Do Your Kids Know?

[Kandi Robbins]

I am a crossdresser and have two wonderful daughters, 25 and 21 (and the nest is empty). Only a year ago did I tell my wife (she was accepting) and my CD life flourished as a result. No one else who knew me prior to telling my wife knows. I struggle with not telling my girls. Keeping a secret from loved ones is difficult, especially one that has brought me such happiness. However, telling them this will undeniably change the nature of our relationship (not to say it would be a good or bad change, but it would have to change in some way). I feel like I am their father, bringing with that all the things being a father typically represents. I know if I told them, I would still be their father, but it would change.

I'm just looking for opinions here. Certainly the age of your children, nature of your relationship and the gender of your children are all factors. My inclination is to take this one to my grave as I have a wonderful relationship with my children and the downside (problems) greatly outweighs the upside (we already have solid relationships). And even if I told them and they were as accepting as my wife, I really have no interest in doing anything with them while dressed. My wife is fully accepting, lends me things (shoes, purses, skirts, etc.), takes many of the pictures I have posted here and offers opinions on outfits, but I have no desire to go out as girlfriends with her. We haven't discussed it but it is not something I am longing to do (that's just me, I know many here do this and enjoy it very much).

I'm looking for the opinions of CDs with kids as I know the dynamic would have to be different for some one transitioning or contemplating doing so as the decision to tell would not be if, but when.

[reb.femme]

Hi Kandi,

If your kids are reasonable human beings, which from your own character and writings I would assume they are, the likelihood is they will be quite receptive to your reveal. Girls are generally better with such things, however, nothing is written in stone as to how our loved ones can or will react.

My kids got to hear of this last year, on Xmas day. All three are boys, ages 29, 34 and 39 at that time. The youngest two had no problems with it as they have a wild attitude to life anyway. Both go to dress up events, rubber or whatever. My middle son is gay and from his recollections of places he has visited, was completely unphased. I might has well have told him I knitted cardigans for all the reaction he gave :heehee:. Both were very accepting and I got lots of hugs etc.

The eldest son is only 15 years younger than me (young dad :)) didn't take it too well and hasn't mentioned it since. Obviously he knows his dad as the rough and tough bloke of years back, going out to football (soccer) and lots of beers together. :sad:

All in, it hasn't affected my life at all really. I haven't told my siblings, two brothers and one sister. My two brothers spent the last party we went to, berating someone at work who crossdresses, logging onto his Facebook site and laughing at her pics. I wonder how they would take it if they knew about me? I don't really care as they normally only contact me when they need money or computer help etc.

Good luck with the reveal, should you go ahead.

Becky

[bridget thronton]

My kids know - i waited till they were out of high school till the reveal. Daughter sees me dressed often, son does not. Both kids and their spouses still love me and spend time with me.

[cdinmd206]

I have a 22 yr old daughter who I have not told. I do believe she knows but has not asked. She knows I wear plain nylon hi cut ladies panties 24/7. I believe it is a don't ask type of situation. If she does I will not lie to here but I am not going to volunteer any info. Surprisingly enough she has the same taste in shoes, clothing and jewelry that I do. Back when her mother and I were married I lost many earrings and shoes to her that I had inadvertently left out.

[Bobbi46]

I have a daughter (38) twice divorced with two sons, my son(40) also married with a little boy and girl. I have not told them and don't think I can in that I lost touch with my daughter for many years and have only recently got back in contact with her so telling her is not an option and also possibly the same with my son. This sort of situation has been thrown up before in different ways and I do not think that there is an easy way out for it all.

[CarlaWestin]

I recently told my 28 year old daughter and opened up a floodgate of acceptance and admiration. Her best friend is active in the LGBT community. I've sent my daughter some pictures. When her friends questioned who was the sexy woman in the pictures she proudly said, "That's my Dad!" I've been elevated to the way coolest Dad, ever! Now they send me links for dresses they find online that they think I would look good in. And, my daughter has let me know that my Xmas present is on the way but, it's really for Carla with a little something included from her friend! If only the wifey could be as accepting.

[Laura912]

Told oldest son (45) because of some things in family. Have not told youngest (43) because there is no reason to. Wife knows and supports and understands. Other threads on this issue often ask what is to be gained by telling.

[flatlander_48]

K R:

While I identify as transgender, there is not sufficient difficulty that would led me to consider transition. I have 2 kids from my 1st marriage. They are 40 and 34 and don't live anywhere close to me. My daughter started college in another state when we moved to NYS, so she has never really lived here. On the other hand, my son spent a significant part of his formative years in this town.

About 3 months ago I started a thread that chronicled the events leading up to, and during, the month of October where I came out to 200+ people over the course of 3 events. In the 1st event I was fully dressed as DeeAnn and appeared in front of ~130 people. In the other 2, I was not dressed, but I showed a photo from the 1st event.

I told my son about DeeAnn before the 1st event. Although he moved away some time ago, he basically grew up here and I had no idea if he would know anyone in the audience. So, I told him what the situation is. I told my daughter a week or 2 after the 1st event as there wasn't any real urgency driving the timing.

What was important to me was to tell the story as I wanted rather than hearing things as gossip. I believe that in the absence of information, people tend to make up their own, and I didn't want that to happen. It's my story and it only seems fitting that I be the one to present it. Both discussions went well, but we'll see how it goes over time.

My 2nd wife and I have been married 10+ years. She has known about DeeAnn from the beginning and has ocassionally gone out with me. She was in attendance at the 1st event I mentioned above. She often helps me get dressed as I cannot put on a wig due to arthritic shoulders and elbows. My wife has a lot of insight into femininity from social and psychological perspectives and we have some stimulating conversations about dressing, sexuality, masculinity and femininity. She is a gem and a lot of what I do wouldn't be possible without her.

DeeAnn

[CDPheobe]

My wife asked me from the beginning of our relationship what my fetish was. I told her immediately. I have two wonderful step daughters who I have raised for the last 8 years. Now 13 and 15, I consider them "my" daughters because I have been in their lives since and their biological dad hardly comes around. My daughters have a friend who is 16, grew up with them, and comes to visit and stay with us a lot. Now my dressing wasnt something I would have considered telling my babies. My secret life one day came out while Mom was going thru pictures with her smart phone, on the smart TV. My wife and I took quite a few pictures together and unbeknownst to her, she revealed them by accident. It was a series of selfie pics with my wife. All three of my babies saw the pics, were telling me that I look SOOO pretty. I told them thank you and i did like dressing up. To this day, and thank my wife for it, I can freely walk around my home in pantyhose and a long shirt, with makeup and perfume. My girls dont bat an eye when they see me doing my chores in a long shirt and pantyhose. I never wear what I wear around anybody else but my family. So when I know nobody is coming over to visit, I can dress comfy in my own home and not worry about what my girls will say. I have always shopped my wife and daughters. Im always telling them what looks good on them and what doesnt. My girls can rock anything they wear. They are very attractive. Even though my girls and I not blood, all three love me as much as i love them. I dont think there would be a case where I can dress up or do something in the realm on CDing that would phase my girls. I LOVE being the girly daddy in my family. Its very often that I am the only male in the house at any given time. Always outnumbered!! My daughters are always bringing their girlfriends over to hang out and my wife, same thing. I do have tons of male friends, just nobody I can come out to. No males i know have any idea about my secret. I feel most comfortable with females knowing rather than my male friends knowing.

[CynthiaD]

Yeah, all my kids know. I never formally came out to any of them, I just didn't bother to hide it.

[Wen4cd]

My daughter (14) has grown up never not knowing. It's as normal to her and as familiar as breakfast. The only difficult part was explaining to her that not everyone in our small town community schoolhouse would appreciate her boasting about her dad's uniquity.

edit for circumstance clarity: I'm a deeply bi-gendered, integration-focused, and thusly non-transitioning CD, (but personally prefers the older 'TV' term because it puts more people at ease) dressing since age 7,

Dressing weekly at home but a night-shift worker, so I usually have the house to myself after family is in bed. Daughter sees and interacts with me dressed average once a month by chance, and it's usually with compliments on my choices of outfit or makeup at first meeting, then it's business as usual.

[kittie60]

My kids know all 4 of them. I haven't seen my oldest who's 40 in years thats the way he wants it. Next the 37 ye old has nothing to do with me either. My 36 ye old daughter I see in occasion.my 10 ye.old sees me but he's not thrilled about it. So hopefully your girls will take it better then mine. Best of luck to you.

[PretzelGirl]

Kandi, (good last name cousin!) I have transitioned, so I hope my opinions and experience from before I realized I was transitioning is accepted.

I told both of my daughters. One lived at home and the risk of being caught was great. The other came to live in my area for a few years and we are really close. I wanted the opportunity to tell her in person and have some time together to know it was alright instead of wondering across miles. I am a proponent that coming out with a positive attitude lends towards the best possible outcome. I believe acceptance is on the rise. But.....


My inclination is to take this one to my grave as I have a wonderful relationship with my children and the downside (problems) greatly outweighs the upside (we already have solid relationships). And even if I told them and they were as accepting as my wife, I really have no interest in doing anything with them while dressed.

This says a lot to me. There are family members that leave us every day when we come out (us being anyone on the gender spectrum). If you don't see the upside and you have no interest in doing anything with them, my only question is, are you at risk of being caught? If not, I wouldn't do it. Why take on the risks for no gain?

[Jenniferathome]

Kandi, I have three grown kids. My cross dressing does not intrude nor affect their life. Only in that case would I recommend coming out to them. The question is Why do they need to know? It is not why do you want to tell them.

[Eryn]

I have two grown daughters, both of whom were told after they went off to college. Both of them have accepted me completely.

It has not changed our relationship. Regardless of how I am dressed I am still Dad. The only real change is that Dad is now more fun as a shopping companion.

The choice to tell them after they went to college came from a desire that they not have to keep a secret from their friends locally. Every case is unique, though, and only you can determine the correct time to tell.

[carhill2mn]

My two daughters, aged 46 and 49, and their husbands "know". They were told by my wife when she told them we were getting a divorce. They were much more upset about the divorce than they were about learning that I was a CD (much to my wife's dismay). It has not affected our relationships as the subject is never brought up.

My opinion is that unless there is a compelling reason to tell them, don't. What would be gained by their knowing?

[Kandi Robbins]

Thank you all for the input. It's that time of year where one assess their lives and determines what courses of action to take in the new year.

As I stated, my inclination is to keep the secret and that is what I'll do, at least for the near term. For me, CDing is very compartmentalized in my own head, I can easily mentally flip the switch when necessary. I think that compartmentalization was the result of my successfully being able to keep the secret all of these years.

I appreciate the thoughtful input.

[Tracii G]

I have two grown Daughters with husbands and families of their own so I don't feel the need to tell them.
One I know would be fine with it the other would not take it too well.
I can't see losing one Daughter and 3 grandkids over my being TG.
If I tell the one who would be fine with it she would tell the other so I plan to keep it hidden.
My second ex wife (not the mother of my kids) knows all about me and she is cool with it and has never told my kids.

[Steph_CD_62]

My daughter is 25 and I finally told her this past summer.
My son is 27 but I have not told him, but my wife has hinted to him so he might have a clue but I have never told him.
But again my son isn't nearly as mature as my daughter and I doubt if he ever will fully grow up (he had some medical issues as a child).
However at this point I don't if I could ever be dressed in front of either one of them.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kandi:hugs:, Olly my wife has known for almost 52yrs.
I see no need to lay this burden on my two daughters ages 46 & 48. ~~...:daydreaming:...

[S. Lisa Smith]

Well... my son who is gay found out years ago, but didn't tell me he knew. He is now 31. His brother, who is 33 and has a wife and child has no idea, unless he walks in and looks at the computer right now.... He and his wife and child are visiting this weekend.

[Laurana]

My 16 year old daughter knows. Our conversation was pretty straight forward. It went like this:


Me: Do you remember when you told me my rainbow tie was showing?

Her: Yeah?

Me: What do you know about that?

Her: I know you wear a bra sometimes.

Me: It's more than that.

Her: Yeah I know. Your G-string shows sometimes.

Me: It's more that that too.

Her: Oh?

Me: Yeah, I like to wear outer clothes to sometimes. And nightgowns.

Her: So do you want to be a girl?

Me: No. It's got nothing to do with sex or sexual identity. It's just what I like to wear.

Her: Ok. That's fine. You wear what you want and I'll wear what I want and we'll both do what we do.

Me: I also wear makeup every so often.


It went on for a bit more but you get the gist. We just agreed that if she didn't want me doing it in front of her friends she'd just tell me.

So far so good.

[TrishaTX]

For me at this time no....my son is not accepting in general( we are working on him) and my daughter wouldn't care but I am not interested in her knowing and not him. Maybe later in life but not now.

[Rogina B]

It was important to me so...My daughter has been out and about with me since she was 5.. Long term effect..She is the top student in our county... The acceptance of kids is all about how an accepting parent you are..It rubs off !

[Wen4cd]

Great Rogina! Similar story here. Best kid I could have asked for, perfect academic record, top student in her school, very kind individual, has friends all over the world, awesome human being in progress.

[SharonDenise]

I came out to my wife while we were still dating. She gave me her pink baby doll pajamas shortly thereafter. My wife accepted my cross dressing for the 40 years that we were married. Sadly, she died last year. Being as I have drawers and closets filled with women's clothing I felt compelled to tell my older daughter, age 37, about my cross dressing in case I became ill and she had to go through my belongings. I told my younger daughter, later. It is a don't ask, don't tell relationship with both of them. I'm disappointed with this as they are both very liberal but accept their wishes. My older daughter was even in a lesbian relationship so I felt she would be more understanding.

[Eryn]

...It is a don't ask, don't tell relationship with both of them. I'm disappointed with this as they are both very liberal but accept their wishes. My older daughter was even in a lesbian relationship so I felt she would be more understanding.

That is really sad. Unfortunately our children often don't want to see their image of their parents altered. Have you tried reaching out to them again? If you emphasize that it is important to you they might be more open.

[pamela7]

My kids are also adult (17-21 age spread), yes they know, they are totally cool with it, two of the boys have crossdressed, my stepdaughter being F2M and their partner also being F2M, one son's housemate is also CD and stepson's girlfriends's dad is also CD. It's everywhere, more than we realise, and only coming out of the closets will the wider acceptance emerge.

I liken it to people talking about ghosts or spiritual things. In business everyone pretends they don't believe in the like, but people will pull me to one side and tell me they've a ghost or something else they can't explain. It's the same thing, we're not 5%, we're 20% and not realising.

[Rhonda in dallas]

I have not posted anything in a very long time. Me and my wife had a big blow up about my dressing years ago. And for a long time I did not dress any. So last year I started to question our marriage. We were at the point of a divorce. Then we went away together to see if we could work it out. We did but I told her that I wanted and needed to dress. We worked everything out and I also told her that I wanted our 3 adult children to know and she told them. Was not a big deal with the 2 older ones but the younger one had a few problems. But now we are fine. Me and my daughter went shopping for make up for my wife for Christmas and I also got me a few things then. I am so happy everything worked out the way it did

Rhonda

[Raychel]

All of my adult kids know as well as their girlfriends and wifes.
I waited until they were old enough to handle it before I told them.

They all really did not have an opinion one way or the other, I talked to them all one at a time.
in a face to face conversation.

Oldest said whatever you are still my father and I still love you.
Second son, I don't even remember the conversation, but it was uneventful.
and 3rd son I told while we were driving somewhere. Conversation lasted about 2 seconds.

Now I dress whenever I want, Only concern is that my father does not find out. and
right now he is 1300 miles away for the winter, at his house in florida.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

What is to gain by telling... and what can you lose by having the talk?