Told a friend, I think it was a mistake.

[Jill]

Well, as so many of us experience, I was getting to the point where I wanted to tell someone about it, at least someone else. I have no idea why that urge or desire becomes a factor, I have no idea why. I really feel like you put your friendship on the line, even though I think that all my friends are really good and loyal friends and wouldn't bail on me, no matter what. I mean, I could become a herione addict or sell drugs and that wouldn't compromise my friendship as much as if I was dressing in women's clothes in secret. Strange how that works. Anyway, I told a friend, via instant messenger. Even though she was very accepting and cool about it. She thinks the whole thing is creepy and bizarre and more then anything she really wants to find a way to cure me and get me stop doing it for good. When I told her the extent of where it goes and how often and what I wear, she was just really uncomfortable with it. I guess you could say that she's not really supportive. I think it was a mistake to tell her.

[Sophia Rearen]

Jill,
I feel you must tell one other person about yourself when you're on the road to self acceptance. It's just a necessary evil. I don't think it was a mistake to tell her. Just because she is ignorant of crossdressing doesn't make it wrong. Give her some time. Don't shove it at her. Put it on her terms now.

[Ms. Donna]

She thinks the whole thing is creepy and bizarre and more then anything she really wants to find a way to cure me and get me stop doing it for good. When I told her the extent of where it goes and how often and what I wear, she was just really uncomfortable with it. I guess you could say that she's not really supportive. I think it was a mistake to tell her.

Hi Jill,

It wasn't a mistake. There are many who advocate not comming out - primarily for this reason. But I have to agree with Sophia, how can you accept yourself if you can't even talk about yourself.

Coming out to someone makes it real - in the sense that this is no longer some little closed world of your own. By inviting someone in - even if they don't respond as you had hoped - you have now connected your 'world' with the world at large and there is something empowering about that.

I have the following in my sig below:


One recognizes one's course by discovering
the paths that stray from it. -- Camus --

I believe very strongly in this. You can not know who will support you and will not until you give them the opportunity. Perhaps your friend, with a bit of discussion and education, will come around - If so, then you know you have one person in your corner. If not, perhaps she's not the friend you thought she was. Either way, your course becomes that much clearer.

Give it some time. Regardless of the outcome, you have made a big step forward. Congrats!

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[miyako]

Well you never know. Sometimes we have to go out on limbs and take chances and tell people. Other well don't like to tell anyone. I will tell anyone, any stranger I know about me right off the bat. Then again I have no care or concern what they think or feel if it's negative. =). I'm just extreme.

Miyako M.

[Nikki Dee]

Not necessarily a mistake love...just wrong time maybe...but things can change...and if she is a real friend.??????????who knows.
Love Nikki. x

[Jenny Beth]

Add me to the "I don't think it was a mistake" list. While she might not be comfortable with it now you have opened a door for discussing your deepest thoughts and feelings. You might want to suggest she reads My Husband Wears My Clothes so she gets and idea of what this is all about. Her reactions right now are normal, it's up to you to educate her a little on gender identity issues. As long as your discussions remain in a civil manner I think you made a good decision. I wish you luck.

[Melinda G]

The only person I ever came out to was my ex-wife. And she had a boyfriend within six months and we later divorced. I have never told anyone else.
My crossdressing is my personal thing, involves no one else, and I fully intend to keep it my little secret.
For the life of me, I cannot understand this need some of us have to "come out" to someone, or everyone. Most people consider it wierd. A lot of people consider it a gay thing. Some people will accept it. Most will not!

[Sam-antha]

That is what Jennie has, go girl and talk some more to her, or perhaps she will start to feel uncomfortable with you around.
No it was not a mistake, it is a part of life, part of getting around.
Love and Huggzs

[carolanne_love]

Hi Jill

It was not a mistake in telling somebody. My situation with my wife when I told her was probably the same as you. She experienced the same feelings, I am sure, as your girlfriend.

I think my wife's first and primary feeling was of inadequacy. It took me a long time to convince her that this was not about her. Articles reprinted off the internet helped tremendously in showing her (1) this is something I cannot fight or suppress. (2) Large numbers of couples in north america are in the same situation. (3) there is a lot of help for SO's for dealing with us.
(4) It cannot be cured.

I think what your girlfriend needs is support and reassurance. For me the internet helped.

Love, Carolanne

[Phoebe Reece]

Jill, don't mistake lack of understanding for lack of acceptance. If you can provide your friend with more info about what crossdressing is and is not, she may feel less "creepy" about it. You should let her know that it is not something that can be "cured".

[pauleen]

I have told quite a few about my otherself most are ok with it just as long as I keep it to myself ,others want to see pic,s ,and are ok with me dressing ,then there are good friends that I just leave well enough alone ,and I,m afraid to tell ,actually one of them is watching my house ,but he has already came over once and I had accendently left my girl clogs out ,and he questioned me ,I got through it ok ,but I,m just not sure if I should coe clean ,or ... dont ask dont tell .

[KathrynW]

I think it was a mistake to tell her.
Maybe...Maybe not...
But, Timing is everything...
Suggestion: Don't act like it's such a serious matter to you. Try to talk to this person in a lighthearted way about your cd-ing. She may eventually come around... ;)

[S. Lisa Smith]

Jill,
I feel you must tell one other person about yourself when you're on the road to self acceptance. It's just a necessary evil. I don't think it was a mistake to tell her. Just because she is ignorant of crossdressing doesn't make it wrong. Give her some time. Don't shove it at her. Put it on her terms now.

I couldn't agree with this more. I also agree with KathrynW. Humor or lightheartedness is my style and I think it is quite effective. Things will work out fine.

[MonikaW]

Wow, that is quite a lot to digest.

I have told many friends about Monika, though not all my friends. I've been rather lucky in that they are all quite accepting and supportive. However, the risk is always there when telling someone that they will not be supportive.

I found it important to tell folks because I did not want to live a lie either. Sneaking and such is too difficult, and I just wanted to minimize that as much as possible. Not everyone knows, so it does become an issue at times such as when my parents visit. They live 200 miles away, so it only happens a few times a year.

What has me concerned is her desire to "cure" you. I think you should make it clear to her that your decision to share this important part of your life with her was not motivated by a need for a "cure."

My advice is to not bring up the subject with her again. If she asks about it, then do discuss it. However, only discuss it if she is willing to be open minded about it. If she insists on trying to make you stop and to "cure" you, then I think you need to end the conversation on the topic. It sounds like she is not your SO, so there is no reason why you need to accomodate or change for her benefit. Make it clear to her that as a friend you wanted to share an important part of your life with her. If she is not willing to be understanding about it, then it should be a topic that is not discussed again. If you do decide to stop dressing for what ever reason, your motivation should be yours and not hers.

Finally, please don't stop trusting friends as a result of this. I have had positive experiences by sharing with friends. That doesn't mean that I hang out with them as Monika, though with some I do. It just means that I have been able to share with them. A good friend will accept you as you are and love you despite any perceived faults.

Good luck Jill and please don't be discouraged. Be true to yourself.

[kathy gg]

HI Jill

I dont' know if "mistake" is the way to look at it...and you did not say how long you have been friends with her. Or if you are only online friends.

Anyway, this is my take on her reaction. My first guess is that women {or men} might think this as a "sexual" thing. So if she is just a friend she might feel that she is knowing more about your sexual needs/wants/desires than she really wants to know. And women sometimes usually have experinces w/men {who are friends} sharing something sexual with them and it is just a round about way of getting hit on or confiding about sex in order to 'get off'. I don't think that was your intention obviously. But women interept information in different ways then men. I know that when male "friends" have made attempts to share some private peice of sexual history/or tell of an experince or what ever it gives me the creeps, because I really dont' want to know about them and their sexual habits. Don't care to know if they wear boxers or briefs. File that all under "did not need to know! yikes". As I said, I know that was not your intention when you shared this, but usually the first thing that comes to peoples minds when you say "crossdresser or transvestite" is sexual kink.

Or my second guess is she has designs or feelings about you which might motivate her to want to change or get you to stop something she is percieving as a flaw. And regardless if she is hooked up or married or has a boyfriend. If she sees you as a possible or potential mate this changes everything about her perception.

So two different thoughts...I could be totally wrong on both counts, but that was the first things that came to my mind when I read your post. Good luck, now let's hope she just respects your privacy...

[Jodi]

The only mistake that I would note is that it was done by instant messenger. I would always consider coming out to anyone as important, and this should be done face to face, never over the phone or in writing. On face to face contact, you can read their overall body language so as to really know what they are thinking.

Jodi

[nancy58]

Jill,

Count me in the "it wasn't necessarily a mistake" column. When I told my wife, I was so desperate to unburden myself that I was willing to do whatever it took to undo the damage, even if that meant electro-shock therapy. (Not that this was in the offing.) And she was stunned. News like that takes a while to digest. You may lose the friend, or you may not. She may be a mate someday, or she may not. You cannot control any of it. But don't take her initial reaction as her final answer -- and this would be the case even if she initially said she was okay with it. It is Big News, and Big News takes time.

Good luck!
Nancy

[tvgirl4fun]

I agree with Jodi, you should have told your friend in person. And when you do tell someone, I think you should use "terms" they will understand. Tell them you crossdress. Don't tell them you're "transgendered". I think people that do that aren't really comfortable with themselves and are just trying to cloud the facts. I've heard of people that have told others they're "transgendered" and the person was more confused as to what was going on as opposed to if they were told their friend "crossdressed". Just my thoughts. Jaie

[Deborah]

A common mistake imho. I don't know why everyone wants to run around and tell everyone. For god's sake society is not ready for this yet.

[Wendall1957]

Greetings Jill,

I've long had a soft spot for that name; I was once engaged to a GG who was called Jill. Her sister was, really - I swear - Jackie.

Telling your friend was not a mistake.

Her reaction was a miss-take, in my mind.

I am lucky. My wife knows of my desire and need to dress in "women's" clothes.

She does not much mind, though having a "female" bedmate is not high on her list of priorities.

Honesty, especially towards yourself, WILL gain you a better life.

Dress when you can, love and like yourself, place trust in those who can see you for your sake, not for the sake of that which they have been taught falsely.

In regards

[Helen MC]

I am very cautious indeed whom I tell, and will size up the person. Only a handful of very close friends know and they were friends before I told them of my CD side, and I had "tested the waters" by mentioning the subject of Crossdressing though not initially regarding myself and noting their response to the topic. Neither my father nor my sister know, nor my co-workers, neighbours etc. Once you tell such a secret it is a secret no longer, you can't "erase and rewind" and you no longer have any control over who that person tells in their turn.

[Jill]

Thanks everyone for your input. I just wanted to reply with a little more information about my friend and some of the things that she said. This is a friend that I have had for years, she's a very loyal and sweet friend. She is not my SO or girlfriend, she is a beautiful woman but I would never date her. She would drive me crazy in a relationship. Her comments involving a guy dressed as a girl included, "grounds for divroce," "bizarre," and "I just don't understand it, I don't think I can." She's accepting but far from understanding. She said that if she found out her husband or boyfriend crossdressed, she'd dump him or divorce him immediately. But that just goes to show you the type of girlfriend she makes. I know a lot of you think it was a mistake telling her on the instant messenger. But this is an embarrassing thing for me. I mean, I'm a manly guy who has a job that requires me to be aggressive, a leader and tough. Let's face it, this lifestyle is associated with weakness, and wimpiness, I'm embarrassed by it. I know that may offend some of you and I'm sorry, I don't mean to, I'm just being honest. I couldn't bring myself to look someone in the eye and tell them that I do this. It would be like the time that my mom found my stash of pantyhose that I stole from my sisters. Seriously though, thanks to everyone here for their feedback, I am very impressed with the people on this forum, you're all very classy.

[HaleyPink2000]

Your friend!

It would be best thing ever if at peoples work locations they would hold Diversity Classes. Just to let people know, they work, and live in Diversity every day. This is nothing new. It's just not taught in school. I also believe Diversity classes would be good about the 7th grade level. Then again at exit from high school. We are shorting our children not letting them know that there is such diversity in the world. Also that it's not all bad either, just different. You hear, Our culture, Their culture, That culture. For the most part, people are not culturally excepting. Anything that is not their culture or is different is wrong! How many wars have people died over religion. What a stupid thing to fight over.

Your Friend sadly to say so. But probably is not long to be your friend unless She changes drastically. It would be Her best case, go to a cultural Diversity seminar or class. Even to a SPICE TriEss Meeting. Thats where you don't dress as a Woman, you both go as you are to this get together for couples and friends. This year it's in Chicago. Book a flight for the two of you if you want to keep her. It's on the net all about it.

Haley:)

[HaleyPink2000]

My Daughter was over Human Recourses for a Major Incorporate. I told her and She has no problem with it. Even did thank me for doing so. We talk. It’s seldom that we do talk of Girly things, but sometimes. Yes I was glad I told her. Even at that it took till I was 53 to tell her.

My Wife, totally says its wrong, creepy, a sin etc. Different Culture. Wife from a Christian farming community, raised in the 50’s / 60’s . Daughter from City schools and a had a Lesbian mother. My Daughter was raised in the 70’s / 80’s.

Cultural lines are changing.

Haley

[_Janelle_]

Jill - there are no rights or wrongs in this life - just consequences! If she is a good friend, I would hope that she would look into a little deeper rather than dismiss it in an off hand manner. If she continues to have issues with it, perhaps she is not as good a friend as you initially thought.

[JoannaDees]

Well, as so many of us experience, I was getting to the point where I wanted to tell someone about it, at least someone else. I have no idea why that urge or desire becomes a factor, I have no idea why. I really feel like you put your friendship on the line, even though I think that all my friends are really good and loyal friends and wouldn't bail on me, no matter what. I mean, I could become a herione addict or sell drugs and that wouldn't compromise my friendship as much as if I was dressing in women's clothes in secret. Strange how that works. Anyway, I told a friend, via instant messenger. Even though she was very accepting and cool about it. She thinks the whole thing is creepy and bizarre and more then anything she really wants to find a way to cure me and get me stop doing it for good. When I told her the extent of where it goes and how often and what I wear, she was just really uncomfortable with it. I guess you could say that she's not really supportive. I think it was a mistake to tell her.

I guess you told the wrong person. Goes to show you not all GG's are cool. But then, don't fall into the cd.com trap that all GG's are goddesses, they are just as fallible as you! And by the way, the POPE IS FALLIBLE! Dammit... Oops, sorry some poli-BS there, huh?

[HaleyPink2000]

That was so funny! A little humor on here never hurts.
Your to cool!

Haley:)