early stage question here....

[JanePeterson]

did any of you ever just feel pathetic? I'm sitting here in my wifes clothes, contemplating the implosion of my whole professional and social life... all because i can't bring myself to take off my rubber boobs and scrub the poorly applied pink nail polish from my fingers?? just bewildered and angry at myself for not being able to move forward here.. if it was just me, then whatever, but my issues will also destroy my wifes life along side of mine... grr were allowed to vent on here right? the worst part is the logical portions of my brain have told me all about how its not your choice, its not something you can control, it will get better.... but the rest of my mind is just laughing at me for being so... pathetic

[I Am Paula]

I think we have all been exactly where you are. Venting is a good temporary fix, so vent away.
You've got some soul searching to do, but please remember, you do not have to lose your professional, or social standing, or your wife.
Talk to a professional, and always remember- none of us is pathetic.

[MissDanielle]

finding a therapist is always good.

I've started to take it out on my guitar so that I don't take it out by venting at my friends and family.

I just wish trans visibility had been better in the late 1990s. I'd have already transitioned by now instead of struggling with this my entire life through repression. My religious beliefs are, in part, the biggest reason why I have struggled so much in coming to terms with being trans. My religious beliefs are a big part of who I am and I'm glad to have the support of my religious friends at what has definitely become one of the most trying times of my life when my immediate family just doesn't understand how and why I feel the way I do.

If you're social life changes, those friends are not your true friends. True friends won't run and hide when we need them the most.

[OCCarly]

Believe me, I know the feeling. Tomorrow I have to put on the monkey suit and tie, and go visit an in custody client -- 90 minutes on the road each way even in light traffic, half an hour to process in and out, and an hour with the client. And I will be counting the minutes until I arrive home and I can slip into skinny jeans and a sweater and get dolled up.

[Suzanne F]

Jane
Yes I have been there facing those same issues. It finally had to be faced. Guess what? The world did not end for me or my family. I still have a job at the moment. Many friends and family have proven to be wonderful. Yes there have been casualties and there may be more.
I wish I could make it easy for you but that isn't how this is done. If you feel the pain of having to return to the charade of being a man then you are one of us. We have a solution but it requires rigorous honesty. That honesty cannot depend on how anyone else reacts to our truth. Easier said than done.
It all seems to be too much to expect from anyone. It is like running a marathon. You can't imagine running 26 miles when you begin training. It starts with small strides and one day you look up and you are actually running a marathon. I hope you find some peace.
Suzanne

[Robin414]

I don't have any advice Jane but I seriuosly understand (and echo) your venting!

[Marcelle]

Hi Jane,

Yup . . . been there done that . . . got the t-shirt :). It was a central theme in the later parts of my therapy as I grappled with the "gender fluid" versus "TS". My wife and I discussed this in great detail because my going public would have knock on effects for her but she was willing to accept them but still . . . I contemplated and hesitated. Heck I had been handed to the Holy Grail by my wife . . . go forth and be the woman you need to be but I still could not just free fall into the abyss which made me feel a bit pathetic as I read so many stories here about just being who you need to be. Then my therapist suggested something which made me think. While I had realized I was a woman and the man did not exist . . . he defined who I was for 51 years. He molded who I became, and was responsible for the person I was (outwardly). To admit to being TS and taking that final step I would in effect be killing him off. While I could say I no longer wished to be seen as a man by the world, it was still a big decision and there was going to be some grieving and when I did finally shut him down, it was like I had lost a person who was influential in my life and in some ways I missed that. However, I quickly learned those parts of "him" which made me who I was were still with me, just aligned in the proper gender. It was at that point that I believe I truly found self-acceptance and the pathetic feeling kind of dissipated.

Cheers

Marcelle

[dreamer_2.0]

Very familiar feelings. I don't have much advice because I'm still working through similar struggles also.

Do you have a therapist? If not, that might be a very good step to take. My therapist, who specializes in gender issues, has helped me come a long way from where I was. She's also helped with different perspectives and challenges some of my beliefs to help me consider other possibilities. I can be particularly stubborn so she has her work cut out for her, but she's helping nonetheless.

If you do have a therapist, maybe a session is in order?

[karenpayneoregon]

You are no different then many of us (including myself). It took me until the age of 57 to say heck with it I need this for myself. I lost my wife before this decision so that was not an issue. I was concerned about how my children would take it but was surprised after telling them they fully accepted me. Thought that work would not accept me but was the complete opposite except for about two people in my work area.

After GRS there has been several times when I felt like a V8 moment, wow, I could of had this years ago. There is a but there too, had I transitioned say 20 years ago there would had been things I would had missed out on yet then again may be I really didn't need them but that is the past and I am living now and in many ways losing the regrets.

Everyone is different in the path we take and those we love that we don't want to hurt but how does this weigh on ourselves? The weight for me was unbearable and with that for me the change had to be made.

[Eryn]

...did any of you ever just feel pathetic?...

Of course! Anyone who always feels totally upbeat about their life is in a dangerous state!

Now, the ups and downs should be moderate, and if you find yourself thinking dangerous thoughts get yourself some help quickly!

I was at a New Years party, and because some work colleagues to whom I'm not yet out were there I was in boy mode. One of the ladies passed out cheap plastic "Happy New Year" necklaces to the ladies in the group and of course I was excluded. This sent me into an emotional tailspin and I had to quickly leave the table to go sit and compose myself. I felt like I had been slapped with reality and that my goal was a million miles away. It ruined the evening for me and I felt down all the next day.

I discussed this with my therapist and she said that she had seen this before and that it is quite common. I have been making measured progress toward my goal and I have achieved many milestones lately. With this success it is natural to "want it all" and the frustration I felt in not having it all manifested itself in my emotional issue.

She said that one alternative was plunging ahead more rapidly but that comes with its own dangers that are much more severe than a few emotional lows. Her opinion was that my approach of doing things systematically will yield a better result in both friendships and employment which will make my emotional health more secure in the long run.

[JanePeterson]

The below constitutes the ramblings of a anxious, depressed, sober, and really bitchy/sarcastic person... so please proceed with caution. I feel like such a ______ (not sure, something bad) for venting like this HERE of all places, cause my situation is either similar or WAY better than many of the other stories I've read so far. that being said, I've found that when I get in a mood like this I feel compelled to talk about it (doesn't help, just feel the need) and I've used up my quota on therapy visits and family patience this week. I've been vague below about work details, not sure why I'm not sure how much it matters to tell you the truth, but there are references to work related issues that are pretty unique and acutely crappy. PM me for details.

Standard origin story here - tried on some bits as a youngster, stole sisters clothes in high school, break through most of college (no access) then picked back up after getting married. CDed for pleasure every few months, less so the last 5 years or so (getting to fat to fit any of her stuff)

My wife and I have been together for about 9 or 10 years, married for 8. Amazing woman... my only real friend on earth. During that time, sex has been pretty infrequent, and to be honest not super enjoyable for either of us - my wife gets very little pleasure from sex, and I've always been able to tell - the thought of me fulfilling my needs with a partner who was not at all into it really turned me off.. the idea that asking her for sex was not a mutually enjoyable enterprise meant that we were on a maybe once every 4-6 month schedule for intercourse (every once in a while shed wake me up at 3AM and go berserk, but otherwise nada).
In the interim between those very rare occasions, my interests lay in t-porn, and occasionally crossdressing. Great. We both are able to survive right? she doesn't have to have sex unless she wants to, and I am so ashamed of my outlets that no one on earth ever has to know! win-win, I'm the perfect husband for this woman!
My therapist remarked that my aversion to sex with my wife due to her lack of interest was a pretty feminine attitude, that the typical male would either just demand more sex or move on... something like that... made me feel a bit more validated at the time anyway.

So here I am now 8 years in... and on the way home from her parents house after Thanksgiving I get the super bright idea that I can tell her all about everything! wow, just imagine, ill get to dress whenever I want and it'll be super fun times... I can buy a real wig a breast forms etc. and everything will be just wonderful. Hey, when I'm done having such a blast, I can just hang all my stuff up in the back closet until another 4-6 months roll around and I feel like getting pretty.

well, that was just over a month ago... and by telling her, getting dressed, and staying dressed for longer than it used to take for the shame to drive me out of my clothes... I smashed whatever mental walls I had built up to hold this stuff out of my head.

At first, it was AMAZING - I felt so girl y and so free (limp wrists and a lisp just like that!) hopped on the forum and started chatting away - isn't being a CD fun!

Then I had to go back to being a man again to go to work... and my heart starting racing. Each day I'm at work by 0900 my chest is pounding, and I cant sit still... sometimes I just burst into tears, and none of it makes any sense. This goes on for a week or so, and I'm beginning to panic - funny thing though, when I put on the girl costume, the feelings get better - sometimes go away completely. Even if I know I have costume time later, the panic isn't nearly as bad. the panic and sadness doesn't come from any specific thing, it just started happening. As an added bonus, all sex drive completely gone - free from the need to turn to that fitly Internet, liberation at last.

Through some private conversations on the forum and with my quickly acquired (and awesome) therapist - after describing my feelings - I received several "you already know what this means, don't you"s from uncorrelated sources. Transgender! Well, better find another section of the forum!

So yeah, now that I'm here... I can look down the road a bit and see where this leads - a transition! great... what does that mean? Oh, did I mention my employer has a nasty habit of firing people for trans issues? while it appears there may be a chance for progress soon, as of today not so much. On top of that, I really nailed this whole male lifestyle thing - I have gone through a bunch of turd-puddles and come out just rosy, been the recipient of great mentorship etc all to where today I'm in a job that most of my peers would really envy. Oh and in exchange for dragging my wife around with me for work the past 8 years, I'm the primary income in the house. Guess what honey? I think if I don't get on hormones and start removing this horrible fur off my face I'm going to lose my mind - but I might get fired in the process. I almost wish she would just throw it all in my face and kick me out - leave, take the dogs, whatever... at least I could redirect some of the shame and anger towards her then, and it would get me off the hook for feeling like I'm poised to destroy her life too.

And, since today has been such a great day already, I've found that I cant look at a woman without immediately wishing I had her hair... her body... Oh, and now I'm seeing myself on the fem side of romantic depictions with men! In addition, sex drive is back up and running and I'm right back where I've been ALL along.. t-porn again- tonight wife offered to have sex in what I imagine was an effort to cheer me up - wasn't really interested (feeling jealous of her body now, this should be fun)... then it hits me! guess what buddy, maybe all the mental Olympics you did about sex with your wife is really cause your gay to boot! or a strait trans woman... or whatever. How the @#$% am I supposed to figure that one out? "hey honey, be back in a few, going on a date with the craigslist killer, ill grab some milk on the way home!"

I told my therapist I want to unravel the gender issues first before going into that dark cave... but hell, seems like the whole house of cards is coming down at once!

So if you've made it this far... tell me, anyone else just blow up this fast? Id love to imagine I have a brain tumor, or just am losing my cool... but it all goes back to a lifetime of dressing now doesn't it? Just so glad I don't have any kids...

[MissDanielle]

Sending you a PM, Jane. I read all of it.

[Rianna Humble]

Once I gave into the need to be real, I quite rapidly hit a brick wall where the need to dress up as a male fed into my depression and was physically revolting to me. I was lucky, however, that I had never been able to marry and I was not working in an environment that was trans-hostile.

[LeaP]

So if you've made it this far... tell me, anyone else just blow up this fast?

Yes - that would be the supervolcano I mentioned in another reply. Quite an eruption, isn't it?

[Marcelle]

... So if you've made it this far... tell me, anyone else just blow up this fast?

Oh yeah . . . followed the whole "heck I am just a guy who likes to dress up in girl clothes but still all mucho macho military SF guy". Came out to my wife, she was accepting, dressed up at home . . . it was fun after all. Starting going out . . . started missing it . . . started getting confusing . . . started getting depressed, angry and upset again . . . not so much fun. Went to therapy, came out at work to friends and family, then to the chain of command . . . now working as woman, still in the military and transitioning in place. All this took about 4 months from the time I realized it was more then just about the clothes.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Suzanne F]

Yes Jane it can all happen very quickly. It just seemed too much to keep up the charade any longer once I was partially out. If you can hold on like Eryn and do it in a measured way great. Marcelle and I both have had about the same timing from beginning crossdresser to fully out women. It just couldn't be stopped. But we both have supportive wives and that has helped. Don't feel all alone this can be done!
Suzanne

[debstar]

Now I'm getting the feeling I may have messed up comming out to my sister (still no word almost a week on) I'm worried to come out to my boss next.

SO yeah I have done it and am busting to tell the world but am also worried my enthusiasm may not be met with equal measure by the people I tell.

Timing how does one balance that with the urgent feeling to let the world know what I have been bottling up for so long.


Debs.

[Rianna Humble]

Debs, it has taken you a whole lifetime to understand who you are, is it so surprising that your sister needs time to absorb it?

One of my brothers took a few months and some coaching by his (adult) children before he could accept me for who I am

[Katrina26cd]

Jane I feel a lot of the same feelings as you. I went to my first counseling session today and my mind is a mess its gonna take me a few days to begin to sort it out.

My wife accepts my dressing but not in public I have thought about saying how about once in a while I dress and we go out even if I get her to agree that it will probably spiral out of controll since it is never enough

[becky77]

I spent a lifetime locking all my issues away, once I opened the door and accepted the truth it was like a tidal wave. My Mum says I have gone fast, I feel it's too slow.

As Rianna said when we are ready it's after years of dealing with it, then we give friends and family weeks/months to assimilate the info.

In my experience some people need time, they go away and absorb then tentatively engage then after a while it's all ok.
Patience is key, you have to remember that to some people you are in effect telling them they don't know you at all.

[debstar]

Yes I totaly understand that while it feels normal and good in my mind this is a new and sudden thing for my sister.

My theripist is urging me to wait until I have gone through the full process of explanation and understanding her point of view as a litmus test or to gain experience before telling my boss.

It's just I work in a different country so the end of this month visit back home may be the only chance I get to tell him face to face for another year. That is my dilemma as I'm anticipating / hoping for some obvious physical changes in that time.


Debs

[Jennifer Hopkins]

Hi Jane.
This is just like me telling it.
Same situation except i am 58 and retired but have grown-up children.
Wife is the same as yours.
But i am coming to a point where i have to do something otherwise i will not survive much longer.

[pamela7]

My therapist remarked that my aversion to sex with my wife due to her lack of interest was a pretty feminine attitude, that the typical male would either just demand more sex or move on... something like that... made me feel a bit more validated at the time anyway.


Interesting, i've always been that way - I could never make love unless i knew it was what my SO also wanted.

I reckon my life is also changing quite quickly at the moment - once the sun comes out the flower opens.

[JanePeterson]

So had a little insight today... Basically for reasons beyond my control, everything I've done since about age 11 or so has been building up a huge lie... Every relationship, every decision, everything has been crafted to edify a paper mache model of who I thought I should be. So now what?

[MissDanielle]

Stop lying?

[JenniferZ2009]

I was in the same boat a bit. I would leave my nail polish on all day and all weekend. I hatted to clean myself up and I used to look in the mirror and think how messed up i was. I always thought I needed to be this ultra Indian Jones character and be all Han Solo all the time as well. I looked good but never quite felt comfortable when I needed to "look good" I always felt so awkward in my clothes. I would vent on this site alot and it helped alot with things. That and alot of stiff martini's back in the day. I live in Washington so i do other stuff now. My advice is to take one day at a time and realize that is a time of self-exploration. Discover the crap out of yourself girl, you will be happier in the end! Its not easier, just better!