Coming out to Parents

[Nadya]

Hello everyone!

I've been really contemplating what to do about coming out to my parents. Hiding in the closet has reached a point that I really can't hide it much anymore. I know that I'll still be in there for work but I have to vent off some of that pressure in my personal life. Anyway, I've been having trouble deciding when would be the best time to come out to my parents. I wanted to do it soon so when I visit them for Christmas, they've had time to digest some of it and I could talk to them about it. That was my original plan but after watching a transgender documentary the other day, something caught my attention. A mother of transgender man said that it took her a while to mourn the loss of her daughter. I realized that I've heard that before too with transgender women. Now, I realize that nobody here knows my family. My mother is spiritual but hasn't been to church since I was in Elementary school. Family is incredibly important to her. My dad is not religious at all but he's been going through some stuff with his mother that only recently worked out for the better. Is what I want to tell them probably too much at the moment? Should I give them another opportunity to spend time with their son? Let them recover? The longer I keep it hidden the more stressed I feel about it. I think I know the answer, I guess I just wanted to hear opinions.

<3

[Zooey]

The best advice I can give you is that there is no good time to do this. There is no safe time, no easy time.

There's only the time when you decide to do it, and then the time it takes people to deal with it.

[Kate T]

The problem is Ryce that if you say wait until this particular family crisis or problem settles then another one comes up, then another and another.

The short answer is that the best time to tell them is when you are ready. If you are ready now then you will help them work out a way to deal with it.

My mum was fine when I told her and she certainly doesn't worry about going out with us. But then again she has dementia and I don't think has any real understanding and thinks everyone else treating me as a woman is just sort of a bit odd but why does she care.

My mother in law has not done so well. She essentially sulked when she came to visit us for our daughters birthday and first communion about 2 weeks ago. But it is a big shock, we will see what happens. I have written to her to try and help her understand that I still very much love her daughter and grandchildren and nothing can change that. Hopefully she will see with time that is the case. But we couldn't not tell her. What would be the point. Everyone locally and at church where we were going now knows me as Kate so there was no way I could have gone in some sort of "boy mode" even if I had wanted to.

Do you have someone to support you?? You would think that family should be your biggest fan club but it is not always the case and it is helpful I think if you have someone who has "got your back" so to speak if your parents really struggle and you need to unload to someone.

[PretzelGirl]

Ryce, I agree that there isn't a good time. Everyone has things going on in their life and it is difficult to measure against that. There are times that are extreme and if you can avoid those, it can help. But you have to balance your level of anxiety in there also.

I assume they don't live in your area. How long are you going? I ask that because if you show up Christmas Eve and talk with them right away, how does that go? If you are staying for a day or two after, do you tell them on the 26th? Holidays might throw extra thoughts in there depending on family dynamics and your expectations and anxieties.

Each of our situations are different, so it is hard to give a direct, helping answer. But if others share their experience, those pieces add up. For my Mom, I saw her in May last year at my nephew's wedding. My brother knew and no one else as it was the couple's time and I didn't want to disturb that. So I had to pay for a ticket for a visit (a good thing anyway), but it looked a little odd being so soon. I did it under the pretense of helping her around the house, which was true. I told her the first morning I was there so that she had time to process and ask questions before I would fly out two days later. What helped me is my oldest daughter and her husband already knew and were supportive and they came down for the visit just to be there for me. She held my hand the entire conversation. Would a brother or sister that becomes an ally help?

We need to get together for dinner or coffee.

[Nadya]

My family lives in NJ and my wife will be traveling with me. She'll be there for support if I go through and tell my parents prior or during the visit. My brother...I don't think I'll ever tell. He is a bigoted, narcissistic bully just on politics, I couldn't imagine what his reaction would be to that information. I don't know exactly where he got it all from because my parents are nothing like that. He did catch me trying on clothes when I was young and he told me he'd kill me if I became a crossdresser so I can't imagine what he'd do if I were to come out as transgender to him. Regardless if he'd actually ever do that, I do not need that kind of hate in my life. Anyway, we'll be visiting for a week. I wanted to tell them before because in the off chance that it doesn't go well, I don't actually have to visit but I really doubt it would come to that. I wasn't planning on showing up as their new daughter there anyway because I think it would be too much too quickly. Thanks for the advice!

<3 Ryce

PS- Sue, once the semester ends, I'd be happy to have a meal of coffee with you. :)

[Marcelle]

Hi Ryce,

Plenty of good advice so far but I think you already knew your answer and have found some level of common support. When I came out to my mother I took a similar approach to Sue and made it a visit for several days. My younger sister who lives close to my mother knew and she was there the day I arrived to provide support. I told my mother the first day and while I noted the confusion in her understanding I also saw the love only a mother can show. I purposely stayed a few days to allow her time to process and to answer questions (typical ones . . . Are you gay? Are you getting divorced? Can you stay in the military?). That progressed to showing her a few pictures (when she was ready) of me as a woman. The day I left, I left as Marcelle and she hugged me and said "you will always be my son but I will love you as my daughter as well."

Cheers

Marcelle

[Brooklyn]

I gather that you haven't even started HRT, right? You may still find that you don't need to transition, don't like the way HRT makes you feel, or have some other discovery. Do you think that you could talk to your parents about your journey so far and where you stand today, without declaring that you definitely are transitioning? That way you haven't boxed yourself in, but have been upfront with the people who care about you the most, and prepped them for heavier news later. They may even be able to give you insight about your childhood that could help you during therapy (that was the case for me). Anyway, I find the days leading up to Christmas are usually stressful and not the best time to approach people with new problems, so maybe wait until a few days after. Hopefully you don't have any menswear under the tree.

[Nadya]

Thank you all for the advice! I've been talking with my wife about this as well but she's letting me figure it out for myself. I guess part of this was to get advice through personal experiences and thank you so much for sharing those with me. Anyway, I haven't started HRT but was planning to explain to my parents what my plans were. I wanted to be upfront with them because I've already made a few simple cosmetic changes that they wouldn't necessarily agree on (ears pierced, growing out hair, etc.) and mostly I'm just tired of hiding my feelings from them and tired of putting myself away for the sake of others. I'm sure others have felt that way. The point of doing it over the holidays is so I could talk with them after they've had time to digest it all. I only get to see them once a year at the most so it is unlikely I'll see them until this time next year. Maybe they'd need that time to come to terms with it but knowing my parents, I don't think the reaction would be negative to the extreme. Most likely a lot of confusion.

<3