When did you know?

[MissDanielle]

Forgive me if this has already been asked but when did you know?

My folks buy into the argument that you know when you were 5. Apparently, my therapist says most people she meets with knows when you are 4-7 years old.

I knew something was off when I was 13. I stayed silent about it because I was teased enough as it was in school. I didn't need any more teasing at the time!

My mom thinks I'm just a CD and not trans because I never showed any girly traits or behavior while growing up. She doesn't understand why I want to be a woman. It's not that I want to be a woman, it's that I already am on the inside.

[LeaP]

I've answered this in a variety of ways in the past but increasingly view the question as irrelevant. It's often asked by NON-trans people who have preconceived notions of what constitutes the "right" answer. And it's just not that simple.

[I Am Paula]

Believe me, I know the feeling.
I knew something was seriously wrong at puberty. Being a little naive, I assumed I was just gay. I was not sure it was all gender related until a few years later. I think anybody can discover the true depth of their gender at any age.

[MissDanielle]

I started reading trans fiction online in high school and remember wanting some of those universes to be real. I always made sure to clear the cookies and sites from the internet history because I was afraid of getting caught.

It was my way of coping and I still read it to this day. Hell, I even write my own trans fiction as a way of exploring my own feelings. I was working on one project for 11 months over the last year before it suddenly came to me that I was trans. Over the last month, I've been putting the pieces together and everything makes sense now. By not having a sister, I really missed out on my girlhood and not having a stash of clothes to raid! I had to wait until the right time to raid my mom's closet and even then, that was never often enough due to privacy.

[PretzelGirl]

I have seen studies that you start getting a sense of gender at 3 and sexual orientation at 7. To me this is a sense and may not immediately evolve into a clear understanding. That can come at any time.....

[MarieTS]

It was two years old for me. Seriously, it was really that young. Call it early sexual identification if you will. I still recall with great clarity sitting in a circle playing with a group of about 7 toddlers up in an attic. Looking about I said to myself, I think I am one of those (looking at the girls in the group), not one of them (the boys). As I aged and entered school the phenomenon continued and deep inside I felt not that I wanted to be a girl, but that I was actually SUPPOSED to be a girl. By adolescence it became frustrating as our bodies changed and mine went in the wrong direction. I felt I was chasing a train down the tracks that had begun to pickup steam making it less and less likely that I could catch up and hop aboard.

[Contessa]

Hi

I am pretty sure I didn't want to say. I think I didn't want to be thought of as gay, except that now I know I am a woman and I am a gay woman. Being trans will not necessarily change your orientation. But I suspected something around 13. Because I was doing all kinds of stuff prior its just I didn't want anyone to know or find out. I think that's when I got evolved with depression and suppression. I might believe you just figure it out when need be. I had a life event that made think I need to change and I had always wanted a purse. I bought one and then. This analogy "when you put the last quarter in a washing machine, its goes click" And it's been different ever since. I had a feeling to when I bought a night gown or sleep T. There just aren't any rules.

Contessa

[STACY B]

4 or 5 But just knew something was strange,, Didn't know what,, But something,, It was harder than it sounds when you have no way of knowing what it is when you like women,, I think it was easier for the ones who like men, Or should I say same sex,, The ones who always like girls were the most confused for the simple fact there were no words for what we were.

No way could you tell back then, People laugh and joke about doing this and that but seriously some places they would put you AWAY,, So you dare not say anything, Or be Tortured relentlessly forever, I only started when I knew I could take care of myself and wasn't dependent on someone else for my own happiness. Which was much later. I actually went the other way so no one would know my secrete. Putting on a real macho front so is wasn't a question at all. But then it;s twice as hard to undo once it comes to the surface. I am or should I say was my worst nightmare, I just wouldn't or couldn't accept it no way no how, Lots and lots of years of self distruction came before I ever gave up,,,lol,,,

[jandebs]

I don’t have a clear answer either, and agree with LeaP the question is too simplistic. At around 4 I was making skirts from play material and even then knew I was doing something contrary to my family’s expectations. But I felt pretty much a boy through and through. My sister was a girl. I was a boy.

What it felt like to be a girl was beyond my experience and I’ve never been able to process that feeling of being a girl in a boy’s body’. I was however, completely preoccupied with a longing to be a girl, and it’s this persistent thinking about it that is a major part of my dysphoria.

Around 8 or so I concluded that turning into a girl was impossible for me. And with this dawning came a massive sense of loss. That sense of loss never went away and I guess i live with this loss subliminally day after day. Though somehow I’ve managed to find myself as I am. I had breast implants about six weeks ago after having presented entirely as female for over a decade, and I’m basically a happy bunny.

Must update my profile picture!

[Marcelle]

Hi Danielle,

I think like most I figured out I was not quite wired like the other boys when I was about 4 or 5 but that did not stop me from socializing as a boy and doing what all the boys did. I do recall have an argument with my mother about why I could not wear a pretty yellow dress to my first day in Kindergarten and she merely said because girls wear dresses and boys wear pants . . . sounded logical to me so I went with that but never quite accepted it. I played typical boy games with male friends but still played with my sisters and female cousins in typical girl play. I think I really knew when I was 18 and just entering the military as that is when I had my first experience dressing as a woman with my girlfriend at the time. The moment she finished my make-up and I put on the wig she had got me, I looked at this beautiful 18 year old girl (much prettier back then . . . not so much now) and just knew that was who I was meant to be. The night was euphoric to say the least but when it ended I had a deep feeling of depression and shame . . . I was a guy not a girl. So I pushed this 18 year old girl down into my emotional soul and beat her into submission until she was gone. I existed this way for 32 years until I could not deal with it anymore and she exploded back into my life and let her go free.

Cheers

Marcelle

[dreamer_2.0]

I recall curiosities beginning quite early, maybe 5 or 6, but I didn't think much of them at they time. They carried on into my teens which is when I began exploring the curiosities with crossdressing. Once puberty hit and my body started changing, I started to realize that my body was moving in the wrong direction. This is roughly when some depression came around and life started going downhill which I began to accept as the norm. My curiosities and depression continued on and got worse, not better, with time until I finally sought help in my early 30s, and began my transition.

[becky77]

I felt something was wrong from very early, 4 sounds about right.
I can't say I knew what I was but I wanted to be a girl and do girl stuff, with three brothers that wasn't possible. I remember feeling the need to hide this feeling from at least 5/6 onwards.

Being female felt like a fantasy so I tried my best to bury it and all the shame that came with it.

So yes I knew early but not in any definitive way.

[MissDanielle]

I definitely remember having dreams of being a girl, maybe even before puberty, but I can't remember exactly what age I was when those hit. Nor could I figure out why.

I've been sitting down on the toilet to pee from a young age and haven't stopped. If I am in a public restaurant or gas station, I force myself to stand up and pee.

I've always been comfortable talking with girls and have been able to open up on just about anything. I've been comfortable hanging out with them, too. But for the life of me that I just can't explain, asking girls out is virtually impossible.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Sounds like a trend. Being from a small isolated town at the time I couldn't wait for the Sears and eatons catalogues to come spring, summer, fall, winter, and the best for other reasons the Sears Christmas one. This was preteen/puberty. The only sections of interest was the women's section. In my teens and having a bit of spending money allowed me to do just that. First bra, skirt, and other basics came in the mail to my grandmas address as I picked up her mail everyday.

So for me I've pretty much have always known or at least longed to be where I am now.

Cheers... Jennifer

[Dawn cd]

I felt the tug to be a girl when I was about four or five, but the dysphoria was never strong enough to make me radically unhappy with my gender. I liked being a boy too. So I agree with Lea that these feelings--even when they have an early onset--may be irrelevant.

[karenpayneoregon]

Looking back in time I knew there was something different about me at around five years old, always felt more comfortable playing with the neighborhood girls, dressing in my sister's clothes. I remember tucking my stuff very early on after once going into my bathroom and my two female cousins were in there taking a bath and saw between their legs (immediately stepped back out and closed the door). After that things clicked in a manner of speaking "hey I should be like them, why do I have this thing down there" I never considered myself as a cross dresser but instead was attempting to fix myself to be female. As I am speaking to the choir here we know that growing up with parents that are not educated on transgender topics back in the day made things impossible to transition plus society at large was indifferent to us. Of course there are other contributing factors against us back then so for me in a nutshell I did try to fit in but eventually the female inside broke out.

[Emma Beth]

From a very early age, I always knew that something was wrong with me. Kind of like an invisible birth defect if you will.

I fought like hell to figure out what it was that was wrong with me. As I entered puberty, I began to see myself as female. But, I always thought it was just healthy fantasy. So, none of the dots would connect for me until just a few years ago.

Around the time I figured things out, finally; I was doing some research on crossdressing for a writing project I was working on. I found out a lot from a lot of other sources. Then I came here because at first I thought I might be a crossdresser.

When I began to look at some of the posts in this very forum, pieces of the puzzle fell into place. It was scary at first. But, then I began to look at my past with this new information and that was when I had my epiphany.

Since that day, I have struggled to fix other issues in my life; asking myself some very hard questions and answering them with more brutal honesty than I have ever done in my entire life along the way.

Because of this, I sometimes wonder about ignorance and bliss. But then I realize that my own ignorance was not the bliss one might think. It was hell knowing that something was wrong with you and not knowing what that was. It has also been hell knowing what is wrong and not being able to do anything about it for so long.

But, the wait I have had with the knowledge I now have has only been just a drop in the bucket when compared to the other side of my own coin.

[Jessica EnFemme]

I see a lot of myself in the above stories. I really didn't "know" though until a few years ago, into my 40's. I simply repressed it over the years. As a child though I was certainly going down my natural path -- I remember "tucking" like Karen says and being annoyed at that "thing" that was an odd growth on my groin. I only had a brother, no sisters so never got to play with "girly" things, but I remember wanting to stay and play with my friends' sisters and their Barbie playsets and my friends thinking I was stupid. One of my favorite memories was my friend storming out to leave us alone and I got to play with his younger sister and I was so happy for that half-hour or hour. I just remember Ken and Barbie and a 70's-era Corvette, and I was Barbie in it.

Then when I was around 9 or 10 my father caught me putting on my mom's makeup and jewelry and it was the only time in his life he hit me but I remember his rage and "I ain't raisin' no queer!!!" and that was that. Despite my ongoing "crushes" of boys in my classes and the feelings of wanting to be romanced and not to romance, I wasn't going to be "no queer."

At puberty I rationalized that the reason I was soooo interested in girl-hood must be because I am so heterosexual that I actually want to BE them! That was my view of sexuality well into adulthood, despite my guilty and shameful fantasies. I married, raised a family, and only after I divorced did I become my true self. Well, first I thought maybe I'm straight but a crossdresser, but soon realized no, it's not about clothes, I have always been female going back as far as I can remember. It's me and why should I care about hiding it anymore?

[Amanda M]

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3747736/

Have a look at the link!

[kristyk]

At about seven my aunts caught me in their dresser trying on stockings n panties. The two aunts finished dressing me n putting makeup on my face. Then took me downstairs to show everyone. I new after everyone's laughing n carrying on about me I was to keep this part of me a secret. That's when I knew something was wrong n I was different than my family
Kristyk

[Starling]

From pre-Kindergarten, I felt much more comfortable with the girls, and what they were doing. I had no concept of the inner life of boys; what made them tick, why they always wanted to fight. Frankly, I was afraid of boys and longed to be with the girls. My sisters were younger, so I was on my own, as far as clothes and makeup--and help. I did wear my mom's girdle, or one-piece swimsuit, and her old stockings whenever I could, but she was a full-time housewife then, and so was around most of the time. I painted my toenails late one night when I was ten or so, and it was a delicious feeling to look down at them and imagine I had become a real girl. I hadn't figured out tucking yet, but I would place cardboard and tissues in my underwear and pull my pants up as tight as I could, to give myself a flat front. Then there'd be brief feelings of comfort and joy, followed by an inrush of the deepest, darkest shame. I was sure everyone would soon discover I was a total creep, my family would reject me, and I would lose all my friends; but I couldn't help obsessing about being a girl.

In the late 'Fifties I saw an illustrated tabloid story about Coccinelle, a gorgeous French transgender singer and dancer who had recently undergone SRS in Morocco. Although the story was lurid, it opened my eyes with a POP. I suddenly knew what I was; and so the real misery began, as I realized this constant nagging in my head was never going to disappear.

:) Lallie

[debstar]

I'm just starting out along this path so I could not even say... But the fact that I am actively exploring it at the age of 40 says perhaps I was built this way who knows? That is exactly what I am trying to figure out.

I was not playing with Barby doles in the maternity ward, the concept of transgenderism was something I fully rejected as a concept growing up when exposed to it. I rejected the concept because that's how I was brought up. I rejected it because I was rejecting my own thoughts .. ouch.

So their was no Trans or Disphoria (what ever that is) when young. Disphoria I feel is a catch all term for a variety of experiences and feelings.

I grew up a normal happy boy in a semi normal happy family environment, I did all the typical boy/man things and life was bearable. I was getting by without much trouble.

However always in the back of my mind was this idea I did not belong, I was false, or faking it. I could not have been able to say "Oh yeah I'm a transsexual" that concept did not exist. It is only in hindsight that I attribute those feelings or words to how I felt. But to be honest I'm not sure even to this day.

What I did feel was depression and anxiety and that's it !. I had no way to know if that was related to gender, I was totally out of touch with myself. This has been a long path some 30 years to come to the realization that being the wrong gender may even be the ultimate reason for why I feel so dissatisfied with myself and life - Trust me I have explored every other path.


Debs.

[jamielynn_ca]

I didn't *know* until I was 42, and I only seriously started exploring this when I was about 40. Don't believe the pop-culture narrative that says (like your therapist):




... most people ... know when you are 4-7 years old ...



While it seems like this narrative is easiest to pull off and hard to dispute, it's simply not accurate in my experience. Beyond that, I think it's actually detrimental to assert - it makes us late bloomers question, suppress, and think that there's no way it's possible since we *didn't* know at age 5. Your therapist should join my support group in Atlanta where it seems the majority actually didn't know when they were 5. More like 40 is very common in my group.




... My folks buy into the argument that you know when you were 5. ...



Yeah, as noted above, that's so much harder to refute. But avoid the temptation to adopt someone else's narrative and story, since you never know who you're talking to, and who else could be struggling deep down inside at age 40, wondering why this suddenly became so important.

Xoxo,
Jamie

[Cindy.]

Looking back...The rainbow bright bedsheets when I was 4 is an indicator. I always knew, but buried it. I lied to myself so much that even I believed it.

[MissDanielle]

I knew in middle school but kept lying to myself that I'm a guy when I'm really a girl.

[Donnagirl]

If I'm honest, it was only quite recently I 'knew' I was TS, prior to that, well I don't think I knew what I was. I do have memory fragments of dressing in my sisters clothes when very young, but living with four sisters time alone was practically non existent.
At school I do recall wanting to 'be' the girls I dated (or wanted to date) but not in a 'fantasy' way. I just wanted to experience their life... I have no recollection of anything CD, TG or TS from mid teens until mid forties. And when it hit, it hit hard... If you check out my early posts, I was totally confused as to what I was, where I was going and what the future held. I still have the very occasional WTF moment, questioning if this is real....
It is...