She said That's the last st(BRA)w

[Glenda58]

A few weeks ago my wife had found some of my stash and said she won't bug anymore about CD.:) and she hasn't till yesterday.

On Sunday she went to a friends house and I knew she would be gone all day. So I got dressed the whole 9 yards makeup nails my best outfit. Because the night before we went to a show and all the women were dressed and I wanted to be like them. So after 6 hrs of dressing I changed back and put everything back but 1 bra. I wanted to wear it again soon. So I put it with the stuff my wife had found thinking it would be ok. WRONG>:eek:

While I was out yesterday she went and looked at my stash and saw the bra thinking I had just brought it Sunday. She said she had it. That I needed to get rid of everything. She told me where all my things were. I told her I wanted her to be happy so I got the things together in a bag. But she won't let me take it to Good Will. She had me leave it on the floor. She said all the bras panties where from VS and I spend more money now them then I did for my own cloths plus she doesn't have as nice as underwear as I do.The next morning she was calm but she wanted it gone.

IN all 5 skirts 6 tops 2 pair of heels 5 bras and 25 VS panties and 4 new camis plus a pair of capris and 1 skinny white jeans size2.

She happier now but wants to go to counseling together. Looking for one now.

[JanePeterson]

so sorry to hear that! maybe counselling will help? seems a shame to "get rid" of so much nice stuff...

[Tracii G]

I hope it all works out.

[Candice June Lee]

Bummer, I hope it works out. Such a shame to have to purge

[kittie60]

Purging is never a good thing. Hopefully, with counseling it will all work out for the best
I hope it does for both of you.

[dsmth]

To me it was unclear whether or not you actually thew out or LET HER throw out YOUR stuff. I really hope, for your sake, that you did not actually throw out your stuff OR let HER throw out your stuff. I am really upset for you if you let that happen. She is ignorant and superficial and cruel and uncaring and inconsiderate if that has occurred. You MUST show more force especially since she was aware of its existence. She knew it was there. It was up to you to justify that you have a right to wear on YOUR OWN BODY what you feel to be comfortable. WE ALL SHOULD HAVE A RIGHT TO BE COMFORTABLE IN OUR OWN BODIES!!!! When my wife found my stuff I REFUSED TO GET RID OF ANYTHING! By showing force and strength proves the ultimate CORRECTNESS here. To throw it out means that you think you are in the wrong. It is only wrong by outsider's relative ignorant perspective. By showing WEAKNESS only allows further abuse towards you. By allowing yourself to be pushed around allows herself to feel that she has a right to push you around which will only lead to you feeling worse over time. Be considerate to her feelings by all means! But do not let her PUSH YOU AROUND. Does your wife wear EXACTLY what you wish her to wear all the time????? I bet you that she does not. Nor should you expect her to wear what you want her to. She should wear what SHE feels comfortable in. And so should you have a right. ESPECIALLY if you are only doing that when she is not present. ****DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT THROW OUT YOUR STUFF***** DO NOT LET HER THOW IT OUT!!!!!!!!

[TrishaLake]

She suggested therapy...to me that is a good sign, take her up on the offer get a marriage one and a personal one

[Rachael Leigh]

Sorry about this Glendy and I hope you didn't get rid of your clothes, our wives are very fragile but I just wish they could understand that while what we do is not what many men do it is our outlet for something we need and I know I will never understand I would not want to purge my stuff just like that, been there done that and no longer have the skirt to prove it.
My wife and I too are prob going to counseling so I hope yours goes well

[MissDanielle]

Hugs. I hope counseling helps!

[Leslie Langford]

Glenda, while your wife's dismay at your crossdressing and her struggles to come to terms with it are understandable and something that those of us who are also in DADT relationships can relate to, I think that she has crossed the line now in terms of what she is trying to impose on you. I see at least a couple of red flags here -

1) Not only does your wife know now where your "stash" is, she is now getting into the habit of sneaking around behind your back to see what, if anything, you have added to it recently, and then promptly takes you to task for that. This is totally unacceptable, and she is treating you like a recalcitrant child who needs to be educated and controlled, rather than treating you like an adult and renegotiating the terms of your DADT relationship if - and where - required if that's what it takes to result in a "win-win" situation for the two of you.

2) Your wife not only insists that you get rid of all your female clothing at this point, she won't even "allow" you to take the bag that contains them to Goodwill yourself to dispose of them. Not much evidence of trust here, and there is certainly also a high degree of control being exercised by her which you seem quite willing to accept for the sake of "peace in our time". You might just want to reflect back on how well that false hope worked out for British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain just prior to the outbreak of WWII...

Form what I am reading between the lines here, your wife is a controlling bully who is used to getting her way, and is using the negative way in which society (and she) generally views crossdressing to occupy the moral high ground here while using your guilt over it to club you into submission.

Pardon me for being so blunt, but if you allow your wife to run roughshod over you in this manner, you might as well just lop off your "family jewels" while you are at it and throw them into the Goodwill bag as well, as you clearly will have no more use for them after this...

[Janine cd]

I'm truly sorry for you Glenda. I, too have a wife who really despises my dressing. I have made a pact with her. As long as she never sees me dressed, she will never ask me to dispose of any of my feminine attire. I promised that I would only dress whenever she was away from our home. This seems to have worked out pretty well. She has never opened any of the parcels that I have ordered on line, even the ones addressed to Janine.

[Rhonda Darling]

All that DSmith said, plus . . . . Are you out of your freakin' mind? I know doormats that have a stiffer spine than what you showed. Do NOT let your wife push you around like that, or it will never end! Her reaction, after already having knowledge of your dressing, is cruel punishment. If, by chance, your clothes are still in the house, tell your wife that the only way you'll both get beyond this is if you and she go to couples counseling with a counselor who understands "T" issues . . . . And, that your clothes are yours, not hers. If she pushes back, promise to throw out her stuff on a one-for-one basis until she respects your property.

As an aside, the fact that your underwear is better than hers is a pretty big statement about how she treats herself (or fails to), and about how little she cares about looking good for you.

Good luck.

[Jazzy Jaz]

You told her that you want her to be happy, but what about YOU? Do you want you to be happy? Does it seem like SHE wants you to be happy? Respecting her feelings and agreeing to a DADT is one thing, but ALLOWING her to FORCE you to give up and remove what makes you happy and is essentially a part of you is clearly a lose/win in her favour. Even if you comply for the rest of your life you will forever feel resentful to her and she, while not being a fair partner herself, will never get to have a fulfilled partner in you. Sometimes things take tough love and in this situation I think you need to be more tough and assert yourself. I would agree to counselling but like others have said would require it to be someone who has GOOD experience with TG issues, for me this would be a condition on whether or not I would attend. She may be seeking a counsellor who will affirm her position and portray you as the guilty party. If she truly loves you, then for the sake of your well being she would be totally open to someone who can "figure you out" so to speak, and help the two of you navigate this together. If she has no desire to budge on any of this then unfortunitely I fear that you are in a one way situationally abusive relationship. Im sorry that you are experiencing this but if you value yourself then its time to BE BRAVE, BE STRONG, and allow yourself to BE WHO YOU ARE, with or without her. IMHO!

[transfeminate]

From my limited experience it seem to me you have to be upfront right at the beginning and hope like heck she will understand because its just like any secret.If it comes out (and secrets always seem to) it is ten times worse because your spouse not only has to cope with what she has discovered but also the fact you deceived her.
I know it's easy for me to say because I have a wonderfully understanding wife but I still think hiding it is not a good idea

[prene]

Good Luck.

I would say see a Therapist ...for both of you ... mine is great.

[JenniferR771]

I am right there with you, Glenda. My wife and relationship is about the same.
If she were going to throw it out--she would have done so by now.
My situation is that the anger subsides after a period of time. It is likely she realizes how angry and resentful you would be if she got rid of some of your stuff. And rightly so. And your anger might last longer than hers. Keep a close eye on her and her moods. Try to predict what will happen and what she will do or say.

Counseling will not change her personality--so be sure you have control over the type and attitudes of the counselor. Read his website carefully. Be sure he has a good background in transgender situations. She will try to find a counselor sympathetic to her view. If she is like my wife--she will refuse to see a counselor that disagrees with her.

[docrobbysherry]

I hope what happened to me doesn't happen to u, Glenda? I gradually let my wife have her way more and more over time. It seemed easier than getting into quarrels over every little thing. (This was long before I began dressing).

The first thing the counselor told us was I was building up resentment from my wife's "abuse". At her suggestion, I began standing up to my wife and told what I was feeling. I suddenly felt better but my ex began to feel worse! She ended up telling the therapist and me that from now on, it was going to be her way or the hiway. I dropped her at a bus stop ASAP. Marriage over!:sad:

[NicoleScott]

She wants your stuff gone. What she (and others) don't understand is that we don't desire to crossdress because we have the clothing. We have the clothing because we have the desire to crossdress. Purging doesn't cure crossdressing and just wastes money. Couseling can be beneficial - just make sure you have the same objective. If your objective is to gain her acceptance and hers is to cure you, it will surely fail.

[crobeson96]

I love that she wants to go to counseling. Ask the counselor to discuss the expected outcomes first. Even if your expectations are different that's a good thing to set out first. Even if resolving that difference is not the first thing you work on, it's on the list. I'd hope the session helps your wife understand all her feelings and helps each of you to understand one another better.
My experiences with a professional counselor were awesome! They always helped and always brought something fresh to think about.

[SherriePall]

I hope things work out for you, including the counselling. If it helps, tell your wife that it's a good thing she didn't find my stash!
A little bit more than yours.

[Helen Waite]

Counseling. .... meh. After a few bouts of "Christian" counseling (because that's what my wife wanted) during some rough spots in our marriage, I said no more. Not having someone with a skewed agenda telling me that I have something wrong with me, when they're the sick ones.

Funny thing, now she's getting counseling from a competent therapist for her anxiety and insecurity, and now we're at DADT and I can buy what I want. A vast improvement over forced/imposed purging and being berated by charlatans.

If you must do counseling, research and insist on a counselor of your own choosing who will support your needs.

[IamWren]

I'm really sorry this happened Glenda? As i was reading the list of stuff you had I thought "well, that's not so bad. Then I got to the 25 Victoria Secret panties. Ouch. That hurts. I remember your thread when you said she found your stash and I thought you had said you were in a don't ask/don't tell arrangement. Was that the case? Seems to me like she wasn't holding up her side of the 'don't ask' part. I mean for me, "don't ask" would include snooping around looking for evidence of your dressing. It's a violation of trust and the agreement.


What she (and others) don't understand is that we don't desire to crossdress because we have the clothing. We have the clothing because we have the desire to crossdress.
I think Nicole's statement is applicable to 99% of crossdressers. By forcing you to throw your clothing away isn't going to make the CDing go away... well, at least not the thoughts of it anyway.
I'm so very sorry. As for the therapy, I think the suggestion of finding one who is knowledgeable in gender issues is critical.

p.s. Is it bad that the first thing I thought was "wow, Glenda's a size 2? Skinny bitch." Kidding Glenda just trying to add a little levity to what I'm sure is a very stressful situation. I hope it all works out.

Big hugs to you.
Sayyidah

[Sky]

Best of luck, Glenda. I'm with the minority here but I don't believe your wife crossed any lines. She has her own views of what's acceptable and what's not in her marriage and expressed them. It's up to you to decide how much you want to accept yourself, but locking horns is not usually the best way to find out what an acceptable compromise is (if any exists). My humble advice is, either in therapy or over dinner, listen to your wife. Listen a lot, don't argue or interrupt until you have a good idea of what she thinks. Often times we live in our own world and simply don't know what others think of us. Only then, make up your mind as to whether you accept her position or not. The other advice is, therapists are not there to take your side, their role is to make you and your wife listen to each other and resolve your issues by yourselves. If you expect the therapist to be "sympathetic" to your views you're likely to be sorely disappointed.

[avant1465]

When you wrote: "She happier now but wants to go to counseling together...." what I read was: "We'll put off the ultimate split that we must make.... for a while..... " I think it's important to recognize that some GGs are OK with a C/D partner... and others aren't.....

[Beverley Sims]

Look on the positive side of counseling it may help resolve a few issues.

[Helen Waite]

A recurring undertone to many such scenarios is that when a spouse insists on counseling, they're looking for someone to validate their objections and demands for immediate cessation. Last thing in their mind is your needs.

[Sharon B.]

As others have said find one that you both can agree on, when my ex-wife found out she told me I was the one that needed counseling she didn't and she refused to go. We went our separate ways as in divorce. We didn't have kids so lucky on that part. I still continue to dress even right after the divorce, just had to make sure she wasn't shopping at the store where I was buying some bra's at the time.

[giuseppina]

Beyond asking you and your wife see the therapist individually first, I would insist on a registered social worker or another licensed mental health practitioner. Members of the clergy, as a rule, do not have these qualifications, and may be inclined to rely too heavily on the Bible as guidance.

[Anne K]

plus she doesn't have as nice as underwear as I do.

Perhaps she's just jealous? Should you volunteer to buy her "nicer" underwear?:doh:

[Stephanie47]

Make sure you vet the counselor before making an appointment to make sure s/he is qualified to handle transgender/crossdressing issues. I hope your wife is not thinking the purpose of marital counseling is to "cure" you or validate her position. Maybe, your wife will find out you're a normal guy with a liking for women's clothing.

And, it's not your fault she does not have sexy panties. Christmas is coming up real soon. You may want to buy her some VS undergarments or a sexy nightgown.

I'd say you're also fortunate you do not have a very extensive female wardrobe. I have 123 dresses and over 400 slips and only the goddesses know how much of the rest.

[pamela7]

the thing with emotional blackmail is to call the bluff or forever are you in their power. do not get rid of the clothes, insist you are keeping them, and that after counselling will decide.

[Glenda58]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. The reason she wants to go to counseling is she has no one to talk to now. She used to talk to her sister about this. Her sister was ok with it and talk her into leaving alone but she passed away last spring. So now she feels depressed because she can't talk to her anymore. So I will find a counselor and we will go together at first.

About the cloths. I didn't get rid of everything. The some of skirts were minis the tops were for younger gals ( I'm 68and ) I had way to many panties still have about 40. The heels were old and I needed new ones. So in time I might get more and newer things.

I hope after we go to counseling that I will have more time for Glenda.

[Sharon B.]

Good Luck!

[Samantha_Smile]

That pretty harsh. Your wife is definitely high potential to be depressed, i'd recommend you both use counselling as an opportunity and not a sign of weakness.
I've been counselled through depression, it's worthwhile, trust me.

Wish you both the best :)

[Veronica27]

Crossdressing is often not the actual problem in these situations. It is simply the easiest thing for a wife to vent about without addressing what is really bothering her. You say you are 68, and that your wife used to be able to discuss this with her sister. So you are probably retired, have been married for a considerable period of time, have been a lifelong crossdresser and your wife has been aware of that fact. Hence the DADT policy. You have a great deal to lose by acting rashly. We can sometimes forget that our spouse has needs and feelings, which we may be neglecting.

This is a time for some counselling, and for some introspection for both of you. The happiest marriages occur when both partners put the needs of their spouse first. I sincerely hope you find the help you both need.

Veronica

[DanaR]

She suggested therapy...to me that is a good sign, take her up on the offer get a marriage one and a personal one
It could be a good sign, if the therapist has some experience with TG/CD people. So my suggestion would be for you to be proactive in the search for a therapist. Put together a list and call each one and ask some questions. The worst possible situation would be a therapist that is against CD'ers and is going to try to cure you. YMMV

[Tina_gm]

I am one of the most if not the most on here of regular posters who is always on the side of being careful, prioritizing, compromising, sacrificing. On this though, I will say your wife is out of line. At some point, with all the above I mentioned that we who are of the CDer identity, need to be able to be true to ourselves too. OK, you left something out, and probably shouldn't have as to an arrangement you made with your wife. For your wife to say it all goes, is like treating you like a child who abused privilege and now is having stuff taken away as a punishment. That is plain wrong IMO. Your wife does know of your CDing, and has agreed to still be with you. A simple please do not leave stuff out, please stick to our arrangement would suffice, and you should be willing to adhere to the agreement.

Hey, my wife is not at all a fan of me being a CDer. She has not ever told me to throw out what little stuff I have. And, there has been a few occasions where I have left something out unintentionally. It happens. I try hard not to. But sometimes we are just going to miss a pair of underwear or something. My wife does not make a big deal of it. It is part of what she is agreeing to still stay married to me.

I doubt counselling is going to go well for either her or you, depending on who is the counselor. Either she will be finding someone who does not agree with TG issues in a marriage and will put it in your face that it does not belong as part of a marriage, or you will find a counselor who thinks so long as you do not demand your wife to be a part of your CDing and that it is done on your time, not together time, will the counselor have a problem with it. Unless of course the CDing goes beyond where it is now. Your wife will likely dismiss any counselor who will not find you at fault. I do wish you better days.

[Krisi]

A "counselor" or "therapist" is a bit like a business consultant; someone you pay to tell you what you want to hear. Your choice of a counselor would be someone who will tell your wife that crossdressing is normal and harmless and she should accept it. Your wife's choice of counselor would be someone who will tell you that crossdressing is unnatural and perverted and you should stop it.

So who gets to choose the counselor, you or your wife?

[Tina_gm]

Not if they are a good therapist Krisi. But many are out there I am sure who will tell people what they wish to hear so they can get return business. Often, when we seek out a therapist because our life is not going the way we wish it to, and we are suffering emotional distress, chances are we are not caring for ourselves as we should, emotionally, physically or financially. The other reason would be a chemical imbalance in our brains. In this case, a therapist (good one) will recognize this and send us to a psychiatrist for tx. We still can use the help of a therapist too. For the other areas which we are not taking good care of ourselves, a good therapist will likely tell us things we do not want to hear.

[Sky]

A "counselor" or "therapist" is a bit like a business consultant; someone you pay to tell you what you want to hear.

A tepid "maybe" in individual therapy, although any therapist really worth his salt would not shy from opening cans full of worms. But in couples therapy, more often than not you pay to hear what you do NOT want to hear. And yet that's the foundation of any meaningful therapy. You already have someone (at least, some "entity") to tell you only sweet things you want to hear: it's called your own brain. Therapists are there to make you face the things you can't or don't want to by yourself -and that includes, in glaring neon characters, your wife's feelings.

[cdbrandi]

I did not read all the replies, so if someone else mentioned this as well sorry for repeating it. Since she seems upset that you have a nicer underwear collection than she does offer to take her to VS or her fine lingerie dealer of choice and buy her as much as you can afford to buy to work towards getting her lingerie collection on par with yours.

[Helen 2]

Best of luck, Glenda. I'm with the minority here but I don't believe your wife crossed any lines. She has her own views of what's acceptable and what's not in her marriage and expressed them. It's up to you to decide how much you want to accept yourself, but locking horns is not usually the best way to find out what an acceptable compromise is (if any exists).

That above from Sky....thumbs up.

My wife and I went to counselling for a while....I did not want to but back about 20 years ago (and after 20 years of being okay with DADT as I was open with her about Helen before we married) she began pressuring to go. We did and surprisingly, our counsellor was not biased against me. I think the sessions helped both of us as I was pushing for more 'acceptance' from my wife while she was wanting 'less' of Helen in any form, DADT or otherwise and I think it helped both of us by getting us more into a space of respecting each other's differences more.

Yes, we're still DADT but she knows I dress when she is not around and has not messed with my things that I know of.

Good luck and hugs
Helen

[Janine cd]

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I've been there too. When my wife found my treasures some time ago, she was furious. We went through counseling for about six months. The outcome was that she would never accept my crossdressing but would allow me to dress whenever she was away. This has worked out satisfactorily except that she is never away for more than a day but once every eight weeks when she visits her hairdressser a day's journey away.I have adjusted to the routine, but find it terribly restraining.
ly

[donnalee]

Your wife is behaving like a bully, no matter what the reasons are. I have found that giving in to a bully is the worst possible way of dealing with one.
Be careful of which "counselor" you choose; stay away from those with a religious affiliation or that show a bias. They will not be helpful and will likely make the situation worse.