Coming out to GF

[Mia27]

Hey:) it's been forever everyone.. sorry for taking such a long time off. A lot has happened this past year. I broke up with old gf of 3 years, she cheated on me... And claims she wanted the single life. So that was an awful start to my new year... I also went on into public for the first time this year to! I decided I'm single and why the hell not! I'll post pictures later:) now I'm with a new girl, never thought it would happen. I didn't think I was ready.. But this new girl I've been with, is absolutely amazing, we have been together for over a month, but have been seeing each other for almost 4 months now. And I was wondering... When is the right time to come out. I feel like I can trust her, and the urge to tell her about my dressing is increasing.. I just don't want to lose her. We already say we love each other and the relationship is the best thing I've had in my life. When would be the best time to come out? Should I wait longer?? Advice? P.S. I waited over a year before I told my last gf of 3 years. Just a side note.

[MissDanielle]

The sooner the better but with my lack of dating experience, I'm probably not the best person to offer advice. If she really loves you, she will accept you for who you are.

[Mia27]

I may wait till after New Years:) haha let the new year start off with a bang;) lol

[Allison-chan]

Hello Mia,
I think you should tell her at the beginning of the relationship. The sooner the better for both of you.
Happy New Years :-)

[reb.femme]

I told my wife after oooh, too many years to mention. Got together when I was 14. CDing grew on me over the years, so I've never been in your situation.

You were out to your last girl, so only natural you are going to do the same here. Most posters with experience appear to advocate telling as soon as you think the relationship is going somewhere. I think at four months, you've effectively hit that point. Maybe leave it until into the New Year, so as not to hit her with a bombshell when she is hoping to have a good time. Just my take on it, but I've known my other half since 1974, so my insights might be a little dated :heehee:.

Becky

[Rachelakld]

I told my girl, when I felt we were getting in to a serious relationship, meet the family type stuff.

[Jenniferathome]

I waited more than 20 years. Not the right answer. You wrote that you can trust her. if it's serious, to you, sooner is better. My advice is to prepare your coming out speach and practice it. Keep it short and yet detailed. Don't beat around the bush and don't expect her to figure anything out. How I told my wife is in my signature.

Good luck

[mechamoose]

You are who you are.

Edit that for whomever you want, but it ends up the same.

Your GG/GF/BF needs to know, It isn't a crime. If they don't get it, then guess what? They don't get it.

Whomever you are intimate with needs to get that clue. You should be yourself, and if they are still beside you then that is best for both of you. There is zero benefit in hiding something as important as your identity.

It wasn't always obvious for me. My ex didn't get it. My partner now does. I'm a girl in a bull body, and there is nothing wrong with that. What remains is how you and I deal with that. How we share that.

We are who we are, and if 'they' don't get it? Then they don't get it.

Love is great, so long as it isn't based on a lie.

Be yourself, always.

Nothing else can match that, honest.

<3

- MM

[DanaR]

I didn't tell my wife until we had been married for 10 years. I'm not saying that was the best way, but I think that if you haven't known her for very long, if might be easy for her to bolt. It depends on the person, and what their views are on this.

[mechamoose]

If you give them the clue early on, they won't bolt (If they are the right for you)

If they think you are a bull while inside you are a heifer? (Or the other way around) then that is bad. Prima facia for a confrontation. Don't do that.

Surprises are bad.

If you are not being yourself, then you are lying... despite your best intentions. Be yourself.

It has worked for me, and I'm a veteran in the relationship area. Do it.

- MM

[Stephanie47]

I just looked at your picture taken during your trip to Portland. If you've found some time to be totally free and able to indulge yourself with accepting friends, I would not be doing any reveal. If you were with your former girlfriend for several years, there is the possibility you're on the rebound. It sure sounds like it. Enjoy yourself, free of any entanglements for awhile. Just my opinion.

[Mia27]

Thank you everyone for your input!:) it helps more than you know. I think I will wait till after New Years. That would be best:) and I don't believe she is a rebound. I am a committed person when it comes to relationships and I always take them seriously. This girl is special to me and she means a lot, that's why I am seeking advice. I don't want to hurt her, she doesn't deserve that. But I don't want to lie to her either and keep a secret from her. I'll keep you all updated:)

[Krisi]

The time to tell is after you are pretty sure she will not reject you as some sort of pervert, but before you tie the knot and are liable for alimony or child support. Other than that, all I can say is, you know her best and you know yourself best. You have to make the call.

More advice: When it comes time to let her see you dressed as a woman, tone it down. Casual is best. Don't wear a miniskirt, heavy makeup and six inch heels. Don't look like a hooker. Dress similar to the way she dresses.

[mechamoose]

I would suggest that it should be earlier than that.

If I measured by my bar habits I'd be a feminist lesbian.

BE YOURSELF.

DON'T HIDE

YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE.

<3

- MM

[Suzie Petersen]

Hi Mia,

There is no easy answer to this. You can find stories of both positive and negative outcomes with just about any approach and timing, so whatever seem right for you is the path to try.
Unfortunately there is no safe way to "test the water" and when the Cat is out of the Bag, it cannot be undone/unsaid. Only real preparation you can do, is to be prepared for even the worst outcome.

In my case, I told my wife shortly after we started dating. She was fine with it ... then. Problem was, none of us knew what it meant at the time and she was too much in love to let anything get in the way. 20 years later all hell broke loose.

As for immediate timing, I think your plan of waiting till after NY is best.

Good luck to you!

Hugs
Suzie

[FemmeMonique]

Hi All,

I respect and admire those who've come out to wives and SO's. I vacillate on how best to handle my own situation ...

My ex-wife knew part of Monique's story, and it wasn't a positive part of our relationship. It wasn't directly responsible for me leaving the marriage (after 20 yrs together), but it had to be a contributing factor.

Out on my own the past ten years, I've had two serious girlfriends who I never told about Monique. I've come to think it's too much of a burden on someone else and, frankly, maybe there's something nice about keeping this part of myself to myself.

I'm dating a wonderful woman now. Albeit only for four months, I'm hopeful this will be permanent and we end up living together or married. I struggle because I know she loves me for who (she thinks) I am, and we have a "no BS" rule. OTOH, again, I think my crossdressing is a burden for her -- and being somewhat secretive (if not deceitful) is a better path now.

Not to get even deeper about this, but I know if I accepted Monique more, I would share that part of my life with those closest to me.

There's no easy answer!

Monique

[Tina_gm]

As you are already exchanging "I love you's" I would say sooner rather than later. After the new year is fine, probably a good thing even. But I would not wait months and months as the news will only get harder to deal with for her, even if she is not hard against it all. It becomes a matter of hurt as to the secret you keep as much as anything, and trust issues which arrive from secret keeping.

[mikayla1964]

I agree with most everything everyone has said. Early is better and after the new year I would say is the best .but if you wanted to test the water and see how she reacts you could make a comment about dressing up one holloween or that you dressed up on a bet and see how she reacts then you would have a better feeling. she may shrug it off as no big deal. or she may say you didn't and that she hopes she never sees that or something like that.. I have used that before some are cool and say I bet that was fun and others have said that is gross . everyone is different but above all use caution. I'm for one I try to be as honest as possible about things . But I'm by no means a expert . Just use your own judgement.

[Tracii G]

I told the last girl I dated right from the get go even before we had our first date.
She had questions sure but she was cool with it even had a fantasy about kissing another girl in public.
Sooner rather than later is best.

[tictac43]

good luck Mia!!! Hope it goes well at New Year's!! If you feel like the relationship is at that level where you can trust each other with secrets then trust your judgement!

[sarahcrossed]

deffinatly tell her sooner than later. Iver read so many times about gurls comming out later in life to their wives/so's, and it ended badly. And if she finds your girlclothes then she wont automatically think you are cheating.

[Candice June Lee]

I feel, from experience, that the sooner the better. If I had told my wife sooner, well many out comes are possible. But the outcome of not losing a person you've come close to is better when it's sooner. Not to mention you can be yourself. Hiding is a bad thing, for the other party involved as well as yourself.

[avant1465]

Sign me up for "the sooner the better." I've been with my S/O for 4 years, now. I told her of my desire to C/D almost immediately upon meeting and (our) deciding we liked one-another enough to date and maybe become "an item." It's been a dream, ever since..... She supports the C/D me... and it is simply a part of our friend/romantic/intimate life...... She's a dream come true for me... and she seems to like me a LOT .... so we have a good thing going....

[Amanda Monica]

Imho, the sooner the better. Though prepare yourself for several possible outcomes or decisions to make, some preferable to you, some perhaps not. Remember not to overwhelm. As to New Year's, could be 50-50 as to whether that's the right time or not. Depends on what you have planned and where.

[Stephanie Julianna]

I told my then girlfiend about six months into our relationship. That was back in 1968 when there was little publicity or support for crossdressers. At first she asked me if I was gay (Homosexual back then). She had no previous exposure to this part of humanity until I came along. She was only 17 and I was 19. She really tried to work with my dressing over the years and we have arrived at a DADT period which I'd like to change to at least being open enough to let her know when I dress and with whom. The positive side of this story is that she still loves me, we've been married 44 years with 3 children and 7 grandchildren. Anything is possible if you really love each other. That being said, I would not wait to long to tell her. If it is love she will survive the initial shock and realize that this part of you was what may have drawn her to without realizing it. We can be very sensitive and compassionate compared to the manly men. And we really understand the therapeutic value of clothes shopping. I'll say a prayer for you both. If it will help she can write me here and I'll answer any questions she may have about our world and how it can be incorporated into a successful marriage.

[raeleen]

I don't think there's a right answer, though I do think telling is always better than being discovered.

I told my wife about a year into our dating, and I think that was probably too long. And to be honest I think I did it in such a clumsy and awkward way I didn't win myself any points either. :P That being said, she was enthusiastic at first, then started having reservations, and it was something we struggled with for many year and only recently are coming to a place where it feels like we're doing ok. An important piece to remember is that however she takes it, it'll ultimately be a process as it'll shift how she relates to you to a certain degree. You haven't really mentioned if you think she'd be open to this type of thing. Does it feel like she'd be ok with you dressing? Do you know what you're asking of her? As in are you hoping to involve her in the dressing? Do you want to dress at home regularly? Is it ok if she doesn't want to be involved? I'm sure you'll get it figured out and I wish you the best of luck.

No real answers (sorry for that!) but a big hug and a friend;y shoulder to lean on if you need it in the future. Happy New Year!

Hugs,
Raeleen

[Angela Marie]

I told my GF, now wife, after our third date. I knew the relationship was getting serious and I believe honesty is the best policy. Frankly I was more concerned about becoming involved in a relationship and withholding information. If that happened and she was not accepting the breakup would have hurt both of us; but her as an innocent person. Luckily she was accepting and she is ok with my dressing. She won't go out with me but that's ok. Her support really is all that counts.

[Teresapantyhose]

Tell her a.s.a.p. I didn't and after 2 years of dating, 14 yrs of marriage and 2 kids she saw me dressed as zhe came home early from work. Been a LONG 8 yrs since and could have saved her all the grief if I had been upfront right away. To her credit she stayed with me but has flashbacks and rough times still.

[Robin777]

I told my girlfriend now my wife when the relationship got serious and before I proposed. This was in 1979. I told her about it and she accepted it. I took it real slow after we were married. If you are serious about this girl,I would let her know. It's better now than later.

[Tomara]

Hi Mia ,

I'm a believer of having that conversation early in a relationship , you are still in the discovery phase and it's in my opinion the best time to share who you are , all of who you are .
All the best to you in 2016

[TrishaTX]

The right answer is right away of course...but that is easy to say for us outsiders. I waited a long time too long and it effected my relationship and me. I think you will know when and then you will explain. If we all knew , we certainly would tell you for sure...

[RADER]

I hinted it on our 2 ND date; told her on the 3 RD. date
dressed for her on the 4 TH date. She was OK with it.
Rader

[heatherdress]

Most advice is "the sooner the better". But no one else can really tell you what is best for you. No one else knows your crossdressing behaviors and needs or her pre-disposition and understanding of crossdressing. Only you know your girlfriend and the depth of your intimacy and relationship. It is terrific that you found someone and have started to exchange expressions of love. But I can assure you that even if you care for each other and are attracted to one another, a month is a relatively very short period of time regarding relationship building, trust, communications and deep affection. If you care for her, and if you want to be open and honest, and if you do not want to scare her away before she truly knows and accepts you, both the good and the not so good traits - you have to understand the risks of disclosure be more cautious and careful than most of us seem to be advising. She may be much more accepting if she learns how terrific the "total you" is before you share one behavior which may scare her. She is falling in love with you, the whole you. Don't make it a one-issue, pass/fail growth point. If at this early stage, you expose her to the fact that you crossdress, she may panic without ever fully knowing who you are. I am not suggesting that you mislead her, and I do advocate sharing your behavior - but unless there is some compelling reason, I would wait longer, and learn how best to tell her and how to respond to her questions and concerns, and how to assure her that she is most important to you. Good luck. I am happy that you have met someone who seems so special.

[Sarasometimes]

What are the potential outcomes as I see it, of telling her?
She thinks it is great and always wanted to be with a crossdresser.
She is OK with it but needs time to better understand you.
She is not cool with it but is respectful and will share your reveal with no one
She freaks and puts it out on her Facebook page that is linked to many of your friends.

I think you need to assess the likely results of a reveal and if you don't have a very strong feeling it won't be the last one above, maybe wait till you know better. We can undo many things in life but we can never unsay something!

I think there are subtle and not so subtle ways of testing the waters. Maybe suggest try to see how she feels about transgendered people. Is she intimately adventurous? Maybe kiddingly throw on one of her clothing items? Do you use any "women's" grooming products like moisturizer, facial scrub? Does she get pedicures, maybe ask to go and get one with her?

If she verbalizes or infers that guys act like guys I would hesitate. If you have no idea how she will react then i think it is too early in the relationship. Mind you I still haven't revealed straight out to my DADT wife(she knows from her finding some things over the years but not via a conversation. So please take that into consideration as to where I am coming from.

Good Luck!

[Beverley Sims]

In one way the sooner the better, if it doesn't work out you haven't had all that pent up emotion.

I do wish you luck.

[Rachel PT]

You have the best "read" on the situation, but sooner is usually better than later in only that, if it's a deal breaker, why waste all the time and energy to be let done when you "reveal"? If it's a "go", why wouldn't you want to get a head start?

Again, you have the read. Trust yourself and be brave!

[Mia27]

Thank you everyone for the advice! It's helps so much to read and see all the different point of views. So my conclusion on what to do for now. Is to drop some hints, see how she reacts. If it's positive, wait a bit and tell her. If it's negative, I'll wait. I don't want to hurt her or lose her. We may have to build on our relationship before such big news. Thank you everyone:)

[Angie G]

The longer you wait the harder it may be Mia. But then I waited 35 years to tell my wife. I'd have to say don't do that hun.:hugs:
Angie

[donnaS]

It's best to be up front. I didn't, and two months into the marriage it was discovered by her. Biggest issue my SO had was I didn't trust her enough to tell her. I lied about who I was. She is still with me and I dress as I please. Even the bedroom I can be who I am, dressed and all.