Do I tell my daughter?

[jeannanj]

Hello, First off let me say my daughter is 24 and I have been married for just as long. When I first was married my need to crossdress was virtually non existing. Years later the urges became stronger each year. Now it is so difficult to live with this secret as most of us know. This site alone is often a great help.
Years ago when joining this forum I had intentions on telling my wife which has never happened. Now over the past few years my daughter has become friends with a few people like us. Good news is my daughter constantly defends them. She has researched so much about it just like I have. Bad news is most of her disagreements are with my wife. I truly believe my daughter would be very understanding. The only thing holding me back is the fact I don't think it would be fair to place the burden on her as well. It's already difficult for me keeping this a secret. On a lighter note it's kind of funny some of the things she tells me. Apparently she is more comfortable speaking to me about transgendered issues. At times serious issues but the other day I was floored as she mentioned how crossdressers use lipstick to cover beard shadow. I wanted to say no kidding :)

Thanks for taking the time to read this and Happy Holidays to All!

Jeanna

[MissDanielle]

Sounds like she will be understanding. My SIL's dad is a CD so she has an idea of where I am coming from on things although she will never fully understand. She's helping my brother come to terms with my being his big sister.

[Robin414]

My kids (26 and 19) are VERY open minded and both know but my circumstances are kinda unique and I came out slowly (like one piece of clothing at a time) over the course of about 10 months...if that helps?

[Judy-Somthing]

About a year ago my daughter 23 was using my computer and somehow a head shot photo of me in full makeup and wig opened on the screen.

I immediately reached over and hit the quit command.

She rolled her eyes and said "Daaaaaaaaad" and left the room.

We never spoke of it again.

[TrishaLake]

If you intend to tell your Daughter but not your wife, I think that might be an issue. I know my wife would be furious. It would mean the secret has a wider net and your wife is more out of the loop. Just my opinion...

[Stephanie Julianna]

Both my daughters have known since they were in high school. They are 40 and 37 respectively. They have been supportive without seeming to oppose my wife is basicly at DADT. My son stands with my wife on the subject. He's 43.

[reb.femme]

Hi Jeanna,

I think my first thought is simply this. If your wife finds out about your CDing at a later date and then becomes aware of your daughter's prior knowledge, a certain amount of excrement is sure to hit proverbial the fan. Unless of course you're separated from your wife, in which case you are clear to do as you will.

Other than that, you simply risk the usual fact that the reveal can go either way. Some level of acceptance or outright rejection. Is anything to be gained from telling her or is it that you would simply just like to? I totally understand those feelings, 'been there, seen it, done it' as they say. My only thought is the invidious position that you could place your daughter in, should you tell her before telling your wife.

Becky

[Robin414]

She rolled her eyes and said "Daaaaaaaaad" and left the room.


19 yr old daughter: 'Daddddy' (equivalent to 'Mommmmy'), I love that lipstick!! 😃

Yah, close but not empirically confirmed 😉 ?

[Michele14]

Wife first

[Lisa85]

Wrong question. Should be how do I tell wife. The most intimate thoughts, feelings and view of the world need to be primary shared with wife. Next circle is family. I can understand that desire to get out and share with the second circle, but if not with the first circle, you are just inviting headaches and heart aches.

[Jazzy Jaz]

Different families have different dynamics, I think the only one who can answer this is you.

[Eryn]

One thought: What if you sat your wife and daughter down at the same time and had the discussion? Your daughter is already supportive and might be a good influence in this situation.

Now, this isn't quite a suggestion. As Jasmine said, your family dynamics may not be what we think.

One thing that I found interesting with my daughters is that the one who was most tied into the LGBT community took a bit more time to get used to the femme me. I think that sometimes it is easier to embrace new ideas with the general public than with a close family member. She is now fine with Eryn, but it took a little adjustment time.

[Rachelakld]

3 of my 4 daughters know, and even help me with make up and clothing.
At least they know the real me

[Vintage4sarah]

I support the comment of Denise in post #10. The wife needs to be the priority. About 18 years ago my wife needed to be told about Sarah (another story) and after much heart ache and stress, we have come to work with agreement how we deal with my crossdressing and Sarah. It is mostly a DADT arrangement. The concession I made was to keep this from our daughter who is a certified "daddy's girl" since the early years. Now she is a successful, stylish career girl in her 30s with a very open, accepting personality. I know in my heart that this all would be fine with her, but a need to keep that promise with my wife for now.

[LindaAnne]

I'm in almost the exact same situation as Jeanna. My son is in his early 20s, is very open minded and has friends like us. He is very energetic in defending everyone's rights but my spouse is quite the opposite. While I would agree the wife should be the first, it is an issue as you have someone very close to you who would be supportive and understanding yet there is a real risk they would tell (most likely inadvertently) the spouse. To date I can't take the risk so haven't told my son. I get it Jeanna, it is a tough situation.

[Lena]

The only reason I would tell my daughter first would be to get her help with telling her mom. Like they said above all families are different. It could be better to get daughter's advice on how to explain it to mom.

Of course, if daughter found out by accident, you would have to tell her. Say, your daughter saw forgotten eyeliner or such, you would have to tell daughter before mom. Just saying

[josrphine]

Hi Jean, My daughters are both lesbein so my oldest said to me when she found out was great Dad now we can go to gay bars together. Wife disproved, we are devorced, an my daughters an I have had good relationship with me as a C D. JO

[pamela7]

First, why have you not told your wife?
Telling your daughter first is a double-edged sword - the message it gives is that you trust her more than your wife - not something you want to unintentionally say.
Having said that, it might be she knows, they both know, and she's been showing you its okay to come out.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Would telling your daughter help you in having " the talk " with your wife? Would the acceptance & support of your daughter lessen the blow & trauma that most spouses feel upon digesting the news? You have a lot of variables to consider & weigh before marching off to have the talk. Your need to be feminine is not going away... it is a life long blessing or curse dependent upon ones outlook. Only you can answer your questions , but be prepared for all possible outcomes. I truly truly truly wish you happiness with what ever decision you make & whatever outcome results.

[flatlander_48]

j:

To me, the model for coming out is what you will often find in the LGB part of the community. Some of the important points are:



Coming out is not a one-time process. For everyone you know, or come in contact with, there should be a conscious thought process about coming out to them or not. Some decisions may be very quick, but others may require careful thought.
Does the Upside outweigh the Downside?
When you come out, you control the narrative. This is significant because it is a chance to convey how it sits for you, what's important to you, etc. You get to tell your story in your own words.
If there is a possibility that circumstances may force your hand, get in front of it. It relates to controlling the narrative because would you rather have your information conveyed by gossip or by your own words?
If you need confidentiality from someone that you want to tell, how likely is that?
There is a quote from Rachel Maddow that has always resonated with me: "No one can insult you by telling you what you have already told them.".


DeeAnn

[Lori Kurtz]

While you might get some gratification and acceptance by telling your daughter, I agree with the other girls here who advise against it. Your marriage, as long as you remain in it, is your primary relationship, and your secret crossdressing is not an ideal situation, as you well know. You would make it even worse if you were to tell the daughter whom you share with that wife, without telling your wife first. Try to put yourself in your wife's shoes: wouldn't it feel like a slap in the face if your spouse shared such a sexually charged truth with your son or daughter without telling you first?

Oh dear ... I just caught my own unintentional pun: "put yourself in your wife's shoes." You've probably already tried that ... or wished you could fit into them. My point is, if your marriage is important to you, you need to make sure your wife knows she comes first for you.

[Genny B]

Seeing possible signs in two of my son's of likewise interest I decided to talk with them about myself (wife has known for years and they are both in their early 30's). The second oldest shaves his legs and likes pink but that appears to be it. The oldest enjoys Drag Shows and is very LGBT friendly, but also has no further interest. What really amazed me was that I later learned son number 3 told the oldest and I haven't talked with him yet. Anyway, tell my daughter? Never! She is just to close minded. You are the one that knows your family best, but if there is not a reason to tell them, I recommend against it... All of the advise given is good!

Genny B

[jeannanj]

Thank you girls for all the replies and excellent advice. I kept thinking about how it would effect my daughter...worrying about her but yes it will devastate my wife further down the road and by no means do I want that to ever happen. Eventually I need to tell her but for now I think my secret is staying right here :)

[AllieSF]

I see some of the comments above stating that by telling the daughter one may send the message to the SO that they trust the daughter more. I believe that some people probably do trust their daughter or son or other third party more to listen and react more maturely than their SO will. The trust I am talking about is the one where you can expect that the other person will give your conversation due respect and care and not fly off the handle at you. I think that is a very good message to sometimes send when it is true, and it may be true in a lot more relationships than most are willing to admit. From what I have read in the forum over time, that is probably as good a reason as any to tell a daughter, if the need or desire arises. As others have said above, it can also work in both parties favor when there is an intermediary that can help get the message across to the unknowing party. When that third party is also family there may even be a better chance for good results.

There is nothing wrong to say that you trust someone else more with a specific fact than you trust the SO. Trust needs to be earned, and some people that had trust can lose it because of their own previous actions and reactions. Based on many of the reactions from SO's here, unreasonable, hard to believe, over the top, threatening, etc., why would one want to tell someone like that if they had any inkling that the SO would react that way? Why not solicit help? That is where a cool headed third party can come in. These types of SO's in effect have lost the some of their stereotypical spousal right to know if they cannot listen and respond with a cool and reasoned head. They are the ones that may have instilled fear when they should be nurturing a safe haven to share what needs to be shared.

There are many types of fear, and that type of SO can create unnecessary fear in others when it comes to sharing or revealing important delicate and sensitive information to them. Look at your own children who many times feel more comfortable telling a friend of theirs or yours about something that you should know. Hell, we probably did that growing up ourselves leaving our parents in the dark when they should have been involved. Not all families are perfect and good open communication is one of the hardest things for people to master when in a relationship whether with a partner or a family member. The unreasonable person tends to assign fault to others when in fact the fault is partly attributable right back to them. If they had been more reasonable and understanding about other things in the past it wouldn't be so hard to tell them a truth that they should know now. I am not saying that this is your situation Jeannan. Only you know what that is. But if I was in a similar situation, which I may be in the future, and I felt that telling my daughter or other family member first would help in the long run, then I would seriously consider that option.

[sometimes_miss]

Don't forget the 'not in my backyard' issue. There are a whole lot of people who are quite tolerant of the rest of the world doing as they please, but when it suddenly hits close to home, and it's one of THEIR family, everything changes. Next time daughter speaks about it, you might want to ask her how she'd feel if she found out a guy she was dating/engaged/married to enjoyed crossdressing.

[CarlaWestin]

Of course you tell your Daughter. The twenty somethings are very aware of the normalcy of gender issues. I recently told my Daughter (28) and wish I had done it sooner.
Now, She and her friends keep sending me links to dresses and stuff they think would look fabulous on Carla.

[Teresa]

Jeanna,
My daughter accidentally found out, I forgot she was in the house and she caught me ironing a dress, she commented that it wasn't my wife's so I had to tell her the truth.
She was an adult and had been on a nursing degree course , some of her curriculum covered GD problems so she was OK about it. Since then we have a very much closer relationship, she fully supports me even to the point of helping me to get out to my first social meeting. I thanked her for the kind offer but refused on the grounds of being caught in the middle of the situation with my wife, I try very hard to stop my son and daughter taking sides.

[Stephanie47]

Jeannanj, I'm going to make a wager that your daughter knows you like to wear women's clothing. Kids while growing up tend to be silent but very observant. Sometimes kids will sneak around at Christmas trying to find where "Santa" has hidden presents. Sometimes a very observant young woman will detect a little bit of makeup that was not wiped away. There are always tell tale signs.

Your daughter may be defending crossdressers and transgenders and gays & lesbians because you laid the ground work for her acceptance. The fact a man may wear a dress on occasion should not negate all the positive qualities a father or husband has. I know there are many women out there who will dump a cross dresser because of societal pressures.

When you indicate your daughter's "disagreements are with my wife" I wonder if she is already blazing the way for you to tell your wife. Perhaps some of the mother-daughter talk is about dad wearing a dress. It could be both wife and daughter are waiting for you to pick the time and ultimately the reason for you to come clean.

My wife and I when first married did engage in some "bedroom play" with me wearing hosiery and nylon nightgowns. When my desires expanded my wife shut down and it has become DADT. Once she told me she thought I had not removed all the green eye shadow I had been wearing but she never said anything at the time. Sometimes we think we have covered our tracks, but, there is always some tell tale signs.

I am not opposed to you confirming to your daughter your desires to wear women's clothing. I would not have a sit down over coffee for a detailed discussion. Rather some little dropped hint your daughter can siege upon to ask some questions. I would also tell her you are petrified of telling your wife because she appear to be so adamantly opposed to transgender men and women. Your daughter may be able to provide some insight as to whether your wife already knows. Another thought is your wife has negativity about cross dressers because of the secrecy of your actions. Just several thoughts to mull over.

[Sarah Doepner]

I told my wife several years before she passed away. Then I needed to share this with someone else since I was alone and felt an obligation to explain should I pass unexpectedly. So I told my 33 year old daughter. She was calm and polite and explained she already knew. Her brother had discovered my secret years earlier. So I told him and asked who he had shared it with. I had to talk with my youngest son at that point. They have all been supportive and understanding and willing to keep that secret with them for years, so I'm thinking that generation (for the most part) has their heads on properly and will likely be respectful of your crossdressing and may even ease the sharing with your wife if you so desire.

[Alice B]

All my children and grandchildren know and accept. But, my wife also knows and is accepting to a point. I'm sure your daughter will be fine with it and become a confident. This said it would be best to tell your wife first because it will get back to her in one way or another.

[Krisi]

My advice is to only tell people who need to know. Your daughter does not need to know so don't tell her.

I also think it would be a very bad idea to tell your daughter without telling your wife first. Your wife is supposed to be # 1 in your life (assuming you are still married and living together as man and wife). Telling your daughter and then telling her to keep it a secret from your wife (her mother) serves no purpose and puts an unfair burden on your daughter.

Think long and hard before you take this any further.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jeanna:hugs:, I see no need to burden my two daughters (Ages 46 & 48) with my crossdressing. ~~...:daydreaming:...

[Tina_gm]

Please tell your wife 1st. One of the hardest most difficult issues for wives is feeling that they have been kept in the dark about all of this. If your daughter knows before her mother does, that will only make the being kept in the dark issue a harder deal for your wife. While you are saying that for now you are continuing to keep it all a secret, remember that the longer it goes on, the harder it all falls once it does come out.

I also want to say about your daughter and her acceptance.... could be that she knows/suspects and is letting you know that it is ok for her. Maybe not easy but that she will not disown you for it. She may not know, and even though she is accepting in general, her dad being a CDer may still be very difficult. Acceptance to it, and it being easy to deal with when it is parents or partners are two different things entirely.

[Sarah-RT]

I personally think you have to ask yourself, do you want to tell your daughter?

If you feel it's something you want to share with your family so you can be open then perhaps you should, as you say she seems the supportive type.
However if you intend telling her but never dressing around her then it seems unnecessary, once told it can never be untold.

If you do tell her but not your wife you will end up falling into a trap of having told others but not your wife, which is where the lying and deceit so many SO's mention comes from.

You can possibly find peace of mind, and being able to be more open with your daughter, potentially having a closer relationship but you also end up risking serious reprocussions from your wife.

Do you want to admit it? Will it help? What are the risks and can you live with them? You need to ask yourself these things

[Lori Kurtz]

Here's a consideration in addition to what I've already posted here. You didn't mention what crossdressing means to you. If you're TG, then I think your wife needs to know, regardless of whether you tell your daughter first or not, because you need to be true to your real sexual identity. But if crossdressing is a sexual fetish for you (as it is for me), then I think it's a different sort of thing. If crossdressing is a way for you to experience sexual excitement and sexual satisfaction, then I think it's a lot less important for your daughter to know at all. You wouldn't share your preferences in sexual positions or practices with anybody other than your sexual partner, would you? And especially not with your children.

[jeannanj]

I just want to say everyone has been terrific. All of you girls have given me so much to think about. A few of you have mentioned how my daughter possibly my wife may know already. That is a thought that often crosses my mind. Always have been extremely careful but as the years go on and my desire to dress becomes overwhelming I have been taking bigger risk. Some time ago in a rush to get some girl time I left out my favorite mascara. Nothing was ever said but that's one clue I left behind for certain. Could be other clues I'm unaware of.


Here's a consideration in addition to what I've already posted here. You didn't mention what crossdressing means to you. If you're TG, then I think your wife needs to know, regardless of whether you tell your daughter first or not, because you need to be true to your real sexual identity. But if crossdressing is a sexual fetish for you (as it is for me), then I think it's a different sort of thing. If crossdressing is a way for you to experience sexual excitement and sexual satisfaction, then I think it's a lot less important for your daughter to know at all. You wouldn't share your preferences in sexual positions or practices with anybody other than your sexual partner, would you? And especially not with your children.
Lori,
Over 30 years ago my crossdressing started out that way but is much more than that now...but I do understand exactly what you mean and of course that would have no place for discussion with my daughter. Oh and your previous post. " put yourself in your wife's shoes" umm been there done that :) and now I have more shoes than her.


Again thank you ladies. Your help is always greatly appreciated. It's the only place I can truly be myself.

Hugs, Jeanna

[Beverley Sims]

Jeanna,
Does your daughter really need to know.

Are there any advantages in telling her?

Your wife doesn't know yet.