Forced crossdressing of a child---is it abuse?

[Gigicd]

Is forcing a boy child to dress as a girl child abuse?

In this situation, it was not punishment as far as I know. It was a mother and two sisters having a laugh on the only boy child in the family.

A picture was taken. (This was decades before the internet.) This picture was around the house all my childhood. Ready to be pulled out at a moment's notice.

Throughout childhood my sisters teased me and always had this hanging over my head as a threat---that they'd tell my friends and their friends about it if I didn't do whatever they wanted. Or maybe they would just say that to terrorize me and see my reaction of horror. It led to years of enormous anxiety. And fear. Fear that it would happen again, that they'd do it to me in my sleep, that everyone would know.

The die was cast and whatever the mechanism is, the fear and anxiety turned into a teen and compulsive (and closeted) crossdresser. And all the related behavior of sneaking clothing, etc. etc. And should humorous cd-ing appear on TV or movies, or Halloween or an innocent children's party---I was mortified, beyond mortified. I could not react normally. I probably felt that everyone around me KNEW by my behavior that I was a crossdresser.

I married young, a bad marriage, I was head-strong and crossdressed as I wished though she was without doubt opposed to it. There's no telling who she told while we were married---friends, relatives, neighbors, co-workers---and most certainly in our divorce (our kids were teens by then) and no doubt it was used as a weapon by the wife in the divorce, as if accusing me of cd-ing would be tantamount to accusing me of being a murderer. The wife cheated, seeking a "real man" and everything she did---stole, lied, committed felonies, broke laws, financially cleaned me out, the kids' college funds, fraudulent loans, maxed out every credit card---whatever she did before, during and after the divorce was JUSTIFIED in her eyes and those of the ones I knew who'd been told. Those horrible crimes were justified due to CD-ing---the ONLY thing in the world that could justify that behavior. It was simply a scarlet letter WORSE THAN IF I'D BEEN ACCUSED OF CHILD ABUSE! Far worse. It was viewed by all who knew as the most justifiable cause of divorce; really serious larceny, as well as three threats and/or attempts on my life---who could not fully understand THAT considering your husband was a cross-dresser?

But I was free from that horrible marriage. Met a woman I adored. Incredibly as close to perfect as I could ever have a shot at. We never married, were together for 5 tumultuous years---tumultuous because of my crossdressing. Same story we hear often in forum discussions: sometimes she'd be ok with it, even encouraging. Other times she was beyond cruel and equated it to, well, the worst things a human being could be imagined to do.

It led to our breaking up. There's two sides to every story, and I understand hers. I on the other hand was persistent that I was going to do it. I always wanted love and romance, and I had it with her, I really did. But in her mind the issue had to be resolved (i.e. ended) before we could move forward to marriage. Basically she gave me a choice and I chose crossdressing. This led, again, to this woman ALSO using my CDing like a public shaming, she thrilled in revealing it to everyone I knew or we knew, in her mind fully believing (mostly correctly) that the reaction to it---that we broke up over crossdressing and that I crossdressed---would be the equivalent, or worse, than if i had been a child abuser. A murderer would have been a more more sympathetic character, and accepted, than a crossdresser.

The only thing that was really fulfilled in my life was the next few years when I crossdressed at will, participated in activities I wanted, went out, did whatever the things were that I wanted to do while crossdressing or involving crossdressing.

The urge dwindled, possibly due to enormous fulfillment, growing older and less passable, though my appetite for reading and viewing and participating on the internet on anything involving crossdressing continued. Just not actually doing it. I was satisfied. With lost of fantastic memories of doing, while crossdressed, most everything I ever dreamed of doing.

My daughter is now close to 40, after the divorce she was either told by the ex wife or the ex girlfriend, or picked up clues or whatever, it doesn't matter. So at this point now, me a senior citizen, I am estranged with her---she estranged and abandoned me because of the effect it had on her as a teen, she said. She is mother to my grandchildren. The amount of time I am allowed to see them is SEVERELY limited (virtually nil.) This estrangement, and "losing" my grandkids (and no telling what THEY are being told about me) is the worst thing I've ever been through. My daughter says I exposed her to something that as a teen she was far too young for, an "adult" thing that she could not handle as a teen so it messed her up for life. Her shrink told her that she should not be around me and should not let the grandchildren see me. From what I gathered, her shrink also treated my CD-ing, and my daughter learning of it as a teen, as the equivalent to child abuse---don't associate with that parent who did that and don't let the grandchildren see him. (I regret deeply that she learned as a teen of my cd-ing; it was wrong that i let it happen, however it happened. But I was on the pink cloud, free after 20 years of a marriage prison, free for the first time in my life.)

Estrangement of parents by their adult children is almost an epidemic, though I am probably one of the tiny few whose estrangement is due to her, as a child, learning about my cd-ing.

Back to the question: when my mother, with the participation of my two sisters (and possibly my father's acquiescence), both sisters roughly my age, dressed me for laughs, for teasing. Maybe even for ridicule. I don't know what was in my mother's mind, but it could have been manifestation of her own troubled relationships with men in her life, I have no idea. For my part, i moved from a nightmarish horror as a child of being "outted" or forced AGAIN, to being compulsive and having the happiest times in life, by cd-ing as an adult. The compulsion no doubt clouded my judgement, but that's just a sidebar at this point.

So----WAS what my mother, and sisters, did to me as a boy child, child abuse?

This is not a "Gee I only wish they'd done that to me" or anything titillating as a cd. Rather it is, in hindsight now, the source of most of the most serious pain and suffering in my life.

[MissDanielle]

I would think it is abuse.

[Robin414]

Wow, that's a rough tale but I'm glad you shared it Gigi! In light of that information alone I'd have to say yes!

[TrishaTX]

Yes, I agree abuse. I would say you should get serious concealing as I did. I went away for a week in Arizona and it helped allot.

[Amy Lynn3]

Gigi, the pain you must be enduring, by the estrangement of your family members. My heart feels for you, as I have the love of children and grandchildren.

I'm not sure I can answer your question, as I was never in a situation like that.

Take care and be good to yourself my friend.
Amy

[giuseppina]

This does sound like abuse, Gigi.

The comments the shrink made were not helpful.

About the only thing you can do is find some peace.

I have two nephews in their mid 20s that I have never seen, nor has my mother. My sister estranged herself from the family when she married. I don't think my crossdressing is a significant part of the problem, as there are other issues outside my control.

[Jazzy Jaz]

I believe that forced dressing of a child, esspecially with the intent to tease, ridicule, and blackmail is definately child abuse. I do think its ok for a child to agree to crossdress as long as none of the parties use it for mean or intentionally embarrasing purposes. I dont think your daughter was too young to know about your crossdressing, I think the real problem was the bigoted stereotypical misinformation that she likely inherited from her mother and others around her and I think that too is a form of abuse that she endured and has unfortunately set the course for her views on the issue. I hope that over time as more people begin to accept us maybe she will think about things a little differently.

[sometimes_miss]

'm not sure how a court of law would decide, but to me, yes it's abuse, even one episode. Especially how your sisters used it to essentially blackmail you into doing what they wanted with the threat of embarrassing you if you didn't do what they preferred. Again, I don't know; my situation was completely different; my family's behavior occured before I understood that what they were doing could have an affect on my gender later on, and in fact, I didn't question my gender until the molestation incidents many years later. My mom clearly wanted another girl, and dressed me up in my sister's old clothes when I was a toddler before I had any idea of what was going on. She also kept me in sis' clothes when I was playing alone at home, all supposedly to save money so I wouldn't be ruining my 'big boy' clothes. She also sewed red and blue stripes into my sister's old panties and passed them off as fruit of the loom briefs (like dad's as the waistband always had those blue and red stripes). Dad stopped her from dressing me in anything girly (her pants and sweatshirts remained though, as did the shoes except when we were going out). As I idolized my sister during those very early years, I kind of liked being able to wear her clothes (until one day when she had enough of that and beat the tar out of me for it). The real abuse started when a child molester down the block dressed me up in his sisters clothes, and convinced me that I was really supposed to be a girl, and god would fix the mistake if I learned how to be a girl. So yeah, at some point it becomes child abuse.

[Lily Catherine]

This definitely sounds like abuse, all the more with the intent of blackmail. Such behaviour is unwarranted, unfortunately.

[Stephanie47]

100% child abuse. Child abuse is not limited to physical harm, but, also includes emotional harm. Further, you are not to blame for the antics of your wife.

[Sarah Beth]

I spent a few years as a child welfare caseworker and I can assure you that by today's standards that would be child abuse. I think it is unconscionable for any parent to do something to a child to ridicule them let alone encourage their siblings to do the same.

[Krisi]

Are you thinking of suing your mother for child abuse? For the answer to your question, ask an attorney.

I don't think it rises to the level of child abuse. There are no educational requirements or licensing to be a parent, you just have sex and a child comes out. Every parent has made mistakes somewhere or sometime in raising a child. Most grow up fine.

I think you need to get over it and move on. Get help if you have to but move on and forget about this "excuse".

[kittie60]

Yes it is child abuse. My aunt use to do that to me when I was little. I remember other things she'd done but I won't get into done, but I won't get into . But i really feel alot of sorrow for you. Its something we have to accept and go on with your life. Since that time I have no feelings for her at all. The only thing was at that age I didn't know till later on I was born. Transgender. I'm 60 now

[gokatiegirl]

I know a guy that his mother dressed him in a dress everyday until he went to kindergarten. He is grown now and if its brought up he gets very upset.

It was humiliation and the guy is scared for life because his mother wanted a daughter.

[Beverley Sims]

In the case you describe I feel it was not abuse, it was a game at the time, but holding the threat over you was blackmail.

If a child was forced to dress inappropriately for a long period against their will, it would be unjust punishment and I consider abuse.

The rest is in your mind and could have been a psychological breakdown for you.

[Judith96a]

There are some things that, without any shadow of doubt, constitute abuse and then there are other things that, depending on other factors, may or may not constitute abuse.
From what you've told us of the circumstances of your case, what was done to you does appear to constitute abuse. However, I've known of households where male and female children (pre-school age) were habitually dressed alike - in very infant dresses. Was that abuse? I don't believe that it was used to coerce or blackmail or anything like that - it was just how things were. Yes, the photos were produced to prospective daughters in law for a giggle but nothing more. Was it abuse? In context, I don't believe so. I can also think of a household where the mother continually belittled any and all of her eldest son's achievements and 'made fun' of him at every opportunity? I've known her all my life and I cannot remember the last occasion on which she told him "well done". Abuse? I'll let you decide cos I'm biased.

[Eryn]

In raising my daughters, there are several things that I did that I probably shouldn't have done. If someone were to look back on them from the current perspective they might term them abuse. At the time they seemed perfectly reasonable.

Too many people want to pick apart the past and blame other people for their problems. The past is past and if you wish to have a happy life you need to move on. The issue with seeing your grandchildren is a matter for a lawyer to examine. Your daughter's psychiatrist is telling her what she wants to hear, but that should not prevent you from seeing your grandchildren.

[NicoleScott]

Yes, abusive if humiliating for the child, as entertainment for so-called grown-ups at the expense of the child. But no, if the child thought the CDing was a hoot and participated in the fun and games, which may not have been the case here.
But abusive or not, I don't believe that such forced CDing MAKES someone a crossdresser, unless the proclivity is already there.

[CynthiaD]

So they did something to you, the main purpose if which was to embarass and humiliate you. Yes. That sort of thing is abuse. It doesn't matter whether it was crossdressing or something else.

[Tina_gm]

yes, abuse. Not the reason for you to be a CDer though. It will either happen or not happen. In your case, it woke up the gene that makes us CDers. Your exes are also abusers, attempting to damage your life because of CDing. The only thing I would say you could have improved on is your insistence to CD whenever, however. Still, not a reason for people to abuse anyone, they had the choice to just leave, and could have left it at that. As for your daughter and grandchildren, possibly the estrangement and serious limitation would be because they feel you will CD anytime, anywhere, anyhow?

Unless we are going through or have gone through transition, there are times and places for CDing. I am not suggesting we be the mercy of others... but, sometimes we just need to be more into what is really going on around us, then us being absorbed in the clothes we wear.

[Alice Torn]

That is sad, and would make an interesting Dr. Phil program.

[Glenda58]

Yes it's abuse. Both of my daughters know of my Cding from my EX but today they see that not what broke up the family. They're both open minded both it and let their kids dress how they want. Both of my grandson went out as princesses for Halloween.
What they did to was wrong. To tease you and hold it over your head. I also was dressed up as a girl but for fun.

[Vickie_CDTV]

It is child abuse, full stop. Inflicting humiliation and pain onto one's children just for amusement is abuse. It is not discipline, which is intended to teach and correct, what they did was done for no reason other than to inflict pain.

[Andrea2656]

Gigi,
I assume you are not asking a legal but a moral/ethical question. When a child is made to do something for the purpose of humiliation it is abuse. It may have started as "wouldn't it be cute" to see your brother in a dress. Even if it was done in that vein it would be abuse if done against your will. However, the later use to tease, humiliate, and blackmail makes a bad decision something clearly highly abusive.

[Alaina R]

Was it abuse? I don't know, maybe. Does everything in your life and all the negativity that you described stem from this one episode? Obviously it affected you badly, but as an adult does everyone react so negatively solely because of the crossdressing? From your description it sounds like you generally didn't much care what anyone thought - you were going to do what you were going to do without compromise. That likely did not benefit your relationships.

[ReineD]

I agree with Eryn.

You posted this topic also last summer, and I'm sorry but I think you're stuck, even if the incident was abusive. There's no amount of looking back that will help you fix what happened in your life, you can only take responsibility for your own part in the demise of your relationships (it is seldom one-sided) and then do the best you can to move on. Have you considered seeing a therapist? Not a gender therapist, just someone who can help you come to terms with your past and move on.

You seem to think that your childhood incident caused you to crossdress later on in life:

1) Please consider that likely hundreds of thousands of other boys have been subjected to similar experiences at one time or another in their lives, who didn't end up being CDers ... so if you CD, you likely would have CDed even if your parents had not done this.

2) As to your daughter refusing you access to your grandchild, I think she also has issues if she blames subsequent marital difficulties on having seen you dressed as a woman when she was a teenager. Sorry, but I don't buy that, unless there's a lot more to the story than you are sharing with us?

3) And your exes outing you out of maliciousness? Although I abhor the behavior, sadly a lot of people are vindictive when they end relationships. You should hear what my ex told my sons about me, to the point where my eldest refused to talk to me for three years. Thankfully I didn't accept that situation, I sought help on how to best remedy the situation, I didn't give up, and our relationship is good now.

In any case, please don't take my post the wrong way. I urge you to see a good therapist who will help you to determine your own responsibility in what has happened in your life, and it is only by doing this that you will be able to move forward. I say this with kindness, but I think there are lots of things that a good therapist could help you see, that you cannot see right now, but that will finally bring you peace once you are able to see them.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Dr Renee Richards (born a boy) in her book "The Second Serve" talks about how her older sister dressed her as a girl when they were both young. Her mother, who was a psychologist and should have known better, allowed it to go on. Is this what caused Renee to get MtF surgery? She seems to think so.

Is it abuse? In a business environment if a person feels sexually abused, it is legally abuse, notwithstanding that many people wouldn't consider it abuse. It is defined in th eyes of the "abused". So, from your point, it is abuse.

[Gigicd]

Thanks Krisi and everyone if i don't get back individually.

Oh, I'm over it. I'm an old man. The only reason it's even re-entered my mind is because of my estranged daughter--her sudden estrangement, she's almost 40, and withholds my dear grandsons from me because she had to see or deal with or know about (not sure of the exact words) something "adult" that she as a very young teen should not have to handle. Why it came up at age 40 and not in the previous two decades of pretty normal father-daughter friendship and shared family life.

Oh lord my parents have been dead for decades and in any possible scenario would I sue my mother if she were alive. To her, it appeared just as a lark, a family full of girls, one boy, etc. And to my sisters yes there was the teasing and blackmailing, but it was the SHAME that was the torture, that they might TELL someone about it, which is the main threat they made.

And as to my wanting to get opinions as to whether it was abuse or not, I guess because it could be some kind of life lesson for someone. My family "abused" me psychologically (I was only 3 or so and have no REAL memory but their years and years of REMINDING me made it as real and clear in my mind--plus there was the one photograph that was preserved of the moment.)

What makes someone crossdress---for me, I don't think it would be very far off to think that this incident cast the die in my case, going from fear and shame to curiosity and the sublime.

So similar to the way a child abuser who abuses their child---then the abused CHILD grows up and is an abuser, then THAT child grows up and becomes an abuser...not always, not every time, but sadly often.

For me being introduced to crossdressing, I became one, it messed up my marriage, which led to my daughter being messed up by divorce (as most kids are) and knowing of the CD aspect. Then when I found a woman to really love after 20 years of a loveless marriage where we were together just for the kids---my CD-ing caused the end of that relationship, as despite sometimes her actively participating and encouraging, and going out together, etc., the bottom line was, if we're going to be serious and get married, the CD must end. Then I chose CD and again, she told friends, relatives, probably my children, "Your dad's the lowest kind of degenerate---he likes to wear women's clothes.

So if not for the die being cast at age 3, probably I wouldn't have become a crossdresser, at the least crossdressing would not have led to my daughter estranging and abandoning me and withholding my beloved grandkids, and the "love" and romance I found---cd broke it up. And when she broke up with me over CD, she said, "You will grow old alone." That was 25 years ago. And she was exactly correct: I am alone. Totally alone and facing old age and all that comes with it.

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Thanks ReineD. I can tell you carefully read what i wrote for content and your replies are fully informed---you made sure you understood it all, thought about it, and replied. I appreciate that. Mostly, your comments are helpful, reminding me of things I KNOW but have forgotten, and also of wants to view it that I haven't been able to. And you are so write---that's a question, gosh---that launched a million threads: how can any number of boys get crossdressed for random fun times, goofing around, parties, whatever, and they NEVER in the least become CD, but there's the occasional one who, like me, had neural pathways BURNED into the soft tabla rasa of my childhood brain that made me a cd-er within a few years of that traumatic, isolated situation of "abuse."

I was always someone who NEVER thought about my childhood while i was going through adulthood. Didn't have one concern. My parents were always there, always provided, loved, everything physically and emotionally required. It's just come up now with the estrangement, because my "excuse" for everything followed that one crossdress incident as a child was a CASCADE of heartache and anxiety leading now to estrangement and abandonment and almost TOTAL estrangement, which I never would have dreamt of in my life. I told my kids from their childhood--I am your daddy for LIFE, not 'til you're 18, or 'til you go to college' or get married, or move out....I am always your dad and will always be there for you when you need me and will always love you. (Lots of men I've noticed like the bravado of, I'm gonna throw my son out on his 18th birthday and he's gonna have to make it on his own yadayada")

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Steffi--i didn't know that about Renee Richard's mom being a psychologist etc.

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Your sisters's boys---you have never seen them and it's been 25 years. That's so sad.

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To all, thank you.

[ReineD]

Oh, I'm over it. I'm an old man. The only reason it's even re-entered my mind is because of my estranged daughter--her sudden estrangement, she's almost 40, and withholds my dear grandsons from me because she had to see or deal with or know about (not sure of the exact words) something "adult" that she as a very young teen should not have to handle. Why it came up at age 40 and not in the previous two decades of pretty normal father-daughter friendship and shared family life.

I also experienced parental estrangement from my oldest son for about three years, although in my case it was caused by parental alienation on the part of my ex. It was devastating. My heart goes out to you.

I mention this because everything I've read suggests not giving up on your daughter. Send her birthday and holiday cards. Write her letters. Make efforts at reconciliation. Let her know that you love her. There is a great deal written on the subject but perhaps a few meetings with a therapist would provide you with guidance on the frequency and type of contact, depending on how severe were her experiences as a teenager. Do you remember the incidents that caused her trauma? Earlier I took it that she had merely seen you dressed but she may have seen other things?

Also, there's a possibility that other aspects of your relationship were strained (other than the CDing that she witnessed) and if this is this is the case, it would be beneficial to recognize and acknowledge the other ways she may have been hurt. Also, sometimes adult children have their own unresolved issues that until resolved, are projected onto the parent.

I do hope that you and she will eventually be able to reconcile.

[josrphine]

Hi Gigi, Being a little older then you , I got a interesting tail for you. In my mid 50"s I was a cross dresser. I never put two an two together . Like all of us we go thur the guilty first. At a family party on my father side I was in a talk with one of my aunts, about WW2. She then said to me your were a girl the first 5 years of your life. WHAT ?????? I new i was a C D but this. My parents were dead so who do I go to. Well I found out that my father was there only male out of 6 brothers that was married then. If he had a son he would have been A 1 for the draft, havng a daughter he was excempet. I found my org. birth an it was alter. I then talked to others in the family an found out it was ture. I hated my father because he was an alocohlic an as a chid I grew up benign abused by him, were he hit me a lot. When I grau. from high school, one day my father was sober, we were sitting at the kitchen table my mother was making breakfast I said to them i wanted to join the navy. My mother immedely said NO I won't sighn for you I had just turn 17. My father look at me an said I WILL, OOPS what just happen here, my mother said nothing. Knowing that I hated my father this was like WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPEN HERE. I joined an bacame a sniper with a U D T team in 59 I was in Nam with the team, we had gone in to help the French, there prisnor of war were being ransomd back to the french. 3 of us got out that is another story. I am with my 3 rd wife that loves me more as a women then a man. I now have it made. My father became an alocohilic I think because he was ashamed of what they did. Then I found out a lot of things an wish my father was still alive to tell him how much I loved him. JO

[Krisi]

Gigicd, my mother also dressed me as a girl. I remember when I was perhaps three or four that she would sew dresses for her nieces and make me put them on and stand on a box so she could mark the hems. What I didn't remember was that as an infant, she would dress me in the girl clothes she got at her baby shower (in those days nobody knew if it was a boy or a girl until the actual birth). I found this out when she wrote her life story and sent it to the entire extended family shortly before she died. In a way, she "outed" me.

I never had a good relationship with my mother as a child, perhaps because I knew somehow that she really wanted a daughter, not a son.

My point is, most of us suffered from some sort of inappropriate behavior from our parents, especially if we were the first child. New parents usually have no training and get some things wrong. We have to put this behind us and live our lives as best we can. At least we know not to dress our sons as girls and take photos.

[Jill Devine]

The
I believe that forced dressing of a child, esspecially with the intent to tease, ridicule, and blackmail is definately child abuse. I do think its ok for a child to agree to crossdress as long as none of the parties use it for mean or intentionally embarrasing purposes. I dont think your daughter was too young to know about your crossdressing, I think the real problem was the bigoted stereotypical misinformation that she likely inherited from her mother and others around her and I think that too is a form of abuse that she endured and has unfortunately set the course for her views on the issue. I hope that over time as more people begin to accept us maybe she will think about things a little differently.
100% agree with this. Well said.