something amazing happened

[angelinamillar]

Hi Girls,

Well when I say something amazing happened part of it wasn't, I lost my friend to brain cancer back in September and he knew about Angelina, Well I just spent 2 hours on the phone with his ex who I have been in touch with and supported over though her grieving. She is feeling much better now as am I and we were talking and I ended up telling her about Angelina to which she responded she already knew. OK now at this point I was thinking cheers buddy I trusted u with this secret and u told your girlfriend, cheers, u wait to I see you again ;) Well after talking she said that whenever I wanted to just come over and be Angelina for the evening, have a few glasses of wine and be me she is more than happy. She is totally cool with me being me , having some food and having a girly night :) Now some part of me thinks wow that is so cool as I have been with my girlfriend for 21 years and she kinda fell out with Angelina years ago, obviously she know but they don't like to meet no more.

I do thou worry that this girl might get the wrong idea and also I have to pretty much lie to my girlfriend of all these years to go to another woman's house and be Angelina for the evening. Kind of in a dilemma girls, part of me is really excited to be able to do this but on the other hand I feel I am doing something wrong. Any advice would be cool. I don't have any kind of feelings towards this girl and I love my SO more than anything in the world but she does not like me being Angelina in front of her and in fact I do not feel totally comfortable being Angelina in front of her.

Any advise would be amazing girls and I would really appreciate it.

Angelina

[mechamoose]

Trust

You are not so much talking about casual secrets so much as trust issues, I think.

Your friends partner found an anchor point.. someone who knew him/her like they did. They might be unconsciously subbing you for roles they used to fill. Human nature, no malice in my opinion.

Because of your shared proclivities, you have a common anchor point with her ex. I believe she just wants the familiar. No evil there.

On your end, just because you found someone who can see your gurl and not freak out? There should not be much guilt there. If you COULD have that acceptance at home, you would.


"People are people so why should it be, that you and I treat each other so awfully?" - Depeche Mode

Please don't feel guilty for being accepted. Please analyze the WHY for the acceptance, vs what you have otherwise.

- MM

[Katey888]

Sorry again about your friend Angelina, and it's great of you to be able to offer support to his GF... :)

And I can totally see your dilemma... :hugs:

You have a long term relationship with your SO - if I were in your position, I don't think I could spend time specifically with another woman and be en femme without my SO knowing... but this is not straightforward and none of us here know the more intricate nature of your relationship with your SO... as you say, beyond that, you may also have the possibility your friend's GF gets the wrong idea or feels there is more to it than there is... This is a delicate time for everyone...

On balance, I think you should gratefully decline - you should let everyone be thoroughly beyond their grieving before developing any other parts of a relationship. Perhaps in a few months more this may be something you could talk to your SO about; let her know that you thought about it but declined; but if it's still something you felt you really wanted to do, you could talk to her about it so that she knows there is nothing going on that she is not aware of... It just seems too soon... :thinking:

I know you'll not want to miss opportunities - but I think this still needs more time and definitely further communication and agreement.. :)

Katey x

[rileycattus]

Hi Angelina,

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. However I'm placing myself in the shoes of your girlfriend and urge you not to do anything that might cause another devastating loss. Even if everything is completely platonic with Angelina, your gf doesn't deserve to be lied to. I don't know her demeanor, but from my eyes I would suggest that you express your wish to hang out with Angelina while dressed and let her know how much it would mean to you. Make sure she knows that you aren't picking sides and you value her more than anything else. Make sure she knows that it allows you that connection to your late friend. She may see it your way, she may not. If she doesn't... well... you have to let it go. I can see you desire that female friend connection, but it shouldn't be behind the back of the person you love more than anything. Hope that helps and best of luck.

Riley

[Jane G]

Honestly, I can't see any possible way that could work out well. Short of leaving your current so. It would just push you into a web of deception and mistrust and that is poison in a relationship.

[mechamoose]

Honesty, honesty, honesty.

No landmines exist without deception.

Be up front as much as you can, and it will turn out for the best.

Even if is causes an earthquake, what comes after is for the best.

(I have tried it the other way, the angst just isn't worth it)

- MM

[AngelaYVR]

As good as it could be there are just too many ways it could end up badly. As Katie said, give it a bit more time - if the opportunity is still there then that will be the moment to talk to your gf about it.

[angelinamillar]

Thanks for all your replies,

kinda freaking out now, I understand and take in what you girls have said and I see that lying to my SO about going to another woman's house and be dressed seems to be bad. I am just so happy to be able to have the opportunity 2 be the real me with another GG for a few hours. I know there is nothing I feel towards her and she has assured me that what happens there stays there, kinda like talking about fight club (hope u have seen fight club or u won't get that) I am sure that like me most of you would love to be able to have a release for a few hours with a GG, even thou I know some of you girls have GG's who live with and accept the other you. But even after 21 years (which is half my life) I don't have this with my SO I still love her but I also have this overwhelming desire to spend a few hours as the real me. I know I trust her as she has known for 3 years and she has best friends who work at my work and I know she has not said anything. I won't be lying to my SO as we do not live together and it is not like she would ever know. Maybe I am making excuses as I want to be able to have this time with someone accepting. I know after so many years my SO is not that accepting of Angelina but I do genuinely love her and understand that she does not get along with her but that does not make me think that I should look at my relationship with her as being not understanding. I do not care that she does not like me being Angelina in front of her even thou she tolerates Angelina clothes and shoes being here, nothing is mentioned. Yes it would be amazing to be with a SO who loves and accepts me for being well Angelina but all I know is these days life is too short and after so many years I do not want to mess things up with her. OMG this was so exciting before but now seems like such a drama.

My friends ex assured me there is no other motive for the get together, just some time so I can be me, and some company for her. She has know about me for 3 years and nothing has been said and considering her best friend is my SO's manager at work I am pretty sure the trust is there. I have not sexual motive for meeting up with her and she knows that. How can something so cool end up feeling like a scene from from sitcom :(

[1958Candi]

This is an easy one. If you can't tell your girlfriend about it, don't do it.

[Teresa]

Angelina,e
If you're unsure of the outcome then don't go through with it, it is a kind gesture from your friends ex .
If you really can't let it go, the only way for it to happen is the lady concerned contacts your partner to see how she feels about the situation it may just persuade your partner to have a rethink on your situation. It still sounds a tricky one and is full of problems but we don't know all the details .

[mechamoose]

I will re-enforce here. If you can't do it while being honest, don't do it.

It may feel awesome to have the outlet, but if you have to hide that?

It will break things. Honest, it will.

If you have to hide, then you have not solved the root of the problem...how to be yourself without breaking your world. You either need to piss off people you love or you need to figure out how to hide it all.

I, for one, hate hiding. Hiding is on the short list of things I am really bad at,

But I'm willing to upturn the apple cart in order to be myself and damn the consequences. This approach has cost me over time. It has cost me relationships, it has cost me jobs, it has had phases where it really stank. It has also has times I have felt totally justified and validated.

You and only you can say what is right for you. I may be living on the edge, but that has NOTHING to do with your life. You don't have to live up to MY expectations... you need to live up to your own. YOU need to live in your skin, I don't.

In my perfect world, we could all be our floufy or manly selves and not care what anyone else thinks. I'm lucky enough to live in a liberal State, have a supportive family, and have few consequences for being my odd self. We don't all get that, and I understand that.

Honesty makes it all better.

As I said, it may break some things... but I truly believe that whatever breaks was already broken.

<3

- MM

[angelinamillar]

I do not think that she would say anything to anyone anyway as she has known for over 3 years anyway. I am not lying to my SO as I said and we see each other every other day for so many years she would not know anyway. I am sure that if this girl kept my secret for all these years she would not say anything now. She has no contact with my SO and it is not as if I am going behind her back and seeing another woman as that is not the intention at all and she has also made it clear that she has no intentions towards me in that respect. Ok maybe it seems like I am making excuses here to make it happen ,maybe more so as every response has been totally against the idea.

What would be the case if this was an understanding male friend, what then? Is it just the fact that it is a woman that makes this seem to devious? That is not my intention or hers, I know she would not go saying to anyone what was happening as I trust her. Only finding out tonight that she has known about be for 3 years and not hearing anything back from anyone considering we live on a small island kind of makes me feel that she can be trusted. It is not my intention to go there dresses and make out with this woman as there is simply no way, we are simply friends and she knows this.

People seem to be making out that is is soooo bad and that I should be telling my SO what I am going to be doing (or would like to be doing) but there is no way in a million years that I would tell my SO I was going to another woman's house for a few hours to be Angelina. I know from past experience that if I said that she would freak out, not understand and want to accept Angelina more. She knows and we don't let them meet, she does not say anything negative about it and we do discuss fashions, clothes, shoes, hosiery etc but I do not dress in front of her no more.

As most of you must understand the huge compulsion be be accepted and dressed in front of others can be overwhelming as is the feeling I have now. OMG this is driving me crazy now :(

[LeslieSD]

This is a really tough one. I can totally feel the dilemma.

There are indeed two separate issues here: (1) meeting a later friend's ex and giving her your support, and (2) making a friendship with another single woman.

I think the tricky part with (1) is that most people will feel that at this time of weakness and needing some comfort, there is some chance of a little bit of "sympathetic intimacy" if you go alone to her house. This has nothing to do with whether you are dressed or not. That fact that you are going as Angelina does not make that less likely or more likely.

I would suggest that meeting in a public place (like getting a coffee together) is a good alternative, or maybe consider meeting her in your male mode or even with your SO together. That may prevent you from having to make the hard choice, providing her with your support and at the same time not betray your SO. If your SO is not OK even with that, then maybe you will have some other issues to worry about.

The thing with (2) is that Angelina wants so much the recognition from friends or any other people. I am sure you have tried so hard with your SO, but you are still not getting it from her. Now there is another people who would recognize you, and how can you let that opportunity slide away. But is your SO OK with you having a "platonic" friendship with another (single) woman? What is her line? Where is your line? These questions are there to be answered, and has nothing to do with your friend's ex. The only way to have an answer there is to have a talk between you and your SO first.

Lastly, is there a voice in your mind asking "if you are willing to leave your SO and go with another woman if she is willing to accept Angelina"? I am sure only you know the answer.

[Rachael Leigh]

The most important advice is be open and honest with your SO, since she knows about Angelina then tell her you have an invitation to do this but make it clear this is not anything more.
That's my advice honesty works the best

[heatherdress]

Angelina - It seems like you already know that any friendship or relationship you might develop with your deceased friend's (I am sorry for your loss) would not be acceptable to your girlfriend who you love. It may seem tempting or attractive. It may be simple and innocent. But there is no way you can make it OK to do unless you discuss it with your girlfriend and she is OK with it - which most likely is not going to happen or you would not be sharing this dilemma. Nothing good will result in a secret dress-up session except maybe a very short episode of risky fun. C

[Tracii G]

Just doesn't feel like the right thing to do but that is just my opinion.
If you discuss it with your SO and work out a meeting in a public place that might ease your SO's mind.
Or you and your SO could ask her to dinner somewhere and just have a nice chat with her.You in boy mode of course.
Maybe she could help your SO to be a little more accepting about your CDing.

[xNicolex]

Hi Angelina, First of all I'm very sorry to hear about your friend's passing :sad: As for your dilemma I totally understand why you being yourself with someone appeals to you if your SO isn't comfortable with you being Angelina. It sounds like you really want to do it but there is a moral issue. You need to think about what would happen if she found out about your girly nights with another girl how would she react? I do understand the need to be yourself in front of others and if your not able to express that urge in your own home in front of your SO it's only natural that you'd want to take the opportunity somewhere else with someone else. This being said if your SO knows you dress or is aware that you still dress would asking her permission be an option? after all you did mention you see this girl regular enough so I'm sure your SO of 21 years trusts you. If you asked her and she ended up being ok with you dressing elsewhere at least you could do it guilt free. Whatever you decide to do good luck and be careful :)

[angelinamillar]

Thank you all for your replies and kind advice and I don't know if it is just because I have slept on it but I can now clearly see how much of a bad idea it really is. Now my issue is to tell my friends ex that I won't be able to do it, now that is a whole other new scenario. Why are our lives so complicated.

Hugs,

Angelina

[xNicolex]

Thank you all for your replies and kind advice and I don't know if it is just because I have slept on it but I can now clearly see how much of a bad idea it really is. Now my issue is to tell my friends ex that I won't be able to do it, now that is a whole other new scenario. Why are our lives so complicated.

Hugs,

Angelina

I'm sure she will understand Angelina just explain to her that you don't want to keep secrets from your own wife because you may feel guilty :o I always say life is as complex as we make it. Sometimes the right thing to do isn't always obvious nor is it the one we want to do, but in the long run if it's best for all involved it is the right answer that will set you free :)

[reb.femme]

I know from bitter experience that losing a partner through death, churns your emotions over like an internal liquidiser. It lasts for an indefinite period and comes out when you least expect it. Your friends SO is still delicate from this event, whatever she may say.

I read that you now see this is not a good idea, but would still reiterate as others have said, gracefully decline and don't let this come between you and your SO, tempting as it is.

Becky

[Katey888]

Hey Angelina...

Glad that you slept on it and things now seem clearer - I'd always recommend sleeping on any sort of biggish decision like this... :)

Wanted to say one other thing: Please try not to feel bad or beat yourself up over this and the feelings that you're having. I'm pretty sure that many of us have the same need and desire to have our other aspect accepted, and to have a GF offer that type of affirmation is not something that should be turned away lightly. Perhaps you can just ask her for time rather than an outright refusal..? Who knows how things may change in the future and in the right circumstances perhaps your SO would accept your need and desire to express even if it meant doing it somewhere else and with someone else...? But mostly you shouldn't feel bad about making the right choice now - I suspect there are many more out here who would find it much, much harder to resist an offer like that but simply offering advice rather than actually living the choice is a much easier place to be. :)

Don't feel bad - park the idea for now but keep your options open...

Katey x