Purging

[Donna Indelco]

I often hear about some girls purging their makeup, clothes, etc. Since I never have or had an inclination to do so, I can't say I have first hand experience as to a reason why it's done. There's the obvious reason that it was just a fad and you got over it and never looked back. Or, perhaps something changed is one's living situation that caused it. There are many legitimate reasons like these. My question concerns those people who have done it multiple times. Could it be that they feel guilty about their dressing and eventually it gets the best of them, thus the purge? Only to once again eventually realize they are driven to dress. Of course I am not judging anyone here but I find it interesting, what do you think?

[Katey888]

My experience:

Shame - guilt - ignorance - fear - and a misplaced belief that one can consciously suppress this permanently... (for a while is OK - a few years even, but not forever...)

Self-acceptance and an understanding of how my gender identity likes flexing has been a blessed relief - along with understanding how much worse or severe both the circumstances and the condition can be for others.

Consider yourself fortunate you've never been afflicted in this way... :)

Katey x

[Sarah-RT]

In the past I've come close to purging but never went through with it.
The reasons for were out of rejection of myself, I didn't want that side of me and just wanted to be normal.

Thankfully I never did and I know I never will now as I've accepted this about myself now

[bronwyneve]

I have purged a few of times over the years and have regretted it afterwards as quite a few of my favorite items were lost. On one occasion 15 years ago I purged my full wardrobe, in a great panic out of the fear of being caught/confronted. My fiancee (now wife) knew about my dressing but she didn't know to the extent that I dressed, thinking that I dressed in lingerie in the privacy of our home. She was away at her mothers for a few days. This night I had been out in public fully dressed, window shopping and visiting adult bookshops in central Melbourne. I realized I had been seen and followed home some 25kms by a taxi driver. I lived on a very quiet back street with very little traffic. I didn't realize that I was followed home by him until I pulled off the freeway and saw the taxi follow me home, stop outside my home then leave and drive slowly past my home a few more times in the space of 10 minutes. I saw this unfold and lost my shit, I made sure the coast was clear, loaded my wardrobe into my car and stopped at the nearest roadside garbage bin to dispose of my lingerie and continued on to the nearest op shop for the rest of my wardrobe.
Other times I have fully purged and partially purged out of guilt and thinking that it would cure me.

[Allisa]

Purged once big time, thought "out of sight-out of mind", worked for about a week then sadness that I didn't have anything to wear, and the guilt was as bad as the guilt about CDing. Luckily I accepted myself and now the only things I purge is old make-up and worn out clothes.

[Alytv]

My purging has been because of moving countries and changes in living situations more so than knowing it was a fad or any guilt factor. The fact my wardrobe and shoe closet is now bigger than ever is testament to the reality of I am who I am. I can understand the guilt and suppression factors though, that is something that wells up within me because I'm not as fortunate enough (or brave enough) at the moment to have a DADT relationship or be out in the open about my crossdressing. As Katey posted - hopefully one day I'll get that blessed relief.

Aly

[CourtneyJamieson]

Yes, I purged all my stuff once. My SO does not know about my CD. I had dressed privately for the first 10 years of our marriage. Then we had a child and my urge disappeared. I thought it was a fetish that I was over and it would never return. I remember the purge. I didn't want to dump everything into a trash receptacle as I didn't want anyone to find everything together. I was going on a 100 mile drive. About every 10 miles I would pull over to a gas station and unload another portion of my stash. I disposed of clothes, nice lingerie, real nice shoes, a wig, and $200 breast forms. Then for about 12 years I really had no desire to dress.But in the past year the urge returned stronger than when I was younger. Had to buy everything all over again. Obviously I regret the purge due to the lost $$$. I didn't purge out of shame or guilt or fear, I just thought the urge to dress had left and I no longer had a need for my Fem wear. Boy was I wrong. I still think of those nice shoes in the bottom of a trash can.

[JanePeterson]

I've been buying wigs at Haloween annually for 8 years, dressing in wife's clothes, and throwing the wig out a few days/weeks later from shame and fear that I'd be discovered. Looking back now after coming out to SO, the shame and fear was irrationally strong- part of a lifetime of repressing female feelings/identity.

[Jenny22]

Many, many years ago in a time far, far away, i did a full purge, 'cause my then non-accepting wife (still married to her) caught me late one evening looking at my girly Poloroid photos I had taken many times in motels when I had to do overnight(s) business trips. (I was a bit inebriated, sitting in my recliner). Needless to say, the defacation contacted the ventilation, and it lasted for a long time! Over the years, she became more accepting of my feminine side and realized that those needs were real, recognizing the much softer and tender side of me and by our open communications. We love each other dearly, and she is more supportive now, so I've got a closet full of my pretty things that are no longer in hidden box storage. I can dress however I want, whenever I want, but I try to keep it to a minimum around her, not wanting to shove it in her face, so to speak.

[CallmeAlice]

I've never purged because of guilt, but I have out of fear. When I first started as a teen, I read stuff like "you may be rejected if people find out" and stuff like that. But 13ish and just getting into cding that was scary. The second time was just before we moved, so my parents wouldn't find out. Purging is hard for me because it's a lot of time and effort and then go and throw it away, it's a though wound to take.

[Robin414]

I did about 25 yrs ago, I think I was just experimenting with that side of me. Not a big deal at the time, I didn't have more than a couple items. Wasn't due to guilt or circumstance but more due to fact I just plain lost interest 😴 That said, I'm back....soooo back....in the program now 😉

[BeckyRiven]

If you are going to purge I would suggest that at least you donate your items to a woman's shelter or some other charity. Don't just throw things away. Someone in need might get some use out of your purge.

[Rachael Leigh]

Yes been there done that several times and I would do it again if it really worked so I didn't have this to deal with anymore.
For me like others have said it worked for a time then I would be out at the mall or someplace and see something cute and it starts over again and my closet is full of clothes.
I hope I don't ever purge again unless I know I won't regret it. Is that possible yes I think it is trouble is I don't have the courage to do it in some ways I hate that about me

[DanielleLee]

My experience:

Shame - guilt - ignorance - fear - and a misplaced belief that one can consciously suppress this permanently... (for a while is OK - a few years even, but not forever...)


Katey x

Yup...

See also... Age appropriate, etc. :-)

[Dana44]

I've purged a few times and for a girl that I did not want to share with. Wow, so many times and I wished I still have some of the old stuff. I will not purge again. I have lost more than a few stuff from a big divorce and trying to hold on to what I have. My girl stuff now is growing and its a big part of me now.

[Sandie70]

Yes, I've purged several times in the past... both times when I had doubts about how far I wanted to go with this. However, finally I have come to grips with the fact that this is me and nothing to be ashamed of. I've even started "coming out" to quite a few people and am slowly moving to a point when I will no longer have to engage in subterfuge in order to dress.

[bok4fun]

I purged once for a new relationship. But I don't think I will next time! The investment is too great! And the next one will have to accept all of me.

[Stephanie47]

When I went through my period of self loathing, hatred, doubts I stopped wearing my mother's clothing. Since then I've donated things that no longer fit. That's it.

[Gina Torres]

I've purged due to fear, when I used to live with my parents. I always thought that my mom knew where my stashes were. This made me feel paranoid and I'd throw all my stuff away. Though, admittedly, I never had more than a few items at a time back then.

The only thing I miss is a pair of black strappy heels, the most expensive item I ever bought and it's in the dump somewhere :(

[Just4me]

hate that word brings up suppressed memories of all the thing I threw away to not get caught and getting caught has been the best thing to ever happen

[Candice June Lee]

There is the things we are taught as children about the gender binary. So having been taught that, I've purged my stuff about three times. Can't close twice in the last few months. This comes for me from reading to much into my wife's comments. Think that I'm not allowed to be this way because I was raised like a male. Even as a kid I fought myself. Just saturday I was about to put it all away. Cut my hair, and what ever else to fit back in as the person im not. But my wife finally got me to talk. I broke down and spilled my guts and felt better. Then at that time I saw I was only being a jerk to myself fighting the up bringing and myself rather than accepting. So we made some good steps forward. My problem is there wasn't any support when I was younger. So I didn't know this was something real like it is. The feelings even when I was "purged" never went away. But I kept fighting the why. Other than drag performers I thought I was a wierd one. Because that's what I was taught as a kid. Even now some small talk from my folks I found its a taboo thing. But I have came clean to my self, so I hope, and I can move foward instead of fighting my internal demons. I know what I need to do now, and I know what I am more than I did just few days ago. Not to mention a year or twenty or thirty ago.

[Mark/Rebecca]

I have purged several times. Sometimes it is the nagging fear of discovery and feeling like I am hiding something. Sometimes it is denial, I look at myself without any clothing and think this is who I really am regardless of how I dress, then I start to feel like i am just pretending to be female. (I feel that coming on now a bit and it is an awful feeling)
I am hoping that buying insanely expensive intimates will keep me from purging because they are also collectors pieces that get discontinued within months of availability.
I love crossdressing and I love us and who we are. I hate being secretive about being more like god's most beautiful creatures.
How can anyone including myself feel that being more female is wrong.

[adrienner99]

I have purged a couple times, but never will again. I purged because my dressing had reached sort of a dead end. I am not "out," nor will I be. I probably don't pass, and stayed indoors most of the time. Then I got married had kids, and knew it would not fit into the life I had built.

Guilt may be some small part of it. I don't feel ashamed to dress. But I do feel the hatred and ridicule some others express toward dressing.

[flatlander_48]

Fortunately I have never had any inclination to purge.

I can understand the fear motive. Fear can be very powerful. However, I think it has more to do with removing the temptation. Out of sight, out of mind, in effect. At least I believe that is the thought process. But over the years from various postings here, we know that it really doesn't work.

DeeAnn

[Taylor186]

I have purged for two reasons: fear of being discovered and the desire to crossdress disappeared, and I thought mistakenly, that it was gone forever. I haven't purged for at least 25 years because my wife knows and I know the desire always returns.

[daviolin]

I used to purge all the time. That was when my wife didn't know about Daviolin. Also I didn't have very many hiding places for my things. Now that my wife is on board with my desire. Purging is just a bad word. It will never happen again. Oh boy I need a bigger closet. So be it. Daviolin

[Jaylyn]

I have not purged since my kids have all grown up and moved out. I still fear that if I were killed in an accident that I would regret my kids finding my things. If I'm the first to go then my wife now knows where I keep all things and she says she will dispose of every thing. If we go together then I will be found out by those who feel I'm 100% male thru n thru. Don't guess it will be of any shocker for me but I prefer my kids not know. My wife knows me like a book and she says she has always known I've had a small amount of kindness in me and she wasn't surprised Jaylyn finally stepped out. She has told me many times to keep my things with hers and we do share the same tops and several other things. I do feel better about not purging on a regular basis now. Growing up to adult hood I think I dressed or would. Sneak in moms make and her old clothes because they were so smooth and alluring to me for some unknown reason. Ever now and then I would keep things she threw away. After I became a husband at the age of 21 and for 40 years I purged when I became overly religious or guilt set in. I am much happier in life by not having to purge but also apprehensive sometimes about my death and kids finding out. I guess for some dressing is a roller coaster.

[Cheryl T]

Katey888 summed it up for me.
Shame - guilt - ignorance - fear - and a misplaced belief that one can consciously suppress this permanently

Of course that was Long Ago, in a Galaxy Far, Far Away...in a time when there was no real acceptance and the immediate assumption is that one was Gay, Queer, Pervert. You were shunned by friends and family and marked for life. I went through a number of purges and it took me many years to accept myself and realize this is part of what makes me ME.

[Judy-Somthing]

When I was young I purged quite a few times trying to get rid of the desire to dress up.

I would cut everything up so I couldn't change my mind but the desire always came back strong.

[Janet161]

Unfortunately, I am an expert in purging. I used to do it all the time. It came from my lack of understanding of what I was doing and why I was doing it and of who I really am. I lived for a very long time with guilt and shame and a fear of being discovered. The fear of being discovered, IMHO, is not a mere fear of being found to own some girly clothes that you put on from time to time. It much more serious than that. It's a deep seeded fear that you will not understand until you really figure out who you are and accept yourself. Its the fear that the world will discover who you really are and will despise you, reject you , hate you, ridicule you, etc. Its a really horrible thing. Its a fundamental thing. It is fundamental to your truth. I think that purging is something that one will have to deal with until you make that discovery of who you really are and then accept yourself. No easy task.

Now, once you do that, there is a whole host of other problems, ha ha, but at least you won't get rid of your nice things anymore.

[Kiersten]

I purged because of guilt and the fear of being caught. I also thought If I removed the temptation that the feelings would go away.

[irene9999]

I dd a small purge before moving to a new apartment and threw out a lot of good stuff so I regretted doing that. Now I keep my clothes/accessories even when the desire to dress goes away because the desire certainly comes back eventually

[Lilly Diadem]

I have purged for the reasons many of the other girls have mentioned - guilt, disgust, repression, lack of self acceptance, denial and removal of temptation.

I have also been forced to do it.

I am fortunate in that I won't need to do it again and the only clothes I get rid of now will be those that are too threadbare to repair or wear.

[Judy-Somthing]

Over the last week I've been purging some of my junk but, not my girly stuff Last week I tried to tell my SO I liked/LOVED dresses but the conversation went bad FAST.

My wife is so cool but so straight if that's the right word. After telling her I'd like to wear a dress she freaked out, I love my wife But, I also love my clothes so I hid them very well.

I think I will purge some of the items that I hardly ever wear.

Yea I know I left the (e) out of something , it was a typo

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Donna:hugs:, I've never purged but I have thinned out some closet space and donated what I no longer wanted. ~~...:daydreaming:...

[AndrewJenny]

The fear of being discovered, IMHO, is not a mere fear of being found to own some girly clothes that you put on from time to time. It much more serious than that. It's a deep seeded fear that you will not understand until you really figure out who you are and accept yourself. Its the fear that the world will discover who you really are and will despise you, reject you , hate you, ridicule you, etc. Its a really horrible thing. Its a fundamental thing. It is fundamental to your truth.

Very well said. I've come out to various people as bisexual; I've told people that I am submissive, with a married mistress who dominates me, and that I sleep with her husband as well. But I've told very few people about my crossdressing, and when I do, I always frame it in terms of TS/TG rather than "just wanting to wear pretty things" (it definitely has TG elements, but still). Somehow, even for a guy who has been decidedly non-masculine my entire life, I just can't bring myself to tell other people how much I LOVE to wear skirts and stockings.

[AmyB]

As previously stated, for me, it was shame or moving to new sub leased rooms etc, so I didnt know how the others would take it.

I'm lucky now, I have two garages at my house & my wife doesn't go into the one where my race car is, so they are locked in a toolbox in there.

[Ally 2112]

I have purged for all the reasons that have been said and always regretted it no matter what the reason .I will do it no more !

[nikkiwindsor]

Purged a few times for different reasons: my wife told me to, shame, hoping it would curb my desire to dress.

[wendy]

When I was single, purging was not in my vocabulary.

When I met my g/f (now my wife), I kept my CDing hidden but I did not purge, but as life progressed we decided to buy a house together and I then purged. After living together for abit, I bought women's clothes again and after a while I purged fearing she would find out.

Fast forward to now, and I no longer purge and I admitted to my wife I CD.