Coming Out to Long-Term Friends

[Eryn]

Up to this point, I've chosen to not let any of my long-term friends or colleagues know about my being TG. I present as androgynous most of the time near to home and for the most part the friends have continued to perceive me as male. They certainly see changes, but I'm a bit eccentric to begin with.

I realize that this cannot go on forever and after talking it over with Mimi we've decided to bring some of our closer friends into the know. This will allow us to better integrate them into my new life.

Today, the opportunity presented itself to talk privately with a couple who are long term (20+year) friends. We had breakfast with them and went over to their place to socialize. I asked Mimi if she thought that this would be a good time to bring up the subject and she wasn't sure. In situations like this I always take the safe route so I decided to hold off on the decision.

We were sitting and the conversation drifted around to our hairdresser, who happens to be the same lady for Mimi, myself, and the female half of the couple. We were each talking about our experiences with the hairdresser and our female friend said "let your hair down so I can see the highlights." I undid my ponytail and the normal compliments followed.

She then said "I have some new Paul Mitchell hair treatment that'll cut down the frizz in your hair. Would you like to try it?" One thing led to another and she was soon working the product through my hair with her fingers. She put my hair into a braid to keep it out of the way while the treatment worked.

At this point my phone rang with a text. It was Mimi, who was sitting right there, telling me privately "Go ahead and tell if you want."

I figured that there was no time like the present, so I said "there is one thing that I'd like to talk to the two of you about..." and told them that I was TG, that I had known for about five years, and that I was now in the process of transition. Mimi was there to support me and everything went very well. The female half of the couple said "I don't care how you dress, I love you either way." The male half of the couple was a bit more reserved but said nothing negative.

I showed them a couple of pictures of me out with my family, just so that they could get a mental image of how I look in my desired presentation. They thought that the pictures looked pretty good and I took that as a complement.

The female half of the couple then talked about her experiences with the LGBT scene in the city she last lived in. She had friends in the gay community, but wasn't acquainted with anyone in the Trans community there.

Before we left, the female half of the couple asked my shoe size. I said "11", and she said "I have a pair of shoes you might like. I'm an 11 but they are just a bit tight on me." She brought out a pair of peep-toe slingback pumps and I tried them on. They fit beautifully and she said "They're yours!"

Analysis:

I think it went really well. Both of my friends seemed to take it well, and probably thought of it as an explanation for the changes in my behavior and appearance over the last few years.

The female half of the couple seemed the most accepting. I talked about the experience with Persephone and she pointed out that my friend's mention of her LGBT connections was a statement of "political" acceptance, but that her gift of shoes was a token of acceptance on a personal level. I think that things will be fine with her and that from her point of view she has acquired a new female friend.

The male half of the couple was a bit more reserved. I think that he fears loss of his male friend and I can see his point. I'm the same person, able to be as geeky and mechanical as I previously was, but things will be different. I need to reach out to him to reassure him that the change is good and that he need not fear losing his friend.

This will open up new social opportunities for us with the other couple. Almost all of our activities are now with me in female mode and now we can invite these friends to participate with us. I think that they will enjoy it!

[Nadya]

Congratulations! It must feel good to have that out in the open with your friends. :)

[dreamer_2.0]

Congratulations, I'm glad this went well for you. As you probably know, coming out to people is hard but so tremendously worth it when it is successful. I'd say you were definitely accepted by the female in that couple, the male sounds a bit tougher to read. Hopefully it's a good outcome with him though.

I've been quite fortunate with the friends I've come out to. Most of my long-term friends know and my experiences seem to follow a similar pattern: the women are openly accepting and the men, while accepting on the surface, their true thoughts are harder to gauge. Of course, people are unpredictable so perhaps "pattern" is the wrong word. Regardless, it sounds like you've got at least one new friend which is wonderful to hear. :)

[STACY B]

That's great to hear and I hope your male friend will have an open mind and won't feel left out during your future visits. I also came out to a real close long time friend and I found that if you leave the sex organs and clothes out of it and mostly keep to the fact of Pure Happiness and no more depression and the science of it all men get it better? My thoughts are most real men think about the organs and what your going to do with them now? An you tell them that it is not a sexual thing and hold to the endocrine system part and brain they understand better.

Now that just my views,, You gotta tip toe with this subject and not push it real hard and fast and like you said just dress neutral around them for a long while so it doesn't threaten them. Maybe that shows them there is more than clothes and sex to this and that's what people need to understand?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I think that's a wonderful story and good to share

Lots of people are in your similar position and handling it in a positive and constructive way is a good example for others. We can never predict outcomes but we can put our best foot forward..



For what its worth, almost all of my male friends are all still my friends.... being interested in mechanical and geeky things is very unlikely to change.....if he is open to you, he will be very pleasantly surprised..

from my own selfish perspective i find these male friends to be even better friends because i can be "myself".....some of their comments are priceless including the one from my hound dog casanova friend about "you are going to like me are you??" and drunkenly "ok i admit it, you are pretty hot" and my all time favorite "so when you were kissing Elizabeth(my very publicly affectionate ex GF) was i watching lesbians make out?"

i hope you have great experiences with your friends.

As for female friends, I AM THE PROBLEM>.... i feel pressured and inadequate next to them....i get embarrassed very easily...i am working on it..

[Eringirl]

A feel good story for sure, thanks for sharing!

I have had the same experiences with my friends....women are very accepting, men a bit more reserved, but they all came around quite quickly. To your point about your male friends fearing the loss of their "male friend"....one of my male friends actually said to me that he was going to miss hanging out with the old me, assuming that everything would change about me. He is slowly seeing that is not the case. He is also the person that when I came out to them, he told me I was welcome in their house anytime, it is a safe haven, and nothing but love for me, and especially if I am having a crappy day, to just come over. So in my case, they have all come around....some take longer than others, at least in my case.

[PretzelGirl]

That is a fantastic story! I do believe that if we approach things positively, we get the best result. It may be a bad result, but that means we weren't going to affect the outcome anyway. I think you have the right personality to positively impact these situations.

It is interesting the differences we get in male/female responses. In the bigger picture, I feel I interact more with the women and a little less with the men since coming out to them. It is the interests sometimes that do that as I still talk about life in general with them. I wasn't an outdoor person or mechanically inclined, so being a regular bowler was my "guy" connection. I lost that with arthritis in my wrist. So it changed my interactions.

Your male friend was seeing his wife put product in your hair and then you told your story. That is a bonding moment geared towards her and not him. He was disconnected from the moment as he may not be a hair guy and not into shoes. So I would make an effort to do something the two of you do and maybe do it sometime soon. Give him the opportunity to bond at a level appropriate for him. He might have questions or he might just relax by realizing that you will still have things in common.

[I Am Paula]

Thanks for the lovely story. I'm always glad when these things go well.
One male friend lamented the loss of his 'buddy', until I came over to frame his new laundry room. When he saw that I could handle a nailgun, even with breasts, he realized he had not lost a friend.

[Nicole Erin]

Coming out as TG does not ruin solid friendships normally. Usually the only time things get ruined is if the relationship was already on the rocks.
At first there will be questions we always get about "how long have you known, what made you decide, do you like men or women..." but soon after, the friendship goes on as always.

[flatlander_48]

As for female friends, I AM THE PROBLEM>.... i feel pressured and inadequate next to them....i get embarrassed very easily...i am working on it..

As always, it is possible to tell yourself:

"You know, I could just let that go..." and then Fake It Until You Make It...

In other words, practice the change you would like to see.

DeeAnn

[Eryn]

I've brought two additional friends into the fold!

I have a close 20-year work colleague that I really wanted to have "in the know" because there are many activities that we'd like to do with him and his spouse. Not being out to them really impacted our social life because I am now doing most activities in female mode and it is increasingly uncomfortable to be in male mode.

Now, this friend had dropped some fairly large hints that he had some awareness of what I am about. Over the last few months he'd mentioned a common acquaintance who had transitioned and also said that he enjoyed the trailer for The Danish Girl, to which I replied that I had already seen the movie.

All that remained was getting them into a situation where we could have a private chat.

My friend wanted us to try out a favorite steak house of his a couple of cities over and I'm never one to turn down a good steak. We arranged to get together, along with out spouses, The restaurant had traditional wood-and-leather decor and was a very comfortable place. We enjoyed our meals (the steaks were excellent!) and settled down for a chat over dessert and coffee.

Taking a deep breath I told them that there was something that I had wanted to talk to them about for quite a while. I'd always told them about the active social life we lead, but I felt sorry that we hadn't included them in it. The thing that prevented it was that I was transgendered and just about everything I did outside of work was as a woman. I had been very secretive about it and now wanted to bring selected friends into the know. There was a moment's pause while that sank in.

My friend's spouse broke the silence. She said "Thank you for trusting us enough to tell us." That got things rolling so I gave them a brief description of my journey and my still-vague plans for transition. I showed them a couple of pictures on my phone so that they could get a mental picture of the female me. They were both on-board immediately! We chatted for a long while about transgenderism in general and resolved to do more things together. We paid our bill, walked outside, and parted ways with nice hugs all around.

This one went smoothly as expected. I told them that it was OK to discuss me with their son (who knows our daughters) but that I'd prefer that he not discuss it at work until I talk to more colleagues privately. He understood my reasons and said he had no problem with that. We spent time together at work today and everything is fine. It's kind of nice knowing that at least one colleague knows the real me!

I now have one strong ally at work and allies will make things much easier. The next step is to think of an interesting activity to do with them as Eryn! I'm looking forward to that!


It is interesting the differences we get in male/female responses. In the bigger picture, I feel I interact more with the women and a little less with the men since coming out to them. It is the interests sometimes that do that as I still talk about life in general with them.

Your male friend was seeing his wife put product in your hair and then you told your story. That is a bonding moment geared towards her and not him. He was disconnected from the moment...

You're absolutely correct, and it probably wasn't very nice of me from that standpoint. However, in our defense, there is no absolutely perfect moment and this was about the best we were going to get.


...You gotta tip toe with this subject and not push it real hard and fast and like you said just dress neutral around them for a long while so it doesn't threaten them. Maybe that shows them there is more than clothes and sex to this and that's what people need to understand?

My therapist and I discussed the issue and one thing that came up is that, from the male friend's point of view, I have "switched to the other team," an act that is not in his world-view at all. Even though males cooperate with the opposite gender, there is always an underlying tension and separation. Now he has to sort out how to relate to me now that my status has changed in his eyes. That will take time.

Mimi and I intend to continue to reach out to him. We have enjoyed eating together every week or two for years and we intend for this to continue.

[Michelle789]

First, congratulations on coming out to your friends. This is a huge step!!! I am so happy for you!!!

I honestly think while females do tend to be more accepting towards us than males, I think it has a lot to do with the strength of the relationship itself, but mostly, to do with the person's emotional and spiritual health. People that are basically decent human beings, and have worked through their emotional baggage from the past, are the ones who are most likely to accept us, while those with too much unresolved baggage from their pasts are more likely to reject us - either overtly or covertly.


I have been rejected overtly by three males.

I have been rejected covertly by two males ( one whom I was rather close too before I transitioned, the other who is Mr. Anti Government)

I have been accepted by plenty of males (my boss included, plus several men from my AA group)

I have been rejected overtly by no females

I have been rejected covertly by a couple of females (one of whom has a preoccupation with my male persona)

I have been accepted by virtually every other female in my life

I agree that women love seeing us join their side. They love having a shopping buddy, a girlfriend to talk girl talk with, and someone who is on the team female. Males often have problems with their egos, plus males are losing us to team female. They often fear we will lose interest in football and cars, and that we would have nothing in common with them. The truth is that there are plenty of transwomen who retain their interest in football and cars even years after transitioning. There are plenty of transwomen, such as myself, who had no interest in football nor cars even before transitioning. I am into tech and am highly intellectual, but not into Star Wars (nor Star Trek).

[Eryn]

Oh, one other very nice thing.

I was alone at work with the person to whom I had come out the evening before. He said "By the way, it's wonderful how Mimi is so supportive and encouraging."

He is 100% correct. Having Mimi at my side and participating in the conversation makes things go so much smoother. I get tongue-tied in the tension of the situation and she deftly fills in the gaps. Her obvious support and enthusiasm provides a behavioral model for everyone involved.

[PretzelGirl]

You're absolutely correct, and it probably wasn't very nice of me from that standpoint. However, in our defense, there is no absolutely perfect moment and this was about the best we were going to get.

Just to be clear, I wasn't trying to say you weren't being nice. It was the moment you were in and that is just how it played out. I was just pointing out that doing something more geared to him would be a good next step.

[Marcelle]

Hi Eryn,

Late to the thread so . . . congrats on such a great outcome. I found coming out to long term friends a bit of a wild card but for the most part transitioning place necessitated a very quick outing to all. I have lost one very dear friend but I think he is slowly coming around but only time will tell. For the most part, the guys I knew as Marcel were a bit shocked but slowly accepted and most of the women I knew were a bit quicker off the mark.

Congrats again!

Cheers

Marcelle

[Eryn]

The next step is upon me: Meeting the in-laws!

Mimi and I are taking a road trip up the coast to see them all.

We'll have a big family dinner with my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, her husband, a nephew, a niece, and her boyfriend. They've already been told that I am trans, but this is the first time they will see me in the flesh. I don't anticipate any problems, but it will be interesting.

Wish me luck!.



Just to be clear, I wasn't trying to say you weren't being nice. It was the moment you were in and that is just how it played out. I was just pointing out that doing something more geared to him would be a good next step.

Indeed we have. We've been out to our weekly breakfasts a couple of times since then and everything has been as it usually is. The only difference is that I could show him the pictures I took of the previous evening because he's now "cleared" to see them.


...For the most part, the guys I knew as Marcel were a bit shocked but slowly accepted and most of the women I knew were a bit quicker off the mark.

I think that you are right. For our male acquaintances, we're leaping into the Great Unknown and they can't share the experience. They have nothing to offer us but their best wishes.

For our female acquaintances, there is no unknown. They're already there and are probably a little pleased that we have chosen to "come over" and experience their world. (yes, I know, it wasn't a choice, but let's not burst their bubble, right?)

I fully expected some women to reject me as an unqualified applicant to their exclusive club, but so far that has not happened at all.

[Rianna Humble]

You shouldn't need luck if your in-laws take after their daughter.

Hope you and Mimi have a wonderful time.

[Eryn]

You shouldn't need luck if your in-laws take after their daughter.

You are, of course, correct.

I spent two days on the central coast with Mimi, my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, niece, nephew, husbands, and boyfriends. We walked the wharf, shopped the boutiques, ate at various restaurants, saw Star Wars, and spent a lot of time just chatting.

Gender never came up! :)

[pamela7]

ok Eryn, this is my dilemma for tomorrow, when I get to spend all day with one of my oldest friends and his wife. they' don't know, tho i've been in andro-ish mode the last few meets (tunic, leggings, fleece, boots up to just below the knee) without any comments. It's a big one for me, as this friend introduced me to my hometown here, he knows everyone in the upper circles. I'm likening this to playing pontoon - stick or twist: stick and lose out to being true to myself, or twist and maybe win or maybe bust.

[Rachel Smith]

I told all my long term friends now all I have are short term friends.

[MissDanielle]

True friends will accept you for who you are. If they don't, that's not a true friend.

[Rianna Humble]

As many people know, my "coming out" path was less than usual, but I will never forget the reaction of one of my friends when she read about me in the local paper. She took the news story, showed it to her husband, and said "That's my friend!"

[Badtranny]

True friends will accept you for who you are. If they don't, that's not a true friend.

How do closeted people come in here and spout meaningless platitudes to people who are coming out?

...also, I thought Eryn was 100% out "except for work"? Didn't we have some protracted discussion about how insignificant that "one last little bit" was? I think the tweeners were throwing around that silly 95% number because they were in "women's clothes as soon as they got home" or something.

I mean, I applaud your coming out efforts, but after a couple of months of your reports of coming out to friends, can we now all agree that "except for work" is a useless statement? When will you be able to admit to the forum that you have been mostly closeted except for hand picked social occasions?

What is this aversion to honesty that so many here seem to have?

[MissDanielle]

I'm semi-closeted. I live in a backwoods state and a living situation that isn't great at the moment...so I'm not fully coming out until after I move to a city that will better suit me. My closest friends know and they all accept and support me for who I am. One jerk didn't and let's just say, we're not talking at all.

The circle of family and friends that know are growing wider every day.

[Badtranny]

...and now we have yet another new way to avoid the truth. "semi-closeted"?

Come on people shouldn't the TS forum be about facing reality and abandoning fantasy and pretense? Transition requires a stiff spine, thick skin, and a solid grasp on the hard facts.

There is no crime in not being Out with a capital 'O'. It's totally okay to pick and choose your moments. It's just good sense to not come out at work until you're ready. There is nothing wrong with being "in the middle". Just embrace whoever you are and wherever you are on the 'journey' or the 'spectrum'.

Transition is a very personal thing so why not own it and report on your REAL journey? It doesn't serve anyone when you embellish things including yourself. In fact it damages your credibility in the eyes of someone who might be on a very similar path.

[debstar]

This is something I worry about a lot, coming out to friends family and work colleges. Eryns story gives me a little perspective, hope and guidance as do all shared experiences on this forum.

Badtranny - Developing a 'stiff spine, thick skin, and a solid grasp on the hard facts' is something I will have to work on as you have mentioned this before and I trust you have significant personal insight in to this, but suppose you mean it is different to pretending to be a guy? and the think skin required to live your genuine self in the face of a binary world. If I can not Woman up in a hurry then either I do nor belong on this forum nor in the CD group.


Debs.

[Leah Lynn]

Those long time friends that I knew wouldn't or couldn't accept me, I just let the friendships slide. Others more than likely told them about me by now, and none have contacted me. Adios, bro. I don't have that many friends anyway, but I do have lots of acquaintances. Not close enough to really care about.

I talked our uniform supplier to change the name on my work shirts (done), and they brought several pairs of women's Wrangler jeans for me to try on. Should have them next week. The only thing I need at work is my new company credit card.

Here in Smallville, life is good. Transitioning in place ain't so bad when you work with and for good people.

Leah

[flatlander_48]

Here in Smallville, life is good.

But they still let you keep the cape, right??

DeeAnn

[Eryn]

How do closeted people come in here and spout meaningless platitudes to people who are coming out?

...also, I thought Eryn was 100% out "except for work"? Didn't we have some protracted discussion about how insignificant that "one last little bit" was?...

One of the couples I referred to above includes a work colleague, the other couple is not from work but are in my (very) local community. I have been out to my in-laws for some time, but this is the first time I've visited them as Eryn.

I don't recall if I ever said "except for work." I might have or I might have said "except in my local community." The two groups are nearly the same, but there are a couple of people who are in one but not the other. I made the statement without considering that it might be scrupulously examined by a reader whose only goal is to find a "gotcha."

I do not appreciate this attempt to hijack the thread and chill discussion. I write about my experiences because I want to share them. I want others to learn from my successes and my mistakes. Perhaps it will help them to pursue the goal of being real to themselves in their own way as I have in mine.

I welcome constructive comments from everyone, those who are totally "out" and those who are closeted. Good ideas are good ideas no matter their origin.

I do not welcome negative comments from people who think that any path different from their own is invalid and who wish to bully those who think differently into silence. This behavior has driven away a number of thoughtful and interesting members and it needs to stop.

OK, now for a more pleasant topic, my latest experience:

When I came out to the first couple in this thread I was, of course, not in female mode. I think that one of the keys to helping my male-world friends perceive me as female is to make their first experience with Eryn pleasant and diverting. The emphasis shouldn't be on me, but on whatever activity we are doing.

The opportunity came up when the female half of the couple had her sisters visiting from back east. She wanted to show them a good time and asked if I could take them to a private club in Hollywood to which Eryn has member privileges. I explained the dress code to them and pictures were texted back and forth to make sure their outfits were suitable. After a few visits to various closets all three ladies were suitably attired.

We arrived at the club and found that it was jammed. We dropped our car at the valet and were greeted by the doorman who ushered us into the club. We enjoyed a drink and saw a couple of very good shows. I gave them a tour of the entire club (which is a bit like a rabbit warren) and gave them what history I knew. We spent about three hours there and as the evening went on more and more people arrived and things got too crowded so we decided to go to dinner.

Retrieving the car from the valet we drove a couple of miles over to Canter's on Fairfax. This is a long-established deli that has clung to its 1960s decor. We sat, ate, and chatted for a couple of hours about all sorts of things.

255453

Fully sated, we hopped in the car and I dropped them off at their place.

The best thing is, at no time during the entire evening was transgenderism mentioned! I do not know nor do I care whether my friend told her sisters about my status. Throughout the evening I was treated as one of the girls and that is how I want it to be. I consider this to be a milestone in my journey.

[Bria]

Eryn, I want to thank you for all of the reports that you have posted over the last couple of years whether they were the adventures of Eryn and Barbara, or just of Eryn now that Barb has hit the road. It's like a letter from an old friend that now lives a half a continent away. Regardless of the forum that they are posted, I take from them what relates to my life as I wander down this path.

Thanks again, I like the photo, the three sisters sure do look alike!

Hugs, Bria

[pamela7]

i'm actually appreciating all the comments on this thread. I don't see anyone's posts as personal attacks, more they're usefully challenging - to me, at least.

Yesterday I dressed andro (100% in ladies clothing, but not so that anyone would really notice) out of consideration of a feeling those old friends would not really understand. I feel i was right not to upset their NYE celebration, them being Scottish, and of an age where CD/TS are really quite foreign. They are lovely people, but even the conversation touching subjects close to it saw them becoming uncomfortable, so I left it alone.

I can see this can be seen as lacking courage or truth, but I also see this as a respecting their needs too, in their house. Perhaps its a dilemma going to the nub of going through with tranistioning or being "all talk and no trousers". :-)) I see this as part of not wanting to be the cause of pain or suffering to others. I'm open to being challenged on it. I can see so many perspectives here.

[emma5410]

I understand where you are coming from Pamela but I think you were wrong. Or rather it is not something I would do (which may not be the same thing:)). I do not know if you are full time but I believe that once you are then you should never compromise.
I have every right to be who I am. I would never ask someone else to be something they are not. If some aspect of them was a problem for me then I would avoid them. Other people have the same option with me and some exercise it.
I do not see the point of going through all that transition involves, finally having the freedom to be yourself, and then pretending to be something else to please other people. I spent a lifetime doing that. I am not doing it again.

[Megan G]

Eryn, I don't see any negative comments at all and certainly don't see any bullying. We are all on out own unique path, no two transitions are the same. I applaud you also for each and every step you have taken to live your life authentically, after all that's what transition is all about, no more lies, no more fantasy world..

But Misty is right, how many terms do we really need on here to describe being in the closet still.
Closeted
Semi closeted
Full time except for work
Full time except for local community
Part time
Out to a select few
Out at work
Out to work colleagues
And the list goes on...

If your not out to absolutely everyone your still closeted in some way. Like Misty I can appreciate coming out at your own pace and waiting until your ready because this crap gets very real, very fast once you are 110% out.

I know for me once I started the coming out process it became very hard to hide who I was to those that did not know and needed to live my life authentically. So I treated it like a bandaid, one fast motion to rip it off to get it over with. Once it was over and only then was I truly able to live free and be me 100% of the time.

[MissDanielle]

My email client is set up to where my signature is my name and there's been a few times after sending emails in which I couldn't remember if I deleted the LE from the end of my first name in an email sent to someone I'm not out to. I'm going at my on pace.

[Bria]

I'm going to take Pamela's side. How is Pamela's authenticity compromised by not pushing she gender identity in the face of those that are dear friends. Pamela is not denying who she is, just going about normal life, interacting with friends in a social situation.

I would call that being polite. Not everybody is called to be an activist. I appreciate Eryn's example of coming out to friends in a considerate fashion.

My 2 cents.

Hugs, Bria

[Suzanne F]

I appreciate going at your own pace and doing it your own way. But being polite about who we are is part of the problem. That is why we live in shame and humiliation. I used to bristle about being out everywhere except work. But guess what? It got real now that I am me 24/7. There is another layer when you are totally out of the closet. There is no semi closet. I do jot owe anyone being less than the real me. I totally owe it to myself to quit apologizing for being me. I respect anyone's decision to stay in the closet just let's not try to dress it up.
Suzanne

[Eryn]

I care about my friends and colleagues. These are people who have stood with me for decades and I'm pretty sure that they will continue to stand with me. If there is a way to ease their process of getting accustomed to me as a female that is what I will do.

It is possible to assert what we are quite firmly while still remaining polite.

On to new things:

We took my work colleague and his wife to dinner and the opera (Pacific Opera Project) yesterday evening. Everyone had a great time. In the course of the evening they misgendered me a few times and apologized, but habits of 20+ years are hard to break. In fact, I take the misgendering to be an indication that they have relaxed and are not preoccupied with my gender. They're just out with friends. As my friend said, "you're still my buddy, no matter what you're wearing! :)

[DebbieL]

At my last high school reunion, I came as Debbie. I had put pictures of me as Debbie in my profile, and let them know I would be coming.

When I got to the reunion, 6 girls I had known since second grade gave be a warm greeting, calling me Debbie and giving me a nice friendly hug. They smiled and one of them said "It's about time, I'm just surprised it took you so long". It seems my best kept secret wasn't such a well kept secret to these girls. They had known I was a girl inside since I was in second grade.

[Eryn]

Another interesting growth experience yesterday.

Mimi and I had been to a jewelry show at the LA Convention Center on Saturday and I was wearing a long T-shirt dress since it is rather warm here in SoCal.

My daughter has a new beau and they were on their second date. She decided to drop by and introduce him to us. We were introduced and he didn't bat an eyelash! We sat and talked for a couple of hours. I'm sure that she told him about me in advance, but it was wonderful how naturally everything fell together!

[pamela7]

I'll update on that situation with those friends: we've since been out with them to a formal dinner with me all dressed up, and out locally socially, so all in all a little pacing rather than a shock has meant no disturbance to them. I'm working 24/7 en-femme, hell this is Mexico, with clients in in-depth personal work, so I don't think I'm missing out on being out or avoiding, nor am i fudging issues or presentation.

Thanks Bria.

[Eryn]

Pacing is definitely a good idea. I also find it a good idea to make the first outing with the female me one that has diversions. That way the attention is off of me and I'm just their friend having a good time with them as always.

[pamela7]

Yes, another old friend got in touch last night, and is super-impressed/excited by my transition, and is even going to fly down here to pass a couple of days talking, now that IS a positive response.

[Eryn]

Coming out to three more co-workers!

Another big opportunity presented itself today and I grabbed it!

Some co-workers were having an after-work b**** session at a nearby restaurant. I dropped in with the group, in my normal work attire. In attendance were the group of people who I've most wanted to come out to, including the one work colleague that I'm already out to. There were two GGs, two males, and me.

Now, I am always cautious about these things, as a secret once told cannot be untold. Still, I was tempted to tell them.

The conversation wended its way around to the bathroom battles. Three of the people were of the "who cares where people pee" attitude. One expressed the "what about the little girls?" propaganda. I kept my head down, not wanting to tip my hand. I felt a bit gut-punched, as the one who repeated the propaganda was also the one I thought would be most supportive.

The conversation drifted and I told them about the private performance art club that I'd auditioned for and just been accepted. I showed them my membership card, not showing them the back with my female name. They all congratulated me and the conversation went on.

The session was winding down and I decided that the time was as right as it would ever get. I said "Before we leave, there's something that I've wanted to tell all of you. The bathroom conversation a while ago bothered me because it's very close to home for me. You see, I'm transgendered."

Everyone there was outwardly supportive and thanked me for telling them. One of the GGs said "Do you want me to call you by your female name?" I replied that the name to use is the one that matches my presentation and I'm not bothered by mistakes.

I said "To give you an idea of where I am at, I'd like you all to look at the back of this membership card" and passed it around. They were surprised to see my female name. I told them "Yes, I auditioned and was accepted as my female self, and in fact I've never been to the club as a male."

We all got up to leave, and both of the GGs made a point to give me a hug, something that they had never done before.

I am very happy with the outcome. Of course, the future might be interesting, as there are now three additional people who are now "in the know" and I cannot realistically expect the secret to be kept. It's just too juicy.

I actually think that this might be a good thing. I now have a core group of supportive people who will say "Of course I knew, so what?" if asked about me. Word will likely trickle out to others which in my environment might be a better way for it to happen than to have a "grand announcement".

[flatlander_48]

E:

I was just thinking about your step by step approach compared to my Splash. What it points up is that there is no Right or Wrong way to do this. It's more a function of one's personality and the surrounding circumstances. At any rate, we do what we need to do and that's the important thing.

DeeAnn

[Eryn]

The individual situation is of paramount importance, and I've continuously adjusted my approach as my situation has changed. Like many of us, my pace has accelerated as the goal becomes more apparent and it becomes more difficult to lead a double life. Above all, I want the people close to me to feel comfortable because they are my allies and defenders if those more distant shoot their mouths off.

[flatlander_48]

I think understanding is a key point. Let's face it, when it comes to the subject of transgenderism, there are A LOT of folks that just don't know what's going on and that is exacerbated by the amount of agenda-driven misinformation that is continually spewed. The only way that folks will begin to get some idea of the truth is through us. But, we need to manage the news. In order to have people Get It, the information should come out in maybe 2, 3 or 4 parcels with some time in between to absorb and process what was said. I think we owe that to those who are open enough to want to support us.

DeeAnn

[pamela7]

sometimes it has to be done. I'm going to another funeral on wednesday and all my aunts and uncles and many cousins will be there - so i had to call two uncles up front; seems they already knew and while i don't know if they approve, it's okay and i'm going dressed as i wish.

[Eryn]

...Of course, the future might be interesting, as there are now three additional people who are now "in the know" and I cannot realistically expect the secret to be kept. It's just too juicy....

Well, my prediction was correct. I was taken aside by another colleague today who said that he knew about my "changes," as he put it. He said "I just want you to know that you're my friend, we've been through a lot together, and I support you in whatever you end up doing."

This lifted quite a load from me, as this particular colleague is rather religious and one can never predict how a particular religious organization has told their people to treat TG individuals. It turned out, at least outwardly, that he is going to be supportive.

I've one more work colleague to bring into the fold. He'll likely be fine as he is a fairly progressive fellow.

I invited the two GGs that I told in Post 43 to accompany me to a private club. They are eagerly figuring out a day that works for all of us. I get the sense that they are looking forward to seeing my female side! :)

[pamela7]

that's really cool Eryn.
the funeral today went really well, acceptance from all my cousins and aunts/uncles. No-one even noticed me in the really snooty cafe i visited with my mum beforehand - "just another older lady" (pass) :-).

[Eryn]

At the funeral, the important thing is that you were there.

As far as being invisible, welcome to life as an older woman. Once we're evaluated as not being mating material or competition we disappear from the observer's consciousness.

My last work colleague is now in the know. He's younger and a progressive thinker do I wasn't worried about his acceptance.

The next hurdle for me is documentation, then on to management.

[flatlander_48]

E:

I assume that you are not originally from Idaho, Kansas, Ohio or Tennessee. Correct?

DeeAnn

[Eryn]

Thankfully, no. Everything is changeable for me.

Another reason for a uniform federal law. Why should a TG person's identity be under the control of a hate state they may not have ever inhabited?

[flatlander_48]

That's why I make this point whenever someone talks about using Birth Certificates as a screening tool. By the way, I'm originally from Ohio, but fortunately I have no plans to transition. Screwed if I was, though.

Totally agree about consistency. That was one of the main points regarding Marriage Equality. People could cross a state line and have their relationships invalidated. Just shouldn't be...

So, forge ahead!

DeeAnn

[ariannavt]

@Eryn - are you changing documentation BEFORE talking to your employer? Am curious on your reasons for this. I am taking the opposite approach... speaking with my employer and then moving to a full-time date and updating documentation at that point.

[PretzelGirl]

Arianna, I did the same and it worked out for me. I found no issues with my DL and SSN being changed. So when I came out to HR, I was able to start the background items (insurance, etc) as my name was already legally changed. All they had to hold back on was the items that would be displayed to others in the company. This avoided having to use my chosen name for things like email and such and changing it later.

[ariannavt]

That makes sense Sue.

For my own plan, it looks like I'm going to be out at my company sometime in the next 2-4 weeks (shooting for the week of June 6th). At that time I will inform the owner, and then send all of my employees a note explaining that I am trans (or seeing if the HR person or the owner want to send the note). At this point everyone will know that I'm pursuing transition, and that I will give everyone a heads-up prior to making the actual switch (which I expect to be in late 2016). Once I set that full-time date, I am going to start working on documentation. When the date arrives I will ask everyone to stop using my current name and start using my new name and pronouns going forward.

[flatlander_48]

send all of my employees a note explaining that I am trans (or seeing if the HR person or the owner want to send the note)

However the message comes about, remember that in these times there is a lot of confusion, misinformation and outright lies about what Transgenderism actually is. I would hope that your message corrects some of those things that are just completely wrong and agenda-driven. You didn't say how many people are involved, but quite possibly you will be the first Transgender person that many have come in contact with.

What I gather from talking to Human Resources professionals and the Diversity Officer at my former employer, folks in many organizations have had little or no contact with Transgender people. This suggests that you may need to do more "leading" than you had thought.

Good Luck!

DeeAnn

[Eryn]

It is my desire to be "legal" before making it official at work for the reasons that Sue pointed out.

I also want to make my transition at a busy time of year when everyone will be too busy doing their jobs to pay much attention to me. I don't need any "grand pronouncements" or all-hands meetings any more than an employee who goes away as Ms. Smith and comes back as Mrs. Jones. I just want to get on with my life.

Everyone who works closely with me now knows and have all expressed support. Of all the other employees, I know of only one who has expressed a dislike for the transgendered and I don't have to interact with her in the course of my work.

I count myself very lucky to be a Californian, where I have strong protections written into the law for LGBT persons, including the T. That's not to say that Californians don't do stupid things (Prop 8 passed, after all) but overall I'm on the side of the angels.

[ariannavt]

Thanks Eryn.

My work situation is a little different. We are a small company (~50 people) and, other than the owner, everyone reports to me. So my transition is definitely going to be the subject of gossip and there is just no way I can quietly make a change. It made me decide to be sure I am the one steering the conversation and putting this out there. I'd rather meet it head-on and see where things go from there. The only reaction/person I am nervous about is the owner. He is in his 70's and, over the years, has made some fairly intolerant remarks to me about all sorts of people. I just have no idea where this is going to go, and while I definitely have legal protections on my side (Vermont) I also know that there are many ways to convince someone to quit.

[Eryn]

A MAJOR milestone today. I went in for a chat with my boss about my transition at work. He turned out to be very supportive and we discussed some contingencies to mitigate possible bad outcomes. He promised to back me up and to make sure that I will be treated well by those around me.

From the time he first learned my female name he used it, along with proper pronouns.

The next step is introducing my transition to the remaining staff. I want to avoid an "all-hands pronouncement" if I can. Luckily, we are going to have an "LGBT issues" session for everyone next week and I will probably be the one to lead it. At the end I'll just say "One problem with transgender acceptance is that transgender people want to blend into society. They do such a good job that many people don't realize that they know a transgender person. That will not be a problem with us because you all know me, and I happen to be transgender." That will get it out in the open in a friendly way.

Anyway, I'm now female everywhere. All that is left is the paperwork.




The following is pasted from a previous post to avoid a double post:

I recently joined Facebook, since some of my new female social groups use it to organize events. As you know, FB is very good at finding links and "suggesting" friends. I've always tried to keep boy and girl world separate, but I've had a couple of surprises. The other day, I received a friend request from a friend I meet at automotive events. She is a nice lady that I only see a couple of times a year.

I sent her a text, saying "I'll be happy to friend you, but first you should know..." and laid it out. She responded, saying "That's nice, when can we get together?

We met up for breakfast with her parents (surprise!) and went shopping at an outlet mall. Other than a couple of gender slips everything went perfectly!

[tgirlamc]

Eryn!!! That is so great to hear and bodes well for the last few feet to the finish line at work for you!!!! All will be well!!!:.. Many Congrats!!!! :)!!!!!!!!

[Eryn]

The last few days have been great. On Monday I gave a 4-minute speech to my work colleagues as a culmination of an administrator's presentation of transgender legal rights. It's pretty hard to boil a lifetime's experiences into a few key points, but it came off pretty well.

When I finished the speech the audience began clapping and as I returned to my seat most of them rose to their feet. I was blown away! After the session a lot of people came up to congratulate me and thank me for my speech. I hugged more people that day than I ever had before. People that I didn't even know shook my hand and promised support! For the rest of the day people kept coming up to me with congratulations. To say I was walking on air is an understatement!

Today as I checked in I noticed that my correct name was on the sign-in sheet and on my employee mailbox. I updated the business website with my correct name and a much better picture. It'll take a while to correct everything my name appears on, but to anyone looking at the company directory or website I'm my authentic self.

There are a few hurdles remaining, but it is great knowing that so many of my colleagues support me! I'm a happy woman!

[tgirlamc]

That's such wonderful news Eryn!!!!... What a great recounting of the day as well!!! Your happiness is palpable!!! Congrats!!! :)

[grace7777]

Eryn,

It is great to hear that people at your workplace are so accepting of your transition. Also, It is encouraging to me to read a story like yours, it provides me with hope for my future. I hope that you continue to be a happy woman.

Grace

[PretzelGirl]

Those are great and scary experiences. I am glad things are going well. May they continue in that path!

[Bria]

Eryn, I think that you handled the situation very well, as you have in the past. Does this mean that you are at the beginning of the end or at the end of the beginning??

Hugs, Bria

[Eryn]

I'm not sure. The next task is legal paperwork.

I'm breathing much easier about my work situation, with everyone going out of their way to support me. People I only knew in passing are sending me emails to make sure everything is going well. So far none of the problems I'd dreamt up have come to pass!

[Mimi]

I'm so impressed with the way Eryn's work colleagues have handled this. What a relief for both of us!

[Eryn]

I haven't posted much about work lately because I've been living it!

One thing that I've not discussed here is my precise job description, mostly because I was afraid to make myself too easily trackable. That's not so much a danger any more so I'll fess up. I'm a high school teacher.

A couple of good things have happened since coming out.

Our school has had a Genders and Sexualities Alliance group for a number of years. I had distanced myself from this group previously out of fear that it would tend to out me. The present sponsor wanted some help and after I came out to the staff she asked me to be a co-sponsor. The group is student-led, so all I do is give general guidance and make sure that they don't go overboard. It's actually great fun and an eye-opener to see how young people deal with being LGBT.

I was also asked to give a presentation for the school's anti-bullying group. This group is nearly 200 students, about 8% of the school population. I talked to them for 20 minutes about TG history, the gender spectrum, misconceptions about the transgender community, and my own story. It was a very good audience and I got a standing ovation at the end!

It can be bit awkward at times, since I have worked at this school for over 20 years. Many of the students knew me in previous years and of course my colleagues have known me as male since day one. I also don't want to present anything that would be inflammatory on social media so I am still conservative in my dress. I typically wear T-shirts and Capris or tunics and leggings to school. On a couple of occasions I wore long skirts when I was giving presentations. No dresses yet, but that will come in due time.

Both students and staff have been very supportive. My students call me "Mrs." or "Ms." and my colleagues use my correct name. There have been slips, but always followed by an apology and my telling them not worry about it. I've even misgendered myself a few times when answering the phone or when talking about myself in the 3rd person! It happens, no sense worrying about it!

I did turn down a request from a student journalist to write an article about me for the school paper. I didn't think that it would be wise to publicize myself to the hundreds of students I don't interact with regularly. It might inspire mischief. I asked the budding reporter to come back to see me in the Spring semester when I have more self-confidence.

My daily routine is somewhat changed. Suddenly it actually matters what I wear to school, rather than just throwing on jeans and the first T-shirt that falls to hand. Top, bottom, earrings, necklace, bracelet, hair clips, scrunchie and shoes now need to be coordinated so it takes a few minutes more to get out of the house in the morning. I don't normally wear a lot of makeup, but I now feel naked without something on my lips. It's ironic that something that used to feel forbidden is suddenly virtually required.

One of the best things is that I can wear my nail polish every day. I've always hated removing a perfectly good manicure to go to school and now I don't have to! It's a trivial thing, but it means a lot to me.

Negative events can be counted on one hand with fingers to spare and they have all been trivial, such as one nasty email that was written so badly that I felt sorry for the illiterate person who wrote it. One retired colleague apparently didn't like my transition and said to a friend "Have you heard about [my male name]? Isn't it disgusting?" My friend said "As a matter of fact I have, since we have breakfast together every Sunday!" That seems to have shut my detractor up!

So, life remains good. Work is falling into routine and Mimi and I have an active social life. I've been very lucky, but I've also planned carefully and made good choices.

[jentay1367]

Good for you Eryn. I've watched you for a long time now and have observed that you do make excellent decisions. You seem to be your own woman and aren't easily dissuaded with others nonsense about what you "should" be doing. Looks like it's all paying off too! I'd wish you good luck but you don't need that. You've proven time and again that luck is found where hard work and preparation converge. I will however say congratulations and wish you continued success on the path. Lisa

[Bria]

Eryn, it sounds like life is good in your end of the world!! It's good to hear of the level of acceptance that you have received at your school, in a couple of years there will be no students that knew male you and hopefully all of your colleagues will have forgotten /adjusted if they haven't already. Cheers!!!

Hugs, Bria

[Eryn]

The holidays are upon us and my first semester of teaching as my authentic self is behind me. As far as work goes, things have been very smooth. Relations with students, parents, colleagues and administration are all going very well and things are feeling quite normal now.

I typically wear either a T-shirt and jeans or tunic top and leggings to work as I ride a bicycle most days. I'll occasionally wear a skirt for a special occasion which means I have to drive.

The only hiccup was when my administrator took me aside and said "I debated whether to bring this up or not, but two students requested a different teacher next semester with the same reason: 'My religion prohibits me from having a transgender teacher.'" He then said "That sort of thing isn't going to happen here and the counselors have already denied those requests."

I am lucky, both that I live in California where trans rights are stated in law and for my administrators who don't skirt those laws! :thumbup:

[phylis anne]

Eryn ,
congrats on your job and being accepted you are one of the lucky few as you know by reading the many experiences here on the board.I also commend your administrators for standing with you it makes you feel like you truly belong ,
hugs phylis anne

[Starling]

Hurrah for you, Erin, for your administrator, and for our great State of California!

:) Lallie

[Kate T]

The only hiccup was when my administrator took me aside and said "I debated whether to bring this up or not, but two students requested a different teacher next semester with the same reason: 'My religion prohibits me from having a transgender teacher.'" He then said "That sort of thing isn't going to happen here and the counselors have already denied those requests."

I am lucky, both that I live in California where trans rights are stated in law and for my administrators who don't skirt those laws! :thumbup:

Yes......and no. Personally if you are a teacher I would have said to the administrator that I would have preferred to have been advised and given the opportunity to be involved in mediation with those students. Now next term you are going to be responsible for firstly ensuring those students are not disruptive to others in your class and secondly they are entitled to an education as well and if a personality clash between yourself and those students prevents them from receiving that education is that fair to them?

We must be cautious that we don't fall into the same culture of entitlement that those who would discriminate against us subscribe to. Administrators and counsellors denying requests and forcing those students into your class merely feeds the disenfranchisement that has been exhibited across Western cultures in both the northern and southern hemispheres. Far better to educate those students and give them an opportunity to choose to take your class despite their unfounded fears.

Despite my feelings above I am glad that things are going well for you.

[Eryn]

I'm now living a full-time life, so Most of my friends and colleagues are in the loop. However, there always seems to be a few more to bring in.

I recently went to an annual automotive get-together about 300 miles from home. I am not in regular communication with the people I know there, so I decided to just show up and see what would happen. Just to raise the anxiety level, the event was not in a trans-friendly state.

The grapevine had let some of my friends know of my transition. Others didn't, but seemed to take it in stride. My male name and pronouns were occasionally used, but I'm not overly touchy about that. Overall, it was a very fun weekend!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Kate, I can see your point, but this situation was properly handled in the same manner as any other "teacher change" request. The school policy is that students may choose classes, but their schedules (and therefore teacher assignment) are determined to make best use of school resources. Students may request changes only due to a limited list of valid reasons such as duplicate classes. Students still try to "shop for teachers," usually saying things like "This teacher doesn't match my learning style" or somesuch. My situation has just given them another thing to try, but the result was the same. My administrator was of the mind that they simply wanted to switch to the other teacher who is perceived as being easier.

My philosophy, and that of my administration throughout this entire process has been that my transition is a normal occurrence. In my classes I've mentioned being trans exactly once, to dispel rumors on the first day of class. I have spoken about trans issues to student groups, but only those who wanted to be constructively educated. In class I teach my subject and my gender is not a factor.

These students have been in my class for a semester without causing disruption. I doubt that they will cause any in the spring. Male or female, I am a veteran teacher and pretty good at maintaining classroom discipline. I'm not terribly worried.

[kimdl93]

I'm so glad that your administrator is supportive. Now maybe those kids will be obliged to open their minds and actually learn a thing or two!

[ashleymasters]

That does sound very positive. I'm happy for you. I wouldn't worry too much about your male friend. It may be hard for him to accept and I'm sure he'll be a little more slow moving than his wife but twenty years is a long friendship.

[Eryn]

The school year is winding down and I'm amazed at how quickly it has gone by. I was very conservative in dress for the first semester, feminine, but not flashy. In the second semester I've loosened up considerably, wearing skirts and brighter colors. It is wonderful to be able to express myself as I wish at work!

In the first semester I declined a request from the school newspaper to do an article about me, in the second semester the yearbook staff asked for an interview and I said yes, as long as I could proofread it. They asked some questions and came back with a very nice article which I approved without any changes. The yearbook is out and response has been positive from students and staff.

I'm to the point where I don't remember when I last presented as male. That's a good feeling!

[Rachel Smith]

Great for you Eyrn. I have never thought about it but I can't remember the last time I pretended to be a male either. Freudian slip there :devil:

[Eryn]

I've been enjoying my summer with Mimi. We've done a couple of day trips, shared a lot of breakfasts out, and seen quite a few shows.

I'm still running into a few surprises. I was at a retirement party for a work colleague and forgot that it might be attended by people previously retired who aren't aware of my transition. One such fellow recognized Mimi, was engaging her in conversation as I walked up. He turned to me and asked her "and who might this be?" He must have seen the puzzled look on my face because he looked more intently and blurted my male name and "is that you?" Mimi corrected my name for him and everything was cool! :)

[Persephone]

Very interesting to see progression over 18 months. The original post is a good read.

[Eryn]

Another school year is under way. With a full year past since coming our, I felt no need to mention my TG status to anyone. None of my current students knew me in the "before time." Everything has been running smoothly.

Our social life is great! Mimi and I do a lot more than we did when I was closeted! I'm even doing performances in front of audiences! Great fun!

[grace7777]

Happy to hear that work is going well for you. There is nothing like being able to work as your true gender.

[Becoming Brianna]

I'm so happy for you Eryn! Glad you're able to live and work authentically.

[Jennifer Marie P.]

Yes isn't it great to get it out in the open.

[Terri Andrews]

I appreciate the sharing of your journey . I am retired so no full time job to deal with .
Last month I told about 30 friends and all but 4 have been great with it . I have not started going out with them yet ,hope to start that soon . The only down side has been that my Sons can not accept because of their religious beliefs ,hope time will heal these wounds.

[Nancy Sue]

I has been so long since Eryn first posted I decided to bring back her original post, as a refresher, before making my own comments:


Up to this point, I've chosen to not let any of my long-term friends or colleagues know about my being TG. I present as androgynous most of the time near to home and for the most part the friends have continued to perceive me as male. They certainly see changes, but I'm a bit eccentric to begin with.

I realize that this cannot go on forever and after talking it over with Mimi we've decided to bring some of our closer friends into the know. This will allow us to better integrate them into my new life.

Today, the opportunity presented itself to talk privately with a couple who are long term (20+year) friends. We had breakfast with them and went over to their place to socialize. I asked Mimi if she thought that this would be a good time to bring up the subject and she wasn't sure. In situations like this I always take the safe route so I decided to hold off on the decision.

We were sitting and the conversation drifted around to our hairdresser, who happens to be the same lady for Mimi, myself, and the female half of the couple. We were each talking about our experiences with the hairdresser and our female friend said "let your hair down so I can see the highlights." I undid my ponytail and the normal compliments followed.

She then said "I have some new Paul Mitchell hair treatment that'll cut down the frizz in your hair. Would you like to try it?" One thing led to another and she was soon working the product through my hair with her fingers. She put my hair into a braid to keep it out of the way while the treatment worked.

At this point my phone rang with a text. It was Mimi, who was sitting right there, telling me privately "Go ahead and tell if you want."

I figured that there was no time like the present, so I said "there is one thing that I'd like to talk to the two of you about..." and told them that I was TG, that I had known for about five years, and that I was now in the process of transition. Mimi was there to support me and everything went very well. The female half of the couple said "I don't care how you dress, I love you either way." The male half of the couple was a bit more reserved but said nothing negative.

I showed them a couple of pictures of me out with my family, just so that they could get a mental image of how I look in my desired presentation. They thought that the pictures looked pretty good and I took that as a complement.

The female half of the couple then talked about her experiences with the LGBT scene in the city she last lived in. She had friends in the gay community, but wasn't acquainted with anyone in the Trans community there.

Before we left, the female half of the couple asked my shoe size. I said "11", and she said "I have a pair of shoes you might like. I'm an 11 but they are just a bit tight on me." She brought out a pair of peep-toe slingback pumps and I tried them on. They fit beautifully and she said "They're yours!"

Analysis:

I think it went really well. Both of my friends seemed to take it well, and probably thought of it as an explanation for the changes in my behavior and appearance over the last few years.

The female half of the couple seemed the most accepting. I talked about the experience with Persephone and she pointed out that my friend's mention of her LGBT connections was a statement of "political" acceptance, but that her gift of shoes was a token of acceptance on a personal level. I think that things will be fine with her and that from her point of view she has acquired a new female friend.

The male half of the couple was a bit more reserved. I think that he fears loss of his male friend and I can see his point. I'm the same person, able to be as geeky and mechanical as I previously was, but things will be different. I need to reach out to him to reassure him that the change is good and that he need not fear losing his friend. Th

Nancy Sue's Analysis:

Persephone is sooo prescient, she sees with such a full-on 3-D vision, that I am sometimes amazed at her. I came out to some business colleagues (now to the world, but that's beside the point here), and was accepted by most everyone (as Eryn and Persephone know). But when I read Persephone's comment, of how the lady did your hair, and that "the gift of shoes was a token of acceptance on a personal level" - I realized something of what a friend was telling me last January - well, "showing" me by her actions. Yes, she said she accepted me, and transmitted this to others in our profession in a meaningful way - and then she demonstrated her acceptance by doing my hair (I had snarls and tangles because I had not been trained to take care of long hair), and by taking me shopping all over town and helping me pick out several outfits - and then taking me shopping in her own closet and giving me several things, plus two pair of new shoes that were too tight on her, and also some of her mother's jewelry! I was overwhelmed back then, and I am even more grateful and blown away now, as i learn her actions meant more than even I could understand.

Thank you Persephone for your insights, and thank you Eryn for sharing this with the rest of us.

[Brandie.n]

I am happy to hear that it turned out well for you.when i came out to my friends all they said was about time you admitted it.Skip ahead a few years i had to teach one of the friends how to walk in heels for her wedding day

[Chrissi]

Eryn, I pop into this thread now and again.
I likewise am a high school teacher and decided over the summer that I could no longer continue as Mx. I was using that last year. While a number of colleagues were in the loop and very supportive, this summer at several PD events, Ms Z was present. So now even more colleagues in the loop :). (I was essentially living full time except at work, and hated, hated the duality...I called it fraud)

After an email to my Superintendant and Principal, I started school this year as Ms. Z
Many students seemed to be prepared, as many greeted me with correct pronouns on the first day. Of course many misgendered too, but I don’t get uptight about it...it is just force of habit for some.

The funny thing was, and the overwhelming response from many colleagues, and especially my Superintendant (who gave me a big smile and a hug, btw), that many said things like: “we’ve been waiting for you” or “well that sure clears up a lot of confusion” or “it’s about time” lol.

My students have been well, teenagers, lol...it doesn’t really affect them one way or another (nor should it, and that was the stated goal for me) Responce from parents has been silent, business as usual. Since my email did not change (my first initial is still the same) there have been a bunch of Mr Z or Mx Z emails...I don’t correct them, instead I make sure my signature which has my obviously feminine name is prominent. Most catch on in short order. I’m sure some brief conversations with their students too.

But like you...I have a whole new group to come out to this coming week...ugh...I coach at a different high school, and preseason league head coaches meeting is this week! This is a gentle bunch, but you never know? Because of the nature of the sport (skiing) most are not teachers themselves, so you’re never quite sure how people will react (I’ve been coaching for 16 years) (btw, my team knows)

Anyway, thanks for your posts and this thread! It’s great to know there are other teachers out there who have transitioned on the job in the same school!
Hugs,
Cristine

Ps, pretty close to first day of school picture for me. Lol...several colleagues sent me notes about my “first day” of school too...reduced me to happy tears
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[MssHyde]

Eryn good for you, that was sweet she did your hair, i bet you felt like purring. I hope your guy friend stays open with you.

[Eryn]

Crystine, good for you!

I was at the Models Of Pride youth LGBT event at USC last weekend. I went to a presentation and who should sit down next to me but another trans teacher! She was the first trans high school teacher I've met FTF! We chatted for a while and then parted ways. I'm the only out trans teacher in my 1000-teacher district that I know of. I really hope that my success will inspire other teachers to live authentically.

[Chrissi]

Hi Eryn,
I feel the same. As far as I know I’m the only trans teacher in my district, and surrounding communities (we share cross district PD on occasion). However, I personally know several other trans (ftm) teachers who I’ve met and interacted with at numerous GLSEN events over the last several years. I attended a weekend long retreat last April as me, and there were several GNC and trans teachers and educators. *

Also there are news stories of a couple other FTM trans teachers here in Massachusetts.

But it is important to me to be visible. Especially for gender questioning and trans identifying students. I want them to know that not only do they have an ally, but I am one of them. That if an older person can transition, then that option is theirs too. It’s important for me to be visible to parents too. It is imperative that family support, no matter the decision, significantly reduces suicide rates, substance abuse, homelessness, etc., for LGBTQIA+ youth.

I have since met with many parents, and so far, as best as I am aware, not a single negative reaction.

So like you, I can only hope that my being visible will remove the shackles of fear that all trans people experience in their daily lives whether out and open or still in the closet. Especially teachers. This is a generational learning curve, and acceptance then support will take time.
If you are on FB, please feel free to seek me out.
Cristine

*ps this was a planned outing for me. I had discussed with a couple of close colleagues and my GT about attending the weekend as me, Cristine. I knew going as me would most likely out me to other colleagues who still had friends from old districts etc. And indeed it did.
This was sort of the end of my planned transition year, last year.
I’ve had several teachers privately ask me whether last year was my “prep year?”

[Eryn]

Yes I did get the "so *that's* what you were up to!" from a few people. In retrospect, I was really leaking badly in my last year as a male.

This year has been going totally normally. My current batch of students have never seen me as anything other than my true self, so I am treated accordingly.

[kimdl93]

That’s great Eryn! A new, nicer normal!

[Chrissi]

I don’t have that same luxury yet Eryn. Unfortunately I teach 10-12 graders in a combined middle/high school...so I won’t be there until 2024 :-/

[Eryn]

My school just had its open house. I met with a lot of parents. There were no issues at all. I'm at a point where I'm not really conscious of being trans in everyday life. I know that there are flaws in my presentation, particularly in height and voice, but I just own it and everything seems to work out.

[Devi SM]

I think this a very good thread thanks Eryn for open it.
I'm glad that your friends receive the news well.
It was just yesterday that with wife went to a surprise birthday celebration for a very close friend that 2 years ago lost her husband, a very good friend too. So now we're a closer support for her and she has open her heart as never before to us.
So between the celebration, I was thinking on how would it be to out to that group of people. Unfortunately, they all belong to Christian very radical denomination that I left several years ago but the friendship continues.
I'm pretty sure that several of them would close their doors and that's the biggest fear my wife has of I transition to fully live as s woman.
I read in others experiences that get new friends but either way would be sad...