It is driving me insane .

[Jennifer Hopkins]

I wish i had one day without feeling that i am envious when i see women and sad that i am not like them. Wanting to dress, behave and act like them this feeling is never out of my mind and its getting stronger not easier as i get older and I don't know how to handle it any more. I need help.

[VanTG]

Well I think you came to the right place, hopefully you can find some assistance.

[Jennifer Hopkins]

Hi Van.
I hope so because i feel so lost and confused. Talking to like-minded others hopefully will get me on the right path.

[arbon]

Therapists are a good place to start. Or jus start letting yourself be.

[Jennifer Hopkins]

Went to one last year for a few sessions but pulled the pin because of (wife and children ) hopping that i can push it to one site for good. Ok for a few months but back with a vengeance. Meet a nice couple who understand and are giving me opportunities to going out dressed fully feminine and boy i love it and feel so down when i have to go back to being my normal male persona. I absolutely hate it. Together we have been out to meet up with other TG girls and i so much relate to them.
I wonder if i would try some HRT would that make me more at ease and put me in a better frame of mind. I have the opportunity to get Estogen and Spiro, i would give so much to silence that ever constant feeling of wanting to be a female .
Nearly every minute of every day its there. When i see other females i am so jealous and just would like to be like them. When i am shopping i am so much drawn to the female section of the shops and just love the fashion and colours.
I have been out shopping with my friends and loved it so much and every time i do it it feels so much more natural but i am still worried at times that i look to masculine when dressed and made up. My two frinds assure me that i look just fine and keep telling me just be confident and you will be ok.
I know in my heart of hearts that i am TG but i can see it will totally destroy my family.
Where do I go from here.

Hugs
Jennifer

[STACY B]

It doesn't Destroy all Families,, I bet that your family would much rather see a Happy You than a Sad you,, Forget about all that clothes crap for a min and think about down deep feeling of being a Happy Person no matter what you are wearing. Anyone can put on a costume and self medicate for a short time,, But you have to dig deep into your soul and realize a Happier person without all the bells and whistles and it all comes in time. But you gotta want it and WORK for it for sure,, It takes ALOT of time and you can't rush it.

You have lots and lots of Undoing to do before you are able to rebuild yourself,, Testosterone does a lot of damage to us and it takes years to undo it so make the first step and start TODAY. Best saying in the World-- ( I can Show you Better than I can tell You !!!!)

[Jennifer Hopkins]

Hi Stacy
You are right.
It's not only the clothing and the makeup, its the deep dow feeling of wanting to be female and happy. Wanting to be seen and treated as on.
As far as family goes, i have 3 very mucho boys who i kno would NOT understand and my wife is from a very conservative English background strictly vanilla.
That is the situation . We also emigrated to Australia 25 years ago from the UK and have no other family here so this is all there is.
Its easy to say that they would be happier to see me happy but with closed minds how will that happen?
If i was an uncaring person destroying it all wouldn't bother me but i do care for them and lovr them very much.
Its a catch 27.
Hugs
Jennifer

[STACY B]

See there you go thinking for someone else,, How do you know how anyone would react? You gotta have faith,, Macho Kids,,lol,,, All that know me know where I live and the Bubba's that live here,, No way they could be worse than here,, Excuses Excuses,,, You don't jump out dressed like a Hooker and say here I am !!

It's a VERY LONG PROCESS,,, An you have YEARS to deal with all that nonsense that you think is important now,, That's just it all of the things that you know nothing of isn't the real truth of this dysphoria,, It is tricky to say the least,, The clothes cloud your vision and won't let you see the real picture,, That I know!!

[arbon]

"wanting to be real"
some of us paid a lot to be the women we are. Financially, physically, socially, family....It was not that we were uncaring, as you put it, but at some point it became more important for us to have that realness you state that you want. Does anything come for free? Reality of transition can be brutal, and you may not end up being happy for it.

[kiwidownunder]

Hi Jennifer
I completely understand what you are going through
It all started to unravel may 2013 for me it was either talk to my wife or end my life which was very close twice!
She had no idea and was in shock for months
I was patience waited to when she wanted to talk etc
2 and half years on I'm transitioning with her support
I think you maybe at that point were you have no choice like me
You'll be surprised what a loving relationship can deal with

My thoughts are with you

Kiwi

[Jennifer Hopkins]

Hi Kiwi.
Many thanks for your kind words. .
I have tried to talk about it with her but she is very anti of the whole subject. How far in are you with your transition?

- - - Updated - - -

I'm not thinking for someone els as you say but after being married to my wife for 39 years and having grownup children of the ages 37, 35 and 21 i do know how they accept things and how they are.
I know its not an easy path to take belive me i have read and read about people doing it and i also have meet girls who have transitioned . I also know i can not have it all but its a tremendous step to take especially at my age of 58 and having no other backup.
That is why i am saying i am on my last tether and it's driving me insane. I wish i was the so called normal which is acceptable to our society but i know i am different.

[Bria]

Jennifer, I'm sorry that you feel that you are in such a bad situation. Hopefully time will be on your side, I'll remember you and your family in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[FurPus63]

Hi Jennifer,

I feel for women who are going through what you state in this post. I think it's so right what someone said about "being yourself." If you feel you are a woman, then you are. Now comes the hard part of trying to figure out what to do with this insight. If like you said, it's not just about wearing clothes or make-up; it's truly who you are as a person. Than living your life going forward as your true self is what's necessary. You might sit here on this fence for several years to come; but sooner or later you must make that choice. It will drive you insane. That's what GD is all about. Its goal is to do just that. It's a physiological and psychological condition that doesn't care about your feelings, your family, your wife or your kids. It does what it does and it will drive you completely insane. That's why the suicide rate is so high in our population. That's why, IMO, it has to be done. Whether its now or 20 years from now, it's necessary and I highly recommend it to everyone who is in your shoes or anyone who identifies as TS.

So where do you go from here? How do you take the next step and what should those steps be? Well... you mentioned seeing a counselor in the past. I would recommend seeking a counselor who specializes in gender therapy and start with that. He/She will help you to sort out all these things that are plaguing your mind. Also; you have us here as an online support group, but if you can find one to attend in-person, I'd highly recommend that as well.

At some point you will have face your fears and face the realities of your life circumstances. You'll have to tell your wife and kids. As awful as that sounds now, it may not be as bad as you are imagining and even if it is (if could be worse than your worst nightmares too) life will go on.

I was in a situation similar to yours almost exactly four years ago. Trying to figure out how to tell my wife, family, etc.... Then one day she found my female clothes and accessories that I was hiding and all hell broke lose. To make a long story as short as possible, we had to seperate. She "outed" me to my siblings and everyone in my family and I had to face that. I lost my wife, my family, my home, etc.... later...I lost my job (not because of my transition but because of my own stupidity and got what I deserved) and had to face certain poverty. My life was a total and complete mess. However; in time, I started to gain it back.

I found a church where I was accepted. Sang in an all female church choir. Reconciled with my now ex-wife and moved back in with her. She now accepts me as her BFF and we have a wonderful relationship better than we ever had as spouses. I eventually found not one, but three part-time jobs and started to earn some income and gain back some of what I lost. Even my family (siblings, in-laws, nephews and nieces) have started to come around. I'm planning on spending Christmas with them for the second year in a row. It's still isn't what I want it to be. I still have a very poor relationship with them, they more or less "tolerate" me versus acceptance; but it's better than it was four years ago.

So yes. You could lose everything you have. That's very scary. But you could gain it back again (in-time) and that would make it all worth it. Wouldn't it? Even if you didn't gain back everything you lose as a result of this process (transitioning) you would be able to live your life as your true authentic self. The GD symptoms greatly decrease as a result (for me I still have some struggles because I still haven't had GRS yet) and you would get to be the woman that you are!

That my friend makes all the suffering worth it. That's what it's really all about.

Think about it. Love and prayers being sent your way.

Paulette

[kiwidownunder]

Hi Jennifer

I am a semi retired 51 year old, married 32 years with 2 grown up children (married at 19 like yourself)
Before I told my wife I prepared for the worst , losing everything including my family wasn't nice to think about .
It became life or death for me Bloody GD!

A lot of conversations over months and months at her pace made a big difference
We decided to see a therapist this year that dealt with gender identity issues
I think what also helped was we become very close after my disclosure and are deeply in love

I had a therapy session on my own awhile back and discussing what was said with my wife (starting hormones) really upset her.
It was the realization that this was very real!
We both worked though this together with our therapist and that was the turning point for my wife in a good way.

I have started laser hair removal face/back shave everything else
I dress as who I really am at home full time and wear women jeans unisex tops etc when out
With the help of our therapist we are in the process of talking to both our daughters 30 and 32 yrs old
We have agreed on a transition plan including Hormones next year

Interesting comment from my wife the other day "I understand now that this is life or death for you and I don't wont to lose you either way"

I think the first thing people need to try and understand is this is not a behavioural thing its who we are
As hard as it will be you need to fully disclose how your feeling letting her know this is not a choice its life or death!
Be patience love her and understand her feelings (this is not a race its a marathon)
And picking the time is very important not when she is stressed!

PM me More then happy to talk

Kiwi

[Jennifer Hopkins]

Thank you Kiwi.
I will keep it in mind.
I will make an appointment with the same councilor i used last time as he is the head of GD unit in SA. I have to inorxer to make peace with my self

- - - Updated - - -

Many thanks for your mind words Paulette and remembering me in your prayers.
I am going back to see my counselor and see what can be done. One of my concerns is my age, 58 will it be to late will i be somewhat passable as a female or will i be ending up as a laughingstock. Hopefully the councilor will make sense of whats going on in my thick head. It so nice to be able to communicate with like-minded people who understand.
Again thank you.

- - - Updated - - -

Thank you Bria. That will be greatly appreciated.
It's so nice to be able to communicate with other girls wbo understand and don't judge.