Tempted, but true

[Della]

Leonal posted a thread asking if we had been with a guy. This last weekend was one of my few days a year to shop, dress and enjoy myself a little. I bought Christmas gifts for my children, bought heels from Payless. a "so-obsessed bra" and panties from VS, tights, and a tennis skort and top for myself, and went to relax, dress and have a few drinks in private. My second night, after touching base with home, I searched for a connection--having let my inhibitions down with a few beers. I made contact with a man who was honest of what he was looking for, asked me if I passed and asked another question. I had already went too far, as far as I was concerned, but was still curious. Somehow I lost the email connection, not intentionally, but through inadvertence. It was late, I let it go.

I am still tempted, but true to my wife. The lost connection was good because I, like many, may have done something I would not have otherwise done but for the buzz. I breached enough trust when the crossdressing came out. I don't want to breach anymore. FYI--we are now DADT, but I know she realizes I shop and dress when away, because she hasn't commented about shaved legs or underarms any time lately. So, lesson is dress, enjoy, no beer--no temptation or loss of inhibition.

[Tracii G]

Tip:
Don't cheat on your wife thats just wrong.

[Della]

That is my moral compass. I would never cheat with another woman, although tempted. I may be tempted the other way, but believe my vow of fidelity and compass will lead me home. Dressing without telling first was cheating. I cannot take it farther.

[PaulaQ]

Have you considered exploring the possibility that you may be bisexual? I don't mean explore as in "go have sex with a guy", I mean exploration of your feelings about your sexuality. There's nothing wrong with being bi, you just have to have the capacity for attraction to more than one gender. You don't actually have to have sex with both a man and a woman to be bi.

I think it would help you to understand these feelings and to be able to be honest with yourself about their extent - mainly because you may run into this situation again. And even if it isn't a sexual dalliance that happens - you may find yourself emotionally involved with another guy. That was certainly my experience before my transition. I was married to a woman, had crushes on men, but never had sex with them. Thing is, I might've if one of them had been similarly interested in me. I wouldn't have thought it was ok, but I think the feeling couldv'e overwhelmed me.

Now that I'm honest about it, I can tell myself, "be careful Paula, I'm really attracted to this person - quit flirting!"

I'm not trying to say anything bad about you, just making a suggestion that finally helped me.

If you are bisexual, your next problem is whether or not to tell your spouse, even if you never, ever intend to act on it.

[tanya_cd]

Dressing without telling first was cheating. I cannot take it farther.

I have to politely disagree. I think many SO's might look at it that way, but simply dressing is not cheating. You shouldn't feel, or be made to feel guilty about it.

However, cheating is cheating. With a man or woman. There is nothing wrong with being bi and having fantasies, just as long as you don't act on them.

[gokatiegirl]

There is nothing wrong with being bi and having fantasies, just as long as you don't act on them.
That's looking at that cheese cake in the fridge when you're on a diet. Been there done that and slept with many guys.

I really only have the desire to sleep with other cds now. I can take or leave a guy, a woman is fun until the moment but there is always a second time around with a like minded person. I equate that to time spent before hand dressing together and playing show a tell.

Call me sick, I don't care, it's how I roll. And there are many here that do the same but don't tell about it.

And yes, it is cheating. I am single and think twice about doing it with a married cd.

[CarlaWestin]

Della, I know from personal experience that decisions made while wearing beer goggles are often regrettable. Was the shopping and dressing experience not enough?
You certainly don't need to be in a situation where your wife is asking you point blank, "So, you dress up as a woman and then what? Did you go looking for sex?"

[Krisi]

Cheating with a man is no different than cheating with a woman, it's still cheating. It doesn't matter if you're wearing breast forms, it's still cheating.

Most women would consider their husband cheating with a man to be worse than him cheating with a woman. No woman wants to admit that her husband is gay. The crossdressing is bad enough.

[JanePeterson]

Is there a way to explore that side of you without being unfaithful? I am faced with a similar curiosity/situation and don't have any real solutions other than avoiding temptation as you mentioned

[pamela7]

This thread hints at things i've mentioned here before, about how i see ancient society managed their populations better. Sure, people married, but often the men had relations with other men (Athens for example), and no doubt the women did too (Lesbos) - there are plenty of stone dildos discovered by archaeologists from those times, for example.

Without our present religious and social fixation upon mono-isms like mono-gamy, no doubt at all, bi would be the norm imo. We do however, have to live by our promises and agreements, and that means keeping to one's vows.

To answer how to explore this without being unfaithful - have an agreement with your wife that allows you to explore. I have permission, but I've never exercised it - perhaps that is the point?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

In answer to Jane Peterson, isn't that why they invented pornography? If Della likes looking at pics of guys, in whatever form, it's an indication that he/she has bi tendencies.

FWIW I'm a happily married (to a woman) guy, but my porn interests reflect my sexuality: about 75-80% hetero. If it were at 50-60% I'd say it would be pretty hard for me to resist looking for a guy to experiment with!

Della, if you are unable to resist experimenting, I cannot recommend highly enough that you do not tell. The knowledge will only cause pain and destruction. If you find yourself increasingly drawn to men you should seriously consider divorce. Ultimately it is less cruel than having affairs and being found out.

[Amy Lynn3]

FWIW: Jane, not knowing you or your relationship with your wife, this idea ran through my head reading your post. Maybe and only maybe your wife could act as the aggressor in bed and the use of a strap on is not out of the question. That way you could have the feeling of being with a man and still be true to your wife. Only communication with her will tell the story. I know this happens in lots of relationships.

[jenniferinsf]

shedding your male clothes for en femme wear should not alter your basic ethos and ethics..you are married.....you have a monogamous relationship and until and unless you have a straight talk and agree on something other than that enjoy dressing only

[Stephanie47]

Most women would consider their husband cheating with a man to be worse than him cheating with a woman. No woman wants to admit that her husband is gay. The crossdressing is bad enough.

Having any sort of sex (Hey, Bill Clinton) with a person other than one's spouse is cheating plain and simple. I don't know if a woman would consider cheating with a man is worse than cheating with a woman. The woman can at least believe her husband was living a life where she was a "beard," a cover to conceal his gayness. On this subject years ago my wife said if a husband is cheating on his wife with a man and he is gay, how can she compete? At least with another woman she has a chance of compete.

I think any cross dresser going to a venue where pick ups occur, one has to be aware there are men there specifically looking for a hookup with a cross dressing man. It is widely known alcohol will cloud a person's behavior.

[PaulaQ]

Most women would consider their husband cheating with a man to be worse than him cheating with a woman. No woman wants to admit that her husband is gay. The crossdressing is bad enough.

They wouldn't be gay - they'd be bisexual. Pay attention dear! *taps ruler on palm*



Is there a way to explore that side of you without being unfaithful? I am faced with a similar curiosity/situation and don't have any real solutions other than avoiding temptation as you mentioned

Sure, there are a number of ways:
1. Think about your feelings towards men over your lifetime. Be really honest, this is harder than you think.
2. Explore those feelings with pornography / fantasy - but think about them, don't just immediately go to feelings of shame
3. A therapist who know LGBT issues can help
4. Talk to your spouse about potentially opening up your marriage to allow you to experiment with this. You will probably need to allow her to be with others potentially too. Some women would be OK with this, others will react very badly. If she agrees, you'll have to be concerned with safer sex, and keeping her informed about what's going on. (I realize it's improbable you'll do this, just being thorough.)

BTW, if she is informed, and consents to it, you aren't cheating if you are with someone else, provided THEY also understand your situation i.e. you're married, etc.

[Laura28]

Cheating with a man is no different than cheating with a woman, it's still cheating. It doesn't matter if you're wearing breast forms, it's still cheating.

Most women would consider their husband cheating with a man to be worse than him cheating with a woman. No woman wants to admit that her husband is gay. The crossdressing is bad enough.

I have never cheated but have to admit i have wondered what it would be like to be with a man. My wife must be the exceptation she has said that she would be more comfortable if i waswith a man then a woman, she knows i like woman parts to much to ever develop a relantionship with a man and she is right i dont find men attractive and have no desire to be with a man other then when i am dressed.

[Krisi]

Man having sex with another man = gay.

[Della]

I'm glad I started a gay/bi/cheating/whatever dialogue. As I stated, I was tempted, but did not act. Am I gay, if we gave it that narrowest definition? No-I do not see a guy and think sexual thoughts. Am I "bi? Maybe curious, but is that "bi?" It makes me curious. But am I tempted? Yes. Although I doubt I will ever act.

[PaulaQ]

Man having sex with another man = gay.

Or bi. Some of us go both ways. It's a different thing than being gay. Way different.

[ReineD]

Dressing without telling first was cheating.

Just think about that for a minute. What is cheating, exactly. Cheating occurs when there is sexual energy taken away from the primary relationship without the SO's knowledge. It is having a sexual preference (and acting out on it) that is other than one's SO: an affair with another person, or through cyber sex if the online interactions result in orgasm. Or even through excessive porn use or solo sex, if a person makes the effort to seek out opportunities because they are more gratifying than having sex with the SO.

But just dressing in a hotel room is not cheating, not unless it is sexual for you and it takes the place of your SO (meaning, if you had the choice you'd seek being alone in a hotel room for solo sex over being with your SO).

As to having fantasies about men, they're just sexual fantasies. There's no way of knowing whether you'd be into it or not in real life ... the reality of being two male-bodied individuals in bed might well turn you off if it came down to it. I'm not suggesting you should go out and try it to see if you are bi or not, but I wouldn't embrace any bi labels just over having fantasies that make you feel more femme. Besides, if you only have these fantasies when you are dressed or wanting to dress, it's not the man you are attracted to as much as the idea of being a sexy woman in every sense of the word. That's its very own type of fantasy that has nothing to do with any real attraction to males.


Is there a way to explore that side of you without being unfaithful? I am faced with a similar curiosity/situation and don't have any real solutions other than avoiding temptation as you mentioned

No. But, if you are often tempted, then the honest thing is to tell your wife so the two of you can sort out what to do about it. I know that I would want to know if my SO secretly wanted to have sex with anyone else, no matter their gender. Also, I think that I would sense there was something wrong without being able to put my finger on it. I would sense a disconnect somehow and it would be difficult to be in a relationship like that. It's sad, when a wife wants her husband, and he wants someone or something else.

[JosieH]

Man having sex with another man is not necessarily gay. Could be Bi.
Anyway, what's in a label?
Aren't we trying to get away from labels that narrowly define us and others?
I've been with guys who identify as straight.
Whatever.
So long as we are enjoying one another and not hurting one another, who cares?
When I'm dressed, I refer to myself as a gurl, or one of many other terms.
In terms of cheating, it's only cheating if you've pledged fidelity and monogamy and you are "stepping out" without being honest and up front about it.
But, I don't need to tell anyone that.

- - - Updated - - -

Could be the idea of sex with another man is just a fantasy, in which case, I don't think you need to confess anything.
As adults, there are parts of our lives which belong only to us.

[Della]

I don't log on often. But of all the responses, your response seems to hit home. I am not often tempted, but temptation arises. Or curiosity. It's there. I cannot help it. But I can quell it, although it exists, or so I hope. Wife and children come first, family comes first. If do something to put them second, I may be putting me third.

The disconnect is not good, but is better than a total loss with no possibility of any reconnection. Thank you for your input.

[docrobbysherry]

Della, "temptations"? Oh come on! We r all tempted many times every day.

Have an extra doughnut at coffee break.
Check your FB Page at work.
Buy yet another bra and pantie set.
Ogle male or female, or both, porn in private.


But, what does that all mean? Absolutely nothing. It's the secumbing to temptations that get us into trouble!:doh:

So, enjoy your fantasies about men, women, whatever, guilt free. Everyone has them! The guilt should come from doing something u know is harmful and wrong!:Angry3:

[raeleen]

I think Paula really hits the nail on the head. Have a conversation with your wife before anything happens! She may be more open than you think. OR she may not, but acting without telling her is definitely going to be a breach of trust. And once that trust is gone, it may not ever come back.

My wife and I have been talking about non-monogamy in general, and how our society really has created this box wherein a one to one relationship is the 'right' kind of relationship. However, we develop close emotional connections with others all the time, and just because we place the physical on some kind of higher pedestal, we consider that cheating, but not emotional intimacy with someone other than our spouse. I think those close emotional bonds can cause even more problems than the physical sometimes, as you begin hiding and not talking to your partner, who in a perfect world, would be that closest confidante. Of course it doesn't always work out that way, but why isn't that considered cheating (I know some folks do think of it that way, but many do not)

But if both partners are ok with it, why shouldn't you be allowed to express love and intimacy with other people outside of your relationship. Just a thought. My wife and I haven't landed anywhere specific yet, but we've decided that a more open marriage might be healthier for everyone. Even so, we've also pledged to be very communicative about it. Nothing has happened, but we have agreements to let each other know if anything does. always.

And I would agree, man-man does not necessarily equal gay. bi is definitely another option there.

[Sissy_Michelle]

Is there a way to explore that side of you without being unfaithful? I am faced with a similar curiosity/situation and don't have any real solutions other than avoiding temptation as you mentioned

JanePeterson,

I kind of feel the same way. My wife and I have spoken about this topic several times. Though she says that she would be okay with it, and even teases me about it from time to time. At least she supports me and knows I would never attempt something (I hope) without her with me...

@--}----
Michelle

[Catriona]

You have a wife. What did you promise her? Not always easy to keep the promise, but if you break it, goodbye trust.

[heatherdress]

This is a good thread and I appreciate the responses. It would really be interesting if we could have the spouse perspective on cheating, temptation, trust and honesty. Most would probably match but probably not all.

[TaraGrace]

Interesting read. I'll be able to throw in a perspective of someone in a very open relationship for you:

Cheating is cheating when it damages trust.. the act itself is even less important.
If you started your relationship/mariage on certain values, promises and mutual expectations.. and then break them one-sidedly, that's cheating.

So for person (a) that can be watching a porno secretly, for person (b) flirting, for person (c) dating, for person (d) anything goes, as long as you don't kiss have all the sex you want, for person (e) and so on..

I probably have a far wider acceptance of what my girl does then most, but even then there's still a set of rules that apply.. agreed upon, and occasionally reviewed by us both.

Couldn't care less that most people see me as a cheater.. as long as my partner does not, that is what counts for me.
If I think there is a risk of her feeling anywhere even close to that I will open up a talk.

[CourtneyJamieson]

This topic has been discussed on previous threads and, as I have said before, when dressed in Fem mode I, too, have sometimes "fantasized" about being with a male and having relations. Does this make me deceitful, unfaithful, gay, bi ? I don't think any of the above. Sexual fantasies are healthy and provide for a better sex life with your partner. Everyone fantasizes about everything. Have you not fantasized about sex with Elizabeth Hurley while having relations with your SO? And I guarantee your SO has fantasized about sex with Brad Pitt while having relations with you. And my SO has admitted to me that she has fantasized about having sex with a female though she has no desire or intention of actually carrying out this fantasy. So I think there is nothing wrong with fantasizing about sex with a male while dressed in Fem. Fantasy and reality are two different worlds. In my case I know I am not attracted to men in my male mode so I know if I ever tried to live my fantasy it would probably be revolting, thus I have no desire to actually fulfill my fantasy. Fantasies are not betrayals or deceits. Acting on those fantasies, if it hurts a loved one, is a betrayal. But, if Elizabeth Hurley ever calls I will have a tough time hanging up the phone.

[Jenny22]

Very interesting thread. I'm Bi-curious but have only become so in the past couple of years. At my age, I started to feel that the world has passed me by in many ways, and sex as a girl (OK, an old lady) is one. I've a great many fantasies about being the woman in a sex relationship with a man and satisfying him as only a woman could do. My wife knows and has give me an OK, but letting her know first, should the opportunity present itself. Where Can I turn to? Your suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I have to be careful, just as you would be in the same situation, I'm sure. Thanks, ladies.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Even if one removes the ethical questions involved with adultery... if only for your own sake, it would be a bad idea. Hooking up with a total stranger you met on the internet while under the influence is a recipe for disaster, on so many levels. Not to mention, if you do cheat with a man and it is discovered, you wife could probably skin you alive in divorce court. Best keep such a thing as a fantasy only.

[Dana L]

Hooking up with a total stranger is always a bad idea. You can never be sure of their intentions not to mention the various diseases out there. Plus weather it's a man or woman it's cheating. I have had fantasies about being with a man but never let it go beyond a little dancing, touching and a kiss at a Halloween party. My wife was with me at the time and we discussed it later. I explained that I'm not really attracted to men but the thought of being able to sexually please a man would make my feminine side feel great. She understood and told me if the opportunity arises she would be ok with it as long as he uses protection and I only have the female role in it. I was totally shocked by this, so I haven't sought out any encounters and don't know if I will, but it's nice to know that I can. I guess it's not cheating if it's agreed upon between each other. As far as the homosexual factor, if you feel as if you are a woman on the inside and are physically presenting as a woman then wouldn't sex with a man would be heterosexual.