A dent in the DADT armor?

[Secret Drawer]

I seem to be locked in a rather hard to define DADT. The don't ask and the don't tell part are firmly in place, while the "do what you want" and the "I don't care what the neighbors think" parts are unusual. One hurdle recently crossed was regarding the kids. My wife took a gender sensitivity course for work, which dealt with TG and TS issues. She "determined" that the kids won't care if I am TG or not, so it relaxed her quite a bit. She likes a manly man in her life, so we keep my femme side off the books for her sake. All my clothing and stuff is out to see and in the wash, so it is no secret, which is nice. Anyway, the dent...
I am a gymnastics trainer helper (basically a spotter) and usually go with my sweatpants and tee shirt (a sort of scrubbed out look). My wife, after the kids won't care revalation, decided that I should just wear my yoga pants to the gymnastics sessions, as "no one will care," she said. She is well aware that my running tights, etc. are women's and she said that while no one will really care, it is my presentation, not hers, and that it is up to me if I have the nerve to do it or not.
Just like underdressing to the doctor or the swimhalls, I decided that if it was Ok with her then why not?
Nobody cared, just like she said. In fact, it seemed more appropriate to the venue and it seemed that my "advice" to the students was taken a bit more serious these last couple times...
This, for me, is the reason I wish we did not have a DADT, as I wish to not "offend" her by my actions, but typically don't know where her barriers are. Also, coming out to friends or family members (as I am transgendered, neither comfortable as an occasional CD or feel I am a fullblown TS) would be easier if I had her Ok on it.

[Stephanie47]

It's not just her barriers or limitations that matter. She may have taken a course and know feels it is OK for you to express yourself, however, you have to do what is comfortable to you. It's great that you feel you don't have to "tip toe through the tulips," but, will you "abuse" that new freedom to express yourself more often. Is wearing yoga pants to a gym equal to wearing a dress, hosiery and heels to a wedding reception the same?

[bok4fun]

Just a thought... If your kids are very young, then I would think you may soon be out to the whole world anyway. A kids acceptance of things is a wonderful thing. They usually do not know how to not like things until they are taught, either by being told, or by observation of others. But with that said, they are also prone to say anything to anybody, with no understanding of the potential consequences. I think I'm saying your wife may be inadvertently outing you without intending to.

If if this is the case, the gown and heels at a wedding may soon not be an issue.

Hopefully your wife is different, as the no two are the same rule usually applies with them, but when mine said it is up to you, it usually meant that she wasn't happy with it, but wasn't going to stop me. And any negative consequences were firmly on my shoulders. I also learned that most likely I would eventually pay for it, regardless of any consequences, good or bad.

Whichever way you decide to handle the overall situation, I wish you the best.

[Secret Drawer]

Good question Stephanie, I don't think abuse will become an issue, as I have been this way (whatever that means) for my whole life. None the less, the idea of my children knowing about my true nature as bok4fun brought up, and your question about how this relates to wearing a dress to a wedding reception has the same answer, which is that taking baby steps makes everyone involved more comfortable, and thus a future possibility of wearing that delightful dress to a wedding reception among friends is more likely, especially considering the status quo up to now, which has been hanging out in the darkness of a gloomy closet.
In so far as being outed, whether accidentally or on purpose, I have finally crossed that line. I simply do not care "personally." It is now just paying attention to my wifes comfort level... and there, "The Ox are slow, but the earth is patient."

[pamela7]

invisible barriers are only discovered by crossing them ... every so often one has to test them :-)))

[Tina_gm]

It sounds to me that her barrier is just her own preference for her husband to not present as female around her. My theme of thought lately is simplicity. We spend so much time thinking what does this mean, what does that mean. I think it's good your wife doesn't have a big hang up with it. But, it's not her preference, which is very very typical of a heterosexual woman.