RachelDee
02-14-2006, 05:07 PM
So ive not posted for a while, to be honest ive been avoiding looking up on this subject kinda - i just wanted to not think about it for a while, though i guess thats kinda silly since its not something that you can just forget about :o but anyway i think that posting now might be something i should do.
You see after my parents figured out my situation, well half of it anyhow, they thought i was gay and dressed up as a female to attract men :doh:, now that seems worse to me than being a TS but there you go, they were more shocked to hear that lol.
Well my sister knew about it before my parents, I wanted to tell someone and not people i was living with - my sister lives quite a way from home so it was a bit safer. Well she was as understanding as you could be i guess, and my parents figured it out shortley after when they opened some packages that were mine by accident (yeah its dodgy but i trust it was an accident :P) and found some female clothing id bought and became confused. Stockings actually... typical, I mean i bought them because i thought they would look really cute with this pink skirt i bought previously... why couldnt they have opened that? NOOO it had to be something underwear related to make me look like a pervo -_- urrm well ill continue.. my parents have told my brother, and i believe though im not totally sure, that my dad has told his sister about it.
Well at first mum was crying when it was metioned and dad was silent and at first (i was not there) angry i guess and took it out on the computer (not mine theirs which i use) like it had caused the problem. He didnt break it or anything just symbolically pulled out all the cables.... ;)
Well its been mentioned on and off but i feel quite uncomfortable talking about it, especially with my parents so i dont bring the subject up unless i have too. Last week i went to the GP (i already see a therapist for OCD, which is when i first told him about this other issue) and i explained to her the situation, which was simplistic that i think i might be female. Well she told me to go on the web and look up "Gender Dysphoria" then come back and see her. I had already done this but i was so mixed with emotion being there that i just accepted it and said thats ok thanks, and wanted to leave as soon as i could..
Since they found out i have not been dressing much, a little but not fully... its part due to the reason they know and it makes me feel "dirty" and "perverted" in some way so i dont, the fact that i know i probably look hideious, and the fact that they might walk in on me or knock and come in at the wrong moment (cant really say "Just a min while i get changed back into my normal clothes") - Oh and also because i dont feel the need to wear those extremely feminie clothes to feel like 'me'... however i still think that im female.
Now i keep getting asked "how do you feel" and im not sure how to answer that... what does feeling female feel like +? im not sure but i do know that im not happy with my body. To be honest the urrm male parts are a little off-putting. Its a very real "reminder" that im male and the other side (the male libido) i wish i could turn it off. I hate the feeling that you know its confusing, being aroused as a mix of "good" and "ugh" feelings....
Well anyway im going off track a little, I will be making an appointment to go see her (The GP) again soon, and im hoping that there are some people in lincolnshire that can advise me better than my current therapist is able too.
My problem at the moment is that my parents, like my mother, was crying today and she said she was just depressed because of everything. I suffer from OCD so that makes everyday life difficult for me and them, but this other "thing" seems to have them more concerned.
They were saying about all the abuse and problems ill get, that these people that do this are normally middle-aged men who wear wigs and everyone knows its a man in a dress, and do i think that people wont know im a man in a dress? is that what i want to do...
You know its, the image they have of this is that ill be a man in a dress. Maybe ill have "breasts" but ill still look like a man, in a dress, and ill have a horrible life....and so will they. I wonder if they are ashamed of it really.
Well my brother is coming down to visit (OCD related issues aside) he wants to "talk" to me about this other issue. I got a bit more information out of my parents and he is actually coming down to tell me not to contact the Gender Identity Clinic at Charing Cross (what the therapist im seeing now thought of) because thats for people that want to start "changing". He wants me to not rush and such... i think basically he thinks that im confused and he is helping.
Maybe i am confused, at the moment i feel quite like nither sex at all but i cant ignore the feelings that seem to be pointing me towards the more female side of the spectrum. When i look at women (magazines/tv mainly) im envyious - I want to look like them/be them. Yes i find them attractive but its also envy and some sort of passion that i want to be like that...
I used to think that what was missing in my life was that i had no partner, and i never had (im too shy i guess, reclusive? not the average guy?) but it seems that what i was sort of lusting after was not to have a girlfriend but to be as well...
It's just so confusing and i feel awful. My parents have it in their minds that a TS is a middle-aged man in a dress with a wig on, and that if i "become a girl" all ill be doing is having breasts and wearing a dress... they are also upset of course that i wont be "their son" anymore either.
There is no solution to any of this everyone gets hurt no matter what choice i make, its such a mess.
Well ill stop ranting i guess, ive read storys of people in worse situations on here in the past so i have nothing to moan about i guess.
You see after my parents figured out my situation, well half of it anyhow, they thought i was gay and dressed up as a female to attract men :doh:, now that seems worse to me than being a TS but there you go, they were more shocked to hear that lol.
Well my sister knew about it before my parents, I wanted to tell someone and not people i was living with - my sister lives quite a way from home so it was a bit safer. Well she was as understanding as you could be i guess, and my parents figured it out shortley after when they opened some packages that were mine by accident (yeah its dodgy but i trust it was an accident :P) and found some female clothing id bought and became confused. Stockings actually... typical, I mean i bought them because i thought they would look really cute with this pink skirt i bought previously... why couldnt they have opened that? NOOO it had to be something underwear related to make me look like a pervo -_- urrm well ill continue.. my parents have told my brother, and i believe though im not totally sure, that my dad has told his sister about it.
Well at first mum was crying when it was metioned and dad was silent and at first (i was not there) angry i guess and took it out on the computer (not mine theirs which i use) like it had caused the problem. He didnt break it or anything just symbolically pulled out all the cables.... ;)
Well its been mentioned on and off but i feel quite uncomfortable talking about it, especially with my parents so i dont bring the subject up unless i have too. Last week i went to the GP (i already see a therapist for OCD, which is when i first told him about this other issue) and i explained to her the situation, which was simplistic that i think i might be female. Well she told me to go on the web and look up "Gender Dysphoria" then come back and see her. I had already done this but i was so mixed with emotion being there that i just accepted it and said thats ok thanks, and wanted to leave as soon as i could..
Since they found out i have not been dressing much, a little but not fully... its part due to the reason they know and it makes me feel "dirty" and "perverted" in some way so i dont, the fact that i know i probably look hideious, and the fact that they might walk in on me or knock and come in at the wrong moment (cant really say "Just a min while i get changed back into my normal clothes") - Oh and also because i dont feel the need to wear those extremely feminie clothes to feel like 'me'... however i still think that im female.
Now i keep getting asked "how do you feel" and im not sure how to answer that... what does feeling female feel like +? im not sure but i do know that im not happy with my body. To be honest the urrm male parts are a little off-putting. Its a very real "reminder" that im male and the other side (the male libido) i wish i could turn it off. I hate the feeling that you know its confusing, being aroused as a mix of "good" and "ugh" feelings....
Well anyway im going off track a little, I will be making an appointment to go see her (The GP) again soon, and im hoping that there are some people in lincolnshire that can advise me better than my current therapist is able too.
My problem at the moment is that my parents, like my mother, was crying today and she said she was just depressed because of everything. I suffer from OCD so that makes everyday life difficult for me and them, but this other "thing" seems to have them more concerned.
They were saying about all the abuse and problems ill get, that these people that do this are normally middle-aged men who wear wigs and everyone knows its a man in a dress, and do i think that people wont know im a man in a dress? is that what i want to do...
You know its, the image they have of this is that ill be a man in a dress. Maybe ill have "breasts" but ill still look like a man, in a dress, and ill have a horrible life....and so will they. I wonder if they are ashamed of it really.
Well my brother is coming down to visit (OCD related issues aside) he wants to "talk" to me about this other issue. I got a bit more information out of my parents and he is actually coming down to tell me not to contact the Gender Identity Clinic at Charing Cross (what the therapist im seeing now thought of) because thats for people that want to start "changing". He wants me to not rush and such... i think basically he thinks that im confused and he is helping.
Maybe i am confused, at the moment i feel quite like nither sex at all but i cant ignore the feelings that seem to be pointing me towards the more female side of the spectrum. When i look at women (magazines/tv mainly) im envyious - I want to look like them/be them. Yes i find them attractive but its also envy and some sort of passion that i want to be like that...
I used to think that what was missing in my life was that i had no partner, and i never had (im too shy i guess, reclusive? not the average guy?) but it seems that what i was sort of lusting after was not to have a girlfriend but to be as well...
It's just so confusing and i feel awful. My parents have it in their minds that a TS is a middle-aged man in a dress with a wig on, and that if i "become a girl" all ill be doing is having breasts and wearing a dress... they are also upset of course that i wont be "their son" anymore either.
There is no solution to any of this everyone gets hurt no matter what choice i make, its such a mess.
Well ill stop ranting i guess, ive read storys of people in worse situations on here in the past so i have nothing to moan about i guess.