I told my wife, she reacted poorly

[LailaLaila]

I took some of te advice on here and used it to tell my wife about CDing. She took it really badly. She made me throw everything away. The ultimatum was divorce. I don't know what to do. I was so happy wearing women's clothes. I thought she would be supportive. What do I do? Help...

[wanabe-Leona]

Try talking her into going to see a counselor were the 2 of can try to talk it out.

[mykell]

my wife did not take it well either but she did not issue any ultimatum, go get your things back, put them in some type of storage. it will not change the outcome of a pending separation if that is where this will ultimately end up.
i think you have to backtrack and read up on what some others here had to endure.
for the meantime give her space if she needs it and try to keep things as normal as possible.
if or when she talks with you about it answer her concerns honestly, its been two years for me and i still have some concerns,

not having the best holiday weekend presently and our proclivity is always another layer to deal with,
during these times i tend to get things done from the "to do" list, finish projects about the house you may have lost interest in and finish them up, or the opposite start the ones you have been procrastinating about and get them done, keeps your mind occupied and toxic thoughts at bay, time is the great healer....
best of luck to all involved....

[alwayshave]

Laila, I'm sorry the big reveal did not go well. I would seek out counseling. But in the end, she may not come around, if so be prepared to either give up dressing or your marriage.

[Suzie Petersen]

Laila,

Sorry to hear that :-( It is not an easy situation but you are unfortunately far from alone with this as many on this forum have been there too.

You dont say much about what happened, and as you are new to posting in the forum, we dont know you yet, so it is difficult to offer any specific thoughts on what to do next. The one piece of advice I can safely give you though, is this: Be very careful listening to advise from anyone here!

We are all different and we all have different circumstances to deal with. What works out for one couple may be completely wrong for another. What is acceptable to one person may be unthinkable to another.
Your wifes reaction is not uncommon at all. What you just revealed to her is a shock to many when they first hear it. Their reaction to this is based on their personal view of the world and of themselves and it can be very difficult to suddenly have to change.

If you feel like it, tell us some more about your relationship, where you are with your dressing and about what happened when you told her. Then others here will share some stories about how it went for them when they went through the same thing. You may be able to use some of those accounts to figure out what is best for you.

Hugs
Suzie

[JocelynJames]

I agree wholeheartedly with Suzie. Every one is different and there is no one way. But I'm fairly certain that most wives and SOs have never said," oh good, I wanted a man that would dress etc like a woman". You have to figure out your wife's code. Is she resistant to change? Has she always doted on your " manliness" ? What was her reaction if any to Caitlyn Jenner? It could be a long process and you need to figure out how much CDing means to you. Good luck, many here have been through it.

[sometimes_miss]

Find a good therapist, do whatever you can to stay together, and hope for the best, and prepare for the worst. Keep a small stash of money somewhere, as well as clothes. Check your bank account online daily (because if she decides to fleece you of everything, there will probably be no warning and you could be left broke with no place to live). If you haven't read the nightmare that some of us have lived through, consider this:
Wives who have felt betrayed have done terrible things to their crossdressing husbands. Suddenly locked out of our homes with the locks changed and a restraining order already put into place, bank accounts emptied, credit cards cancelled, rental cars reported stolen, friends, co-workers and family told not just about our crossdressing, but sometimes other tales of fictional abuse of her (and possibly the kids, in order to get custody), all our belongings just gone (thrown out with garbage day coinciding with the day all the rest took place), the list just can go on and on.
Be careful. And unless you are out, or prepared to soon become out, she could use that against you as well. My ex had no problem with blackmailing me for all the assets, and insisting I take on all the debt. It can get ugly real fast. I remember it too; assuming that all the good things about me could easily make up for just a little thing like wanting to wear girl clothes once in a while. Boy was I wrong, and I paid the price.
Good luck. You're going to need it.

[Rita C.]

it will take some time, just go slow with her.

[I Am Paula]

No matter how well you know your SO, and how open minded they may be, there's a chance of a full blown conniption. I'm sorry it had to happen to you. Don't give up on your marriage, and don't throw out your stuff. Work on it, she may come around. Best of luck.

[karynspanties]

Your marriage will never be the same. Sorry, it is the truth. She never will be able to look at you without picturing you in womens clothes. You should have felt her out on crossdressing issues to see her reaction and opinion on it before you dumped that on her. You can try counseling. Doubt she will go, her opinion is what it is and no counselor will change that. Do yourself a favor and take advise from this forum with a grain of salt.

[Teresa]

Lailalaila,
I'm sorry to hear this, I wonder if you can give more information on your age and how long you've been married, and if children are involved otherwise it's difficult to give more help.

[MissDanielle]

So sorry to hear this.

[Jenniferathome]

Laila,

Can you add more color to the story? What was your relationship like before you told her? No issues? Issues? How did you tell her? What are the details of the reveal? Your details may help others and it will also help anyone here when offering advice. I think the how of the reveal is critical to the reaction.

BTW, telling your wife was the right thing to do.

[SherriePall]

Laila -- Since this is your first post, I only can wish that you had used your first post to get some feedback from us, tailored to your background, before telling your wife. Unfortunately, you must have read advice given to someone else whose circumstances may or may not have been the same as yours.
I wish you the best.

[reb.femme]

...Do yourself a favor and take advise from this forum with a grain of salt.

Including your own? I hear what you are trying to say, but it is a contradiction in terms.

Becky

[Heidi Stevens]

Laila, a good portion of us have run into the situation of a rejecting spouse. First thing you need to do is get 9 more posts in so you can see the majority of the forum. There are other areas where you may find answers for you and your wife.

My wife is in the "not approving" camp as well. I waited years to tell her, big mistake. When the news did come out, she insisted on couples therapy to find answers. The therapist we chose was not up to speed on crossdressing and gave advice from a religous mind set. This may have helped my wife, but teed me off as they did not say up front they held this approach. Result was my wife was told to be ready to move out. Instead she hung in as I got gender therapy from some one who knows the ropes. So don't expect immediate results from counseling.

One thing we've done, an this may work for you and your wife, is Don't ask, don't tell (DADT). I had dresssed 25 years without my wife's knowlege, so I said if I keep Heidi completely from you, could I continue dressing? She has aggreed to this. She is aware of Heidi, but has told me several times, she doesnt want to see any evidence of her. She is expecting to see just her husband when we are together. It's working so far.

[Jenniferathome]

...She never will be able to look at you without picturing you in womens clothes. ...

This is an absurd statement. Based on the women on this forum and the cross dressers who have come out to their wives/SOs this is not remotely the case. In fact, successes far outweigh the opposite. While this is a realistic fear that women can have PRIOR to seeing their husband dressed, it is not what happens. The objective reports here support that.

Your result, karyn, is yours alone.

[MelanieAnne]

I took some of the advice on here and used it to tell my wife about CDing.

That was your first mistake. Sorry to be so blunt. But for every good outcome, a dozen end badly! Cross dressing and marriage mix about as well as oil and water. And all those who advocate coming out, telling your wife, your girlfriend, your boss, your mailman, your neighbor, won't be there for you when it ends badly, except for a few kind words in the forum. You have two choices now. Give up CDing forever, and live with the stress and the ongoing frustration, and a controlling wife, who will never see you as a man again. Or get a divorce and get on with your life, and the freedom to do as you please, when you please, if you please. You only get one life. There are no back buttons, no do overs. You can either live free, or spend the rest of your life in quiet desperation, always giving in to keep peace in the home.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

MelanieAnne, I disagree. Where are you getting your stats?

When I came out to my wife, I thought it would be better to use the incremental approach. I told her I had a pantyhose fetish. That was OK. Pantyhose look better with shaved legs, and she was OK with that. Shaved legs in pantyhose clearly appear more like they should with a skirt and heels. In for a penny, in for a pound, so dresses and all other garments came soon after. It was all logical--until it wasn't.

While my wife did not give me an ultimatum like Laila, she did react strongly against the escalation. I used love, patience, and reason to de-escalate the situation. I spent hours and hours talking about what this meant, and didn't mean, for our future. She is a fortunately a clothes horse and loves fashion, so there was some appeal for her to share that part of her life with me, and benefit from a dramatic expansion of her wardrobe and shoe collection to match mine.

It's been three years since I came out to her. We have reached a comfortable new normal. Last week there were some awesome Black Friday week sales from Bebe and Macy's. I purchased some dresses, skirts, and blouses for both of us, and Wednesday night we had a lovely time modeling them together.

There are women/wives that can deal with this.

Laila...only you know your wife. Also, only you know how important CD is to you. Ultimatums are unhealthy in any relationship. CD won't go away. You will be miserable for the rest of your life unless you confront it--and her--with your true self. If you are the rare person that can park it forever to save your marriage, then good for you. I suggest negotiating some sort of compromise for your own mental health, and then over several years, explore more common ground.

Gretchen

[LailaLaila]

Wow! I never expected all these responses.

A couple of answers: I did "feel her out" on this. I started wearing women's clothes around the house first. She asked, " are those women's clothes?" I said yes. It was great. I was happy, she seemed fine. I got more clothes and, that's when she freaked the hell out. I couldn't have predicted that. I'm thankful I told her before she found anything, otherwise I would have been in a change the locks situation. The "tell her before she finds out" was the piece I got from reading here.

We've talked about it. I'm not going to do CD anymore. I will buy as feminine as possible mens clothes though. That's for damn sure.

I miss it. It makes me happy. I used to wear women's clothes in secret when I was an adolescent. It turned me on and made me feel beautiful. It still does. I don't know why. This is what I can't understand. I See little wrong with it, other than the social stigma.

Thanks everyone for your support and words. I should probably talk to a therapist, but figured maybe posting on here with like minded people would help too. Or not. Who knows.

- - - Updated - - -

Thanks Jennifer. Some people are pretty harsh on here. Sheesh.

Details? Things were great. They're still good. This was a fallout, but we will get through it. I love my wife. I love my family. We will figure it out.

I told her in person and we talked it out. I couldn't have imagined the reaction, but I agree that it's best to have told her. I'm not going to live in secret. A marriage is a team, and I see nothing wrong with what I did. Either way, it needs to be discussed in my opinion.

[Jenniferathome]

...... But for every good outcome, a dozen end badly! ....

This is nonsense. You can not support this statement with any fact. You can not support this statement because the facts are clearly otherwise. This forum represents a large sample of cross dressers. Read the stories, please. You are so far off base you are dangerous.

[ossian]

Leila. I'm sorry things didn't go well. Could you give us more details on how you broke the topic to your wife? Perhaps we could learn from this.

[Lorileah]

In retrospect, maybe you could have eased into it when she asked "are those women's clothes." If things are good, back off for now. You planted the seed, its up to her now

[OCCarly]

Buying feminine men's clothing is a stopgap that will work for a while, maybe a very long while. But eventually there is a likelihood that as a coping mechanism it will break down and you will want the real thing.

I used that particular coping mechanism for about ten years in the 1980's. I used to get lots of feminine guy stuff at International Male in West Hollywood (anyone remember that place?) and I didn't care much if I got mistaken for gay (this was the 1980's, remember?).

I also got in lots of pool and beach time wearing small speedos and men's bikinis. As the social climate in this country shifted farther and farther to the right in the 1990's there were fewer and fewer public places where I could do that.

Eventually it got to a point where speedos in my pool at home was the extent of my femininity. Then I got skin cancer, which put me in mourning like someone had died. That was what forced me to come out to myself, and my wife, as transgender. That was when I got past the denial and realized that what I craved about the men's bikinis was the feeling of femininity.

Fortunately for me, my wife has been very understanding, and she realizes that my health is at stake here. Putting aside the shame, guilt and internal conflict resolved ten years of panic attacks and high blood pressure for me. So, no more sunbathing. But now I get to dress female from head to foot when I am at home.

I wish you luck with your situation. Hopefully things will go well for you.

[ReineD]

Yup, wives tend to freak out when they see their husbands raise the bar without consulting them. It's hard enough to understand why a husband would want to wear women's clothes, but when it begins to ramp up, the wives have no way of knowing how far it will go.

My advice is to let her know that you love her and you are her husband, you want to continue loving her and being her husband, and you do not want to change this. Try to get her to understand that the CDing does not mean you are and want to be a woman, it does not mean that you want to attract men, and it is not because you have a kinky side that you want to keep from her (if this is the case for you).

Also, I agree with Jennifer. Ignore the people who say that all GGs will NEVER see you the same way again, will ALWAYS picture you in a dress, and will not eventually accept the CDing. If the communication is good between you and your wife, if you have no other marital issues, if she is moderate in her values (not overly socially conservative), there is a good chance that eventually she will be able to recognize that you need to dress. She may not jump up in the air with joy and it may take some years before she can feel and trust from the bottom of her heart that fundamentally your marriage is not changing (that you do want to continue being her husband and you do want her to continue being the wife in your relationship), but a fair chunk of GGs are at least able to allow for the CDing without running for the hills.

I used to tag threads about supportive and tolerating wives and so here is the tag cloud search. I stopped tagging some years ago so this is not all the threads we've had on the topic, but still there are many:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/tags.php?tag=supportive+so%2C+support+from+wife%2C +supportive+wife%2C+

[Valery L]

Divorce her, but be prepared first, take care of your properties and your money as much as possible. She does not deserve you and certainly she does not deserve your goods.

[sometimes_miss]

Your marriage will never be the same. Sorry, it is the truth. She never will be able to look at you without picturing you in womens clothes.
This is the big problem you're going to have to deal with. Women don't compartmentalize their lives like men do. She may probably have difficulty with now seeing you as 'less' of a man. Most women have no idea why they are attracted to someone; they chalk it up to 'chemistry'. But it's been studied. Women respond to alpha male traits, and being feminine it all the opposite of that. Now having created an image in her mind of you dressed up as a woman, behaving as a woman, throws into play all the doubts that she could ever have about being able to rely on you. It can completely shatter the feelings of safety, security, and stability that all women want from their mates. If she loses those feelings from you, she will initially try to come to terms with it, but if she can't, she will likely seek them out from someone else, and then your marriage is kaput. Once the sexual desire is gone, and any feeling of security is gone, they no longer feel they need you, and it's over. Not to mention the potential hate and anger that some women develop when they feel that they've been deceived and have now wasted all their best years on a fake man, and no longer are attractive enough to find another acceptable mate.

You should have felt her out on crossdressing issues to see her reaction and opinion on it before you dumped that on her.
That doesn't necessarily help. Lots of women are perfectly tolerant of all types of alternative sex/gender people but NOT their own mate.

BTW, telling your wife was the right thing to do.
We all like to believe that, that honesty is always the best policy. But knowing that we're facing a lifetime alone isn't fair to us, either. Sometimes secrets should remain secrets, what she doesn't know won't hurt her. Consider all the marriages that were fine for decades and then ended abruptly in divorce when one party discovered an affair that occured a quarter of a century ago, and then all of a sudden she feels that she 'doesn't even know him'. But yesterday, everything was fine. The affair was over, the woman he saw is long dead, etc.. Only his wife's image of who he is has changed. But it didn't have to. Neither do wives of crossdressers. Just as many women naively believe their husbands when they are told that he never looks at porn, or never masturbates. They WANT to believe that, just as so many mothers WANT to believe that their children stay virgins until they get married; even as they hear the bedsprings squeeking she believes that they're just 'roughhousing'.

Ignore the people who say that all GGs will NEVER see you the same way again, will ALWAYS picture you in a dress, and will not eventually accept the CDing.
No, not ALL women react that way. But the fact that most women find us unattractive give rise to the belief it happens all too often. To ignore it would be foolish.

This is nonsense. You can not support this statement with any fact. You can not support this statement because the facts are clearly otherwise.
There are no clear statistics on the lives of crossdressers because so many of us are in the closet, and you know that. However, as I have often stated, there are NO legitimate crossdresser straight girl clubs, dating sites, bars, etc.. NONE. ZERO. ZIP. The percentage of crossdressing enthusiastic wives is a fraction of one percent, as is the number who participate in any way. Don't believe me? Go ahead. Start a business matching up crossdressers with women. Believe me, if you can find all those accepting women, you'll be a very, very rich crossdresser. I made this challenge here years ago. No one's had the guts to call me on it. Won't cost a lot of money, either, just the cost of a web page and a phone.

[Marcelle]

Hi Laila,

Firstly, sorry to read about your reveal not going well but from your subsequent post it appears you have things back on track somewhat and are moving forward.

The funny thing about advice on a forum . . . it is always dispensed from a position of personal experience and the one constant about being TG/CD/TS is that while we can claim to share some common ground, no two person's experiences are the same as pesky human personalities/experiences come in to play and unless you are leading a parallel life to another poster, you results may be close or completely opposite but never the same. Should you have told your wife? Well, this is a subject that has been beat to death, brought back from the dead and beat back to death again. The key take away I got from your post is that you read the forum, read the advice, weighed it into your own circumstances and felt it was the right thing to do . . . that is all any of us can do. If you felt it wasn't the right time I am guessing you would not have told her?

So now the fall out. Yup the one constant on this forum is two possibilities (1) It goes well . . . go get your girl on or; (2) not so well (your endgame). It appears you have dealt with that through communication and reached an amicable accord pertinent to your own circumstances . . . again it is all you can do. People will chime in and tell you how bad it can get and that your wife will never see you as a man again or it will be all sunshine, lollipops and unicorns. Both are plausible so is an infinite number of middle ground scenarios. The one statement which does ring true (Reine's I believe) is that "SOs do not handle raising the bar well without being consulted". I am the queen of bar raising in my relationship from the moment I came out as CD . . . "it is just going to be me dressing up at home now and then, no make-up, wigs, or going out" to living full time as a woman two years later. My wife and I are still together and as much as I worry she does not see me as the man she married, she loves me for the person I am not the gender (her words folks before anyone goes off with that is what you think Marcelle). This acceptance was not forced on her but was attained through a constant stream of talks, communications and even extreme yell fests. The key is communication. You have reached an accord and that is great but if buying feminine looking guy clothes is not cutting it and you feel the urge to dress again in women's clothing including underdressing . . . you do need to tell her as she would see that as a betrayal of a promise made.

You are on the right path and the fact that she did not run screaming for the hills indicates there is love there . . . it may have been shaken a bit but still there IMHO. Good luck and keep talking to her.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm not going to do CD anymore.

*But*

I miss it. It makes me happy...It turned me on and made me feel beautiful. It still does.

And, if you don't mind my saying, you have a big but :)

[Sky]

Your marriage will never be the same. Sorry, it is the truth. She never will be able to look at you without picturing you in womens clothes. You should have felt her out on crossdressing issues to see her reaction and opinion on it before you dumped that on her. You can try counseling. Doubt she will go, her opinion is what it is and no counselor will change that. Do yourself a favor and take advise from this forum with a grain of salt.

Hear hear.

I'm really sorry for what happened, Laila. It's up to you and only you to decide whether you will throw everything away and try to make amends with your wife, but unfortunately karyn is right -she will not forget what you told her, and why should she? All too often some of us assume we have the right to be fully accepted by others, and that's completely unrealistic. Just as we have the right to dress how we want, our partners have the right to decide they do not want to be with a crossdresser. Still of course, it's perfectly possible that your wife will want to stay with you. But don't expect her to forget.

[Teresa]

Valery,
Considering the amount of information given in the opening thread I would say your comment is not good advice ! When it comes to it separation and possible divorce it isn't that simple , I came close and the hurt I felt at the thought of my losses were too hard to accept, I know my wife felt the same ! We still have bridges to cross and it could still possibly happen but it's not a snap decision you can make like that !

[ReineD]

That doesn't necessarily help. Lots of women are perfectly tolerant of all types of alternative sex/gender people but NOT their own mate.

You need to take my quote into context, and read the entire paragraph it was placed in. :p

[Tina_gm]

Hi, sorry to hear that things didn't go well with the reveal. You are far from alone, the initial reveal can and does often get bumpy at the least. Mine was not real smooth either. But I can tell you that it is not just the CDing aspect that causes this. Many GG's on here have said what my wife also said to me, that the feeling of betrayal and lack of trust of a secret of this magnitude kept from them for a long time hits real hard. As a married couple, it is presumed by both that you both essentially know everything of importance about each other. When this reveal happens, it often causes a big breach of trust, feelings of not knowing the person whom they married. These are quite normal feelings and quite honestly, not out of line at all. Those are truths we as CDers need to own.

When someone feels angry... again, a normal response to having been kept out of the loop of something of this magnitude for a long time, it is hard to accept, or understand. Anger is a very powerful emotion that often does not allow for much else to filter through.

It has been just about 3 years now that my wife has known. I do not dress in front of her, we do not talk in great detail or length about CDing. (not DADT though) but it is not part of daily conversation. My wife has come a loongg way on all of this, but it has taken quite a bit of time to get to a place where she can feel even remotely comfortable at all. Still isn't some of the time. I would say that the reaction and how my wife and I deal with the CDing is fairly common of all members here who are not TS and or transitioned or transitioning. Yes, there are some who handle it smoothly, others who cannot deal with any of it. Initially, the latter is more common then the smooth. In time, (lots of time) things may get a bit better. Don't push it. The genie is out of the bottle now. You have an otherwise good marriage, so you have a good foundation for your relationship. Things may seem a bit bleak with the CDing, and they may for some time. Hang in there. My wife for a few months was strongly considering ending the marriage.

[sometimes_miss]

Also, I agree with Jennifer. Ignore the people who say that all GGs will NEVER see you the same way again, will ALWAYS picture you in a dress, and will not eventually accept the CDing. If the communication is good between you and your wife, if you have no other marital issues, if she is moderate in her values (not overly socially conservative), there is a good chance that eventually she will be able to recognize that you need to dress. She may not jump up in the air with joy and it may take some years before she can feel and trust from the bottom of her heart that fundamentally your marriage is not changing (that you do want to continue being her husband and you do want her to continue being the wife in your relationship), but a fair chunk of GGs are at least able to allow for the CDing without running for the hills.


OK, nothing was initially left out, but the mods edited it down anyway, Reine. Anyway, this time I highlighted a section that I will refer to. Sorry if that bothers you, but I don't know which way to go, as somebody's always unhappy with what I do. So.....in any event, let's address this highlighted item.

So, what are we talking about here? What's 'a good chance'? One in ten? Eight in ten? I understand you're talking from your own experience and of course we all commend you for your insight here, but the fact remains that most crossdressers are single through no desire of their own, and there isn't exactly a long list of accepting, tolerant wives. It's always nice to hear a success story, but that's the exception, not the rule by any stretch of the imagination.

[Kate T]

Does your wife normally react in an extreme manner? Even if she doesn't I think you just need to give her some time to digest. Also when talking with her listen to HER, HER feelings concentrate on her and don't make it about you.

[Isabella Ross]

There are two tragedies with this post.

The first is that the reveal didn't go well for Laila. To that, I'm not sure what to suggest other than to say your feelings and desires will never, ever go away...and in fact will probably intensify. Also, Karyn is correct...Laila, your wife will never look at you the same way. What's done is done.

Worse, however, is the misinformation being spread by MelanieAnne and others -- that revealing almost always ends up in tragedy. BS. I know dozens of gurls who have revealed. All have done so somewhat successfully, although a couple are somewhat DADT. Hardly scientific, but I don't know a single gurl who has ended up in a disaster as a result. The sad part about this is that someone who is really seeking some good advice on the subject could be convinced not to proceed based on the misinformation presented here. In doing so, they could be denying themselves a far more fulfilling life -- one that is honest and more open, with less frustration and self-loathing.

Reveal = good. As always, the caveat is that everyone and every couple are unique.

[Tashee]

I guess I can't give you advice at this point but I can use your story as a warning to others.. Sorry no disrespect...Please tell your girl before you even propose about the "real you". When you don't its a subtle sign that you are not comfortable with yourself-stable & trustworthy. It is nice to let her know so she can decide if she wants to be with you & its a comfort for you to know she unconditionally accepts you. Sorry about your dilemma. Hope it works out.

[ReineD]

So, what are we talking about here? What's 'a good chance'? One in ten? Eight in ten?

Did you click on the link of all the people here who report positive experiences? :) And these are not even all the threads about this, just those that I and other people have thought to tag.

I've read a few surveys over the years and the results always show that more women stay with men who crossdress, than divorce them. It's important to mention though that if a husband wants to transition then the divorce rate is higher ... but we are talking about occasional CDing, right? And not transition or an intention to transition or dress full time and come out to everyone?

In Mikell's recent thread in Loved Ones, I gave a link to a textbook chapter about the CDing that cites past research. A study from the 1970s showed that 36% wives divorced because of the CDing (this means that 64% stayed with their husbands ... in the 1970s!). This number was improved to 19% of the wives being antagonistic of the CDing in a 1990s study (which means that 81% were supportive or tolerant), with a later study saying that "most wives" (no percentage cited but the reference is there so you can look it up) do not leave their husbands because of the CDing. So now that we are in 2015 and lots of things have improved even further in the last 5 years with increased gay rights and more support for public personalities transitioning, I'm guessing the divorce rate due strictly to the CDing is even less than it has ever been.

But, people need to use common sense. It means compromise and not expecting a wife to enjoy having a lesbian relationship, given that she is hetero. And if a husband is a jerk about it (staying out late and carousing in bars while dressed, having affairs, having hidden profiles on dating sites for cyber sex, repeatedly lying to his wife, making her feel as if the CDing is a greater priority to him than she and their marriage are, by continuously placing the CDing above her needs, etc), then obviously it would affect whether a wife wants to leave or not.

[DanielleLee]

Laila... first and foremost, I'm sorry that you're wife reacted poorly to the news. All I can offer is that sometimes, people do and can change... it's a matter of communication, trust, and compromise. Compromise being what works for your entire household, not just your wife.

I think Laila's thread has become a bit hijacked. The long and short of it, is that all spouses of TG/CD partners will have varying degrees of tolerance, acceptance and encouragement. My opinion (shared) is that there really isn't a valid method of determining how a spouse may take the news.

I think Reine hits the nail on the head in para. 3 of response 38 above regarding compromise.

I disagree with the research referenced in para. 2, or rather I would caution or add, that just because "wives aren't leaving" doesn't mean there is acceptance of the CDing into the marriage. I think that upon discovery relationships are entering into: DADT situations; ultimatums to never do it again or there will be a divorce, which leads to secret dressing; or the staying together for the kids. I think these are more realistic or likely scenarios than that spouses are "much" more accepting of a crossdressing spouse. While it's not as taboo or misunderstood as it once was and yes, people are more accepting... spouses included, I don't think "most" spouses are "cool" with it.

:2c:

[CONSUELO]

Laila,
Sorry to hear of your troubles. I would suggest that you find a good counsellor, one who understands gender and cross dressing issues, and try to persuade your spouse to attend sessions together.

By telling you to get rid of your clothes your spouse has taken a dominant position. You think that you can live with a decision to not cross dress again but from your description of how cross dressing made you feel, the temptation to resume cross dressing will come back and it could be irresistible.

You are what you are and both of you need to understand that and find some workable solution. Burying it will not make the issue disappear.

[Tina_gm]

I would like to add again, that part of the early reveal difficulties have as much if not more to do with feelings of loss of trust and betrayal. Not that the CDing itself is an easy hurdle for many women by any means. I do disagree that anyone who had a somewhat easier time with the reveal and the CDing can just say, do it my way and everything will be fine. Yes, there are lots of success stories on here. I myself would say in general that mine is.... My wife never held any ultimatums about absolute zero dressing. She has said that she cannot handle it in her presence. I do not push that on her out of love and respect for her.

There are a lot of stories on here as well where things went south. I am going to assume that there are many CDers who got caught or revealed and it went south who are not on here, who are suffering from zero dressing to save the marriage or going stealth and back to secretive dressing. Not a happy existence with CDing and they probably just do not want to be on here or get caught on here.

There are so many variables about how this goes either good or bad. basically it is infinite of the variables. how long after marriage did the reveal or discovery happen, how deep does the TG issues go, the background of the partner of the CDer.... social, spiritual beliefs, prior knowing of any CDers or friends, co workers who had a CD partner. Like many who have had very little experience with RW CDing, what they have seen is media sensationalism, TG porn.... portrayal in movies.

Lastly, many women just are not into it, period. They like their men to be masculine. They are heterosexual and like the divide of men and women as it is in tradition. Men are men and do men stuff, women are women and do women stuff.... Sometimes we CDers have to accept these people for wanting the traditional. It is where these people want to be. We can come up with all kinds of adjectives to describe traditional oriented people.... close minded, limited, bigot. personally, I am fine with traditional minded people wanting their traditional style lives. They are happy and content in it. So long as they let others be, live and let live.

What often happens with these later reveals and why any later reveal which goes south is just a great example of why a late reveal or discovery is so often disadvantageous to us as CDers. Reveal early on in a blooming relationship, before commitment and we will find those who accept us, without the conditions, the DADT arrangements. While there are stories of later reveals that went on to be accepting partners, more often, it is the early reveals that have the happier for ever after stories. The later reveals often turn into trust issues, DADT or other strict conditions. A weakening of the marriage or relationship. Not that a later reveal or discovery cannot be overcome, but it usually takes a very long time if it does.

[ReineD]

I think Laila's thread has become a bit hijacked.

Danielle, I think it IS important for CDers to know how the majority of wives feel, and discussions about this are not bringing the thread off track. I've noticed so many times that CDers project their own negative views of themselves onto their wives and believe their wives will necessarily leave them or as someone in this thread said, always "picture them in women's clothes" which implies looking down on them or seeing them somehow as "being less than". This just isn't true, not for most wives.

And so I think it extremely helpful for husbands who are in the process of discussing this with their wives to gain a bit of confidence, which will ultimately have a more positive than negative effect on the outcomes of their discussions. It doesn't mean it will be always be smooth sailing, in other words there might be initial push-back and it can sometimes take a few years before a wife can stop feeling threatened by the CDing, but it's important for husbands to know that disclosure does not automatically equate to the end of their marriages.



I disagree with the research referenced in para. 2, or rather I would caution or add, that just because "wives aren't leaving" doesn't mean there is acceptance of the CDing into the marriage. I think that upon discovery relationships are entering into: DADT situations; ultimatums to never do it again or there will be a divorce, which leads to secret dressing; or the staying together for the kids. I think these are more realistic or likely scenarios than that spouses are "much" more accepting of a crossdressing spouse. While it's not as taboo or misunderstood as it once was and yes, people are more accepting... spouses included, I don't think "most" spouses are "cool" with it.

Well, like I said, the 1990's research showed that 81% of the wives were either accepting or tolerant. It's in the thread I referred to and if you read the Chapter in question (https://us.sagepub.com/sites/default/files/upm-binaries/47510_ch_7.pdf) (the section titled "Marital Discord"), you will see a reference to a study done in 1997 by Docter and Prince of 1,032 CDers, taken mostly from their participation in TG support groups, which means that obviously they did go out and dress in public. Here's the actual study, it's easy to find:

http://www.sexologiaenincisex.com/archivos/biblioteca/tv-001%20prince%20doctor.pdf

Table II: Wives completely accepting 28% (almost 1/3!), mixed views 47% ("have at it, but without me" or "OK I'll buy you makeup but I don't want to see it on you", etc), and completely antagonistic 19% ("stop or I'll divorce you").

Keep in mind, this was almost 20 years ago, in 1997! There is much more awareness of it now than there ever was and so wives are even less likely to think of the CDing as a deviant behavior. As mentioned some may not want to participate or it may take them a few years to relax about it all once they discover that the CDing does not change their husbands. But the idea that most wives are antagonistic simply is not true, as was suggested by some people in this thread.

Also, I think it's important to mention, for members reading this who are just beginning a serious relationship with someone, that in the Docter/Prince study, the percentage of wives who were fully supportive is similar to the percentage of wives who were told prior to marriage.

[Tina_gm]

the percentage of wives who were fully supportive is similar to the percentage of wives who were told prior to marriage. ding ding ding ding.... It really makes a big difference. For all those who are single, or starting a relationship.... for all those who have not yet told but wanting to, the longer you wait, the harder it will likely to be. exceptions, yes, but this is a predictable outcome for the majority.

[Christy Diane]

The only advice I can give is to take it slow and remind her that you love her. My wife's intial reaction was very similar, but over time we reached a compromise we both can live with. We actually have a better relationship now then we did before I told her. I can predict that your situation will turn out the same, but all you can do is wait and see.

[AllieSF]

Reine,

Thanks for the links to these studies. Do you have one for the complete main one containing the "Chapter in question"? I think that these two references are good but also limited. The total respondents (1,032) to the referenced study were primarily, 80%+ I think, from TG support groups. That in itself limits the total representation of the total population out there when considering how few clubs were in existence back when this study took place. With, as you also mentioned, these members being ones who primarily dressed completely and went out dressed, you already have participants who are much further along, braver, or whatever, than what we have as a majority on this site. Most CD members here are still in the closet, though I think today more and more are interested and some of those are actually going out, thus growing the out and about numbers. Those that do go out represent people who have some sort of better self acceptance, courage, and maybe more openness than closeted CD's. So, I think that your conclusions clearly apply to those who are in some sort of support groups, including today's on line versions such as this site. However, I think that even though it may have some correlation to those outside of the support groups, I am not sure that anyone can say that they clearly represent all CD's, especially those that are not out to their wives. Also from the data 80%+ wives of the study participants were aware of their husbands crossdressing, which can be partially attributed to being members of support groups and the high percentage of those who had been out dressed before. I.e. They are more advanced in age and experience and maybe further down the road than the typical closet dressers, and can get out to regular periodic support group gatherings maybe many with their SO's knowledge. On this site I don't think our corresponding percentages come close to those.

After over 8 years on this site I have seen more and more members coming out to their SO's and having some type of success also with a failures too, though I do not believe in any way that "most" wives would be accepting of this. Tolerating, probably yes as in, "I do not want to know anymore about it", out of sight out of mind. More than before, yes, but not the majority. As many say here, very few people can really accurately predict how their spouse will take the big reveal. I have read here where some SO's who appeared very liberal in their thinking about LGBT things, become totally opposite when it is in their home life. NIMBY is still alive and well.

So, what I am trying to say here is that the potential for serious troubles when someone makes the big reveal are still high and each individual needs to carefully weigh what they decide to do (reveal or not) based on their own situation and based on whether they are ready to potentially and probably have a significant change in their current relationship status and conditions. The potential for positive outcomes is getting better but in no way is assured.

Here are a couple of caveat statements by the authors of the study that reference what I am saying above about the type of samples used in the study.

"However, as with the earlier study, our sample cannot be measured against the total population of crossdressers in America because the attributes of such a population are not only unknown, they are virtually unknowable; many cross-dressers do not affiliate with any group or subscribe to transvestite magazines, and their behavior is unknown to outsiders."

"Equally important, our cross-dressers who elect to join support groups and subscribe to publications concerned with cross-dressing appear to be a more socially conventional and demographically "upscale" group."

[Sky]

I have to agree with a previous comment, laila's original question is being hijacked.

Her concern was about how her own wife reacted. Statistics on the percentage of understanding or not spouses are of little help to her: you could say that 100% of her spouses reacted badly.

[ReineD]

Sky, if Laila can get an understanding that most wives do not end up divorcing their husbands over the CDing, then maybe Laila will not give up at the first sign of discord and will continue to keep the lines of communication open. At the very least, Laila should ask his wife why the change of heart, what is it exactly about the Cding that the wife is concerned about, and Laila should be prepared to address those issues in addition to talking specifics (what the CDing means to Laila, what Laila's goals are, how long Laila has been doing this, how Laila feels when Laila does not CDress, etc), and also telling the wife the things I mentioned in my first post in this thread.

Laila did say that his wife seemed fine with the CDing at first, but the wife changed her mind after she saw that Laila ramped it up. We all know that many wives get scared when they see the CDing ramping up because it's an indication that it may go farther than the wife understands or feels comfortable about. And other members have also posted that their wives cooled off when they went overboard into Pink Fogs, with advice to newcomers to beware of the Pink Fog.

So yes, dispelling the myth that all wives are likely to run to the hills at the first sign of CDing is a good thing to do.

Actually, it would be interesting to hear what Laila's wife has to say about this. I would bet my last dollar that it isn't as dire as Laila thinks it is. Why do I think this? It has happened several times in this forum. CDers have posted horrible stories about their wives putting their foot down and not allowing the CDing at all, only to have the wives actually join the forum and post in their husbands thread that it wasn't the CDing in itself they objected to, but some of the associated behaviors (secret internet profiles looking for sex, or overspending on clothes, or going too fast, or a number of other issues).

[sometimes_miss]

I've read a few surveys over the years and the results always show that more women stay with men who crossdress,
The problem is that those surveys aren't random; they're picked from people who volunteer to respond and are active in some type of supportive crossdresser groups. As such, it doesn't come remotely close to include accurate percentages of us. And again, I will state that the number of women who find us attractive is infinitesimal, and that is based on real world experiences. There are women interested in all kinds of things, but crossdressing males isn't one of them. Sure, out of what, 29,000 members here how many have stepped forward with wives who are enthusiastic about their mate's crossdressing? How many DADT relationships survive? Count up those threads and get back to us instead of just giving a blanket statement that there are lots of happy surviving marriages out there. Reine, you're what we refer to as a 'unicorn'; a one in a million occurance, and while you would like to paint a rosy picture of hope, the reality is that most of us have virtually zero chance of finding a crossdresser friendly woman to marry. I'd love to believe you, but there simply isn't any evidence that all those women are out there anywhere. And before you claim that it's not crossdressing that prevents me from finding a mate, I assure you that I have dated plenty of women since my divorce, and absolutely zero were what anyone would call 'crossdresser friendly' (the ones that pretended to be turned out not so much, they were just tolerating it because no one else in their right mind would date them). I don't enjoy being the one to rain on people's parade; but I do feel it necessary to try to keep blowing the pink fog away and see the world with a bit of clarity.

I would like to add again, that part of the early reveal difficulties have as much if not more to do with feelings of loss of trust and betrayal. .
My ex said the same thing; and yet, admitted that had she known about my crossdressing she never would have married me. Marriages survive many things; infidelity, drinking, drug abuse, even the #1 problem (as per our divorce attorneys) differences in how to handle money. But the one thing that changes things dramatically is an alteration in how we are attracted to our mate. Women will stick by criminals, murderers, drunks, drug addicts, etc.. But crossdressing is a sexual turn off for virtually all women, and once that attraction is gone, the love soon follows, and then, it's pretty much all over but signing the divorce papers.

[MelanieAnne]

This is nonsense. You can not support this statement with any fact. You can not support this statement because the facts are clearly otherwise. This forum represents a large sample of cross dressers. Read the stories, please. You are so far off base you are dangerous.

This forum is awash in sad stories of those who came out and wound up divorced, broke, lost their kids, homes, etc. I stand by what I said! You posters who advocate and encourage bad behavior and bad decisions are the ones who are dangerous. There is a lot at stake for those who may be thinking about coming out, and I repeat, most of those efforts end badly!

[Stephanie47]

This is nonsense. You can not support this statement with any fact. You can not support this statement because the facts are clearly otherwise. This forum represents a large sample of cross dressers. Read the stories, please. You are so far off base you are dangerous.

Jennifer, you have no facts either to support your position. You have to remember this is a forum of like minded individuals, and, any sampling done from comments on this site would never meet any standards of polling. Even the number of active participants is a fraction of the registered members. And, it always amazes me as to the number of "guests" reading in the open to all section vs in the members only sections.

Anyway, I will agree with the comments that really indicate the sole and any truth for the OP, you're in it alone to sort it all out. If time had been taken to read and read and read some more it would have become evident there was a good chance things were destined to possibly blow up and not work out well.

The only advice I would have had is to not try to float this idea by a wife during a holiday season.

[ReineD]

The problem is that those surveys aren't random; they're picked from people who volunteer to respond and are active in some type of supportive crossdresser groups. As such, it doesn't come remotely close to include accurate percentages of us.

Well, where else are surveyors to find CDers, except those who are out in public? How on earth do we get CDers who are deep in the closet and who do not even attend support groups, to answer questionnaires? My SO and I belong to a rather large TG support group. I would say that the people who attend are representative of the members in this forum. They talk about the same things at dinner. They have the same concerns, they look about the same as the members who post pics in the Gallery. So why would the 1,000 CDers who attend support groups and who agreed to take the survey be different from anyone else? :rolleyes:

SometimesMiss, do take the time to read the research I posted. Look at all the questions and answers objectively. You will see that it pretty much mirrors the membership in this forum.



And again, I will state that the number of women who find us attractive is infinitesimal, and that is based on real world experiences.

Who ever said that wives should be attracted to their husbands while crossdressed? We're talking about a level of support that enables the CDer to express himself while retaining his marriage, aren't we? Laila did mention that the concern is divorce and not that the wife should be attracted to the CDing? I fully support my SO, as you know, and I love him deeply. Yet I am not attracted to women. But, we work that out, just like all the other successful marriages in this forum.


EDIT - I posted this link earlier, and I'll post it again for the benefit of the few members who posted just before this post. They are stories from people in this forum who do have supportive or tolerant wives. And again, these are not all the threads, just the ones that a few people thought to tag for the tag cloud:

SUPPORTIVE AND TOLERANT WIVES AND SOs (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/tags.php?tag=supportive+so%2C+support+from+wife%2C +supportive+wife%2C+)

[PaulaQ]

This forum is awash in sad stories of those who came out and wound up divorced, broke, lost their kids, homes, etc. ... There is a lot at stake for those who may be thinking about coming out, and I repeat, most of those efforts end badly!

It's really between what you say, and what JenniferAtHome says. Lots of marriages will break up over this, yes. Most will not. However, I think the statistics are like ~60% stay together. Note: "Stay together" may still mean your marriage is pretty terrible after this - but hey, they didn't divorce. You don't hit "most fail" territory until you start talking about transition.

At the end of the day, if you don't feel you can be honest about who you really are with your spouse, why do you want to stay in a relationship with them? Yes, divorce sucks. Yes, losing stuff sucks. But divorces happen for all kinds of reasons. Why is this any different? I assert that it just isn't, really. Why do you want to be in a relationship that makes you feel awful. You can hear the sadness in a lot of the posts from married CDs about how they fear discovery, wish their wives understood them, etc. Why would you want to be in a relationship where you feel like that?

I understand why many of us don't come out before starting the relationship. I didn't, and I paid the price for that. It isn't a fair situation for us, I know all too well that it isn't. But despite all of that, and as unfair as the world can be, we still owe people we want to be in relationships with honesty. Unfortunately, sometimes our payment for our honesty will be rejection. Often that will be the case. Nevertheless, honesty at the start of the relationship is the only ethical thing to do. It would be different if coming out could result in legal arrest, or other severe sanction that jeopardized your safety. But that just isn't the case for most of us in the US.

I also understand the fear of having NO relationship ever again in the future. And for many of you, if you only consider relationships with straight, vanilla women, you are going to have a tough go of finding a relationship. I truly believe, though, that if you are flexible, learn about the kinds of people who might want to be in a relationship with you because you know what you need and can offer in a relationship, and can be really honest about who you are, that love is out there. But you may need to do a LOT of work on yourself - on who you are - to find it.

When I started my transition - and this was a lot more to reveal than what most of you have to tell - I feared I'd never be in another relationship again. That hasn't been the case for me at all. But I also did a lot of work on learning who I really am, and what I really want and need, and what I can offer to someone else. I've changed a lot - and that may be what some of you need to consider. I'm not talking about medical transition stuff, or even social transition. I'm talking about really understanding and accepting who you are, and how your feelings really work.

[Michelle (Oz)]

One thing we've done, an this may work for you and your wife, is Don't ask, don't tell (DADT). *snip* She is aware of Heidi, but has told me several times, she doesnt want to see any evidence of her. She is expecting to see just her husband when we are together. It's working so far.
Sorry to hear of the outcome Laila. It sure is a difficult time for you and you would feel guilt for upsetting the woman you love. It does seem though that you will be able to work through the shocks and disappointments to emerge a stronger and loving couple. It may not seem this way at present but love can take many forms.

I'd read lots of advice on the forum before talking to my wife about 4 years ago. I hadn't been hiding dressing. After a 3 year absence the urge/need to dress came storming back. The outcome of my reveal was totally unexpected and unpredictable. She threatened suicide - couldn't live with me, couldn't live without me. They were 6 difficult, emotional and hurtful months feeling that my wife didn't truly love me. On her side, she felt betrayed - she didn't have the man in her life that she thought she had.

I suspect that much of her fear for the future was from ignorance and uncertainty.

While there are some differences with Heidi's situation, over the last four years DADT has worked very well for us. My wife knows I dress, where my clothes are (spare bedroom) and that I launder them each week. We talk about fashion, make up, hair colours but never about me. She doesn't want to see, hear or know about my femme life. I periodically acknowledge that I know she knows I dress and I'm very grateful that I can.

Some might say that's sad to live compartmentalised lives and not have my best friend in my femme life but I am able to dress 4 or so days a week in any style I please and go anywhere I want. I can epilate arms, shave chest and legs. She overlooks the occasional mistake in taking off makeup or nail polish.

So my experience is that a reveal that goes badly need not end badly but it takes time to heal and sort out a way forward that works for both of you. Laila, that is likely to involve you dressing.

[MichelleDevon]

Laila, you said it..."a marriage is a team"

I'm sure we all feel for you and can empathise with the outcome of your "coming clean". Your wife's reaction, sadly, is nothing unusual. The initial reaction is usually rejection I think but then there has to be a period of reflection and a re-assessment of where you are and where you BOTH want to go. As you rightly stated - "a marriage is a team". It is not the prerogative of either partner in that team to make unilateral decisions about what is and what is not acceptable.

So have a cooling off period. I would not throw anything away nor would I agree to never CDing again - experience suggests that you will not be able to deliver that promise in the long-run. Yes, it is better to have it out in the open - it assuages your guilty conscience but the downside of that is that your wife is faced with something she is far from comfortable with. Openness is key here in the way forward. This is something that is important to you and appears to be part of who you are (and so say all of us) but your wife is struggling with it. For her to impose that sort of ultimatum on you is not good for the future of the relationship; it will continue to rankle with you and will likely fester away only to re-surface in the future. It is better to talk in a controlled situation, with a counsellor, and have a sensible discussion leading to an agreed compromise - on the assumption that you wish to continue going forward together.

Teamwork is about having shared goals, agreed parameters and having one partner who dictates terms to the other is not part of "teamwork". It is hard for SOs suddenly to discover this "other part" of us; it is no surprise that they react badly - we have kept this secret from them, we seem suddenly to be a different person, our sexuality and commitment is suddenly brought into focus and questioned. But neither party should make sudden rash decisions about what should and what should not be permitted.

If you are both committed to being together for the longer-term, as a team, then this has to be discussed rationally and you have to agree the compromise solution that you both sign up to. Do not sign up to something you can't, or don't want, to deliver - it has to be acceptable to BOTH.

You may well find that you can agree some middle ground and you may, like me, find that the boundaries can be pushed back over time. However you take this forward you will find others here who have been there before you - you will never be short of advice or support but it is for you and your wife to determine how you go on from here.

Good luck Laila, you'll need it

Michelle
xxx

[AllieSF]

"So why would the 1,000 CDers who attend support groups and who agreed to take the survey be different from anyone else?"

Reine,

I have to ask how you can justify that they would they be representative of "all" the other CD's out there? Even the study authors said that their study was not and could not be representative of the total population, meaning that it was the results of a small niche part of the whole voicing their opinions. I agree that what study had for participants may very well be similar to what we have on this site. Here we have over 40,000 member with only a fraction active at any one time, plus a lot of guests regularly reading what they can here. Those that participate regularly an even smaller part of the active members at least have that courage to open their mouths, actually use their fingers typing, to ask for help or voice their opinions. What about all the rest? No, this study does not represent the real world, only a part of it. Extrapolation to form definitive statements about all of us is not possible from that study, as acknowledged by the authors. It gives possible explanations but far from definitive ones.

[ReineD]

Reine,

I have to ask how you can justify that they would they be representative of "all" the other CD's out there? Even the study authors said that their study was not and could not be representative of the total population, meaning that it was the results of a small niche part of the whole voicing their opinions.

Aaarrrgghh! ::wall: (Sorry for the rant. lol)

Please people, read objectively and with common sense!

Laila, I do apologize for the few who keep bringing this up, but since they did I feel compelled to respond so that others reading this thread will not relapse into the prevailing myth of a majority antagonistic GGs.

This is from the study:



The present sample is non representative in that it does not include cross-dressers such as female impersonators, so-called "drag queens", or any substantial number of applicants for sex reassignment surgery. The exclusion of these cross-dressers almost certainly results in underestimating the percentage of homosexual men who would be self-identified cross-dressers. Equally important, our cross-dressers who elect to join support groups and subscribe to publications concerned with cross-dressing appear to be a more socially conventional and demographically "upscale" group. We also believe our sample is biased in favor of cross-dressers who believe research of this kind is worth giving their time to. If this is true, we reason that our sample probably includes a disproportionate number of better educated men who have both the time and motivation to complete an extensive survey form.


So to recap, the survey does NOT include a large number of:

Drag-queens
TSs
Homosexuals

The survey does include large numbers of:

Crossdressers
Heterosexuals
Better educated men


If any of you believe that this is not representational of the CDers (not TSs) who habitually post in this forum's CD section, then I don't know what else to say. :wall: lol. As far as I can tell, most of the CDers here are not drag-queens, they are hetero (they certainly do have a lot of concerns over their marriages to GGs), and they do express themselves consistent with people who have had some education.

[AngelaYVR]

Perhaps, if anyone knows how to set one up, we should run our own survey and see how our little family here responds!
Between wives 1&2 and the woman inbetween, I'm two out of three for accepting. Women are not intrinsically open to it, it's all about what you bring to the table.

[IamWren]

In reading part of the study I noticed in the "Method" section (pg3 of the file) that it says only 30 to 35% of the participants responded to the survey. Am I reading that wrong or did only 310 or so of that 1,032 actually participate.

Either way, the only stat I'm concerned about is the 100% that encompasses the 1 person I am married to and I just can't see myself disclosing my CDing to her just yet. The pros simply do not out weigh the cons if a reveal went sideways. Maybe in time I'll feel I can tell her if I think her ideas about it change. But right now I don't think she would accept it.

I'm so very sorry this went sideways on you Laila. I hope that after a little cooling off you two can start some meaningful dialogue and work things out.

Love and hugs
Sayyidah

[ReineD]

Sue, no. They handed out the survey to over 3,000 people, and only about a third responded ... which is another thing that is consistent with the average CDer. Most would be concerned about privacy, and so would not want to send in responses ... as did the two-thirds of the people who got the questionnaire in 1997 and who chose to not respond.

[xNicolex]

I took some of te advice on here and used it to tell my wife about CDing. She took it really badly. She made me throw everything away. The ultimatum was divorce. I don't know what to do. I was so happy wearing women's clothes. I thought she would be supportive. What do I do? Help...


This is the fear we all have when coming out about our crossdressing :( I'm so sorry to hear that your wife reacted badly, its always hard telling the ones close to us and worse when your met with rejection :( On the other hand at least you are open about it and its out there now, there a couple of ways to look at this from your wife's point of view she may see this as a betrayal of thrust seen as you didn't tell her before you were married.
Another is that she may feel threatened by this female side to you or she may be just in shock and needs some time to come around to the idea. In these cases its important to consider your wife's feelings and maybe suggest you both go to therapy to work through it if needs be. You have learned now that its not wise to assume even loved ones will accept unfortunately :( But the most important thing to remember here is that this is a part of who you are and there is no way to change that you will always crave that feminine part of yourself :straightface: I suppressed my crossdressing for 10 years and it stayed with me until I came to except it. Just be yourself because if you pretend to be someone else for the sake of your marriage you risk living a lie and being unhappy :( just make sure whatever decision you make its better for you and your wife in the long run good luck and remember there are alot of us here for support :hugs:

[Sky]

The one thing we engineers know is that statistics can be used to disprove gravity.

[Leeanne2015]

I have told my wife about being bi-sexual, but have never told her about my crossdressing. This post is one reason why I have not told her. I would love for me and her to go out me dressed of course and pick up another man to have a wild threesome with. I love my wife and could definitely handle another guy inside her as long as we play together.

[TinaW]

I know the feeling, I told my first wife and she immediately started divorce proceedings. I haven't told my second wife....

[alwayshave]

I know the feeling, I told my first wife and she immediately started divorce proceedings. I haven't told my second wife....

While my first wife never caught on, I didn't enter a permanent relationship with my fiancee till she was on board with my crossdressing, I'd rather be alone than enter into another relationship without crossdressing. I won't hide again.

[Jenniferathome]

I know the feeling, I told my first wife and she immediately started divorce proceedings.....

Really? So everything was great at home. You guys had an open and caring relationship then you tell her you cross dress and it's divorce? I'm calling bull on that.

I written many, many times that if a relationship has a solid foundation, cross dressing will not end it. That is not to mean one;s wife will jump in excitedly. DADT may be the result, BUT the relationship continues BECAUSE there was a foundation.

[Samantha_Smile]

Laila - For context here, I haven't read anyone elses reply, I'm just giving you an unbiased opinion from a CD who's wife knows, accepts, but does not actively encourage.

What do you do.
First thing - Do your own research. Your post count suggests you haven't been here long. So figure out exactly what CDing is for you. Is it a hint at underlying transexualism or is it simply fetishistic role play stuff.
It's important to know because your wife will want to know and you need to know if your dressing is important enough to divorce over.
Second - Try to educate her. Theres a big section of this forum dedicated to just that. Gather as much info as you can and give it to her when you think the time is right.
Third- Consider relationship counselling. And don't treat counselling as a stigma, trust me, counselling can work wonders. Might even be worth seeing someone by yourself to help discover what dressing is to you.

Don't expect this to work overnight.
My wife goes through periods of acceptance and 'less' acceptance, but the truth of the matter is, she married her man. She doesn't want that being threatened.
Her initial reaction, while strong, was understandable.

Talk to her!

[sweetgal]

15 years later after telling my wife and she still doesn't want to talk about it or be involved with it.

[PaulaQ]

I written many, many times that if a relationship has a solid foundation, cross dressing will not end it

How can the foundation of a relationship be strong if one of the partners in it has lied about something so fundamental about their identity? I've never understood how that could be possible. I understand that some people are strong enough to work through the damage of finding out that they've been told a pack of lies for a long time, but I would think that was personal enough of a thing - like surviving infidelity - that survival of the relationship was not a sure thing in all cases.

[Julie1123]

Sorry to hear the telling didn't go so well. When I told my long term girlfriend that I was starting to explore crossdressing more and more it was brutal. I felt like I was on the verge of losing her. In the end though we came to a don't ask, don't tell agreement. Where as long as I kept it out of sight she would be tolerant of it. That was many years ago and we're still going strong.

You were very brave to tell your wife and it was absolutely the right thing to do. Just try and keep being honest with yourself and with her about what you need, and let her know that her needs are important too and hopefully, maybe, you'll be able to come to some sort of agreement that you both can live with. Like many have advised me here, go slow, don't push, and don't do things in secret without acknowledging to your wife that you will be.

I can't guarantee that it will work for you, just as no one else can guarantee that it won't. None of us know you or your wife personally and none of us can say for certain that things will end up one way or the other.

Good luck and keep us posted.