Why didn't you

[Jenny22]

Much has been said about the need to fess up and tell your SO about your CDing before things get serious. But, can you share your reasons for NOT telling your SO, fiance, even your wife when you could have done so? Mine were, I thought I could stop; marriage will make my CDing desires go away, so will military duty, etc.. What were your honest reasons for NOT telling?? Thanks! Jenny22

[Robin414]

Great post Jenny! Me, back then (and until little over a year ago) I was a skirt chasin', bar fightin', pipe linein'...guy! I dressed up on occasion but thought it was just a 'fetish' thing, purged and didn't look back ☺

Things kinda blew up a year ago that made me think 'yah, maybe I should be a woman? 😕 '

I'm nearly 50, what better way to experience 'life' than to spend half as a full on MAN and the rest, well, as a WOMAN?

[jessica2009]

Fear, rejection etc lol, i waited 4 yrs before saying anything, probablly shouldnt have but thats what happened. Now we are better and dont have to hide my better side because of it :)

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Jenny,
Pretty much "ditto" to Robin's reasons.
My dressing was very randomly spaced, and there was a
real lack of information available about what I was doing,
(Yes, there was a time before the internet existed)
So I just thought it was just some weird thing I liked to do.
I had no idea where it was leading, and wasn't really thinking
it was something that would last.
There were long periods of time, and I mean loooonng, that it seemed
to have just gone away. 12 years at one point, and then nearly 20 at another time.
In those years things were good, we built a life and shared it together.
Now we've become dependent on one another to keep all those things we share.
So what to do? My desire to dress shows up again, and it's like it kept progressing
even though I hadn't been actively dressing! It's all out dressing head to toes.
Now... How exactly do I reveal this to my SO? How do I let her in on my big secret and
not have it blow up our world? If I tell and she freaks out, I could not only lose her, but
everything I've worked so hard to gain throughout my life.
Shortly after joining here I was really conflicted, tell, don't tell, and of course as with many other
topics discussed here, you get responses that support both sides.
Since then the cat has been let out of the bag, and that's another story.
But if your conflicted as to wether or not to come out to your SO, you'll have to
decide for yourself what is right for you.
Just be prepared to have "The Talk" should the moment arise!
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Tracii G]

This right here ^^^^^^^^^^^

[daphne_L]

I thought I SHOULD stop. I really tried! Marriage seemed to make thinks better for a while. But the main reason: I was in mortal fear that that she would reject me. Then we had kids, I was even more fearful that I would hurt them if my SO couldn't handle it. Finally faith in the woman I knew she was won out over fear that I was wrong, and I told her last night. Wow! Even my faith underestimated her.

[Ally 2112]

I think a lot of it is fear and rejection or being exposed as already been said .You just never know how it will turn out .There could be a lot to gain or a lot to loose

[sometimes_miss]

It didn't seem relevant at the time. When I started dating my wife, I hadn't crossdressed for many years, I really thought I had 'beaten it'. No one tells their mate everything they have done in their life, it's simply not possible to go over every single thing. So, we select things we believe they should know, and tell that. Which I did. When the crossdressing genie got out of the bottle several years into the marriage, I feared the ramifications of telling my wife, so I avoided the issue, hoping to 'beat it' again. If things in our lives settled down, perhaps I could have. But exhaustion makes us overlook things, and I accidentally left a slip out where she found it. That was the beginning of the end.

[bridget thronton]

Fear of losing my wife and kids (neither happened and following the reveal came much peace of mind)

[Raychel]

I didn't tell, because I was not sure, (Actually pretty sure) that my girlfriend could not keep
the secret, And I was a business owner, I could not risk the repercussions.

Eventually I did tell her and the only one that she told, as far as I know was her mother.

[PaulaQ]

I didn't tell my wife for 17 years because I was pretty sure she'd reject me. When I did finally tell her, I was kicked out the door four months later. Sometimes I hate being right.

[Bruce64]

My wife knows I crossdresd all the time, I just don't let her see me in Female Clothing. In fact I don't let Anybody see me... that way.

[CarlaWestin]

Back when I started, pre internet, I thought I was one of very few that did this and I was pretty sure it was against the law. You just get really good at having a secret life and it creates a heightened sense of situational awareness that actually serves you well through life. First wife, disclosure ---> divorce. Tweener (the one between marriages) thought it was cool when I had tits but, not really into it. Now wife ---> DADT&IDWTSI. Yeah, whatever. Thought that disclosure would be the golden ticket. That certainly didn't happen.

[Lori Kurtz]

After a childhood and adolescence in which I had no reason to believe that anybody other than weirdos did what I did, I struggled with the logical outcome of that: that I myself was a weirdo. So that profound sense of shame and need for secrecy became part of my adult crossdressing. The idea of telling a girlfriend about it was as foreign to my mind as it could possibly be. There's no way for me to know if my first marriage would have remained viable if I had found some way to tell my wife. But since she found out on her own (by discovering my stash, which I realized I could not come up with a reasonable explanation for), the issue was forced, and she was unable to handle what she knew, and there was no way to un-know it. Exit wife #1. So when I started dating again, there was nothing to make me feel that anything good could happen by having a woman find out about this particular kind of sexual satisfaction that I enjoyed. When I remarried, and when that marriage provided me with a more satisfying sex life than my first marriage had done, I was able to keep myself away from letting Lori be a part of my life (or should I say from bringing Lori to life). I still had the fantasies secretly, and sometimes even in intimate moments with my wife, but only as risk-free fantasies rather than real-life activities. I am very grateful for how my life worked out. But to return to the OP's question ("What were your honest reasons for NOT telling?"), it's not as if there was a conscious decision to NOT tell. It was simply unthinkable. It was still too shameful a thing for me. And there was no crossdressers.com to help me feel less alone as who I am, and more comfortable with my own unusual sexuality.

[JanePeterson]

For me it was SUCH a deep secret, I could never tell anyone... You could have water boarded me or tortured me to death and I NEVER would have told anyone - I wouldn't even say the words to myself, almost like it was a secret from the rest of me too (hard to explain). After 8 years of being married, it just hit me one day how irrational that position was, and out spilled the beans. Now I'm picking up the debris from the hidden and the open side of me colliding.

[Teresa]

Jenny,
I went from having GFs that accepted my CDing, so naively thought it wouldn't be a problem when I married . I guess once I married there was so much going on, I still did it but it fading into the background . Like many it appears to resurface into our forties but this time there's no escaping it, most want to come out and be accepted . Some are lucky and some aren't every partner is different.
Don't forget there are two sides to this, our wives /partners aren't 100% honest with us , so we may be entitled to ask the same question !

[CarolBrown]

As has already been said...

I also figured it was a phase and when I got married it would go away and at that point I hadn't dressed for about 5 years anyway. I got caught up again about 12 months ago and resisted the urge until around November when my wife went away for a few days, which gave me the opportunity to raid her closet. My inner girl is screaming to be let out the closet, but, fear and shame care holding me back...

[Krisi]

My reason was, I was afraid it would end the marriage or at least make it very uncomfortable. It has not and I guess I'm one of the lucky ones.

[Angie G]

I didn't tell my fife for years fearing she would not undrestand. Then one very hot day I told her I hate wearing pants in this heat and girls got to wear skirts. When we got home she gave me one of old skirt to wear around the house. Not long after that I was wearing everything I had. She knew my dad did a little dressing and thought I had that made me who I was.I for one didn't need to have that fear.:hugs:
Angie

[Catriona]

I think for most, three things. Guilt. Fear. Shame. Sad really.

[Sarah Louise]

When I met my wife in my mid-twenties, I had stopped dressing. I didn't really have any desire to do it until over 20 years later.

Sometimes I really want to tell her but I only need to dress a couple of times a month and am still prone to the odd sabattical. Therefore, I figure it's probably not worth the risk of maybe ruining our marriage.

I don't like being dishonest with her, but on balance I think it's best to stay quiet. In saying that, I think I'm prepared for the conservation if she catches me. Some part of me would welcome that but of course it would be best to come clean before that happens (if it happens). It really is a big dilemma for me.

[RachaelXD]

For me it was largely denial. I did what I did because I am weirdo, a perv, or maybe it was because I was (so secretly that it was even a a secret to me) gay (that felt too wrong as I did not feel at all attracted to guys).

I sublimated and denied. But after many years it was something that re-grew in my life (in post kid, no sex-land). This time it felt less wrong (more confidence against societal pressure?) and more right for me.
I wondered if I would enjoy not just dressing, but looking womanly. I tried. I cried. But it had a positive effect. I got in shape and tried again.

But telling was soooooo difficult. I confided in a GG friend and she encouraged me. I think the idea was right, but I still think I did it badly.

Am I glad I told? Ish - I wish I had done it better. I wish I had spent more time thinking (and reading on this site) about the consequences.

[Helen_Highwater]

When first married I had dressed if you can call very occasionally putting on one of my SO's dresses dressing and it seemed more out of curiosity than anything else. I had tried on my mom's stockings and girdle at a younger age but again out of curiosity. The desire to fully dress didn't really start until the marriage was well established and kids had arrived are started to grow up.

I didn't come clean because like so many others I was afraid of the outcome. The more time passed the more difficult it seemed and even though the kids are adults coming out is still something that fills me with foreboding. I know there's the chance of accidental discovery but that's something many of us have learned to live with.

[RachaelXD]

In response to Helen, I must say that fear of discovery was one of the motivators for my telling. I was worried that discovered underwear would result in unwarranted accusations of infidelity.

I am not sure which way things would have gone. SO is not happy, but not I am not on the doorstep.

[Tina_gm]

Jane Peterson, you described me quite a bit as well. I fought my cd desires for nearly 3 decades. Could have probably counted the total number of times I dressed leaving a shoe on...

One reason I never told my wife was simply because it was the secret I was taking alone to my grave. As well as constantly battling not to be a cd.

Of course along with my own self loathing about it all, and very deep denial was the fear of rejection, fear my secret would get out.

[JanePeterson]

One reason I never told my wife was simply because it was the secret I was taking alone to my grave. As well as constantly battling not to be a cd.



I think for me it went so deep cause I figured out it was "wrong" so early... And I felt pressure as a young person to be who I thought others wanted me to be...

When I finally DID tell my SO, it felt like the foundation of my life had collapsed (she has been super supportive and accepting too)

Looking back I wish I had confronted this when I was younger... But I'm glad it happened

[Tina_gm]

I felt like I was a failure. I was born male. Yet I had feminine qualities I could not shake no matter how hard I tried. There is a part of me that is male internally, it's not a complete fake job, but covering up my feminine aspects as best I could was. It would occasionally slip out..... and of course there was the desire to dress.

[Kiersten]

This was my deepest dark secret, I was scared to death someone would find out. Shortly after meeting my wife, I purged everything I had.

I rationalized in my head that she didn't need to know because I wasn't going to do it any more. We moved into together about a year later, it wasn't long after that when I started raiding here closet.

Then my reasons were, fear that she would leave me or tell everyone my secret. I finally told here about 6 months after that.(one of the hardest things I ever had to do).
I thought I was going to be single after that, but her reaction was the opposite of what i thought it would be. It was a huge weight off my shoulders.

[Confucius]

There were plenty of reasons.

Yes, I thought that once I was married, my desire to cross-dress would fade away. I had tried to quit several times, and with some success, so I thought marriage would finish it off.

I also considered it a bad habit and wanted it to go away. I knew it was socially unacceptable, so why would I expect her to accept it?

I never told anyone about it. It was my deep dark secret. I couldn't share it.

I believed my wife was more important than my cross-dressing, so her needs come first. I want to be the man who will make her life happy. I wanted her to respect me and be proud of me.

I didn't understand why I needed to cross-dress, how could I explain my cross-dressing to her???? I can't make her accept something I don't understand myself.

[nikkiwindsor]

I shared my crossdressing with my wife before we got married. She wasn't supportive and we agreed I wouldn't do it any more. That worked for a few years and then I returned to crossdressing secretly. She caught me, wasn't happy and I returned to repressing it again. Then a few years later my wife came out of the blue and said I could crossdress if I'd like. She could tell that I just wasn't happy. It made a real positive difference in our lives and our relationship is closer than ever. It's wonderful to be true to who I am and my wife accepting me!

[TaraGrace]

Hmz.. here's a thought..

Jack Nickelson comes to mind.. "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!"
I have had several 100% honest relationships, and I can say from experience that they take far more, extremely far more maintenance.. and potentially can end your relationship sooner rather then later, because you or your partner will feel free to voice feelings changing too during the stretch of a relationship.

Just take the classic "honey, how does this clothing item look.. be honest"
There's a ton of approaches here, and we all know for most people it's just as much how you say things as it is what you say.

You can sum up a list of pro's and cons, but in the end everyone will respond differently.
That said, there's ways of weighing your odds.

Fessing up on a big topic if you don't even know your partners views on contraversial topics for instance, would increase odds.. over a period of time find a way to feel out a topic (and there's plenty in the media these days) decreases odds. etc.

I could make a large list of reasons not to make a step, which would probably be as long as the list that I could make to go for it.. in the end do realise it will always be a gamble no matter what you choose, so what feels right for you?

[Stephanie47]

I'm with sometimes_miss. I had not tried on my mother's clothing for quite some time. It seemed something I had done in my youth. I was in the army when I met my future wife. I had been in the infantry in Nam. When I was in the army I never thought of cross dressing. It never entered my mind. In the 1960's, when I had worn my mother's clothing I thought I just had to be a homosexual because that's what society said cross dressers are. Now, how the heck do you tell your future wife that I had worn female clothing as a teenager, thought you may be gay but wasn't, and, I have no idea what all this means. Take a chance? A chance on what?

[Jenny22]

Ladies, I never dreamed that there would be so many replies to my thread. I'm in awe, but hoping there will be more. Once the thread replies have ended, would anyone with spreadsheet capabilities be able to summarize the reasons? I'm sure the results would be interesting to all, especially those who replied. Jenny22

[OCCarly]

Denial. For a lot of years I convinced myself I was a guy. I got by wearing men's bikini underwear, and men's bikinis for swimming, and having a little bikini tanline, and that was as far as it went for a long, long time. I was convinced I was going to grow old being one of those tanned brown, shaved smooth, nearly nude old codgers running around the beach in tiny little men's bikinis and thongs. Then I got skin cancer, and losing the bikini/suntanning thing was like someone I loved dearly had died. I went into mourning without knowing why.

I started to ask myself, "what was I getting out of that that mattered so much to me?" Well, most of my men's bikinis were full seat, Brazilian cut, string side, and resembled women's bikini bottoms. It was that feeling of femininity, that I craved. So I asked myself, what can I substitute for it that won't kill me? Well I had this vision of me in short shorts, a little halter top, a big sun hat, a macrame shawl, watering the plants in the garden. I thought "that's totally crazy," then "that totally makes sense."

At some point I realized that I needed to tell my wife about this, that this ran so deep, down to my core, that it was not something I could not share with her. So I came out to her. Been dressing around the house ever since.

[Ceera]

I've known I was bisexual since I was in high school, but I repressed it because my father was homophobic and would never have been be to accept the idea of his only son being anything but straight.

My wife knew from the start, from when we first started dating, that I was bi. I was honest about that with her from our first intimate exchanges. But she also knew that I had strong reasons to repress that side of my nature, and that I was quite willing to remain monogamous and faithful to her. She accepted what I was.

When I was still married, I limited how far I allowed myself to go in exploring my feminine side, or my bisexuality. I did roleplaying games as both male and female characters, and enjoyed both roles. Among gamers that isn't too unusual - especially finding gamers that play both sides, as opposed to only the opposite of their gender. My wife knew that I played female characters as well as males when playing roleplaying games. That didn't bother her. At least, not at first.

What did begin to bother her was that when my game playing moved to real-time or close to real time on-line venues, some of my female characters started to be 'real enough' that the others I was playing with believed I was a girl in real life. Some of them started to flirt with my characters (of both genders) or get romantic with them. And I reciprocated, though only in those fictional settings. But I also set strict and clear rules with my gaming characters that made it clear to everyone that no matter what my fictional game characters said or did in the games or in messages with other players, the real person behind them typing their words was married and monogamous, and would only offer platonic friendship in real life, should we ever meet. My wife didn't like it at first, but she eventually accepted that I was abiding by those rules, and that the more amorous on-line activities that my characters sometimes indulged in were a much safer outlet than me physically cheating on her, with women or with men.

There were a few times when my wife asked me, "Would you rather be a girl like her?", referring to the female character she was watching me play as. At the time, my honest answer was "Not really. I just like the way the character interacts with other characters. And if I'm going to be looking at my character's backside a lot while playing them, it's more fun if they are nice to look at."

But what I didn't tell her was that the roleplaying was also fulfilling a need I had - a need to be perceived and appreciated as a woman. I didn't realize it myself, at first. But I did begin to realize that even in real life, I was looking longingly at women's shoes and clothes, and that if I thought I could get away with it, I'd love to buy some for myself and wear them. The fun I was having with dressing up my roleplaying girls was something I wanted to do myself.

I was also writing erotic fiction that more and more often involved some of the characters cross dressing or being bisexual, and I wanted to know what it actually felt like to wear the feminine things I described them as wearing.

When my parents passed away, I allowed myself to try under-dressing - just wearing panties under my male clothes instead of men's underwear. I liked it, but told myself that was as far as I would go. I was still fully bearded and the urge to wear women's clothes wasn't strong enough to risk my marriage over. I did quickly admit to my wife about the panties. Hard to hide when we both did the laundry. But I explained that I had preferred bikini style underwear in high school, when that had been fashionable for men, and that now the only place to get that was in the women's section. Most of the panties I bought were black or a solid color. I hid the few lacy one I had bought. My wife's leery reaction to me wearing panties told me that I should not take it farther.

Yet I did. Not by much. But I slowly obtained a gym bag and filled it with a cheap wig and a full girly outfit, consisting of shoes, hose, a blouse, a skirt, and a push-up bra plus silicone cutlet inserts, to go with the panties. I had no makeup, and still had my beard. I only wore my girly clothes when no one else was at home. I had no intention of going out as a girl. Or so I told myself. But when I bought the shoes, I admitted to myself that I didn't need them unless I was going to go out.

It probably would have stopped there, if my wife had lived as long as we expected we both would live. My on-line play and writing and occasional private dressing sated my needs. It wasn't worth risking our marriage to take it further, and I don't have gender dysphoria. I was content to leave it at that. There was no reason to confess anything more to my wife. It would only hurt her. If she had found out and objected, I was okay with purging my girly stash and trying to remain strictly male, for her sake.

When my wife passed away suddenly, I allowed my feminine side to come out. I knew my daughter had friends who were gay, and even had one friend who was an MtF transgender girl, and out to all her friends about it and accepted by them. My daughter accepted it completely when I came out to her, and she has been supportive of my exploring my female side.

That said, if I knew while I was married what I know now of my feminine side and gender fluid nature, I either would not have married, or I would have made certain from the beginning that my mate could accept both sides of my nature. If I had felt then as I do now, I wouldn't have tried to maintain such a straight marriage. I'm not sure how I would have dealt with family or friends finding out about my feminine side, back in the late 70's. I probably would have moved away to someplace were my new friends and co-workers only knew both sides of me, and never had a gender-polarized impression of me.

That is essentially what I am doing now. I moved to a new town, and I'm openly wearing pierced earrings and girly nails, and sometimes women's pants or jackets even when in male mode. My new neighbors see me that way all the time, and I don't hide when I go fully feminine and go out as Ceera. And if someone gets interested in me, as a male or as a female, they will know me completely, from day one. If they can't accept all of me, I won't try to build a relationship on what I now know would be a lie.

[Shayna]

I suppose I didn't for a combination of reasons. When we first got together was a period when I wasn't as interested in dressing, so I didn't think it would be an issue. As the desire came back, I guess I was just afraid what she would think. She knows now.

[Cheryl T]

Actually I did tell my fiancée when I was just out of college. I felt she should know before we married as I trusted her and wanted to have no secrets.
She broke the engagement immediately.
Therefore when I met my wife I did not follow that path again. I was gun shy and hid thinking I could keep it secret. That didn't work too well either, but at least she tried to understand and because of who she is and how strong our love is she is now fully accepting and we share everything.

[Katey888]

Interesting answers to this... some are close to my feelings, and in my marriage (which was CD-free for the early part - maybe 6-8 years) it was fear of rejection at being perceived as some sort of deviant or pervert - in earlier relationships same at the beginning, but to some extent relationships have tended to submerge my CDing... perhaps that says something about the relationship when the femme side emerges again... hmmm.... :thinking:

Also the fact that this does seem to be quite sporadic for me, with long periods of remission - so now the thought is: what if this is the last time I'm interested...? Why would I potentially risk everything else if it turns out I will naturally outlast the feelings...?

I think there's another aspect which seems totally absent so far: the nature of the other half you would be telling... I know folk like to paint a wonderfully rose-tinted (perhaps pink-tinged... ;)) picture of their relationships unless they're really disastrous - I'm going with Greg House again on this one: "Everybody lies..." :straightface: But I'll try to be truthful here...

We individuals are the only ones who are best able to guesstimate our SOs response to a revelation around this passion - my estimate is that she would be strongly intolerant of anything like this. Why do I believe that? Because I know her. Because like a lot of muggles she misunderstands sexuality and gender. She is intolerant of alternative lifestyles. In discussing sexuality she's suffered some strong repression in her life and there are things that she's shared that lead me to believe that I'd be toast... (although circumstances are always a little more complicated and there are arguments to say that she'd have to compromise, but I'm not prepared for that risk nor do I think that would be a fair position to take). I don't believe she has the right outlook to be prepared to understand this about me - she's just too conservative, conventional and lacks imagination as far as these unconventional aspects of life go... with a different partner, things may have been different... I'm fortunate in being able to manage my feelings and activities - I do believe that for those that experience such internal pressure to reveal, it really demonstrates deeper gender issues...

And I haven't done a pie chart in a while here - I might take a look if we get some more replies, but no promises... :)

Katey x

[CONSUELO]

There are so many ways of answering this question because we cross dressers are such a varied lot. Some of us want to cross dress frequently to the point that we would like to live looking female, while at the other extreme are those who just like to underdress in panties.

Yes, it is always a good idea to be honest both with yourself and with others. The problem is defining honesty. I see so many posts here from those who tell of the waxing and waning of their desire to cross dress, or how it retreated and virtually disappeared for long periods of time only to reappear unexpectedly.
I told my SO before we were married but I did not understand the true extent of my cross dressing feelings. At that time I would dress up in lingerie but not much else. Later the desire to be fully dressed became overwhelmingly strong.

I am so impressed by the way in which cross dresser's feelings change and often deepen over time for no perceptible reason. In a parallel example I am always interested in stories of men who while married and living "normal" heterosexual lives for decades, suddenly realize that they are gay.
So, at any point in our lives we can be honest and tell someone how we feel and what we want as cross dressers but to be completly honest we would have to add the caveat, " at least that is how I feel and that is what I do for now, but frankly I cannot be sure that it will always be this way". We also have to be honest with ourselves. How many of us have believed that this is something that will just go away if we married or that it is something we can control or suppress? I suspect that we have all done that at some time but with age and wisdom we realise that what we think is true and possible at one point in our lives may not be the case in a decade or two.

[shawnsheila]

Since I was a teenager, I felt like something was very wrong with me, like I was some deviant. After I got married and had kids it started resurfacing again and I thought, foolishly, that I could try and control it and keep the problem hidden from my wife as I was afraid she would leave and take the kids... She found out by stumbling into my stash of cloths and a big blow up ensued... Her having trust issues with me for hiding it, etc. I am glad she knows about it, I wish I told her about it before she stumbled upon my clothes but she is still working on it and I have heavy boundaries i am working within in now... The boundaries expand and contract often but right now I am in the contraction phase... all that said...

I strongly recommend you tell your spouse before they find out on their own

[Mafalda]

Such an interesting thread. Pushing myself to be honest, fear is probably the first reason, mixed with a lot of denial. I got rid of denial just some years ago, when I understood that crossdressing is simply part of myself. And now, how can I keep such a secret to my wife?? This is the second, powerful reason: I feel I can't push so heavy a weight on her. Our life is full of hard times and we can count on each other in any moment. But I feel I have to keep this crossdressing thing on myself; at the very end probably this need to tell her (which is some times so strong and overwhelming) is just something I need for myself, but she doesn't need it anyway. It would be only a request to understand me, that wouldn't have, honestly, any advantage for her. So I keep on feeling guilty for the only reason I can't share a secret to the one I love.
Thank you all, this forum is always making me feel better.

[Jenny22]

Interesting answers to this... some are close to my feelings, and in my marriage (which was CD-free for the early part - maybe 6-8 years) it was fear of rejection at being perceived as some sort of deviant or pervert - in earlier relationships same at the beginning, but to some extent relationships have tended to submerge my CDing... perhaps that says something about the relationship when the femme side emerges again... hmmm.... :thinking:

Also the fact that this does seem to be quite sporadic for me, with long periods of remission - so now the thought is: what if this is the last time I'm interested...? Why would I potentially risk everything else if it turns out I will naturally outlast the feelings...?

I think there's another aspect which seems totally absent so far: the nature of the other half you would be telling... I know folk like to paint a wonderfully rose-tinted (perhaps pink-tinged... ;)) picture of their relationships unless they're really disastrous - I'm going with Greg House again on this one: "Everybody lies..." :straightface: But I'll try to be truthful here...

We individuals are the only ones who are best able to guesstimate our SOs response to a revelation around this passion - my estimate is that she would be strongly intolerant of anything like this. Why do I believe that? Because I know her. Because like a lot of muggles she misunderstands sexuality and gender. She is intolerant of alternative lifestyles. In discussing sexuality she's suffered some strong repression in her life and there are things that she's shared that lead me to believe that I'd be toast... (although circumstances are always a little more complicated and there are arguments to say that she'd have to compromise, but I'm not prepared for that risk nor do I think that would be a fair position to take). I don't believe she has the right outlook to be prepared to understand this about me - she's just too conservative, conventional and lacks imagination as far as these unconventional aspects of life go... with a different partner, things may have been different... I'm fortunate in being able to manage my feelings and activities - I do believe that for those that experience such internal pressure to reveal, it really demonstrates deeper gender issues...

And I haven't done a pie chart in a while here - I might take a look if we get some more replies, but no promises... :)

Katey x

Hi, Katey..Your comment re: your wife's intolerance is one I didn't for see, "fer sure". Its a major factor, to be sure. Please do the pie chart. It would be a great summary! Thanks!

[Secret Drawer]

To help Katey's pie chart, I will go with the "thought it would go away" answer. Curiously, it seems the one big difference between me and most of the other posts so far is that this "thing" never went away for longer than a month or two at a time throughout my entire life... I have reflected on it many times. I always thought I was some sort of weirdo, or at least flawed in some unique way and that surely marriage would simply distract me back to "normalcy." It never happened, then came the fear of telling, leading to the inevitable getting caught scenario. (We now reside in some sort of DA (except for now and then) DT (except for now and then) and most definitely a NO show!! relationship.)
Knowing now what I had not known for the majority of my life, I would have gotten married all the same (or hoped to), but would have accepted this side of myself long ago and not needed to "waste" all those years in some sort of hiding limbo...

[VAWyman]

Hid my crossdressing for almost 50 years (yes, fifty years) before letting my wife know. When I finally outed myself it didn't go well at all. We are still together, but she has threatened divorce repeatedly unless I stop. As for why I didn't tell her sooner, I thought I was a weirdo and I was totally ashamed of my inability to stop or at least control it.

[Jenny22]

Hi, Katey.

I hope you might be giving some serious consideration to doing a pie (or other type of recap) chart of the "Why Didn't You" responses. They could be very useful and important to a girl who was found out, exposed, or wants to reveal late in her dressing years as to why she didn't tell all earlier both for members and lurkers. Just a thought.

If you can't do it, you might pose the opportunity to others better than I could, as you are highly respected on this forum. Hugs! Jenny22

[sometimes_miss]

Once the thread replies have ended, would anyone with spreadsheet capabilities be able to summarize the reasons? Jenny22
Because it will never end. If you made this a sticky, new members would see it and add to it. Eventually you'd have many thousands of responses, but there's no way to know how long that might take, as other threads get posted, and virtually all die an early death if relegated to a few pages down, then they get automatically closed. The few week life of the average thread here wouldn't give you a large enough sample that could be used and regarded as adequate research into the subject.