Happy New Year and New Life - an update

[Brianna_H]

Hello, old friends. So, last Monday two letters went out. One was to my family and friends on Facebook, really the last place online where I am not out. And at my work, announcing my gender transition! Starting Monday, I'll be living full time as my true self 24/7.

It's exciting and scary. I've been super fortunate with my work situation, insurance, and community of RPG nerds in the Bay Area. So I try to be as visible as I can in the hope that maybe someone will treat another trans person better down the line.

My wife and I are still together and getting used to being a "same sex couple." Goo thing that's legal now. lol

Now that I'm able to live my life openly, the plan is to pursue legal name change and further medical transition. I've been on hormones for four months and my health and emotions are good. I'm too happy, if anything. :)

Thanks for the stories, warnings, and guidance, everyone. Happy New Year.

[Janice Ashton]

Hi Brianna

I hope all works our for the best, and 'Good Luck' with this big step;

Janice

[Marcelle]

Hi Brianna and congrats on your final steps forward.

Cheers

Marcelle

[MissDanielle]

Congrats and Good luck!

[dreamer_2.0]

Congrats, hon!!

[PretzelGirl]

It is a Happy New Year Brianna! May your week be a blessed and awesome one!

[Eringirl]

Congrats!! and best of luck. Keep us posted on how it goes at work.

[Eryn]

Congratulations! That's a big step and I'm sure it will go well for you.

[Brianna_H]

Thank you for all your replies. I'd been living my life outside of work as a woman for a year. But as some other recent posts have mentioned, it's a whole other level when you come out at work and no longer keep it secret from anyone.

The first day taught me a ton about myself and how people see me. Nothing bad happened. But a lot happened inside my head. lol I met with my boss and the company president. He asked me to use the new gender-neutral bathroom they made because one or two ladies that work downstairs felt uncomfortable after the announcement. It was couched as an exchange of respect. I managed to keep my cool. I know using a special bathroom is a small price to pay considering what so many trans folk go through. I told him, "Well, to truly respect me is to let me use the women's restroom because I am a woman, but given how much I appreciate my job and co-workers I will use the gender neutral restroom." Seriously, if they want to give me my own restroom because some ignorant person on another floor is weirded out by me, fine.

It's been good since then. I mostly work with a bunch of gals who like me and are supportive. Today I taught a class on making signature stamps to a bunch of administrative assistants. I'm the office software guru. I was very nervous about it before hand, but I was well-prepared and they were all very pleasant. It was fine. Next week I'll have more meetings that involve the mostly-male project management staff. But I'm sorta braced for it. I've made some allies with people I've worked with for a long time and I already understand that in general men have a much harder time with trans women. I know if anyone says anything snide to me my boss will back me up. I'm not stressin about it too much... yet. :)

But you know, there's simply no going back now. I've had enough time and experience to know this is what I want and I feel so much better and clearer about who I am and what I feel. So I'm ready for the slings and arrows when they come.

That's all for now. Cheers, ladies.

[Suzanne F]

Brianna
Congratulations on your momentous step! I came out at work in Sacramento in October and had my first days at work also. It is truly an accomplishment and I applaud your bravery!
Suzanne

[Badtranny]

Yeah, I went through the "unisex" bathroom issue as well when I came out at my old job. Worked at the same company for 13 years and now I'm on my second job in 2 years after coming out.

Transition is a hell of a thing, BUT I am now free to use the ladies restroom! Success! LOL

Don't sweat it. There will be much bigger battles ahead.

[Marcelle]

Hi Brianna,

It sounds like things are going as well as can be expected. I had the same issues when I transitioned at work (Canadian Military) as people adjusted to me being a guy one day to being a woman the next. There were lots of awkward moments especially when walking into meetings with those outside the building who did not know or had not met me as a woman. Lots of improper gendering, quite a few WTF looks and a grating feeling in meetings that people spent a bit too much time staring at my end of the table (that could have been all in my head though). However as time went on, it began to normalize and people have begun to see me as a woman vice a man. I have free use of the ladies restroom as that was never a problem with the women on the floor. The one area where concessions had to be made was the gym change room. I was very sensitive to the fact that I was post-op and women felt very uncomfortable with having me in that area. So an accord was reached in that a private section was cordoned off in the male change room which gave me privacy and to date the men have been very professional and respectful . . . really in the end all I want to do is work out.

Keep at it and things will normalize :)

Cheers

Marcelle

[Rianna Humble]

I met with my boss and the company president. He asked me to use the new gender-neutral bathroom they made because one or two ladies that work downstairs felt uncomfortable after the announcement. It was couched as an exchange of respect. I managed to keep my cool. I know using a special bathroom is a small price to pay considering what so many trans folk go through. .

The HR rep assigned to assist my transition at work made a similar request to me when I was preparing to come out at work. I replied that I would be happy to do that for a few weeks, but after that I would want us to review it with the aim of ending the discrimination against me in as short a time as possible.

She checked with her boss, who said that they should not ask me to use separate facilities at all.

[becky77]

Well done Brianna it's a huge step you have accomplished.

The toilet is a contentious issue, I always try to think of it from the other perspective.
As far as the women at your work are concerned the day before you was a man then suddenly you're in their toilet.
Having a neutral restroom makes sense........for now.
I like Riannas idea, agree to use the neutral room for a time while people adjust but don't let it drag , if you don't push your claim as a woman now you may risk never being accepted, it's tough enough as it is.

I get treated well at work but do they really think of me as a woman now? Probably not but as long as they treat me as such there is not much more I can do.

Fortunately I didn't have any issues with toilets at work, I may be wrong but I think it helped I put in some ground work before.
I dropped the male act a year before going full-time, I allowed myself to just be me, mannerisms, interests, even my speech I let it all out. So much so a few people thought I might be gay despite knowing I was married.
I think this really helped as by the time I went full-time most people didn't associate me with being manly anyway.

[Badtranny]

Becky just reminded me of something that I've been thinking.

Transition is really just an evolution to an authentic you. We talk a lot here about coming out but long before that happens you should have come out to yourself and began unraveling the years of hiding. If you are He-Man one day and proud trans woman the next, you will definitely have some issues. People in the real world don't accept cognitive dissonance like they do on the internet.

I'm always concerned about people who write about how difficult it is to act like a woman and blend in, because those people were clearly not ready to transition in my view. There is no trans woman or trans man that I've ever met that does any acting at all. They just are and being accepted as the correct gender just seems to suit them better.

The reason why I keep yapping about the insignificance of the wardrobe is simply because it's true. You could be the best dressed woman in the building and that still isn't getting you into that ladies room. What will is simply learning to convey who you really are and becoming comfortable in that role. You are evolving from a frightened trans woman to a courageous one. From a person who found comfort in hiding to a person who wants nothing to do with any more secrets. That evolution takes time and does not require bras and panties.

Eventually, you will forget the pain of hiding and people around you will forget you used to look different.

[PretzelGirl]

I was asked to use the unisex bathroom and I decided it was worth one push back before I conceded. I made a case that a different standard was being set for me as no one else in the company was required to use the unisex bathroom. Additionally, there was more than one building we had that didn't have a unisex bathroom and I would be using the ladies room in those. So my other case was that ladies would see me using the unisex in one building and then following them into the ladies room in another and could freak out because I should be in the unisex. I won and went straight to the ladies room.

But I am not opposed to compromise to soften the situation. We all want to keep a good status with our employers. But you do need a path to the ladies room eventually. If when you ask, they deny it, there is EEOC precedent that they can't deny you the access. The ruling stated that this particular transgender woman choose to go to the unisex bathroom but could not relinquish her right to use the ladies room, so when she asked to, it should have been approved.

http://transgenderlawcenter.org/archives/11521

[Suzanne F]

No one ever said anything when I came out last year. I am not in the office every day, just a few times a month. I was not at the meeting where they informed anyone. I do not know if anything was said. I have never used the restroom yet. I waited until I left for some dumb reason. Tuesday I will be there again. I will make it a point to go to the ladies room!
Suzanne