Well I think I blew it [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

Stephanie47

01-03-2016, 02:57 AM

You have fallen victim to one of the consequences of participating on this site. It sometimes emboldens some to take chances and put that toe in the water. The kitten is out of the bag. I expect 38 years of marriage will hold everything together. It may be a little rocky, but, hey, that's what marriage is all about. When I checked your bio to see your age I noticed your picture. You're a good looking woman. If you look more attractive than your wife in a dress, the road may be a little rockier for a while.

She told me to go hang out with Bruce/Caitlyn

I'd take that as permission to venture out into the world all dolled up.

kittie60

01-03-2016, 02:57 AM

Sounds like damage control time. A good calm talk is what's needed here. You can't throw 38 yrs of marriage down the drain. Be calm and truthful and respectful t her. Of course that works both ways but figure it out and the best of luck to you.

Sarah Louise

01-03-2016, 03:14 AM

Still being in the closet myself, I'm probably not the best one to comment, but I agree that it sounds like you need to tell her you love her and have a full and open conversation when she calms down. Hopefully, with a little bit of education, helped by showing her some of the more helpful websites that are available, she will accept you, at least on some level.

Good luck. I really hope it all works out.

Sandra

01-03-2016, 05:32 AM

Sit down and talk to her, explain everything and I mean everything don't leave anything out only to bring it up later or she will be asking why didn't you tell her at this time.

Give her time to process what has happened and what has been said. Her questions are what nearly every GG asks so no surprises there, what you need to do is answer them honestly again tell her everything.

It is no good just telling half a story as this will just cause more problems later on when the rest of the story comes out. You could in time direct her to this site telling her about the private FAB forum we have here just for wives/partners of cders/ts. Here she will find GGs who will help, give advice and support her.

Teresa

01-03-2016, 05:45 AM

Judy,
I hope the worse doesn't happen and she purges your stuff !
I guess it's time to sit down and give her the facts, it's not going away , you're stuck with it so you've got to put some facts on the table and see what she can go with and see where your boundaries are going to be set.
I guess she'll go through the usual questions , do you know what your answers are going to be ? I hope the forum has been some help to you think it all through knowing this was going to happen at some point.

Katey888

01-03-2016, 06:19 AM

Oh dear! :hugs:

There's a lot of good advice already - principally, just keep talking and answer her questions honestly.

It strikes me (as another 'secret squirrel' here) that the salutary lesson of this for others is: think it through thoroughly first and have your explanation and answers ready, preferably in the form of a heartfelt letter, rather than just blurting out the fact you think it would be fun to wear a dress... Definitely not a tactic I'll be employing in the near or distant future... :eek:

Good luck with the damage control - and: Don't try this at home, readers...

Katey x

Marcelle

01-03-2016, 07:51 AM

Hello Judy,

So sorry to read about such an event. Hopefully things will level out over the next few days as your wife takes time to process things. As many have said, the only way forward now is open and honest communication. Awhile back I started a thread about communication after the big reveal. Regardless of whether the reveal goes bad or good, honest communication is the only way forward at that point. Many folks here provided some great advice on that thread so if you are inclined have a read.

Cheers

Marcelle

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?226009-Communication-and-moving-forward-All-observations-welcomed-GGs-encouraged&highlight=

ChristinaK

01-03-2016, 08:36 AM

Hi Judy,

Many of us have been in similar situations. Take it slow, keep your cool and try to ease into this using the great advice here. Good luck.

Heidi Stevens

01-03-2016, 09:02 AM

Judy, as you have read, you are not the first to open this door. I was married 25 years before I told my wife about Heidi. And the sh#t hit the fan for us, almost word for word to what you told us. I let her think things over for a while and a few days later asked if she wanted some answers and reasons. She did calm down and this began the conversation between us that has been going on now for almost 2 years. Progress is slow, but you both have a lot of time and effort invested in this relationship, and I doubt either of you wants to throw in the towel now. If she does, there were problems before this revelation, this just set things in motion. Hang in there, get ready for the long talk, Judy.

KristyE

01-03-2016, 09:09 AM

Judy, I did the same as you, I thought she would be ok with a little. My wife of 35 years, after a few days of thought ask for a divorce. I suggested couples therapy which we did. The therapist helped explain I was not crazy. We are still together, although DADT but slowly warming. If you want to stay together this might help.
Best of Luck
Love KristyE

heatherdress

01-03-2016, 09:18 AM

After 37 years, your marriage will most likely survive this discovery. You need to: give her time to process; respond to questions; provide assurances; and continue doing all the other things you have been doing to make her happy the past 37-plus years. She may be hurt, angry, threatened, even scared. She probably needs a lot of information and dialog, as suggested. It may get worse before it gets better, but if you are honest and sensitive, it will, most likely, get better and might even add a new dimension to your marriage. Also, some professional counseling might be helpful. Good luck, Judy. Couples face a lot worse and move on. You both should too.

Suzie Petersen

01-03-2016, 09:30 AM

Judy,

Rough way to start the year!

There is no solid solution anyone here can provide unfortunately. If you read the stories, you will of course find that what works for one, does not work for another.
A lot depends on how your wife usually deal with change, how solid the marriage has been so far, and a bunch of other variables.

After that many years together, she probably thought she knew you pretty well and she did not expect any surprises anymore. Her immediate reaction also indicates she does not have high thoughts on the CD/TG/TS community, maybe caused by the environment she grew up in, her work or just the circles she moves in.
Expect that she will continue to associate this with being gay, that you have lied to her, that nothing you ever told her was true and so on. Also expect that she will consider this a choice you are making and that you can simply "un-chose" it.

A lot also depends on how you typically act when something "new" catches your fancy. If you tend to go all out and dive into a "new" interest full bore, then she might have learned to block things she does not like full force.
But, we dont know her, you do.

Keep in mind, that most people do not have any knowledge of this topic. Heck, even inside the group, we cannot agree on who is who and what to make of it all. Most "outsides" only know what they see in the press and that is unfortunately not a good thing. If they do venture into exploring on the net, it typically just gets worse since they will come across many websites which displays a side of this which is not exactly helpful to calm a wife down.

My best advise would be to just assure her that nothing has changed! You are still the same man you always were and that if she objects to this then nothing in your daily life is going to change now.
Stay calm and try not to overreact.

As for writing her a letter and explain what you feel, that can be a good approach for some. BUT .. consider that it can also be used later as a confession and proof, should it all go really bad.

Good luck to you, you are probably going to need it!

Hugs
Suzie

karynspanties

01-03-2016, 09:41 AM

This happens a lot. Bottom line is she married a man. Now that she knows you dress, she will never look at you the same. Everytime she looks at you, she will see you dressed as a womam. That is a cold hard fact. You crossed that invisible line. You let that cat out of the bag and there is no putting it back in. You will get a lot of advise on this site. A lot of it bad advise. I am not going to say what you should do or not do, what you should have or not have done. All I will say is that ONLY YOU know your wife and what she may or may not be able to handle and not anyone here on this forum. But your marriage will never be the same.

somestimeskaren

01-03-2016, 09:51 AM

When I told my wife about my desire to dress the only question she had was did I have a stash.I showed her some stockings and a pair of heels,she was ok with the whole idea and even helped shop for some things.I didn't tell her how far I wanted to go,wig ,makeup ,dress, heels.We are no longer togeather but she says my crossdressing wasn't an issue.Good luck, I hope you can save your marriage.

Sarasometimes

01-03-2016, 09:57 AM

If it is something you or her would consider, try a good therapist.

I'm closeted/DADT and I wish you the best but I'm not in a position to advise you at this point other than the idea of a therapist.

01-03-2016, 10:00 AM

Yikes! Well I hope you talk to her and explain and answer her questions. Those really are the questions a Gg would say given thrown a curve ball from left field .... I like to wear a dress. From out of no where.
Write it if you can not talk to her and let her see you are the same you she loves, nothing has changed its only you were to afraid to e plain it. Then explain it..
Do not make promises you can not keep like stop dressing.... It will only make things worse when you can not keep that promise. Maybe invite her here and we have a awesome FAB section she can talk about everything
Best Wishes

donnaS

01-03-2016, 10:15 AM

What a bummer! I remember our talk with my wife. She has seen pictures, but never seen me totally dressed. I wear whatever I want around the house, just no wig or makeup.
When she is at work or out of town, she knows and allows me to totally dress.
My wife thought she married a man, but two months into the marriage and she learns she married a transgender man.
Ouch! Luckily she is working with me.

Pat

01-03-2016, 10:18 AM

From what you say, she seems to have some (negative) concept of crossdressers so she has some pre-concieved notion of what crossdressers are. I'd go from there -- if she's willing to talk, find out what her perceptions of crossdressing are; why she holds those opinions. Did she have a friend who had a bad experience with a crossdressing mate? Ask if you've given her any reason in the last 37 years to expect bad behavior from you (n.b. only ask if you reasonably think the answer is no.) If you know the prejudice she carries, you might be able to guide the conversation. It's easy to have abstract notions about strangers and harder to hold those notions when you have to deal with real people in your life especially if those people have proven themselves over time to be dependable, loyal and sane.

Amy Fakley

01-03-2016, 10:19 AM

Following on to what Eryn offered, do not let things go unsaid now. Your approach to coming out was unwise but now you are all in, TALK about. Answer her questions and let her know you will be totally forthright in every answer.

THIS. Silence is not your friend. Talk, talk, talk.

I so vividly remember being full of adrenaline and nerves and bring wound up like a jet engine after finally spilling my guts to my wife. I felt so exposed, and vulnerable, and I just wanted it all to go away. I wanted to "unspill the milk" so badly.

In that way, silence was seductive. It felt like a calm from the storm, and gave the illusion of unspilt milk. I'm very, VERY glad I saw through that illusion, and took the harder path of opening up, and talking ... And talking ... And having to be so honest it hurt ...

I am convinced that taking that path is not only what saved our marriage, but honestly .... It made it a hundred thousand times better than it had been for the previous 17 years before I came out to her. Our marriage now, is practically unrecognizable from before ... In all the best ways.

Best of luck to you. It's a rough sea, but it can be navigated successfully ... Just keep Talking :-)

char GG

01-03-2016, 10:50 AM

So, you have known that you are a CDer obviously for a long time but she just found out. Did you expect her to jump for joy? That is a huge surprise! Give her some time and don't get huffy about it. You will only make it worse. Talk calmly and let her know how you feel about HER!

NicoleScott

01-03-2016, 10:57 AM

Many members revealed to their wives that they crossdress and are met with great acceptance and support. Well, if it works for some it must work for all so they become advocates for telling. If the marriage goes south they insist it must have been for other reasons. And they bear none of the consequences for their advise. You're alone. On top of that, it's your fault. Yes, you should tell but you did it wrong.
As crossdressers, we are guys with fake girl names here. We know nothing about your relationship with you wife. We should tell our stories and leave out judgement (you're dishonest if you keep it secret) and advice (tell - it'll be OK).

Teresa

01-03-2016, 10:57 AM

Amy,
I know that comment so well, talking and being so honest it hurts !
The difference is I don't find the silence seductive, the long silences just let your mind go round in circles trying to imagine what your partner is thinking, very often it's not you or your CDing she's thinking about at all, but when the moods and silences come along it's all too easy to think you're the cause of her all her problems !

MissTee

01-03-2016, 11:11 AM

Sorry to hear things are rocky since your reveal, Judy. Do keep communicating, but don't rush things. Keeping you in our thoughts and hoping for a positive outcome.

Angie G

01-03-2016, 11:19 AM

WOW major bummer Judy. I'd say just chill for now it may work out.:hugs:
Angie

Sandra

01-03-2016, 11:54 AM

This happens a lot. Bottom line is she married a man. Now that she knows you dress, she will never look at you the same. Everytime she looks at you, she will see you dressed as a womam. That is a cold hard fact.

Really so you know this about all wives/partners do you? It isn't a cold hard fact, not all SOs are like this and there is a lot of GGs here who are far from being what you have said.

But your marriage will never be the same.

Again how do you know, you don't know anything about their marriage and how things are going to be. You just seem to be lumping all SO's and marriages together and giving a negative result. Yes some don't work and go down the pan but don't try and make out this happens all the time, we have a lot of couples on here who's marriages are the same and even better.

Jenniferathome

01-03-2016, 12:08 PM

AnnieMac

01-03-2016, 12:28 PM

Naaaw man you didn't blow it that bad. There are FAR worse things that can happen in a marriage. Just don't overthink it. There are many here on this forum that will post threads leading you to believe your very next step should be HRT, transition and divorce. If she asks, just tell her that once and a while you are curious to know what women's clothes and women FEEL like, to better understand. That's pretty much the truth too! And, your not going to become a woman and turn into Caitlyn Jenner overnight. She just got creeped out a little thinking thats what is going to happen thats all. If you treat it like a big deal, she will think it's a big deal. So lie low a little with the dressing, be your normal self, and don't bring it up again unless she does and then mention the above. Just CD is not a big enough reason to blow up a marriage and a family, even if you have to knock it off for a while. It's just not that important. - Dr. Annie's two cents.

PS. The Caitlyn Jenner thing is as much of a curse, as it is a help. I was thinking recently, how many GGs that are really named Caitlyn and have to deal with that, that want to poke Jenner in the nose! Like for gosh sakes, WHY did he have to pick MY name!

Stephanie47

01-03-2016, 12:48 PM

I had a big long addition to my post at #13. I have to respectfully disagree with AnnieMac (#39). If you're going to come clean on the crossdressing issue, you need to come clean and not try to perpetuate the charade. I do not wear women's clothing to "better understand." I told my wife I do not know why I feel the need to wear women's clothing. That's the truth. I told her that when we had the "talk" more than forty years ago. You need to air the issue to resolve the pertinent questions and rebute any crazy notions she may have. I told my wife I am not gay. She is not my cover for homosexuality. I told her these desires started in my youth and long before I ever met her. I was a male child among six males cousins. There were no sisters, cousins, aunt and mothers who dressed me up. Actually, in the 1950's and 1960's sex did not exist in the public arena. Playboy magazine was a big deal. There was no Internet porn. Magazine ads were about the most risque pictures one could find.

Basically, I told her I do not know why I do what I do. I also told her I wish I did not have these feelings, but, they are there. Whether or not a wife wants to hear it or not, it is part of my essence and your essence. Don't treat it as a hobby that you can get bored with. It's not like coin collecting or building plastic models. It is a part of your core. You have been married for a very long time. Does this reveal wipe out 30+ years of marriage? The secret? Yes, you carried a secret. I asked my wife, even though we did share some bedroom play with negligees and hosiery, how do I tell a woman I love I like to wear women's clothing. Yes, there is the fear factor on both sides of the coin.

Be open. Discuss the issues/ Don't hold back and try to keep part of it a secret.

The most difficult part of DADT really is the lack of communication past resolving the initial revelation. Yes, it is better than daily screaming and yelling or throwing dishes in the kitchen. However, it is also something that is not shared when everything else in a successful marriage is shared. I never made any commitment after the "talk" that I was going to abandon my desires.....I couldn't.

Although I do not know what drove me to wearing women's clothing..."The Why." I could express the feelings wearing women's clothing brings me. But, silence is NOT golden.

AnnieMac

01-03-2016, 01:00 PM

and I have to respectfully kinda disagree with Stephanie47 (#40) What she says is not entirely incorrect and could work for some, and perhaps nicely. But it's a risk you will have to decide whether its right for you and whether you could deal with the consequences or not. You're basically risking your marriage on having a 50-50 shot on how she will react. She will either basically say we will find a way to get through it and make it work for us, or no way, I married a MAN, and I'm not dealing with that, I'm outta here! My personal take is at this point, and yeah I know its kicking the can down the road a little, but I'd let it lie for now and see how she reacts to what she knows already. That might give you a little better insight on how she might react to the BIG talk. There is no rush, especially since you have been married for so long.
Now I will admit this to y'all. I am still in the closet and my wife doesn't know - so that could tell you how much my advice is worth :) But Just thought I'd give my take on it.

karynspanties

01-03-2016, 01:23 PM

Really so you know this about all wives/partners do you? It isn't a cold hard fact, not all SOs are like this and there is a lot of GGs here who are far from being what you have said.

Well sweetie.....if you untwist your panties and go back and reread my statement you would see if that I never said all wives!! nd if you think that a woman that is married to a man for 35 years and then finds out he is a crossdresser and still looks at him the same way once she finds out......then you are delusional.

Again how do you know, you don't know anything about their marriage and how things are going to be. You just seem to be lumping all SO's and marriages together and giving a negative result. Yes some don't work and go down the pan but don't try and make out this happens all the time, we have a lot of couples on here who's marriages are the same and even better.

I never claimed to know anything about their marriage. But again, do you honestly think that after the statements she made that the marriage will be the same? REALLY???? And I am not lumping all marriages into one. I said ALOT of marriages are not the same. I never said all. DO NOT PUT WORDS INTO MY MOUTH OR TWIST MY COMMENTS AROUND SWEETHEART!!!

NicoleScott

01-03-2016, 01:23 PM

There are wives who accept their husband's crossdressing. Yay. But there are women who, for whatever reason right or wrong, cannot be married to a crossdressing husband, without regard to other relationship factors. Why is there so much denial here?

karynspanties

01-03-2016, 01:30 PM

Sandra, you beat me to it, but Karyn, your obviously bad experience is a direct reflection of YOU and YOUR relationship. You really need to get introspective and objective about yourself. Your life will be better for it.

You are so so wrong. My wife and I were married in 1982 and she found out with in the first 6 months and we are still going strong. She sees me dressed all the time, just does not go out with me dressed. So much for your advise!!

- - - Updated - - -

There are wives who accept their husband's crossdressing. Yay. But there are women who, for whatever reason right or wrong, cannot be married to a crossdressing husband, without regard to other relationship factors. Why is there so much denial here?

100% accurate !! The denial is pink fog.

sometimes_miss

01-03-2016, 01:34 PM

Naaaw man you didn't blow it that bad. There are FAR worse things that can happen in a marriage.
Yes, to US there are far worse things, but to a wife, this IS a big one, especially if anyone else finds out. Of all the things that men can be, anything that can alter whether a woman still feels sexual attraction to us is potentially more important than the rest. Hopefully as we age it might not have as big of an impact, but there's no way to tell. Women suddenly finding out something in later life, and declaring 'he's not the man I thought I married', then jettisoning her husband, isn't by any means unheard of. Hopefully she'll deal with it and not just look for an out. A danger in later life, is that women are past the point where they will temporarily stay together just for the children's sake while they work things out.

This happens a lot. Bottom line is she married a man. Now that she knows you dress, she will never look at you the same. Everytime she looks at you, she will see you dressed as a woman.
Maybe not every time, but more importantly, when it counts.

You just seem to be lumping all SO's and marriages together and giving a negative result.
The thing is, if it works out that's great. But it helps to be prepared for the worst, and be able to see the signs. But whether she approves or hates it, the situation has changed. Even you have to admit that

"what the hell are you saying, are you gay, are you a cross-dresser, do you have a hidden stash of woman's clothes? Your all screwed up!"

Kind of indicates that she's not exactly thrilled with the situation at this point, nor has any knowledge about crossdressers. Just because Caitlyn's out there doesn't mean it's any easier when it hits closer to home.

Oh yeah. Prepare for the worst possible scenario. If everything works out, great, and we'll all be thrilled for you! But if the s*** hits the fan, you need to be ready. Keep some cash available outside the home, as well as a couple of shirts, underwear, etc.. Some of us have come home and found the locks changed, and been locked out of our homes without warning. Be prepared to find your bank accounts closed, credit cards cancelled, perhaps even your car repossessed or towed if she reports it stolen. Hopefully since the Caitlyn Jenner thing our society is past the point where she'd get a restraining order against you seeing your grandchildren or anything like that, though it has happened in the past (that's one positive 'Caitlyn' impact; while we may not be considered normal quite yet, at least we're usually no longer considered dangerous to children). Consider each of your friends, and how it would impact you if they found out. Same with family and work.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and some women take this issue as a HUGE act of lying on our part.

karynspanties

01-03-2016, 01:34 PM

I'd take that as permission to venture out into the world all dolled up.[/QUOTE]

Really Stepanie47???? I highly doubt that is what she meant. Again......bad advise.

SHY KIM

01-03-2016, 01:50 PM

I just had an evening away with my wife and "very respectfully and diplomatically " addressed the issue that I am planning to start being active and social as Kim (ABOUT ONCE A MONTH OR SO). Lisa knew about my interest but would rather leave it than live with it. I gave a lot of thought and consideration into how I would present my desire as well as to be sure I took into account her worries and concerns. I presented her with a 6 page letter entitled "My Story" which outlined my cross dressing history starting with my initial curiosity at 4 or 5 years old, thru adolescent, teen and adult years. It helped she knew about me before we got married (BEEN TOGETHER 35 YEARS SINCE 16 YRS OLD). It wasn't easy for her, but we kept talking it thru and I start my coming out in a few weeks at a local chapter meeting.
You have a tough time ahead but stay the course and remember to be respectful of her concerns first and foremost.
Some of the best advice I ever received - " The truth will set you free"
Good luck!
Kim

Judy-Somthing

01-03-2016, 02:17 PM

I have to play it cool, I realy hope she calms down.
Wish me luck

Sandra

01-03-2016, 02:52 PM

I never claimed to know anything about their marriage. But again, do you honestly think that after the statements she made that the marriage will be the same? REALLY???? And I am not lumping all marriages into one. I said ALOT of marriages are not the same. I never said all. DO NOT PUT WORDS INTO MY MOUTH OR TWIST MY COMMENTS AROUND SWEETHEART!!!

I made similar statements when Nigella came out to me and I'm still here and our marriage is 27 years strong and I knew from 6 months into the marriage, the same as some of the GGs on this forum so yes some not all will be the same. I am not putting words into your mouth I said you seem not the same as saying you are. Oh and there really is not need to shout and I'm not your sweetheart!

Judy-Somthing

01-03-2016, 03:09 PM

Thanks for the advice.
Well we slept together last night , Back to Back.
This morning she's been cleaning like crazy.

This afternoon before going out she told me that she feels like she got hit by a BUS.
She said thing will never be the same and that I better never tell anyone .

I took my photos down I don't need any more gas on the fire.

Sandra

01-03-2016, 03:12 PM

Give her time Judy and hopefully when she has processed this things will be better...just don't expect it to happen over night it could take weeks, months even years.

Eryn

01-03-2016, 03:27 PM

...Prepare for the worst possible scenario. Keep some cash available outside the home, as well as a couple of shirts, underwear, etc..

And what happens if a spouse who was previously on the fence finds out about these preparations? She'll think "He was planning to leave me all along!" and things will deteriorate from there.

Better to focus on the relationship. Tell the spouse how important your relationship is. Tell her that you've been TG for a long time and didn't tell her because you were scared of damaging that relationship.

The fact is that a strong long-term relationship has an excellent chance of weathering this storm. Adaptations can be made by both parties if they are invested in continuing the relationship. The danger lies in marriages which were already strained by other issues, or ones in which the spouse's dogma rejects transgenderism out of hand.

Lorileah

01-03-2016, 03:31 PM

Telling you to go hang out with Caitlyn wasn't permission BTW. It was her attempt to make you see exactly how she and others would view you. It does however show that even when more TGs are visible, without context and education, common people have no idea what we are.

If your initial foray into explaining it to her was " I want to wear a dress" I can see why she lost it. Being more subtle works better (you could still get that same reaction but usually it's tempered).

Personally...I'd back away and let this cool and then IF the opportunity arises you walk slowly. Never hurts to start with "Honey, I love you more than anything." Then you can make it more about YOU. "but I have this desire, it doesn't change my feelings toward you or make a different person. It is something I have struggled with for my whole life. I know you will have questions and I will answer each one, separately and calmly, as honestly as I possibly can. If at anytime you feel overwhelmed, we can take a break until you feel you want to talk about it again. Let me stress though that this isn't something new for me, it is something, just as you are doing now, I have struggled with and tried to understand myself. This could me a long and wonderful journey we can take together. I would, very much, like you to be at my side."

char GG

01-03-2016, 04:47 PM

from Sometimes_Miss

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and some women take this issue as a HUGE act of lying on our part.

And this is a big problem. Wives may forgive but they don't forget. It takes a long time and a lot of patience to rebuild the trust.

sometimes_miss

01-03-2016, 05:29 PM

Why is there so much denial here?
The pink fog be-ith strong here. This is a safe haven where we can all pretend for a little while, that the world is CD friendly and everyone loves and supports us. While that's very good for our self esteem, it can potentially be a problem when we step back into the real world.

And what happens if a spouse who was previously on the fence finds out about these preparations? She'll think "He was planning to leave me all along!" and things will deteriorate from there.
First, let me say that I'm very happy for you that you have such a supportive wife. I wish we all did. But we don't, that's certainly not the universal experience, and to assume it will be could spell disaster. It's like expecting all politicians to be honest because as far as you know, yours hasn't lied to you yet.
I'm not talking about a trunk full of treasure here. Five $100 bills in the pocket of a wallet, and a couple of shirts/undies in locker somewhere hardly constitutes what anyone would do if they were planning on leaving home, not to mention that if anyone were planning on leaving home, why would they wait until their wife suddenly discovered them to be a crossdresser? Especially after all that time? It would have happened much sooner.
I stand by my recommendations. Much better to be prepared for the worst than to just hope for the best and leave it up to someone else's decision (someone who's already not particularly happy with me) to decide what will happen to me.
I've been there; I essentially had much of my life pulled out from under me when my ex wife decided to take out all her anger on me. And it could have gone much, much worse. I've been on TG forums and newsgroups since the early 90's. There are many horror stories out there about what angry wives have done to their crossdressing husbands.

The fact is that a strong long-term relationship has an excellent chance of weathering this storm.
And what happens if you're wrong? Homeless, out to the world as a crossdresser, no money, no credit, no bank accounts, no car. Potentially no friends depending on how they respond to the concept of crossdressing. Job potentially in jeopardy or gone. Family cuts off association with 'the pervert'. I've personal experience with that last one.
While you may feel the odds are excellent in his favor, what do you do if you're wrong?
If I'm wrong, he has some cash in his pocket, a few new shirts, maybe underwear, plus a better idea of what his financial condition is. That's it.

melissa_rinaldi

01-03-2016, 11:32 PM

I told my fiance 28 years ago. Now my wife she still hasn't accepted any of it. She said she'd try when I first told her, but that went to crap right after we were married. I travel a decent amount for work, and i take melissa with me. Stuff is in a storage locker costing me $600 a year, but it works. Good luck.

Tina_gm

01-04-2016, 05:41 PM

I am always ALWAYS on the side of telling early, the earlier the better, and for the very reason of this thread. Now, what I am going to say I am going to contradict myself. After nearly 40 years together, I wonder if it comes to a point if it has been nearly 4 decades.... maybe better NOT telling?? A couple has survived sooooo long together, which means the CDer has survived a life in the closet for as long. Why make such a drastic change now... At least in terms of the marriage, it is so likely that the outcome will not be beneficial to the marriage. It has just gone on so long with the "normal" cis gender dynamic.

In your case though, too late for that. So, I can only add that to not push her. It is not merely your dressing that is causing your wife so much pain and other negative emotions, but the thought of a nearly 40 year lie. I really don't want to sound like a debbie downer here, but after so long, I don't know how much can be helped other than to play it real cool, and maybe hope for a DADT. You are probably going to get more of the comments like the Caitlyn comments, it is the hurt that is coming from her for being lied to for so long.

Judith

01-04-2016, 05:52 PM

My wife knew about my dressing, but didn't like it or want any part of it. As time went on, I got more into dressing, and not thinking of her feelings. Finally, after 47 years of marriage, she wanted out. There were other factors too, but dressing was a big part of it. In retrospect, there are a lot of things I would do differently.

Jamie390

01-04-2016, 06:23 PM

I has a similar experience when I came out to my wife of 10 years. ARE YOU GAY??? DO YOU WANT OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE??? WHAT ELSE ARE YOU HIDING??? etc. I started by telling my wife how I always likes wearing women's swimsuits... from about the age of 15. The initial shock wore off, she came to peek in on me while she knew I was wearing one in the shower one time. We watched t.v. in bed while I wore one. It seemed like she was actually trying to be open minded and accepting. Turns out, it really made her uncomfortable, so I backed off. A few months later, I told her that I wanted to buy a bra, (for the first time). It was the same thing all over again. I THOUGHT YOU ONLY LIKED SWIMSUITS!!! DO YOU WANT TO BE A WOMAN??? WHAT ELSE ARE YOU HIDING??? My point is that after she settles down, try to talk it out. And when you do, tell her EVERYTHING up front. Don't tell her only part of the story. My wife is (probably permanently) at the DADT stage, but that beats her initial reaction.

Judy-Somthing

01-08-2016, 09:24 PM

So five days ago I said to my wife of 38 years "I thought it would be fun to wear a dress" She freaked, threw out her wedding dress, pictures of us, lingerie, etc,.

The next day I told her I like my self. The next day I went looking for a dress and today I bought some makeup.

Is it true that at least 5% of men Cross-dress?

Laurana

01-08-2016, 09:30 PM

So you tell your wife, she freaks out an tosses a bunch of personal stuff and your reaction is to go buy a dress?

Priorities?

xNicolex

01-09-2016, 04:12 AM

OK wow that is crazy she threw out her wedding dress literally?? I'm really sorry to hear this it's so sad that more people aren't as excepting. Really when you think about their the ones in the closet blind to the brave new world, it's the 21st century this is more common than ever and I'm pretty sure whatever statistics say about the percentage of men being crossdressers is higher than anyone really knows. I think you and your wife should really sit down and talk about this explain that it does not change your feelings for her or anything about you if anything it's something new for both of you to explore together. I have never understood fully why some women react badly to this even after they are told your not gay or anything else but yourself. I'm hope it will blow over, worst case senario if she doesn't except it is you split or best case you end up in a DADT situation as alot of crossdressers do whatever happens good luck.

Katey888

01-09-2016, 07:12 AM

Judy.... are you seriously saying that five days ago you told your wife of 38 years you want to wear a dress and then went out and bought makeup after she freaked out because you thought that would help...?

Did you really...? :)

You said she you used to buy you femme underwear but stopped... so why is she so suddenly shocked if she had already seen a little of this part of you...?

Your photos show a very well put together (if somehow dated) feminine look, but other things you're saying seem to imply you're not so experienced... there are a lot of contradictions here... How old are your photos, just out of interest... :)

Kurious Katey x

Judy-Somthing

01-09-2016, 09:36 AM

Yes my Avatar is from twenty years ago.

When your young and have smooth skin makeup is so much easer.

I, like a lot of others went for over fifteen years without dressing up until now that the kids have grown up.

Well after fifteen years makeup is more of a challenge, Youtube has been a real help.

My most resent photo.255918

I just realized that I've had that neckless for over forty years.

karynspanties

01-09-2016, 09:52 AM

Something is not right with this thread. I think maybe Judy is a troll. A lot of things are not adding up to me.

Judy-Somthing

01-09-2016, 10:27 AM

That's not nice calling me a troll.

What's not adding up?

Joining this sight has made me feel better about myself like a cloud over me is gone.

I hope I don't have to go completely back in the closet.

DanielleLee

01-09-2016, 10:32 AM

Wow... this thread has been the proverbial ringer, with a lot of input thrown at the OP.

I fail to see what it is so hard for us as members collectively to see how diverse we all are, both socially and ethnically. We have members here from all over the world. With that comes different societal pressures and expectations. Our spouses also have those pressures and expectations; and because of those... their reactions will always be different... from the extreme good to the extreme bad, with most somewhere in between.

Food for thought folks. Maybe we can strive to be more pro-active, than re-active. MYSELF INCLUDED I know, I know :-)

Judy... I wish there were some easier advise for you. I think there has been a lot of opinion thrown at you. Somewhere in the middle of it all... is probably the best solution that will work for you and your spouse. The key thing here, as Jennifer said, is talking. I mean the cat's out of the bag now. With that in mind... your spouse may not be ready to talk about it yet and that's okay. I think however since you posted on Jan 3rd... that enough time has passed to broach the subject with her again. Not per say to lay ground rules about your dressing, but rather to get a handle on what she is feeling and listening to her on where she is at with all of it. I think the biggest challenge will stem is if she doesn't want to talk. Obviously no one should be made or forced to talk in the heat of a moment of an argument. It should only be done when two people are calm and ready to talk. That being said... there has to be a limit. People can't be indefinitely not ready.

It goes without saying you may want to stop shopping or dressing for a bit until the dust settles. I wish you the best of luck with your spouse for a solution that makes both of you happy.

Danielle Lee

donnaS

01-09-2016, 11:34 AM

I have asked myself sometimes.
Why do we marry and want acceptance from our wives or SO so badly.
If we were single there is nothing to stop us from achieving anything we want. But it's the acceptance of the one closest to us that is beyond our grasp we crave so much.
I'm in that situation. I didn't tell my wife until after we married. Now I'm on the roller coaster. I wonder why I wanted companionship with this being my third marriage. The others failed for different reason other than Donna being in the picture.
Was it me afraid of being alone?
Or the craving of that someone special to help you complete the circle your world is evolved around?
The chicken or the egg, who was first?
The quest continues to be unsolved.

Stephanie47

01-09-2016, 12:16 PM

I don't think it is so unnatural or unusual to go out and buy a new dress and makeup. Does it make sense? To most people probably not/ What do other people do when sh@t hits the wall? Dive into a quart of their favorite ice cream? Go to a bar and get smashed? I think someone in Judy's situation may just go out and do something that brings some degree of comfort. In my posts I told my wife that I do not know "Why" I like to wear women's clothing, but, I know it brings comfort and relieves stress. I go to a counselor for combat related issues of serving in Nam. When I get stressed out I told her I end up engaging in "retail therapy" as she called it. I do two things. I buy plastic military models to build with the intention to build them before I die. The other things I buy? Women's clothing. I would not knock Judy. Judy's wife is totally out of control. Instead of sitting down and asking questions, she throws her wedding gown away; tosses their pictures; throws away her lingerie?

My read is the air needs to be cleared. I still say sit down and try to communicate. If Judy bares her soul and lays all the cards on the table, then, if her wife still wants to engage in irrational behavior, then it's on the wife. If she does not want to try to resolve the issues, then is the marriage worth keeping. Judy's wife is acting out of fear of the unknown and lack of information. There is always some element of a wife thinking "What will society think of Me?" People will talk behind her back, asking "She married to a crossdresser! What's wrong with her?" There's a strong inference that the wife is also in some way not "normal."

Even if a marriage does not totally fall apart, it will be totally different. It needs to be resolved. The marriage needs to be repaired. Sometimes my wife hears that a friend or acquaintance or coworker discovers her husband has an affair. My wife will blurt out that she would never stay with a husband who cheats on his wife. But, she has stayed with her cross dressing husband. Whatever drives me to do what I do, she knows it is only with myself. Heck, after our talk she told me she was alright with the idea of me finding a support group. Maybe I'm married to a wife who thinks.

PS: I don't mean Judy should wave her new dress or makeup in her wife's face.

Judy-Somthing

01-09-2016, 12:53 PM

I went looking at dresses but the embarrassment and shame came over me.

I'm going to do my best to do the right thing and be the man she wants.

Laurana

01-09-2016, 01:08 PM

Judy-Somthing

01-09-2016, 01:33 PM

I agree with Laurana

I thought that after I got married that the urge would go away but it didn't.

For years I've tried to tell her but I could see that I was rocking the boat and would back off.

Sharon B.

01-09-2016, 01:50 PM

This has brought back a lot of memories, when I confess to my wife at the time twenty-five years ago she said the same thing. Are you gay, do you like men. I was sick and needed to seek help. Long story we got divorced and went out separate ways, she remarried I didn't but have my own house and a few manly toys but still dress when ever I want and have a nice selections of woman's clothes and undergarments. I got to be me and that is a male who enjoys dressing as a woman at times.

Laurana

01-09-2016, 05:33 PM

Look, I'm not saying what you did was wrong per se, your reaction to her freaking out was to try and rebel and that's fine. But at the same time it's not because you know that if she finds you with makeup you may very well be shown the door.

If my words seem harsh, well.......that's just the way I am. I don't sugar coat things. I am a Masshole after all :).

sometimes_miss

01-09-2016, 10:04 PM

Why do we marry and want acceptance from our wives or SO so badly.
We all prefer to be loved for who we really are. In the absence of that, we take what we can get. But there's always the disappointment when we see in their eyes the dislike of something about us. No one wants to feel like they're disgusting to anyone. Initially, we're thrilled that she will want us at all. After a while, we take that for granted, and want more. Eventually we take each 'more' for granted and want 'it all'.

I don't think it's simply a matter of being afraid of being alone. I think it's a case of always wanting more out of life, and we're all guilty of it.

I wonder why I wanted companionship with this being my third marriage..
The big one. People need physical affection. They've done studies that show infants deprived of physical touch grow up with all kinds of mental health issues. But what continues to amaze me, is that for some reason, everyone thinks that the need for affection just disappears, as if it's place gets taken by the sexual drive. That's not true, but no one seems to give a crap about it. Watch senior citizens who have been left to rot in nursing homes, alone. See how many of them grab out to just hold the hand of anyone, not wanting to be alone. Infants left without affection become psychotic. What do you think happens to adults deprived of it for decades? Think they feel just great being alone all the time? Yet, we ignore the need for affection in all of our social problem areas. Healthcare, sick people are left alone. Prison, same. Depressed people are given all kinds of chemicals, while ignoring a basic need. All because we think 'we're adults, we don't need no warm fuzzy hugs'. We just need lots of sex.

What a crock of s***.

To answer your other question, the egg came first, laid by a bird that was not quite a chicken. The egg had a genetic mutation which became a chicken as it developed. Then that chicken mated with other birds, and spread that mutation.

Judy-Somthing

01-09-2016, 10:25 PM

My wife offered me dinner tonight so I think the shock is waring off.

Lena

01-09-2016, 10:37 PM

I haven't read all of the posts in this thread, but I haven't seen anyone mention to emphasis that you were trying to get rid of your stash out of respect for her feelings.

Laurana

01-09-2016, 10:49 PM

My wife offered me dinner tonight so I think the shock is waring off.

Just because you may think the shock is wearing off doesn't mean the anger and feelings of betrayal are. I'd let things settle for a long long time before bringing anything up.

Stephanie47

01-10-2016, 12:35 AM

How is the way the wife acted irrational or out of control?

She acted just like any man would act if they found out the girl they were dating was actually a guy.

She thought she married a straight man and, although he's not gay it turns out he wants to dress like a women. To her that means her entire relationship has been based on a lie.

That's not irrational.

Really? Instead of trying to have a conversation to find out just what all this means, she throws out all her lingerie, wedding gown, pictures what's next? The picture part really got to me. Sounds like she wants to expunge every vestige of "his" being. I say "his" because Judy's wife has not seen Judy. I'm sure her imagination is running wild.

Anyway, I've read (#69) Judy is going to "be the man she wants." Well, unfortunately i doubt she will ever see Judy's male personna in a very favorable light again. There will always be that lingering doubt....the little questions guised as something else. And, I wonder in these situations what the toll is on the husband to fill the mold of the wife's perfect husband, which will never be again.

Meghan4now

01-10-2016, 04:57 PM

I have a question. How is it that in a previous thread you mentioned that you've dressed an estimated 3000 times.

But yet never got caught, and this conversation just came up. 3000 times over 30 years is 100 times a year, or twice a week. That's every Saturday and Sunday for 30 years!

Laurana

01-10-2016, 05:08 PM

Really? Instead of trying to have a conversation to find out just what all this means, she throws out all her lingerie, wedding gown, pictures what's next? The picture part really got to me. Sounds like she wants to expunge every vestige of "his" being. I say "his" because Judy's wife has not seen Judy. I'm sure her imagination is running wild.

.

Yes. Really.

Judy-Somthing

01-10-2016, 05:23 PM

I guess I didn't dress up 3,000 times, I forgot the ten years that I didn't dress up so it's more like 1,800 times LOL.

My wife says I better not talk about any interest in girls clothes again.

I think she'll eventually ask more questions. I'll try my best to be honest.

Laurana

01-10-2016, 05:45 PM

If she says not to talk about it ever again what makes you think she'll ask?

You can hope she asks. But it seems like you're on permanent thin ice.

Kandi Robbins

01-10-2016, 05:46 PM

One thing I try to do when I am trying to figure out some one's reaction to something: how would I react if the situation were reversed?

I am so very blessed to have my wife's support (I am thankful for it every single day and I thank her frequently), but how would I react if it were she that was a crossdresser or she told me a secret she kept from me for 30 years (like I did from my wife)? I am not sure I am as good a person as she is, I am not sure how I would react. I'd like to think the depth of love she showed for me would be something I would be able to give her in that scenario.

Anyway, it's something to think about when we wonder about a loved one's reaction. How would you react?