Loosing the message while coming out...

[Megan G]

Kimberly made a comment on the other coming out thread that reminded me of what happened to me earlier last year when I came out to the CEO of my company.

In the other thread she said...

It doesn't take a lot of people for the process of coming out to reach escape velocity and leave any ideas of careful disclosure in the dust.

This is exactly what happened to me, I began the coming out process over a year ago (with a select few a couple years ago) but did not do the "Facebook announcement until last May when I was ready to go full time outside of work. So when I informed my HR department at work I was told all was good and that I would have to take this directly to the CEO of the company since we were a small company (less than 100, 500 at peak) and I report directly to him.

Since we operate in different countries mainly (me in Canada and he is in the USA) he is damn near impossible to talk to and we only see each other face to face once or twice a year so email was my best option. So I carefully crafted up an email and came out to him. A couple days went by with no word so I started to sweat a little (ok a lot) and then he finally responded, the following is a quote from his email that I still have..



You are a fantastic project manager and nothing, nor nobody can take that away from you. This statement is one that is shared by our customers and vendors alike.

Nothing in your email changes how I view your ability to move mountains, if not stones, mud and obstinate customers to build solar farms. Let me share with you a brief story. About mid-summer 2015, while discussing some other matter, We heard from a former PM of ours. He was, and I am sure still is, a bit of a trouble maker. He had mentioned to Us that you were known in social media circles as Megan. When Todd asked me about what I thought, my response was no different than it is today. "Great. I hope it makes him happy. It doesn't change what Drew is capable of doing.

So long story short, the CEO of my company knew for months about my transition, Before I even had a chance to tell him. Thankfully he has been good with it and supports me 100%. What happened was in all my Facebook friends I had forgotten about a project manager that quit years ago and still holds a grudge against me (for taking the job he wanted) and against the company.. I forgot this guy was still in my friends list.

Anyways this is just an example of what can happen when you drag out the coming out process. It did not take long for my story to "hit escape velocity" as Kimberly said and got to people before I had the chance to tell them.

Just thought I would share for those of you contiplating how and when to come out..

Megan

[STACY B]

Tru Dat,,Tru Dat,,, Exactly ,, Most folks be tripping about all the coming out CRAP... If you are in Transition and you appear different and you can't see it that doesn't mean EVERYONE else DON'T,,,lol,,, No clothes ,, No makeup,, Needed to let everyone see,, You will change for sure,, And not to mention your Internet footprint we all leave here and there,, So save yourself lots and lots of trouble and anger and just tell the Important day to day people in your life! MOST PEOPLE can't hold water on there tongue in the first place,, So let it leak a little and the Dam will break and the rest is History ,,lol,,,

Who cares anyway? But the simple minded ones that's it,, If they don't get it they don't deserve your friendship anyway so just move on down the line,, Life is wayyyyyyyyyyy to SHORT to spend it educating the Public on something we have already spent enough Dam Time researching and educating ourselves on.

I told another chic here this,, I am no right fighter,, I have wasted enough time on this stuff to roll back the clock every time someone don't get it,, Why should they? Hell I don't spend anytime on stuff that don't pertain nor interest me,, It has taken me YEARS to get tis,, So I don't expect someone to understand this in 10 min!

SO congratulation on your Hill you just climbed, Live the rest of your life looking through the windshield and not the rear view mirror like I am,, lol AMEN,,,,

[I Am Paula]

Couldn't have put it better myself Stacy B.

[Eryn]

You bring up the fine line between knowing something and having to acknowledge it. Megan's boss knew, thanks to the tattling former colleague, but didn't have to acknowledge anything until your official announcement. I'm glad that he chose to show such a level of support.

In some ways, having people find out before the official announcement can be a positive. They have time to get used to the idea and consider their response before they have to face it (and you) directly.

OTOH, if someone wants to make an issue of it, prior knowledge can be a disadvantage.

In a strongly hierarchal organization success in coming out is greatly aided by approval of the leader. Get that and folks fall into line. I'm glad that this was the case for you. It has been the case with several other friends.

My dilemma is that my work doesn't have such a clear hierarchy. I have several "bosses" and many people who can and will cause problems with those bosses if they decide to have an objection. There is a chance that it could go smooth as silk, or I might well be on the 6-o'clock news as the subject of protests.

[Zooey]

My dilemma is that my work doesn't have such a clear hierarchy. I have several "bosses" and many people who can and will cause problems with those bosses if they decide to have an objection. There is a chance that it could go smooth as silk, or I might well be on the 6-o'clock news as the subject of protests.

I don't think this is materially different than anybody else's concerns and/or experience with coming out at work. There are always people who can make things uncomfortable for you, one way or another. If you need to be yourself, and live openly and honestly, then taking that risk is the price of admission.

When I came out to the senior leadership at work, they asked me what i wanted them to do if anybody had an issue. I told them to let them have their issue. The only point at which I care is if they decide to move beyond having an issue with it, and decide to start making an issue out of it. There may very well be people in my office (it's huge; our team alone is 250+ people) who have an issue with some aspect of my transition, but nobody has made an issue out of it. There's a pretty big gap that people have to cross to do that, and the majority of people simply won't.

[PretzelGirl]

Thank you for sharing that story Megan! It is a good reminder that once you are out to one person or on one site, they you might be out to others.

[Eryn]

I don't think this is materially different than anybody else's concerns and/or experience with coming out at work.

It is fundamentally different. I have a friend who is an engineer. For her, if her boss and a dozen co-workers are good with things she's golden. If not, she has a corporate policy that will support her and anyone who causes her grief will find themselves unemployed. She's pretty much guaranteed that people will behave. She had a lot more problems on the personal side than I did, but coming out at work was very straightforward.

For me it's a lot more complicated. I deal with the public and if just a few "guardians of morals" decide to complain to my bosses it can cause a lot of trouble. They can do this with impunity. My statement about the 6-o'clock news is not a joke. It has happened to others in my position. They've made it through, but it was far from pleasant.

For me, it is far more than an email to HR and a meeting with my boss. Before that I will need to consult a LGBT lawyer so that I can present my management with expectations for their actions, both what they will do and what they won't do. They have no experience with this situation (yes, I've checked) so we'll need to teach them how to handle the situation. In similar situations mistakes were made that caused everyone needless grief.

Every transition is unique.

[pamela7]

Thank you Megan, an instructive and useful story. I came out quietly on Facebook about a week ago. As I am self-employed and pretty much my entire client base and "colleague/competitor" base can see that, time will tell on any wildfires. I already experienced one s***storm in 2008, so I know how pariah feels already.

[LaurenS]

I told another chic here this,, I am no right fighter,, I have wasted enough time on this stuff to roll back the clock every time someone don't get it,, Why should they? Hell I don't spend anytime on stuff that don't pertain nor interest me,, It has taken me YEARS to get tis,, So I don't expect someone to understand this in 10 minutes.

I think you are my new hero.

[Megan G]

For me it's a lot more complicated. I deal with the public and if just a few "guardians of morals" decide to complain to my bosses it can cause a lot of trouble.
.

Many of us are in the same position Eryn, I mostly deal with the public and people outside my company during work. Between customers (past, current and potential), vendors, and media (newspapers) I would say 75% of my job requires me to deal with the public. I am the face of my company (and ugly one to boot :) ) , I travel all over Canada and most recently branching out into the US, going to jobsites to make sure things are running smoothly, tender meetings, job fairs, and on and on.

[becky77]

Facebook is a dangerous thing sometimes. Some people have hundreds or thousands of friends (I'm always curious how well they know all these friends?) each of those linked to more people.

You have to be aware of who is who, my boss is friends with one of my friends meaning he has some limited access to my goings on.

You just have to be savvy but at the same time things can slip, so better make sure you are ready should it become known.

Eryn, although all jobs and Transitions can be unique. We all face risk when we go full-time, losing your job when you are transitioning I would imagine is the worry of most of us.
Lose my job I lose my home and that makes it scary.
In the UK there are laws in place to protect you but we all know if someone higher up doesn't like it they can find ways to make your life hard and push you out. I know because I was strategically hounded out of a job many years ago.

I know a few TS woman that can't get work, they are not discriminated against and yet there is always a reason why they didn't get the job.

My company had no experience with someone transitioning either, most don't as we are still pretty rare.

Also I had to change jobs to make transition easier. Until you tell your company none of us know how it will go, work colleagues I really thought would have issues have been great, while friends I would have bet on supporting me have found they can't deal with it.

It's like stepping off a precipice and fingers crossed you don't hit disaster. The fear is real we have all seen the bad outcomes but the need overrides that. I'm so very glad that stage is over.

[Eryn]

Yes, I have a lot of fears. I'm legally protected against losing my job, but there are a lot of things that could be done to me in my job that would be negative. For example, I could be moved to another site "to reduce disruption" which would mean that I would lose my established high level position and be forced to take an entry-level position since I'd be the newbie at the other site. The pay would be the same, but the conditions tougher. I'd like to avoid that if I can.

I'm working my way through this and I will likely be successful if I do it right. The tentative date is firming up as I check items off my list.

[PretzelGirl]

You have to be aware of who is who, my boss is friends with one of my friends meaning he has some limited access to my goings on.

As I look down my friends list I see the HR person that helped my transition, one of our recruiters, and the VP of Ethics along with his wife and daughter (okay, I know the daughter from transitioning together). Live life on the edge! :D

Megan, visibility is an add on challenge. The best you can do is chin up and own it. You can't change how other people think out of the gate, but you can show that you aren't a wilting flower. Confidence does help perceptions.

[Angela Campbell]

One thing to remember with Facebook, is the face recognition thing. If you have one account as a woman and one as a guy. .....strange things could happen.