Help with family

[Teresapantyhose]

Hello,

In need of advice as just found out that I have a relative that has decided to transition from a man to a woman and another from woman to man. MTF is 53 year old cousin and younger relative us FTM second cousin. Extremely conservative family that is church going. Cousin lost his mom 3 years ago and dad not doing well. Have another cousin who is gay and has been accepted along with his partner but has been out for years.

My dilemma is this: I came out to my wife as a CD 8 years ago and has taken all of that time to get back to a normal loving relationship. I have not dressed in over 5 years but have worn hose a few times so not really dressing anymore to speak of. Need advice how to broach the subject to my wife of my relatives and how to possibly reach out to them.

Thanks in advance for any ideas.

Teres

[Pat]

Reaching out to your relatives can just be as simple as a note saying you want them to know you support them. It's about them and I expect some reassurance would be appreciated. That's not really controversial so I don't think your wife or the rest of the family can get too upset about that. As for you being a crossdresser, you really have nothing in common with them, right? If you're suppressing that side of you there's no reason to dust it off now unless you're thinking you might want to get more in touch with that side of you. In that case, it's better to address it with your wife first and cousins later. ;) Just my opinion.

[Teresa]

Hi Teresa,
Apart from CDing we have a name in common .
I'm not certain how you can reach out, I assume you still have the CDing feelings otherwise you wouldn't be here but not really dressing for five years perhaps doesn't make you the best person to pass on advice, I guess you need to know what's going on in yourself before you can help others.
Perhaps to make a start you could suggest to your relatives to check out the forum if they haven't already done so.
Do you need to broach the subject with you wife to contact your relatives ? What grounds would she object to giving some help to them ?

I still think it's great that you want to help them I would feel the same way but would do what I could with or without my wife's approval, at the end of the day I think she would feel it was commendable .

[Sky]

Seems like your relatives decision have nothing to do with you, not directly anyway. Then again, it could be a good opportunity to test the waters. Tell her what your relatives have decided, in the lightest, most casual way. If she snaps at you or looks displeased, drop the issue immediately, and you will know that she's still sore and unwilling to revisit the issue. If, on the other hand, she goes with the light mood or at least is receptive, carefully test how she feels about transitioning in general. Sometimes people change with time, but not always. In any case, please do not assume what she thinks or feels. There's no substitute for asking.

[Stephanie Julianna]

Just reach out to these relations and let them know that you support them and will be there for them. As far as your wife, if she is like mine, all this stuff with Jenner and Jazz and others who have transitioned publicly, have made her nervous that this might be what I really want when I dress. I will admit that sometimes I do think that way but my family situation brings me back to reality. Let your wife know that all this support will not drag you along and she should be O.K. but she still may be suspicious for a while.

[Katey888]

Hello Teresa,

I'm not sure I completely see any dilemma here, unless you just mean you are desiring to be open with your wife about your relatives and your concern is that this may reawaken some bad feelings between you and your wife (you have implied this in what you say - apologies if I have misinterpreted)?

My first thought would be whether or not your wife needs to know about your cousins? If you are a close family, I guess she will find out eventually, but it would surely be unreasonable of her to equate anything happening in your extended family with what you have gone through (and recently, clearly suppressed) in the past...? :) My recommendation would be that you simply be open and matter-of-fact regarding the transitioning cousins, and restate to your wife any commitment or position that you feel may need restating with regards to your own dressing behaviour.

As to reaching out to your cousins - hopefully as they are family they would be understanding and perhaps welcome a supportive soul, but I'd advise caution on two aspects:
- First, wouldn't your overt support potentially 'out' you to the rest of your family?
- Secondly, if you've read a lot here, you'll realise that TS folk are not always fully understanding of CD/TG folk (and vice versa!) - so a cautious approach might be more advisable. After all, you can be supportive without necessarily revealing all your innermost, personal secrets...?

Katey x

[Sarah Doepner]

I have relatives who are very different from me in politics, religion, finances, sport teams, sexual orientation and gender. However they are still my relatives and regardless of the specifics of our potentials for conflict, I am always able to send a get well card, a congratulations note or extend a thank you when they do something on my behalf. None of them know I am a crossdresser, they only know I'm their cousin who cares. You can reach out without disclosing your inner workings.

[Stephanie47]

As far as reaching out to your family I'd say just accept them as normal people. They really do not have a disease. I certainly would not run up to any of them and say I heard you're gay or transitioning. Hey, that's cool! Or send them a Hallmark greeting card.

Your wife? That's a different story. I'd just tell her that you just heard so and so and so and so are transgenders and are transitioning from FtM and MtF, and, "Let's have them both over for dinner next week!"

[heatherdress]

Teresa - Do you want to use the transitions of your relative and you friend to open up a dialog with your wife related to your crossdressing?

You have just returned to a normal loving relationship with her after confiding to her that your crossdressed - 8 years ago - and abstaining from crossdressing - for the past 5 years. That seems like a long recovery time - and you don't even crossdress any more. So why would a simple mention now, of two other people who are transitioning, affect your wife, and maybe your relationship? Why even tell her if you think there might be some risk?

[MissDanielle]

You don't have to tell your relatives that you CD but every ounce of support counts. I've only just come to terms with being trans last month and while my parents are in denial, every bit of support is good for me as I push forward.

[Teresapantyhose]

Thanks for all of the comments and advice. I am hoping to be in contact with them soon.