Death, unexpectedly

[Jenny22]

I've been reading a post about being found dead while pretty. If you read my first post, you'll know that I'm an old fart (80 yo), and this has been a big question in my mind, especially now, at my age. Maybe it should be in yours, too, regardless of your age. You never know.

My blessed wife is understanding of my feminine needs, but suppose we both perished together? What would our children think (they do NOT know) if I was pretty when it happened, or if not pretty, our children found my feminine things after my death knowing that the clothing was not their mother's ?? This could happen.

I have one side of a closet in a guest room to keep my feminine finery. I was thinking of putting a letter in an envelope and pinning it to the clothes in that section of the closet (to be opened only in the event of my death), signed 'Papa', explaining my life and my TG logings to them.

I believe that if I asked them to sit down and discuss, our youngest would be able to explain though she never knew. She's a very wise girl.

For those of you who are elderly and still closeted to your family, or those who have a hidden stash that might be found post-death, do you think this is a thoughtful approach or way out of line? I could possibly use Jenniferathome's approach in it or something else as meaningful to a family that did not know?

I'd be honored with you thoughts and, importantly, your suggestions, as this is a very important subject to me at my age.

Thanks, all.

Jenny22

[heatherdress]

Jenny - If you have never told your family at this point in your life, why would you want your final message in life to be focused on your crossdressing? If you want to leave a message, wouldn't it be better to focus on memories shared and your feelings for them? It should be about them, not you.

Chances are very unlikely that you will perish together. But if you are that concerned that you both might pass away unexpectedly, maybe you can confide in a friend who can dispose of your feminine finery discretely.

Leaving a disclosure letter to be discovered by loved ones after death would seem to add more grief and confusion than necessary.

[Robin414]

That's a really good point, how would it look if you called 'check please' in the middle of desert and had a secret stash? I'm 'out' in my house and don't go out of my way to hide stuff, maybe because I DON'T want it found by surprise without being able to explain/defend it 😕

[Krystenw]

Before I was retired, I worked in the medical field for 47 years.
The one thing I found after all those years is that when it is your time, you are history.
It doesn't make any difference what you are doing or what you are wearing.
I don't have to worry about what is found in my closets.
Both my daughters and their husbands know all about my "Problem".
Now, my grandchildren have no clue and I'm sure my daughters will Keep it that way.
And besides that, as was mentioned in another post. You aren't going to be there to worry about it.
I think perhaps a letter would be alright, You mentioned that your youngest is a very wise girl.

Kids are a lot smarter then you think.
Besides that at 80 Chances are she already knows and just doesn't want to embarrass you by telling you that she knows.

Best wishes. And God Bless.
Krysten

[Sky]

I believe in face to face communication. So if your children don't know now and you won't tell them, why would you want to explain it in a post-mortem letter? Better lock your stash and label it private in case anything happens.

IMHO, either keep it the way it is and let them live now and afterwards with the only image of dad they know, or -if it's important to you- tell them in person.

[Amy Lynn3]

This is just a thought. Store your things in storage containers. Mark them on top with......Take to Goodwill Next Week. On top of your stash, place some of your male clothing. This might not fool anyone, but I'm sure it would place doubt in the mind of anyone who discovers them. Doing it this way I don't think children would automatically think Dad was a crossdresser.

You could plant a seed in the mind of your children, during a conversation that you plan on helping a charity organization, just because you are the nice person you are.:love:

[Rachelakld]

One heck of a time to "surprise" your young folk, who will wonder who their dad actually was (without any chance of answers), for the rest of their lives.
At 80, I would recommend disposing of everything ASAP to keep your manly image intact, or allow your children to know who you really are.
Failing that, keep all your stuff at a "friends" house, so that they can dispose of everthing in the event.

I'm out to my family, so no surprises for them when I have my ticket punched.

[Tracii G]

If you want to leave a letter pinned to an outfit sure why not?
If that is what you want then fine.
If you pass first your wife will dispose of your things in time.
If your kids saw the clothes they would probably think they are your wife's things.
I don't see a huge problem here.

[Jenny22]

Thanks for your thoughts, ladies. My "letter" idea was because, if my wife and I departed together (auto accident?), and my adult children found my feminine clothes, which would be much larger then my wife's, there would be an explanation.

I can't reveal to them now. They are of a generation that wouldn't understand without a good explanation, except for perhaps a daughter. Heatherdress, I like your suggestion, and I would certainly do that, perhaps in the opening paragraphs.

Again, thanks all for your thoughts and caring.

OX Jenny22

[heatherdress]

Good luck Jenny. Please do not go planning a departure soon. We need you and enjoy you here.

[sometimes_miss]

One option is to include with your will, as good of an explanation as you can come up with, and make it mandatory that everyone be present for it's reading, as well as copies being available to anyone who wishes to have one. Your lawyer won't have any problem with this. And, it will be your last chance to educate part of the world about the variation of gender expression among humans. Teach!

[Stephanie47]

I'm pushing my late 60's. My wife knows. I do not think my adult children know. I've thought about it...my wife and I passing on together. Or, if my wife predeceases me....same issues. Is it worse for them to find out after death by accident? Or, is it worse for them to find out the little secret and then form some bad image that will taint my relationship with my kids now and until I pass on. I figure if my wife predeceases me I'd at least pare down my wardrobe to something more in line with the amount of clothes a woman may own. My wife and I wear the same size dress, so it could be I'd suggest I couldn't bear the thought of disposing of all her clothes. It just makes me happy to have something of her's near.

[Donniesr]

I just turned 62 this last December. My wife knows, and sometimes is supportive, sometimes not. (such is life with a schizophrenic. YES THE REAL DEAL). My daughter is very supportive, my son knows but doesn't want to see it or even deal with it. My grandchildren sort of know, (what they have been told by their parents), (is he my gramma too?) but I respect them and not dress when they are around.
I doubt it would be a really big deal if I were found dead in a dress.

[GenieGirl]

Hi Jenny,

I agree with Heatherdress's comment. You could possibly look into handing over a key to a trusted someone to dispose of your stuff in the unfortunate event that you pass before your wife. My best CD friend gave me the key to her storage space in the unlikely event that this happens to her. Her wife or family will never know if she is to ever pass. Sounds like some Mafia shit I know right? The hard life of living in the closet :/.

[kittie60]

What ever feels comfortale for you. But if your already dressed and the time comes they will know about it anyway..

[bridget thronton]

I stopped worrying about this after I told my adult children - not sure this works for everyone

[Cheryl T]

To answer this I have to tell a short story.
Some years ago my mom was in Florida visiting friends. One night she told me on the phone that she was thinking of buying a home there. She then asked me what I would do with it if she died.
My answer was "If I keep it, sell it, or burn it to the ground what do you care? You'll be dead."
She said, you're right, it doesn't matter.

That's how I feel about this. Were I to die "pretty" and someone who did not know found me or got word, well, who cares, I'm dead. If all my actions in my life can't supersede this one fact then I wonder why I tried to live a good life in the first place.

[Jackie7]

It's DADT and TMI with my kids, they know all they want to know, they will just truck the whole lot of girl clothes to Goodwill, and turn their attention to maximizing the sale of our art collection and my woodworking shop. Or else they will just torch the place and everything in it. As others note, dead is dead and there's nothing left to lose.

[Genni]

I haven't told my (adult) daughters, but I don't think they would be surprised, let alone shocked. I've had manicures and pedicures with them (clear polish if you please) and the younger noticed that I shave my legs. I would be disappointed if they have a huge problem accepting that someone (even their dad) is a little "different." That said, I've been thinking for some time that I should share this with them. It's just a question of how and when.

[Anne K]

This is a very interesting post and something I've thought about. My friends and family know I dance to a different drummer, though only my Fiance and I know what that beat really is. The way I see it is: when I die, I'm dead. My closeted life will surely bring a smile to some friends and family and a lot of gossip. Hey, I hope they have fun with it! I've lived a good and generous life; that is my legacy. I can pass on knowing that. Friends and family will remember me however they want

[CONSUELO]

This is all rather depressing. We have to go through life in fear of being "found out" and we are also in fear of being found out after we are dead. If you stand back and look at this I think it a very sad comment on our community that it has to stay in the shadows for ever.

[Ozark]

This thread is hitting close to home. I have noticed another couple of threads on the same subject.

I am 66 and have had minor health issues for several years. My wife knows I like 'pretty' things. The past two summers we traveled in our Airstream and I was fortunate enough to be able to freely wear the clothes I am comfortable wearing. I am more of an "Iowa farm wife" type of crossdresser. Jeans and tops mostly. And of course, my pretty gowns and panties.

A week ago I had a stroke. Because I was going out to daughter's horse born, I wore my JC Penney men's briefs...I knew I would be moving stuff around and I didn't want to flash anyone at barn. This was one of the few days I didn't underdress. I went to the hospital. The funny thing was that I was never asked to remove my jeans until I had an ultrasound of my legs. The technician wasn't interested in what kind of underwear I had on. He kept me covered with a sheet and uncovered each leg. I never put my pants back on. Later, my wife brought me clean underwear and socks.

Do my kids know I dress? I don't know. I suspect that I have been the subject of some discussion as my two granddaughters (6 and 8) told my wife one time that "Mom said it's not polite to go into Grandpa's room" or words to that effect. We are good friends with a lesbian couple who know I like dressing... they stayed at our lake cabin several years ago and found some of my clothes. One of them, after a few drinks, told me that they suspected I dressed because the clothes were not the style my wife would wear. I admitted that I liked to wear pretty things, especially at the lake. I find it relaxing and fun.

So what's going to happen if I die before my wife? I asked her if our friends could come over and sort my stuff out. She said she didn't want that. She would probably just trash it. I've been pretty active in selling stuff on ebay, but that is hit and miss.

I did notice in myself that after my fall last February my affinity for thrift store shopping fell off dramatically. I used to rationalize buying clothes at thrift stores that I would put them on eBay. Usually that didn't happen, After my fall my wife seemed the change her attitude about my choice of apparel. She has made several comments when I am dressed in pajamas or a gown and robe that I am 'pretty'... I asked her and she told me that life is too short and I seem more relaxed when I am dressed, just don't over do it. I am not into passing, I never could and I don't kid myself that I could. Pant suits or jeans and tops are more my style. I am partial to earth tones. I laugh when I remember that line from "The Bird Cage" ....'just a hint of color'.... I suppose I am just that old man who dresses funny. lol

So, what happens when I die? Nothing. Eventually I suppose my wife will give my stuff to a thrift store. I have been doing that a little bit with stuff that doesn't sell on eBay. I steer away from Goodwill and Salvation Army...don't like their politics. There is a Methodist thrift store in a nearby town, I give them a lot... It is funny going into their store and seeing something I like then realizing it was an item that I had given them. I remember one outfit that was a top, trousers, and coat... I saw the woman buying it...she did not look like the type to wear that style.

Oh well, writing this has been therapeutic for as I sit here on the couch with my laptop on my lap. thank you.

[Launa]

A hard question to answer cause I'm out to a lot of folks all over. I've got pictures with the press at quite a few fundraising events last year. Only a matter of time when more folks catch on. LOL

To your question, I wouldn't do a thing with a letter or make any changes. If by unfortunate circumstances you and your wife passed together the house would get cleaned out and nobody would say a thing. If, if, if and that's a big IF anybody said something then it would be very obvious that whatever went on behind closed doors is your business. The kids would look at each other and say well whatever the DEAL WAS HERE mom obviously knew too. That would be the end. A long letter would only make it worse and give folks the opportunity to imagine other shit and your not there to answer any curios questions. Look its not like you had an affair 40 years ago and there is another son or daughter out there coming to ask for a stake in the will. The other thing to consider at your age what are the chances of this happening now that you are retired, hanging around the house more etc... Your not living the hectic lifestyle of the middle age folk or at least I assume.

The next thing you will need to consider though is what if your wife passes before you do and you want to keep a full wardrobe around? However that hasn't happened either so why worry about it now?

[Jenny22]

When I thanked all yesterday for their input, I had no idea that 20 more would comment!! It seems that my initial thread has caused many of you more mature ladies to give the issue some serious thought. For that, I'm well pleased. I now know that such concerns are not mine alone.The additional comments from everyone directly to me are being taken very seriously. I will eventually form plans to deal with my own needs based on them. Isn't this a fantastic forum with fantastic people contributing!!!!
OX
Jenny 22

[avant1465]

After you (or, I) klink off.... what are we going to give a darn about what's left behind?????

[chelyann]

i would not leave a letter , like others have said let the chips fall where they may.
my kids know some what. SO knows , i when i go im gone what do i care :)

[Davinnia]

I think it does matter what happens after we die ( I hate the word "pass", it tries to hide the the fact someone's dead ) because otherwise why do we leave a will & ensure our finances are in order. So life is easier for those grieving & having to sort everything. I had to empty my Dad's house & it's a big enough job without the shock of discovering a big secret. Leaving a letter of explanation with your will seems an acceptable way of revealing a CD secret to family.

[heatherdress]

I think it does matter what happens after we die ( I hate the word "pass", it tries to hide the the fact someone's dead ) because otherwise why do we leave a will & ensure our finances are in order. So life is easier for those grieving & having to sort everything. I had to empty my Dad's house & it's a big enough job without the shock of discovering a big secret. Leaving a letter of explanation with your will seems an acceptable way of revealing a CD secret to family.

Divinnia - I understand the desire to try and make our death easier for our loved ones, but isn't a letter left explaining a crossdressing secret a shock? If you really want to spare them a discovery shock after your death, you either confide in them your secret while still alive (which may not be easy or desirable), or you stop dressing and purge (which might also not be easy or desirable), or you arrange to have someone help out by disposing of your feminine stuff. A letter only explains what you hid from them and might be even more hurtful because you did not confide your secret with them while you were still with them.

[Krisi]

You don't have to be old to die. Especially if your wife and you die at the same time.

Being dead and leaving evidence of crossdressing around is something I haven't really thought about. The real solution is to stop dressing and get rid of the evidence. Most of us are not going to do that.

It is something to think about and I'm sure we will each find our on solutions depending on our individual circumstances. There's no "fits all" solution.