Confused on Where I'm Headed

[kristyk]

I've been on a HRT regiment constantly day in and day out for the past 13 years. The medication really makes me feel like I'm OK and being transgender is a good thing. However over the last year I've become more and more confused on who I am and where I'm headed. It's easy to say time to transition but my life has been rooted in as a male, I'm sure co-workers think I'm a little feminine but transitioning doesn't look like an option. On the other hand I feel like a woman, I think like a woman, I dress like a woman anytime I can.

I've come to a conclusion that I may go through the rest of my life being confused with my emotions, and who I appear to everyone to be. The more I dwell on this the more the entire line of emotions come out...anger, depression, tears, sadness, becoming a hermit and not venturing out to meet people. If you ask people who know me they would say I'm a very happy and out going person willing to help anyone. Although I can't help myself and that's where the confusion comes in. I've seen therapists, and physiologists, they help but they do not have an answer for me, guess it's not that easy to just have someone tell you what's best.

Thought if I wrote it all down maybe it would make more sense, however I'm sure I'll figure it out once I'm so old it'll be to late to do anything meaningful.

KristyK

[Kaitlyn Michele]

just an observation.

It doesnt sound confusing at all.
Sounds to me like you are making excuses for not living for yourself..

For so many of us we either live by our true nature or we suffer for not living by it.... was the last 13 years about coping and getting by or is your true nature someone that can exist around gender boundries??

if your true nature is that you are a woman in your mind, then you are not going to be able to negotiate with how it makes you feel... surely you can make life choices and changes to feel better, but in the end you will feel however you feel...

so before you get stuck, i'd take another whack at serious therapy without all the "i can'ts" "i never wills"and "its too lates" just try to focus on what you know about yourself and who you are.. then maybe you can tell yourself what's best..

[pamela7]

no-one can tell you what's best except yourself, in fact it would be quite some arrogance to think to know what's better for someone else. Writing it all down is a good idea, just keep doing more of it, and more and more - and see where that gets you, you might be surprised.

[Kate T]

Wow, 13 YEARS on HRT and you aren't out. I was busting to be out full time after only 3 months on HRT.

Coming out is a bit like if you had lived inside all your life, had no idea what was outside, and you close your eyes and walk out the door having no idea whether you may fall off the edge of a cliff or be met by a mob of scary angry monsters. Amazingly though, most of the time, when you open your eyes what you find is an amazing new world. But it is scary as all shit taking that leap of faith.

Anyway's, Kaitlyn has already nailed it. You need to take another hard core go at therapy and drop all of your assumptions on what you can and can't do, otherwise you are likely to continue to be stuck and constantly asking yourself the same question.

[Dawn cd]

If we say that gender is a spectrum, then might there be some people who are caught at the tipping point?

[Zooey]

If we say that gender is a spectrum, then might there be some people who are caught at the tipping point?

No. There is no tipping point, because it's not a binary thing. People are what they are. They transition to reflect THAT outwardly, or don't. When people don't, it's usually for a bunch of reasons that have everything to do with fear and little or nothing to do with identity.

Editing to add: That's not to say those reasons aren't valid, but it's almost a matter of prioritizing between those two things - fear of change/consequence/etc., and the need to affirm your identity.

I agree with other suggestions for therapy, and especially the advice to specifically let go of all the preconceived notions of impossibility you may be holding onto. If you're looking for a therapist to tell you what to do, you'll be disappointed. Think more about what you want, and ask for help with getting there.

[kristyk]

Thanks?.. You gave me direction and honesty, really appreciate all of your responses. I've had so much therapy over the years, that going back is not very exciting to me :(. I want you to know I am listening to everyone, I'll make a call to my psychologist soon. Then try my best to leave my can'ts and baggage at the door when I see Dr. Reid again.

Thanks again
Kristy

[Badtranny]

It's easy to say time to transition but my life has been rooted in as a male,

I'd just like to point out that EVERY regular MtF poster in the TS forum who has transitioned had a life rooted in a male identity. You are not exactly blazing new territory there.

Having said that, you're right to be scared and after 13 years on the fence, I don't see any reason why you should transition at this point. It's just my opinion of of course, but transition isn't a good path for people that aren't determined to do it at all costs.

[I Am Paula]

I have to agree with Melissa here. We transition because we have to, and have no choice. If some invisible force is keeping you from transitioning, and has for this long, perhaps that is meant to be. The need to transition may still be coming, but just not yet.

[STACY B]

13 Years,,, Good Lord,, I'm with them,,, Why fix something if it ain't Broken ? If your Happy and content with your life you can't ask for more than that. Hell I would be Happy just to still be alive in 13 years,,lol,,,

[becky77]

13 years!!

If you haven't transitioned after 13 years on HRT I can't see that the need is strong enough to warrant the risk?

Once I was on hormones living as a man was unbearable.

[kristyk]

Glad to get so many thoughts, I appreciate them all but I think Kaityln hit it on the head. I will go back into therapy and hope I can work this out. No excuse but for many of those 13 years I spent totally submersed in helping my mom and dad with health issues. That said though 13 is a long time to go through life not understanding what you are and who you are.

Kristy

[JohnH]

Hi Kristy,

I would say don´t worry about what you are. Just be yourself.

I have been on M2F HRT for over 4 years, and I feel much better about myself. If I still had to present as a man 100 % it would still be an improvement.

I have hair down to my shoulder blades and have developed D cup breasts. For business and church I wear lipstick and eye makeup, and yet my speaking and singing voice is something like Johnny Cash. I make NO attempt to pretend I look like a typical man. So I look very much like a genetic woman and yet I have a deep masculine voice. I regard myself as a two-spirited individual with masculine and feminine qualities. And I get along quite well with other individuals, and I have told a lot of people I am on estrogen.

In my church choir most of the members have masculine voices, with only one genetic woman. I have the deepest voice of anybody in the choir, and I sit next to the genetic woman who is a soprano. It looks like two women singing, one bass, and the other one soprano. And the other members who have traditional masculine appearances are tenors and baritones.

I am starting to stock up on women´s clothing to wear out in public. And I will work on getting more of a feminine timbre in my speaking voice without raising the pitch of my voice much since I do not want to ruin my bass singing voice.

Johanna

[Eryn]

I've been on a HRT regiment constantly day in and day out for the past 13 years. The medication really makes me feel like I'm OK and being transgender is a good thing. However over the last year I've become more and more confused on who I am and where I'm headed. It's easy to say time to transition but my life has been rooted in as a male, I'm sure co-workers think I'm a little feminine but transitioning doesn't look like an option. On the other hand I feel like a woman, I think like a woman, I dress like a woman anytime I can.

I've come to a conclusion that I may go through the rest of my life being confused with my emotions, and who I appear to everyone to be....

Well, that's a choice for you to make. Looking back, I spent a few decades settling for the status quo and not "rocking the boat" and it didn't do me very much good. Now I'm moving toward my goal, though I am not yet sure exactly what it is!

I'd say, go back, talk to your therapist some more, investigate some scenarios, and find a better path that is right for you.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." [Maria Robinson]