A resent txt from my ex wife

[Megan b]

I just heard some news that I'd like you to verify. Are you going out as her in Obion and Weakly county? Have you even considered how that would effect your daughter and son? This is not the time to announce your decisions to the world. Consider that daughter and son are working to start their life's and establish themselves in school and work. They don't need to deal with people talking about you and your "lifestyle". Go off somewhere else if you have to but don't punish my children with your bad decisions.
My ex wife received my regular response, which is a no response. I don't let her bait me into anything. For just a little background about the time she is referencing, I went out the day before Halloween as Megan and just ran a few errands, went to the bank and paid a bill. I have a good friend at that bank and revealed this side of me to her for the first time. I wore my best dress and best hair and really good makeup. She did not have a clue, we went to her office talked for about 30 minutes, told me I looked great and that she would have never known I was not a woman. This friend did mention this to my ex wife, but I have no problem with this. If I want to go grocery shopping and pay a bill as Megan so be it. I'm not married to her anymore.
As for my children, they are 20 and 23 years old and they both know about Megan. My daughter lives with her mother but has never seen Megan and my son lives with me and he has seen Megan coming and going from time to time. I do not force this on my kids. If my son comes home early or gets home before me I simply change clothes and go back to Mike.
Anyway I was just wondering what some of your thoughts were regarding the txt, I received. Thanks

[LisaKarenAZ]

As you state, your kids are fully grown adults that know about Megan, and you are no longer married to this woman. To me, it sounds like she is trying to impart control over you and your life, where she has no place imparting. If your kids have an issue with Megan, they are old enough to speak up for themselves without Mommy stepping in for them.

Personally, I would have one of two responses for an ex if she sent this to me. One, a non-response like you have said is your normal response. Two, I would reply with simply "We are no longer married, and our children are grown. I do not answer to you anymore. If my kids have any concerns with my activities outside of the house, they are adult enough to tell me themselves. Thank you for your interest, and good bye."

[Genny B]

Forget it Megan. Like you addressed it, it's just bait for something else. I would totally ignore it. Might dress up and go visit her just to embarrass her, but i wouldn't go any further than that! LOL!

Genny B

[Jenniferathome]

Mine would be something like this:

"<her first name> I hope you are well. I love our kids just as you do. I would never do anything to hurt them."

[JanePeterson]

Well played! It sounds to me like she's trying to get a rise out of you... Don't give her the satisfaction!!

[Robin414]

Well done! Treat it like any other piece of txt spam!

[LelaK]

Sounds like you did RESENT the TXT.

[Janine cd]

Send her your love and end the message. She is not seeing the reality of the situation.

[Stephanie47]

Usually it is recommended one avoid toxic waste dumps. I would not answer such text messages. Since your kids know and they are young adults, if they have some concerns they are old enough to voice them.

[kittie60]

Just ignore her like you did. It's obvious that she's unhappy and wants to make your life miserable. You did the right thing.

[Beverley Sims]

Just ignore it, no use throwing petrol on the fire, it is burning well without any help from you.

Actually, not replying will probably fan the flames a bit. :-)

[ReineD]

Well, you are in Tennessee so people will gossip. A few will be OK with it, some will be critical, and some won't care although they might prefer to maintain a distance (not want to do things with you while you're dressed). I don't know if you live in an urban area or a small town.

Since your kids are adult, I'd ask them what they think. Do they mind if their friends, coworkers, etc, find out that their dad crossdresses. Would they prefer that you CD in the next town over.

[Debra Russell]

If there is not a red flag waving or the pitch fork carrying hoard following you around you have no problem but your paranoid X-wife, and your response was perfect.......nothing............................. .............Debra

[Nicole Erin]

Girlfriends and wives sometimes get bored and try to contact their ex. Anything from silly drama to wanting to get back together. It's like GG's cannot let stuff just drop.

With the ex saying -

...Have you even considered how that would effect your daughter and son? This is not the time to announce your decisions to the world. Consider that daughter and son are working to start their life's and establish themselves in school and work. They don't need to deal with people talking about you and your "lifestyle"...

Your ex doesn't seem to get something -
Don't nobody give a damn about someone's parents. I mean even if class or workmates to your children knew, they are not going to say, "So, let's talk about your dad...." LITTLE kids might but not grown-ups. Not since high school have I personally ever heard of drama starting because someone didn't like someone's parents. Can you see two grown women saying, "(Your daughter's name) is cool and all but her dad is pretty weird, I just don't want to associate with (your daughter)

Their life at school, career advancements, social life, marriage prospects... none of it is going to be effected by their parents' personal lives.
And if your kids think it will be, they just won't introduce anyone to their dad, simple as that.

If anyone is going to judge your Cd'ing, it will be judging you and not your kids or ex.

[Samantha_Smile]

With all due respect to the ex wife, who sounds like an absolute treat...
Her 'children' are adults, free to make their own decisions and opinions.

Having a dad who is in some way TG can only be a positive, mind broadening experience.
The mother however (from the above only) sounds like the type who would teach them to be judgemental.
I am, of course making broad generalizations and stereotyping bigot behaviour, but then so is the ex.

I'd reply with something along those lines :D :D :D

[OCCarly]

My thoughts are, once you have made the last child support payment on the youngest kid, you are done with your ex, except for weddings, funerals and baptisms. And for those occasions, make sure you "dress" appropriately.:devil:

[Veronica27]

-
Don't nobody give a damn about someone's parents. I mean even if class or workmates to your children knew, they are not going to say, "So, let's talk about your dad...." LITTLE kids might but not grown-ups.

Yeah, but my dad coulda beat your dad.:)

[Dana44]

I think you did the right thing. She is trying to contact you and as any GG would say that she is trying to exercise power over you. You have no need to ever answer to her. She is no part of your life now.

[tanya_cd]

How did she find out would be a question. I agree somewhat with what others are saying in that your kids are grown. When reading your post, I pictured them to be much younger.

To put things in perspective, I was in my early 20's when my parents divorced, and I also learned some other family secrets that completely changed the way I viewed them. Did it hurt and was is traumatizing? Yes, it was. Now, some people may handle it more or less harsh than myself, but I got older. I learned I had to accept it. Now that I am older and looking back, I am much stronger and wiser because of it.

All my life I have been worried about getting other people to accept me, never really taking the time to accept myself. Could your kids be hurt by this? It's possible. Should you feel, or be made to feel guilty? Absolutely not.

Lets not also forget the source of the message. It wasn't sent by your children. Lets face it, she doesn't sound like someone who sounds easy to please. The only relationships you should worry about, are between you and your children. If your kids know about Megan and it becomes issue with them directly, talk to them. If you don't decide to blow off the text, simply reply in a polite manner and don't let her provoke you. When you look back you will be much happier.

[StephanieJ]

My ex does stuff like this all the time. She is just trying to get under your skin. Anyway, who is she to judge your decisions? What is "bad" to her might just be the best thing in the world for you and your children.

[Suzie Petersen]

Megan,

If you are able to, then take the high road as Jennifer suggested:


Jennifer: "<her first name> I hope you are well. I love our kids just as you do. I would never do anything to hurt them."

That was a great suggestion!

- Suzie

[Tracii G]

Wish her well and be friendly but don't say anything about what she texted you as if you just blew it off which is what you ARE doing.
Its a trap and she is drawing at straws trying to start something.Push a hot button to set you off if you will don't let her do it.
Your kids know all about you already so whats the beef?

Reine people everywhere talk about others why is Tenn. any different?

[~Joanne~]

I think you handled it well with the no response. Maybe take it up a notch and block her if she persists with all the BS. after all, Your divorced for a reason and control freak comes to mind when I think of the reasons it happened just from what you have typed. I don't get how You need your grown kids permission either. maybe it's just me but your free to live your life at this point how you see fit. My SO's sister likes to tell her parents what they should and shouldn't be doing and I just never understood how anyone can think they have that right. The parents are grown and so is the kids....act like it.

[ReineD]

Reine people everywhere talk about others why is Tenn. any different?

The South is more conservative, especially outside of large urban areas.

To Megan b, ignore the ex. But, how do your children feel? Are they OK with you going out where they live and work?

[Teresa]

Megan,
It sounds as if she's trying to use your grown up children as blackmail to take her resentment out on you !
I guess if you are going to reply to the message tell her she can vent all she likes but leave the children out of it . They both know now and have accepted it in their way, they don't need to be poisoned by the thoughts your wife has of you.
I have the opposite situation with my children , neither has seen me but I have shown my daughter my pictures, I told my son this but he hasn't asked and I don't push it .

[Eryn]

...As for my children, they are 20 and 23 years old and they both know about Megan. My daughter lives with her mother but has never seen Megan and my son lives with me and he has seen Megan coming and going from time to time.

My daughters are of similar ages to your children. They both know about me, they've both gone out many times with Eryn, and they are perfectly fine with it. Many of their friends know about me as well. None of this has harmed their friendships or relationships in the least.

Your ex-wife is stirring the pot and trying to use your children as leverage. It's a rather weak ploy. Your non-response is the correct response.

Her language indicates her complete lack of understanding of being TG, and since she has washed her hands of you she no longer has a say in your life. Love your children, ignore her.

[Megan b]

Hey Ladies, just wanted to say thank you for your replies. I do not wish to communicate with my ex wife unless it regards our children's health and well being, outside that we have nothing to talk about. So there will not be a reply to that txt or most any other txt massage. What I do is my business, she opted out and gets no say how I live my life. I would also like to say I don't tell her how to lead her life. I don't hate my ex wife but I also don't love her anymore either.
Reine asked a couple of things. I live in north west TN, most people will call this a rural area. I live 10 miles from the University of TN at Martin and 10 miles from Union City TN. Closest larger cities are Jackson TN and Paducah KY about 50 to 65 miles away and I go to these cities regularly for shopping and just getting out but sometimes I don't want to travel and waste gas, so I stay closer to home. Even if someone thinks that's a guy dressed as a woman, they're not likely to think it's Mike.
What do my kids think or feel? Good question, I may never know and probably will never ask. I would guess that they wished this side of me didn't exist. That would have made life a lot easier but that's not the way it is. As I said before, I don't force this on the kids but it's part of me and I have come to accept this. I enjoy and love presenting as a nicely dressed woman but I also love my guy side as well. One day I maybe presenting as a woman doing her shopping and the next day I may be front of the boat fishing. I like both sides of me that come together to make one person. Thanks for your replies, I have enjoyed reading them.

[ReineD]

... I go to these cities regularly for shopping and just getting out but sometimes I don't want to travel and waste gas, so I stay closer to home. Even if someone thinks that's a guy dressed as a woman, they're not likely to think it's Mike.

What do my kids think or feel? Good question, I may never know and probably will never ask. I would guess that they wished this side of me didn't exist. That would have made life a lot easier but that's not the way it is. As I said before, I don't force this on the kids but it's part of me and I have come to accept this.

OK. So let's set aside your wife's text. As you say, she has no input in this.

But your post clarifies the situation with your kids. I'm glad that you've accepted yourself, but does it matter to you that the people in your kids' lives will potentially see you dressed? Do they have a strategy for dealing with this? I'm wondering if your kids said something to your wife and this is why she texted. So again, you are under no obligation to appease your wife. But your kids? That's another matter. I think you should meet this head on and ask them (they do know about you?) ... unless you don't care how they'll deal with it, in which case you should just carry on.

[Tina_gm]

I am going to echo what Reine is stating. You should get a better idea of what your kids feel if you are going to be going out in public and in the same area dressed. Since you are not transitioning or living full time, what your kids think or feel is relevant. Some areas just are not so accepting of CDing lifestyles. If- this would cause a lot of stress on your relationship with your kids, going out in a place where others will recognise you, or if you run into your kids (you do change to Mike for them) this might be prudent. If they are fine with you being out in the area dressed, then continue on by all means.

[Suzanne F]

Megan
I graduated from Murray State not far from you! I applaud your bravery for going out in that area. I travel back to Ky to see my daughters and since I am full time I do draw some stares. I think you have met your obligations with your children. They should have your support to live authentic lives and just as you should have theirs. I think your ex wife may be trying to control how people see her since she is probably still associated with you in their mind. I bet she thinks this reflects poorly on her somehow. Our lives are short and we deserve to be us. If you have explained this to your children and been loving I think you should have at it!
Suzanne

[ReineD]

I think you have met your obligations with your children. They should have your support to live authentic lives and just as you should have theirs.

What does this mean? Should Megan just assume that her kids have strategies for dealing with this and carry on as if they do?

Is there any reason why Megan shouldn't at least discuss going out in their hometown with her kids?

[Tina_gm]

There have been members here who have stories of being assaulted. Of being verbally harassed. While I am truly a believe that people should live as their authentic selves, when in such a minority as we are, we should remember not to get too caught up in the successes we have had. Or the stories of others who have had and are being succesful. I think too, we need to be mindful of this mindset of push push push, when it comes to CDers. I am not saying, do not live as who you are, or how you wish. Our kids, parents, friends. There is just so much about life we should be mindful of. Compromising is a part of life in all aspects. Compromising does not mean giving up entirely. It means adjusting so that we can get as much out of life as we can.

How often do we hear of failed marriages, strained if not destroyed relationship with family members and kids? Do we need to push so hard? This does not mean go hide in the closet. But, IF- a CDer is going to continue on in life as the gender they were born as, how can CDing be the top priority? I would think in an odd way, it might actually be almost easier if someone was to transition when it comes to others in their circle. Then, it is a complete reality. As a part time CDer, we should balance our lives. I am not even saying that the OP isn't. Just a reminder to all who are part time CDers, not to get caught up in the minutia of CDing and put others and our lives in general out of balance and to keep our lifetime priorities where they will benefit us the most.

[ReineD]

Gendermutt, the risk of getting beaten up or being verbally harassed is small. Certainly it can happen, but so can car accidents. This doesn't stop people from driving because 99.9% of the time, people do drive from point A to point B safely.

But, I'll be blunt here at the risk of angering some people. I think some members prefer to think that what they do has no impact on anyone else, or if there is an impact, it is the other person's issue to deal with and not the member's, so to h*ll with everyone else.

Certainly if a person is TS and transitioning, they cannot continue to present male in order to appease or protect their loved ones. But, hopefully there is lots of communication with family members, especially children, to get them to understand the necessity of transition which will give them tools to handle the issue when the knowledge becomes public. But if someone is not transitioning, this adds so many complications, given the dire lack of knowledge in our society about crossdressers. At some level people are aware there are TSs through the media coverage of people like Kaytlin Jenner in recent years, but there is so much lack of understanding about CDers that to pretend that everyone gets it is misinformed.

So if the OP is coming out to everyone in her life, then she should talk to her kids. But if the OP controls who, in her own life, should know and not know, then she should give this same advantage to her kids.

[Sky]

What do my kids think or feel? Good question, I may never know and probably will never ask.

You asked for advice, here it is: that's wrong. Very.

I followed the thread and -save for Reine I think?- EDIT: sorry, gendermutt did too- everybody focused exclusively on your relation with your wife. But in the text you hated so much, she showed concern about the impact of your decision on your kids. And judging by what you said, you don't know what that impact is or could be, and don't plan to find out.

Hate me if you want to, but I tend to side with your wife on this. I'm not saying she's right, and I have no way to know. But I do believe your kids deserve to be considered in your decision process, as part of your immediate family. And it seems to me that you are either denying or ignoring it, which does not sound right to me.

[Tina_gm]

Gendermutt, the risk of getting beaten up or being verbally harassed is small. Certainly it can happen, but so can car accidents. This doesn't stop people from driving because 99.9% of the time, people do drive from point A to point B safely. Those most likely to get into an accident are the very young drivers, who often feel they are invincible. How many of us when we were teenagers, or in our 20's did silly and stupid things behind the wheel? Doesn't mean we should stop driving because of what might happen, but we can reduce the odds of something bad happening by being smarter, more mindful of how we are driving. Being more alert to the other cars etc etc. Hearing lots of great stories about positive interaction in the public..could lead some to be too little fearful of what can happen, wrong place, wrong time kinda thing.

[ReineD]

Hearing lots of great stories about positive interaction in the public..could lead some to be too little fearful of what can happen, wrong place, wrong time kinda thing.

To be real, gendermutt, I don't think the majority of crossdressers on this site (who are for the most part middle aged), aim to go out to risky places when they do go out. I should think most people stay clear of unpopulated streets in bar districts late in the evening. I think we're mostly talking about going out dressed in well populated mainstream areas, during the day or early-ish evening hours when there are lots of other people milling about. Of course lots of people go to T-clubs in the late evenings, but those are friendly places to go to. :)

[Megan b]

Hey Ladies, I have read each of your post and just want to say thank you for giving me some food for thought.

[Eryn]

...Hate me if you want to, but I tend to side with your wife on this. I'm not saying she's right, and I have no way to know. But I do believe your kids deserve to be considered in your decision process, as part of your immediate family. And it seems to me that you are either denying or ignoring it, which does not sound right to me.

If her children were in their teens or preteens I might agree. However, in this case they are adults and can make their own decisions. Anyone who would consider them tainted because their father wears womens' clothing deserve to be exposed as the shallow, bigoted person they are.

It has, to my knowledge, never happened, but I know that my own adult daughters wouldn't stand for anyone speaking ill of me simply because I am TG.

[ReineD]

Eryn, you live in SoCal. The OP lives in a small town in West TN. There's a difference.

The least the OP could do is talk to his/her kids and hear their thoughts. Didn't you talk to your daughters?

Also, you are transitioning and this adds a layer that I do not know is present in the OP's life, but even so, before you knew you were going to transition (while you were safeguarding who should know in your own life, and who should not know), wouldn't you have accorded the same respect to your daughters by respecting their wishes if they had asked you to attend one of their events in male mode? And so logically, wouldn't this extend to going out dressed in areas where there were people they know? (The OP and kids do live in a small town.)

[Jessicajane]

think yourself lucky...you escaped her .....clearly she has some deep seated issues with Megan and as is oft the case people in that position reflect their feelings onto others....head up high shoulders back and a smile on your face and do what makes you happy xx

[sherri]

Gendermutt, the risk of getting beaten up or being verbally harassed is small. Certainly it can happen, but so can car accidents. This doesn't stop people from driving because 99.9% of the time, people do drive from point A to point B safely.

But, I'll be blunt here at the risk of angering some people. I think some members prefer to think that what they do has no impact on anyone else, or if there is an impact, it is the other person's issue to deal with and not the member's, so to h*ll with everyone else.

Certainly if a person is TS and transitioning, they cannot continue to present male in order to appease or protect their loved ones. But, hopefully there is lots of communication with family members, especially children, to get them to understand the necessity of transition which will give them tools to handle the issue when the knowledge becomes public. But if someone is not transitioning, this adds so many complications, given the dire lack of knowledge in our society about crossdressers. At some level people are aware there are TSs through the media coverage of people like Kaytlin Jenner in recent years, but there is so much lack of understanding about CDers that to pretend that everyone gets it is misinformed.

So if the OP is coming out to everyone in her life, then she should talk to her kids. But if the OP controls who, in her own life, should know and not know, then she should give this same advantage to her kids.Major props to Reine, I'm in 100% agreement and have posted similar thoughts on this forum numerous times over the years. Like so many of us, I came to this AFTER I had established a family, career, community life etc. There is still so much stigma associated with CDing and while I respect anyone willing to absorb the cost personally, sparing my loved ones associated stigma and emotional confusion is one of the main reasons I long ago made the choice to limit my "outness" to the local lgbt culture and road trips, a choice I have never regretted no matter how much I would like to come out more. If I had one criticism of CDers at large, it is the general inclination (with many exceptions, of course) toward self-absorption and rationalization. Yes, there is compromise and a bit of frustration wrapped up in my choice, but honestly, it is possible to spare feelings, protect loved ones and still have a pretty rich and rewarding CD experience. Life is full of trade-offs, yo, and this is just one of 'em.

[Eryn]

Eryn, you live in SoCal. The OP lives in a small town in West TN. There's a difference.

...wouldn't you have accorded the same respect to your daughters by respecting their wishes if they had asked you to attend one of their events in male mode? And so logically, wouldn't this extend to going out dressed in areas where there were people they know?...

SoCal is not a total LGBT paradise as many view it. I don't live in Los Angeles. I live in a very conservative town that hasn't elected a democrat in decades. Churches have a strong influence here. I have always been very careful in my own town and this is a major concern as I approach transition.

That said, my children are adults and they make their own choices. I would certainly listen to their desires and abide by them if they are reasonable and truly their own. A desire for me to be in a particular mode when I am with them in public would be reasonable. A desire to control me even when they are not with me would not be reasonable. Neither would any attempt to impose the will of an estranged spouse.

[Megan b]

Ladies, my adult kids are in the loop, they know that I sometimes stay close to home and this has been a non-issue. They both have strong enough personalities that if they had a problem with my going out in/near hometown they would simply address it with me and we'd go from there. With that being said, this is also like the elephant in the room sometimes, even though we all know about my CDing we prefer not to talk about it and that's okay. I do not CD everyday of the week nor do I feel a need too. It is something that is done one or two days a week mostly on weekends after other obligations have been meet. I don't think the kids have mentioned this to their mother or I would have been contacted sooner. The only reason this has come up is because I went out over dressed for Halloween and revealed Megan to a close friend of mine that also knows my ex wife. This friend is someone that I leaned on quite a bit as I was going through my divorce and I thought this would help her understand where I and my ex wife were coming from.

[Rhonda Jean]

Could it be that you revealed Megan to that close friend hoping it would get back to your ex?

I can't improve on the advice you've been given, however, I think I'm seeing something I'm a bit familiar with. Even several years after my divorce I've don things like this that I know will get back to her, or at least that is my intent. From an objective point of view (I don't have a lot of objectivity when it comes to this) these things were unnecessary, and potentially destructive. Basically stupid.

Maybe I'm reading something in that's not there, but I've got a similar story or two. If your latent anger toward your ex is part of your motivation, you should resist. That text may have been exactly the reaction you wanted. With you not being completely out, you're taking a big chance for a little poke back at your ex. BTDT, shouldn't have.

[Sky]

...if they had a problem with my going out in/near hometown they would simply address it with me and we'd go from there.

Ok, but why "would" and not "will"?

Because as you said before, you haven't asked your kids what they think. You assume they are fine with it, but there's a wide range of positions from "accepting happily" to "keeping silent to avoid an argument". And assumptions are the mother of mistakes (that's an engineering saying)

I insist, ask them what they think about your lifestyle. It does not even have to be related to your wife's text. You say "we prefer not to talk about it and that's ok". Ok to you maybe, but how do you know if they're ok with it too?

[Krisi]

I don't let my ex wives tell me what to do but I'm really surprised that some people resort to text messages for things as personal as this rather than talking, either in person or on the phone.

If your ex wife is concerned about your crossdressing (it's really none of her business), she should have called you to talk about it.

[jenniferinsf]

my take is that what she is really saying is that SHE is uncomfortable with the situation (society looking at her having been married to you) but using the kids as a forum. in my case i have asked each of my grown children about my dressing and going out most of the time as a woman. they are ok with but my wife is the one who is concerned about the "neighbors"

i think you have to talk to the kids and even at their age they need guidance so it wants to be a dialogue rather than here i am and this is how i prefer it to be.

[alwayshave]

Megan, I think you did the right thing by ignoring your ex-wife. My ex, who does not know of my CDing, hits me with a txt or email at least twice a month trying to dictate something or another in my life even though we have not been married for a decade. I as well, ignore her. I believe she is just baiting me to get a reaction.

[ReineD]

That said, my children are adults and they make their own choices. I would certainly listen to their desires and abide by them if they are reasonable and truly their own.

This is the only thing I suggested, that the OP should at least talk to his/her children. In the last post, the OP was not willing to do so.