The Other Side of Full-Time

[Zooey]

On this forum, much has been made about the radical difference in the experience of being full-time vs. not-full-time. Having just crossed that threshold a week ago, I thought I would reflect on it a bit.

Being only a week in, I have no doubt that I've experienced barely a fraction of a fraction of what I will continue to learn as I go forward. Already though, everything is different. There is an entire universe worth of space between NEVER hiding and hiding even 0.000001% of the time. I cannot possibly communicate how substantial this is. Whether you ARE hiding or not, the option to hide is a fundamental difference in perspective.

Some things are hard...


I am myself, but there's nobody else I can be anymore when I'm down on myself.
Before going full-time, I never felt comfortable being called brave. I still don't, but I kinda think I deserve it (a little).
My self-confidence has never been tested so severely
No more just staying home on "ugly days" when the dysmorphia is bad
No more ignoring the issues I have with my body for a day or two to make things easier for me
Every misgendering hurts so much more, because now I can't rationalize their mistake the way I used to


Some things are so much better...


I have never felt so free, and in such a deeply profound way.
My friends and family have "passed the test" as it were, and I have a wonderfully rich community in which to thrive.
I have proven to myself over and over that i can hold my head up high, even when my subconscious whispers "Quick, hide in a hole!!!"
I can hang out with friends on weeknights again, without having to be late or leave work early to get ready
No more handing over ID that makes me want to die
No more censoring myself
I got to do the purge I always wanted to, and pack up all the man clothes for donation


I've got a long way to go yet on this journey, but I wanted to write this RIGHT NOW so people know that what I'm saying here is not just the passage of time making me jaded. When people who've been there say that full-time is different, I want you to know that it really is. It really, really is. It is the letting go of everything, and it changes you and your world in deeply profound ways. Respect it, look forward to it, and know that to be sane is to be a little bit scared of it. At the end of the day though, it's life - my life - and it's much nicer over here.

253676

[Jennifer-GWN]

Very nice perspective. To go full time I think the key is feeling ready. Ready to make that final and unabading jump. Looking back I know I was ready. However if there is a shadow of doubt or question in your mind your not (necessarily) ready.

You were clearly ready and yes the differences are both subtle and profound at the same time.

Nice to see to doing well. Keep smiling and appreciate every moment regardless of the speed bumps along the way and let there be no question of your confidence in yourself. A good life is well deserved.

Cheers... Jennifer

[I Am Paula]

I love your post.
You will probably find that now the new challenges come fast and furious, but get easier to deal with. The best part is we are doing something we have waited for, and paid for, and now we deserve every lovely moment.
Cheers.

[Badtranny]

but get easier to deal with.

tiny quibble, it never gets easier, ...we just get tougher.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Very excellent stuff...

alot of what you said resonates with me

you'll get used to it...lol

[Suzanne F]

Very well said Melissa. I have been totally full time about 3 weeks myself. It feels nice to be going through this together with everyone here. Congratulations!!!!
Suzanne

[Sara Jessica]

No more retreating to the guy if the going gets tough. And for that you are truly brave, even if only a little bit :).

[Brooklyn]

Isn't that trip to Goodwill with all your old man-clothes such a great feeling? One of the hardest things for me during that part of transition was not thinking about being transgender all the time, and shifting to the idea that I'm just another woman. Relish the moment!

[dreamer_2.0]

Enlightening post. Thank tou for sharing and please continue to share more about your experiences, especially during this period.

[becky77]

It changes you, everything is real it's another world almost.

I find I am on edge and stressed still at work.

For example:
I visit a lot of building sites in my job, usually I'm the only woman on site and it can feel empowering knowing I am being me in an environment I wouldn't have thought I could have coped with previously.
It's all going well, being treated respectfully (usually get my own toilet too!).
Then someone that I have worked previously with arrives on site, a few unfortunate misgenders and I'm now looked at completely different and it can be crushing to the soul.
One minute I'm being offered tea and everything's friendly, next there is a distance and conversation is strictly professional.

That's the problem with my work, I work with a lot of people that don't know mixed in with those that do. I'm constantly on edge waiting to be outed all the time or misgendered.
I go into a meeting, introduce myself to some strangers and then wait to see at what point someone slips up and I get 'The stare'!

I don't think it gets easier, I just think your skin thickens.

I guess it depends on the type of work you do, if you are in an office environment where everyone knows and it's rare anyone new comes into the equation, then yeah that will get easier.
If you're meeting new clients and visiting different places all the time it can be a headache.

Transitioning in place is tough, those that start somewhere new or wait until retirement are fortunate to avoid some of the worst of it.

[Marcelle]

Hi Melissa,

Very well put and I think it probably resonates with many here . . . it sure does for me. The duality of full-time can be both empowering and angst causing. Empowering in that you finally get to be who you need to be, no more hiding, everyone knows and it is just you for the world to see. Angst causing for the very same reasons. I do find as things settle and people adjust it does get a bit better but as the other Melissa said . . . I think w also get a bit tougher. Congrats on crossing the threshold.

Cheers

Marcelle

[VickyMI]

Great post. Please do another post in a week or so. Curious to read how things progress.

[STACY B]

I said it once and I'll say it again,, Those who Transition in place at there current job is one of the Toughest. You gotta admit there is nothing worse than that,, All the people know you and know how to interact with you and all of a sudden it's all different. And there is No Way to gauge how people will react with religion and false beliefs of there own learned from media and general social construct and upbringing.

Geez,,, At least with doing it in your home town you can get away from it and go home, At work your stuck and are have to preform your job in the same manner. Lordy Lordy,, You and those like you have my Biggest admiration because no way I could handle it. Good Luck and keep your head up, At least we know who we are now,,lol,,,

[Eringirl]

Melissa....great post!! thanks......

[Inna]

succinctly put!

so......how deep does the rabbit hole go?! it sure isn't for the faint of heart...

[EnglishRose]

Isn't that trip to Goodwill with all your old man-clothes such a great feeling? One of the hardest things for me during that part of transition was not thinking about being transgender all the time, and shifting to the idea that I'm just another woman. Relish the moment!

Yes! Donating those things was so cathartic. And even though it's over three years since I went FT, if ever I need a quick pick-me-up I think to myself: "I transitioned. me. I did it.". Because while daunting beforehand, it truly and utterly changed my life for the better.

[Badtranny]

For example:
I visit a lot of building sites in my job, usually I'm the only woman on site and it can feel empowering knowing I am being me in an environment I wouldn't have thought I could have coped with previously.
It's all going well, being treated respectfully (usually get my own toilet too!).
Then someone that I have worked previously with arrives on site, a few unfortunate misgenders and I'm now looked at completely different and it can be crushing to the soul.
One minute I'm being offered tea and everything's friendly, next there is a distance and conversation is strictly professional.

Perfect. That is exactly how it is. I'm always ready to be outed by my past. There are just too many people in the area and industry that knew me before.

One day burly construction dudes are being cheeky and cute, the next day they meet someone who knew me before, and they're cold if not hostile the next time I see them.

Transition is a hell of a thing.

[PretzelGirl]

Some things are hard...


I am myself, but there's nobody else I can be anymore when I'm down on myself.



I think this one is a plus. Good or bad, I am me and I deal with it as me, not what I became to keep the real me inside






Before going full-time, I never felt comfortable being called brave. I still don't, but I kinda think I deserve it (a little).



This one is always an interesting discussion. Sometimes the need makes us want to push back on "brave" and "courage". But even then, I think there is a level of it even when need is great.





My self-confidence has never been tested so severely
No more just staying home on "ugly days" when the dysmorphia is bad
No more ignoring the issues I have with my body for a day or two to make things easier for me



Amen!





Every misgendering hurts so much more, because now I can't rationalize their mistake the way I used to



I found that once I realized that people had "muscle memory" in their brains and I could tell the difference between being absent minded and being deliberate, then I was able to give some room and I gradually lost patience as time wore on. That was me and anyone who needs to draw the line immediately is certainly entitled to make that distinction.

[Zooey]

I found that once I realized that people had "muscle memory" in their brains and I could tell the difference between being absent minded and being deliberate, then I was able to give some room and I gradually lost patience as time wore on. That was me and anyone who needs to draw the line immediately is certainly entitled to make that distinction.

Because I think this is CRITICAL, especially for those transitioning in-place, I just wanted to say that I completely agree with this and I take the same approach. I'm stronger than I've ever been, and I actually give people who are making an effort a LOT of room. I can tell that each instance hurts a bit more than it used to though. I think that fully giving up my previous identity made it that much more frustrating to process things that are in conflict with my new one.

[docrobbysherry]

Zooey, I think u and EVERYONE who changes gender midstream is either very brave or very naive.

When I suddenly began dressing I soon felt like Alice tumbling helplessly down some bizarre, fem rabbit hole. At times it felt surreal, almost like entering a different universe. :eek:

But, that was simply crossdressing. Perminently changing your gender IS entering a new universe/reality! I have the greatest sympathy and respect for all of u!:hugs:

[Rogina B]

One day burly construction dudes are being cheeky and cute, the next day they meet someone who knew me before, and they're cold if not hostile the next time I see them.

Transition is a hell of a thing.
The marine world is no different. I think that "the trades" are somewhat of a boy's club where people fear being viewed as different. If one of them voices and or demonstrates inclusion after you are "outed" then that person fears rejection or something from their fellow workers. And the direct superiors may be as biased. Like Becky and you point out,jobsites are not offices and the "accepted behavior" certainly is different unfortunately. Acceptance and inclusion are a long way off in some aspects of industry.Sadly,they don't want to get it and move on.

[ErikaS]

This is a rough ride we all are on I am full time and next week I get my new documents as Erika. I now know its hard to transition while in the U.S Army (Reserves) so much support that wants to help but can't yet until the ban is lifted. Its interesting as a Federal Employee its not a big deal but the Military woh.. I find your courage and bravery a inspiration to help me through the potholes i am encountering. I do feel free and able to really be myself its being alive with my new life.

Erika

[becky77]

Perfect. That is exactly how it is. I'm always ready to be outed by my past. There are just too many people in the area and industry that knew me before.

One day burly construction dudes are being cheeky and cute, the next day they meet someone who knew me before, and they're cold if not hostile the next time I see them.

Transition is a hell of a thing.

Guys opening doors or standing aside, now they walk through me or just look at me with this strange look that is bordering on fear.

No wonder I am so bitter when non full-timers try to teach me how to suck eggs!
I don't mean it and I apologise for coming across harsh, but I have a crappy day out there, then in here I'm fed BS and the anger takes over.

I'm nearly ten months into full-time and almost 2 years into everything but full-time. It's taken it's toll, maybe it's the year two thing but I have just been recommended to see a Psychologist, bit of a break-down in speech therapy today!

Once the euphoria wore off the mental turmoil kicked in.

I'm so exhausted, where are these flipping Unicorns already??

[Inna]

there is so much to be said for stealth in remote area and new career path. I know, not doable for the sake of those who want to hold on to some semblance of comfortable existence, but without the divorce from norm, well, status quo bites harshly in the @$$.

[flatlander_48]

Some things are hard...
M:

True, but remember that the human mechanism fights change. Change involves, not unlike a GPS unit, a recalculation of everything before it. Once you cross a threshhold, like getting married, graduating and taking a real job, transitioning, etc. your perspective changes. As that new reality sets in, you begin to make sense of things all over again.

The interesting thing is that we humans actually have a great capacity for change and adaptation. We're great at making do, doing without and getting by. While we know a lot of things intellectually, the internalization takes longer.

So, you are about where you wanted to be. Perhaps it takes a bit for that reality to settle in. For what you've done so far, a MAJOR threshhold has been crossed. I suspect that the internalization will be along directly...

DeeAnn

[Badtranny]

Once the euphoria wore off the mental turmoil kicked in.


Hang in there Becky, you will continue to change. You'll become harder and less interested in how other people feel about you. I haven't even had a date in over two years, and surprisingly I'm totally okay with it.

Transition will remake you in its image and the pain will become a memory.

[PretzelGirl]

Becky, I am so sorry you are having these experiences (and Misty too). This is not how it should be and I still pray it will keep getting better. But that doesn't make it easier for you now. And you have your right to speak to your feelings here. This place is a vent and it is our support too.

I wish for you to have your unicorns!

[becky77]

Sue most of it is in my head, Transition in many ways has been a piece of cake, being a woman is almost effortless.
My problem is suffering mental anguish since my earliest memory, GD has literally tortured my soul.
I coped by shoving all the hurt and pain into a room and doing anything to avoid opening that door.
The door is now open, three decades of self hatred has conditioned me with a body dysmorphia, you know the hall of mirrors that warp your image. That's like what I see of myself, this big deformed mutant!
I know it's crazy, I know I can't really look like that but I can't banish the torment.

I worry I didn't transition soon enough and that the damage is too severe, I have been improving.
I don't understand how other people are reporting such happiness immediately after Transition, how can years of hurt trapped in the wrong gender be so easily fixed?

Doesn't help that my Estrogen is at an all-time low.

Some days I'm just numb and forget what day it is.

I'm not suffering GD anymore, I'm suffering from the damage it did to me!
The stress of transitioning has just left me vulnerable I think.

[flatlander_48]

I don't understand how other people are reporting such happiness immediately after Transition, how can years of hurt trapped in the wrong gender be so easily fixed?

Human variance. I think we have all sorts of different ways and levels of dealing with negative things in our lives (in the broadest sense). People compartmentalize in different ways and with different levels of effectiveness. Similarly, people have different thresholds of pain; both physical and mental. Some are good at dissipating and diffusing that pain and suffering; others, not so much. Some people are good at modeling the behavior they want until such time as they have internalized it. Once again, others not so much.

While transitioning is a very specific set of circumstances, it is all supported by the humanity underneath. And the thing is, you said "other people", meaning that "some" report what you said, but I assume not all. So, with that notion of human variance there are multiple outcomes. Said another way, while the world has been blessed with Mother Teresa, we have also been cursed by Jeffery Dahmer. It's just how it is; the same parts and pieces, but VERY different outcomes.

DeeAnn

[Jennifer-GWN]

I don't understand how other people are reporting such happiness immediately after Transition, how can years of hurt trapped in the wrong gender be so easily fixed?

Becky;

For me plain and simple ... The shear sense of freedom a shedding of a old facade and emerging fresh. Something that has taken me a long time to achieve and in the process I'm very proud of who I've become in an outward facing way. Yes; no question there are many around me who obviously know of my past having played a big part but they have equally moved on. They see and understand the profound differences in me - the happiness .. The outward sense of peace and comfort. What I haven't experienced to date are the situations where new people I've met become aware of my past. But again I approach this from the point of view that I'm not trying to hide my past nor do I assume that new people meeting me are oblivious to the fact that I'm trans which might be making it easier. Sure it would be great to sweep it all under the carpet... and unrealistic. As I look back through my back fb pages I do cringe a bit from the past life posting as an example.

My rule is though... Take for who I am and treated me as I treat you. If there is any question take time to get to know me and it will be clear who I am. Those passers by who have an issue are not my concern and even in this area I've been fortunate to not have endured much in the way of negativity in my travels (but do expect the occasional situation to arrive).

Just some perspective from my side.

Obtw... Hogwash... Your all woman!!!! But I recognize our demons can haunt us deeply.

Cheers... Jennifer

[emma5410]

Becky

I have had it easier than you and Bad Tranny as I work in software development. The company I work for is mostly male but we have women in management positions and everyone in the company has been at least polite and most very supportive. The few clients I have met have also been very good although there is a certain look I sometimes get when I attend meetings and I am introduced to people.
Generally the practical side of my transition has been smooth but I have struggled with lots of psychological issues. I have had the worst few years of my life during the transition. I have thought about suicide and de-transitioning. Having SRS helped remove the last of my GD but still left me with a lot of self doubt and other issues.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel. In the last few weeks I have stopped constantly thinking about gender and started to accept myself. At the end of the day I am not female, male or transsexual. I am just me and people can like it or lump it. I do not know what brought about the change. It was certainly nothing I consciously did, it just happened.

If I had read this a few weeks ago I would have not dreamt that it was possible to feel the way I do now.
The point I am trying to make is hang in there. It does get better. I really believe it will for you as well.

[flatlander_48]

But there is light at the end of the tunnel. In the last few weeks I have stopped constantly thinking about gender and started to accept myself. At the end of the day I am not female, male or transsexual. I am just me and people can like it or lump it. I do not know what brought about the change. It was certainly nothing I consciously did, it just happened.

As you working in software, consider it to be background processing.

DeeAnn

[emma5410]

I think that is exactly what it is. I believe that a lot of work goes on at a subconscious level.

[PretzelGirl]

I worry I didn't transition soon enough and that the damage is too severe, I have been improving.
I don't understand how other people are reporting such happiness immediately after Transition, how can years of hurt trapped in the wrong gender be so easily fixed?

I suspect the pain felt pre-transition translates into this result. I stuffed part of me and my personality, but I didn't feel great pain, I just didn't feel right at all. So I am one of the ones on the other side quite happy. So I am sorry I can't relate, but I empathize.

I hope you are able to work through this and the feeling diminishes. You are where you need to be and happiness should be in your grasp.


Doesn't help that my Estrogen is at an all-time low.

Do you have an appointment to get this fixed? The battle is hard enough without imbalances affecting our feelings. And pardon me for even asking that, but I am not sure how reactive you health care system is.

[dreamer_2.0]

I worry I didn't transition soon enough and that the damage is too severe, I have been improving.
I don't understand how other people are reporting such happiness immediately after Transition, how can years of hurt trapped in the wrong gender be so easily fixed?

This! Oh wow, Bexx you're typing my thoughts! Over the last few days a close friend and I have been discussing how dysphoria has affected, even destroyed, our lives. I feel the damage over the years has become too great and while I may be transitioning relatively young compare to many others, it may not have been soon enough. I believe things will get better...one day. Frankly, though, I say "one day" for a lot of things and struggle to even believe it will happen. Being truly happy and overcoming GD seems like an elusive fantasy from my current perspective.

[Kate T]

Becky and Dreamer

Look, I've had a pretty average day. Quite probably the worst day I've ever had in terms of feelings and feeling like I'm just butt ugly, everyone is looking at me, self conscious wish I could just crawl into a ball at home and cry for an hour or two. So I get it, I really do. BUT please believe me when I say this, you are beautiful. Both of you, everyone on this forum. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. We need to remember to look for and love ourselves, not what society thinks and has ingrained in our brain that an idealised woman (or man if there are any FTM left out there :)) should be. What has happened in the past has happened, we cannot change that. We must live and love ourselves in the present and then we can face the future with our heads held high and proud of who we are.

[charlenesomeone]

Wish there was a "like button"
Awesome Kate.

[Jennifer-GWN]

253869

Just some guidance and perspective.

[Zooey]

Becky, despite never having met you, I loveya. I really do. I think you and I have a lot in common, and so I want you to know that despite some positivity that I've shared here, we really do have a lot in common. Next time I am in the UK to satisfy my cravings for black pudding and proper beer, we must hang out.


Sue most of it is in my head, Transition in many ways has been a piece of cake, being a woman is almost effortless.
My problem is suffering mental anguish since my earliest memory, GD has literally tortured my soul.
I coped by shoving all the hurt and pain into a room and doing anything to avoid opening that door.
The door is now open, three decades of self hatred has conditioned me with a body dysmorphia, you know the hall of mirrors that warp your image. That's like what I see of myself, this big deformed mutant!
I know it's crazy, I know I can't really look like that but I can't banish the torment.

People with this condition experience it differently, but you should know that I dealt with it the same way, and I also have pretty punishing (but by no means debilitating) body dysmorphia. Full-time has, in fact, intensified the dysmorphia by ending my access to my formerly most-effective coping strategies - looking at myself as a "guy" in what basically amounts to the 3rd person (super not healthy). I've mentioned my "ugly days" in a super-reductionist way, and I've mentioned (in other threads) the way I've tried to force myself to get over things, but for a variety of reasons I didn't really communicate the severity. I do that with my therapist. I don't know how the severity of my dysmorphia might compare to yours, and I don't much care. Just know I hear you, loud and clear, and you are so so far from alone on this.


I worry I didn't transition soon enough and that the damage is too severe, I have been improving.
I don't understand how other people are reporting such happiness immediately after Transition, how can years of hurt trapped in the wrong gender be so easily fixed?

There has been a lot good in my transition, and I have been very fortunate. In a lot of very important ways, I am happier than I've ever been. I am also more open, exposed, vulnerable, raw, etc. to a formerly-shut closet full of demons. I can't speak for anybody else, but it's definitely not all sunshine and cupcakes over here for me. I post more about my successes because it makes me feel good to share them, and I think people need to hear positive experiences too, but I usually only bring up the dozens of little moments where I hate something about myself in aggregate, which may make them seem less significant than they are. Some days I have none, many days I have a few, and some days I have dozens if not hundreds. Here's the best way I can think to describe it...

I'm genuinely living a happy life, but there's a small sharp point, like a needle, embedded in the base of my neck. Often times I don't feel it, because I've just gotten used to the generalized dull pain that comes from the fact that it's there. Whenever I'm moving too much, or turn my head the wrong way or too quickly, I feel a very sharp, acute, stabbing pain. I've tried to get it removed, but nobody else can see it.


The stress of transitioning has just left me vulnerable I think.

So much yes. I am very fortunate to have two best friends who love me very much, and who are more than happy to just hug me while I cry for 30 minutes straight when we're supposed to be cooking and eating a nice dinner, because too many things had finally built up too much that day (aka last Sunday). I wish you the same sort of friendship, because I know that without it I'd have way more of the crying time and way less of the happy stuff in between.

[becky77]

I don't want to make it sound like my life is hell, it's not.
Transition was the right decision and I have no regrets, I can't imagine even entertaining the thought of going back to where I was.

It has been successful, there are days I don't even think these bad thoughts and just be.
I'm at a low ebb currently perhaps highlighting the importance of getting your hormones correct.

There are way more good things than bad things in my transition, but when I feel like this I write it down.
Not only is it cathartic but maybe just maybe someone else can relate and not feel they're alone, in the scheme of things my transition is a success, however it would be remiss of me to only report the good stuff, just like it is not good to only concentrate on the negatives.

It's a bumpy ride and some days you have to ride out the dips. I feel brighter today, some kind replies here and some socialising with fledgling friends on my dog walk today have helped.

Melissa, I've never eaten black pudding! What you said about body dysmorphia intensifying is interesting, we don't talk much about side affects of living a life with strong GD.
How does it differ for those that get it later in life and weren't hampered in the childhood years?

Why do some find FFS a necessity and others not?

I wonder how I will be after SRS.

[Zooey]

There are way more good things than bad things in my transition, but when I feel like this I write it down.
Not only is it cathartic but maybe just maybe someone else can relate and not feel they're alone, in the scheme of things my transition is a success, however it would be remiss of me to only report the good stuff, just like it is not good to only concentrate on the negatives.

Seriously, if I believed in this stuff, I'd say we may have been friends in a former life. I feel exactly the same way.


It's a bumpy ride and some days you have to ride out the dips. I feel brighter today, some kind replies here and some socialising with fledgling friends on my dog walk today have helped.

Isn't it funny, how much little things can help when it's in your head? After I broke down last Sunday night with friends, I woke up in the morning feeling soooo much better. I even looked better in the mirror - the exaggerations my brain so often makes were toned down a bit. It's fascinating.


What you said about body dysmorphia intensifying is interesting, we don't talk much about side affects of living a life with strong GD. How does it differ for those that get it later in life and weren't hampered in the childhood years?

I'm not sure I'd say mine intensified, but my ability to cope with it has been reduced because I can't really hide from it. Same effect in the end though. :p It's interesting that you bring up FFS, because I actually only started seriously considering FFS since going full-time, because of precisely this. I'm trying to be very careful about it, because I don't want to make a decision about it when I'm at the bottom of a low ebb, as you put it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Sometimes it can be helpful to consider that ALL people have ALL kinds of problems..


i get trapped for a while in the exististenial crisis or the unfairness or the sometimes very brutal nature of transition

I try to think of it as something like

Hey i'm just this lady..and i have this long history getting to this point and alot of misery associated with it... that describes alot of people...

so the question is now what from here for all of us...
... the transition was so hard... now you get to live life, and enjoy all its ups and downs as yourself..

i guess i'm saying if you can do it, try to simplify it in your mind and just join the human race... after transition its just life.

i transitioned years ago and i still sometimes find this difficult to remember...

============
one thing i would say zooey is that my body issues were 1. about my face..2. about my body...
FFS hugely improved my quality of life...i had a couple minor complications but i'm glad i did it.

[Nicole Erin]

Zooey, here are some things to expect over time -

First is what you are going through as you outlined. You are in the "sink or swim" stage. Yeah insults hurt, you have a lot of "ugly" days, etc.

At some point soon you will decide, "So what if I am TS, why shouldn't I be able to (date GG's, get a legitimate job, have friends, go where you want, well except real crap places that NO ONE should be in... but yeah pick YOUR goals.)

You meet your personal goals and say, "Hey, I can do it!" Once this happens, your self confidence goes up like you cannot possibly imagine.

Once that happens, you start taking a lot more pride in your looks and from there, you will probably hear compliments almost daily about your looks. You just start to carry yourself with pride. It doesn't even matter if you are "passing" cause that is irrelevant at this point. You look good and you know it.

At this point, people just don't mess with you. they may or may not know you are TS but they are not gonna razz you about it.

All this is great and may take a couple three years, but you get there. However, a different set of problems will surface...

You tend to get "burnt out" on the whole TS thing. You don't think about it much at all. Not that you wish you were not TS but it just gets boring, becomes "normal life".
The fun you once had, the rush you used to get by wearing what you once considered "daring", that fun pretty much vanishes.
Instead of appreciating people who "accept" you, you find yourself almost demanding respect. Insults or mis-genders hurt for only a brief moment and you forget about it almost immediately after.
You start to realize your life isn't any better or worse than when you were "him".

But at least you can live your life and look pretty. :D