tanya_cd
01-08-2016, 11:46 PM
I went shopping the other day. This was the first time I have ever been in general public dressed en femme. I have been out to a dark club a couple times, but I didn't have to "try" to pass then. This time was a lot different.So I put together an outift (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?235510-First-time-shopping-outfit) and off I went.
First I had to get to my car without being spotted by the neighbors. This is becoming a less of a worry because I'm starting to really not care. The first few times I have left my house, I was DEATHLY afraid it seemed. Now, not as much, but still I don't necessarily want to be seen at this point.
I make it to my car and I start to drive, it really starts to sink in. I feel almost immediately this rush from an accumulation all the preparation in getting ready, doing my nails, shaving, moisturizing, makeup, getting dressed, and a touch of perfume. Looking in the rear view mirror I see these women's eyes. I'm feeling the most confident I have ever felt in my life to present myself in such a way. Ever since I was a child I have wanted to accentuate myself as a female but social constraints have always kept that from happening. In the first few days of leading up to finally doing this, I started to fee like this was about something way much more then a shopping trip. But while driving in my car, I knew it was. There has been these echoing questions in my mind, one of which was, "Am I transgender?" To best explain it, its as if they started out subtle and soft, eventually growing louder until that moment when I looked in the mirror, I was staring at the answer. But then I was like "wait, I still have to go shopping."
My first stop, Burlington Coat Factory. LOL. It took me a few minutes to get out of the car, which felt a lot like getting ready to jump off the bungee platform or out of a perfectly good airplane. But, i was going to do this. I gathered up the determination and opened the door. I had been practicing my walking and mannerisms so I was very conscious of my gate and the way I held my hands. I become aware that people are dressed for a bit cooler weather then I am, but not a big deal. I can't continue to let every little thing keep from me doing this. So I walk through the doors and I'm immediately greeted by a cashier. After saying hello, I walk to the section with the discount size 11 shoes :) So far nobody has freaked out. I heard no comments or giggles. I didn't expect them but what I was listening for was silence. I just wanted them to continue to have their conversations and go about their business like they normally would. They did. At this point I am really starting to feel more at ease. So I start looking at clothes and realized the prices were way too high for what it was.
Next stop Ross. A lot more people, families and couples here. Still nobody made me feel uncomfortable. However I was riding on an incredible amount of adrenaline. Again, I didn't really see anything I wanted to even try on, much less purchase, so I ventured off to Target. I wanted to get some spanx for my dresstech hip pads that just arrived, but Target was out. I didn't want to go home empty handed, even though I had cleared a big hurdle even going out, so I stopped by a thrift store and ended up buying a couple of cute tops that I think would look good with some capris I have. I think its more of a warmer weather look, but I do live in Florida.
So this has been a pretty intense week. I have been en femme 24/7 for over a week now, and I am dreading work on Monday. I hope they cant tell I shaped my eyebrows. :straightface: My nails have gotten sooo long and absolutely hate the fact I have to cut them. :phbbt: I definitely have some things to think about going forward. I know the answers to a lot of questions but what I intend to do about them is another thing. Right now one of those questions is, "what is it going to take for me to be happy?" I have a lot to lose. I am single, but publicly exploring who I am inside could jeopardize my career, my health, and a lot other things. Being outed doesn't scare me as much as it does the financial fall out. Buying nice feminine things is kind of hard when your broke.
I don't want to leave this on a sour note, in fact the last week has been absolutely fantastic and exhilarating. :) I have had so much fun, and feel so much more in touch with myself and who I am. I will post some pics of what I bought as soon as I can. I am already planning on another shopping adventure, and this time, I hope to take some pics while I am out. I wanted to this time, but wasn't brave enough to be seen snapping selfies yet and was a little preoccupied by just living in the moment. lol I say this with true sincerity, I don't think any of this would have been possible without the people who post on this board. This is a very therapeutic place and the fact that you all share with me and I can share with you thoughts that normally we cant always express to others, has really helped me find and reach this new level of me. Your bravery, courage and willingness to be who you are is very uplifting and powerful!
Keep being you ladies! You are all beautiful and deserving of love. :)
First I had to get to my car without being spotted by the neighbors. This is becoming a less of a worry because I'm starting to really not care. The first few times I have left my house, I was DEATHLY afraid it seemed. Now, not as much, but still I don't necessarily want to be seen at this point.
I make it to my car and I start to drive, it really starts to sink in. I feel almost immediately this rush from an accumulation all the preparation in getting ready, doing my nails, shaving, moisturizing, makeup, getting dressed, and a touch of perfume. Looking in the rear view mirror I see these women's eyes. I'm feeling the most confident I have ever felt in my life to present myself in such a way. Ever since I was a child I have wanted to accentuate myself as a female but social constraints have always kept that from happening. In the first few days of leading up to finally doing this, I started to fee like this was about something way much more then a shopping trip. But while driving in my car, I knew it was. There has been these echoing questions in my mind, one of which was, "Am I transgender?" To best explain it, its as if they started out subtle and soft, eventually growing louder until that moment when I looked in the mirror, I was staring at the answer. But then I was like "wait, I still have to go shopping."
My first stop, Burlington Coat Factory. LOL. It took me a few minutes to get out of the car, which felt a lot like getting ready to jump off the bungee platform or out of a perfectly good airplane. But, i was going to do this. I gathered up the determination and opened the door. I had been practicing my walking and mannerisms so I was very conscious of my gate and the way I held my hands. I become aware that people are dressed for a bit cooler weather then I am, but not a big deal. I can't continue to let every little thing keep from me doing this. So I walk through the doors and I'm immediately greeted by a cashier. After saying hello, I walk to the section with the discount size 11 shoes :) So far nobody has freaked out. I heard no comments or giggles. I didn't expect them but what I was listening for was silence. I just wanted them to continue to have their conversations and go about their business like they normally would. They did. At this point I am really starting to feel more at ease. So I start looking at clothes and realized the prices were way too high for what it was.
Next stop Ross. A lot more people, families and couples here. Still nobody made me feel uncomfortable. However I was riding on an incredible amount of adrenaline. Again, I didn't really see anything I wanted to even try on, much less purchase, so I ventured off to Target. I wanted to get some spanx for my dresstech hip pads that just arrived, but Target was out. I didn't want to go home empty handed, even though I had cleared a big hurdle even going out, so I stopped by a thrift store and ended up buying a couple of cute tops that I think would look good with some capris I have. I think its more of a warmer weather look, but I do live in Florida.
So this has been a pretty intense week. I have been en femme 24/7 for over a week now, and I am dreading work on Monday. I hope they cant tell I shaped my eyebrows. :straightface: My nails have gotten sooo long and absolutely hate the fact I have to cut them. :phbbt: I definitely have some things to think about going forward. I know the answers to a lot of questions but what I intend to do about them is another thing. Right now one of those questions is, "what is it going to take for me to be happy?" I have a lot to lose. I am single, but publicly exploring who I am inside could jeopardize my career, my health, and a lot other things. Being outed doesn't scare me as much as it does the financial fall out. Buying nice feminine things is kind of hard when your broke.
I don't want to leave this on a sour note, in fact the last week has been absolutely fantastic and exhilarating. :) I have had so much fun, and feel so much more in touch with myself and who I am. I will post some pics of what I bought as soon as I can. I am already planning on another shopping adventure, and this time, I hope to take some pics while I am out. I wanted to this time, but wasn't brave enough to be seen snapping selfies yet and was a little preoccupied by just living in the moment. lol I say this with true sincerity, I don't think any of this would have been possible without the people who post on this board. This is a very therapeutic place and the fact that you all share with me and I can share with you thoughts that normally we cant always express to others, has really helped me find and reach this new level of me. Your bravery, courage and willingness to be who you are is very uplifting and powerful!
Keep being you ladies! You are all beautiful and deserving of love. :)