Why worry about acceptance anyways? Who cares?

[Nicole Erin]

Ok first, a credit to my late mom. The smart-assery you are about to read is set in the tone she used to mock people who pissed her off, like when her and I would talk crap about people who annoyed us.

Some people won't date us or be friends or even pretend like we are human. Some people talk about how we are "men" because of chromosomes or private parts.

When it comes to strangers, if they mock or laugh or say hateful stuff, does it really matter? Would they have even noticed us otherwise? Maybe some imagine a scenario where some complete stranger goes up and says, "I was going to be friends with you but I notice you are TG, so therefore I am not going to offer my generous friendship".

If that happened or was even implied, what are we suppose to do? Are we suppose to snivel before this stranger and say -
"Oh great one, please allow me to be part of your exciting, glorious existence. I know my pathetic transgenderness does not meet your standards of being human but I am so desperate for friends!"

Nope, there would just be no association on either party. Pretty much the same as most strangers in the world. Does it matter?

Or how some say "You are not woman because you were born male with a male part or male chromosomes".
Are we to say, "Oh great one, I did not know that! Please bestow upon me more of your wisdom!"

Usually the men who do not accept us are the chauvinist pigs or the older creepy guys who are begging for female attention, trying too hard. Like a few guys I work with who are always trying to flirt with women. I am glad they don't accept me cause i would not want them trying to flirt. Them boys ain't got the sack to do what we do.

With women, it is often the ones who could not even get laid in a men's prison cause they are so gross. Are you gonna sit there and feel inferior cause Medusa doesn't see you as a "real" woman?

Are we in high school? Are we suppose to impress the "cool" crowd? Impress people we don't even like?

I will tell you like this - if you own who you are, ain't nobody gonna say jack dick cause they don't want to look like asses trying to bring down someone who OWNS it! Once you quit worrying about being accepted and start commanding respect, it comes. Just make sure and treat others with such, even when it is some inferior turd who doesn't like you. Show them you cannot be shaken or stirred.

Fergotted - Just maybe, for those who feel so bad about themselves that they have to put us down, if we TRY to be polite to them, we can bring them up to our level and they can feel better about themselves, if only for a little while.

[whowhatwhen]

Actually I'm of feeble heart and deeply care about being validated by strangers.

[Jennifer-GWN]

They key point...



Once you quit worrying about being accepted and start commanding respect, it comes. Just make sure and treat others with such, even when it is some inferior turd who doesn't like you. Show them you cannot be shaken or stirred.
.

I got duded in the grocery over the weekend in the form of "thanks dude" as I picked up something a man dropped. I nicely said to him as I handed the item to him... You might want to reconsider that comment. He turned and walked away. I said my peace and was over it and went about my business as nothing more was necessary or called for.

Cheers... Jennifer

[Eryn]

I found that the level of acceptance went up when I stopped worrying about it. I'm just me and if people want to accept me that is fine.

Now, I'm not obnoxious or abrasive. I treat people well, speak courteously, and acknowledge any small kindness. When a waitress refills my coffee cup I say "Thank you", simply because it is courteous and makes both of us feel good.

I attend performance lessons as Eryn at a private club. I usually make an evening of it which means that I come into contact with valets, doormen, club hosts, bartenders, my teachers, performers and other club members. I've never presented as male here and I've never had any issue. I have a feeling that anyone who spoke ill of me would be rapidly "straightened out" by others who know me. I haven't always felt this comfortable, but it has become the norm.

[Kris Avery]

In MY PARTICULAR experience - this sure does not appear to be true for me interacting with the TS community.

I used to get more rejection than I did from the cis community.

Over time, I have found the best approach is to ONLY look for acceptance from within or your partner.

Since I have quit caring - I haven't noticed if my perceived acceptance has increased or decreased - since I'm no longer looking.

Bitter? Nah. More like just don't care anymore.

[arbon]

Acceptance is easy. As a trans person.
It is the little reminders you get like Jennifer's experience.

do I give a **** about those people or what they think of me? Only so far as they see me as trans or gender me male which tears my self esteem and confidence down a little at a time. That's the trap. You can't ever quite make the grade as a woman and that reality becomes hard to accept. For me it is depressing.

[Michelle789]

@arbon

You're right, it's damn difficult if not near impossible to make the grade as a woman. Passing is a really complicated matter, and could easily be a whole new thread. My own experience is lots of people tend to focus on passing being purely physical - if you look like a cis-gender woman, you'll pass, if you look male or in between, you won't pass. I've heard other people say that behaviors matter more than what you look like - that your behaviors, movements, mannerisms, and internalized feelings towards yourself, determine whether you pass or not regardless of what you look like.

I honestly think, like many things in life, that the truth lies somewhere in between these two extremes. We don't pass because we give off way too many male cues. Male physical features, male mannerisms, walking like a man, voice, and not fully accepting ourselves as women. We get clocked instantaneously through six senses - vision, hearing, touch, taste, smell, and intuition. Ok, we probably won't get clocked by touch or taste unless in a sexual situation, but the other four senses - vision, hearing, smell, and intuition, do get us clocked.

And it's pretty damn hard to overcome decades of testosterone poisoning to our bodies that cause us to be clocked by vision, hearing, and smell. And it's pretty damn hard to let go of decades of male socialization that can cause us to get clocked by intuition, and vision too (such as movements, mannerisms).

Also, with gender cues, there are the obvious gender cues, and the non obvious gender cues. A huge part of why we get read is because of the non obvious gender cues. You can score female on every single obvious gender cue (no noticeable adams apple, no noticeable brow ridge, full cheeks, soft female skin, hands and feet small relative to size of body, good legs, hair, clothes, and lack of facial and body hair). Some of the more subtle differences between males and females are never talked about, and no plastic surgeon can correct those through surgery - this is the stuff that people can't even begin to articulate. This applies to both physical and behavioral cues too. On paper, you might pass, but in practice, you don't. Likely this is because on the obvious stuff, you score female, but on the non obvious things that people can't even begin to articulate, you score male - and instantly clocked.

I do see good evidence towards confidence and attitude as being the biggest component of passing. People and animals do sense fear, and they can also sense gender. Regardless of what we look like, our internal sense of self can lead to passing, acceptance, or not passing nor being accepted at all.

Passing vs. getting accepted

This has also been largely debated in trans circles. But in general, passing means that no one can tell that you're trans. Stealth means that you can pass not just at first glance, but pass over the long term with an individual or group of individuals. Being "accepted as a woman" means they initially gender you as female - because the brain sees a woman, but clock you later on (often within seconds) because something was off. Maybe you spoke and your voice gave you away. Maybe they noticed that adams apple, or large hands. Maybe they picked up on your lack of knowledge of female culture, or obvious or subtle dude behavior. They read you, but still see you as a woman. In general, only the extreme transphobes will not accept you. Most people will at least accept you for a short term interaction, maybe for longer term interactions too.

Not passing and not being accepted - this means you're initially read as male, get sir all the time, and people struggle to see you as a woman. This can happen either because of transphobia, or because the brain sees a male and has a hard time trying to re-gender you as female. Often, it's not the fault of the other person, but their brains are seeing a male.

@Nicole Erin

I think you're right for the most part about the men and women who don't accept us. I think any mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy person, will at least try to accept us, even if they struggle to gender you properly (because the brain sees male in an highly unpassable transwoman). Healthy people tend to be more open-minded and non-judgmental. The people who hate us generally are horrible people in the first place. Male chauvinist pigs aren't just hateful of trans people - they look down on women, homosexuals, and people of other races. They probably look down on men who aren't as manly as they are. They look down on men who are lower class and make less money than they do. They probably mistreat animals. The same thing goes for women who don't accept us. They're probably the cattiest, bitchiest women out there. They're probably the women who have track records of being super mean to other women. They probably are big gossips and liars. They are likely the women who are married to lesser males and mistreat their men in marriage. If you ever watch WifeSwap, you'll know what I'm talking about. The kind of marriages that will make you swear to God that male privilege doesn't exist (even though we all know that male privilege does exist ).

Honestly, if someone doesn't like me because I'm trans, then they were probably never worth getting to know in the first place. They're the kind of people that even if I was cis, they would probably be difficult, unpleasant, mean-spirited people. Case in point - my father. My father has been an incredibly abusive, tyrannical, and difficult man even before I ever came out as trans. When I came out as trans last year, he gave me this hour long tirade on how I'm ruining my life and how he doesn't want me to attend his funeral. Why does it not surprise me that my father doesn't accept me. The truth is, he was always a difficult person to deal with even before coming out to him. My brother and mom, who are both cis, know just how difficult my father is. My father made my mom's life very difficult. My father looks down not only on transgender people and women, but on everybody who is not him. He literally believes that he is superior to all human beings.

Men and women of quality will ultimately accept us. Quality human beings are generally more tolerant and accepting towards the diversity of people. Quality human beings tend to value people regardless of who you are. People who do accept us as we are are probably the ones who are actually worth knowing.

[Nicole Erin]

You can't ever quite make the grade as a woman and that reality becomes hard to accept. For me it is depressing.

Make the grade as what type of woman?
The kind we aspire to be, which have their act together, care what they look like, and are mannerly?
Or the type of woman you see in the dollar store with bags under her eyes, still in her pajamas, not in shape, and buying junk food with food stamps?