My mom found my stash...

[MissDanielle]

Even though I came out as trans or a CD earlier this month to my parents, they weren't supportive or accepting about what I told them. My mom found my stash today and a big fight exploded just now. I'm not meeting with a therapist until later in December when I have a day off from work.

My mom things that I am "bored with myself." She thinks sexual identity and gender identity are the same thing. She doesn't get how the brain works. My dad thinks I'm nuts.

I don't know how why I do what I do. All I know is that this is who I am. I've repressed myself for 18 years because I didn't know how or why I had the thoughts that I did. When I put on both a bra and panties on Friday night, I had a feeling that overcame me like never before. It wasn't just the feeling girly part that I loved but the part where I was feeling sexy about myself for the first time in my life. None of my guys clothing were ever able to do that.

My plan to move out of this house is happening a lot sooner than expected. I needed somewhere to vent and other than the few friends that I'm out to, I had nowhere to turn.

[PaulaQ]

My mom things that I am "bored with myself." She thinks sexual identity and gender identity are the same thing. She doesn't get how the brain works. My dad thinks I'm nuts.

I don't know how why I do what I do. All I know is that this is who I am. I've repressed myself for 18 years because I didn't know how or why I had the thoughts that I did.

Yeah, most cisgender hetrosexual people (cis-het for short) don't know the first thing about gender identity, sexual orientation, many don't know much about sex itself. Why should they know about these things - the world has made their identity the default, universally acknowledged and accepted choice. You aren't bored with yourself. That's a really weird idea, seems to me!

Nobody knows why you do what you do. Ultimately, it doesn't really matter - this is a part of who you are. Or possibly, if you are unlucky as some of us are, it's ALL of who you are. How big a part of you this is, and where this all goes, who can say? I will tell you that you are powerless to stop this. It's bigger and stronger than you are. There is no therapy that will make you stop short of destroying your mind.

Does your mom think you are gay or something? And if that's what she thinks, what's the big deal? I know you aren't, but there's nothing wrong with being gay. Even the US Supreme Court agrees with that - and I think they probably know a thing or two...

I'm sorry you are having trouble with your folks. This is hard for a lot of people to accept, unfortunately. Many of us know that all too well.

[EllieMayxxx]

I feel for you. This sucks to hear about what is happening. It's hard not being understood. I was so close to buying a pair of my own panties a few minutes ago but I didn't incase my parents got the package before me. Im still considering buying them but i don't want them knowing by mistake. Im really not sure if I should get them or not because I don't want to go through arguments.

[Tracii G]

Charlotte go to a store and buy some then you don't have to worry.

Sorry Miss D that you have to go thru this I hope it all works out.
At least you told them and that the hardest thing for most CD's to do.
Give your parents time to digest it all.

[MissDanielle]

I hope they will accept me as their daughter when the time comes. I'm more TG than CD. My feminine side has grown stronger every day since I stopped repressing myself. I'm speeding up my move, go through some more therapy and G-d willing start on HRT. I don't want to invest in breast forms when I want to have the real things!

I'm glad I have the people here that understand me. My close friends have accepted me and support me as Danielle. Even my first cousins have, too. My parents just aren't there just yet.

[Robin414]

I'm so sorry to hear the news Miss D! I think IMHO it's a shock to your parents though and it WILL pass! I'm a parent myself and during my 'great purge/blinders to anything non-conforming' my son dyed his hair bright red, I thought he was 'nuts' as well but he was still my son and I never stopped loving him and despite the fact I still don't 'get' his look I'm COMPLETELY OK with it, I came to that realization before the pink hurricane hit me as well!

[S. Lisa Smith]

Danielle, hope things turn out to be better than you expect. Good luck!!! We are here for you!!

[ashleyjane15]

I've told Danielle this story the other day but I will retell it here.
I put my delicates in the washer, my mother took them out and put them in the dryer. My anxiety sky-rocketed. Luckily she didn't push the issue because I asked her not to make me explain it. But today, I accidentally left a pair of my pants in the dryer. I almost had a panic attack because they got mixed in with her clothes. I'm scared that I will have to tell her the whole story before I am ready. She knows that I have experimented ever since I was little. But I don't think she realizes how far along for lack of a better term, it has gone. So, I know what you are going through D. I can't say for certain if it will get better but I am glad you have people who love you for just being you.

[MissDanielle]

I'm glad I have those people who love me for being me, too.

[Jazzy Jaz]

I hope things work out well for you Danielle. Goodluck with everything.

[OCCarly]

Danielle are your parents Jewish? I ask because most Jewish folks (other than the Orthodox) are pretty liberal about gender transition. Most reform rabbis interpret Adam as having been created bigender, since Eve was a part of Adam and was created from his rib, and there are ancient Jewish texts that interpret Genesis this way. Some liberal Jews consider Jesus Christ to have been female to male transgender, since he was immaculately conceived by a woman, and his biology would of necessity have been entirely female. Some Christians, of course, would consider this blasphemy, but to each his own.

[Rachelakld]

For me
If your dad things your nuts - agree but specify "nuts but nice", "nuts but still myself", "nuts and I still love you and need your understanding", "nuts but made by god"
I tell my kids, I'm crazy, but in a nice way, not a bad way.

My mum just washed my girl clothes and said "don't tell dad", 30 years later and he's cool with it now

Best of luck

[Marcelle]

Hi MD,

It is unfortunate to have such anxiety heaped on you when you are trying to figure things out. I am not going to condone your parents behavior but then again if we put ourselves in their place (not knowing what we know) as a parent I can kind of understand. The good thing I read in your post is that while they may be upset, confused and perhaps a bit angry they have not "thrown you out of the house". Our children tend to be a reflection of our own ability to parent and when we feel things have gone astray internally we tend to blame our own perceived shortcomings "Is it something I did as that caused this?" which sometimes can be externally projected as disappointment and anger with displacement "thinks you are just bored with yourself" rather than trying to fully understand/rationally deal with the problem.

I don't know you or your parents but I have gone back and read your other posts and I get from your writings they are good people but are probably very confused and uneducated about the TG world. Give them time, work through your own self-acceptance, figure out where you land on the TG spectrum and bring them along as you move forward. Will they ever fully accept you as a woman (if that is your destination)? Unfortunately there is no guarantee but I get a sense from your writings they would probably make the effort to try . . . given time.

Cheers

Marcelle

[MissDanielle]

Danielle are your parents Jewish? I ask because most Jewish folks (other than the Orthodox) are pretty liberal about gender transition. Most reform rabbis interpret Adam as having been created bigender, since Eve was a part of Adam and was created from his rib, and there are ancient Jewish texts that interpret Genesis this way. Some liberal Jews consider Jesus Christ to have been female to male transgender, since he was immaculately conceived by a woman, and his biology would of necessity have been entirely female. Some Christians, of course, would consider this blasphemy, but to each his own.

Both of them are closer to Reform but belong to a Conservative shul.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Vent any time you want Miss D- we're glad you want to share your experiences with us.

I hope your move works out well, but also that you can rebuild the relationship with your parents...when they're ready for it. Perhaps by next Thanksgiving...

Best wishes for the future-

Nikki

[MissDanielle]

I just hope I can cope over the next few months. I never felt more like myself than the moment I had bra and panties on while wishing I was wearing a cute top/skirt and a dress. I didn't think I had dysphoria issues until I dug deep into memories and realized how many times that I looked in the mirror and arranged things to where It appeared I had a vagina rather than a penis.

I've always been a girl. I just needed over 31 years to realize it.

Just a few more months...

[pamela7]

after the initial shock and denial your parents will move into an acceptance of what is. Time and space and personal strength will see you through the initial phase.

[Natasha V]

Even though I came out as trans or a CD earlier this month to my parents, they weren't supportive or accepting about what I told them. My mom found my stash today and a big fight exploded just now. I'm not meeting with a therapist until later in December when I have a day off from work.

My mom things that I am "bored with myself." She thinks sexual identity and gender identity are the same thing. She doesn't get how the brain works. My dad thinks I'm nuts.

I don't know how why I do what I do. All I know is that this is who I am. I've repressed myself for 18 years because I didn't know how or why I had the thoughts that I did. When I put on both a bra and panties on Friday night, I had a feeling that overcame me like never before. It wasn't just the feeling girly part that I loved but the part where I was feeling sexy about myself for the first time in my life. None of my guys clothing were ever able to do that.

My plan to move out of this house is happening a lot sooner than expected. I needed somewhere to vent and other than the few friends that I'm out to, I had nowhere to turn.

I have the same feeling my male clothes never made me feel better about myself. I have much more self confidence.

Give them time they will ask questions later to better understand what we feel.

[XemmaX]

moving out is the best in this situation. one it will allow you to independently develop as a person and being independent of your parents will allow to rebuild your relationship with your parents ( if you want to do that ) on your own terms. best of luck!

[Beverley Sims]

It is unfortunate that you have to live with such an ultimatum.

If only parents could understand and be more supportive.

There is the other side, you don't understand yourself yet and of course how would you expect your parents to understand?

Time can be a great healer here.

[gokatiegirl]

I remember taking home a picture of me with a bunch of t-girls in the late 70s and my mom found it. I looked exactly like my sister when dressed and my mom accused my sister of hanging out with a bunch of tramps. I sat there eating my bowl of cereal while they fought abut it. It took them a few years to figure out it was me.

[ChristinaK]

Hi Miss Danielle,

Ordinarily, I wouldn't be advising the way I am going to, but you are very young. I have raised five children and know that thoughts and feelings change greatly over a period of time, such that when you are thirty you will be a much different person than you are now.

You talked about HRT and growing breasts. How cool that would be for me. But, you have a long way to go. If you are hetero, it will be difficult to find a good woman that will accept you. If you are gay, then the same may be the case as I understand they desire a man and not a woman. Then there's the job issue. I lived in KY for 8 years and know that most of the state is very conservative. If you don't blend very well, that may be an issue. What about kids? Do you want kids? Many people your age don't want kids, but when they get older they completely change their minds. Consider getting your sperm frozen, it will be worth the price down the road.

I recommend you take a few years as a Cd'er before you transition. What's the hurry? In the meantime you can perfect Danielle as a woman and give your parents a chance to warm up to Danielle, as well as other people in your life. It would give you a chance to continue maturing and even entering relationships as a man.

I'm not trying to discourage you at all. I am concerned about you making a hasty decision on something that will affect the rest of your life when you are in a major life transition already. Believe me, my thirty-something kids would absolutely agree with me.

Good luck with your parents. They most likely will get used to the idea even if they never like it. They love you and even if they're disappointed, they still love you. You do have to make your own decisions, just take your time so you won't have any regrets.

I think that if transitioning when I were young was an option, I would have wanted to as well. Looking back, I think my life has been better than if I had been able to do so when I were young. I can still be Christina and be me as a man too. There are a lot of advantages to that. Good luck.

[Teresa]

Danielle,
I guess the first pain is still living under the same roof as your parents at 31, yes a move has to happen and soon irrespective of your CDing.
When your mom found your stuff what did she do , bin it or just told you to move it out of sight ?
I wouldn't over worry about where you are on the gender road, try and get your move made as soon as possible, dress to be comfortable when you can and try and avoid the pink fog. The picture will become clearer when you start to talk it through with your counsellor, when you have it settled in your own mind you can then deal with your parents acceptance and understanding . I'm afraid you'll have to distance yourself from your parents until you accept where you are and come to terms with it otherwise they will keep undermining your thought process .

[ChristinaK]

My mistake. I thought you were 18. Didn't do the math on your profile. But, the same holds true. I agree with Teresa, that moving out is essential and everything else she posted.

At thirty-one, you should be able to make such a drastic decision, but do think about those things carefully that will change your life forever.

[MissDanielle]

I have a very super-detailed memory. Over the course of the last month, I have done a lot of introspection, soul searching, praying, and digging through all of these memories, some of which were long forgotten. The dysphoria signs were there but I just didn't realize it at the time.

Yes, I want kids. Yes, I'll have to freeze my sperm. No, I am not into men. Only Jewish women because I'm not marrying outside the faith. TBH, I've never viewed myself as husband material.

I am moving by March at the latest. I have a great circle of friends that I have been able to confide in and this girl couldn't be happier. I just hope my parents come around at some point.

[Teresa]

Danielle,
I have a feeling that many CDers have good long term memories, I can never forget my CDing history and how I've tried to live with it.
I'm glad you're talking about a partner and children, despite our CDing we do make good husbands and fathers. I just hope you find the right person to share those joys with, and please don't discount it I had two GFs that accepted my CDing so it can happen .

[MissDanielle]

I have a female brain if all these online tests and quizzes are accurate, including the BBC.

ETA:
Round three of fighting when I got home from work today. "Weird, weird, weird" as my mom just said.

I've had that feeling of depression all day long because I'm not wearing the clothes that make me feel better about myself. I can't do part-time. I just can't. I have to live as Danielle 24/7.

The only reason I'm still under their roof is because I moved out once and was unable to find a job when the economy crashed. Parents kept me up for so long before forcing me back. I had a job from 2009 through July 2012 but got laid off. Enrolled in a paralegal certificate program that took me through all of 2013 while draining my savings to pay bills. Didn't get a job until March 2014 and it was part-time with inconsistent hours. This took me through this past March. After the holidays, the hours were inconsistent. It took until May to find something. Sure, it's not doing what I'd prefer but it's a paycheck and if I continue to save instead of splurging on clothing, I'll have more than enough to survive two months if it takes a while to find a job. I'm reaching out to employment agencies tonight and I've been in touch with the appropriate folks about finding an apartment. But this move is definitely happening in February at the earliest.

[xNicolex]

hi D this is a hard spot your in :sad: but every cloud has a silver lining :) I am wondering if you brought your parents to your next therapy session your thearapist may help them become more understanding. I believe that a lack of proper information is one of the root causes of peoples ignorance to us crossdressers :straightface: good luck with the move and the job hunt I know its hard when I can't dress as nicole I don't feel sexy either. hang in there it will get easier as time goes on :D just remember the people you have to support you :hugs:

[MissDanielle]

Here's the thing: I'm not a CD. I'm TG. Once I stopped repressing myself, I started to learn more about who I really am. I need the carpet to match the drapes and right now, it doesn't. When I got dressed on Friday and Saturday evenings, I didn't feel complete. It was like I was missing essential parts. Sure, I felt sexy about myself for the first time in my life but I wanted to see REAL breasts looking back at me. I didn't like seeing the bulge in my panties.

Growing up, I never would allow myself to admit that I really was a girl inside because it wasn't seen as normal. I wasn't one of the athletic kids. I was always shy. I don't even know if being TG is seen as normal now but it's more accepted by open-minded folks in society now than ever before.

I cannot tell you the number of writing projects in which I've explored transgender themes. I probably wrote those in some ways to feel like I was living since I couldn't really be myself at home. I'm moving in just over two months and then I can start to be me. The real me. The authentic me.

[xNicolex]

you are perfectly normal D don't let anyone ever tell you different :) If you want to become the woman you always knew you were meant to be then you go for it girl. Living comfortable as your true self is better than living a lie :battingeyelashes: just let you be you and nothing else, good luck :battingeyelashes:

[MissDanielle]

If there's one thing I hate more than anything in the world: it's living a lie. And clowns.

[SabrinaEmily]

I'm taking that for my signature.

There's not much to be said to you, in the moment of waiting and struggling to get to the point where you can be who you really are. So I'll just say...keep holding on, keep moving forward.

[MissDanielle]

Thanks, Sabrina :)

[MissDanielle]

I'm pretty sure they've thrown out any of the packages I've ordered lately.

My parents have said this week alone:
"weird"
"loner"
"bored to death"
"mentally ill"
"not normal"

They are not educated on transgender issues. My mom doesn't understand how being transgender is not a choice and that's not even taking religion into account.

Then somebody please explain why these urges have not gone away during most of my life. Why should I have to repress who I am?!?

[elliemoss]

So sorry to hear about your troubles miss Danielle. Unfortunately there are still a lot of people (especially older generation) who just don't understand. What people don't understand they generally fear. It could be a great idea to put together an email to your parents. Take your time on it and put down all your true feelings. Explain to them that it does not change the person you are that they still have a very loving, healthy child just that it's a large aspect of yourself that needs to be expressed. Maybe include some links to helpful sights so they can learn a bit more about it and find out that it's far more common than I'm sure they imagine. If they don't have an email account then print it out and give it to them. Leave it a few days or a couple of weeks and let them read it and soak in the info and I'm absolutely sure in time with more understanding they will come around and it won't be such a big deal to them afterall. Hope that helps xx

[MissDanielle]

I sent an email at the start of November when I realized I was trans.

[sbay06]

Danielle, I just came out to my parents a few months ago. I had been hiding it from them for about 19 years. They were surprised and curious to know more. I am from the Portland area, which is pretty liberal. So, I think my parents were a little more accepting of these types of things. I also think that because there are so many topics about transgenders in the media, they were more willing to discuss things like this. I think that its a great thing to sort out your thoughts about it though. If you'd like to message me, I'd love to talk with you about it. I'm sort of in a similar stage in life. I've just become more open about it and my wife has really been helping me to articulate my feelings and thoughts regarding crossdressing.

I completely agree though about never feeling as attractive as when you're wearing female clothing.

[Invisible Emily]

I feel for you. This sucks to hear about what is happening. It's hard not being understood. I was so close to buying a pair of my own panties a few minutes ago but I didn't incase my parents got the package before me. Im still considering buying them but i don't want them knowing by mistake. Im really not sure if I should get them or not because I don't want to go through arguments.

I'm going through the same situation. I want to order some clothes online but am afraid my parents will open them or ask me what was in it. Such a dilemma.

[MissDanielle]

I really wish that Kohl's had everything in store the other day when I went. They only had the jeans but online was cheaper and picking up in store, sadly, was not an option.

Finding time to wash and dry my panties is fun to say the least. Writing "my panties" is something that will never get old.

[AlleyKat]

A little off topic, but it really shows in this thread.
I am in awe of your confidence. I have no doubt that I will never be able to intentionally come out to my parents, nor to start on the path that you have chosen.

That being said, hold on through the negativity and remember you have friends here. =)

[MissDanielle]

I poured out all my thoughts and feelings in an email to my therapist. She is meeting with them later this week.

My parents think trans people know who they are when they are 5. I knew something was off at 13...

Still no word from Hanes on my package.

[MissDanielle]

Official from Hanes: my purchases were marked as REFUSED and MOVED. I'm having Hanes resend it but to my cousin's house instead so that I can get them at some point. All my purchases are now being sent to my cousin's house. At least she accepts me for the girl that I am :)

It sucks that I can't even express myself at home.