Dysphoria on film - this 'tweener needs advice!

[TinaZ]

Hi everyone:

This is my first post in this forum. I don't feel like I belong here. But I no longer feel like I belong in the CD forum, either. I guess I'm a 'tweener.

I have nothing but love and respect for those who post in the CD side, but so often I feel no connection to the threads anymore. Cutting to the chase, I wear panties because they're my daily underwear, not because it's a thrill (although for years I fetishized that, because my little pea brain at the time wasn't ready to accept the word transgender as a personal description.)

I have nothing but love and respect for those who post in this forum, too, but when I read your words, I realize how incredibly brave so many of you are. I realize how strong you are. I realize how authentic you are. And I realize how much of a phony I am - or at least how much of a phony I feel. I can't imagine blowing up my very existence in order to live as I often feel I should. No, no, no, no.

Thus the dysphoria washes over me at times. The last time, I happened to have a camera rolling. For those who don't know me, I play ukulele and sing when I'm in my full, glorious she self, and I publish the videos on Youtube (with a not-so-secret wish to be outed?!) The video below was a few days ago after doing a Christmas song.

So, any advice for a 'tweener?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCmWY_Qh67I

[Zooey]

I have no advice specifically for a "tweener", but I will say this...

Sometimes, when we're especially vulnerable or otherwise impaired, we're the most honest. You appear to be grappling with some pretty heavy stuff here. If you aren't in therapy (ideally with somebody experienced in gender identity issues), I would strongly advise you to start.

[Brooklyn]

I agree with Zooey: get to a gender therapist before it gets worse. You can be happier.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Tina, you certainly are not a phony. You have nothing to apologize for. You have reached the point, while looking in the "truth mirror " , that you see & hear the woman within you beckon . There are so many of us at that juncture. We need to see a good gender therapist when we reach this point in our evolution. There are so so so many variables that are now in play. We need balance & harmony within our dysphoria . You are too good of a person to drown in g. d. . Please work to find that balance before g.d. totally consumes you & destroys what you hold so dear. I am sending many breath prayers to you. With much respect, mel

[Amy Fakley]

Hey Tina! I'm also barely qualified to post in this forum, but God ... We are so much alike ... I Just had to comment.

I'll just say ... I know what it's like to sit on that chair in my practice room, dressed to the 9's and bawl my eyes out too. I just don't make videos (lol) ... But yeah ... Music is how I process my feelings too, and watching you there ruminating on the sh!t end of the stick that being trans can sometimes be ... I get it, sister. I've been there so many times.

I have no advice. But, just know you're not alone in dealing with these feelings in that way.
Hang in there girl, no matter what may come.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Tina;

I've watched and admired your work over the past few years. Guessing this was a bit of a release for you. Watching your post you look to be hitting that almost rock bottom point where choices might need to be made. If you are not seeing someone yet this is the time to reach out before it goes further. Trust me I was there and it's not the place anyone should get to.

Seek out advice and guidance to help you choose your path as there's no right or one answer unfortunately; this is something very personal and to the core.

Best wishes to you on your 2016 path forward which ever direction it takes you.

Cheers... Jennifer

[flatlander_48]

TZ:

Self Discovery Is Hard & Scary Work!

Make no mistake about this. Our minds work towards keeping us safe and out of the danger zone. Subconsciously we know that any consideration of gender issues (and sexuality works the same way) always brings the possibility of upheaval and great change to our lives. And further, it isn't reversible change. Once we get close to understanding who we really are, we can't go back to how we were. It just doesn't fit any longer. We can't return to the life we had.

Personally, I believe that I do not have enough of a mismatch that would warrant consideration of transition in some way. But, I do have the sense that I am too comfortable in my female persona to consider myself only a crossdresser. There is something else at work in the background that makes this all quite easy for me.

I say this to highlight that everyone's path is different for a multitude of reasons. But, it sounds like something has shifted for you. Something has happened that has shined a light on your perspective regarding gender. This would be an excellent time to begin seeing a therapist as the ice has been broken a bit. As I said, the mind wants to avoid anything that could lead to change, so if you wait too long the ice could freeze over again...

DeeAnn

[Robin414]

I'll start by saying I'm in the SAME BOAT Tina!! (I'm on the ledo deck 😉 ).

I'm a tween as well and so far at least it's working for me. I sometimes present as full femme but I feel like I'm 'faking' that and it actually causes anxiety. I tend to present as myself a lot lately (not sure how to describe that but let's say...70/30 - or today 80/20 😉 F/M) and I find I'm accepted very well and it totally eases the GD! I admit, I don't know how long I can be a tween before the gender 'fluid' pools too much on the F side of F/M but you're not alone!!

I loved your video, people here often talk about being authentic, I think that was quite authentic and thank you for sharing!

OH yah, on a lighter note, you look absolutely gorgeous BTW ☺

[AllieSF]

Tina, Sometimes we need moments like yours to make us think a little harder and deeper about ourselves, which many times we try to avoid doing. I wish you the best of luck on your road to discovery, and may you also enjoy that trip because sometimes the trip is actually better than the destination. Hugs and stuff.

[Nigella]

OK, lets put another forum to bed shall we?

There will be NO new forum, there is adequate space for everyone to be catered for in either the CD forum or TS forum. People may call themselves "tweener", but if they do not identify as either CD or TS, then they should post where they feel their thoughts are most appropriate. The moderators will then decide if the post/thread is in the right place.

[pamela7]

Tina, you nail it for many of us, yet again.

it's a big and scary truth to face, and you're not alone. i repeat, you have friends here.

xxx Pamela

[Dana44]

TinaZ, wow yep I have been there. I wrote some of mine down and wow when i open it and read it. OH My... Everybody here says go to a therapist. But well thinking people do not typically need a therapist. But hey we go through this a lot. I have also pierced my ears, have long hair. Also get my nails done. Boy huh, yep we sometimes got it bad.

[Zooey]

But well thinking people do not typically need a therapist. But hey we go through this a lot.

This is so far from accurate that it's almost shocking. Everybody can benefit from therapy.

A "well thinking" person recognizes when they may need an external perspective to help process an issue that they themselves are too deeply embroiled in to see clearly. A "well thinking" person understands that they don't know everything, and that unexpected insight might derive from fresh information. A "well thinking" person understands that being challenged to explain something to a neutral party is often the best way to deeply understand it for yourself.

If you are struggling to understand your identity, you have a very tough problem to solve. Make use of the tools available to you.

[TinaZ]

Finding a therapist is one of the emerging themes here, and thankfully, I've been seeing one for 20 months, give or take.

I'll nutshell a process you all know is more complicated than I present it here, but I initially began therapy when I was naively "exploring my feminine side." Luckily my therapist knew the Pandora's box I was cracking open and always seemed a step ahead of me. A few months later, when my "exploring" was no longer a fun thing, but a dark-and-scary thing, she helped guide me out of some awful places. As she explained later, I was coming to terms with the death of a "me" that I had created all my life, and that's a tough mourning process to go through.

I'm now "between therapists" because my wife really wants me to see a gender specialist. Mine is a general counselor without a specialty in gender issues, though she consulted with someone consistently about my case, always verifying that our process was true and helpful.

Long story short - therapy has been VITAL to my journey, and I hope I connect with my new therapist (a gender specialist). Seems I might be ready for that.

[Marcelle]

Hi Tina ... glad to read you are seeing dealing with things through a therapist. My own therapist mentioned a similar theme about mourning the death of guy me. I mean he defined me for 51 years so some mourning was to be expected. However once I realized those parts of him I liked were still part of me as a woman ... it was easier to let go of him.

Cheers

Marcelle

[PretzelGirl]

I also recommend the other therapy. Stay here in this subforum and speak as frankly as you are comfortable with and do so with the understanding that you will get experience back in return. There isn't one of us that can't learn from someone else, in particular those further down the path or settled in longer.

[Donnagirl]

Oh Miss TinaZ,

That brought a tear to my eye as you seem to be exactly where I was a little less than a year ago. Sorry to say that, for me it got a lot worse before it got better. Denial and surpression are the road to depression and anxiety. The want to be the authentic you will grow, the floodgates of emotion will open and the pain and hurt will intensify.

Find a good, experienced Psychiatrist and doctor. I doubted initially but found truth in the claim that the only real cure for dysphoria is HRT. Get you hormones right and the brain chemistry seems to fix itself too. Don't hang on too long, the inevitable is the inevitable and the longer you fight, the more you hurt yourself and those around you.

Your sweet SO needs to be part of every step, be there with the psych and the doc. Remember my little darling went from throwing my stuff out and hating every aspect of it to loving being out shopping with me. She may have lost her man, but she's gained a stable and happy partner, a fantastic shopping buddy and our loving relationship not only remains, it's stronger than ever.

I do wish you well and I know only you can set the pace at which you'll proceed, but I'm unhappy that you will live the same fear and depression I did, you'll make the same poor judgements I made and you'll suffer as I (and everyone else) has. I'm here for you... Call when ever you want. Happy to Skype when your ready...

Here's hoping your 2016 was better than my 2015.

Donna xx xx xx

[Heidi Stevens]

Let me also say welcome to you, Tina. I guess I'm a tweener as well, but only because my wife will stay with me if I present as a male. Inside I know I'm a woman, but I select to keep my male persona only because of love. I think you've come to the conclusion that you've reached that fork in the road where you need some top notch professional help to progress in life and get some questions answered. Get that help soon and you'll soon be singing "Ease On Down the Road" toward your future.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I watched the video...
You are screwed (LOL)....

just remember this...you can't negotiate or bargain with gender dysphoria....it will lay you bare, and having the right support and therapy is hugely helpful if you want your own best quality of life...
if the video is just a moment in time for you, then be on the lookout for how many moments there are....more than before? the same?? (it wont be less as we all know)...are they more or less intense...be analytical and honest with yourself..
I did alot of self lying and compartmentalizing for quite some time...

I found your video to be quite frankly incredible and underneath your pauses and smiles i saw many of us while in the throes of trying to figure out the feeling....it can be quite horrible especially if it ramps up in intensity...
i found your observations to be very insightful and thoughtful..
i have been exactly there..
video taping myself in hotel parking lots at 3am.... walking down main street at 4am... crying in my motel bed at 530am because i had to go to work at 730... maybe you'll never get to the point i did...but you need the right support and therapy to give you the best chance of succeeding at living your true nature whatever that is...

[Leah Lynn]

Hi Tina,

No fancy words for you today, sorry to say. I know exactly where you are with this. I fought the GD for six decades. I did everything to try to drive it away. Military, covert unit, married, then many different occupations that were traditionally masculine. Gandy dancer, mining, heavy equipment, trucking. Still trucking. I drank to excess, used drugs, etc. One therapist pointed out that had a deathwish. I rode with several motorcycle "clubs". A founding father of the old Satan's Soldiers MC in Memphis, in the early 70's.

I finally reached that point where I had a choice to make. Deal with it, realize that it's real and there is a way to live with it, or put a bullet through my head.

So, I hope you see the gender therapist and I pray your wife will be accepting of you and what you're facing.

Good luck, Tina,

Leah

[kelly10]

Ouch. Shock of recognition. I didn't really think I could be the only one but holy crap! Seems almost everyone has been here. The video brought tears to my eyes as I saw myself. Thanks Tina for putting yourself out there and helping me to feel less alone.

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Tina, that’s a very poignant video. It certainly rings true for me in that there was a moment, not so many months ago, that my understanding of myself reached that tipping point of realization that the uninhibited expression of my feminine nature was essential to my well-being and no longer was I going to deny the importance of it.

More so for me was the realization that I no longer needed to suppress it since the real obstacle to free expression of my gender identity was the self-imposed shame and guilt carried along as unintended baggage from my childhood. Baggage that I have systematically sorted through and tossed out the window over the last 12 months or so.

Not that I feel very qualified to offer advice to you but I will say from my experience that deep down inside I knew that my need to be female was not going away and that decades of trying to suppress it have just been an obstacle to fulfillment in my life. Once I accepted it as a good and wonderful thing then my world changed in a very positive way. The practical logistics of transitioning are extremely difficult and varied but when approached with determination they can be overcome. I found it useful to make a list of the biggest most scarriest obstacles and then develop a plan on how best to deal with them. It then became clear to me that I had already overcome the biggest baddest obstacle and that one was myself.

Dealing with being a “tweener” or gender fluid for me is just too stressful. Switching back to boy mode when required is such a downer and seems so wrong. Logistics of switching become cumbersome at best and if you are closeted then logistics become a stress factory. But I do know gender fluid folks that make it work well and are satisfied with their lives.

It’s your gender and you should have the right to define it however you like.

It is a simultaneously wonderful and terrifying thing, this realization of self, isn’t it? I think your video expresses it rather well so thanks for sharing it with us here. Good luck on finding your path.

Hugs,

Stephanie
Tucson