What if it was your Dad?

[Rhonda Jean]

We're frequently encouraged on this board to be open with our children. Some are, some aren't. Presumably, we'd be as trans-friendly of a group as there is. So... what if the shoe was on the other foot? What would your reaction be if it was your dad who came out to you or crossdressed around you? Particularly when you were a kid. I can tell you that I would have been appalled.

I had long hair my whole life. I was often in curlers and was open about it, although I did try to avoid my Dad seeing me. He knew, I just would rather him not see me. One day when it was unavoidable he said, "What if I rolled my hair?" and either he or my Mom (I don't remember which) put a few curlers in his short hair to show how ridiculous it looked. Of course it did look ridiculous. That didn't discourage me from doing it.

After he married my step mother (who was a flashy dresser) in the mid 80's he started wearing a lot of jewelry. Neckalces, bracelets, flashy rings. He also started wearing his fingernails long-ish and must have been getting professional manicures because they were always perfect, and he started wearing clear polish. To this day he wears his nails that way with the clear polish. For a short period of time back in the 80's he wore a gold pinkie nail, which I thought was repulsive (I only actually saw it once, but I only saw him a few times a year). He also wore pantyhose in the winter to keep warm.

Far from crossdressing, but some of this embarrassed the hell out of me. He was a man's man, and this just seemed so out of character. I had absolutely no room to talk, and I never talked about any of it to him. He seemed unaware that anyone would think anything of it. He just saw himself differently than others did, or at least different from how I saw him. I fully expected him at some point to get his ears pierced, and I hate to admit how that would have effected me.

My kids know (thanks to the ex) but have not seen it to the full extent. Little things here and there like long hair, shaved legs, and waxed eyebrows, but not the whole package. I imagine I made them cringe sometimes, although I never thought much about it. I certainly changes my perspective when I look at it the other way around.

[Lorileah]

If my dad could have been home more I wouldn't care if he dressed as a duck. Why would your dad (Vs father because many men father few are dads) appall you if they were happy? Man's man...so he would quit feeding you, he would quit providing shelter, he would quit...what? showing love and affection to you? What is a "man's man"? (to me that would be the man who was in a relationship with another man but that isn't what you are saying). When you out someone on a pedestal it makes for a bigger fall when they don't meet your expectations.

How would I have felt? I would have questioned it because it was the 70's and where I was raised it would have been socially unacceptable, but he would still be my DAD. (now that I think for a moment I would have been even MORE proud that he actually have the fortitude to stand up and be himself) The fact that he doesn't like me anymore doesn't stop either one of us from loving each other. I didn't choose what my dad did in life. He leads his own life. I may not agree with some things, especially the social stereotypes that were ingrained into him, but I would never turn him away.

[MarciManseau]

My dad left when I was a baby, so other than pictures I have no memory of him.

[Wen4cd]

My dad was a rough cop who loved to tell war stories about how violent he got with people who resisted his authority, he seems to have something hateful to say about anything unlike himself, other ethnicities, religions, nationalities, political persuasions, queerdom,

But occasionally something odd would cause an exception to his armor, and he'd say something oddly nice about something in the public eye. The one exception I remember vividly, because it was so uncharacteristic at the time, was a strange admiration for performer Boy George in the Culture Club years. hmmmm

[pamela7]

if it were my dad? he was quite the peacock anyway, bright shirts and ties. It would have helped me with the challenges i faced through adolescence for sure.

[LilSissyStevie]

My father could charm women out of their underwear with ease but I can't imagine that he ever wanted to wear them. He had that charisma that made women throw themselves at him despite the knowledge that it would end in disaster. I can't image he ever CDed or even thought about it. My FIL from my first marriage, on the other hand, was almost certainly a crossdresser. After he died my MIL had a bunch of women's clothing to donate to Goodwill and needed my truck to take it there. My ex asked where the clothes came from and my MIL gave her some lame excuse that they belonged to my FIL's sister and he got them when she died. Who would keep their dead sister's clothing? I also noticed that he shaved his underarms. My ex said that he did it to reduce BO. That seemed plausible until I saw the bags of clothes. Despite the fact that we were both CDs I don't think we would have had much in common. I'm very much openly fetishistic about my CDing and I can only imagine from the clothes he left behind and his general demeanor that he was the prim and prissy type.

[Peggie Lee]

How we were raised can determine how we would respond. My son was 46 when I transitioned, I had kept it hidden from all my children before that. I recently had a Trans friend over and she ask him if she freaked him out being Trans and his reply was "No it didn't, my dad raised me right".

[Mark/Rebecca]

Pamela, very well put. I took the risk to discuss the transgendered girlfriend issue with my son and it was an obvious help to him. As a trans parent I think our kids (and spouse) may see little things that illuminate us as caring and sensitive souls. I don't see any of the subtle positive traits that I possess in my father, so if he would come out I would be disappointed in him for not being more nurturing.

[Cheryl T]

I grew up with a very diverse population around me.
I have to say that it would not have mattered a bit, and most certainly would have made it easier for me to express myself at a young age.

[Dana44]

My Dad raised me as a man. There was no room for anything else. I spent my life trying to talk to him. There was no getting to a point to express what was n my mind. He is gone and I do regret that we were never able to talk.

[reb.femme]

It's always difficult to answer a hypothetical question like this, I should have been a politician :).

Sorry, this is more a vent than an answer. My dad was a miserable git and very selfish up and until his dying day, so the less I consider him, the better. But, he was never a CD in a million years and the era in which I was a child was the late 60s, early 70s, not the most sympathetic era in British history. Attitudes then were not welcoming of anyone out of the 'norm'.


Becky

[Pat]

If my Dad were CD perhaps he wouldn't have been so cranky the first time I was caught in women's clothes. ;)

But he wouldn't have been my Dad. My Dad was the hard drinkin', mercurial Merchant Marine officer who didn't seem to be all that happy that there were kids in his home when he made port (until we had all left.) I'm happy to say he and I had started to reconcile not long before his death. I think he would have been a good Granddad if he had the chance and my kids love the stories and keep him alive in their hearts. (That's my revenge on him.)

The real question seems to be are Dads always an embarrassment to their sons, especially if they appear to be keeping pace with their times? And that I can answer with a resounding yes! Somehow it's written into the job description. We all want to be Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird, but we all come off more like Krusty the Clown. At least in the minds of our children. The neighbor's kids think I'm wise and accepting and do interesting things.

[Saikotsu]

I'm not sure, it's an interesting question. My dad will always be my dad, but I have a hard time thinking of him in any other way than the way he already is. Imagining him as a crossdresser, or as transgender simply does not compute. Honestly, I think I'd find it a bit unnerving. I wouldn't try to stop him, but it would take some time to get used to. I imagine it would be the same for him in my case.

[Krisi]

It would be weird for me to find out now or when he was alive that my father was a crossdresser. I doubt he was because we children had pretty much the run of the house and if he had anything suspicious, we would surely have found it.

[Robin414]

Wow, GREAT post Rhonda!! I'm fortunate, my dad was amazing, he was a 'man's man' and I was raised to be the same, he tought me never to start a fight...but sure as 'heck' how to finish one! The last time I saw him (on his death bed) he was wearing a rather small wrist watch and I thought 'that's kinda femme', and honestly it felt a little weird...but...I really don't give a crap...😢 He's my dad and he served the roll...WELL!!

I'm 'out' to my kids but I take consolance in the fact I can be a masculine role model and still being femme (think...Pink!)

[MissTee]

My Dad was an alcoholic and extremely abusive to us - physically and mentally. I would likely have had a great childhood if his only vice was dressing and thus I would have loved him dearly.

[mechamoose]

I'm a Dad and a Grandpa.

All of my little ones 'get' me. I served Thanksgiving in a skirt more than once. All those fun little kids calling me 'Grammpa'. (I'm not all that old, honest. 51? chump change.)

Grandpa wears skirts because he likes them. They feel nice.

- MM

[SometimesJen]

When I was younger my dad was the antithesis of effeminate: short tempered, mechanic, outdoorsman, law enforcement, expert shooter. I couldn't even imagine him cross dressed, let alone coming out to me.

When I was in my teens we had a discussion that changed everything. He became more friendly, more caring, more open to me being myself, and more open about his own feelings. He grows flowers, sews, and even talked with me a few times about fashion. Now he has fun telling the story of his crossdressing as a belly dancer, so convincingly even people who had known him for 20 years didn't recognize him. If he came out to me now as a cross dresser I wouldn't see him as any different, still my dad, just with more to talk about.

[Lily Catherine]

When I was first out to Dad he admitted his situation rather calmly (wearing his sister's clothes, extent of presentation still unclear). He must have known what was up, but didn't seem excessively shocked or angry at all, but evidently didn't like the idea on hindsight, and never spoke much about the habit.

I on the other hand was quite surprised at first when he mentioned it, but got over it quickly. He was, after all, my father. I'd still love him unconditionally in the best capacity a son can (never mind one that he wanted me to be a gentleman.)

It's my duty to understand my dad, rather than attempt to enforce the other way round, even and especially when he embarasses me (which is rare since I don't tend to be embarassed easily).