am i lying to myself??

[Cindy J Angel]

Been reading quite a lot in the last two weeks, about Transitioning / coming out. Badtrany brought up a good point / For me she got me to think do I belong hear, Am I a phony, JUST WHAT AM I DOING she right no one in their right mind would do this. SO WHY AM I. I have talked about me in other post I am out as soon. As I go out my front door. I'm in my clothes witch just happen to be woman's. When I'm out to dr. Get car fix or what aver needs doing aver day. I do it as Cindy (Fear) keeps us from moving on. And I'm scared shit list. Over the summer I told more people I know two of witch are ones I hoped would expect me and so far so good disclaimer here have only seen me at night we have talked more and next time I will just me this will make it a lot easier on me mentally.

And second part, I new word would get out, it just back to me yesterday. With him knowing aver body will soon know. I lost my friend. Not much of one. This could be ? My push. This has been said be four my wife knows I dress and I'm in sports clothing (womans) at all times when around her the contents belittling I just give in. Sunday was ask could u man up. Well to day I had a lot to do lawyer ticket, 300, owe. Hair app, then get car looked at for ticket lol (and by the way got it done for free girls do get shit free) I did look good. So I told the wife and she ask u were dress (yes). Was told later she will find a new man, but not now and we will be friends. I think it's time for me to wright her a litter l can not say what I need to face to face. It go's way to deep into my soul. Hell I hope I can even wright it down because then its real

So am I lying to my self am I ts my brain did not click On in tell age 8 /10 love Cindy

[Laura912]

Not lying to self as yet but slowly approaching the truth?

[PaulaQ]

I don't think you are lying to yourself, Cindy.

You know who knows with certainty what gender they are at a very early age? Cisgender people, and a few of us. For the rest of us, between the confusing feelings we have about our gender, and the invalidation and erasure we face, it's no wonder it can take a very long time to come to terms with being trans. We are told "your feelings of being a woman are not real," "your body defines your reality," all sorts of messages that instill self-doubt in us. I mean, how can the whole world be wrong? Everyone tells us who we are - they must be right? Right?

Well, no. In fact massive numbers of people believe all sorts of things that aren't true. And in particular, with regards to us, their self-interest leads them to push us to not change. Our standing up and defining who we are is, weirdly enough, a terrible threat to the way many of them see the world. And while there are all sorts of reasons we can talk about for that, homophobia, transphobia, insecurity about their own gender identity and gender roles in the face of a changing world, I think the real reason this is such a big damn deal to so many people is simply this:

We define who we are, and are willing to defy EVERYONE in our society to do it. That is a terrible threat to the order of things, because I think there are a great many people who DO NOT want others to be able to define themselves. Because THEY didn't feel empowered to do so. And if everyone could be who they really were, and who they really wanted to be, then those people would have to face some very difficult problems within themselves, and they would have to change. And that is something they are desperately unwilling to do.

And so they push back against us with all their might. Because we represent the thing they fear more than anything else - that they might one day have to confront their own inner demons. That they'll no longer be able to bury this stuff. That they will have to grow, change, and that all of that will affect nearly every aspect of the control they believe they have over their lives. That control is, of course, a total illusion. But they aren't ready to see that, and they will fight to hold on to it.

That leaves people like us in quite a bind. All we're trying to do is be who we really feel we are. We don't want to hurt anyone else. It isn't really even about anyone else. But many of them seem to want to punish us for this.

As for you, I think it's pretty clear that you are being pushed by something inside of you to take steps towards transition, no matter what it costs you. Sounds that way, anyway.