I'm overwhelmed

[Ashley in Virginia]

So I finally went to a gender therapist and somehow I'm even more stressed out. Ive spent 30 years running from myself and now I've got the opportunity to deal with it but I'm terrified.

I can't quite explain what I'm feeling other than terror. But I can't quite put to words what I'm scared of. Im so ****ing anxious right now. My nerves are shot, I don't feel like I can deal with it. I don't want to hide from this anymore, but its all I know to do.

I need to cry, but I can't. I feel so anxious that I can't breathe.

The doctor said hormones should help clear my mind, and settle down some of the anxiety I feel. But I don't know how I'm going to deal with all of the shame and embarrassment I feel because I'm not normal and people will finally know I'm not normal like them. I think in the limited interactions I have with people right now, no one would ever guess what kind of weirdo I am. But to go down the path of finding myself,I would be opening myself up to something I dont think I can handle. I can't handle my basic life, how in the world am I going to handle this on top of it.

I know I'm making things worse than what they are... But this is what I do mentally. I don't know if I'll ever break out of doing that to myself, its what I've always done. I'm boiling over right now.

[kittie60]

Hi Ashley, I was in the same situation as you. You are you no matter what. Like my doctor told me God.made you this way for a reason seek out some professional counseling.

[Shelly Preston]

Ashley,

Its hard to hide from who you are. I was once told no matter how hard you try, you can not ignore yourself.
You are not weird. How many would have expected to suddenly see Caitlyn Jenner given her history.

Try to find a local support group or a really good friend who can help you.
Have you considered that you may be more relaxed as once you know who you are it will be less to worry about.

:bh:

[pamela7]

Ashley,
I'm seriously worried by your Avatar sequence and what you say here. You need help/support/care/comfort.

xxx Pamela

[xNicolex]

Firstly your not weird its completely normal to feel a little abnormal about this. excepting yourself is always hard I spent 10 years suppressing my real self and never new how to cope with it, I became so bad I suffered panic attacks :eek: I had nobody to turn to no help to deal with the weird feelings I had, yes life was dismal to say the least, I hid it from everyone around me and was miserable for a decade before I came to except that I am normal. Just like everyone on this forum we are not social rejects we are advertisements for freedom of expression :battingeyelashes: there is nothing to feel shameful or embarrassed about everybody here has been in the same boat at least once. there are very few of us that except our crossdressing first time no questions asked but if you can except yourself then others will too. You are in a safe place here and you will find the support you need to handle this like I said before we're all in the same boat :hugs:

[Heidi Stevens]

Ashley, give yourself credit for going to a gender therapist. You some how knew that you needed help in finding yourself. The key to feeling comfortable with yourself is yourself. Ask the therapist what cues they are using to pick up on your personality and then spend some time by yourself and review the list. Self introspection is how I concluded I was transgendered, even before I had a gender therapist confirm it.
The therapist is right in saying that HRT may and should reduce the anxiety. You must have very strong traits of being transgendered for them to suggest HRT that soon.
Bottom line is you're not alone. With that many posts, you've seen the struggles of others here, but now it's your turn to help yourself. Continue therapy and see if you can resolve the inner battle by taking it slow and resolving your emotions with what you're doing every day naturally. Peace will come if you allow yourself to accept who you are.
Now set out to find the real you and be glad of who you are! Happy journeys.

[Ineke Vashon]

Your gender therapist may be good for discussing gender issues. However, if he, or she, can't help you with your present severe anxiety (have you told your therapist about this?) then perhaps you should consider switching to a therapist who can deal with your present issue, including your choice of avatar which tends to send a worrysome message.

Ineke

[MissDanielle]

I echo what all the others have said above. You're in a safe place amongst friends. We ladies are always here to listen.

[Amber42]

Ashley, please look deep inside yourself. See that you are a beautiful and good person inside. You may not see it all the time, but believe that your goodness is there. Nobody can take that away from you. You are not weird. You are not normal either....normal is only being able to see the world from one gender's eyes. You have been given a gift. That gift is to see the world from both gender's eyes. This 'power' is not fully understood by society...but you have it!

I too am disturbed by your avatar. Truly love yourself. If the path is to come out to your loved ones, do it with the knowledge that you are a good person and anyone who truly cares about you will understand and love you.

Please take care of yourself!

[Vivian Best]

Who told you you are weird? I'm transsexual and condemned myself much of my younger years until I realized it's OK to be the way I was born. God didn’t make you or me the way we are but He knew how we were going to be and He didn't interfere with us in the womb. You are fearful and wonderfully made according to the Bible. It's OK to be who and what you are. Everyone has issues we just don't see theirs as they don't see ours either. Granted we are not mainstream in what we are and what we do, however you don't now what things are going through other peoples head either.

Please don't torture yourself. Like one other girl mentioned; for goodness sake don't be like your avatar.

[IamWren]

Ashley I think it takes a lot of courage to open up like this to us… even here in this safe space. And it is. This is a safe space for you and all of us. The mods and the way this site is built give us quite a bit of security in expressing ourselves to the degree that we feel is ok.

I’ve been enamored with your look since I joined and first saw your pics. You are really quite beautiful in a girl-next-door sort of way. But we all know… beauty doesn’t come from our physical appearance, it comes from inside. I know it sounds cheesy but it does and you my dear… I’m sure are a fine human being with all your eccentricities, quirks, funny habits and everything else that we ALL have. We all have those “things” that we believe are odd.
Those odd “things” we do though don’t make “us”, the person odd. They make us human. That’s all.

As far as wearing girl clothes (which you do REALLY well) or maybe being trans and actually being a girl in a boy body…
Ashley dear… you’re not weird. You’re limited edition.

Big hugs and love from a sister.
Sayyidah ‘Sue’

253817

[Allison_CD]

Ashley,
I'm seriously worried by your Avatar sequence and what you say here. You need help/support/care/comfort.

xxx Pamela

I too am disturbed by your avatar. Your first step could be to exchange it. xx

[Amanda M]

Ashley. Dear lady, going to a therapist (and I am one!) is very scary. You are talking to a stranger, whose attitudes you do not know - about the very deepest things in your life.

It is hard to remember or to understand what your therapist said to you in your first brief encounter, and therefore, even if it did scare you, I want to encourage you to keep on.

Your anxiety?it is totally natural AND appropriate. Think of the word FEAR! That is worst case anxiety, short of terror! In fact, if you spell it out, it's like this:

F E A R - a False Anxiety Appearing Real! And that is what it is.

If you would like to talk to me, PM me. You have to understand that I cannot take you on as a client - my various affiliations forbid that sort of thing - but I can perhaps point you in the right direction to get the best help you can.

Finally. You are not weird or anything like that. You are simply a scared human being - but so, so valuable.

Big Hug,
Amanda and for information - ADHP (NC), DEH(NC), ECP, UKCP Reg.

[Victoria Demeanor]

Hi Ashley,
Full of confusion and turmoil, well yes I think I can understand and empathize with that. You weird? Okay well I’m going to go against the grain here and say….Yes, yes Ashley you are weird, but know I say that in a good way. I don’t think it is in anyway a terrible thing, but rather something that should be celebrated and embraced. Around my house we have a saying “weird works here”… I actually feel kind of sorry for those that follow the path society deems is “normal” so as not to stand out and to put all their energy into pleasing the norms and not themselves.
I believe you are higher on the TG spectrum then I, but I do have a history that gives me some good insight as to what you are going through. I can’t say that the world will get better, but my hope is that you do.
I am glad you have a therapist, but if you ever need to talk, you know a friendly ear, my door is open. I’m not sure where in VA you are, but if we’re close and you ever just want to get out and talk, just say the word.
Remember you do have friends here
Victoria D

[Ashley in Virginia]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts... I'm going to try and respond as best as I can from my cell phone...

My avatar is how I feel. I'm not going to actually set myself on fire, but truth be told, I can't stand this side of me right now. It causes me a ton of pain and aggravation that I cannot put into words at all.

I guess the concept of "weird" is subjective. I feel weird. Right now I don't see how I'm not weird. Normal people enjoy life and seem to not have these issues which shut their lives down. Right now I'm barely functioning. I go to work and come home. I rarely allow myself to dress because I feel like a Dumbass when I do it. However when I'm dressed that's when the noise stops and I get a small amount of peace. And washing it all off and putting it all away absolutely kills me.

I hate myself. I know that many of y'all don't get that, but its how I feel. I hate life right now, and while I know I'm living in a prison of my own making, I feel powerless to do anything about it.

I'm glad i went to the doctor. I know in my heart I need to deal with this problem I've been running from for 30 years. But I couldn't even bring myself to say the words crossdress or transexual yesterday. My anxiety had me freaking out for most of the visit. I could barely tell her about my normal life, let alone this side of me.

I don't know how much advice I need, I just need to know that I'm not alone in this. 90% of what I've read on this forum has been lollipops and unicorns. I often feel that I don't belong because that's not the experience I'm having with it at all. My experience is shame and self loathing followed with trying to suppress the need and the dysphoria I get from dumb shit like walking thru Target and how all of their women's items are in the front of the store.

[Teresa]

Ashley,
Please take a deep breath and think the situation isn't as bad as you imagine. Please see if you can meet the therapist without taking medication, I was faced with the same situation and was about to take antidepressants but decided not to because I didn't want to cloud my mind and give incorrect information , I'm glad I didn't because I didn't need them at all after the sessions.
I faced these gender questions in my sixties and I knew through my family commitments any life changing decisions were going to be hard.

I was totally honest with my counsellor and in the process produced my own gender diagram to work out where I thought I was, my counsellor found it very useful and agreed the I stop short of TS so I now accept that I'm TG or gender fluid. Yes accept that I am part female but not to the point where I hate my male body. As these facts became clearer I began to accept what I am and decided to try and be more open about it. The way I see it is whatever people think or say isn't going to change what is inside your brain. If you can become comfortable with that life starts to get easier, as I said I didn't need antidepressants because I only felt bad because of my own lack of acceptance .

Your therapist is there to help you, they have seen it all before so put yourself in their professional hands , be honest with them and hopefully you can work out the correct answers, try not to go in with too many assumptions, take one step at a time and take each hurdle in turn !

[MissDanielle]

Don't suppress as that will only make things worse.

[Stephanie47]

The therapist is a competent paid professional, who is there to render services. The therapist is not there to make judgements concerning your lifestyle or medical issues. Your post strongly suggests you should go to counseling.

[Ashley in Virginia]

Ashley,
Please take a deep breath and think the situation isn't as bad as you imagine. Please see if you can meet the therapist without taking medication

I'm not on medication of any sort. I've tried antidepressants, but they just made me a smiling idiot. I looked better to others, but my head was just cloudy and I couldn't think clearly. I'd rather be miserable with what I'm feeling than to feel nothing at all.


The therapist is a competent paid professional, who is there to render services. The therapist is not there to make judgements concerning your lifestyle or medical issues. Your post strongly suggests you should go to counseling.

I'm not sure, maybe my terminology isn't right... I'm using "doctor" and "therapist" in the same meaning. I'm not following what you mean by saying I need counseling. I thought I'm already getting that?...

[CindyB]

Hey sweetie! Just know you're loved and accepted by us. Let us know whatever we can do to help.

Hugs!
CindyB

[Tracii G]

We accept you as you are and we all care about you just remember that.

[PaulaQ]

My avatar is how I feel. I'm not going to actually set myself on fire, but truth be told, I can't stand this side of me right now. It causes me a ton of pain and aggravation that I cannot put into words at all.

I guess the concept of "weird" is subjective. I feel weird. Right now I don't see how I'm not weird. Normal people enjoy life and seem to not have these issues which shut their lives down. Right now I'm barely functioning. I go to work and come home. I rarely allow myself to dress because I feel like a Dumbass when I do it. However when I'm dressed that's when the noise stops and I get a small amount of peace. And washing it all off and putting it all away absolutely kills me.

There are no "normal" people. "Normal" people have created multiple ways to destroy all human life on earth. "Normal" people are willing to ignore horrendous injustice and cruelty in order to assure relatively modest comforts for themselves. "Normal" people often live in conformity, and fear, and lack any shred of authenticity. "Normal" people do what they are supposed to do - even if it's outcome is horrific. "Normal" people buy things they don't need or really even want, drink, drug, and do many other self-destructive things to fill a hole inside of themselves caused by their lack of authenticity - they sacrifice who they really are, and what they want to do in order to fit in.

I have no desire to be a "normal" person. The only difference between you, me, and them, is that we don't have the luxury of avoiding who we really are in the same ways they do. (Most of us try, but we fail.) It's a tough break, but then again, we don't have to be like they are. We can be real.


I hate myself. I know that many of y'all don't get that, but its how I feel. I hate life right now, and while I know I'm living in a prison of my own making, I feel powerless to do anything about it.

I just need to know that I'm not alone in this. 90% of what I've read on this forum has been lollipops and unicorns. I often feel that I don't belong because that's not the experience I'm having with it at all. My experience is shame and self loathing followed with trying to suppress the need and the dysphoria I get from dumb shit like walking thru Target and how all of their women's items are in the front of the store.

I related to everything you are saying, and more, before I started my transition. (I have lots of threads from 2013 about this.) I'd attempted suicide once, and I hated what I was. I realized, though, that my life as a man was mostly all a lie. As I've transitioned, I left that life behind, and realized that I didn't hate myself - I hated the lie I created to hide behind. As I've transitioned, I've found that I like my life now, and I love who I am. I have a richer life, a life where I've had more experiences than I've had in the 50 years prior to my transition. So all I can really tell you is to hang in there, do what you know you need to do, and know that you aren't alone, and that it does get better. Oh, and keep seeing your therapist. The hardest, and most crucial, part of transition, in my opinion, is dealing with the stuff inside of you - your emotions.


I've tried antidepressants, but they just made me a smiling idiot.

Yeah, antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications did NOTHING for me. HRT made me feel better within a couple of weeks, and after 2-3 months, I felt pretty normal. And that was weird - because I never knew what normal felt like. 2.5 years after starting transition, I feel really normal. I mean really normal. I'm just some woman, really, nothing special.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I wonder if the therapist talking about hormones at the first visit is going too fast, way too fast.

I went to several therapists for several years before I could come to terms with myself.

However, the third therapist I went to told me I was gay at our first session. She put it like this, "You're gay, you're definitely gay, but don't worry about it. It's OK to be gay." This really thru me for a loop. But, ans an engineer, I ran an experiment. If I was gay, I should be attracted to men, physically. since I went to the gym 3 to 4 times a week, I kind of looked around the locker room to see if I was physically attracted to any of the men. The thought of it just grossed me out. The only reason I stayed with this therapist for a few months was that I always went dressed after the first session, and she gave me a lot of positive affirmations.

But that aside, she just wasn't a good therapist. I told the next therapist about this gay idea after several visits, and she said I didn't show any indications of being gay, and no one could tell after 50 minutes anyhow.

You may want to seek out another therapist.

[OCCarly]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts... I'm going to try and respond as best as I can from my cell phone...

I guess the concept of "weird" is subjective. I feel weird. Right now I don't see how I'm not weird. Normal people enjoy life and seem to not have these issues which shut their lives down. Right now I'm barely functioning. I go to work and come home. I rarely allow myself to dress because I feel like a Dumbass when I do it. However when I'm dressed that's when the noise stops and I get a small amount of peace. And washing it all off and putting it all away absolutely kills me.

I hate myself. I know that many of y'all don't get that, but its how I feel. I hate life right now, and while I know I'm living in a prison of my own making, I feel powerless to do anything about it.

I'm glad i went to the doctor. I know in my heart I need to deal with this problem I've been running from for 30 years. But I couldn't even bring myself to say the words crossdress or transexual yesterday. My anxiety had me freaking out for most of the visit. I could barely tell her about my normal life, let alone this side of me.

I don't know how much advice I need, I just need to know that I'm not alone in this. 90% of what I've read on this forum has been lollipops and unicorns. I often feel that I don't belong because that's not the experience I'm having with it at all. My experience is shame and self loathing followed with trying to suppress the need and the dysphoria I get from dumb shit like walking thru Target and how all of their women's items are in the front of the store.

No, it is not all lollipops and unicorns, at least not for me. You really need to properly address the source of your bad feelings and anxiety. We are born this way, but we are not born feeling shame and guilt about it. That crap gets loaded into our heads by our parents, our peers, and negative social interactions with strangers.

That's where all the self hatred comes from. I know it may sound trite to say forget about all of that, but at least, do not let the negative words of others control your feelings.

And most important, don't be afraid to fall in love with the girl in the mirror.

[Jamiegirl1]

Hi Ashley, I can sooo relate to you. I am 57 and married,I have been crossdressing for years and finally am trying to make an appointment with a gender therapist about how I feel. I am always thinking about being feminine,I can't walk in to any store or picking up a sales catalog without going to the women's section, when I am with my wife it is torture to not look at the women's things...she knows I dress, just not at home and wants nothing to do with it... I recently retired and have very little time to dress anymore and now I have feelings of wanting to maybe become a fulltime crossdresser, the feelings have gotten alot stronger the older I become...I get so anxious/ depressed/ angry sometimes that I am not a normal person, I love the fem side of me but am soooo scared of becoming a fulltime woman, like you said, basic life is hard enough without adding this,the thought of losing friends and family scares the hell out of me, but the fem feelings just keep getting stronger, hang in there and message me anytime, Jamie

[Jacqueline StGermain]

I think you need to see a different therapist.
I went to one for 2 years, I started HRT , lost my job and couldn't afford it any longer. And at my age, the effects are minimal anyway.
The comment about the hormones is suspect, they affect everyone differently, in genetic women taking hormone REPLACEMENT therapy, it's to restore their natural balance, everyone I know taking hormones to transition has pretty much had the opposite effect (possibly the dosage), made them very moody. Me included.
I'm rather new to this group, but many girls here have experience with what you're dealing with, even though your therapist is supposedly trained in gender therapy ( I'm guessing) how much and to what degree is important.
Many of the girls on this site have said they are here for you. They LIVE what you're going through,
I don't think your therapist is CD or TS?
Why be normal? You can never be what society and the media feed you as "normal", it's not weird either
Find a balance and take it from there, take some time to figure it out, see if there is a group in your area,
I was in a nationwide group called Tri-Ess, might want to see if they have a chapter near you, or can point you to one.

[Teresa]

Jamie,
I had two sessions of counselling they were both referrals from my GP, the first was to go back over the problems I had when i nearly ended my life, She wasn't a gender counsellor but was very good at getting me to open up face facts and believe in who I am. On of the important things she tried to change was don't fill your head with assumptions, your brain just tail chases because it assumes what people think. My big hurdle was whether to tell my son or not, because the fear was that if he knew would he cut me off from my grandsons. I went ahead and did it , it was like a breath of fresh air , he was OK about it and even told his wife which was a big surprise. It took a huge weight off my wife's shoulders and I felt that the total me was being accepted. My counsellor was so pleased that I'd finally broken the destructive cycle in my mind .

My second counsellor was a gender therapist, this time I needed to get to the bottom of my feelings and where I was on the gender spectrum. She worked for Relate, their main objective is to get couples back on track if possible, as usual I hit the wall with my wife refusing to attend. This time I'd thought it through and wrote everything down in an unbiased way , also I devised a gender sheet working from male to female, plotting my situation on it . I found this very useful as it became clearer that I wasn't TS but TG/gender fluid, finally I realised that this sheet wouldn't make sense unless I wrote down how my CDing started . I showed this to my counsellor, she took it away to discuss it with the rest of the group and came back with praise for the gender sheet , they hadn't seen it laid out in that way and found it very useful. She had no problems with the contents so I knew I had something valid to show my wife to compensate for her refusing to attend joint counselling.
She did eventually read the summary sheet but it was enough for her to realise how much my CDing meant to me and what my needs were, we talked calmly and I asked her could she live with my needs, if not to be fair to both of us it might be better to consider separation , initially she jumped up and grabbed a coat and said I'm off !
I took her calmly by the arms , sat her down and told this is going to do no one any good , if it's got to happen it's going to take time and some sorting out. We gradually began to accept it and things actually became easier, the penny began to drop with her as to what she could be losing , I began to feel deep hurt thinking about losing contact with my grandchildren, it also meant I would be leaving the load on her to do all the explaining to family and friends, besides I have an 86 year old mother to think about and she would have been very upset if we split up.
The outcome is I said I would stay, my wife is much happier I made it clear that I wanted time to be Teresa if I wished but no one was excluded from that if they wished. I will admit it's a compromise but that's life, nothing is perfect !

.

[carrie001]

In my opinion, the very first thing you should do is understand you're not a weirdo. As hard as it may be, please stop being so hard on yourself! We've all been in that place that makes us question if who we are is wrong, and the answer is always no.

love and hope for you!

[ClosetED]

I understand what is going through your mind, but you are seeing things based on what society has pushed as "normal" behavior for current times. In 1700's, men wore the silk stockings and had wigs. The first step is to accept that you are you and a nice person to others. How others percieve you (male or female) is their issue and you are more impacted by your expectations of what they had percieved in the past. It is easier to transition with a new group who do not share that past perception, but that is hard. And so is getting others to see the real you, the person under the clothes that don't fit their prior experience, but that will change over time. Some may be happy with leading a double life, and keeping their feminine presentation separate from the outside world that knows only the male presentation. You hate having to do this and want to keep to one presentation. First be comfortable that you are a decent person who is not harming anyone and only impacting those who are rigid in their views of what other people are allowed to do to themselves, as if they control your life. You have been on this site for over 10 years, so take advantage of this wonderful collection of accepting people to be your support while you work on slowly changing the expectations of those physically around you to what you desire them to see of you. You look so natural, it won't be hard for strangers to accept you as you wish.
I see a therapist, but mostly to deal with the stress of wife hating my part time crossdressing, which I accept as a valid part of me and I am proud of how well I can appear - and you do it better than I.
Hugs, Ellen

[S. Lisa Smith]

I hope things are getting better for you!!!!!

[Anita Lynn]

I cant say anything that hasn't already been covered.
But I will say this.
I care about you as a person, as a sister.
I have a hard enough time coming up with wrong answers let alone right ones so I can't answer questions.
But I'm a good listener.
And that's one of the things this forum is about.
It's a great form of support and I find it a little therapeutic.
Anyways, if your strong enough to put on a dress and post pics (and great ones at that) then you're strong enough to get through this.
I went through a milder form of this and therapy didn't help much with the gender issues, Being in the ARMY for most of the 80's I had to find other means of dealing with it, but I did, as will you.
I have faith in you.
I believe in you.
You are strong enough to get through this.

[Ashley in Virginia]

Thanks everyone, I figured I'd pop in for an update... And it's going to be non coherent and probably misunderstood but please let me open up without too much judgement.

I got the letter for hormones from the therapist and made an appointment with the endocrinologist for Feb 9. I am seeing the therapist again at the first of January and hopefully it goes better than the last time.

My head is swimming in thoughts that I can't quite put together. I don't know whether I should allow myself to be excited or happy about all of this. I mean, this is nuts and I don't know what's going to happen or how this will turn out. Should I be happy that I'm finally trying something?...

I'm freaking out about what all this will entail. How long can I be on hormones without anyone noticing?... Do I want people to notice?... I don't want people to notice me in my everyday life, is that because of my gender problems or because of my other social anxiety issues?... What will I say if they do?... I still can't seem to say it to myself... Maybe I'm scared to actually take responsibility for myself and deal with it?...

And what happens if it doesn't work?.... Whats my next move?... Do I have one?


I feel like whatever I'm going to do its going to be wrong. And I know that's because I'm just stuck in that line of thinking and I need to work on my depression issues, but that's how I feel right now. Inaction will keep me just like I am... Doing something to pursue this is a huge unknown and I'm making myself sick worrying over it.

I'm screwed.

[S. Lisa Smith]

I hope that you will continue to see the therapist, get started on the hormones and continue moving forward!!! I wish you peace and happiness!!

[AlleyKat]

One thing that helps me in situations like that is to honestly look at the problem, at what you can do about it before January, and what you can accomplish by worrying about it. Then each time it starts to come up do it again. Eventually your brain will get the hint and when the thought comes up it'll pass a little easier. It's not perfect, but it helps.

[debstar]

OK.. going to provide a virtual slap here.

i personally know all to well all about anxiety and depression and can tell you that if that is where your head is now you are not best placed to make good decisions as serious as hormones in the hope that it will fix you.

Unless you are leaving out a lot of details regarding your Doctor ( and I mean General Practitioner) out then I feel you should get on different meds if the ones you have been taking leave you feeling flat.

Mine make me a little flat but that is the best thing in the world compared to a persistent feeling of the ground opening up and swallowing me whole, or checking my self in to hospitals convinced I was having a heart attack, or completely having melt downs at work and risking my job and life.

Sure perhaps it will end up that these feelings are a result of gender issues, but why not be able to make informed decisions?

And have others have mentioned for the love of god please can you change your avatar, it's personalty disturbing for reasons I will not go in to here.


Debs.

[donnalee]

Of course you're scared. You are moving from what you know and have lived with for decades into the great unknown. There are many instances of people locked up for years who commit crimes when released in order to get back to what is familiar to them, no matter how oppressive.
Courage is the ability to move ahead despite your fear, not the lack of fear. Just keep in mind that the only way to resolve your dilemma is to move forward.

[Mayo]

I understand some of your fear and anxiety. I've always feared certain things and will go to great lengths to avoid them even though they're actually quite trivial - to give one example, I'll spend hours feeling horribly nauseous due to a fear that I might vomit, and yet I feel so much better after I actually do, but that objective knowledge still doesn't help me the next time it happens. I'm intellectually fine with crossdressing, being under the TG umbrella and bisexual, and I don't think I'm any weirder than most other people (just in a different way), but that doesn't prevent the emotional stress at the thought of being seen by others as unconventional in gender presentation. I've bought a few clothing items in stores but I generally avoid doing so and go mail order instead because of the shame I feel. The thought that I might want to completely transition some day truly frightens me, not because of the gender change itself but all of the social ramifications and the attendant anxiety, so I don't really think about it and have stopped for a breather at CD/genderfluid.

That said, if I ever did decide to go the whole way, I'd definitely be going for counselling, building up a support group and working on my anxiety, either with drugs or cognitive-behavioural therapy or both.


[My meds] make me a little flat but that is the best thing in the world compared to a persistent feeling of the ground opening up and swallowing me whole, or checking my self in to hospitals convinced I was having a heart attack, or completely having melt downs at work and risking my job and life.
Everybody reacts somewhat differently to medications. I took Zolofft (a SSRI) for several years at low to moderate doses and it flattened my affect as well, but that was a vast improvement compared to the depression and anxiety I was feeling otherwise. I wasn't experiencing a lot of 'highs' so having them reduced a bit didn't bother me whereas minimizing the lows helped a great deal. I've known several people who reacted terribly to Xanax. You can try several different ones for a month at a time (not all at once! :) ) and see which works best for you.

[Stephanie47]

I'm not sure, maybe my terminology isn't right... I'm using "doctor" and "therapist" in the same meaning. I'm not following what you mean by saying I need counseling. I thought I'm already getting that?...

I was implying you need to "continue" counseling based on how you describe yourself.

[Alisonforme]

One of the first steps to a positive mindset is to stop the negative language about yourself. You're not weird and you shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed. Look at how many of us are here on this website! You are far from alone. And there is nothing wrong with you. Whatever level you are at is perfectly natural and while you may not want to share it with the world, you should accept it within yourself.

This is a great site with a lot of support, a lot of good advice, and a lot of different perspectives.

Feel at peace sister. Peace of mind counts more than anything and accepting your self for who you are is big part of that.

[AlleyKat]

Alison-
That was beautifully stated and something I think we should all hear from time to time.

[Sandra]

And have others have mentioned for the love of god please can you change your avatar, it's personalty disturbing for reasons I will not go in to here.
Debs.

Right Ashley has replied to posts about her avatar already, she has had the same avatar for as long as I can remember so lets drop the subject now please...any more posts about this matter will be deleted.


Ashley I hope things improve and please always remember we are here for you :hugs:

[ReineD]

I rarely allow myself to dress because I feel like a Dumbass when I do it.

I'm really sorry you feel that way.

Do you enjoy your appearance when you are dressed? Is there anything you might change to improve it, and if so, what is it.

[PaulaQ]

Ashley, get on hormones ASAP. There is a good chance you'll see no improvement on depression social anxiety until you get on HRT, start transition. There is no guarantee this will solve all your problems. A lot of us have social anxiety post transition. You may or may not. I know this is a struggle.

You also need to make a plan for your transition.

[Ashley in Virginia]

I'm stuck waiting till Feb for my endo appointment. It's going to be a long 2 months... I'm not sure how to settle down between now and then. I do see the therapist again in January, hopefully that will help.

You are right about getting a plan together. Right now I'm spinning my tires in what ifs and maybes...





I'm really sorry you feel that way.

Do you enjoy your appearance when you are dressed? Is there anything you might change to improve it, and if so, what is it.

I don't care for my appearance much at all. I'm an ugly guy, and not much better looking woman. I do get relief, dressing is calming.... But I don't say I enjoy it, it's a compulsion. I feel like a dumbass doing it because it doesn't make sense to me at all. Maybe I don't allow myself to enjoy it?...




One of the first steps to a positive mindset is to stop the negative language about yourself. You're not weird and you shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed. Look at how many of us are here on this website! You are far from alone. And there is nothing wrong with you. Whatever level you are at is perfectly natural and while you may not want to share it with the world, you should accept it within yourself.

This is a great site with a lot of support, a lot of good advice, and a lot of different perspectives.

Feel at peace sister. Peace of mind counts more than anything and accepting your self for who you are is big part of that.

I've never accepted myself for anything positive. I don't know how to. There not much positive to say, I'm living a lie. Every day I wake up and I feel like a liar. Lying to myself about who I am, lying to the world about who I am... I've been trying forever to be someone I can't be. I'm a miserable jerk.

I know I've made the right step forward, and its a long road ahead. But right now this is how I'm feeling.

[steftoday]

Did you see my PM, Ashley?
January will be here before you know it. February right behind it.
The holidays will be here in a flash. Less than three weeks til Christmas.
Hang in there and keep talking.

[Kevyn53]

Ashley, EVERYBODY IS WIERD!!! Normal is a fiction. One of the things that I finally got is that all of the fear and nervousness is in my head. I found something called ACT, Acceptance Commitment Therapy. The book I got is "Get Out of Your Mind and into Your Life." The idea is that 100% of all our anxieties are all in our heads and ACT helps get it out and accept them and find a way to move on without judgement. Ask your therapist if they know about ACT.

[HelenR2]

Ashley, get on hormones ASAP
I love it when Americans say things like this. In Britain this can take two or three years between your first Doctor's visit and actually being prescribed hormones, and medical insurance doesn't cover any transgender treatment.

[Beverley Sims]

I hope the overwhelming experience settles down and you get a sense of peace within yourself from future visits.

[IamWren]

I don't care for my appearance much at all. I'm an ugly guy, and not much better looking woman.
Holy crap are you serious? I certainly don't know what you look like as a dude but I've seen your pics when you're dressed as a girl. I hope I don't embarrass you by saying this but I think it's safe to say (and I bet many here would agree) that you make a VERY attractive woman. I mean you're like girl-next-door, Marianne-from-Gilligan's-Island, can't-put-my-finger-on-it, know-it-when-I-see-it, empirically...

really good looking when you dress. And I'm not just saying that to make you feel good.

But hey... you know, looks fade. We get old.... erm, older. :) But looks, that's not what's important. What's important is happiness and friendships. Know that you have friends here and who will listen.

I'm looking forward to seeing you in the new year. I'm looking forward to seeing the posts you write where you've made it to the other side. I'm looking forward to seeing you happy and I know it will happen.

[ReineD]

Ashley, you're seeing an endo for HRT.

Not sure what the procedures are in your state or even anywhere, but someone I respect in the TS section once mentioned that it's a good idea to see a gender therapist who won't automatically suggest HRT to see if it will calm down your anxiety, but who instead will first rule out any comorbitity (the simultaneous presence of other conditions, for example depression or general anxiety) before giving the OK for HRT. There are good reasons for this. One, you want any other condition to be taken care of before you begin transition (other conditions don't necessarily go away once a person transitions and can in fact complicate things) and two, taking care of other conditions might help you see a clearer picture with regard to your gender identity. If the decision to start HRT right away is putting you in a tailspin, you might want to see someone who has a more holistic approach. Listen to your gut feelings.

I don't know if you've revisited your past threads. It might be a good idea to take a few moments and track back through your timeline. You can gain some insight there too.

I'd be wary of the "you go girl" advice here. You need to follow your own path.

[PaulaQ]

TS section once mentioned that it's a good idea to see a gender therapist who won't automatically suggest HRT to see if it will calm down your anxiety, but who instead will first rule out any comorbitity (the simultaneous presence of other conditions, for example depression or general anxiety) before giving the OK for HRT.

This is not good advice, really, in my opinion. It's exceedingly difficult to tell the difference between depression and anxiety that are gender related, and clinical depression and anxiety. This approach, by my first therapist, nearly killed me. I waited months and months to see if antianxiety / antidepressant medications would help. They didn't. I attempted suicide. We waited longer - you know - just to be sure, to give the medications more time to work. I very nearly didn't get a letter from that first therapist. If I hadn't, I'd have started with a new therapist in Dallas, and gotten a letter through her - if I'd lived that long. Really, by the time I started, I was barely holding on. A couple of weeks later after starting HRT, I felt substantially better, and after a couple of months, I was fine. I talked to the doctor, weaned myself off of the antidepressant / antianxiety medications, and continued to be fine. (Fine meaning "I was no longer actively suicidal.")

The comorbidities they need to look for are ones that directly affect your identity - multiple personalities, untreated schizophrenia, generally things that so profoundly affect your mind that you can't really give informed consent. Comorbidities of this sort make treating GD really tough. There aren't a lot of doctors here in this state anyway who'd touch a patient like that. If you are sufficiently mentally ill, and have GD, your chances aren't good here in Texas. I've seen some sad, sad situations. This type of mental illness is pretty rare though.

[crobeson96]

Ashley - You've got a plan, a series of appointments, a way to proceed forward. The girls here will support you and respond to you while you wait on the next appointment.
Please, Please, Please - Respond to other people's posts, too, while you wait. Your experience is helpful here, your perspective is helpful, you have wisdom and intelligence that other girls here need. Just share and talk to us.
The times in life I've been most conflicted, one of the best ways to respond was to set my worries on a shelf somewhere and go help someone else. Church, soup kitchen, sorting clothes at Goodwill - they all need help you can provide. The time will fly until your next step.

[AlleyKat]

wether you try hrt first or not, you know it is an option with the therapist you have. If you don't feel ready, talk to them and ask if there is something else to try. And if those other treatments aren't working, you know you have a back up plan.

The other thing that helps me in the interim is talking to a friend in the know, but talk about anything else. It helps with the feeling of being alone, and gets your mind out of the trench for a while. And like has been stated before, you've got fam here. I doubt very much anyone on this thread would be upset about taking some time to respond to a pm if you needed to talk one on one.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I hope the different perspectives here have given you some food for thought Ashley.

PaulaQ's advice is true for her, for her experience, but my instinct is with ReineD - that if you can possibly bear to, try to deal with your other emotional issues, with therapy and/or medication, before taking the radical step of HRT. Such important decisions are best made from a place of stability and posivity.

Because the crossdressing is so physically visible you focus strongly on it as evidence of your weirdness, yet to every one of us on this forum, the crossdressing itself, and your physical appearance when dressed, aren't weird at all. You may still feel weird despite our votes to the contrary, but look at what you're saying- one member at least has told you clearly that they find you very attractive when crossdressed, and the rest of us certainly think of you as 'one of the crowd', so please at least give us the benefit of the doubt and downgrade the 'weird' to 'kinda different', otherwise you're in effect saying we're all weird.

Like some others here, I question the wisdom of your present therapist. My own experiences with therapists have largely been positive, but I've read some horror stories here: there are people out there working as therapists who have no earthly right to be let loose on another human being. I'm not suggesting yours is on that level of incompetence, or even that they're necessarily wrong in their assessment of you, but it's something to bear in mind. At least consider seeing another, qualified in gender dysphoria and related issues, before putting all your money on one horse.

As for your self-negativity, which has disturbed some here, I'm fine with you describing yourself in whatever terms you like and see it as simple honesty. You communicate clearly and don't pussyfoot around. Your life is a very tough place, and you are locked in a fierce struggle. But you have come here, where you are among very sympathetic friends, and to have taken that step suggests you see a glimmer of hope, however small.

You've been responding as this thread has gone along and I very much hope you continue to do so, as you have a lot of us very concerned for you. It's hard only to be able to comfort and support you via a keyboard and a screen, but we will continue to do the best we can.

Count me among the many here who wish you the best of luck and all the good things you would wish for yourself.

Hugs, Nikki

[Ashley in Virginia]

Ashley, you're seeing an endo for HRT.

Not sure what the procedures are in your state or even anywhere, but someone I respect in the TS section once mentioned that it's a good idea to see a gender therapist who won't automatically suggest HRT to see if it will calm down your anxiety, but who instead will first rule out any comorbitity (the simultaneous presence of other conditions, for example depression or general anxiety) before giving the OK for HRT. There are good reasons for this. One, you want any other condition to be taken care of before you begin transition (other conditions don't necessarily go away once a person transitions and can in fact complicate things) and two, taking care of other conditions might help you see a clearer picture with regard to your gender identity. If the decision to start HRT right away is putting you in a tailspin, you might want to see someone who has a more holistic approach. Listen to your gut feelings.

I don't know if you've revisited your past threads. It might be a good idea to take a few moments and track back through your timeline. You can gain some insight there too.

I'd be wary of the "you go girl" advice here. You need to follow your own path.

I've revisited my old threads. I've always been uncomfortable with who I am. It's never been just cross dressing.... I tried to fit into things here at first, but as time has gone on, I've found myself on the outside looking in. And for the last few years I've just posted threads in the picture forum, I guess to satiate my own vanity and get some kind of selfish validation.

I've tried antidepressants, they did nothing to stop the compulsion to crossdress (not that they are supposed to, but a person can wish). I can't quite describe how I felt on them... They did keep me from killing myself, which is a positive I guess. But that's about all they did. I still didn't feel comfortable, I just felt blah.

HRT isn't the worst thing in the world. My understanding is that, if it isn't what I need, I'll find out fairly quickly. And most changes are reversible if I stop soon enough. I am not married or dating. Aside from my 2 daughters, I have absolutely no family to come out to (they are long dead) and I have no friends to speak of. At this point I'm a ghost.... I have nothing to lose really. If I had guts I would have just killed myself a long time ago. My kids are the only reason I'm willing to try this because they need someone to be around for them... Even if it is their weird transitioning dad.





Because the crossdressing is so physically visible you focus strongly on it as evidence of your weirdness, yet to every one of us on this forum, the crossdressing itself, and your physical appearance when dressed, aren't weird at all. You may still feel weird despite our votes to the contrary, but look at what you're saying- one member at least has told you clearly that they find you very attractive when crossdressed, and the rest of us certainly think of you as 'one of the crowd', so please at least give us the benefit of the doubt and downgrade the 'weird' to 'kinda different', otherwise you're in effect saying we're all weird.

Hugs, Nikki

Thanks for the thoughts...

I don't want anyone to take offence at my use of the word "weird".... Weird is a relative term... What's weird to me isn't weird to you... I don't know how to express myself differently. I'm open to suggestions.


I just want some peace. It shouldn't be this hard to be happy.

[Demi88]

An idle mind may be the root of things not good. I find it valuable to focus on a mission to accomplish something of which I can take pride or just have fun with. My mission can be a hobby, charity or job. The list of possibilities is long. I would love to travel abroad. To a friendly country. I've entertained the idea of backpacking there as many people do on the cheap. I find it interesting that first world people generally seem less satisfied, less accepting and less friendly than some third world nation's people.

[PaulaQ]

PaulaQ's advice is true for her, for her experience, but my instinct is with ReineD - that if you can possibly bear to, try to deal with your other emotional issues, with therapy and/or medication, before taking the radical step of HRT. Such important decisions are best made from a place of stability and posivity.

It's nice you have an opinion. You are, unfortunately, incorrect, but it's nice that as a CD who's never apparently experienced really chronic gender dysphoria, and suicidal ideation resulting from it that you feel well positioned to give advice. I lead a trans support / outreach organization, and have seen trans people who responded very well and very rapidly to HRT. More to the point, I know all of the local gender therapists in this area. NONE of them would take the approach you like, trying to make sure the trans person isn't clinically depressed. I'm serious when I tell you that you can't so easily figure out if some of us are depressed because of GD, or have depression in addition to GD. Anyway, this would not be my first rodeo, hon.

I know quite a few trans people who benefitted in the same way I did in terms of anxiety and depression from starting HRT. This isn't universal, of course, but waiting for someone who needs HRT to not be depressed is simply *not* going to happen - that's the problem with that approach. How long should we wait then? Six months? A year? Forever if they never cheer up? It's entirely possible that someone on HRT may also need anti-depressants. I've seen that too. But waiting to start HRT until someone isn't depressed is extremely dangerous, because believe me, many of us wouldn't transition if anti-depressants would cure the underlying symptoms we face.

BTW, your post also sort of implies that you think gender therapists are really common. They aren't. Finding one in some areas is a major challenge. I know of about 10 here in the DFW area, one of the largest metropolitan areas in the US. Finding them takes knowing someone who can recommend them to you. Basically none of the other therapists or medical practitioners in this area, unless you happen across one who happens to be willing to treat trans patients, can give you a recommendation for a competent gender therapist. (Helping people find such resources is one of the things I do.)


I find it valuable to focus on a mission to accomplish something of which I can take pride or just have fun with. My mission can be a hobby, charity or job. The list of possibilities is long. I would love to travel abroad.

Thank you for playing too! But most of us have tried this, and eventually we reach a point where it is no longer possible to distract ourselves from our gender dysphoria. I tried it with drugs, alcohol, and then working 80 weeks after I sobered. Eventually, this stuff gets some of us.

[ReineD]

HRT isn't the worst thing in the world.

No, of course it isn't. I took my cues from the feelings you described in your OP: "being more stressed out, feelings of terror, scared sh*tless, anxious, nerves shot, and feeling you cannot handle the shame and embarrassment" of having people see your physical changes. And so it appeared as if you might not feel ready to start HRT.

But, if you and your therapist don't want to rule out any comorbidity and you want to try out HRT just to see if it is right for you, then so be it. All the information I get about this sort of thing, comes from transitioned TSs in the TS section.

Good luck!

[PaulaQ]

I really don't know of any therapists of any repute who work from anything other than an "informed consent" model. The ones who don't, I've observed tend to be looking to milk the trans person out of about six months of therapy bills. I wish I was making this up, but I'm not.

In an informed consent model, the therapist looks for comorbidities that affect your very identity, or impair your mind to such an extent that you can't really give informed consent, i.e. "6 out of 10 of the voices in my head say I'm a woman!!!" (Not making that up either. I've encountered this before.)

As much as I respect the other, already transitioned TSs in the TS section, many of them went through the older model that involved months of generally pointless therapy so that the therapist could reach the same conclusion you did on day one when you told her "Hey, hormones, gimme!" It's not that gender therapy is pointless, far from it. It's incredibly useful, and I'd highly recommend anyone in transition pursue it FAR longer than what you need to just get hormones. (Here in Dallas, it takes two to three sessions with a gender therapist to get a letter, provided YOU are able to ask for it.) The informed consent model is consistent with the WPATH SOC.

The general objection to this model is "Oh. My. God... What. If. You. Make. A. MISTAKE?!?!?!?! You'll destroy your life! Transition is the worst thing evah! BE SURE!"

To which I say: "meh. It's not so bad. Beats a dirt nap, and if it doesn't, hey, the big nowhere is still an option."

Look, transition is a slow process. I've gone really fast compared to most people I know locally, and I'm pushing 3 years from the time I came out to myself. (And I'm still undergoing electrolysis.) Hormones are highly effective on me (yay!) and I took a LOT of them. And still, it took half a year before anyone really noticed changes in me, and about 18 months before I could show people my "before" picture and have them go "who's that?" My point is that someone has time to figure this out. And again, trying to figure out if someone with SEVERE gender dysphoria is depressed because of a serotonin or other neurochemical imbalance in the brain, or they are depressed because they lack female hormones and are flooded with testosterone, and it's making them feel AWFUL, or they are depressed because life as a man is no longer tolerable, or all of the above, is not very realistic. The goal of a gender therapist IS NOT to prove or disprove you are trans. The therapist can't read your mind and has no way to know for sure. Making someone wait because they are depressed is a form of gate keeping, and gate keeping systems for gender are terrible. (For example, when I started thinking about transition, back in '81, if you were queer, you could freaking forget getting HRT. Back then, you'd better like men. All that, thanks to the cisnormative, heteronormative gate keepers.)

The people who want you to prove, for sure, that you are trans before taking a hormone are typically:
1. Your spouse, who likely sees HRT as the point of no return and is terrified of them.
2. People who think like your spouse. (I realize you don't actually have a spouse.)

I don't mean to pick on our spouses - transition is really hard on them, and ends the relationship with high frequency. However, what I say about HRT being the end of the line for many is what I've observed in NUMEROUS other relationships between cis and trans people. (Not mine - my relationship ended before I ever took a hormone.) I have a great deal of sympathy for spouses of trans women. The prospect that they will wake up one day and find that they are a straight woman in a lesbian relationship is pretty frightening to many women. I don't blame them. What I am saying is that they frequently overestimate how quickly HRT alone will change us. It takes a while, in the absolute best case. A typical case is more like 9-12 months, although you never know how you'll be affected until you start HRT. Some people go fast like I did, others are FAR slower - I know women who've been on hormones 5 years who don't pass well. (In their case, they'll need a lot of surgery to pass.)

Anyway Ashley, hang in there. If you are trans, you will enjoy the physical changes that happen to you. Other people will think what they think. My best advice to you in that regard is for you to find a larger city that is trans affirming, and has a decent trans population and local support, and move there if it is at all possible for you to do. It's possible to transition in a rural or small-town type environment in a red state, but it probably won't be a nice experience.

[Ashley in Virginia]

I don't know if I'm ready or not. My goal when I went to see a gender therapist was to get therapy. I figured it would be a few visits before we even considered medical treatment of this. I didn't even consider hormones to be an option for me before I visited her.

But when I sat down, and we started talking, and I had a panic attack because I couldn't even start speaking about this, I felt completely helpless. I have never felt so out of control in my life. At that point it's pretty clear that something more is wrong than just being a crossdresser who can't balance it. And that's what I always thought I was. I never considered I might be a transexual. I never allowed myself to sit and think about what's actually going on.

This thread has been very cathartic for me in that regard. I've expressed things in the last couple of weeks that I've never actually said before. I still don't think I'll be able to say them to my therapist, because I'm ashamed of it still. Shame is the biggest driver of my problems. I'm ashamed of who I am... I'm ashamed of what I feel. I just want to be like everyone else seems to be.

If HRT helps my mental state, then I'll figure out the rest with my therapist. If it doesn't then hopefully my therapist knows something else to try. I'm putting all of my eggs in her basket. I can't do it alone and I honestly don't think that right now I can tell anyone else about this without freaking out again. Hell, I freak out a bit every time I reply to this thread.

[PaulaQ]

There is nothing to be ashamed of, Ashley. Talk to your therapist. She isn't going to push hormones down your throat. If you feel you are a woman, and feel they will help you, try them. There really is no shame in any of this.

As for feeling helpless, yup, I get that. My gender was vastly beyond my power. So far beyond it that if I didn't transition, it would've destroyed me.

Your forum avatar, depression, anxeity, and your general tone remind me of what I went through nearly three years ago. That doesn't mean you are a transsexual, but they are indicators that you are wise to go to a therapist. And yes, I was deeply ashamed about this. And I felt soul-crushing guilt and remorse on top of it too because of my wife and children.

The severity of your distress over your gender makes does not sound like what most of the CDs here experience though. You are astute to observe that. I noticed that too about myself.

If I could make a suggestion, why don't you print off the threads where you've processed this stuff, and show them to your therapist? That way she can maybe have an idea of where you are going, even if you still can't say the words yourself.

[Shelly Preston]

Ashley,
You should never be ashamed about who you are. I know its not easy but hopefully the therapist will help you to get over the shame. I think you should write a letter with all the information you have told us. Then you should let your therapist read it. I think it may be easier than having to just say it out loud. This helps her as she will then have the information she needs to help you.

[Ashley in Virginia]

There is nothing to be ashamed of, Ashley.


Ashley,
You should never be ashamed about who you are.

I feel differently. I'm eaten up with shame and guilt.

I'm ashamed of the fact that I lie to myself constantly and that I lie to others as well. I'm ashamed because I've allowed my lies to hurt people I loved. I'm ashamed that I live my life in fear of people seeing who I am.

I've been selfish and by trying to live a normal life, I've created two children who are going to eventually have to deal with this. They mean everything to me, I don't think I can live with their disappointment when they find out I'm not the man I purported myself to me. I don't want to embarrass my kids. I don't want them to be the kids with the "weird dad". It's not fair for them to have to bear the burden of making excuses for me and my behaviors. I don't want them to have to hold the weight of my secret, its too heavy for them.


I'm ashamed of myself because I've dated women and hurt them to hide my secrets, I could never be open with them about who I am... I've been emotionally unavailable and that's not fair at all to someone who you are trying to be in a relationship with. The mother of my kids knows about this side of me. When she found out she lost respect for me. I don't deserve her respect. I lied and eventually the lies collasped on top of me. I don't deserve her respect at this point. She had to live for far too long when she was with me holding onto my secret. She was upset and had no one to talk to about it to protect me. I'm glad she did keep it, but it wasn't fair for her to feel alone and burdened with it. It drove a huge wedge between us and eventually the resentment drove us apart. I deserve all of the blame in that. I deserve the blame in ruining my kids ability to have a mother and father in the same house. And when she left us and picked up a drug problem, that was probably some what my fault as well. People don't need to escape from their problems if they don't have problems to begin with. I'm the problem. I create misery and resentment everywhere I go.

I feel like I don't deserve to be happy, especially when it's going to effect the happiness of others. What right do I have to make other people feel odd and uncomfortable?...

[Suzanne F]

Ashley,
I am that weird dad. I am full time now and will have surgery in May. I have two daughters that are 18 and 22. They do not live with me but we are close. I don't think they have ever been more proud of me. My son is 12 and in the 7th grade. He has taught me what unconditional love and acceptance look like. He proudly welcomes me to his school and I am there often.
I think you need to reexamine your feelings toward us. We aren't weird. We are people. Capable of all the best and worst that anyone else is. Our first step has to be to realize that we are not defective. We are beautiful and have every right to a good life!!!!!

I urge you to accept who you are. I don't know and you are the only one that can determine that. We have all failed and caused others pain. Make your amends and move forward. Your children need you and will benefit from you living an authentic life. If you want to hear stories of trans women that are wonderful parents and people visit us in the TS forum. I wish you the best!

Suzanne

[LisaKarenAZ]

Ashley,
As someone else also pointed out, I am also that weird dad/husband. I can easily relate to what you are feeling now, but I can also tell you that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. I am going to share my story, that I had intended writing a post on, but hadn't done yet.

My wife found out about Lisa about 11 years ago, and it has been hit or miss ever since for our marriage. She felt deceived, cheated, and also lost her passion for the man that she married. I carried around the guilt and shame of this ever since. This guilt and shame would get exasperated when I would get caught up in the pink fog, get careless, and get caught again after promising yet again that I would stop. (I earnestly thought I could). When she would find out again, we would end back at square one with our progress.

We just got past all of this recently, as my wife is recovering from thyroid cancer, and subsequent total thyroid removal. In addition, she recently was diagnosed with a benign breast lesion that is being removed next week. Although this has little direct correlation with my crossdressing, it has everything to do with her acceptance of it.

As she has spent the past year debilitated with pain, swelling, and fatigue, she has come to the conclusion that this part of me is part of who I am, and she is able to fully accept parts of this "affliction". (Term used loosely)

We have been talking a lot over the past couple of months, and I have finally been able to accept her acceptance. In return, I have been able to let go of the guilt and shame, especially after she point blank told me that she better understands why I hid this, and that she forgives me for the deceptions.

As of today, I have no more male underwear, go regularly for gel mani/pedi with clear, nude, or sheer pink gels, use Secret deodorant, and feminine body wash, lotions, and body sprays. She has simply told me that she doesn't want to see me fully dressed, and to tell her if I have something new, such as clothes or makeup. She also doesn't want our kids to know about this, although I think they have inclinations.

Everyone's story of self acceptance is different, and you may never get the support of the SO, but I'm an example of that self acceptance being real.

Eventually, you won't be able to get acceptance or forgiveness from anyone else if you can't first find it within yourself.

Yes, we are freaks in the eyes of many in this society. But, our society is also rapidly changing and accepting gender variations much more easily than even 10 years ago.

You need to find a way to forgive yourself for all that you feel you have done wrong to others, and also come to accept that this is a part of who you are and that you would not be the person you are today without it.

So what if we like to wear clothes not designed and marketed to our birth gender? So what if we have much deeper feminine tendencies than the mass majority of misogynistic males in our world? These things make us all much more empathetic, sensitive, and in touch with emotions that impact our world in a much more positive manner than what society dictates.

Accept and forgive yourself, and the rest of your life will be much more accepting and forgiving of you.

[I Am Paula]

I love it when Americans say things like this. In Britain this can take two or three years between your first Doctor's visit and actually being prescribed hormones, and medical insurance doesn't cover any transgender treatment.
HRT is really cheap.

[OCCarly]

Ashley: Everyone deserves to be happy. Maybe you feel like you deserve to be punished for hurting other people around you. If that is true, then this: In society, we punish minor crimes with community service. So go sign up to serve Christmas dinner at the local homeless shelter, offer to mow the lawns there, sweep the floors or clean the toilets. Or if you don't want to get your hands dirty, then make a donation or two. It doesn't have to be a lot of money. And then let it go. If you want to know one of the better shelters to make a donation to, then PM me. In my job I work with a lot of shelters and rehabs.

The women you dated and hurt, they have moved on. If you feel you have to apologize to them, then find them on Facebook and send an apology. If that feels weird, then do the community service or make the donations, and let it stand as your contribution to humanity.

Now about the shame and guilt. Learn to ask "why?" Why do I feel shame and guilt? Well, as small children, we have no shame or guilt. When I was five years old and wanted to wear girls' bikinis, I felt no shame or guilt about it. No, someone put the shame and guilt there in the back of my head, and that would be my mom and dad.

After Dad had his stroke in 2009, I spent five years having shouting matches with him inside my head. Five years! Then finally I broke down, admitted to myself I was transgender, and started dressing at home. When I realized the source of the shame and guilt, and learned to put it aside, and tell myself that I deserved to live my own life, not the life someone else wanted me to live, then my blood pressure came down, and I started liking myself a lot better.

But maybe you cannot do this on your own, and this is why you have to trust your therapist.

But know this: We care about you. We honestly want you to be happy. We know that you have value. So don't be so hard on yourself.

[Dutchess]

I love it when Americans say things like this. In Britain this can take two or three years between your first Doctor's visit and actually being prescribed hormones, and medical insurance doesn't cover any transgender treatment.

Believe me not ALL Americans say or think this way at all . I am VERY suspect of ANY gender therapist that suggests hormones on the first visit. I have seen them ruin plain cd-ers and gender fluid persons lives by insisting they are in the wrong body . From how you are describing yourself I too think you need to get a different therapist and take it slow .

[S. Lisa Smith]

This is not YOUR fault!! Me saying this won't make you believe it, but it's true. But believe this: we care about you and are concerned about you!!!!

[steftoday]

Ashley.
Call Doc L tomorrow and tell her what's going on. Print off copies of your latest posts and send them to her. She needs to read what you're writing, even if you can't verbalize it to her directly. She might be able to fit you in sooner, and perhaps even influence your endo.
Don't wait.

[Ashley in Virginia]

Now about the shame and guilt. Learn to ask "why?" Why do I feel shame and guilt? Well, as small children, we have no shame or guilt. When I was five years old and wanted to wear girls' bikinis, I felt no shame or guilt about it. No, someone put the shame and guilt there in the back of my head, and that would be my mom and dad..

This is something I'm struggling with. My earliest memories of needing to wear women's clothing were age 10 or so?... I don't remember much of anything of my childhood, so I can't really put my finger on something and say "ah ha, that's it".

I remember being ashamed of wanting to wear my sisters clothes when I was that age tho. I don't ever remember being told not to do it until much later on when I got caught doing it. I knew it was something I shouldn't do, but I needed to do it.

I badly want to understand why. I know I could deal with this better if I could stick a reason on why this makes me feel like crap. But I don't think I'll ever get to the root cause, and without it.... I don't know if I'm going to be able to move past this feeling.

[MissDanielle]

I'm one of those that wants to know why I do what I do so I'm right there with you on that. I definitely remember wanting to wear women's clothing at 13-14 but didn't know why. No sisters so mom's closet was the only option for me.

[PaulaQ]

@Ashley - I felt much the same shame and guilt you are feeling. I was horribly guilty that I had lied about who I was my whole life. I worried about hurting my wife and kids. I was ashamed that I felt such an overpowering desire to be a woman. I'll tell you why this makes you feel guilty:
1. Society has told you for your entire life that you are a man. Period. End of story. You get no say in this, as far as they are concerned.
2. Society tells you that men who wear women's clothing are horrible perverts, potential rapists, and pedophiles. Therefore, that's how they view you.
3. You've internalized these horrible, transphobic views. A part of you believes you are a terrible person because that's what THEY'VE told you.

What you have to understand is that society's negative views and stereotypes about us are lies. Really filthy lies. There is nothing wrong with being transgender. Go see your therapist, ASAP. You will get past this feeling. You need to be who you really are, not what the world tells you that you are.

@cisgender people who think the OP is probably just a pink-fogged CD, or who aren't sure about that: Please observe a FEW little hints that might indicate this person is a bit different than the average CD here who posts "I want breast implants!!!!" and then gives a long description of the least practical ideas ever about staying closeted and presenting as male, while having big ol' boobs.
1. Note the rather desperate tone of the OP in her posts. If you'd like a comparison, read my posts from early on. This person does not sound like a typical CD, in my opinion. They sound a lot like I did back then. And I was really desperate and prone to self harm two and a half years ago.
2. Note that her posts aren't about all the cool, fun stuff about being a CD. They are about her horrible, negative feelings.
3. Note the hints of suicidal ideation. Again, not typical CD fodder - this isn't about panties.
4. Note the avatar of the OP - which she claims isn't about her, but which soooo obviously is.

I know it's hard to understand trans stuff, but if you want to know what a trans woman who isn't out to herself but is hitting crisis levels of gender dysphoria looks like, read her posts. And it's fine, really, if you don't believe me - but you are discounting her therapists, mostly because the therapist isn't giving the advice YOU want her to give - namely - don't transition! (Or delay a long, long time before you do it...)

Ultimately, only they can determine who they are and what they need to do, although a therapist can offer guidance. My sense, from reading their posts, is that they need to be about this quickly, whatever the answer is. I am afraid they are in a real crisis. This is pretty much what hitting the wall looks like. I know, I've been there and done that, and watched a whole bunch of other people do that too.

If you are concerned that a hasty decision on the slowest possible medical process ever can wreck someone's life, but not at least equally concerned that a slow decision or no decision could lead a trans woman who's hit the point of "transition, or die" to self harm, then I have to question your motives and priorities. And note that only ONE of the two choices above are irrevocable, and that's the one you don't seem to be worried about.

My concern avoiding dead trans people. Yours is?

[Teresa]

Ashley,
I can remember vividly my childhood and and how my CDing started, to me that is the key to explaining my CDing right through my life.
If you can go back and think it through it may do the same thing for you.
Your comment about antidepressants is interesting and how they affect us all differently, to me it made me feel better about my CDing which at the time my wife didn't want to hgear .

[Claire Cook]

Ashley,

Guilt and shame is something most, if not all,of us have had to deal with. I certainly did. Whenever I snuck into my parents' bedroom and put my Mom's bras and girdles and dresses on, I had these conflicted feelings of "It feels so right but it's so wrong." What was wrong with me? These conflicted feelings lasted most of my life. The big eye-opener was buying a copy of Lacey Leigh's book (The Emancipated Crossdresser) -- and meeting the wonderful people here -- that made me accept myself and realize that it's not my fault. That, and my wife and GG friends who accept me and tell me it's OK to wear what you want to wear and express the woman within.

I've been lucky, and have only had to briefly deal the the kind of depression you are facing. Years ago I'd lost an academic job, we moved to the Boston area and I finally contacted a gender dysphoria group. I never got past a phone call session, because as strongly as I feel my TG, I really did not have a serious gender conflict. I'd only offer a bit of advice: before you can truly relate to other people, you have to relate to and accept yourself. I think you'll find that people around you are happier when you are happy with yourself.

You've had lots of shared experiences and advice here, especially I think from Paula and Stef. Just remember that we are with you, no matter where your path leads.

[Ashley in Virginia]

Ive been trying to reply to this thread for the last couple of days, but I can't seem to put a coherent thought together. I'm anxious as hell right now. I'm working a ton of hours at work through Christmas, you would think that I would be occupied with that and I could put this out of my mind. But it seems to be getting worse.

I'm stuck right now on this idea of self acceptance. I just don't know how I will ever be able to look at myself in the mirror without thinking what a disgusting asshole I am. Do I have to lie to myself until I believe it?.... There is always something that will need fixing or could be alot better. Do I gloss over those things?.... Just say "F it" and that it's good enough? Isn't that disingenuous?... I want to finally be truthful about things and here I am lying to myself and saying that everything is fine and that I am OK?...

It makes no sense to me.

[Samantha uk]

Hi Ashley
I’ve just read through all your posts and my heart goes out to you, you sound very desperate. I don’t know if my words will help but I’m going to write them anyway.

It sounds to me that a lot of your unhappiness is coming from the inability to accept that this is part of who you are and I can sympathise with that. I started to fully dress 10 years ago and I’m only just beginning to accept that this is who I am, I still think I look ridiculous and I still hate the fact that I have to accept that I’m a crossdresser, life would be a breeze if I wasn't

After much talking with my wife over a long period it is starting to sit ok with me and I’m starting to realise that my perception of this part of my character was very warped (it still is although its starting to get better) There are studies that have revealed that crossdressing is ‘within the normal range of male sexuality’ which does go someway to making me feel that perhaps I’m not so weird after all.

The other thing that has helped me put these feelings in their place was figuring out whether I was just a crossdresser or was it transsexuality. Obviously only you can answer that and thats where talking to a friend or therapist will help but I do believe you need to try and clear that up in your mind before you can move forward or even contemplate telling family and friends, if thats something you wanted to do.

Transexual or crossdresser, either way most of the people you meet won’t care either way, those that do are none of your business. Too fat, too thin, too tall, too short, crossdresser, transexual, homosexual, lesbian etc, etc there will always be someone who doesn’t like something. I know that probably doesn’t help but its true.

So please, I would urge you to just communicate with someone. If it helps I would happily start a dialogue, maybe it could help us both through this tricky part of acceptance. If you are interested just pm me, but either way I hope you can find some peace soon.

Samantha x

[Katey888]

Ashley, I hope you return and pick up this dialogue here, or at least with someone here who may be able to help you get through this... :hugs:

I'd like to say a couple of things to try to reassure you and be supportive...

Firstly - try to stop beating yourself up... I can understand all about guilt and shame but what you are experiencing is not something brought on by choice it is about the core of who you are as a person. Please try to set aside those self-destructive thoughts and reflect that you need to survive these feelings in some way to continue to be the best parent you can for your kids, and the best person you can be for YOURSELF, however that may turn out. You're not to blame for these feelings and pursuing those sort of thoughts isn't constructive - It's not your fault! :)

You've got good advice from experienced members here and professional advice also - it may not be a bad idea to seek a second professional opinion but at some point you have to be prepared to accept some of that advice and try something different. I can't speak from experience but clearly the experience of others is such that HRT can be effective in mitigating cripplingly destructive feelings. You should treat this as a medication experiment no different to something else that was prescribed to address a long-term symptom - it may help; it may not, but you won't know unless you try.

Finally - and I hope this does help in the right way - if there were prizes for looking 'right' you'd be winning them. You certainly shouldn't be feeling discouraged by how you feel you look and I don't mean to trivialise your feelings by saying this, but to me some of your conflict may be from that self-acceptance of who you feel you want to be and your self-criticism of how you think that aspect of you looks 'wrong' or 'disgusting'. I can totally comprehend those feelings but they are again not helpful nor truly valid. You are not disgusting, wrong or a bad person (as far as I can tell) and the sooner you begin to accept your individuality over any sort of stereotype (which we all suffer from) then the sooner you will feel better about yourself.

Hang in there! Slow things down and give yourself a break... :bighug:

Katey x

[CynthiaD]

Facing this thing can be tough, even when you accept it as part of yourself. Like many here, I used to think I couldn't go out because I couldn't pass, I couldn't blend, I'd just stand out as a man in a dress. This attitude is "a nice safe place." You can dress at home alone, but when you interact with others you can revert to the safe, familiar ground of male presentation. But then one day I realized that I could pass. At least part of the time. And it scared the bejezus out of me. Accepting myself as transgendered was easy. It was like stepping into a pair of well-worn shoes. But living as a woman, interacting with others as a woman, being a woman all the time? No more "safe place to hide?" That took much longer to accept. But eventually I did accept it as both normal and natural. And I've never been happier.

Yes, there will be difficulties. But they are the same difficulties that many, many others have faced. They survived, and so will you. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And happiness. I'm sure you will find it if you persevere.

[ReineD]

I'm stuck right now on this idea of self acceptance.

Self-acceptance of what, exactly. That you're a crossdresser? A woman? In between? Or maybe you don't know? There's no right or wrong answer, the importance is for you to clarify to yourself who you are and how you want to live. If you feel conflict right now, are you sure it is just because of shame, or is there something deeper causing the conflict (such as being unsure of who you are and your ultimate goals), that is making the decision to move ahead with body-changing hormones stressful. I've looked at the many pics you posted of yourself in the Gallery (you look very nice, BTW), and I'm wondering if you felt ashamed of dressing when you were doing it.

There are some people in this thread who have already diagnosed you as a transsexual who is needing to begin changing your body from male to female. They may be right. Are you TS and do you want to begin the process of transition? Are you fully familiar with the long-term effects of estrogen, progesterone, and anti-androgens on your body?

If you don't know the answer to any of these questions yet, then maybe you should start getting some answers before doing anything else. Talk to your therapist again, and get a second opinion if you need to, if you leave your therapist's office stressed out. Just give yourself the time you need to figure things out. You're the person who controls the timeline here, no one else.

If the sense of shame revolves around your need to present as a woman (regardless of the label), then have you considered working strictly on that as a first step before you do anything else? How long did you see your therapist before she or he suggested HRT, and what was the basis for the suggestion. Was it to "see" if it would help, or is your therapist under the impression that you want to transition. This thread has gotten very long and I may have missed an earlier clarification.

I just want you to know that everyone here cares about you and what you are going through. If nothing else, keep reaching out for help here and elsewhere. Keep an open mind and you may read something that will ring true at a deep level that will help you to reach a conclusion about what is the right thing to do. When this happens your level of stress should go down (hopefully).

[PaulaQ]

There are some people in this thread who have already diagnosed you as a transsexual who is needing to begin changing your body from male to female.

No one is diagnosing anything. However, it isn't difficult to observe fairly marked differences in the tone of this poster compared with lots of other forum goers. This suggests that there is probably more going on with her than with the typical poster here. No one but her and her therapist can really ascertain the right steps for her.

That said, her posts sound a lot more like mine, or Anne12345, or any of a number of us who were out of our minds in misery until we transitioned. This isn't a diagnosis - simply an observation.

Perhaps these differences are hard to spot for the cisgender folk here, who, after all, have never experienced gender dysphoria, and really have nothing to relate it to. But I don't think the self-immolating avatar and declarations of self loathing are terribly subtle.

At the very least, it suggests the OP is probably in crisis.

[Sarasometimes]

You are not alone. Many who have a different place on the gender spectrum suppress it to about your age. I'm not in your shoes, but I have been to many "Gender" therapists before i found one that was really knowledgeable and one I felt comfortable with. I think that although she may be capable you and her aren't maybe on the same page. You should feel comfortable when with her and if not try someone else.
Not fitting into the fantasy societal binary gender box is tough but you are far from not alone. The unicorn stuff here may be in large part due to many of us sort of trivializing the situation to make it more manageable. Try to see someone else and/or ask to her/him to take smaller little steps. She should be giving you coping skills ASAP.
Best to you! Hope I helped!

[St. Eve]

Ashley,

You have received volumes of feedback and advice, I will try not to repeat it all...

I am very familiar with self-loathing and denial and secrets. I am in the initial stages of gender therapy and coming out after several decades of secrets. I am also afraid of coming out and living my truth - however, today I am way more afraid of the pain of NOT living my life as myself. I feeld very lucky to have developed a support team of loving folks through the last 15 years of doing work on my depression, shame, trauma history and compulsive behaviors. All I can say is that I learned it is ok to be me AND I can no longer do this alone.

I am so glad you are telling the truth about your fear - look at the dozens of folks coming out to support and love you as you are!!
The only thing that has brought me acceptance and peace has been to tell the absolute truth of my experience to a loving community. Having the community reflect love for me as I truly am without secrets has been the only way have I gotten the courage to love myself as I am.

I hope you find the same experience.

Peace
EvaLyn

[flatlander_48]

A i V:

I have no idea of how all that you have discussed will play out. I hope that at some point in the near future things will begin to fall into place for you. Clearly all of us here want the best possible outcome for you, whatever that may be.

The Human Brain is a fascinating device in may ways, but think about what it is designed to do. One of its primary purposes is to protect itself and your being. It does this by often making decisions that eliminate or minimize the degree of change (risk) required. Basically it is safer to avoid the unknown. This is where fear, doubt, shame, guilt, etc. come into play. These can be tools that work to enforce the status quo and minimize risk. When you talk about what you are feeling, this is where it is rooted.

The reality is that society puts a great deal of pressure on us to conform. If we don't conform, we can be subject to all sorts of negative events and outcomes. It's unclear at this point if you are a crossdresser or something beyond. Rest assured that your situation is not unique. Many others have been down this path; survived and even thrived. It is possible.

DeeAnn

[Ashley in Virginia]

Self-acceptance of what, exactly. That you're a crossdresser? A woman? In between? Or maybe you don't know? ...

I have been trying to repress this for so long, I don't know what I am. I'm not a crossdresser. This is more than that, that's one thing I'm sure of. I haven't gotten real enough with myself to see exactly what I am. I'm struggling to see myself in a feminine life... I have created myself into such a "dude"... I'm like a 39 year old little boy. I dress like a slob, I tend to live like a slob, I don't take care of myself at all... Now, I know alot of that has to do with my depression, but its kind of always been the way I've lived, even when life has been decent. I have the "I don't give a crap" mentality. No one would suspect that I would have any issue with my gender. I don't have any female mannerisms, I have worked hard to have "guy" interests... I'm a typical guys guy on the surface.

I don't associate that with "Ashley" at all... When I allow myself to be in that frame of mind, I'm comfortable and clean and I want to be a better person. I feel good for awhile, until its time to be back to "normal". Then it's back to miserable.

I deprive myself of dressing so I don't have to feel like shit when it comes to an end. It's easier to feel like shit all the time. There's a comfort in being depressed. I don't have to try and act like I care, I can just be here alone and time will pass until I have to go to work or whatever. At this point I'm just counting minutes till I die.

I don't quite know how to explain the shame I constantly feel. I'm ashamed of my body, its ugly and its not what I want. I want a feminine shape. I hate looking at my male parts. I do enjoy standing up to pee, lol, but I hate it dangling there and I have never been a fan of using it. I'm ashamed of myself for the jealousy I feel when I see women who I would like to emulate (that's not quite the word I want, but I can't figure out how to express what I'm thinking...). I want to be that nice looking, well put together woman living her life. I feel like such a dipshit for thinking that should be me.

I fear that even if I go through the process that I'm never going to be able to be who I feel like I want to be... This is going to sound so superficial but I'm fearful that even with the hormones and maybe with some surgery, I'm not going to pass at all. I know that people here think that I'm not horrible looking, but I guess I'm too close to it and all I see is the guy underneath.

I don't want to live my whole life seeing the guy underneath. If that's all I see when I look at myself, then what's the point of trying to do all of this? I don't want to be that guy anymore.

[Samantha uk]

I don't want to live my whole life seeing the guy underneath. If that's all I see when I look at myself, then what's the point of trying to do all of this? I don't want to be that guy anymore.

Is transitioning and still seeing the guy underneath any worse than the way you are living now? because you seem to be at the end of your tether with the current situation. Is that fear of seeing the guy underneath stopping you from making a change?
I would suggest that asking yourself questions like these, without concerning yourself about the consequences of living as a woman at this stage, might help you to move forward and also don't rule out the idea that you might not be a transexual. Either way it sounds like you may have reached a crisis point and you will have to take positive steps to be able to come to a conclusion.

[Katey888]

Ashley - please try to find some strength for yourself in the stories of others here and the scores and hundreds of folk that have gone through this and come out the other side not hating themselves but finding the true person inside... :hugs:

I doubt any of our transitioned or transitioning folk here will tell you that it's easy but they'll probably all tell you it's better than the alternative...

Find a way to get through it - find a way now to begin more self-acceptance and self-love - these are things you just have to find a way through to something better for you... and there are people here that can help you with that because they are the ones that have experienced it and been there and faced those trials... seek them out here or anywhere... I know they'll help you... but do not give in to despair and depression - that is not an answer and it's not going to help you...

Remember that great old Churchillian quote: "If you're going through Hell - Keep going!"

Please keep going... :)

Katey x

[Jamiegirl1]

Hi Ashley, reading your posts you sound alot like me, except in your last post you said you hate your male self, hate looking at your johnson, etc. sounds to me like you need to transition to a woman, you are just sooo afraid to take that final step to start, like everyone else has said, we are here to support you, I gave you my personal email, please use it anytime,please transition for yourself, I am sure you will find the happiness you so desperately need, and you are a beautiful girl....your daughters will still love you,just may take a little time for them to accept the new you....Jamie

[debstar]

I have been trying to repress this for so long
Stop doing that

I don't know what I am. I'm not a crossdresser.
You're going to need to talk to a therapist to work that out.

This is more than that, that's one thing I'm sure of. I haven't gotten real enough with myself to see exactly what I am.
Sounds like your making progress then.

I'm struggling to see myself in a feminine life... I have created myself into such a "dude"... I'm like a 39 year old little boy. I dress like a slob, I tend to live like a slob,
Watch this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOFtJYlXgZo

I don't take care of myself at all...
Sounds like classic depression to me, of course that has nothing to do with why you are depressed it's just a symptom.

Now, I know alot of that has to do with my depression, but its kind of always been the way I've lived, even when life has been decent. I have the "I don't give a crap" mentality. No one would suspect that I would have any issue with my gender. I don't have any female mannerisms, I have worked hard to have "guy" interests... I'm a typical guys guy on the surface.
Yes can relate

I don't associate that with "Ashley" at all... When I allow myself to be in that frame of mind, I'm comfortable and clean and I want to be a better person. I feel good for awhile, until its time to be back to "normal". Then it's back to miserable.
ditto

I deprive myself of dressing so I don't have to feel like shit when it comes to an end. It's easier to feel like shit all the time. There's a comfort in being depressed. I don't have to try and act like I care, I can just be here alone and time will pass until I have to go to work or whatever.
Yup sounds like me :)

At this point I'm just counting minutes till I die.
Yeah if it's that serious, you need to at least explore the idea of transition.. with a therapist.

I don't quite know how to explain the shame I constantly feel. I'm ashamed of my body, its ugly and its not what I want. I want a feminine shape. I hate looking at my male parts. I do enjoy standing up to pee, lol, but I hate it dangling there and I have never been a fan of using it. I'm ashamed of myself for the jealousy I feel when I see women who I would like to emulate (that's not quite the word I want, but I can't figure out how to express what I'm thinking...). I want to be that nice looking, well put together woman living her life. I feel like such a dipshit for thinking that should be me.
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably Transgender.

I fear that even if I go through the process that I'm never going to be able to be who I feel like I want to be... This is going to sound so superficial but I'm fearful that even with the hormones and maybe with some surgery, I'm not going to pass at all. I know that people here think that I'm not horrible looking, but I guess I'm too close to it and all I see is the guy underneath.
You mentioned you already dress and live like a slob as a guy so the only way it up from that. Another way to look at it is by asking yourself how you are currently doing passing as a guy at this point in your life? Clearly the bigger problem here is how you feel on the inside so you should fix that and then worry about how the world sees you.

I don't want to live my whole life seeing the guy underneath. If that's all I see when I look at myself, then what's the point of trying to do all of this? I don't want to be that guy anymore.
A simple statement with a complex solution, or perhaps the solution is simpler then you think.

As others have mentioned what you are really going towards is looking at transitioning and yes there is a lot of fair around that. So again talking this through with a therapist and be open to Transition as a possibility.

-EDIT: Did I mention you should go see a therapist ?


Debs. (not a therapist)

[ReineD]

I don't want to live my whole life seeing the guy underneath. If that's all I see when I look at myself, then what's the point of trying to do all of this? I don't want to be that guy anymore.

What it fundamentally boils down to is not how others see you but how YOU see yourself. If you are a woman and not a man, then you need to honor this. But, if you want to be a woman only if you can be a certain kind of woman, then you may be setting yourself up for disaster.

I’ll be painfully honest with you, and you can verify what I am about to say in the TS section with members who have transitioned. The thing is, the process of transition is time consuming (and expensive). It can take some time before others will completely cease to see the male cues. HRT may be enough for some people, but (some? many?) TSs have needed FFS or some cosmetic surgery to be stealth if this was their goal and this, combined with HRT can take as long as one or two years before the goal is accomplished. And if you do transition in place, then people will know that you were born male. There is no way to get around that, but you may find that you will make all new friends, plus you may discover that some of your old friends will be supportive. If you work for a company with progressive policies, then it won’t matter what they think … your job will be secure.

This is why it is imperative for YOU to know who YOU are, because the knowledge that you are a woman will give you the inner strength you will need to carry you through the difficulty of being misgendered, which will happen … until the process of transition is complete. Again, you don’t need to take my word for it, please discuss this in the TS section with people who have gone through it. Ask them to not gloss over it and instead tell you how they coped, I’m sure they will give you excellent coping strategies. There are quite a few people who have transitioned here and who are happy, much happier than before. They can also tell you how they overcame the shame hurdle or if it was even important for them to never be misgendered.

I’m worried about you because I get the impression you hinge your decision to transition on how others will perceive you. This is not the way to approach transition, you need to first determine who YOU are, and if you are a woman, then honor that and develop the courage to go through with what you need to go through, no matter the outcome. And you will need courage and strength of conviction, there's no sense pretending otherwise. Transition is not easy, no matter what anyone else says.

But I’ve got to tell you that more and more people are not as concerned about being completely stealth any more, it’s not like it was 5-10 years ago. The world is changing and the knowledge that there are people who are transsexual is permeating public awareness to the point where the vast majority of the public will treat you with respect even if they do know or suspect you were born as a male. So if public opinion is your biggest sticking point, you may discover that it is not as bad out there as you think it might be.

As to finding partners (if this is your larger concern), then I don’t know what to say. Generally I think that people accept more easily if they are not in intimate relationships. I have no clue about the percentage of the dating pool (in 2016) who are OK with being in relationships with transitioners. You could ask about that in the TS section as well.

[Zooey]

I have been trying to repress this for so long, I don't know what I am. I'm not a crossdresser. This is more than that, that's one thing I'm sure of. I haven't gotten real enough with myself to see exactly what I am. I'm struggling to see myself in a feminine life... I have created myself into such a "dude"... I'm like a 39 year old little boy. I dress like a slob, I tend to live like a slob, I don't take care of myself at all... Now, I know alot of that has to do with my depression, but its kind of always been the way I've lived, even when life has been decent. I have the "I don't give a crap" mentality. No one would suspect that I would have any issue with my gender. I don't have any female mannerisms, I have worked hard to have "guy" interests... I'm a typical guys guy on the surface.

This could have been written by me at one point. There are minor differences, but hey, everybody's different. I was never invested in my appearance as a man. I knew how to do it, but I didn't care. At all. Really didn't. I care about taking care of myself now because I'm invested in myself.


I fear that even if I go through the process that I'm never going to be able to be who I feel like I want to be... This is going to sound so superficial but I'm fearful that even with the hormones and maybe with some surgery, I'm not going to pass at all. I know that people here think that I'm not horrible looking, but I guess I'm too close to it and all I see is the guy underneath.

I went and found your last picture thread. You'll be fine - seriously. If you decided to transition, HRT would help with some areas, and there are surgical options (FFS, etc.) if you were still dissatisfied. Very few of us are totally comfortable with the way we look. That goes for cis folks too, but transwomen absolutely tend to be our own worst critics. I actually think I look okay straight on, even good sometimes. but my profile drives me bonkers and makes me sad. The reality though is that most people simply don't pay enough attention to care. I'm starting to look more seriously into FFS, but that's for my happiness, not for anybody else.

Please continue seeing your therapist. Please be open to whatever you discover. Most importantly, please know that being yourself will always make you beautiful, even if it's not the type of beauty you're worried about.

[Jamiegirl1]

Hi Ashley, how are you doing sweety? hope you are feeling alot more upbeat than you were, please post something to let us know what is happening with you, you have all of our support , Jamie

[Amanda Monica]

Imo, Reine most recent comment hits the nail on the head. Please, please don't do anything sudden - you certainly have support here, but be sure to seek outside help too.

[Ashley in Virginia]

I've been feeling down... I guess it's better than anxious though... Lol

I really wish I could put this back in the box and bury my head back in the sand. It worked well enough for a long time, maybe I could buy a few more years until I blow up again. But I know that's not smart or really that practical.

I'm seeing the therapist next week. I'm looking forward to it, I'm not as anxious as I was before seeing her the last time.

I'm not sure what's got me down specifically... I'm usually down anyways, but I feel kinda in a hole right now. I'm feeling a bit hopeless and stupid. I feel stupid when I try and think that I have hope of being OK living as a woman. I can't live life in the body I have now... How in the world am I going to live with a body that's changing, albeit slowly?...

I feel like "who am I kidding?"... Other people make this work, but right now I can't conceive it. What does that mean?... Am I not trans at all?.. Am I just a moron?... Someone who is grasping at something that isn't there?... It sure feels like it is there.

I don't know, but now I'm anxious again. Lol. Replying to this thread seems to get me feeling that way, I guess it's good to push myself out of my comfort level.

[steftoday]

post Christmas; maybe that's why? I know it happens to me as well.
do you have all your notes and copies of posts for her? if you're all set with that, take a break from here. don't come to this thread if it makes you anxious. you have about a week before you see her, so take a break from here, and prepare yourself for your session... we'll be here when you get back.

[becky77]

Hi Ashley

I'm torn between PaulaQ advise and ReineD.

There is no doubt that HRT helped me immensely, it settled and balanced my thinking.
Also I was depressed because of the GD, that depression went with HRT.
The problem being you can't cure depression and anxiety if you don't tackle the cause. I spent two needless months on anti-depressents getting progressively more mentally unstable.
If it's right for you it will work, but are you prepared for side effects? Eg possibility of losing sexual function?

The British care path is very slow so I went private it was literally getting life or death I felt unhinged before HRT, it wasn't expensive compared with my needs.
So the comment about Americans and Hormones is unwarranted, the same applies here, if you really need them they are worth paying for.

However, I did have real issues with shame and self hatred and basically thought of myself as a total freak, it took a life coach to help me past those feelings. I'm not sure how beneficial or receptive to HRT I would have been had I not tackled those issues first.

You have a couple of months before you can see an endo, my advise would be to find someone that specialises in anxiety or low self-esteem. You lack self belief.
I have never found counselling helpful, I talk freely about my feelings so spilling out to a counsellor that gives nothing back didn't work for me.
I needed someone that would help me rewire my negative thought processes, as I said I found a life coach worked for me, sometimes you have to approach problems from a different angle.
We are all guilty of 'not seeing the woods for the trees', sometimes we need someone else to show us how to see those woods.

I'm not weird, I am perfectly normal just part of a minority. I was born this way and have nothing to feel shame about, there are enough people like me to know I am not a freak. I'm a good person and if people don't understand me that is their issue not mine.
I know the above is true now, but I needed help to believe it. Professional help as I wasn't strong enough to push past my own mental barriers.

And remember decades of living with Gender Dysphoria can't be cured overnight, whatever you do it will take time.

Btw your last post, yep been there and know those thoughts very well. I live full-time as a woman now, had I told myself that five years ago I would have said it wasn't possible.

[S. Lisa Smith]

Hi, just checking in to see how you are doing.

[Alice Torn]

Ashley, Don't feel too alone. I can commiserate with the things you are feeling a lot. I have struggled with guilt and shame my whole life, because of my toxic, cruel family of origin, and religious Bible teachings, and of course society expectations to be normal, and being a 61 yr old never married virgin loner tall man, when all around me are couples and families. The dressing for me started at about age 13. I have never, ever felt normal! Always kind of different and weird, and i have a hard time smiling, and laughing, as I never got to have a steady girlfriend or lover. I see a woman therapist at the VA once every other month. I think "normal" is pretty bad, to tell the truth. Share on here anytime.

[Ashley in Virginia]

So, here's a quick update...

Therapy sucks. I've been to her a few times now, and it gets harder each time. Not because of her, she's doing her job and she's pushing me for answers and self awareness, which is good. But its hard to be real about things. Every time I go, I see how much deeper the hole of self hate and loathing is. I never knew how much I hated myself... I always knew I did, but I've built up barriers that have beat me down. I never realized all of the hateful things I say about myself and how much they hurt until she read them back and I heard them come out of her mouth. In trying to build up a image of a man for the world to see, I've destroyed any ability to see who I actually am. I don't know myself at all. My head is filled with an angry voice constantly telling me to stop being stupid. At this point everything is stupid to me. I don't know what's what anymore....

She is giving me the tools to see it, and that's good. And I'm trying to catch myself when I can, but there is so much of it, its overwhelming.

She is still convinced the hormones will help settle some of this down. My endocrinologist appointment is on the 9th, so we will see. I'm excited to see if it will calm some of the storm.

So, right now I feel like total shit still, but I'm cautiously hopeful about the future.

[heatherdress]

Ashley - You probably need the help of a professional therapist as most have suggested. Real anxiety is quite serious and should be addressed with a professional, well beyond our well-intentioned sentiments.

[Tina_gm]

Hi Ashley, sorry to hear you are still struggling with stuff. While I am not ever going to suggest to repress anything. I am going to suggest rather than to beat yourself up over gender, to focus 1st on simply being a good person. Sometimes, stepping back and seeing that men and women actually experience so much alike too. I remember there were times I had gotten wrapped up in gender this, gender that, what am I, repress this, let that out etc etc etc. It was an overwhelming feeling. HRT may very well help you, as it seems for many the best part about HRT is NOT the feminizing/breast growth, but of an internal calming. I wish you luck with this. Still, Sometimes, gender isn't everything. Just being a good you can go a long way. It doesn't have to be the end all to self identify exactly as anything. Just be you, ennjoy what you enjoy regardless of where it fits, how it lands, how it looks.

[steftoday]

Ashley - You probably need the help of a professional therapist as most have suggested. Real anxiety is quite serious and should be addressed with a professional, well beyond our well-intentioned sentiments.

not picking on you specifically heatherdress, but Ashley IS seeing a professional therapist, and a damn good one.

[Ashley in Virginia]

Got my hormones today. Also got an unexpected prostate exam... Ugh. Lol

The doctor was really nice, and he seems to agree with the therapist with regards to it helping my state of mind. I'm excited to see... Being depressed and anxious sucks.

[IamWren]

Sounds like you have a positive outlook about the hormones. That's great Ashley. I'm looking forward to hearing how it works out for you. Big, huge hugs!
~ Sayyidah

p.s. be careful of those prostate exams.
You might start singing 'Moon River' :D


https://youtu.be/CfZiAiYNcI8?t=10s

[S. Lisa Smith]

Glad to hear things are going in a positive direction!!!

[steftoday]

Got my hormones today. Also got an unexpected prostate exam... Ugh. Lol

The doctor was really nice, and he seems to agree with the therapist with regards to it helping my state of mind. I'm excited to see... Being depressed and anxious sucks.

congrats Ashley. please let us know how things are going. we're all pulling for you.

[Ashley in Virginia]

I can't believe it's been three months already since I started this thread. Time is like a roll of toilet paper... The further you get into it, the faster it goes...

Anyway, It been two weeks of hormones and things couldn't be better. My mind is so clear. I don't have that voice screaming at me as much anymore, and I am finally feeling free a bit. My house is clean as Hell... I have motivation to take care of myself for the first time in a long time. I'm kicking myself in the ass for not starting this earlier in my life.

My oldest daughter knows now though. I was rushing out of the door and left my estrodial in the living room. She googled what it's for and pretty much figured it out. She confronted me and I told her most of the truth. I kinda glossed over transition, told her I haven't decided on that yet, but that the hormones make me feel a ton better and that I would figure out what the next steps are with the therapist as we go along. She said she doesn't care, she just wants me to be better and not miserable... I'm hoping that's how she really feels, but we will see.

[S. Lisa Smith]

This is sooo wonderful!!

[steftoday]

I am soo happy for you Ashley. This is great news!

[Claire Cook]

Ashley,

We are so glad to hear this. I'm sure that things will get better for you .. and we hope that your daughter will be understanding and supportive. Now maybe it's time to consider changing your avatar?

[MissVirginia-Mae]

Very happy for you, Hon!
Warm hugs!!!:hugs::love:

[IamWren]

Really happy to hear this news Ashley. I was so hoping the hormones would help your outlook. And I'm sure your daughter has no reason to lie about something this serious. Try to keep the lines of communication open with her and be as truthful as you think is appropriate. We're all rooting for you Ash!

Hugs, Sayyidah

[rocval2001]

Ashley one thing I can tell you is that there is a outstanding support system here as well as some great ladies. They will be here for you when you need them.

Hugs
Val

[Ashley in Virginia]

So, I'm now 2 months into hormones....

I am so happy right now. My anxiety comes and goes, but I can usually handle it now. I feel like someone has flipped the lights on and I can see now. I'm 180° from the person I was before.

I have been seeing the therapist monthly, and that's been going better. Its nice to be able to openly speak about this without breaking out into a cold sweat. Self acceptance is coming, I'm pretty happy with myself right now. I've lost some weight, I'm exercising for the first time ever, I've cut alot of the crap I was eating.

I'm out to both of my kids and their mother. They all seem cool with it, so we will see. The joke around the house is that we are all good with this until I show up in a dress one day. I'm not sure how long it will be until they see that though. I'm still figuring out how to make that happen without freaking them out.

I don't have anyone else to come out to, other than work, so I guess being alone in the world has some privileges.

I go back to the endocrinologist next month. He will probably increase my dosages. I'm good with that I think. I haven't seen any physical changes yet. I'm good with that tho, I want to take this slow... Better to get healthy mentally first before rushing into boobs.

[S. Lisa Smith]

That is wonderful news!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember, you are NOT alone in the world!! We are here with you!

[steftoday]

Great news Ashley! I'm glad for you. :)

[Mykaa]

Self acceptance is an awesome thing, I recently found that out myself Ashley, isnt it nice to Smile from within for a change?

[Tracii G]

Really happy you are doing better.
Your kids sound like great kids and they really care about you.

[PaulaQ]

Welcome to the real world, Ashley, and congratulations on starting HRT.

[Shelly Preston]

Wonderful news Ashley

You sound happier now :hugs:

As for the how to turn up in a dress you may want to show them a photograph first

[ReineD]

I am so happy right now. My anxiety comes and goes, but I can usually handle it now. I feel like someone has flipped the lights on and I can see now. I'm 180° from the person I was before.

That's wonderful news! So glad you no longer feel the way you described in your first post. :)

[jaleecd]

from what i have read on these forums, how you cover your nakedness will take care of its self, as you become you, it will just be natural, and not cross dressing.