Transitioning and children

[AlleyKat]

I know many here do this in private, and/or on a dadt basis.

I am curious about the experiences of those that are fully out or transitioning that have pre-teen children. I have a 9yo son, and am having to give serious thought to transitioning, and one of my hang-ups is how it would affect him. (Frustratingly enough, I have to worry about his mothers' reaction as well, as she has no reserves about talking bad about me to him). I honestly think it wouldn't be bad for him, but I'd really like to hear how it went for others.

[Donnagirl]

I have three sons, the youngest 11. Whilst it is a little confusing for them, my kids are coping well. There are a few things to consider. Firstly making sure their friends (and Thiet families) are aware. I have 'surprised' a few, especially when they drop round unannounced.
Also consider how they refer to you. Mine continually call me 'dad' even when out in public. I have let them know that this is ok as it is more important to remember I will always be their dad regardless how I present. My youngest was a little worried about losing his dad initially, but he's much happier now.
I have had a family friend who's a counsellor informally chat to them just to make sure there are no concerns. So far all is ok. (School grades are actually on the rise.)
Please PM me if I you would like more details....

[Victoria Demeanor]

Hi AlleyKat,
I am guessing from your post that you and his mother are not together and there is a fair amount of animosity between you two. If you have a good relationship with your son he will love you no matter what you do and despite her bad mouthing you.
My father transitioned when I was 18 so I can give you a little perspective from a son of a Transsexual.
It was the 70’s and there was no real information out there and I think the biggest problem was he never really talked to me about this. Once we talked about Renee Richards, but he didn’t express why or that was what she was dealing with. I discovered on my own and had to confirm it with my sister as she had talk to her. It caused me to suppress my feeling out of fear and misunderstanding. It caused me to try to be uber manly which was a disaster and destroyed my first marriage. It caused me to loose touch with her for several years.
What it did not do was cause me to stop lover her as a person and as my father. In fact I have always been proud of her and still think she is the most courageous person I know. I could get into this for hours, but that is my story and my problems were of my own making out of misunderstanding.
As for you and your son my suggestion is be honest and talk with him. Get him information and answer his question. It is a different and more enlightened age and I am sure if you have a good relationship now that will continue no matter what his mother tells him.
That’s just my thoughts, and I’m here if you want to talk or have any question. Good luck with what ever path you choose to follow.

[antonyio]

I am going through the same now ,mine two girls are 14 and 16,they kind of guest ti but I haven't told them straight,i am scare of the backlash from the ex,but I think if I show them I am still the same it should be ok,the 21yr old step daughter ,shes sweet with it

[arbon]

Bad for a while with my daughter then it got better. You don't really get to control it.

[AlleyKat]

Thank you... I think I just needed to hear the positive stories... I probably won't say anything until I get a councilor but I feel much less apprehension about hrt If it is brought up. My main concern with his mother is not how he'd feel about me, but how he'd feel about himself if he goes through this.

[Teresa]

Alleykat,
It might be good to look at other TS families to see how they dealt with the situation, it's not an easy on to deal with. My CDing started at the age of nine , maybe I would be over cautious that I didn't influence another person during that period.
The question also applies through the age range, I came close to separating to dress as I chose but I then had to think how my grandchildren would react .
If TS is inevitable you can't put it off so it has to be worked round, counselling has to be one solution.

[AlleyKat]

Alleykat,
It might be good to look at other TS families...

This sums up my concerns more accurately than I was able to.

I have stayed in the closet for years in the interest of not ruining relationships (it didn't work out so well, being a more feminin male caused issues, as did the emotional strain of trying to go against my nature by acting more male.

I have read through other stories online, though 90% of them right now is about someone who left their family to live as a 6yo girl, which imho goes way beyond transgender, and am frustrated that that is what they focus on...

[Teresa]

Alleykat,
There must be support groups that will help you work through this period.

[Sky]

On a different post, somebody considering transition said he/she had not talked to his/her (grownup) kids about it, but thought they would be fine with it.

I have a problem with the "thought" part. Often times we assume how other people are going to react, and after a while manage to convince ourselves (our brains are great liars :straightface:) that the assumption is true. I say, when you're ready to go for it, do talk to him. And do not assume a 5 minutes conversation will get it done. Just like you need time to consider transition, he needs time to process the news, probably quite a bit more than yourself given how young he is. So he will probably have more questions not immediately, but after a while. Give him all the time he needs to process, understand and decide.

And finally, be prepared to accept a possible negative reaction. Many posters here (not saying you are one) consider societal acceptance as sort of a "right": but it's not. Even less when your immediate family is involved. Tolerance is one thing, nobody should be tarred and feathered, but being loved and accepted is not the same, and should not be given for granted.

[Kate T]

(Frustratingly enough, I have to worry about his mothers' reaction as well, as she has no reserves about talking bad about me to him)
Expand please? I have a 15 yr old, 9 and 5 yr old. All are cool. All deal with it differently. Only the 5 yr old will call me Kate. The other two use a mixture of Dad and Maddy. BUT I have 110% support from my partner (wife). That is the crucial bit. So are you still together as a family or not??