Dilemma,being dad,husband,woman?

[SuzyZahn]

Hi Ya all,,,long time lurker,sister,part-time participant here.First of I`m so glad this site exsists!! Not sure how to place this question,but do any of you with wives and kids fight the `demon` between being us and being `dad`,`husband`,and staying at ease between our 2 lives. I feel like im always at purgatory,,so torn at times,,,at what point or time or understanding do we or can be at ease???If possible? btw,,,life long girl since 9 or 10.,,,adoring wife allows,understands.

[Dana44]

Yeah, its a dilemma and your wife understands. It will be that way until the kids leave. My girlfriend told me today that I dress too much and that means I have to go back to manhood for a while.

[Donnagirl]

I just bit the bullet and gave in.... Now 100% girl, but still dad to the kids and husband to the wonderful SO..

[Saikotsu]

I don't have a wife or kids, but my perspective on family might be useful to you all the same:
Family is what you make of it. You can be a woman AND a dad. You can be a woman AND a husband. I have a sister. She is not related to me in any way(marriage, blood, etc.). But I fill the role of brother for her and she fills the role of sister for me. We love each other like siblings, we hate each other like siblings, but we are not biologically speaking, siblings. If you take the "man" out of father, what is left? Your definition of father may differ from mine, but I bet it includes "loving parent".
Family is what you make of it. Hope that helps.

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Rather than try to balance gender with being a husband or a father, perhaps you should focus more on just being a devoted partner and a loving parent. Nothing says a father can't wear a dress or that a husband can't be a woman.

[Stephanie Julianna]

I juggle husband, father, and grandfather and my inner woman. I'm afraid it is always purgatory. I've just lived in this state soo long I don't know any other way to live.

[Ally 2112]

I have been through the same situation at one time and it can be hard .The good thing is your wife sounds supportive so that is one good thing in your corner .Just take it day by day and do the best you can

[SuzyZahn]

yes,,,thanks for the replys,,,,,,,,I HATE PURGATORY! LOL,,,the dilemma continues

[Jenniferathome]

For me, it's easy: family first. My wife knows and supports me but I'll never put cross dressing first nor do I ever feel bad about cross dressing taking a back seat. Cross dresser is not who I am, it's just a part.

[S. Lisa Smith]

Since we are all on different points of the gender spectrum, what works for me might not work for you. I am fortunate because while I love being Lisa, I also love the male me. I can switch back and forth pretty easily. Some one who is more transgendered than I probably couldn't live or enjoy my life. My wife knows and is somewhat supportive, so I have the best of both worlds.

[SuzyZahn]

Yes,Lisa,,to switch back and forth and be accepted is a great place to be ,,,,as its me,,,but still,,,the husband,father,protector,fixer upper and all casts an unaccepting dilemma when our othersides `protrude`?,,,,,anyways ,zyz,I hate it,,,oh well,,,such as is,,,i still love being Suzy till the day I die.

[Robin414]

I get it Suzy, I'm 'gender fluid' and I find it's really tough, right now the fluid is flowing to the left (that's the side the femme stuff is on in the store 😉 )

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Suzy---thanks for the post. I'm in the same purgatory.

I adore my wife and kids, and have an excellent career that pays for a nice lifestyle (and heel collection, :battingeyelashes:) but the "pull" is always there. My wife is supportive and understanding, and fairly permissive as you will see from previous posts. She's knows it's escalating, but so far I've kept it somewhat under control.

My kids concern me too--I'd at least want them all to be adolescents before they learn dad has a peculiar pastime. My oldest is 11 and youngest 5. I'm sure by the time the youngest is a teenager, crossdressing and transgender people will be old hat, but for the moment, I don't want them to know.

I'm on the fast track at the consortium where I work, and will probably wind up as a company president soon enough. That will make things easier...because once there, I could probably "come out" and given their strident diversity program, be somewhat untouchable while I bank for a few years. Can you imagine a transgender president, and a veteran to boot? I'd be their paragon of diversity. But the timing has to be right, because if I were to get more serious about this before then, there is no way they would promote me, LOL!

Another member posted about her 10-year plan...as they become empty nesters, she'll begin to make some permanent changes to her appearance thru HRT and surgery to enhance her feminine appearance, without transitioning, at least at first. I can see myself following that very gradual glide path. The last thing I want to do is drive my wife away, or put us in the poor house, but my femme side is strong. If my wife wouldn't accept this sort of measured, gradual feminization, I'd at least want to be in a financial position to support her and the kids if she decided to pursue a new life--I mean, she would deserve that at the very least for putting up with me! But my fervent hope is that I can continue to explore my feminine side without pushing her over the edge, and yet, get better and better at looking like a woman.

Many of you may have seen on Flickr or elsewhere on the web, an amazing older gal named "Donnakelli": She's amazing, and looks so beautiful and feminine--and can you believe she's over 60? She's kept her marriage intact somehow, and goes out with her wife. I'm only 48...I could look that good in 12 years, right? I'd have to lose 50 lbs, but hey, that is a lofty goal! With her and Caitlyn as role models, I think I can follow that 10-year plan and still have some enjoyment going out in the wide world as a woman.

Of course, if my wife hits the wall and can't take it anymore...well, then I guess I'll have to reevaluate.

So, the "demon" is very real. I can fight her off for now, but not forever. And I some point I have to put my killer wardrobe to better use than Pinterest snapshots, LOL! Those dresses and heels need to be seen IRL!

Cheers

Gretchen

[Stephanie47]

I figure it is about balance. A comment was made about where one may lay on the spectrum. Back in February 2010 you posted your wife is accepting to the extent you were not engaging in other activities you shared with non cross dressing friends. I believe it is possible to become so engrossed with something that it takes over and pushing other important things aside. I've read threads where others are almost captive to their cross dressing and find it impossible to even venture into the world except for going to work. This casting aside is not limited to cross dressing. It could very well spending too much time on car restoration, fishing, hanging out with buddies in a bar.

Yes, I've been a cross dresser since age 24. I did not include dabbling in my mother's lingerie draw because I was not a committed cross dresser. I was just a kid exploring something that really had no meaning and no motivation. Now I'm hitting seventy soon. I'm on an even keel. I've always been on an even keel. That does not mean I haven't had urges due to pent up demands to be en femme as a stress reliever. I undertook the role of a husband voluntarily and have enjoyed the satisfaction of being the man my wife desired. She had no desire to be with a woman. I undertook the desire to be a father to a son and a daughter. Those roles continue. I shagged fly balls with both of them. I tossed the football around. I sat on the floor and played Barbie dolls. Wearing women's clothing does not come close to being a full time husband and father and now grandfather.

I've read your post several times. I find some degree of sadness in your choice of words; "demon" and "purgatory" Those are descriptive words that suggest turmoil and angst.

[ReineD]

,,to switch back and forth and be accepted is a great place to be ,,,,as its me,,,but still,,,the husband,father,protector,fixer upper and all casts an unaccepting dilemma when our othersides `protrude`?,,,,,anyways ,zyz,I hate it,,,oh well,,,such as is,,,

Assuming you're speaking of personality traits more than the actual dressing up, would it be so bad if you allowed your softer self to protrude? Do you need to be dressed in order to be sensitive, shed a tear, enjoy looking at a women's clothing catalogue, be afraid, or do anything else that you feel you cannot do while in husband/father/protector/fixer-upper mode?

Or do you mean that sometimes you don't feel like being the strong one? You don't always have to be strong. It's OK to be vulnerable and show it, even if you're not dressed. Maybe you think that others expect you to always be the strong one, but if you asked them they might well say otherwise.

I apologize if I've missed the mark, but you didn't give a lot of details to go on.

[mechamoose]

I was about to say pretty much the same thing as ReineD said, but she beat me to it }:>

Allow yourself to make the lines a little fuzzier. I don't know how 'grizzly' you are, so I can't give you suggestions on how to slide in some female clothing into yoru day to day.. I mean, women's clothing isn't all dresses.

I'm 'Mom' in our household, purely out of personality traits. I freely blend male & female clothing, and all my kids know and are cool with it.

<3

- MM

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Suzy:daydreaming:, That' the cross that we chose to bare ,
The girls are grown and have their own family's My Wonderful:love:wife who is DA/DT tolerates my dressing
and I know my boundaries and stay within them and life is wonderful. ~~...:daydreaming:...

[JMO2]

I have been there for 9 years now.....almost feel like a part of me is dying........
I do dress but so rarely JMO is like a distant thought...........:sad:


yes,,,thanks for the replys,,,,,,,,I HATE PURGATORY! LOL,,,the dilemma continues

[audreyinalbany]

I'd have to agree 100% with what Jen said: "For me, it's easy: family first. ….. I'll never put cross dressing first nor do I ever feel bad about cross dressing taking a back seat. Cross dresser is not who I am, it's just a part."

[carhill2mn]

I suspect that nearly all of us that are or were in a situation like yours have felt similar pressures, misgivings, resentments, etc. One has to decide which priorities are the most important and do the best that you can.

[Lorileah]

N.B. I chose to live as a male for years because I thought my wife would be more comfortable with it and she did let me "dress" if I wanted and when I wanted. So this may be a little off for the OP.

You may think it's purgatory, you may think it's hell. You may not be happy that you have to keep this hidden. But think about this for a minute because this is what happened to me. In a flash your spouse could be gone. You think it's purgatory living with her rules, try thinking what it's like living without her totally. Your dressing purgatory will be lifted, your real life purgatory may just begin.

You know sometimes we make choices. Right now you choose to stay in purgatory. You stay because of a myriad of reasons. But right now it is a choice. I know that people come here and "vent" a lot. They like to see themselves as a victim. Yeah, life is hard, we all know that. But realize, sometimes, being a little purgatory is better than the alternative

[JMO2]

N.B. I chose to live as a male for years because I thought my wife would be more comfortable with it and she did let me "dress" if I wanted and when I wanted. So this may be a little off for the OP.

You may think it's purgatory, you may think it's hell. You may not be happy that you have to keep this hidden. But think about this for a minute because this is what happened to me. In a flash your spouse could be gone. You think it's purgatory living with her rules, try thinking what it's like living without her totally. Your dressing purgatory will be lifted, your real life purgatory may just begin.

You know sometimes we make choices. Right now you choose to stay in purgatory. You stay because of a myriad of reasons. But right now it is a choice. I know that people come here and "vent" a lot. They like to see themselves as a victim. Yeah, life is hard, we all know that. But realize, sometimes, being a little purgatory is better than the alternative

Yes I agree with you BUT some of that personality BECAUSE of crossdressing is GONE. The friend and partner that you had (speaking of her not me) is gone because of not dressing. I have seen this personally in my case. I have chose this and I know I wouldn't change it but "I DID".........:sad:

[Tina_gm]

interesting description, purgatory. I too feel a sense of gender purgatory at times. A lot of times actually. Not ever quite male or female. Both seem to want to be the dominant force. As a husband/father, I definitely enjoy both roles immensely. My wife is aware of my CDing, so she does see some of my feminine side. (not dressed) but I allow her to see the real me as far as my personality and any feminine traits and mannerisms I have that occur naturally. Still, I enjoy being her husband too. As for being a father, I just cannot imagine giving up the relationship I have as their father. Yet, there is a strong part of my core which, maybe not truly female, but definitely feminine enough that I feel very much connected and aligned with females. I feel a strong sense of comfort when I dress, and in women's sections of stores, I feel very much as if I belong there. As if those stores were meant for me. It is a conflict of sorts no doubt.

[Pat]

I'm thinking the sense of purgatory is self-inflicted perhaps because you're still thinking there's a standard you should be following that you're not living up to in some way. There is no standard. There's just who you are. "Dad" is a title bestowed for life; nothing you can do can change the fact that you are someone's Dad. You don't have to be John Wayne or Bruce Willis to be someone's Dad. The attributes that matter about Dadhood have nothing to do with gender. You have to love, protect, guide and honor your child. That's all. I'm very proud to be my kids' Dad.

Husband is similar in that classic manliness isn't really a part of the job description. Unlike Dad, it is a title that can be revoked and sadly mine was decades ago but until that happened, I fulfilled the duties faithfully and have no regrets nor sense that my vacillating gender identity was the cause of any of the problems.

Crossdresser is an adjective that can modify Husband or Dad. It doesn't change the role of either, it just says there's more to you. It's kind of like adding a color adjective to, say, a scarf. You can have a red scarf or a blue scarf but it's still a scarf and does what scarves do (whatever that is.) And as adjectives go, it isn't a bad one -- not like drunken or neglectful. Relax. Accept yourself. Don't worry about what you "should" be -- just be who you are.

Edit:OK, I just re-read that and, no, I was not saying there are drunken or neglectful scarves out there. I apologize to any scarves that may have been offended. I was thinking of those terms being applied to husbands or Dads. :o

[Eryn]

A few years ago my .sig line read "as female as possible under the circumstances." That still applies. That does not mean that I'm not "Dad" to my daughters. Dad may be in a dress, but they'll never lose Dad!

Similarly, I will always be Mimi's husband. Everyone evolves, but that does not need to change relationships if the parties involved want them to continue.

[Sky]

I'm probably in the minority here but the Biblical terminology sounds too melodramatic to me. "Hell", "purgatory", really? Is it that bad? Of course we all make compromises to find the best possible solution, and sometimes realize what we picked wasn't that great so we have to change it. So there, change it and live a little. Cd'ing should be a good thing. And being poked by horned demons does not sound too good to me.

[SuzyZahn]

Thanks all for your great responses.Reading them is enlightening. I guess what I`m portraying for myself as far as `purgatory ` goes,,,isn`t so much as a `hell` related issue but is closer to `angst` as was described in an earlier reply is that I enjoy both sides of my personnas emmensely, and at times when my fem side needs to be expressed I`m not able to present that due to family/work issues, but theres never that problem when I have to present in male mode. Life just isn't fair at times,such is life.This is just a `feeling` that I was presenting. As a life long `Gal`,Im fortunate to have an accepting and understanding wife that gives me plenty of `mytime`, couldn`t ask for anymore there,but she doesn`t help my `purgatory` when she says I` a nicer person and easier to talk with when im in girl mode!AAAARGGGHH:)

[Angie G]

I'm good with the wife she is great about my dressing and even helps and sometimes buys thing I may like. y two grown kids don't know.:hugs:
Angie