How to take her with me?

[JanePeterson]

So... For all the usual life reasons, I can't be myself when I'm not at home. When I'm stuck in male mode, I get strong anxiety... So after talking with my therapist, I am gong to try and make my real self "portable" in some way where even in male presentation I can still feel female. Aside from underdressing, do any of you have any suggestions to help do that? I'm in the military, so jewelry/clothing really isn't going to work... May need to get creative :) will be unable to realistically begin a transition for 2-3 years unless things get really ugly. thank you! Happy new year!!

Jane

[Kimberly Kael]

It's never too late to start taking care of your skin. Exfoliating and hydrating at night and moisturizing during the day is a nice ritual that can include some soothing scents and preserve your skin. Lip balm has the same effect on your lips and is reminiscent of a lip gloss or lipstick ritual, but it's just good body care to keep your lips from drying out and cracking.

[MissDanielle]

Toes polished? Maybe a clear nail polish?

[Badtranny]

well Jane, now is the time to start exploring what you want out of a transition. Start asking yourself the tough questions. Start imagining a world where you can be free ...beyond the dressing.

How would you live if there were no rules?

Why do you feel like you can't be yourself unless you're wearing something feminine?

What does it mean to you to "be a woman"?

Kimberly's suggestion is an excellent one, but it shouldn't be necessary in order for you to feel anything other than soft and pretty. There is nothing wrong with grooming or dressing cute or even glamming it up. Those are all fun things but they have nothing to do with being a woman.

A woman is a lot more than just a pretty man. Transition is about breaking down the barriers that prevent you from being real. Can you not be real unless you're wearing a costume?

Do you want to know how to take "her" with you? Learn how to be her regardless of what you're wearing. Break down the walls that are keeping you from her.

[VanTG]

Take her with you however you fell is necessary, as much as you can handle. Take others ideas and modify them to fit what you are comfortable with. Nobody is in your shoes, as much as people have had similar experiences, its up to you.

You will figure it.

[Kimberly Kael]

Melissa's points are well taken, and if you can make that jump from a standing start? More power to you. I don't know of any transwomen offhand who have, and damned few women assigned female at birth who did, either. The trappings of femininity are a crutch but much like their metaphorical counterpart they can help you learn to stand on your own two feet. Over time I was able to strip away more and more layers of artifice to discover that there really was a woman under all that in the first place. Your mileage may vary.

[flatlander_48]

JP:

Consider some of the ways how women interact with the world and others, compared to men. Women are usually viewed as kinder and more nuturing. Women listen better and empathize more. The thing is that men are equally capable of all of these things, but the message that is sent from society at large discourages men from doing so.

Further, women are conditioned to fit in, follow the rules, be cheerful, be self-deprecating, be deferential and to be compliant. I'm not saying this is a good thing, but it is largely what is expected of women. 40 years ago this was probably quite absolute, but fortunately things continue to change and evolve.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is the difference in perspective between men and women and what is held up as acceptable behavior.

DeeAnn

[Marcelle]

Hi Jane,

Before I came out at work I had the same dilemma as you are currently experiencing. How can I be "her" while looking like "him" (i.e., not being able to dress). It was difficult until I realized the best parts of "her" had nothing to do with clothing but my acceptance of "her" and my acceptance of myself as a woman. The clothing just allowed me to "blend" much easier but it did not define me anymore than my current physiology defines me now that I am out full time. I could always feel "her" behind my eyes when I was "him" so I just let "him" be "her" . . . yup . . . looked like a dude (well I still do even with make-up :)) but I expressed "her" not "him" even when I was in guy mode. This was not about gestures, walk or voice it was just expressing the female spirit within which in a way has always been there . . . the real me sort to speak. I just let her out even before I was out at work and that provided me some inner peace until I could formally come out and move forward. In essence, I was carrying her with me because I was "her" even presenting as a guy to the military environment.

Even now that I am full time at work I wear a uniform and military convention requires make-up to be subdued . . . I have some latitude as I have a multiple of guy sins to cover which women do not (i.e., great northern European beard which won't relent) but make-up is still minimal. So even though I get to dress like all the other women, with the exception of a few slight differences in dress uniform the uniform is identical to a male uniform (I tend to wear service trousers more than the service skirt . . . more comfortable). But again, it is not the clothes, but an inner sense of peace that I am her irrespective of who people see (i.e., a guy wearing a women's uniform). I think if you can accept "her" when you are "him" IMHO that might give you a bit of inner peace rather than trying to subdue her or find ways to make him look like her.



JP:

Consider some of the ways how women interact with the world and others, compared to men. Women are usually viewed as kinder and more nuturing. Women listen better and empathize more. The thing is that men are equally capable of all of these things, but the message that is sent from society at large discourages men from doing so . . . Further, women are conditioned to fit in, follow the rules, be cheerful, be self-deprecating, be deferential and to be compliant.

LOL D . . . not hacking on your post BTW. I just got a bit of chuckle as you have obviously not run across too many military women . . . complete opposite in many cases. :)

Cheers


Marcelle

[Megan G]

Jane,

Marcelle and Melissa are spot on with their responses. If you are in a position that transition is 2-3 years out one of the best things you can do is start working on the insides, embracing who you are and living your life as authentically as possible. You don't need shoes or clothes to do this..

For me the biggest peace of mind came when I finally let down my guard and embraced who I was as a person. It took a lot of time to knock down the walls I built over the years trying to hide who I was deep down inside. This will help immensely when the time comes that you begin openly transitioning.

Kimberly makes a good suggestion about skin care, a good ritual to begin and if it is possible facial hair removal would be a good thing to start now also since it is a very lengthy process but being unfamiliar with the military I do not know if this is possible.

Megan

[JanePeterson]

Thank you everyone!!! Making the switch from physical tokens of feminine to a state of mind seems like the best/only way... But sure does feel like it's easier said than done.

[flatlander_48]

LOL D . . . not hacking on your post BTW. I just got a bit of chuckle as you have obviously not run across too many military women . . . complete opposite in many cases. :)

No, not military per se, but I've been around the personality type. In 43 years of professional life, I've known women who were division vice-presidents, plant managers, department managers and business owners. I've reported to women, had women as peers and had women report to me. Typically they managed to escape a lot of the weight of tradition, for whatever reason. I would hazzard a guess that Hilary Clinton, Carly Fiorina and Pauline Marois and Kathlene Wynne from your country, for example, perhaps share some of those traits. But, they all represent a very tiny portion of the population. And, don't forget the phrase "Well behaved women seldom make history.". I think that's a good reflection of how women were perceived historically, and still to some extent.

Anyway, it would seem that if you're going to eventually transition, somehow that difference in perspective, perceptions, etc. needs to get factored in. Otherwise, I wonder if the result would be the psychological/emotional version of the guy in a dress. Somehow that shift has to take place. To those who say that they have always been women, I would say that more than likely they were reared as male children. Although their experience might be somewhat different from male identified male children, it would still be different from the experiences of female identified female children.

JP:

Remember the question: How do you eat an elephant?

And the answer is: One spoonful at a time...

DeeAnn

[arbon]

I know it is going to sound contrary to others but for me trying to incorporate feminine into my life usually just made the feelings worse and me wishing what I could be that much more. It just made it that much more difficult to deal. I used to not even allow myself to go onto tg websites. Your stuck for 2-3 years till service is up. Use that time planning and SAVING MONEY to help your transition down the road. That is what is going to help "her" in her life one day.

[LeaP]

You can't eliminate transition need through a change of mindset. Alternatively, you cannot separate constraints from roles. There is a subtlety to this, however. While it is true that a gender role in any given person's case may consist of virtually any behavior, expression, or mindset conceivable, regardless of stereotypes, I believe that is because gendered expression is unique to the individual. In other words, certain things are expressions of my gender while others are not. That mix is unique to me, as are the implications for constraining them when in "male mode."

Misty's raising what you need from transition hits this point squarely on the head, but it may not be apparent why that is so. You might, for example, take this to simply mean that you should focus on taking down the pain from a few pressure points. That's consistent with advice along the lines of adding a touch of feminine this or that. In short, managing delay tactically.

But consider transition from the standpoint of authenticity. Ask why some people can "get away" with behaviors and expression that you would like to display and are natural to you, but you feel you can not. Are there any people like that in your organization, in your occupational role, at your level of seniority, visibility, etc.? If there are not and because it stems from role norms and expectations, perhaps you have put yourself in a position for which you are not fundamentally suited. If there are people like that in your organization that are thriving, is it because of what they are or despite it? Such things are clues (and no more than that) to risks you might face in opening yourself to change.

Now, having searched your heart and examined your circumstances, you go for broke. Say that you are able to achieve every bit of gendered expression that is normal to you. Perhaps physical presentation isn't of any particular importance to you besides. What is the difference between that and transition?

What a question! Depending on where you are, it is either ridiculously hard or absurdly easy to answer. But beware – if you cannot answer this question, you cannot answer Misty's, either. There is a reason that many therapists start with variations of "what do you want to accomplish?".

[Kaitlyn Michele]

[/I]What a question! Depending on where you are, it is either ridiculously hard or absurdly easy to answer. But beware – if you cannot answer this question, you cannot answer Misty's, either. There is a reason that many therapists start with variations of "what do you want to accomplish?".

so true...

observing so many situations like this i have to say that efforts to mitigate and control are short term and unpredictable and just as likely to cause more problems than solve them..

and one big reason for that is that our "true" natures are different.....and the form and function of our GD's are different...your needs have nothing to do with what you want or your circumstance..its your nature...

so feeling a little feminine may set you off more than not!!!

One specific thing i did was pluck one or two eyebrows every day...literally one most days... over about 9 months i had them nice and clean and just a touch feminine...people noticed...especially gay guys...
but all it did for me was make we need more

...feeling that little bit of my "true nature" wasnt intoxicating or comforting...it was devastating...

[LeaP]

Take from this little fable what you will. There are number of possible interpretations applicable to the themes and concerns of this thread. As is often the case with fables and parables, though, the interpretations you reach are simply a way of articulating who you are and - in this context – where you are in your journey and thinking. To the OP, I ask if this is applicable to you and, if so, what it means to you. I'll hold off for now on what I read into it.

There was once a fine, massive rock that had stood in a prominent place from time immemorial. Being possessed of the earthy spirit that many such boulders are, it thought for ages about its role in the landscape. Finding wind to be a particular threat, it gradually (rocks not being quick thinkers) formulated a survival strategy, implementing it through a set of changes that would nonetheless protect its essence.

To protect against the North Wind's icy blast and constant wetting, it encouraged a crust of lichen to adorn it's North face. At the slight cost of some surface roughness, it was compensated with fine protection, a touch of color, and the companionship of the animals who found the lichen delicious.

Against the harsh battering and heating effects of the Southern Wind, it sacrificed a shallow split-off of its Southern face to expose a beautifully pure quartz layer, which not only resisted the Southern Wind and Sun, but shone beautifully in its light for all to see.

The West Winds brought the storms. For right or wrong, it wasn't concerned about rain or even hail against its surface. It thought that erosion at its base might undermine it's position at its prominence, but fate intervened with its own solution, the rains exposing a deep and solid bed of gravel beneath the thin topsoil, lending additional stability to the already impressively immovable Boulder.

The East Wind was its friend, peacefully and gently bringing the first warmth of morning, each new day dawning a reminder of its permanence.

Then one day, unexpected, unasked, unwanted - came the earthquake. It roared and thundered, shook and plundered the earth itself until an edge of the prominence gave way. With that, the boulder slipped a little, then slid, as it were, on a bed of liquid gravel. It stumbled, tumbled, and rolled, scraping off a hundred years' lichen growth and smashing its beautiful quartz face, finally coming to rest in pieces in the deep forest of the valley floor.

After a very long time (even for a rock), the largest piece remaining, and which contained its essence, started formulating its new survival strategy ...

[JanePeterson]

It roared and thundered, shook and plundered the earth itself until an edge of the prominence gave way. With that, the boulder slipped a little, then slid, as it were, on a bed of liquid gravel. It stumbled, tumbled, and rolled, scraping off a hundred years' lichen growth and smashing its beautiful quartz face, finally coming to rest in pieces in the deep forest of the valley floor.


beautiful and terrifying story... put another way, am I rearranging deck chairs on the titanic?

I really hope something can slow the collapse, because (just like everyone else) I’m perched pretty high right now, and am frightened of heights....

[Badtranny]

Transition is not an end, it's a beginning. Like the huge boulder that will face the rest of its life as a large rock, your essence will remain unchanged.

If this is who you are, then you will welcome all of the adversity as long as it sets you free. Every trans woman I know has had a rough time, some are thriving and some are not, and I can't speak to anyone's motives except my own, but I don't think that following your heart can ever be considered a bad thing.

Find yourself and see where that takes you. Some very feminine men who love cross-dressing wouldn't transition for money, and some rather masculine men would pay all they had for the privilege. Step away from all of the femmy play and find out who you really are. You mentioned in a PM that you were afraid to find out, but a life lived in fear is not an honorable life.

[dreamer_2.0]

I know it is going to sound contrary to others but for me trying to incorporate feminine into my life usually just made the feelings worse and me wishing what I could be that much more. It just made it that much more difficult to deal

This would be my experience also. Taking "her" with me would typically exacerbate my dysphoria and led to some very low periods. I was just a guy trying to feel as girly as possible while still being a guy. It wasn't enough, I wasn't a girl. It wasn't until I began correcting that error in nature I felt some alleviation from the dysphoria. I adore clothes, makeup, painted nails, all that stereotypical girly stuff but it was always so superficial, it never corrected what was going on inside.

Having said all that, incorporating some of those superficial things has indeed helped many people. Admittedly I also felt a bit better doing them. That changed, but I feel experimenting was integral to figuring out myself and the path to take. Now if I could only apply that logic to other areas of life. :P

[Suzanne F]

Jane
I also received this advice from Melissa the night before I had to appear at an annual sales meeting. I was close to coming out at work but had to appear as male. I was so stressed out and could hardly face it. Melissa reminded me that I was me no matter what I was wearing. She was right and I went to the meeting. It did calm me to remember who I was. I think these feelings worsened as I inched closer to full time. So yes we are women in the inside. However, remember that most of us have had or are scheduled for procedures to make us look more feminine. So we do this for a reason! I agree that doing something every day for our selves like hair removal helps with the dysphoria. Good luck!
Suzanne

[LovelyGeek]

As far as taking "her" with me, I, in full male mode, try to have my nails painted. I don't know what your situation is, but over here in the Pacific NW people don't really care. I have had a few people ask about my nails and i replied, "I like to paint them", and that is pretty much it. No one gives me any grief, except my un-accepting parents. My wife, co-workers, and other random people really don't care. I would also, as an encouragement, like to say that you can hold on, and you can do it! I know it doesnt take away the stress, but also remember that almost everyone is more worried about how people see them, and are too busy worrying about themselves to care about how other people act and dress. Jane, You rock at life!!!! And I love your hair. *Hugs*

[LeaP]

What better way to represent a late transitioner (a category in which I plunk anyone who starts transition older than about 21) than a rock? Old. (Or at least already developed.) Hardheaded. Stuck in one position for a long time. Insular and cold.

And this particular rock? It mistakes its appearance, its outer surfaces, for its essence. It stands out and protects itself out of misunderstanding for what it really needs and what the real threats are. it assesses it's needs from the standpoint of where it is and not where it needs to be. As a result, it either perceives itself blasted from all directions or thinks itself lucky in a few cases. Like so many of us, it is valued for it's impressive bulk and presence more then what it is made of.

When it's supports fail… and that can take a loooooong time… it is a major disaster. Dislocation. Loss. Permanent damage. Loss of face and support. Despite the essence remaining, it starts (as I suppose) down the same self defeating path yet again.

At the same time, several questions suggest themselves. Start with the simplest: can a rock (Or a late transitioner) actually discover its essence? (Assuming you believe that rocks have some sort of life force. Do you???) How does it even know? If it can, does that mean that it knows how to act on it? Does the damage described in the story matter? Does it actually help or hurt? Just how "big" is "essence" anyway? What if it is vanishingly small or an ineffable quality of some sort? Does that mean that the "real" me has no substance?

And just what the heck are you supposed to do if you can't answer any of this? Well friend, as you ponder this, stuck between your personal rock and hard place, let me suggest that delay and protection aren't always your friends, that supports upon which you rely on are enablers (and not the good kind), and that the wonderful things you think you've lucked into may be the building blocks of your delusions.

So happy experimenting! While you're at it, keep in mind that fear is SOMETIMES (sorry) your best guide to what you're doing right. Finally, as others have hinted, you better be sure you want to know the answers. Have I told you the fable of the supervolcano yet?

[Zooey]

What better way to represent a late transitioner (a category in which I plunk anyone who starts transition older than about 21) than a rock? Old. (Or at least already developed.) Hardheaded. Stuck in one position for a long time. Insular and cold.

Hey now - i resemble that remark! I don't consider myself THAT late though, at 35. I'm like fashionably late. :|

There's definitely a Pandora's Box component to all of this. I survived a long time as "the old me", but once I opened myself up to discovering - umm - myself, those days were done. The first taste of truly deep-reaching happiness pretty much had me done for.