Anyone have much luck staying the wrong gender?

[Cindy.]

We're currently in the process of moving near the ocean, I've been offered a great job, she's getting a great job lined up, and things are looking up for us. Except, I'm finally coming to terms with who I've always been. I've lied to myself, and to her. Staying male would keep my marriage intact and externally I'd have a great life. But I've hated my body for years and its only getting worse. Has anybody stayed their original gender and been happy enough with it to justify it?

[dreamer_2.0]

Summary: Who cares what others have done successfully or not? Could YOU remain happy in your assigned gender?

Long version: Everyone is different so I'm certain there are some who can muster the strength (if that's what it's called) to remain in their assigned gender. How they've felt with themselves and their life as a result would be subjective. If one person has done it then that suggests it's possible for others to do it too. However, contrary to that, just because one person has done it, successfully, that doesn't guarantee the same result for you.

Like you're doing here, I often research whether other people have done something or not, to at least gauge the likelihood of success. The biggest thing I've learned? People are diverse creatures with a huge range of experiences. This conclusion wasn't overly helpful. Sure, I could see overcoming challenges as possible for others but did that also mean the same for me, personally? So rather than directing my question outwards, I'm working on directing it inwards. How likely do I see myself moving in this direction or that? Considering different outcomes, how would I likely feel with myself? If the outcome is negative, will I be able to maintain a pleasant exterior? How will this affect others in my life, not just me?

I too wondered, and still have moments, whether it was possible to stay as my assigned gender and live a happy fulfilled life. Has this been possible for others? What was the outcome?

The most pertinent answers I found based on personal research and personal experience were:

- GD affects us all, to different degrees
- GD has been with me since childhood and getting worse with age, not better
- Some people transition in their 70s and above, suggesting they've lived with their struggles a very long time
- Knowing this, GD would almost certainly be with me until my death bed, it will never go away...
- I was more interested in dying than living with my GD

Based on these thoughts, I strongly believe that I personally would NOT have succeeded remaining in my assigned gender despite the successes or failures of others. And so my journey began.

So, let me reverse your question and ask, based on your life, how much does GD affect you now? How has it effected your past? You're married, moving by the ocean, both you and your wife have great jobs lined up. Externally, as you put it, you've got it made. But internally, you mention the struggles.

How will these struggles look in 5 years? 10? 20? Will YOU be able to continue lying without it tearing you apart? Could you do small things like bits of makeup, doing your nails, under-dressing, or whatever, to help stifle your internal struggles? How long will you be able to maintain that?

Considering those questions for myself,

- I am not married but couldn't see myself marrying a woman while suffering from GD
- My current job is far from great, but I knew even being in a great job wouldn't be fulfilling living with GD
- Small things to help GD (nails, makeup, underdressing) exacerbated my GD so they definitely didn't help
- GD is everywhere, like the Dark Side of the Force. It permeated every aspect of life, I likely wouldn't have been able to maintain the facade for another 5 years, or even 2 years...

But really, who cares about my own experiences, what about yours? Can YOU continue living a "great" life in your assigned gender?

[STACY B]

Hate to say this and I know I will regret it but Most do,, Not as many Transition as you think,, It's the ones that do that are here,, What do you thinks wrong with all the violent criminals and Drunks and Drug addicts and so on an on in this world,, Not saying all of them are Trans but I bet a fair amount of them are. Most people can't deal with this and don't want to,, It is easier to stay the way you were and continue to abuse substances and try and fit in,, I would have still been with them if I hadn't got sick from it.

But most do not make it through the addictions and end up DEAD !!

[Cindy.]

I tend to abuse alcohol when I'm too stressed out. Things get rough really quickly. I've never thought about that possibility. I wonder what percent of people would identify with some level of dysphoria in a blind study....

[Rianna Humble]

There is almost no evidence for or against Stacy's assertion but I disagree whether it is most transsexuals who do not transition.

Where I do agree, though, is that most people who successfully stave off Gender Dysphoria are unlikely to be posting in this forum even if they are alive.

[LoriFlores]

It has been a difficult road with real frustrations every day. However, it is possible, you just have to totally focus on what you do have in life and not so much on what you don't have.

[PaulaQ]

No success here. If your dysphoria is sufficiently bad, you will transition, or die.

[Contessa]

I wish I could say what Stacy said.

[Zooey]

I thought I was having lots of luck with it for the first 35 years of my life. Once I started to seriously explore and accept myself though, things started to change VERY quickly. My signature line is about coming out, but to me that includes coming out to myself as well. I thought I was happy, at least most of the time. Turns out, I didn't actually know what TRULY being happy felt like. Now I do.

The flip side, of course, is that I also know what real pain feels like now. I'm glad I made the decision to transition when I did, because I now know for certain that things would eventually have gotten much worse for me, and I managed to avoid a lot of that. There are lots of little things that hurt all the time, but I'd much rather feel deeply alive with a metaphorical pebble in my shoe than walk around numb to actual feelings.

[Marcelle]

Hi Cindy,

Very akin to what Zooey said, it wasn't until I accepted me for who I am that I could finally live being who I needed to be. My wife and I are still together and she accepts Marcelle into the relationship because while the presentation has changed the person remained the same . . . same likes, wants, hopes, desires. Now when say staying the "wrong gender" I guess some could arguably state I have remained my "birth gender" in that I have socially transitioned (live as a woman full time) but I have no desire to change my physical self either through HRT or surgery. I like my body as it is and have accepted that I am a woman albeit with male physiology and yes, I fool nobody when I am at work or living my life but I am fine with that. However, I could not go back to living as a male as it would be too emotionally draining and likely lead me back down a very dark pathway.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Kris Avery]

that most people who successfully stave off Gender Dysphoria are unlikely to be posting in this forum even if they are alive.

Hey, I resemble that remark. Seriously, perhaps Rianna is correct....

Or, its also possible that those who find a way to cope using other strategies not normally employed...are looking for some level of acceptance or validation by other members in the community and simply grow tired of getting ripped apart for their unique ideas - that happen to work in their particular case.

I do my personal best to respect individuality, fresh ideas, and new ways of thinking/coping. It's an ongoing process and I still fail daily. It is my intention to love and accept and not fail.

Further, I will say that historically - no matter the marginalized group - most in that group don't realize it's very hard to be accepted as legitimate in the normative world - if a majority in that particular group can't show the same love, compassion, and understanding of their own members that they are asking of others in the normative world.

Alternatively, perhaps this moving on and not posting often is just part of the natural progression.

Wendy

[melissaK]

and been happy enough with it to justify it?

That is soooo subjective. In the end you must find your own level of happiness.

I came out of my closet a few years back, aiming at transitioning, and I found once I was open and honest about myself my world view and what I wanted changed. Being in the closet talking to yourself is distorting. So, once out, I forged a new relationship with my wife. It was not easy, she had to buy into it (no such thing as a unilateral relationship). I did not want and still do not want a full transition, it just isn't me. But neither was living as a stereotypical guy. So I live in a middle place I have created.

I have long hair and dress a bit eccentric but pass it off by hanging out with heavy metal music sub culture where gender bending is common. I am on HRT for almost a decade now, and it helps, a LOT. But impairs traditional M-F sex (matters to my wife) and I have B cup breasts that I hide or don't hide, depending on who, where, when, etc . . . From what I can tell, hormone balance is a real person by person thing. Dropping T levels really controlled dysphoria for me and made my life bearable.

Rhianna and Wendy O are forum veterans. They are right that "middle ground" posters here are few, we tend to leave. Thus the opinions here have historically favored transition. We leave because there is a bias toward ostracizing those who argue for, or claim to have found, a satisfying middle path. I consider myself about as transgender as they come, but others here have disagreed, for example revoking my invitation to participate in the transitioning forum. GRS is/was a required objective and when I posted I wanted a middle path without SRS - access was revoked without any advance discussion about it with me. No hard feelings here, it is the mods forum to run as they see fit, and I can live with that. This forum was hugely helpful to me in my search for myself, and I thank the forum mods for running this site. Just note the bias.

I wish you the best Cindy . . . you will find your path.

[PretzelGirl]

I thought I was happy, at least most of the time. Turns out, I didn't actually know what TRULY being happy felt like. Now I do

I really like this, but want to modify it a little for me. I thought I was happy and I was right. Turns out, being real made me know what being even happier was!


. GRS is/was a required objective and when I posted I wanted a middle path without SRS - access was revoked without any advance discussion about it with me. No hard feelings here, it is the mods forum to run as they see fit, and I can live with that. This forum was hugely helpful to me in my search for myself, and I thank the forum mods for running this site. Just note the bias.

Something might be getting misinterpreted. I don't believe GRS/SRS is a requirement for any forum. I don't see it here: announcement (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/faq.php?faq=pf#faq_safe_haven) and haven't seen it anywhere else.

[Rianna Humble]

You are correct, Sue. Surgery is not a requirement and Melissa knows that full well. To use a popular neologism, she was being economical with the truth.

Any member who is transitioning or has transitioned Male to Female is welcome to apply for access to the Safe Haven for Male to Female Transsexuals if they meet the other criteria in the FAQ to which your post links.

[PaulaQ]

Regarding happiness. I didn't transition because I thought it'd make me happy. I hoped it would, but really all I cared about was getting relief from the agonizing gender dysphoria I felt. At the point I transitioned, suicide seemed like a good strategy for pain management...

Turns out, though, I am happy! :)

As a guy, I never felt happy. Hell I never felt normal...

[Cindy.]

Thanks for the input everyone! My wife and I are heavy into pinterest, and I've been sending her cute clothes pins along with sharing stuff about unconditional acceptance and finding inner happiness. If I still feel this strongly in 3 years when I get out of the military I'll probably start the transition process and I don't think she'll be surprised at all. You're all wonderful, and I deeply appreciate the constructive advice from everyone.

[Heidi Stevens]

Howdy Cindy, I am trying to stay on that narrow path as I progress in my life. I've been on HRT for 9 months now and things involving the Dysphoria have really settled down. The only reason I continue to present myself as male is my love for my wife. She has told me that she will only tolerate a few things or she will leave. I get to dress when she is not around, l have managed to find an HRT level that makes me happy and leaves me looking like a 60 year old male for her, and a couple of times a year I get to attend gatherings where my female side gets to stay around for more than a few hours at a time.
So far this is working for both of us. We are both happy. I also know that should she leave my life, I will progress in my transition to the point of living female all the time. But I feel no pressure to do so at this time. We are together and at peace.

[I Am Paula]

I tried for too many years to hold onto my old gender. I was convinced I would find the perfect balance of crossdressing, being femme, and other stop gap measures. I was only fooling myself. I was a woman, and my male act was running out of time. Others have lived a long life with GD. I could not.

[MissDanielle]

I fooled myself into thinking I was a guy for the longest time. Nope. I'm a girl.

[Christina Kay]

Melissa was somewhat near target about that one area of forum , for middle panthers. I didn't post enough, 6 month rule... Yes guilty of that. But once I pleaded my case , and unfortunately mentioned the dreaded mid pather. Was deemed not qualified for that area. Though going through a very slow transition(hrt, living female at home) ,wanting to keep my marriage intact. But this is my choice.
The sad part is , I was learning and understanding more about myself from that area of the forum, from others heart felt posts and responses. It helped me cope. I feel like there's no place to turn to now. I feel like I'm languishing. Staying one gender , when your really another. Requires so much more work,it's draining emotionally and physically. That sometimes some people don't realize , how one little area of a forum, can be the difference .
Best wishes Cindy.
Happy Holidays and Cheers ,,,,,Christina

[sterusjon]

Cindy,

To reply to your question "Has anybody stayed their original gender and been happy enough with it to justify it?" I will say "I'm trying." I am walking along the edge of this cliff, trying very hard not to fall into the abyss. While, it seems, I do not object to my male form as much as you, I do wish it were not what it is. My craving is to be perceived as female. Treated as female. Experience life as female. Things more related to the psychological aspects of being me.

I have been married for more than 47 years to the same woman and I am trying my best to honor that original commitment as well as the shared life since. My crossdressing has been an open secret since very early in our marriage. I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, an extrovert. Personal conversations initiated by me just don't happen. I suppose that the shame for what I hold inside has been largely responsible for that. Anyway, several years ago now, I came to a crisis and disclosed to my wife the true extent, as I then understood it, of the real nature of the crossdressing. Since that time, she has been on board with some parameters. Our daughter is not to know. I was OK with that at the time. I am less so now. While I will not violate the parameter, I now think I would welcome the conversation if my daughter connected the dots and initiated it herself. Our friends are not to know. The solution is frequent, extended trips, together as "sisters-in-law" (my wife is married to my idiot of a twin brother) , away from home that are immersed-feminine for me. For the present, it is largely working. I am mostly content and, while my wife, who would likely not miss Stephanie if one morning she were no longer around, gets enough of the male-role aspects of me to be content as well.

I would like to echo Melissa's and Christina's comments on the betweenness of our circumstances. I am not "just a crossdresser." I mean no disrespect by that term. It is just that much/most of what is discussed in crossdresser's forum is not of particular interest to me anymore. Early on it was important. I came here to discover myself. That section served its purpose for me. I was not, am not now and likely never will be a chit-chatty person. Way to introverted for that to ever happen. So, I am not a particularly active participant in any of the several Internet forums I frequent. I understand, even appreciate, the need to police this venue for trolls. It took a long time and a specific effort on my part to make even ten posts. I say this for perspective. The transsexual section is valuable to me because it is more in tune with what I need. I am, in my opinion, a transsexual who is trying to navigate a compromise path. That said, I do not feel particularly welcome as a participant in this section because I have chosen to try the compromise route. I need a venue that feels comfortable (I feel out of place) and topics that are relevant to my circumstance to make me even consider exposing my inner being. This OP was such a topic that overcame the venue itself.

Stephanie

[karenpayneoregon]

I tried to remain male, thought early on I had no choice and lived with it until I simply could not anymore. My two therapist had me pegged immediately as female and had no convincing to do on my part. Both said "why did you wait this long", I can't go into the reasons here because the topic is not welcome here but safe to say I left what was holding me back to a thing of the past. First letter was written in three visits for therapist one who is female to male, second one concurred with the first one in four or five visits to the fact she would write my letter. I truly believe I hid the female inside well but now people tell me they saw right through me because of body and facial features although I never and to be honest never recognize these things other than having somewhat of female hips.

I was never a cross-dresser, I was always female with the incorrect body parts.

[Eryn]

I managed to fool everyone, including myself, that I was a guy. I did it for 50 years.

Of course I lived with a lot of internal conflict that I couldn't resolve because I refused to even consider it.

So, if you are truly TG and you decide to suppress it you can look forward to a rather miserable life. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

[CarlaWestin]

"Has anybody stayed their original gender and been happy enough with it to justify it?"

Maybe I'm just a traditional non-transsexual crossdresser. I so enjoy my fem time and I get really comfortable when I get protracted long events of just being female. But, I appreciate the ease of life as my male self. I would really have to have everything else arranged to run on autopilot to actually go fem 24/7. With my OEM male brain, things are just easier in male existence. And that male gets a lot of respect for affording the finances and domicile structure to facilitate this females adventures.

So, to answer your question. Yes, happy enough. As a matter of fact, I'm tickled pink!

[Claire Cook]

Hi Cindy,

I’m not sure how to answer your question about being in the “wrong” gender because I – perhaps mistakenly – think I have elements of both genders. From my earliest memories of wearing girls’ clothes and wanting to put on Alice’s pinafore and follow her down the rabbit-hole, I knew that I had a strong female side to my persona. Now – into my 7th decade and after 47 years of a great marriage – I am comfortable presenting as either gender. If anything, I am more comfortable being female, but I do the man stuff fine. (If I have the choice, it’s female.) Perhaps I am combining the male and female aspects of my personality more and more. Although I am reminded of one of Eryn’s recent posts when she was in male mode and excluded from receiving a necklace. At Christmas in northern VA my cousin Joan brought out her collection of rings for the women in the family to choose. I definitely felt left out, but then again I’ve not come out to them.

Perhaps my GID is not serious, and even though I would rather present as a woman and do so as often as I can, yes, there are some of us who do manage this balance.

[Jennifer Hopkins]

Hy Eryn.
Yes i know how that feels. Myselfs been married for 40 years and hav mostly been able to hide it but at some cost to my sanity. Two breakdowns, three times attempted suiside, being on antidepressants for many years and now at the age of 58 i am slowly mustering up strength to take the next steps needed. I just wish the Internet was around when i was 18 years old and i would not be in this position now. All i know at the moment that i will lose my family and wife and that will be hard but i have to do something to be true to my self FINALLY

[Jae]

I hardly ever post on this site especially as the last time I did I upset quite a few of you. So please forgive me for that. What has promted me today was reading a couple of posters who have been married for 47 years just like me. My disphoria is mostly about my body and not being honest with others as to who I really am. Many do know about Jae and a number have met me as Jae. I am luckier than many as I go out as Jae with my wife reasonably often, but my wife and I have agreed a sort of compromise that she can live with and I can just about bear. Probably the major reason why I haven't transitioned despite the terrible pain it would cause my wife is that she is not from my own country and has no family and few friends of her own. I just can't be that cruel. What has helped was going onto hormones a few years ago. Like a number of you I worry a lot about my sanity and whether I can manage to continue living as a man. I hope for her sake I can somehow carry on.

[JenniferZ2009]

Iv'e tried to go back to being male but found I was very unhappy in the process. I got more and more angry and hulk smash as I went. I could not stay male when I started and when I tried to go back I could not. One of the main reasons I wanted to go back was due to it being easier in society to not be trans bu I found I needed to accept who I am