Being

[Kandi Robbins]

This is simply a rhetorical question, more me thinking out loud than anything else.

I've conquered many hurdles this past year and feel like I'm in a good place, I think I understand myself. When do I get to the state of just "being"? Getting beyond the nuts and bolts of all of this and just being who I am. There is certainly an excitement to much of this, the planning, the outfits, the shopping, meeting new people, but when do I settle into that comfortable place? It's still about going here or doing this or seeing this friend, all great things, but I haven't settled into just spending time being me or at least this secondary version of me.

Not looking for any feedback necessarily, I know the answers. There aren't any, really, in life and particularly in CDing, or so it seems. I've really been reflecting quite a bit lately on all of this (not so much the new year as it is my current inability to dress with my daughter home on break).

Just babbling..................

[Meghan4now]

But life is also a series of events we call a journey. There is a lot to be said about living in the moment, and living our values. And you seem to do that well.

You know your sisters here love you!

[Maria 60]

Well your not the only one thinking out loud, just the other day after almost thirty years of dressing and thinking I have figured it out and just enjoying any of the little time I do get to dress, I ask myself " were do these feeling come from to make me want to dress like a girl"?. WOW! One step forward two steps back. You are not alone, just me you are not.LOl

[Kandi Robbins]

Please don't misinterpret my post as feeling down, not at all. I have become very comfortable with who I am (only took about 50 years). There is a feeling of peace associated with that.

I'm just being reflective. Even now I can spend hours with a giant smile on my face (while dressed), internally happier than I ever thought possible, but still have that brief WTF moment. I know, that is what life is, but I'm searching for something more, I guess. My slightly late midlife crisis.

[Kate Simmons]

Sometimes it just takes awhile for things to fall into place my friend. In the meantime just enjoy being "you". :)

[MarciManseau]

Are you sure you want things to change? Sounds to me like you have a lot of things going; your life can't be boring. Maybe this IS your life. Sounds nice

[MissTee]

I found that once I just accepted that I CD and that it's OK, it was easy to move on to "being." My wife' support helped. Anymore I dress and go about my business and don't think anything of it, not do I try to dissect what it all means.

[DeeArel]

For life in general, planning for any fun event is exciting. It is only natural.

[Amanda M]

If you were a Buddhist, you would know that the answer is - almost always never. If you are not, the answer is still the same. When you think you are perfect, you have just proved to yourself that you are not. You, dear lady, are you. Unique in the world, a treasure for all who know you.

Daughter - what would happen if she knew? Would she stop loving you for who you are. Have a think, stay safe and appreciate yourself

[StephanieinSecret]

Those "wtf moments", as you put it, are the spice that keeps this hobby (habit, obsession, desire...take your pick) fun and interesting. As you said, shame is no longer on your radar, and you have no real reason to feel upset about your dressing. That said, no one, on this forum or elsewhere, really understands what crossdressing means or why we do it. No matter how secure in ourselves we get, we are always going to feel a tiny bit unsure, because we cannot identify the source of our feelings. A poster above mentioned Buddha, which I think is very appropriate. There is something of Zen to be found in accepting something that is beyond understanding.

[Heidi Stevens]

Kandi, my dear friend, you finally shifted out of high gear and clutched out! You've done nothing but take in as much as you could since you started your journey just a few months ago. The holiday Kandi-break and now daily routine has finally got you to a spot where you can reflect on the last year or two. You crammed a lot of stuff in and you are just now starting to appreciate the experience. At the same time you have taken time to ask yourself a few questions on how you got here.
I've been doing all of my dressing and outings and reflections over 40 years, so I've had time to absorb it all and analyze my actions. You finally took a breath long enough in your two year sprint to do the same. Don't over read things. Try to figure what made you happy and enjoy things when you put it back into gear! Here to help or have some fun!