To come out or not

[Saikotsu]

So I have a friend that I work with. He's a pretty cool guy, relatively moderate on most things (politics, religion, etc.) I've been wanting to tell him that I'm genderfluid. To come out of the closet so to speak.

He recently told me he's occasionally worn his wife's clothes and that he's cool with telling me because he knows I wouldn't be bothered by it, (I confessed I've done it too). We've talked about transgender individuals before (we were watching tv at his place and a commercial for one of those reality tv shows came on) and he seems pretty cool with them.

And yet, my instinct says not to tell him. I've had really good luck so far. No one has rejected me. Most people kinda already knew (still trying to figure out how). Maybe it's because he's a friend AND co-worker, but I just can't bring myself to do it. What are your thoughts?

[Stephanie47]

I guess the age old question is going to be "Why do you feel it is necessary to tell him?" What's the purpose? What's to gain? Did you think about what may go wrong in the work place if he makes an intentional or unintentional disclosure? Just because he says he has on occasion worn his wife's clothing does not mean it is on the same level as a crossdresser. Perhaps he has done it as a lark with his wife. Or on Halloween.

[JanePeterson]

maybe its just my own paranoia, but i would be VERY careful introducing your "other" side in the workplace... its one thing to botch a relationship with someone you choose to see from time to time, quite another to have to either live with an unexpectedly changed work environment and/or find a new job.. :/

[kittie60]

The need to tell people is a heavy burden at times. Especially if you like someone you want to be open and up front with them. This can lead to disaster, or can open up many new doors. You said you were at his place and seen one of those reality TV shows. Just ask him sometime what he thinks about crossdressers and go from there.
If you get an answer that your not comfortable with then font tell him. If the answer is good then thats a different story. Whether you tell him or not is up to you,but be cautious. Telling him and wanting to see you are two different things altogether. Remember as you said he's a coworker and that there is the disaster part. Good luck to you. Hope you find this useful and take care

[tanya_cd]

I wouldn't tell anyone anything you don't want everyone else at work, or anywhere else for that matter, to know about. If your instinct is telling you not to tell him, than maybe go with that.

I guess the question is like what Stephanie posted, Whats the purpose? Whats to gain? Why do you feel the need to tell this person and yet also worried about doing so?

[Lexi_83]

maybe its just my own paranoia, but i would be VERY careful introducing your "other" side in the workplace... its one thing to botch a relationship with someone you choose to see from time to time, quite another to have to either live with an unexpectedly changed work environment and/or find a new job.. :/I had to move on from a workplace after my close friends told not-so-close friends, who told not-friends.

When in doubt, go slow.

[pamela7]

it's going to depend on whether you trust your instincts or if your instincts are trustworthy here. I'd follow my instinct every time.

[Saikotsu]

Generally I want to tell people so that it's out there. I dislike feeling like I'm not being open with those close to me, ya know? Honestly, even if he knew, I wouldn't suddenly start showing that side of myself around him.

The advantage of him knowing would be that I wouldn't have to hide it around him. It would be a choice rather than a requirement. Like if he was hanging out at my place, I wouldn't be forced to wear socks to cover my nails. I'd probably still do it, but it would be my choice to do so.

I'm not so worried about work either. We have openly gay individuals on our team and nobody bats an eye. Heck, they've brought their husbands and wives to company functions and everybody was welcoming and respectful.

That said, I'd rather my co-workers not know. Its one of the reasons I didn't tell him outright the other day, for fear of someone overhearing me. Plus, we're in a rather big organisation. Our team is rather progressive, but who knows how far that extends. My boss would be fine, but what about his boss? Or his? Plus, I'm fairly certain gender identity is not covered in our anti discrimination clause...

[Jenniferathome]

You've told him you cross dress. Does it matter that you are gender fluid?

[audreyinalbany]

seems to me that if your instinct tells you not to tell him, then don't

[Saikotsu]

Also, my instinct told me not to tell everyone else too. So far its turned out okay

- - - Updated - - -


You've told him you cross dress. Does it matter that you are gender fluid?

Well he isn't a crossdresser. He has cross dressed, but doesn't now. I told him I have too. But really, the why of it is more important than the what I'm my opinion.

[Tina_gm]

I wouldn't stress it. Honestly though, you are both CDers, have both admitted it to each other, and both still afraid of opening up to each other. Transgender is a tough road to deal with isn't it?? I would just stickwith being good friends, you know he will not reject you, so just don't stress things. Eventually you will both be not so afraid of each other.

[MissDanielle]

I've opened up to many of my closest friends about my being trans. My extended family doesn't know yet. One jerk aside, the acceptance and support has been so amazing. That jerk said I was mentally ill and then I nearly had a complete emotional breakdown on Sunday night into Monday. So many friends reached out to ask what's going on after my FB rant. My religious beliefs make my being trans all the more harder but it's not like I have a choice in the matter. If I transition MTF, I'll be so happy. If I don't, I'll have all that anger built up. I've handled it so well since 7th grade in 1997 even though I didn't know what it was at the time. But it really took 18 years for me to finally accept who I am and embrace it. Just wish my parents would realize that this is who I am and I have no choice but to transition. These thoughts, dreams, and urges don't go away.

I'm not out at work but once I move and start transitioning, I'll have to start finding trans friendly jobs.

[Nadine Spirit]

I have yet to tell everyone, but I have told many. In both friends and work arenas. It has always gone well. I told them, because it is important to me to proove to myself that I do not need to be afraid to be honest. And after discolsing who I am to many people over many years, all I have ever gotten back was closer relationships. Which is great!

It seems to me that it is important to you, so I would say go for it.

[Eryn]

...And yet, my instinct says not to tell him....

Knowing this, if you tell him and things go badly you will be kicking yourself for not following your instincts.

My advice is to only tell when you know that the outcome will be good both for you and the person you are telling.

[Vickie_CDTV]

When it comes to the workplace, the conventional wisdom is to keep it on a need-to-know basis (I'd argue this also applies to many other aspects one's personal life as well.) If you are not transitioning, then there is really no reason for anyone to know; unless you are in a job that caters to trans clientele or something (as I am), disclosure isn't going to help anything and it can only hurt you.

[Charlyne]

I believe he came out to you when he said he's occasionally worn his wife's clothes. Non CDs don't do that. I would ask him more about him. I would expect that your friendship will flow easily.

[heatherdress]

It is always best to keep personal beliefs, behaviors and problems out of work - period. Trust your instincts.

[Dana44]

I would not directly tell him as as he is a co-worker. But if he brings it up again, then you might discuss his issues and see how far that goes and if he says he is a crossdresser then it might be okay for you to tell him. Otherwise I would not divulge any information.

[erickka]

IMO, I'd go with the old saying..."the gut never lies" Seems like it may apply in this situation.

[Krisi]

Does he need to know? What good will come of him knowing? What happens when he tells other co-workers or the boss?

My advice is to tell others only what they need to know. You haven't presented any good reason why he needs to know about your crossdressing or anything else. Don't tell him. Talk about football or golf, not crossdressing.

[Jonni Lin]

It is a matter of how you feel about yourself vs if you care what others think. At 50 and living alone I don't give a $hit what people think but I am taking it slow to come out. Wore a kilt during the summer and now polish on my nails so my work knows I am little off, thinking eye liner next year. I would still be careful, guys drink, drunk talk can be dangerous.

[Usulsjourney]

With this and any other issues, when in doubt follow your instincts. You can always tell him later but you can never un-tell him.

[I Am Paula]

Remember that whatever you tell can never be unsaid.
Humans really want to believe (right or wrong) in the binary. Genderfluidity is a tough one to swallow. To the outsider it sounds like a hobby, or a fetish. Coming out as 100% full time, woman is a lot easier to explain.
You have to follow your heart, but I don't see the benefit here. Good luck.

[Teresa]

Saikotsu,
Yes there are two sides to this, one is why do you need to tell and the other is why not ?

I'm now very much in the why not camp, OK I have less to lose but the feeling is what ever is inside me I don't feel ashamed of it ! I now feel it's better to look people in the eye and be open about rather than let them go off and tell half truths about you . Besides as you've found you're not the only one, the only feeling I get is you appear to hesitant because of concerns over his sexuality issue !

[Beverley Sims]

Let the friendship endure a little more and if the situation is right you could possibly confide in him.

[Saikotsu]

A few people have asked why he needs to know. Honestly, nobody "needs" to know. The underlying question is, "why do I want to tell him?"
The answer is relatively simple: I prefer to be open and honest with my friends and family. I'd rather people know the truth about me and like me for who I am rather than who they think I am. That said, I haven't come out to everyone, and there are individuals I will probably never tell.

Regarding his sexuality, that's hardly a concern. I have a girlfriend, he has a wife with a daughter on the way. I brought up the fact we have openly gay team members to point out the general climate of my workplace. As far as I've seen, no one harasses or bothers them. He certainly doesn't seem to mind them.

As always, I appreciate everyone's feedback, even if I don't reply to every post.

[StephanieJ]

My rule of thumb is that someone has to EARN the right to hear my story. If you feel he has done that, through devoted friendship and sincere understanding, then perhaps the time has come. If not, then it's your right to keep your beautiful story to yourself.

I also think it's smart to ask yourself why you feel the need to share. Are you looking for someone to dress with or are you looking for sympathy or understanding. Either way, just make sure you are being honest with yourself about what your needs are and that you are going to the right place to get them fulfilled.

[PaulaQ]

The paranoia some display in this thread makes me really sad. ("Ermygosh, man card in jeopardy! Run away! Run away!") Why does he need to know? Gee ... Let me think. How about this - so that you can share this side of yourselves with another human being? Or maybe - so that you can, at least maybe, talk to another person who gets it? Possibly this - so you can have a real friend, you know, one you share stuff with, rather than the pretend BS that you have with everybody else?

I think you should tell him. He all but came out to you. I understand your desire to have an open and real friendship with this guy. I think that's valid and important. And the thing is, if he's also a CD, you will have someone to share this part of your life with. I would come out to this guy, were it me. (I'm talking before my transition, when I was terrified at the idea of dealing with my gender issues.) I really wish I'd HAD a friend like yours back then! None of my friends before my transition knew me at all, really.

edit: Remember though, folks, it's one thing for a transsexual like me to come out to people, and risk my employment, but a TOTALLY unrelated issue that a CD might risk their employment by coming out to someone. Yup. No common ground here...

[sometimes_miss]

I had to move on from a workplace after my close friends told not-so-close friends, who told not-friends.

When in doubt, go slow.

^this. If, on the other hand, you REALLY want to be out and can handle all the ramifications of that, they go ahead. Remember also, that you're not SHARING a secret; you're burdening the other person with making them keep it, transferring that responsibility from yourself to the other person. Most people like to discuss things with others, and when you tell something like this to someone there's not really anyone they will feel comfortable telling unless they already have a crossdressing friend, they crossdress themselves, or they DON'T like it and want support from others that you're a weirdo.

Second, it sounds as if you're already out to him and vice versa. Very, very few men wear ANY of their wife's clothing. It's not a common thing to do, other than those of us in this community.

[HelenR2]

Careful, careful. You say your 'instinct says not to tell'. Instincts are very often wrong but..... ignore them at your peril! This is not something you absolutely need to do right away so why not leave it for a while, and think it through a little more thoroughly.