Repressed memories- support from my wife

[Cindy.]

This morning I woke up reliving a repressed memory. I've always remembered having rainbow bright bedsheets when I was 3-4. But I blocked out my father beating me badly enough that they thought I died. His goal was to beat the girl out of me. Looking back, I remember getting in trouble for looking at Barbies in stores. And I remember them arguing about what to do if I died. But now everything makes more sense. I shared the story with my wife this morning and she was very receptive. It also seems like she's starting to accept my female side more too. Has anyone else had memories like this show up 30 years later?

[MissDanielle]

Since I came to last month, I have remembered so much from middle school...all of which came after meeting with my therapist. I didn't know what to make of things so I just lived in denial.

[KellyJameson]

We are taught to reject ourselves through the violence done to this self. Usually it is being shamed but often it is beatings.

I was shamed but fortunately did not experience physical violence. It is difficult to live without a good opinion of oneself so we repress and disassociate. The farther you lean toward "the girl" in childhood the more likely some form of violence was used against you to "correct the problem"

I disassociated and repressed my female identity which lead to many peculiar behaviors. They were not peculiar behaviors in hindsight because I was simply trying to be or become what I knew myself to be without consciously knowing it.

For me it was like having two distinct people inside one head and each was vying for control. When puberty started and hair growth commenced I did not experience that proud association with the hair as being symbolic of entering manhood but started waxing it because I strongly preferred how my skin looked when it was hairless.

I once at a dance club tied my shirt in a knot to expose my midriff because that was what girls did to be sexy and I did not think anything of it. This of course freaked out my buddy who told me to untie it.

You are split in two with one foot in each world making people rather uncomfortable. I assumed I was gay but I did not seem to be gay like any gay guy I had ever met. They had a male hunger for men that was completely absent in me.

I was aware of men but not in the extreme like gay men were.

Look at your relationship to masculinity, men and manhood. Identifying with those things will feel unnatural if you have a female identity.

For me men were always the "other sex" but I simply did not understand the meaning behind that way of relating to men.

[Dana44]

Cindy, funny you had that memory come back. Yeah those were the days. I had it similar like you and grew up as a man but knew something was drastically wrong. I do not like to relive those memories but they do come back and haunt us. But now we are what we are and nobody can do anything about it any more.

[flatlander_48]

D4:

I think it is important for us to remember. If we don't allow those memories to surface and dissipate, they will continue to hold influence over us.

DeeAnn