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RachelDee
02-14-2006, 05:07 PM
So ive not posted for a while, to be honest ive been avoiding looking up on this subject kinda - i just wanted to not think about it for a while, though i guess thats kinda silly since its not something that you can just forget about :o but anyway i think that posting now might be something i should do.

You see after my parents figured out my situation, well half of it anyhow, they thought i was gay and dressed up as a female to attract men :doh:, now that seems worse to me than being a TS but there you go, they were more shocked to hear that lol.

Well my sister knew about it before my parents, I wanted to tell someone and not people i was living with - my sister lives quite a way from home so it was a bit safer. Well she was as understanding as you could be i guess, and my parents figured it out shortley after when they opened some packages that were mine by accident (yeah its dodgy but i trust it was an accident :P) and found some female clothing id bought and became confused. Stockings actually... typical, I mean i bought them because i thought they would look really cute with this pink skirt i bought previously... why couldnt they have opened that? NOOO it had to be something underwear related to make me look like a pervo -_- urrm well ill continue.. my parents have told my brother, and i believe though im not totally sure, that my dad has told his sister about it.

Well at first mum was crying when it was metioned and dad was silent and at first (i was not there) angry i guess and took it out on the computer (not mine theirs which i use) like it had caused the problem. He didnt break it or anything just symbolically pulled out all the cables.... ;)

Well its been mentioned on and off but i feel quite uncomfortable talking about it, especially with my parents so i dont bring the subject up unless i have too. Last week i went to the GP (i already see a therapist for OCD, which is when i first told him about this other issue) and i explained to her the situation, which was simplistic that i think i might be female. Well she told me to go on the web and look up "Gender Dysphoria" then come back and see her. I had already done this but i was so mixed with emotion being there that i just accepted it and said thats ok thanks, and wanted to leave as soon as i could..

Since they found out i have not been dressing much, a little but not fully... its part due to the reason they know and it makes me feel "dirty" and "perverted" in some way so i dont, the fact that i know i probably look hideious, and the fact that they might walk in on me or knock and come in at the wrong moment (cant really say "Just a min while i get changed back into my normal clothes") - Oh and also because i dont feel the need to wear those extremely feminie clothes to feel like 'me'... however i still think that im female.

Now i keep getting asked "how do you feel" and im not sure how to answer that... what does feeling female feel like +? im not sure but i do know that im not happy with my body. To be honest the urrm male parts are a little off-putting. Its a very real "reminder" that im male and the other side (the male libido) i wish i could turn it off. I hate the feeling that you know its confusing, being aroused as a mix of "good" and "ugh" feelings....

Well anyway im going off track a little, I will be making an appointment to go see her (The GP) again soon, and im hoping that there are some people in lincolnshire that can advise me better than my current therapist is able too.


My problem at the moment is that my parents, like my mother, was crying today and she said she was just depressed because of everything. I suffer from OCD so that makes everyday life difficult for me and them, but this other "thing" seems to have them more concerned.

They were saying about all the abuse and problems ill get, that these people that do this are normally middle-aged men who wear wigs and everyone knows its a man in a dress, and do i think that people wont know im a man in a dress? is that what i want to do...

You know its, the image they have of this is that ill be a man in a dress. Maybe ill have "breasts" but ill still look like a man, in a dress, and ill have a horrible life....and so will they. I wonder if they are ashamed of it really.

Well my brother is coming down to visit (OCD related issues aside) he wants to "talk" to me about this other issue. I got a bit more information out of my parents and he is actually coming down to tell me not to contact the Gender Identity Clinic at Charing Cross (what the therapist im seeing now thought of) because thats for people that want to start "changing". He wants me to not rush and such... i think basically he thinks that im confused and he is helping.

Maybe i am confused, at the moment i feel quite like nither sex at all but i cant ignore the feelings that seem to be pointing me towards the more female side of the spectrum. When i look at women (magazines/tv mainly) im envyious - I want to look like them/be them. Yes i find them attractive but its also envy and some sort of passion that i want to be like that...

I used to think that what was missing in my life was that i had no partner, and i never had (im too shy i guess, reclusive? not the average guy?) but it seems that what i was sort of lusting after was not to have a girlfriend but to be as well...

It's just so confusing and i feel awful. My parents have it in their minds that a TS is a middle-aged man in a dress with a wig on, and that if i "become a girl" all ill be doing is having breasts and wearing a dress... they are also upset of course that i wont be "their son" anymore either.

There is no solution to any of this everyone gets hurt no matter what choice i make, its such a mess.

Well ill stop ranting i guess, ive read storys of people in worse situations on here in the past so i have nothing to moan about i guess.

TracyDeluxe
02-14-2006, 06:19 PM
Moan all you want, it helps to just get the confusion out in the air.

I went through many of the same things when I was first really confronting my feelings,and beginning, just beginning, to come to grips with my TG'ness.

It ain't easy. Just try to remind yourself that it is a long process to find out what you really need, and no decisions need to be made TODAY. And remember that the people in your life that are freaking out love you, they just don't understand; maybe they never will, but they still love you, or at least who they think you are.

There will be good days and bad days ahead, but remember that you only have to live them one at a time.

Take your time, avail yourself of all the resources that are out there, be kind to yourself and others, and you will come out all right.

A lot of platitudes, I know, but many of them are true, that's why they're platitudes, LOL! ;)

As little as it may mean, I am with you.

Danielle
02-14-2006, 06:38 PM
Hey there it's not the end of the world and to tell you a bit of myself,I thinksme crossdress because I love women alot and the way it all goes,high heels stockings garters and so forth.I believe everyone has dark secrets worst than wearing womens clothes so for me is a matter of standing up for your happiness of course always respecting your family first.:)

Maria D
02-14-2006, 06:45 PM
You need to figure out, over as much time as it takes, what YOU want, and what is best for YOU. Not for your parents, nor your brother or your parent's neighbours, and certainly not us.
Conflicting with your own desires, whether it be to fully transition or to wear knickers under male clothes, will be the feelings you have of guilt over upsetting other people; that's because you care. Ultimately it is for you to find your way through this minefield, and decide what's more important; your or others feelings.
Much as I have NO faith in the NHS and Charing Cross, I do feel your brother is wrong. It's not where people go to 'change', it's where people go to seek help with gender conditions, and only change if it's right for them; many who go do not 'change'.
I urge you to seek proper care from a gender specialist, be it private or NHS, as they can offer help that is focused.
At the end of the day you know who you are. It's your decision whether to transition or not, now or in 50 years time; your decision whether to care enough about people to not, or to go ahead; always yours.
I hope in time your parents will try to understand, and maybe in time they'll see that they have misunderstood TG people (I'm not middle bl**dy aged, I'm only 28! I hardly have any grey hair ;)). I also don't look like a man; I traded that 'man' look for the 'back end of a bus' look. Not pretty, but feminine enough to be taken as such.
And yes, you have my empathy about hurting people, there is no right answer is there? Only your way.
Take care Robert :)
xxx

DonnaT
02-14-2006, 07:52 PM
Sounds like you know what you really want, Robert. Just remember you have to live your life, not the life your relatives want you to live.

NHS and Charing Cross (CHX) are quite slow when it comes to transitioning. So, you've got to figure in time. The younger you are when you start taking hormones as you transition seems to help some of the girls, appearance wise.

A Primary Care Trust (PCT) may be more beneficial.

Anyway, what I'm getting at, is it more beneficial to see a good therapist and know that transitioning is what you want and need sooner than later.

There are lot of girls on the forum at http://rosesforum.tv/index.php that have or are currently transitioning that may be of more help to you.

Kimberley
02-15-2006, 12:09 AM
Maria, you couldn't have given Robert any better advice. IF he decides to transition, the younger he is, the more success he will have both physically and psychologically. What he really needs is for his parents to support him through this time when he is most vulnerable.

Teen suicide rates over gender and sex issues are horrendous. This is a dangerous time for him, therapist or not. He needs familial support more than ever. The therapist could be a catalyst in getting family therapy to bring this support about. It would go a long way if his parents love him (and I think they do) but are just uneducated about their "daughter" and her needs for security and love. They are probably reacting because they dont understand and see this as a failure in parenting instead of a blessing for Robert.

I pray this comes to a happy conclusion for everyone.

deeasheville
02-15-2006, 09:23 PM
Robert, you could of been telling my story, but for a few facts.

Not only did I not have the support of my family, I had no feedback from my family at all.

As far as dessussing TSism, I may as well stayed in the closet. They more or less said that they would not talk about it at all. :doh:

tori-e
02-16-2006, 12:14 AM
Hi Robert,

I must say that I empathise with you and can relate to your situation very much. A few things really stand out for me. I am quite a bit older than you, and am one of those middle aged men in a wig and a dress. I am just starting to come out at this age (48) and have a lot of regrets about waiting so long. I've been in the closet in some way since age five. Although I didn't know the words, I knew I was TS by about age twelve. All through my teens I suffered, and I knew I was different. I didn't know that there was anything I could do to be normal. So I went to school, met a girl, got a job, had kids and built a business. Now I have family, financial responsibilities, grandchildren, business partners and so on. And I'm still TS and transition seems impossible. I love my family and have much to be grateful for. But, if I knew that help was available and had the courage to do something about it sooner, my life would have been completely different. For one thing I'd still have my hair! :^) Now I have the big responsibility of being a father to my kids. It's their time to grow up in a happy family and not have to deal with my issues. Even though this is very hard for your parents, and they may have to deal with some uncomfortable situations, this is your life. If you are truly TS and transition or not, when you hit my age you will still be TS. You'll just have another quarter century of testosterone in your body. The younger you transition, the better chance you have a passing. But on the other hand, do you want to have your own genetic children?

The other thing that concerns me is that you are seeing a therapist. Not that seeing a therapist is the problem, but what background does the therapist have? If your therapist has not dealt with gender dysphoria, they are probably not qualified to help you. Gender dysphoria is no longer considered a psychological problem, but is now treated as a medical problem. Treated with drugs and surgery. This is not to say you don't need counselling. You will definitely need help, but the right kind of help. An unqualified person will try to fix you. Which won't happen.

The one comment that makes me nuts is when people think that TS's are gay. In my experience this is never true. But for your parents, they have no point of reference for transsexualism, so being gay is the only thing they can relate to. I know I could never explain this to my wife's parents. But as a TS you will need to be prepared to educate people on a regular basis. Gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things. When I came out to my wife, she went into research mode and read everything she could. If you can get your parents to read something, get them My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd. This is a crossdressing book, but does an excellent job of detailing the spectrum of trans people out there.

If at all possible, you should try to find a transgendered support group. I go to one that meets weekly. It is a great place to make those first times out. Lots of MTF's and those other FTM's. Something I had no concept of. There's even a trans couple in our group.

Anyway, just my two cents.

All the best to you in finding your way.

Tori.