Every day I am asking myself, why cant.i be normal

[Jennifer Hopkins]

Every day i am having the same feelings of wanting to be like other women i see in the streets and shops. I want to wear the clothes, accessories and makeup they are wearing. I want to be them. Since i can remember i have always looked at women enviously but have always been ashamed and hidden my feelings from the outside world.
Now i am 58 and i keep asking myself, why cant i be normal and just be happy to live my life as i have been for 58 years. Why is our society so narrow minded?

[EllieMayxxx]

I feel exactly the same

[Debra Russell]

Honey, join the crowd - it's a bit&ch but keep on reading we are all here for the same reason - looking for the right way to deal with this little problem with out going nuts - hopefully you settle into a grove that gives you a sense of will being....and yes I know and experience the same .......................................Debra

[Rachel Smith]

I transitioned and now I am "normal" at least for me.

[MarciManseau]

There is no such thing as normal.

[dreamer_2.0]

Forgive me but, it really grinds my gears when people say stuff like this and it almost certainly does not help the OP.

[Dawn cd]

I know it bothers you Dreamer_grl, but Marci is really right: "normal" is merely a statistical reality. None of us are totally normal. We are all "off" in some direction or another, and it's those parts of us that are "off" that make us interesting and unique. Jennifer shouldn't want to be normal; she should want to be fully Jennifer. She will be endlessly frustrated if she looks at other women and wants to be them. She needs to be the woman she can be.

[Robin414]

What the heck is 'normal' hon?
Here's a 'man'
255182

Here's a 'woman':
255183

I'm somewhere in the middle and ya know what, I think it's 'normal' and the folks I interact with appear to as well...YMMV obviously but just offering encouragment and support.

[Eryn]

Five years ago I felt pretty much the same way as you. The world was unfair, women got to wear all the nice things, etc.

It took time and practice, but these days the world treats me pretty good. I'm not full time yet, but most of the time I am recognized and treated as a woman. In fact, I'm sometimes surprised that I am acknowledged as a woman even when I'm in a T-shirt and jeans with no makeup.

I found that most of the conflict was in my own head. It was telling me what I couldn't do. It was wrong.

[Jennifer Hopkins]

Yes Eryn you are probably right but at the moment i am feeling really down and tiery i just could cry.
I want to be my real self but having so many things going on in my head. Being 58, my body shape, my deep voice it just seems so impossible. I know when i am dressed i feel so happy and normal but and never want to hange back to my male side. It just seems so imposible also with having a wife and grown up children. I know I am gefting to the stage where i have to make a decision cor my own sanity. I am just so low at the moment and i hate myself for not being the so called normal. I just want the daily thoughts in my head to stop. I know i am a women and have been as long as i can remember. I have made the decision to see a gender specialist in the new year i just have enough of feeling so wrong.

[Marcelle]

Hi Jennifer,

You are taking a good first step by seeing a gender identity therapist in the New Year, this person should help to bring a bit of order to the chaotic things going through your mind and focus you. The key thing to remember is be honest with your therapist as it is the only way she/he can help you. Also don't expect this person to make decisions for you, a good therapist will focus you and guide you along the path to self discovery. I won't sugar coat this as it does nobody any good, this is a hard road you are about to travel and you will have some serious life altering decisions to make should you discover you are indeed TS and wish to transition. Heck I am only a few kilometers down the road and it has been difficult. However, the hardest acceptance battle you will have to fight is self acceptance as being comfortable in one's own skin is what should bring as sense of normalcy to your life again.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Eryn]

Being 58, my body shape, my deep voice it just seems so impossible. I know when i am dressed i feel so happy and normal but and never want to hange back to my male side. It just seems so imposible also with having a wife and grown up children. I know I am gefting to the stage where i have to make a decision cor my own sanity.

Coincidentally, I am your age, 6'2", and have a wife and grown children. Five years ago I was depressed and couldn't imagine how my desire to be myself could ever be realized.

I was very lucky to have some good friends and an amazing wife who prompted me to explore my options. It turns out that the world was not nearly as hostile as I imagined it to be.

Going to a therapist is a good start. Make sure your spouse is also in the loop. I've seen marriages go both ways, depending on the desires of the spouse. Many of us are lucky and have spouses who see us as unique individuals and our marriages tend to evolve and, for the most part, grow closer. Other spouses seem to be married to the manly image of their husband and they do not adapt as well.

Above all, talk to someone about your feelings and issues. If you keep them inside they will just fester and grow more sour. This is the voice of experience speaking!

[Brooklyn]

I know you're going to see a gender therapist, but your first task will be to get out of severe depression so that you can make good decisions. When you're in a cycle of negative thinking, you will do anything to make it stop. Some of the things that helped me were keeping a journal, making a transition plan looking out several years, going to have coffee with friends as much as possible, and so on. You can browse the old forums posts and start answering questions for yourself. There are many risks and trade-offs to transition. It is within reach, but it will take all you have to do it successfully.

[Jennifer Hopkins]

Many many thanks to all you lovely girls for responding to my post. And yes most of the replies where very helpful and encouraging. I am trying at tbe moment to sum up the courage and having a chat/discussion with my wife. Just waiting for the right moment.
I know what i am and have to now sort it out. Hopefully when i finally see the therapist i can get it confirmed.
I have read in forums that by taking a low dose of hormones & t-blockers one can reduce the feelings of GD and if that happens than that is a good indication that you are TG.
I have been able to get my hands on some Estrogen and Spiro and will be starting on a low dose to see if it will make me feel better.
Called the Therapists office today and was told there will be a long waiting list as he has cut his hours,SHIT. There's not much in the way of choice where I live. Receptionists told me but the last time you saw him was 5 years ago. Yes i managed to hold myself together for that time. But i have had enough. I am so feed up dressing in secret and pretending that all is ok.
Dressing in secret and having to hide it all and pretend i am not CDing and having to hiding my real feelings just because others think it's perverted/dirty/sick it hurts so much. Sorry about this runt. I have no one else to vent to.
I just want to be happy again on the inside and not pretend anymore, it's to hard.