Christmas guilt for the family

[JanePeterson]

Happy holidays everyone...

I think this may be my first post in this section of the forum... So I'd like to start by saying hi and how much it means to have this community to learn from and draw support!
Been telling the members of my immediate family that I'm transgendered... They're scattered all over so it's been one by one over the phone, but I can't help but feel I'm ruining everyone's life by coming clean - parents especially have always been "proud" of me (as the child without issues mostly) but this will change all that. And why do I feel so ashamed still? I didn't ask for this, but I'm still filled with shamefulness when I think about what these changes are going to do to my wife and career....

Family has been very accepting also thank Goodness... I can only imagine what it must be like when that isn't the case...

Thanks, just crying a few tears into my internet pillow this morning,

Hope everyone has a great holiday full of friends and good food!!

Love,

Jane

[I Am Paula]

Thanks for the Holiday wishes.
Yup, you're in a tough spot. I think you will find that after some digesting time, your family will be with you. A family's love is unconditional, but a shock to their system takes some time.
Two things to remember-
You did not choose this, and you cannot undo it.
Guilt is a self induced emotion.
Merry Christmas.

[MissDanielle]

My brother has been warming up to my really being his big sister but my parents just aren't there yet. My closest friends and some family know and accept me for who I am.

I sadly still live at home but once I move, I am going as full time as it can get.

[Robin414]

Hi Jane, I feel your pain hon! It's not all bad though, I justify the fact I'm a TG woman with the fact I've always been into fashion...I'm just altering my style...you're not CD/TG...you're just being a 'fluid' guy, It's cool! (Yah, I'm not a 'guy' either but I fake it when nessesary 😉 )

[Dana44]

I'm glad your family is mostly accepting. You have a great Christmas Jane. It is far better to do it this way than being exposed by an ex-wife. My sister still does not talk to me. Hope your holiday is great!

[prene]

You are a lucky person.

Thanks for the Holiday wishes, Hope the new Year is good to you.

Prene

[JanePeterson]

thanks everyone... after my momentary petulance, i am now feeling really grateful for my life and how things that are so much worse for others are better for me - hope santa finds you all tonight!!

xoxoxo


jane

[dreamer_2.0]

Hi Jane, welcome to this section of the forum. You posted some very familiar thoughts, the feeling of guilt for ruining others lives by coming clean. theres another thread around here discussing coming clean as not being our fault yet totally our fault. If we hadn't come out then the lives around us would be unaffected. Yet, we came out and now there's all this crazy fuss.

They're hard thoughts to stifle but remember, we have very little, if any, responsibility for how others respond/react to our truth. We can do what we can to try and ease the blow, but in the end, we are still trans and have uncharted waters to sail with major people in our lives. It's a huge challenge, one I, as well as others on the forum, are working on with varying degrees of success.

My parents and one of my two sisters are very supportive, they've shown me what love really is and it's left me stunned on more than one occasion. Yet, despite their support, I know they're facing their own challenges in sharing my situation with extended family and their friends. Considering their strong religious background they are quite certain they will lose some of their own friends which is heartbreaking because they shouldn't suffer because of me. Yet, again, it's not our responsibility for how their friends react. I feel terrible for the struggles theyre facing as it would likely be different had I not come out.

My second, and eldest, sister and her husband are completely against my transition and there's been a division in the family since they found out. Again, it's not my responsibility for their response.

I say the response of others is not our responsibility, but I don't mean to imply we should simply move forward without caring what others think. Some argue we shouldn't allow the reaction of others to influence us, though I think I disagree. I believe they're correct in that the reactions of others shouldn't dissuade us from moving forward, but I feel we have a responsibility for our own personal responses to their response. I feel the reactions of others allow us to analyze and figure out the best next step to help both them and ourselves. That may involve avoiding the people in question for a while, or maybe trying to find a middle ground with said people.

We may disagree on some things, leading to some guilt and tension, but I believe we should still be able to find some common ground to help maintain, or perhaps even strengthen, the relationship.

Taking my sister and her husband as an example, rather than reacting to their negative response, I've chosen to remain silent and feel it best to show them this path is right for me by my actions. I anticipate this taking some time, but rather than letting their negativity dissuade me, I'm trying to keep it on the sidelines to approach when I'm stronger as myself, as a woman.

You have made some amazing steps, you've hit the ball to their side of the court and they've hit it back, what do you think the next best play would be to help others and yourself?

I hope this all made sense...

And, as an aside, your avatar pic is super cute. :)

[Suzanne F]

I never feel shame about being me anymore . However, there are layers of guilt that keep coming up. I see my wife experiencing hardship due to my transition and it stings. I hate that I have had to choose to take care of myself at her expense at times. Yes she has chosen to stay and accepts my decision. It also hurts when I see good friends and family struggle to be with me in public. I wish I could take away their awkwardness for them. In the end though we cannot control the world. We have to decide to live our authentic lives and try to do it in a loving way.
Suzanne

[PaulaQ]

How could you possibly ruin everyone's life by coming out to them? Are you running around, embezzling all their money? Are you showing up at their place of employment, speaking to their manager, telling them you are that relative's transgender mistress, and complaining about domestic abuse?

Stuff like that directly affects them, and could ruin their lives. If you really mean "they ruin their own lives by overreacting to my coming out," then sure I can see that.

The friends I have who rejected me seem to be just fine. My ex-wife's life is arguably ruined, but she didn't have to kick me out. I offered all manner of accommodations, including my moving to the guest room, letting her find a boyfriend, etc. Of course you could argue that her life isn't ruined if she could find a way to be ok with working, and not having the same standard of living we shared together. (Hey, she asked me to leave - that had consequences beyond my control.) She could also stop ruining her own life by ceasing to be upset whenever something good happens for me.

If someone allows their life to feel ruined because of changes, they are petty much assured ruination. Their are plenty of people who survive much more drastic events than a transitioning spouse who manage to live lives that aren't ruined.

[Starling]

After resolving our own issues of shame and guilt, and plotting out the legal, medical and financial steps required for a successful transition, I think the biggest impediment a transgender person faces on the hard road is other people's shame. They're afraid our gender status will reflect poorly on them; in other words, what will the neighbors think? It seems to me that too many people would rather see another suffer a lot, than to feel even minor discomfort themselves. On top of that, even cis-people have their own demons. If you have friends and loved ones who accept you fully, and aren't embarrassed to be seen with you in public, you must honor them, cherish them, burnish them to a high gloss.

:) Lallie