deal. At least, I don't see any reason for it to be otherwise.

However, be reminded that you cannot fix the past. Maybe you can explain the Why's, but it won't change what happened.

In the 12 years since my first wife and I divorced, I've seen her once (at our daughter's wedding 9 years ago). We talk once a year or every couple of years. I often send Mother's Day and birthday cards and she'll send an E-mail once a year or so. But, that is the extent of it. I don't think either of us wants, or needs, any more contact than that.

Anyway, the only other thing that I would add is to be careful. It's possible to reopen old wounds by accident and that's probably not a place you want to go...

DeeAnn

[PaulaQ]

Although the circumstances of our parting weren't quite the same, I reconnected with my first wife a couple of years ago, and we've become friends. It can work out sometimes. After 32 years, there's been a lot of time for you both to heal. I realize that your trust was really violated by her affair, but it's possible to recover from that. I have a friend who's marriage broke up mostly under similar circumstances - it was her wife's affair more than her gender issues that really destroyed their marriage. They've become good friends again - I think they talk all the time now.

Have lunch with her. What harm could come of it? If it's awful, don't repeat it. But it could really be OK.

Sadly I doubt I'll ever become friends with my 2nd wife - the one I split with because of my transition. I'm kind of sad about that. I'm way past wanting to ever be with her, but I miss the friendship we had.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you well.